Last Minute Pop Culture Inspired Halloween Costumes

Happy Halloween, y’all! Hope you’re all eating your weight in candy then promptly vomiting because it’s actually the bestworst decision you could ever make.

I’m going to be completely honest with you guys – I’ve never really been into Halloween. There are people who go all out and spend hundreds of $$$ on their costumes, throw elaborate parties etc., but I’ve never been one of those people. If I do have to dress up, I will be that rational person who buys clothes which can be easily worn for more than one night. For example, I was Where’s Waldo last weekend and the only item I will most likely never wear again are the $4.50 faux black glasses from Forever 21. That’s just how I roll.

So in honor of people who are cheap like me, are procrastinators, or just need an idea for that party you’ve just been invited to today for this weekend, here are some suggestions that don’t involve spending a lot of money – you might not need to buy anything at all!

Instagram/Selfie

Just grab a giant piece of cardboard, scissors and a blue marker, and copy Insta’s pic frame exactly. I’m assuming B didn’t make this personally, but let’s just say she did. And basically if Beyonce can find time to do it, so can you.

Grumpy Cat

Face makeup and a steady hand, and you’re one of the internet’s fave memes. Plus if you run into someone you dislike at a party, you don’t even have to pretend to enjoy their company.

Lady Gaga Artpop

You may end up looking like a crazy person, but it seems easy enough. And perhaps you’ll even get some APPLAUSE out of it too. LOLOLOLOLOL

Regina George from Mean Girls

Bra with a white tank? So fetch.

Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

Guess who has two thumbs and went as Liz Lemon to the West Hollywood Halloween party a few years ago? This moi.

Arthur

And I said hey! (HEY!) What a wonderful easy kind of costume that you can put together in seconds and still make people love your nostalgic creativity!

Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes
I was going to be crazy Amanda Bynes this year, but decided I’d have to buy way more of these items than I thought, but can someone please be her so my idea doesn’t go to waste?!

#StarbucksDrakeHands

Photo Oct 30, 12 47 08 AM

I love watching people’s take on #StarbucksDrakeHands, so this costume is perfect. Don’t know what this internet sensation is? Let this guide help you. Also, Aaron Paul. And Derek Hough. And this random cat.

Blue Screen of Death

I had a friend who went as this a few years ago and I can attest that it was such a hit with everyone.

Wilson from Home Improvement

A little arts and crafts are involved but come on, you don’t even need to smile or act like you’re having a good time with this mini fence!

Ghost Post: My Personal Spooky Stories

I’m a pretty skeptical person, and I’m positive these stories have rational, non-ghostly explanations. But if you ARE looking for ghostly explanations, I should probably mention that I was born with a caul or veil, which is disgusting. According to superstition, caulbearers are supposed to have second sight (or immunity from drowning, or greatness). My aunt said it was supposed to mean great beauty, but by the time I hit my early 20s it was pretty clear that ship wasn’t going to sail. If “second sight” means I get these spooky stories to tell at Halloweentime, though, I’ll take that over good looks any day.

 In which a pale, creepy child has her dreams haunted by a little girl ghost

If you were a kid in our hometown in the early 90s, you knew about the little girl who was kidnapped. There were posters everywhere, vigils, benefits, constant news reports. She was an adorable girl with long blonde hair, about 4 years old.

About a year after she’d disappeared, I hadn’t thought about her in a long time because a year is a lot longer in kid-years. Then, I had the dream. I was in a townhouse, and I knew it was my home in the dream even though I lived in a 1920s city house in my real life. Isn’t it weird how that happens in dreams? A little girl knocked at the door, asking for help so that the man didn’t get her. I couldn’t do anything.

The dream cut to the same little girl, underwater. She was clearly dead – green, even – with her blonde hair swirling around her face. Then she started narrating from beyond the grave. Ew. I can still hear it: “He put me in the water. I’m still here. They still haven’t found me.” It’s can even hear her tone – mocking, almost, like she’d been so let down and was so done with everybody. I woke up chilled, and thought of the missing girl for days after (days are longer in kid-years, too.).

A little over a year later, I was watching 20/20 because I was the world’s lamest 9-year-old. It was a special about kids getting sucked down pool drains. The station cut in with a breaking report, and before the reporters said anything or a title card came up, I just knew it was about her.

It was. They found the girl – who was kidnapped and killed in her neighbor’s townhouse – stashed in a giant water tank.

I’m sure it was all a big coincidence. How many dreams do you have that don’t end up coming true? Most of them, really – you just forget about them. But between the dream, the tank, and the damn 20/20 special, I wouldn’t go near the deep end of a pool for years.

 In which ghosts hate me cause they ain’t me

There was only one time anyone has wanted to be me, and it was a ghost. [Rationally: it was a series of flukes - but it’s Halloween, so let’s play!] Freshman year of college, I came back from visiting friends down the hall and told my roommate that I really had to work on an essay. “Weren’t you doing it earlier, when I walked by and you were at your computer?” We figured out what time she had seen me, and I wasn’t at my computer, or in the room at all. Meet Ghost Molly. [Realistically: it was 2004, which means if we’d accidentally left our door unlocked someone probably jumped onto my computer to change my Away Message on AIM.]

The next semester, my friends were all talking about the fire drill the night before. I had no knowledge of a fire drill.  I truly thought they were playing a stupid prank on me, until I asked enough people I wasn’t friends with, too. Yep, there was a drill, which I’d apparently slept through — except, at least 2 people said they saw me, standing apart and looking away. I’m sure I was in my bed all night, so what they saw was obviously my ghost twin again (honestly: I hope that WAS a ghost because sleepwalking scares me more than the undead).

