Live Blog: The 2013 Academy Awards

Happy Oscar night! So glad you came to join us. Please refresh the page every five minutes or so because WordPress doesn’t allow realtime liveblogging.

M: Welcome to the Cookies + Sangria 2013 liveblog! We’re watching the preshow on E because we… watch preshows on E. Also my family is here right now, so I may include their commentary but it would probably be too painful for all of us (read: my father has already called Reese Witherspoon fat). However, my sister-in-law just suggested that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host everything so… we might be okay.

M: Molly’s Sister-in-Law Commentary: Jennifer Lawrence’s smiling face and Jennifer Lawrence’s straight face look like two entirely different people.

Molly’s Brother Commentary: The E! Preshow is like mean girls in high school. To everyone’s face they’re like “oh my god you look amazing!” and then to their friends the next day it’s all (whispering) “did you see her DRESS?!” Also, Jennifer Lawrence has the voice of a 38-year-old.

T: I love when I forget that TV people are in movies. i.e. Bryan Cranston was in Argo. Also, I haven’t seen Argo, so that’s probably why.

T: Sally Field in a red gown and I literally just said “Va-va-VOOM” to myself. what.

M: Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing! I mean I can only see the very top of her dress but I’m pretty sure. Early warning, my “w” key is sticking a bit so that may get messy later.

T: wait… what just happened with JLaw at the mani cam??? She literally looked into the tiny camera and said, “Your ass is mine, Stone” (to Emma Stone) I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

M: I didn’t catch the context of that either but are they friends? I love that and want to be friends with them. I mean they could blog with us. I mean we’d let them.

T: I’d let J Law and Emma do whatever they wanted with me (take that however you want).

M: For those of you who aren’t around people who change the channel during the commercial break, ESPN just presented the “jeers of January,” the #1 being this guy who cleaned his sweaty arms/pits with a towel and tossed it to his teammate, who wiped his face with it. This is why I don’t do sports.

M: Sister-in-law commentary: the woman to Jennifer Hudson’s left looks like J.Hud if things had gone the other way

T: LOL re: J Hud’s guest. I believe that’s her sister.

M: My family is formulating theories for why actors are so short. They think they were the extroverted people who weren’t cut out for sports. I mean probably. (Source: Am tiny and unathletic; did theater).

T: What a tender moment between Dustin Hoffman and Sally Field. I play this game in my head called, ‘what movie were these two actors in together?’ I lost that particular round.

M: We just convinced my dad that Joseph Gordon Levitt and Sally Field are married. Are they married? Or just together for interviews? Also my dad just asked if Charlize Theron has come out of the closet yet. I don’t know if I can do this.

T: Melissa McCarthy is rocking some TEXAS sized hair tonight. I still think she’s the best. Tami Taylor would be proud.

M: Quvanzhane Wallis is actually walking down the carpet underneath J.Law’s giant dress-flounce (that’s why we haven’t seen her yet).
M: My dad: What if Tom Cruise had to present to Katie Holmes at one of these shows?
Me: I … don’t think Katie Holmes will be winning an award at one of these shows.

T: Anytime Ryan interviews an Idol alum on the red carpet, I feel like he’s thinking ‘I am proud, but also am partly responsible for your success.’ Also, remember how Jennifer Hudson has an Oscar??

M: Kimora Lee Simmons exists outside of ANTM in 2005? Okay, I guess. Also my sister in law just said she’s only like 36 or something. Is that close to true?

T: Helen Hunt is wearing H&M. And also $700,000 worth of jewels. So I mean that equals out, I guess.

M: I think I have a weird crush on Christoph Waltz. Does anyone know if he’s straight? This is all very hypothetical anyway, my relationship with Christoph Waltz.

T: Is anyone else distracted by these Japanese reporters next to Ryan? I feel like they’re going to do the little azn giggle thing any time a big star comes over to talk to them.

M: Anne Hathaway… early 2000s prom dress? She looks pretty, though.

T: Anne’s dress, in addition to looking like a prom dress, is reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s in 1999. Also, the dress has its own wikipedia page.

M: Anne Hathaway is wearing Prada/ (Insert Devil Wears Prada ref)

M: I don’t understand Naomi Watts’s neckline, because I think I’d need an engineering degree to do that. Charlize Theron just collided with the actor-wrangler. Or some woman with a badge and sunglasses.

T: If I cut my hair like Charlize, I’d look like one of her prisonmates in Monster. Charlize looks like an angel.

M: I’d look like a 7-year-old boy. I mean more than I do already.

