Shit Ryan Lochte Has Actually Said, Done, Or Tweeted

Editor’s Note: As of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, I freaking love Ryan Lochte. GO FIGURE.

“What Would Ryan Lochte Do” debuts this month on E!. Along with that, a Ryan Lochte interview is in the current Cosmo magazine. You know what that means: there is a whole new batch of classic Lochte-level silliness. It’s hard to believe, but until 9 months ago, most of us hadn’t even heard of America’s favorite bro-pid dude-iot, which is a portmanteau of “bro-dude” and “stupid idiot” that is so terrible that Lochte would probably approve of it.

Here are some of the gifts he’s given us in that short time, in the form of things he has actually said, done, or tweeted:

* Wore patriotic grills while being presented with an Olympic medal. To think I felt bad in ’96 when Keri Strugg had to wear her warmups on the platform. At the time he wore them, I took to Twitter to express my confusion that people thought he was attractive. I just thought that American Flag grills being unattractive were the kind of thing we could all agree on.

* Disavowed my region of upstate New York, where he apparently grew up as a small child, to the cheers and delights of thousands. Old men got out their marching band uniforms, small children attached streamers to their bikes, and we all held a parade to celebrate that Ryan Lochte is NOT our native son. I mean, practically.

* Tried to make “jeah” happen.

* In trying to make “jeah” happen, gave the following explanation: “it means, like, almost, like everything. Like, happy. Like, if you have a good swim, you say, ‘Jeah.” Like, it’s good. So, I guess it means good.” FINALLY A WAY TO SAY THAT A THING WAS GOOD, YOU GUYS, FINALLY.

* GOT JEAH TRADEMARKED. Ryan may not be a genius, but his attorney clearly is.

* Dealt with the following public comment from his mom: “He goes out on one-night stands.” Probably wasn’t embarrassed, because I think Lochte DNA is missing whatever allele deals with self-editing. I bet their family reunions get real Joe Biden-y.

* Appeared as himself on 30 Rock, because sure, why wouldn’t the universe just take all of my dreams and hand them to Ryan Lochte? He played a “sex idiot.”

* Declared “Water is practically a part of my life.” I never thought I had much in common with Ryan Lochte, but according to my new scale, water is also a part of MY life, to the tune of 59.9% of my body weight. I’m also drinking some RIGHT NOW. Oh my god. This is getting weird.

* Tweeted “God has a plain for everyone.” I’m hoping His plain for me is in one of the nicer parts of the Midwest, but if it’s in the African grasslands or something, how will I find it?

* Tweeted “Always reach for the moon cuz if u slip up u will still be a star!!”. Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong had this quote tucked into their bathroom mirrors to molify them before the moon landing. It helped a lot to know that even if their ship didn’t quite make it, they would probably turn into stars or maybe die.

* Invented a new schoolyard game, “rocks, paper, siccor.”

* Inspired a fantastic Buzzfeed compilation.

* And gave this beautiful interview, lending some much-needed giggles to these hardworking Philly newsanchors:

* Landed his own reality show on E!. In medieval times, they would herd all of the village idiots to the outskirts of town where they couldn’t do much damage, but would still provide an occasional laugh. Today, we give them reality shows on E!. It is mostly the same.


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