The next year we lived in a “haunted suite.” For instance, one suitemate accused our other friend of coming into her room in the middle of the night and pulling on her toe – but he didn’t. Another friend confronted all of us because her goldfish went missing. I’m pretty sure she still thinks we stole it, because we all started laughing — but only because goldfish don’t disappear so it was hilarious (R.I.P. Pearl. 2005 – 2005). Also, my roommate thought that I was home napping in the middle of the day because she, you know, saw me at home napping and could hear me breathing. I was at class all day. Doppelganger Molly strikes again.

That semester, my friends and I were taking a walk when we ran into our roommate. She had met with a psychic who said that the room was haunted and we were supposed to be respectful, prayerful, and not make fun of the ghost. We started laughing, obviously. As with Poor Dead Pearl, we only laughed because it was so unexpected. Then we probably went back to the room and laughed at the ghost, too. Does it count as ‘mocking’ the ghost to name him Devon, after Devon Sawa, the tween star of Casper? Because we did that as well. The take-away here is probably that I’m unable to take anything seriously.

F’real, though, life was pretty damn cushy in college. I’d have wanted to be me if I were a ghost, too.

 In which death comes rapping at my chamber door

I lived in a borderline-divey neighborhood in law school, in a cute art deco apartment with no peephole. You couldn’t get into the building without a key, so if someone knocked at my door I knew it wasn’t just a friend dropping by. Between the lack of peephole and being able to rule out friendly visitors,  I usually wouldn’t answer my door  when it was really late. Shortly after I moved in, though, I started to get knocks on my door in the middle of the night. First it happened every few months, then just about every week. Without a way to check who it was, I’d usually just hold my breath until the knocking stopped.

I don’t think it was a ghost. I just lived in a bad neighborhood and had some iffy neighbors. I got a dog and started keeping a knife under my bed.

Hey, they can’t all be ghost stories.

Gems From the Delia’s Catalog

If you’re products of the 90s like us, you remember that we actually got catalogs in the mail – catalogs that offered clothes, toys and unnecessary items in bulk (Oriental Trading, I’m looking at you). I actually remember hearing my mom order certain clothes through JCPenneys over the phone while she leafed through the pages to make sure she got everything. That’s something kids these days will probably never encounter.

One of my favorite catalogs to receive in the mail (besides the American Girl one) was Delia’s.

delias cover

DeLiA*s (<- which is the proper way to type it) was a clothing and accessory catalog specifically for tweens and teens who were hip and totally into fashion.

While I was neither hip nor into fashion at the time, I still yearned to acquire all the clothes that lay inside the pages of this precious bible of cool.

Fast forward to 2013 and I frankly, am embarrassed that we as a society of young girls ever thought some of these outfit were appropriate. But hey, every generation has that style remorse, right? Here are some of ours…

Tank tops. Tank tops were a thing that people just wore out. Nothing over it, just a tank top. Am I crazy for thinking this should be reserved for sleeping/pajama purposes or undershirts only? These gals need to put more clothes on.

The bucket hat. Oh good LORD the bucket hat. I’m guilty, I had a few of these that I thought looked spectacular on me. I was wrong.

Overalls and camo? Sounds about right – for kids who were actually farmers or went hunting. I can’t believe we ever wore those overall out in public. Like to the mall. Where people you went to school with went.

Remember when dressing like a boy was in? Yeah, I tried this fad. I shouldn’t have.

Wallets with chains available at Delia’s or Hot Topic (if you’re brave enough to go in)

Nevermind the velour long-sleeved shirt and track jacket – why does the caption at the top say “Name that tune – whistle while you work?” Is this secret code for child labor?

Ah yes, the maxi skirt before it became a fashionable maxi skirt. Otherwise known as some genius decided to take the kahki with one million zippers and pockets and make it into a skirt. And then pair it with a sweater, because that’s a good look.

And then the 90s kind of channeled the 60s/70s for a hot sec. You’ll see the pants version of this later…

If you didn’t own a sweater vest you are lying. While I don’t suggest just wearing a cropped sweater vest on its own, pairing a sweater vest with an approved blouse was my go-to for our school uniform in high school.

BANDANAS. I legit owned dozens of these. Why???? Because headbands just weren’t enough? I thought I looked so cool – I even had bedazzled ones. NOT BETTER, TRACE.

Remember those 70s pants I was talking about – yeah bell bottoms were HUGE when we were growing up. Lit’rally huge. Like it made everything below my knee look 10 times bigger.

Of course you have to have the pop star/Britney look. I was obsessed with stars, so those pants would’ve been on my wish list.

Velour and iridescent clothing – a staple of the 90s. Also a little taste of the Chinese trend that swept the nation. I, of course, had to be the Asian girl with the chopsticks in her hair. Whatevs.

“Let’s mix the tank top with velour and a printed pant and stick a girl in a nondescript venue with blue streamers protruding out of the empty hallway.” Delia’s designers

That blue dress is what I still picture in my head when I think of our middle school and high school dances. So much sheer and floral – in the woods, no less!

Were people really into fairies (faeries?) back then or was that just the freaks I hung out with at my middle school?

And let’s not forget our accessories! Platform shoes were all that and a bag of chips. I enjoyed these because it made my short stature look even taller, especially with my bellbottom jeans.

Makeup for 90s girls was all about color and glitter. But why would anyone ever buy makeup from a Delia’s catalog?

IMPORTANT: FREE E-MAIL AND FREE HOMEPAGES?!!?!? Shutting down my Angelfire account right now and starting up again here.

Delia’s was also known for its rando items, especially the inflatable furniture. Did Delia’s think they were the leader in selling inflatable furniture to clueless teens? Yeah, probably.

(In Future Ted’s How I Met Your Mother voice) Kids, it was the summer of 2000. I just came home from Seabreeze (the local amusement park) and I retrieved the Delia’s catalog from the mail. I sat down with my gel pens, drinking my Sunny D and turned on TRL. I filled out that catalog order form, hoping one day – one day, I’d have enough money to buy it all.