T: BTW, for an insider’s perspective (someone who lives in LA), the intersection of Hollywood and Highland is one that I pass by every day to get to work. Here’s a photo I took on Monday, when they shut down a block of Hollywood Blvd. While I still think it’s awesome that the Oscars are literally happening minutes away from me right now, it’s annoying since I had to take a whole different route to work today. #FirstWorldLAProblems.

T: GLORIA COOPER. YOU ROCK THAT PINK FEATHERED SHAWL.

M: Did Bradley Cooper bring his mother? I love him and I think she’d make a great mother-in-law to anybody who is me.

M: Who is that person on E wearing the polka dotted gown thing? Is it made of vinyl? I hate it.

T: That person on E! also just said “side boobies”

M: Also,” half-boob”? Isn’t that just cleavage? Like, low cleavage?

T: E is currently scrolling the Governor’s Ball menu on their chyron right now and it is literally making my mouth water. I should probably eat something.

M: I think Jessica Chastain got it right this time! I need to see the dress again. I hope so. She’s one of those celebs I technically don’t know much about but I just really irrationally think she’s probably a fantastic person.

T: Why are we watching the Vanity Fair red carpet right now? Like there aren’t any celebrities at the Oscars red carpet right now to interview?? I mean Leslie and Judd look great and all, but I want to see Jennifer Aniston again.

M: Yes, we all love Maude Apatow’s parents (as they’ll probably be known in like 20 years) but I agree.

T: J Hud’s stylist… I kind of would watch a reality show about your life.

M: While I like Anne Hathaway, I’d like to make a special shoutout to the person who found our blog today by Googling “anne hathaway stinks and she can’t sing and she is ugly.” Thanks for dropping in!

T: omg LOL at that Anne Hathaway Google search

M: Right? I wonder if it was a 12 year old or an adult with a lot of feelings about Anne Hathaway. Maybe that ex-fiancé of hers who was busted for being a shyster

T: hahaha the latter, I assume

T: Legit going to switch over to ABC if they don’t go back to Ryan right now. Why are we watching still shots of Nicole Kidman?!

M: We just watched like 10 minutes of very marginally famous ladies talking about people’s dresses. Come on. That’s what we’re going to watch TOMORROW. Did ABC buy the rights to airing everything worth watching after 7:30EST?

T: I snuck over to ABC. I’m not going to lie. The Oscar Experience College Search winners are on – aka the college kids handing out the awards to the presenters tonight. And the AZN girl is a student at Emerson. what upppp!

M: Meanwhile on E, we are looking at still photos of the Garner-Afflecks. Clearly taken from afar by a wide-angle lens. Apparently they look like “any family, out on the town!” The only reason I can’t confirm/deny is that my family avoids going out on “the town,” at least as a unit.

T:… Did G just talk about Ben Affleck’s beard tweeting her. WHAT IS GOING ON.

M: Did all of their on-carpet camera people DIE OH MY GOD WHAT IS E NOT TELLING US?!

T: Conspiracy theory: Sasha Baron Cohen came back as The Dictator and instead of white powder, he poured anthrax on Ryan on the red carpet.

M: Everybody stop contemplating how much exercise Jane Fonda does and what kind. First of all, it’s all in her videos and second of all bitch has straight-up plastic surge (not judging, can’t afford it anyway).

T: Meanwhile on ABC, Hugh Jackman lifted Kristin Chenoweth in one arm and his wife in the other. And Kelly Rowland left Beyonce at home and interviewed smokeshow Chris Evans in an awkward fashion. Still better than Jane Fonda exercise commentary.

M: This E! Commentary is like watching the Oscars in a room full of people who happen to be in the urgent care waiting room when you are, or something. They are no more funny or interesting than the general population.

T: Vanity Fair just tweeted that E!’s cameras were kicked off the red carpet. Can’t tell if that’s frreal or not. My assumption is that actually might be true. Somewhere, the producers are yelling their brains out.

M: That is the only thing that makes sense right now. This is painful. Well. Sandra Bullock is so pretty but I wish she’d bring her adorable baby everywhere as an accessory. A lot of babies aren’t cute (just being real) but that one … Also, sometime I’m going to post sexist movie commentary of my dad’s that I’ve collected, but he’s pretty bad with red carpet events too, apparently. Salma Hayek? “Not that pretty.”

T: There is a one shot on ABC of Jennifer Aniston being interviewed and Adele in the back. I die. (we switched to ABC because frankly, there’s only so much fashion commentary from Kelly Osbourne one can take.)

M: Aniston! Love her. Wish her hair was less plain than it always is. I’m not saying she should bring back the Rachel but oh my goodness, what would we all do if she brought back the Rachel?

T: I would like to be BFFs with Cheno and Jennifer Garner. Also, Cheno is doing a fab job, is there anything she can’t do? Really.

M: Little known fact: Cheno is ¼ English, ½ German, and ¼ Pixie. And she’s singing tonight!! I didn’t know that before, but yay!

T: I think Halle Berry is wearing a very similar dress to Norah Jones. Oops.

M: Halle Berry wanted to “go as a Bond girl” to the Oscars, but she accidentally went as my grammy, in the early 90s, on one of her Vegas trips. Whoopsie!

T: OH MY GOD Cheno standing next to Adele is insane. Adele is 5’9” and Cheno is like 4’9”. DEAD.

M: Which of George Clooney’s lady friends is this one? I never bother to tell them apart.

T: Stacy Kiebler. I remember this because her name is a cookie.

M: The audio between this interview and a Cheno one is overlapping. Cheno’s great grandfather was an elf, by the by. And I freakin LOVED those Keebler E.L. Fudge cookies.

T: BREAKING NEWS: WHILE WE WERE WATCHING 30 EXTRA UNNECESSARY MINUTES OF FASHION COMMENTARY ON E!, AARON PAUL FROM BREAKING BAD GOT MARRIED. SAD YET HAPPY DAY FOR ALL.

M: I don’t watch Breaking Bad but I’m familiar with Aaron Paul from liking how he looks.

T: Just realized that Bryan Cranston didn’t go to his wedding. oh well.

T: BTW, Seacrest made his way into the fashion studio across the street, so he def got kicked off the red carpet. Well, props to him, because seriously, he is the best interviewer on the red carpet. Love that man.

M: I’m betting the Fashion Police commentary will be extra-angry tomorrow since everyone’s feeling all jilted. Everything Cheno says tonight sounds like the spoken lines from “Popular” in Wicked. Please tweet us at @CookiesSangria if you know what E did to get kicked off!

T: FYI, it is NOT cold in Los Angeles right now. I’m looking at you Anne Hathaway.

T: Everytime I see Jamie Foxx’s daughter, she is STUNNING. Also, he was hitting on Kelly Rowland and they had to awkwardly cut away.

M: For real, Foxx’s daughter is so pretty! I remember that she at an Awards show with him back in the Ray era and she was like 10. I’m old.

T: Kristen Stewart was on crutches? Is that why she was shaking like a meth addict?

M: It could have been meth, I don’t really know what she’s into.

T: LEMON FACE! I mean Renee Zellweger. What happened to you?

M: Is Renee Zellwegger relevant? I mean other than to her family and friends and, you know, the universe as a whole in a general “no man is an island” sense?

T: Is anyone playing Oscars Bingo? Here’s one from Entertainment Weekly.

M: Queen Latifah! I love her so much. I was in an airport in France, and my friend said “Queen Latifah just walked by!” but I heard it as “Queen Latifah just died!” so I said “NO! I LOVE Queen Latifah!” really, really loud, and the Queen looked at me. Then my friend talked to her and I stood there. She’s really pretty. She was with who I assume to be her ladyfriend. And I don’t mean that in the sense that Traci here is my lady/friend.

T: Queen La looks like she’s heading to her wedding. A lesbian wedding. Yeah I said it.

T: Whoa. The stage is what I want my wedding to look like. Also, RDJ is not impressed with Seth MacFarlane.

T: For the record, I don’t like Family Guy, and frankly I find Seth to be a little annoying. I did like Ted though. So let’s hope he’s not douchey tonight.

M: So far, I’m happy/surprised that MacFarlane’s tone hasn’t been too mean/negative, which I was expecting. But you know, I’ll really never be happy until Amy Poehler is hosting everything. EVERYTHING. From the Oscars to the Nobel prize to that second-cousin’s bridal shower I don’t want to go to.

T: Good lord, that guy LOOKS like a Coppola.

M: Ohh okay. I’m one of those people who will joke about anything/everything with friends of mine, but public domestic violence jokes? Just not awesome.

T: Ok, legit just LOLed at the Jodie Foster joke. Freaking Jodie Foster’s speech was the worst.

M: I read a transcript of Jodie Foster’s speech but I’d have had better luck interpreting hieroglyphics or the cursive chapter introductions of BabySitters Club Super-Specials.

T: Not even 10 minutes in and the weird William Shatner/Star Trek segment adresses the lack of Tina and Amy.

M: Are all of the actresses’ eyerolls in this “I Saw Your Boobs” song part of a bit, or does the whole world hate Seth MacFarlane? My upper lip is curling in disgust involuntarily. I don’t think boob humor is too crass. I just hate when things aren’t funny.

T: I AM SO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Seth just went from
singing to a song about boobs to singing The Way You look Tonight with a ballroom dance including two hot actors. I get the whole bit but this is stupid.