So Your Cat Is Super-Morbidly Obese

There have been signs my cat was really, really fat for a while. Most notably, when friends and relatives see Mabel, they proclaim “wow, you cat is really, really fat!”

Too fat to fit on a lap. In human terms, that’s like being too fat for pants.

Then, there was the fact that she burst a large men’s shoebox lying down in it – then continued to sleep in the box – then gnawed off the side of the box that had the size on it. She ATE THE SIZE LABEL. Whether from shame or hunger, I don’t know.

Also, twice in the past year I’ve had to tell the library that my cat ate my library books. Yep. She chews on hardcover books with plastic jackets. This one reflected the most poorly on me. Of all stock characters, the last one I want to be is “single woman whose cat ruins her relationship with the library.” There are just too many sad things about it.

The last straw came this week. I limit Mabel’s food intake, but that’s not enough for her. I’ve found her sneaking crumbs from dishes left in the sink. If my dog leaves extra food, Mabel will gobble it up – then, predictably, vomit. You might say that cats don’t vomit just to be jerks, but I bet that people who might say that have never had a cat. It was clearly some kind of protest for more food, like a reverse hunger strike. But last Saturday, when I nearly tripped over my cat eating her own dogfood vomit, I knew we had a problem. Join me on my one-week journey to cure feline obesity:

Step 1: Confront the problem

Censored because unlike Mabel, I have the decency to be horrified by this.

While my cat was purring in my lap, I scooped her up and herded us both onto my scale. I looked down and saw a number that I hope I never see again unless I am nine months pregnant. It was bad. Real bad. Mabel’s a lady, so I won’t give the number, but let’s just it’s less than 20 but more than 10 … But it rounds to 20. Okay?

Step 2: Research

According to internet sources, Mabel should weigh 10 pounds, 12 at most. So, she’s about 50% – 100% over her ideal body weight. She’s not a human, but if she were, her BMI would be like 90. That’s the point where they stop using regular categories – overweight, obese – and start using descriptions that sounds like a cross between a superhero, a kiddie pageant division, and a Taco Bell menu item. Super-Mega-Obese. Fantastically Obese Supreme. Obviously, me and Fatty Bell Grande had some work to do.

Step 3: Plan

Did you know that PetMD exists? It’s WebMD for animals, and is probably where cats go to research their symptoms and find out that they have lupus and AIDS. It also gives you a plan of action if your cat is a Seven-Layer Tubby Pro-Am. I picked my areas to focus on – food and exercise. Of course.

Step 4: Food

According to PetMD, you shouldn’t leave cat food out all day. To that I say, if my cat would allow a bowl of food to sit out uneaten for more than five freaking minutes I wouldn’t have this problem. She binge eats it all as soon as I set down the bowl. I actually do measure it and I’m not giving her too much.

Another option is a low-carb diet, but I’m afraid that Mabel’s going to turn super annoying and never stop talking about how many carbs are in whatever she just ate, just like every human I’ve ever met on a low-carb diet. Okay, also I have 3/4 of a bag of my regular cat food left. I’ll buy the Atkins cat food when it’s time to restock, but let’s not go crazy here.

I can’t believe I’ve made a plan for my cat to go on the South Beach diet.

Step 5: Exercise

Cats immediately become suspicious and combative when you try to make them do anything, so getting Mabel to exercise on command wasn’t easy. Basically I’d try to get her to do something, she’d run away, and I’d chase her for a bit. Well, she was running, at least.

Under the “my cat is a douchebag” file, we can add that Mabel CAN exercise … on her terms. For instance, when I had to go to the basement earlier today, she bolted as fast as she could to get down there before the door closed, her enormous slack belly swaying the whole way. I left her down there, figuring that maybe she’d get some accidental exercise chasing a spider or something. At the very least, it meant several hours where she wasn’t eating anything. That, or she was eating an entire family of mice. Who’s to say? But mice are super low carb, so it’s fine.

Step 6: Acceptance

During a second pass at Google, I learned that my cat is certifiably insane. “Well yeah,” you might say. “She’s a CAT.” It’s actually a thing, though! It’s called “psychogenic abnormal feeding behavior,” which in layman’s terms translates to “so crazy she ate herself fat.” So, I haven’t done anything wrong. My cat just has an eating disorder. My life is a Lifetime movie starring Tracy Gold. Symptoms? Obsessed with food, grumpy about food, and “excessive solicitation of interspecific interactions.” What this means is that every time the cat acts like she likes me, it’s because if I don’t feed her she’s going to have to eat my face off, which she is too lazy and fat to do. That also explains why, before meal times, she essentially gives my dog a lap dance.

In leaner times (she actually still uses this for, you know, online dating).

So, there’s good news! By the end of the week, when we stepped on the scale, Mabel and I lost a half a pound! Unfortunately, it was probably all me. All that cat-chasing really gets your heart going.

Update: it has now been a week since this experiment, and today Mabel tried to steal a French fry from my 3-year-old nephew, even though it’s only okay when I do that.

ICYMI: Have Mercy!

This week we delved deep into the closet of one of the most trendiest little munchkins in all of television history – Michelle Tanner.

Michelle Tanner’s High-Fashion Fashions

Remember Michelle Tanner’s outfits? They were the coolest – the oversized buttons, the sassy sweatsuits, the sunflower hats. Well, you can’t buy style that fly at The Children’s Place. Nope – those fashions went straight from the runway, to a seamstress who cuts down clothing for children and tiny adults, to your television. I didn’t believe it, either, but this week Ashley Olsen said:

We’d be in six-hour fittings three times a week, because we had to wear 12 different outfits. The majority of the wardrobe was made up of adult pieces, including Chanel and Marc Jacobs, cut to fit.

Now, I’d never call Ashley Olsen a liar (Mary-Kate, on the other hand…). It’s just that, even in the crazy 80s, I thought that Marc Jacobs was a little more dignified than this:

Thanks to Olivia Newton John, aerobic wear was all the rage, and Givenchy went off the rails for a while there.

From Armani’s Fall/Winter 1990 “Cartoon Pandas And Whales” line.

~~~~

We know what happened to Michelle Tanner/The Olsen twins as they grew up to be mega fashion gurus, but what about their friends? Here’s what they’re up to now.

~~~~

Where Are They Now: Minor Full House Characters

I think part of the reason that Full House has stayed in our generation’s hearts so long is that it wasn’t just a show – it was a whole world. In addition to the fullest house ever (nine people? ten? maybe more?), there was a large cast of supporting characters. Just like in real life, you had your family, your close friends, and then all of those random people that populate your world. While there are plenty of places on the internet where you can read about Candace Cameron-Burre, Dave Coulier, and the Olsens, some of these minor characters are harder to come by. That’s what we’re here for.

Walter (Duck Face) then

The pose that launched 1000 terrible Myspace photos.

Duck Face was Stephanie’s would-be paramour. He was mocked in school because he didn’t understand social cues and, well, kind of looked like a duck. In the late 80s, Facebook and Instagram didn’t exist (heck, Mark Zuckerberg barely existed). That means that the “duck face” was not the standard of beauty that it is today.

Whit “Duck Face” Hertford Today
Anyone who made fun of the weird-looking kids in grade school, take note. DuckFace is now cooler than you, busier than you, and more married than you. Duck Face also now looks exactly like my batshit-crazy childhood Irish Dance teacher. As in, I feel like he’s going to publicly humiliate me for not kicking high enough in my slip jig, then spend ¾ of a class having everyone look for his lost earring. Whit Hertford seems to have bypassed the child actor curse, and is now an actor-screenwriter. His company’s website states that they create “contemporary stories done with a minimalistic crew and little production.” Translation: they are a no-budget operation. Their web design is nice, though. He posted pics on his Twitter from what was probably a very hipster-y wedding. Belated congrats! His wife looks nice. Evidently he was married to another woman from 2002-2011. So if you were wondering if you’re old, the answer is yes: this child has been married, divorced, and remarried. But on the positive, if you’re wondering if you’re going to die alone, the answer is probably no: this child has been married, divorced, and remarried. He has a tumblr, too: http://whithertford.tumblr.com/#/title, and some kind of musical operation. Also, he’s a member of UCB in LA. Someone wanna check that out for me? Thanks a bunch.

Marcia “Mrs. Carruthers” Wallace Then:
Mrs. Carruthers would NOT stop chasing Gladstone around. Unfortunately, Marcia Wallace had to step down her guest appearances due to a high volume of hate mail from Alanis Morissette. The replacement girlfriend in You Oughtta Know? It’s totally Carruthers.

Mrs Carruthers now
Marcia Wallace’s IMDB bio was either written by herself, someone she hired, or a really eerily obsessed fan. But I learned so much! Did you know she had a troubled childhood, is a cancer survivor, and lost her husband to cancer when she was not even 50? Me either. Did you know that she’s the voice of Edna Krabappel? My mind was blown, too. While I thought of her as an older lady during the Full House era (though to be fair, I thought of second graders as older ladies then, too), she actually looks the same age now as she did then. Wallace turned 70 last year. Lookin’ good, Carruthers! Through the years, she’s lent her character acting skills to Teen Angel, Seventh Heaven, Murphy Brown, and many more.

10/2013 edit: Sadly, Marcia Wallace has now passed away at the age of 70. While you’ll read a lot about her turns on Bob Newhart, The Carol Burnett Show, and of course the Simpsons, we’ll always remember her as zany PTA lady Mrs. Carruthers.

Blake McIver Ewing (Derek) then:
In the early 90s, McIver Ewing was the go-to child actor when the script called for a wealthy, WASP-y, precocious, prim little boy. He was either a fantastic young character actor or ridiculously precocious and prim IRL.

Blake McIver Ewing now
After his run as a child actor was through, Blake began working in professional theatre. If you remember his rousing rendition of Yankee Doodle Dandy, or were as obsessed with his Don’t Go Breakin My Heart performance as my friends and I were in college, you would not be surprised. Apparently, sometime in the 2000s Blake also hired a scultor to painstakinly chisel his jawline and cheekbones. Which hurts. A LOT. In a rare instance of lifelong typecast-ability, Ewing looks like a wealthy, WASP-y, precocious, prim grown man.

**** UPDATE: NSFL. MY EYES. MY EYES! ****

Kathryn Zaremba (Lisa) then:
Lisa only showed up every once in a while, mostly to wow us with her vocal chops. She was probably a very tiny child, because apparently she was four years older than the Olsen twins when she played their peer. Did you know she appeared on Broadway during the short run of Annie Warbucks? Did you even know that there WAS an Annie sequel called Annie Warbucks?

Lisa now:
Kathryn Zaremba child acted in a few other 90s-licious projects, such as the Jeff Foxworthy show and Toothless – that movie where Kirstie Alley played the tooth fairy. She was also in Sisters, which my mom definitely watched every week when I was little.
It looks like little Lisa has left acting far behind her. I always get really happy when I’m doing these where are they now posts and find someone who just became a normal grown-up after a child acting career. Absent evidence to the contrary, I’m going to say that’s what happened here. Kathryn is an “artist, illustrator, and exhibition designer from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma,” and now lives in Washington, D.C. working with Civilian Art Projects. This makes me feel like when you get friended by some random person you went to elementary school with, and see that they have a nice job and decent life. Like, aww, I never really knew you, but this just makes me happy!

Nelson then:

Nelson was D.J.’s rich yet nerdy boyfriend. He was very sweet, although he did piss D.J. off by fighting with Viper for her affections. But did I mention that he was rich? I don’t know why they ever broke up.