M: Channing Tatum is dancing sooo I … guess I don’t care whether this is funny right now (it’s still not, though).

M: Star Trek references will never be part of my interest set. Sometimes people on Facebook repost things from that nice-seeming Asian man but… that’s about as far as it will ever go with me. What the shit are these sock puppets? And Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt. I hate MacFarlane for being terrible, then putting beautiful people on the stage to sing and dance so I stop being mad. That’s a terrible trick.

T: SETH you are ruining this amazing song and dance number by JGL and Harry Potter. (Just expect me to be annoyed at Seth, moving forward).

M: I’m looking up some more outfits online. Looks like Q… Wallis had another puppy purse. I’m glad she sticks with what works for her, like Anna Wintour with her haircut, but I sort of hoped she’d really go for it. Cat purse or something. Elephant purse maybe. Oh ALSO the internet said she was just cast as Annie which is terrible news because that means I wasn’t cast as Annie. Have they SEEN me?! I guess she’s a fine second choice.

M: I love Octavia Spencer! Also she and J.Chastain are one of the cutest celeb friendships, from what little I’ve seen. Oh hey – first category! Best supporting actor. I saw everything here but The Master, but I’d like PSH to win, because Rochester.

T: Listen, I haven’t seen Django, but I did see Christoph host SNL and that was surprisingly hysterical.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTORChristoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln

Traci’s prediction: Christoph Waltz
Molly’s prediction: Alan Arkin
Winner: Christoph Waltz

M: My boy!! Kind of. I only decided to have a crush on him about an hour ago.

T: Jack Nicholson is in the audience and the first shot of him is looking mighty confused. Sounds about right.

T: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy’s intro was better than the entirety of Seth’s monologue. Well, most of it at least.

M: Animated short film. Well, 17 minutes in and we’re already to the “shit I don’t care about” segment. The segment being about ¾ of the program. I guess I wanted the Maggie Simpson one to win to the extent I wanted any of these to win. I’m sure they’re all lovely.

T: Yes, you WERK that kilt, guy from Brave. Is the woman with him also dressed up like a character from the movie, or is that real life?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Frankenweenie
The Pirates
Wreck-It Ralph
Paranorman
Brave

Traci’s prediction: Brave
Molly’s prediction: Brave
Winner: Brave

M: The people from Brave appeared in costume, I guess. The man is dressed as a disgruntled boy whose mom made him do Irish dance (read: my brother in 1990), and the woman is dressed as a person who got lost on her way back from a Civil War reenactment.

M: They are now announcing best picture nominees, starting with Les Miserables. All of my feelings and Traci’s feelings about this movie are in our liveblog.They’re doing this weird. They’ve moved on to Life of Pi.

Life of Pi
Molly’s take: I tried to read this book and failed like three times. That never happens to me. This is the first time I’ve ever said this about a book-to-film adaptation, but I really do think this story works better as a movie than a book.

Traci’s take: Boy on a raft with tiger?
And then, straight to Beasts of the Southern Wild? Eh, at least maybe they’ll cut some run time this way.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Molly’s take: I really really liked this. The performances were incredible and there were weird non-literal special effects (beasts. In the Southern Wild), which I liked — usually I don’t care for that kind of thing. Don’t think it has much of a shot, to be quite honest.

Traci’s take: I watched this on Friday night. Qua.. (Q, I call her), was absolutely fantastic in this movie. Overall I liked it, didn’t love it, but don’t think it’s going to win either.

M: MacFarlane just said Quvenzhane wrong. No, just kidding. There’s no way to say Quvenzhane wrong. BTW girl is living my nine-year-old dreams and is so adorable I almost teared up a little. You know, I spelled Quvenzhane wrong and Google docs actually recognized it and angry red underlined it. Meanwhile, my last name is something like the eighth most common surname in Ireland and Google Docs is always like, wait… you made a mistake there, right?

T: Oh good lord that George Clooney joke was second hand embarrassment to the max.

T: Did I just have a stroke, or did I not understand anything the Avengers just said?

M: No, I didn’t even understand the name of this category. I take it Life of Pi just won for something technical or… okay, cinematography. That’s fair. It was very pretty. The cinematographer has a soft-looking long white mane that I would like to weave into some sort of a crown braid.

T: This guy might just be waking up from his quaalude trip from 1967. But I mean, congrats.

M: They’re doing visual effects which is probably important to some people. But I think all of those people are there, because they’re nominated, so it’s okay to take a bathroom break or get some tea right now.

T: I’m using this time during the awards I don’t care about to check Instagram. I just found out that Aaron Paul IS NOT married. It was his fiancee’s bridal shower. False alarm folks.