Nelson Now:

Nelson was played by Jason Marsden, who is evidently still a successful working actor. Per IMDB, if there was a cartoon that you loved in the 90s, he probably lent his voice to its direct-to-video sequel. AND he’s currently on Doc McStuffins, which is one of the only show my niece and nephews like that doesn’t make me want to pour boiling water into my own eyes. Trust me, that’s higher praise than it sounds.

Saturday Spotlight: Imagine That!

On long train and plane trips when I was studying abroad, my friends and I played a game called “Imagine That!” It was simple but oddly entertaining. Name three unrelated things. Then say “imagine that!” Then imagine it.

For instance: a tap-dancing Russian peasant woman. A leaf pile with a single diamond at the bottom. The boys from your college rugby team, singing drinking songs. Imagine that!

A suburban mother crusading to ban The Hunger Games from her child’s school. A Mexican wrestler with a heart of gold who needs to come up with a crazy scheme to pay his mortgage this month. A truckload of dancing ponies. Imagine that!

That’s what our posts for the week reminded me of: Michelle Tanner’s outfits. A Filipino McDonald’s franchise. Lisa Left Eye Lopes’s eye-condom. IMAGINE THAT! Let’s take it day-by-day:

Monday: A Fantastic Yet Underrated TV Sitcom

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Trophy Wife

5 Reasons to Watch

5) The Ex-Wives

Academy Award winner Marcia Gay Harden plays ex-wife number one, Diane. She’s a doctor, which means she’s totally type A personality and can be the bitch of the group when need be. She’s protective of her two teen kids, so much so that she did a little ‘light catfishing’ in order to keep track of them.

Click the link above for the other 4 fantastic reasons, and tune in Tuesdays, 9:30pm on ABC!

Tuesday: The Members of TLC, Recreated in a TV Movie, Surrounded By A Throng Of Scrubs

Yes, Scrubs: Top Scrubs Of CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story

Andre Rison

Who he is: football superstar who has a really nice house and cheats on Lisa.  Oh, then she burns down his really nice house. “He could have bought me some shoes,” Left Eye says.

Why he’s a scrub: Has a shorty but doesn’t show love; lives at home with his momma, probably (because his house burned down).

The Person In Charge Of Special Effects For The Waterfalls Video

Who he is: presumably some sort of special effects guru or like… a computer man. I’m not very techy.

Why he’s a scrub: With the benefit of another 2 decades of CGI technology, it’s now clear that his game is kinda weak.

Wednesday: International Fast Food That Makes You Hungry In Spite Of Being Technically Disgusting

McDonald’s Food From Around The World

Norway

Laksewrap Deep-fried fish with salad and a mango slice in a tortilla. Because, Scandinavia.

UK

Bacon Roll Because it’s from England, it’s exactly what it sounds like, and probably tastes as disgusting as it sounds.

Thursday: Tacky 80s Sitcom Kids Outfits That Were Apparently Made By Couture Designers

Michelle Tanner’s High-Fashion Fashions

Now, I’d never call Ashley Olsen a liar (Mary-Kate, on the other hand…). It’s just that, even in the crazy 80s, I thought that Chanel and Marc Jacobs were a little more dignified than this:

Thanks to Olivia Newton John, aerobic wear was all the rage, and Givenchy went off the rails for a while there.
From Armani’s Fall/Winter 1990 “Cartoon Pandas And Whales” line.

Friday: Your Favorite Famous TV People, When They Were Unknown TV People

Whatareyoudoinghere: Unexpected Guest Stars Of The West Wing

Nick Offerman

Season 1, Episode 4 Leave it up to the guy who plays a government worker who hates the government to play someone asking the White House for a $900 million ‘wolves-only roadway’ on The West Wing. Ron Swanson, everyone.

Liza Weil

Season 1, Episode 13 For some reason, Liza Weil is typecast as the unlikable, bitchy woman in everything I’ve seen her in (Paris Gellar?!). In TWW, she plays a young staffer who leaks Chief of Staff Leo McGarry’s troubled addict past. She gets fired, then gets rehired because Leo is da bomb.
Ready?  OK. A Fantastic Yet Underrated TV Sitcom, The Members of TLC, Recreated in a TV Movie, Surrounded By A Throng Of Scrubs, International Fast Food That Makes You Hungry In Spite Of Being Technically Disgusting,  Tacky 80s Sitcom Kids Outfits That Were Apparently Made By Couture Designers, Your Favorite Famous TV People, When They Were Unknown TV People.
Imagine that.

Whatareyoudoinghere: Unexpected Guest Stars of The West Wing

In its seven season history, The West Wing created some of the created episodes and moments in television – period. Aaron Sorkin’s most successful show to date took home 26 Emmy Awards, including Outstanding Drama Series four consecutive times. Basically, it was the definition of a hit series.

And with its critical acclaim and popularity, came outstanding actors, both those were were already accomplished (Martin Sheen, Alan Alda, Jimmy Smits), there was also a multitude of actors who were talented but on their way to finding fame.

Here are just some of the guest stars throughout The West Wing that were totally a part of Bartlet for America before hitting it big.

Nick Offerman

Season 1, Episode 4
Leave it up to the guy who plays a government worker who hates the government to play someone asking the White House for a $900 million ‘wolves-only roadway’ on The West Wing. Ron Swanson, everyone.

Liza Weil

Season 1, Episode 13
For some reason, Liza Weil is typecast as the unlikable, bitchy woman in everything I’ve seen her in (Paris Gellar?!). In TWW, she plays a young staffer who leaks Chief of Staff Leo McGarry’s troubled addict past. She gets fired, then gets rehired because Leo is da bomb.

Jane Lynch

Season 2, Episode 1
Pre-Glee, Jane Lynch spent her time in the White House press room, nagging Allison Janney for answers.

Sam Jaeger

Season 2, Episode 4
Before becoming a Braverman on Parenthood, Sam played a reporter in the White House. Look at how tiny he is!!

Eric Stonestreet

Screen shot 2013-10-02 at 9.36.41 PM

Season 2, Episode 19
Cam from Modern Family didn’t have many lines, but I’m sure he was an integral part to Oliver Platt’s White House Counsel.

Connie Britton

Season 3, Episode 2
Tami Taylor, y’all! She appeared in a few episodes as ‘Connie’, a Bartlet-Hoynes re-election campaign staffer. She was flawless before, she’s flawless now.

Dennis Haskins

Season 3, Episode 9
It’s really unfortunate that the guy I looked at as the ultimate high school principal turned into a creepo who owns a karaoke bar in Burbank. What happened to you, Mr. Belding? Luring Chief of Staff alcoholics liquor, that’s what.

Evan Rachel Wood

Season 3, Episode 21
This lucky bitch got to play CJ Cregg’s niece. And go shopping for designer clothes for prom. More jealous about the CJ Cregg thing, tho.

David Burtka

Season 3, Episode 21
Alright, how cute and adorable is Neil Patrick Harris’ boo?! Even though he played a young intern who ends up selling moose meat Josh gave Donna who gave it to David Burtka who illegally put it on eBay.

Amy Adams

Season 4, Episode 1
In the season opener, Bartlet & co. are back on the campaign trail, and we meet them in the middle of Indiana. Except the bus leaves without Toby and Josh, and they have to rely on farm girl Amy Adams to get them to their next stop in time. Really, it’s like she doesn’t age.

John Gallagher Jr.

Season 4, Episode 1
In the very same episode, high school student and Bartlet for America volunteer named Tyler helps out the gang by driving them around in his jeep. BTW, does he look familiar, Newsroom fans? Yep, that’s a young Jim Harper.
In fact, when John auditioned for Newsroom, Aaron Sorkin didn’t remember him from TWW, and just saw on his resume he had been in an episode. John of course refreshed his memory.

Danica McKellar

Season 4, Episode 6
Winnie Cooper guys, Winnie Cooper, back on TV! She played Will Bailey’s (Josh Malina) stepsister and assistant, Elsie Snuffin – an amazing name!

Christian Slater

Season 4, Episode 7
Basically if you were a person who got in the way of Donna and Josh’s sexual tension, I was not a fan. Enter Christian Slater. She met Lt. Commander Jack Reese outside a polling place, as she was trying to trade votes with a Republic voter after accidentally voting for the opponent instead of incumbent Democratic Pres Bartlet. They went out for approx 2 episodes before he was sent of to Italy. Good riddance.

Matthew Perry

Season 4, Episode 19
Technically Chandler still worked in the White House up until the new President moved in, but we only got to see him in a few episodes as the Associate White House Counsel. But their continuity is a little off since he was seen in season 4 as “Matthew Perry”, a celeb Donna tries to chat up during a Hollywood party. Oops.

Taye Diggs

Season 4, Episode 22
Let me start by saying this pic is what dreams are made of. My boyfriend Taye played a secret service agent who was in charge of keeping Pres Bartlet’s daughter Zoe (Elisabeth Moss) safe when she went out the night of her graduation. Except… things didn’t go so well…

Jesse Bradford

Season 5, Episode 2
Awesome, oh wow. Like totally freak me out I mean right *clap clap* the Toros sure are number one!!!
Jesse Bradford did not befriend a high school cheerleader in The West Wing. He basically followed Josh and Donna around just like in the gif.

Jason Isaacs

Season 5, Episode 21
Remember that thing I said about anyone getting in between Josh and Donna? Yeah, that goes for Lucius Malfoy. ESPECIALLY Lucius Malfoy. Jason Isaacs played a photojournalist Donna met during her trip to Gaza, and the two had a little fling. *Spoiler alert* Donna is one of the group of the White House who is injured in a car bombing, and Malfoy follows her to the German hospital she’s being treated in. Except Josh flies to her side too – to find the scene above…

Navid Negahban

Season 5, Episode 22 I would think it would suck to always be a Middle Eastern/Muslim/Terrorist if you’re of that ethnicity. But hey, as long as you keep gettin that dolla dolla billz, I guess it would be fine. Imagine my surprise when I found out Abu Nazir from Homeland showed up in the season finale as a foreign operative. I watch way too much TV to fully accept that Nazir travelled back in time to rendezvous with Josh Lyman.

Dean Norris

Season 7, Episode 6
Well, well, well, good old Hank Schrader, putting away his rocks and minerals in order to hang with the big guns. Dean came in for a couple of episodes in the last season, as the Chairman of the Republican National Committee, and while he may have had to face some tough politicians, I bet it was nothing compared to Heisenberg cornering you in your own garage.

Jon Bon Jovi

Season 7, Episode 15
What’s more American than getting Jon Bon Jovi to play at a campaign rally? Springsteen, probably, but he wasn’t available for this episode. JBJ even had speaking lines in this episode, where he helped raise money for Congressman Matt Santos’ (Jimmy Smits) campaign. He’s just livin on a bus and a prayer, you guys.

 

 

Michelle Tanner’s High-Fashion Fashions

Remember Michelle Tanner’s outfits? They were the coolest – the oversized buttons, the sassy sweatsuits, the sunflower hats. Well, you can’t buy style that fly at The Children’s Place. Nope – those fashions went straight from the runway, to a seamstress who cuts down clothing for children and tiny adults, to your television. I didn’t believe it, either, but this week Ashley Olsen said:

We’d be in six-hour fittings three times a week, because we had to wear 12 different outfits. The majority of the wardrobe was made up of adult pieces, including Chanel and Marc Jacobs, cut to fit.

Now, I’d never call Ashley Olsen a liar (Mary-Kate, on the other hand…). It’s just that, even in the crazy 80s, I thought that Chanel and Marc Jacobs were a little more dignified than this:

Thanks to Olivia Newton John, aerobic wear was all the rage, and Givenchy went off the rails for a while there.