M: They may be cutting into this speech with the Jaws theme. That is the most aggressive overtime music I’ve ever seen. They should start pulling the long-winded winners off with a giant crook, vaudeville, style.

T: I thought it was the Jaws theme too!!! Did you guys see the look on Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s faces!! This is so embar.

M: I will never get used to seeing Keith Urban at Hollywood events. Or Nicole Kidman at country music events.

T: Channing is doing his best acting work right now. In related news: DILF. And if you win for something like costume design, you better be wearing an amazing out of this world dress. Can’t say that for this woman.However, she wins for best speech so far.

M: The top of that dress looks like a cozy sweater I’d wear on a day when I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be leaving my office very much. Also I forgot to pay attention during her speech, I’ve really got to be better about that.

T: THE MAKEUP AND HAIR CHICK IS WEARING PINK LEGGINGS. ATTENTION. PINK LEGGINGS.

M: Ohh no. The outfit on the makeup lady for Les Miserables. Is she dressed as a consumptive prostitute because that is the only excuse. She looks like when tweenage girls over-accessorize and wear a bunch of sparkly shit because they like it and don’t know better.

T: Work, Halle. Is this when Adele sings? I’m listening.

M: I didn’t see Skyfall because I have a personal policy of not watching movies that are going to bore me.

T: I actually can’t even recall if I’ve ever seen a Bond movie.

M: Pretty sure I never have. I could make up a nice-sounding reason that had to do with violence and misogyny, which I’m sure is in there, but it’s honestly because they look boring to me. But I have seen Austin Powers, which is probably the same thing but funny.

T: Yeah, I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels, so that’s the same too.

M: Who is this bitch who’s not Adele? The lyrics to this song are so bad and generically Bond-y that I think she’s just making them up on the spot. “Gold” “He loves Gold” “Pretty Girl”. And then a lot of sassy arm movements.

T: Man, Shirley Bassey is bringing the DRA-MA.”HE LOVES GOLD”

M: Evidently the Bond films are about a man who enjoys gold. The audience is considerably more impressed than I am.

T: Hey, wasn’t there a guy on Austin Powers in Goldfinger that kept saying “I love gooooolld”? That’s Shirl Bassey right now.

M: That’s probably what Austin Powers was referencing. Leave it to me to watch a parody of something that I’ve never even seen. Anyway, nice work, Shirl. She really made me feel how much this man enjoys gold.

T: I don’t watch Scandal, I hear it’s good. But that commercial just made me want to watch the shit out of it.

M: Kerry Washington looks like Oscars Barbie, right? Also I was so blinded by Jamie Foxx’s pretty child earlier that I didn’t notice his sparkly bow tie.

Actually Shawn Christensen.

T: Shawn Christensen, the winner of the live action short film is ADORABLE. What is this accent? He looks like he could be the frontman of an emo band from 2004.

M: Yes. Like he’d have been in a band that Seth Cohen listened to. He’s precious. All right, best picture nominees again: Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty.

Argo
Molly’s take: Loved everything about this. Wish Affleck were nominated for Best Director. My favorite part was the whole movie and my second-favorite part was during the credits when they showed the split-screen of the locations/people in the movie vs real life. They weren’t playing it up. The 70s seriously looked like that.
Traci’s take: Ben Affleck is getting this award and I’m hoping to God he’s going to tell the Academy to SUCK IT.

Lincoln
Molly’s take: I mean the following in the least self-deprecating way possible: I don’t think I was smart enough for this. But how much do you want to have a folksy 19th century politician to tell you funny, apt anecdotes? I wish Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln was my friend or uncle. I have never heard anything quite like that accent of his, for the record.
Traci’s take: I saw this with my parents and didn’t really want to go in the first place. But I mean it was well done, and the acting was good, but I think I fell asleep for part of it. Just hand Dan Lewis the Oscar already.

Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s take: This film was fairly long, but my mind didn’t wander once during it. Why wasn’t Kathryn Bigelow nominated, again? Also: Andy Dwyer as a Navy Seal. Yes, please.
Traci’s take: So I’ve only seen four out of the five best picture movies, so expect half-assed commentary. I wanted to watch this movie, specifically because of Andy Dwyer. I mean – HELLO.

T: I thought there was going to be a JLo joke in there and a quick cutaway to the Affleck-Garners. Thank God I was wrong.

M: You’d think I’d be really jazzed about Best Documentary Feature because cerebral foreign documentaries are the ONLY thing that Netflicks thinks I know how to love, but no. Haven’t seen any of these. Molly fact of the day: the gent who directed the terrible stranger danger film I was in as a kiddo was nominated for Best Documentary. Not for the stranger danger film. Sat next to Anjelica Houston. Ohh shit. Jaws music again.