From Armani’s Fall/Winter 1990 “Cartoon Pandas And Whales” line.

The 90s were in full swing, and the House of Versace was all about these fetus-sized voodoo dolls with yarn hair.

Every student of fashion knows the 1992 collaboration between Jean-Paul Gaultier and Lisa Frank.

(L) Olsen in Oleg Cassini (Resort Collection); (R) Baby Jess Merriweather in Gymboree.

The running motif in Jil Sander’s poorly-received Spring 1991 line? Big-assed buttons.

Princess Diana wore nautical pieces on a Greek vacation, and the next season, Commes des Garcons was – in designer Kawakubo’s own words – “trying a thing.”

I thought that this was both twins, circa 1995, in Vera Wang. However, I’m told that this is a full-grown Mary-Kate Olsen, appearing alongside her paramour and an actual child. Honest mistake.

Vintage Chanel Couture.

You thought your third grade teacher was buying her Christmas sweaters at Christopher & Banks? Try Dolce & Gabbana.

‘You Know What? Everyone Just Give Up For A While’ – cover story of Vogue’s September Issue, 1989 – and the inspiration for this ensemble.

McDonald’s Food From Around the World

The last time I was in the Philippines in 2005 (if we’re just meeting for the first time, my parents moved from the Philippines to the States in the 1970s, I was born in western New York and I used to go “back home” every five years for a family reunion. I have landed a real job since I was a teenager, have not been back since), I was sitting in a mall food court and taking particular note of the McDonalds items on the menu.

It looked something like this:

Some items of note: Longganisa (typical Filipino breakfast sausage), spaghetti, fried chicken and of course, rice. I guess it never occurred to me until then that McDonalds, although one of the most recognized brands in the world, must change up their menu in order to accommodate the tastes and palettes of  its local customers.

During my time studying abroad in Europe, I did my best to take in the local cuisine, but throughout a four month period, you just have to indulge in something that’s more familiar. While waiting for a plane in Madrid, I just HAD to have McDonalds, even though i rarely ate it in America. Even their menu was extremely different.

¿Discúlpeme, España? Your desayunos include toasted english muffins with olive oil, donuts and croissants? Yo quiero McDonalds, amirite Taco Bell?!

So there’s gotta be a bunch of other weird/different/interesting local food incorporated in McDs across the globe right? Here are some standouts from around the world.

China

Taro Pie
Taro is a common potato-like item that’s usually found in Asia and the Pacific Islands, so selling it in China is kinda like our apple pies. It’s similar to chunky mashed potatoes, but sweet and purple. And obviously attractive.

Fresh Corn Cup
This is self-explanatory, but just know that if you don’t feel like having fries, you can get this instead.


Hong Kong

Samurai Burger
This concoction includes a pork patty covered in Teriyaki sauce, egg, lettuce, and Japanese lemon mayo. It’s just familiar yet odd enough that I would try a bite of it.

Twisty Pasta
Inspired by the popular breakfast dish, this McDonald’s version includes macaroni pasta, chicken broth, carrots, corn, peas, topped with a sausage and egg.


India

Since all McDonalds in India don’t serve beef or pork per the Hindu belief, a lot of the foods in the country are specially crafted to include a lot of veggies and incorporate their cuisine. This is the McAloo Tikki, a patty made of potato and peas, coated in Indian spices and breadcrumbs, and topped with sweet tomato mayo, onions and tomatoes.

Veggie Pops
Potatoes and spinach in a crunchy breadcrumb outside? Sign me up.

Spicy Paneer Wrap
If you’re an Indian food fan, you’re probs familiar with paneer, a cheese used in a bunch of Indian dishes. McD’s decided to take a huge chunk of it, fry it, put it alongside lettuce, tomatoes, some kind of sauce and melted cheese in a wrap.

Flavor Twist (Green Apple)
It’s like the regular McD’s ice cream – but with GREEN APPLE. HELLO, AMERICA?!?!


Indonesia

Because who doesn’t like a good porridge from McDonald’s?


Japan

EBI Filet-O
Shrimp. This is a shrimp burger. That’s really all there is to it.

Bacon Potato Pie
I mean this is pretty straightfoward. Forget apple pie. Bacon potato is where it’s at.

Cheese Katsu sandwich
A thin piece of pork, cheese stuffed in the middle of it, then fried to a crisp and put in a sandwich. So, clearly, really good for you.

Shaka Shaka Chicken
It’s like a giant chicken McNugget in a paper bag. You choose a flavor, like cheese or lemon or pepper seasonings, pour it into the bag, then shake and enjoy. Not really sure why this is such a big hit in Japan. It’s essentially fast food Shake ‘N Bake.


Saudi Arabia

The McArabia
Served in warm pita bread, this item is made with grilled chicken or grilled kofta – beef with spices – and paired with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and garlic mayo. Garlic mayo?!


South Korea

Bulgogi Burger
Bulgogi is one of Korea’s most popular delicacies, so obvs it needs to be put between McD’s famous buns. The marinated barbecue beef is covered in bulgogi sauce and structured just like a Big Mac.


Egypt

McFalafel
No meat? No problem. Delicious falafel instead!


Taiwan

McRice burger
You know Ramen burgers? This is kinda like that. But rice patties. Sorry, FRIED rice patties….


France

CroqueMcDo
This item is a play on the traditional French croque-monsieur sandwich, consisting of two slices of Emmental cheese and a slice of ham toasted between two hamburger buns. Because if you’re in France, eat the best French food at McDonald’s.


Germany

The Nürnberger
What’s Germany without sausage?! And what better way to rep Germany than to put not one, not two, but three small, spiced sausages on a roll!?

McCurrywurst
This is a fairly new item, introduced in February, and is a play off the popular item, Currywurst. Sausage, yet again, in a tangy tomato sauce and curry powder, served with either bread or fries. Seems like a bit of reach to me.