T: So the producers are just using Seth every second possible, right? Do we really need to know what’s coming up in the next segment? I swear, he’s getting more screen time than Amy and Tina did at the Globes. To quote Kenan Thompson on SNL, What’s Up With That?

BEST FOREIGN FEATURE
Amour
No
Rebelle (War Witch)
A Royal Affair
Contiki

Traci’s prediction: Amour
Molly’s prediction: Amour
Winner: Amour

M: Amour was, I suppose, technically a very good movie but it was so ridiculously sad that I can’t recommend watching it if you’re the kind of human who has feelings. Let’s just stop and notice how really good Emmanuelle Riva looks for whatever her age is.

T: Seth stayed away from making fun of John Travolta, because, well, the Scientologists would be after him in a heartbeat.

T: AARON TVEIT!! Ok, yes I got excited about him during our Les Mis live blog too, but whatever, he is WORTH IT.

M. YES YES AARON TVIET It’s like I’m so happy that I almost didn’t notice the ridic French accent Travolta used when he said Les Miserables (Xenu forgive me).

T: Hi, Chicago was released TEN YEARS ago. TEN.

M: Okay, that’s why Zellwegger’s here. TEN YEARS. Is Catherine Z-J’s dress see-through? I’m confused by it.

T: Oh hey So You Think You Can Dance alums, I see you.

M: Did Z-J just pull a Beyonce – Inauguration (lip sync) or a Beyonce – Halftime Show (live performance)?

T: Pretty sure she did. I hope she gets a lot of shit from this, and tries to sing the national anthem at a press conference before she performs at the Super Bowl. Oh JK she can’t do that because she’s Catherine Zeta-Jones, not Beyonce.

T: Shut it all down, J Hud blew everyone at the Oscars away. Does she know she can’t win another award for this?

M: I don’t know whether I should be like, “DAMN – listen to Jennifer Hudson” or “DAMN – look at Jennifer Hudson.” Either way. Damn, girl.

T: OH GREAT, Russell Crowe is following Jennifer Hudson. HAHAHAHA. Best of luck, mate.

M: Is it too late for him to just not? I guess so. Ohh and he’s doing “Suddenly?” Nahh, bud.

T: AMANDA LOOKS AMAZING. And Samantha Barks’ waist STILL looks CGI-ed!!!

M: SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST. I knew we’d get that one into another post.

T: I LEGIT JUST STOOD UP AND SCREAMED “AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT”
Why is Russell Crowe’s mic up higher than everyone else’s???? Sasha Baron Cohen is OVER it.

M: If I could take my eyes off the screen I’d search for a gif of Ron Swanson reacting to Lil Sebastian at the Harvest Festival, because that is my face right now. Also I think that’s to get his mic farther from his voice area.

T: I don’t think this is the gif you’re looking for, but I’d like to imagine you making this Swanson face.

M: I wish I had thought to do that with my face, but I was thinking of the giddy smile/laugh when he first saw Lil S.

T: Ted. Oh Ted. He’s the only one who can pronounce Les Miserables wrong and get away with it. Also, Hugh looked confused and astonished that they won. Can Ted say “AHHgo” all the time please.

M: A tie? That’s got to be fake.

T: How do ties effect at home awards ballots?!? But really, when was the last time there was a tie at the Oscars? And is it a pre req to have long hair and an indistinguishable Scandinavian accent if you’re a sound mixer?

M: So many people vote, ties just seem really improbable. I don’t know much about sound editing, but I think that both of the male winners look like what I’d expect a sound editor to look like – middle aged Caucasian men with scraggly long blondish hair. Ohh except the second one has some kind of fancy dangly earring.

T: OH MY GOD A SOUND OF MUSIC REFERENCE. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN.

M: If Seth keeps making movie-musical refs I could be persuaded to change my feelings about him.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master

Traci’s prediction: Anne Hathaway
Molly’s prediction: Anne Hathaway. Sally Field. No… yeah. Sally Field.
Winner: Anne Hathaway

M: Anne Hathaway Ugly Cry. Damn. That settles it: Sorry, Claire Danes, Anne Hathaway is THE ultimate ugly crier, ending our Cookies + Sangria Ugly Cry Showdown… for now.

T: It’s just so unfortunate that she has to accept her first Oscar in this nip dress. It’s fucking distracting.

M: I liked when Cheno subtly complimented Hathaway on how her hair was growing out tonight. Subtext: “So… you ARE growing your hair out, right?”

T: How many times did she rehearse this speech? She memorized all those names like they were her bitch. Did she just shout out to prostitutes?? And are 1920s movie girls handing out snacks?

M: I hoped she’d say something more exciting during the speech – sometimes she says fantastic things, really, like when she shot down Matt Lauer re: her weight loss and wardrobe malfunction, quite beautifully – skip to 1:10 or so. She legit spun the prostitute thing really well. And I want a 1920s movie girl to bring me popcorn. WTF.

T: If I was at a party, I would be getting up from my seat and grabbing more guac and white wine during the President’s speech. instead, I’m at work and getting more water from the water cooler. #YouJeal

T: Ugh, J Law looks like a DREAM. From one flawless woman to another.

M: Watching Jennifer Lawrence cut to Adele just broke my self-esteem. The thing with this Skyfall song is I think we’re almost at the end of it and I still have no CLUE whether or not James Bond likes/dislikes gold.

T: Is that the LA Gay Men’s Chorus backing up Adele? Because that would be perfect. Excuse me, why is there no standing O for Adele? Is it because she didn’t sing about gold? Fuckery.

M: I hope it’s because the entire audience is just stunned into inaction.

T: Christoph Waltz sits casually with his Oscar laying in his lap. Like a fucking boss.

M: Okay, another batch of best pic nominees.

T: Oh yes, internet you have not failed me. Really hoping someone would post a gif of Sandy Bullock trying to open the envelope, and here it is.

Silver Linings Playbook:
Molly’s take: This is a movie I could watch again and again, like Titanic when I was 11. Also, nearly everyone I know who has seen this loved it, which almost never happens. Definite dark horse material.

Traci’s take: I went to the theater not really knowing what the movie was about, but didn’t care because I heard it was really good and J Law + Bradley Cooper were in it. Fortunately, the good reviews proved to be on point, because I loved it. As soon as it ended, I wanted to see it again. If Argo doesn’t take home Best Picture, this will.

Django Unchained
Molly’s take: I expected to really dislike Django Unchained but actually… I hated Django Unchained. Like Traci, Tarantino flicks are one of my pop culture blind spots, with good reason. I know the violence is supposed to be sort of winking/tongue in cheek, but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I will say that it was an excellent story and well-made film. For someone else to see.
Traci’s take: See Pop culture blind spots above: I don’t dig Django.

Amour
Molly’s take: I guess you should watch this if you are not depressed but wish you were. Listen, I already knew one smart, elderly Francophone lady who deteriorated really quickly and died slowly, and that was my grandma. Sorry, Emmanuelle Riva, you were excellent, but this was really bleak.
Traci’s take: Everytime I see the movie poster for Amour, I think it’s the old couple from Titanic. Is that not what this movie is?

T: The Harry Potter theme plays while Dan Radcliffe comes on to present, while Kristen Stewart is awkwardly hobbling on to the stage like Mad Eye Moody, confirming the fact that Harry Potter is better than Twilight. Well, everything is better than Twilight.

M: Kristen Stewart looks high and like she was just napping or doin it backstage. I half think she should just grow up and stop being awkward already and half think “you know what? You do you, Twilight.” I just realized that when Dan Radcliffe starts visibly aging, like obviously wrinkling and balding, I’m probably not going to take that well.

M: Pet peeve: when people clap during the in memorium, leading to thunderous applause for the really famous people and quiet slow-claps for less famous people. I’m wondering if they told everyone to be quiet this time, because I’m only hearing a few here and there. Ugh. Disrespectful.

T: This is my annoyance too! I might be making this up, but I think there was one year where the host or presenter, whoever asked the audience to hold their applause until the end of the montage.

M: I think you’re right. Hopefully that ended it forever. It’s like at graduations where some people get tons of applause and some people get nothing even though everyone earned the same degree, except worse.

T: Come to think of it, maybe I was thinking about graduation, and not the Oscars. I get the two confused.

M: Like the Oscars, our high school graduation was a lot of overly-long speeches, people I had never heard of getting awards, and Traci and I making snarky comments throughout (alphabetical neighbors, remember?).

T: It’s the only way I think I got through that graduation ceremony. And high school, really.

T: Is Barbra trying to make extensions work right now? Also, I can’t with this. With her.

M: Any of this. Also, I hate when people do slow, semi-rhythmic talking intros to songs with the music playing. It’s even worse when there’s a talk break in the middle of a song though. I just get embarrassed for the person. Even if that person is Barbra Streisand. GOD. She just did it. “Of course we would.”

T: There are only two types of people who do the semi-rhythmic talking intros: 1970s singing legends like Babs, and the only bass singer in R&B groups from the 1990s. And it’s still not okay.

T: They’re playing My Heart Will Go On, and it’s the one time I don’t want to slam my remote into the TV.

M: Look, Queen Latifah just came out! On to the stage. Come on, Q. Really.