Greece

Greek Mac & Spring Rolls
Not only does Greece have their own version of the BigMac on Pita bread, but they servce spring rolls too. Spring rolls!


The Netherlands

McKroket
In college, I studied abroad in The Netherlands, and in many of the train stations, there were fast food vending machines, where you would buy stuff that looked exactly like this McKroket, except sans buns. This is the same thing – a deep fried roll containing beef ragout, served with frite sauce – aka a special mayo that is delish on this as well as frites aka french fries!

Stroopwafel McFlurry
Holy crap, guys. McFlurries are obviously not a new thing. But this stroopwafel is. Stroopwafel is a popular snack/dessert which is two thin layers of waffle with baked caramel-like batter in the middle and it’s amazing. AND NOW IT’S IN A MCFLURRY?! I NEED TO GO BACK JUST FOR THIS.


Norway

Laksewrap
Deep-fried fish with salad and a mango slice in a tortilla. Because, Scandinavia.


UK

Bacon Roll
Because it’s from England, it’s exactly what it sounds like, and probably tastes as disgusting as it sounds.

Mince Meat Pie
Because the British can only out-British their own during the holiday season.


Canada

McLobster
For some reason, a lobster roll from a Canadian McDonald’s sounds much less sketchy than getting on in America…?


Mexico

McMolletes
Mexican bfast? English muffin topped with refried beans, cheese and pico de gallo. Si.


New Zealand

McPavlova
Based on the popular New Zealand dessert called Pavlova, this is crisp meringue, topped with soft serve ice cream and passionfruit sauce. I would like this right after the Stroopwafel McFlurry, please.

Yes, Scrubs: Top Scrubs Of CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story

Crash course – skip it if you know it:

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly and is also known as a buster. He always talks about what he wants, but just sits on his broke ass. You don’t want his number, or to give him yours, or to meet him anywhere, or any of his time. He hangs out in the passenger side of his best friend’s ride, trying to holler at you. He checks you, but his game is kind of weak and he cannot approach you. He looks like trash. You cannot get with his deadbeat ass. He doesn’t have a car, he lives with his momma, and has a shorty but he doesn’t show love. He wants to get with you, but has no money.

TLC knew a lot of scrubs. That’s why they had to write the song. If you watched CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story, you probably noticed that before Chilli, T-Boz, and Left Eye declared TLC a scrub-free zone, there were scrubs. Oh, there were scrubs:

Chilli’s Dad and Left Eye’s Dad

Who he is: Chilli’s dad was never in her life. Left Eye’s dad was was in the military and Left Eye was never good enough for him. According to this photo, Chilli’s dad may have met her on the Sally Jesse Raphael show, which is a pretty damn scrubby way to meet your child (it’s no Maury, but it’s not exactly Oprah either).

Why they’re scrubs: has a shorty, doesn’t show love; deadbeat ass.

Dallas Austin

Who he is: He’s a producer/mogul/jerkface extraordinaire who gets Chilli pregnant then pressures her not to have the baby. The movie soundtrack plays Still Not A Player when he hooks up with Chilli. He gets some other woman pregnant too, when he easily could have borrowed a condom from Left Eye’s glasses.
Such a douchebag, he’s named for not one but two Texas cities.
When he’s thinking of Chilli he sends her a page (remember pagers?) that says “500 500 500 500.” That was sexting in the 90s. Simpler times.

Why he’s a scrub: Thinks he’s fly; always talkin’ about what he wants; his game is kinda weak; deadbeat ass; you don’t want his number (because he will text you the number 500 over and over).

Whoever Put Left Eye’s Left Eye In Danger Of Getting An STD

Who he is: Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes had to wear a condom on her eye, probably because somebody kept getting bodily fluids in it. That’s scrub behavior. Also I know a girl who had a situation where some … stuff got in her eye and it stung so bad that she almost went to the hospital, so I don’t blame Lopez for taking precautions. Also, I thought that was a fried egg on her eye until I was legit 18 years old.

Why he’s a scrub: he’s looking like trash; also known as a buster; I don’t want to meet [him] nowhere.

T-Boz’s Sickle Cell Anemia

Who he is: Sickle-cell anemia is an inherited blood disorder that produces symptoms like fatigue, shortness of breath, and jaundice. It also causes painful sickle cell crises.

Why he’s a scrub: Knows that it cannot approach Chilli and Left Eye (because they don’t carry genetic markers); T-Boz don’t want any of sickle cell anemia’s time.

Andre Rison

Who he is: football superstar who has a really nice house and cheats on Lisa. Oh, then she burns down his really nice house. “He could have bought me some shoes,” Left Eye says.

Why he’s a scrub: Has a shorty but doesn’t show love; lives at home with his momma, probably (because his house burned down).

The Person In Charge Of Special Effects For The Waterfalls Video

Who he is: presumably some sort of special effects guru or like… a computer man. I’m not very techy.

Why he’s a scrub: With the benefit of another 2 decades of CGI technology, it’s now clear that his game is kinda weak.

Pebbles and L.A. Reid and Clive Davis

Who they are: These horrible music-mogul jerks who mismanaged T.L.C.’s money. It reminds me of those modeling schemes that you sometimes hear about on 20/20, where way too many costs were docked against the girls’ profits.

Why they’re scrubs: TLC are looking like class but these 3 are looking like trash; wanna get with me with no money (because they stole it).

Larry

Who he is: Lisa’s boyfriend, who had a wife.

Why he’s a scrub: thinks he’s fly; don’t want none of his time (because he should spend it with his wife).

Bill Diggins

Who he is: a manager who’s less of an out-and-out shyster than the Reids, but still he has slicked-back hair and I don’t like his tone.

Why he’s a scrub: always talks about what he wants but just sits on his broke ass.