T: Lady Mary was in Anna Karenina?? I should put that in my queue. Also, was Chicago that iconic of a movie that the Academy needed to celebrate its 10th anniversary? Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but, really?

M: I didn’t think Chicago was that big a thing, either. And we were teenagers into musical theater at the time, even. The score to Lincoln just sounded like the score to Little Women crossed with the score to Glory to me. I think there’s a standard 1860s songbook everyone’s working from. And I can NOT with this song with the lyrics “I don’t want to die alone… I don’t want to die alone… way before my time.” Is the title to that song “Things That Keep Me Up At Night When I Have To Wake Up Early The Next Day,” because probably. Things to also file under that title: It is 11:15 and I don’t see how this can end on time.

T: They should have brought Ted back to do a dance number with Norah Jones for this song. I. fucking. love. Adele.

M: Evidently I did a prediction for best original screenplay but not adapted. Adapted is up. I don’t know. Silver Linings Playbook? Or, actually it was Argo. That’s good too.

T: I was going to say Silver Linings too, but yeah, Argo. This guy is cute because he’s genuinely surprised and honored to get the award. WTG.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Flight
Zero Dark Thirty
Django Unchained
Amour
Moonrise Kingdom

Traci’s prediction: Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s prediction: Django Unchained
Winner: Django Unchained

T: I dislike Tarantino almost as much as I dislike Tarantino films. I mean the man said, ‘Peace out.’

M: I think my dog looks how we both feel right now:

I think she just rolled her eyes at me.

T: I will give anything to see Jane Fonda scream out “BEN AFFLECK HAHAHAHAAHA JK ”

M: YES

BEST DIRECTOR
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Traci’s prediction:Steven Spielberg
Molly’s prediction: Steven Spielberg
Winner: Ang Li

M: Didn’t expect that even a little.

T: Okay, but instead of showing David O. Russell’s face in that box, they showed Emmanuelle Riva from Amour. Also didn’t realize the movie industry loved Ang Li so much.

M: I just realized that I know nothing about Ang Li as a person but I have the same irrational feelings of goodwill toward him as I do to Jessica Chastain. Weird. I’d never really thought about him before. Someone make a gif of his wife’s face when he said they’d been married 30 years.

M: Okay, I don’t even want to see Quvenzhane’s face at ALL when she (probably) doesn’t win. That’s why it doesn’t seem fair to nominate a little kid. I reacted poorly when I got knocked out in classroom spelling bees.

T: Awww, guys remember Jean DuJardin, and how big of a deal he was??

M: I’m getting knots in my stomach about this one, I swear.

T: I might vomit from nervousness.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Traci’s prediction:Jennifer Lawrence
Molly’s prediction: Jessifer Lawtain. If I can’t do that… um… God. Jessica Chastain. I suppose.
Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

M: Is she okay?? “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell.” No NO we all love you.

T: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. I am legit tearing up. She is the only – THE ONLY – actress that can trip up the stairs and get away with it slash make fun of herself.

M: I just realized that logically I probably shouldn’t like Jennifer Lawrence? Because she’s beautiful and talented and an Oscar winner and several years younger than me, right? Fuck that. Love her.

T: It’s fine. Adele is 24.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master

Traci’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis
Molly’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis
Winner: Daniel Day Lewis

T: uh, is Meryl so big that she can just name whoever she wants to win the Oscar?

M: Meryl didn’t open an envelope because Meryl is already off-book.

T: Dan Lewis’ got JOKES, y’all.

M: DDL doesn’t laugh at award show hosts because DDL has better material than them. The lipstick kiss on his cheek is adorable/hilarious.

BEST PICTURE
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo

Traci’s prediction: Argo
Molly’s prediction: Argo
Winner: EVERYONE because Michelle Obama is presenting. Also, Argo.

T: Glad to see Jack came off of his courtside seat at the Lakers game to join us. Also, I have no idea what you’re saying.

MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE BEST DRESSED MICHELLE BOW DOWN
MICHELLE OBAMA IS THE BILL CLINTON OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS

M: I don’t care how late I just stayed up MICHELLE OBAMA you are everything I want to be. The military folks with her have GIANT ropes on their arm. Like entire spools of rope. I don’t know much about dress uniforms but I think that means they’re good.

T: Again, I haven’t even seen Argo, but I’m on the verge of crying for their win right now.

M: Anybody else getting a little misty out there? Because I sure am. And “work harder than you possibly think you can, don’t hold grudges, and it doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, what matters is that you get back up” — good advice for any career. Love you, Mr. Affleck.

T: Update: I’m crying.

T: I forgot Cheno was singing, but is anyone still at the theater? JLaw is probs scavenging for food like Katniss.