Do you know Sophia Grace and Rosie? Here, let me help. Sophia Grace is from Essex, England (think Jersey Shore with way cuter accents). She spent enough time with Superbass to learn all of the lyrics, make a Youtube vid, and go viral. Adults, pause for a moment of gratitude that YouTube didn’t exist when we were children, so nobody will see your choreo to “Let’s Talk About Sex.” I’ll wait.
Okay, so Sophia Grace did this thing, and Ellen DeGeneres found out about it. In my mind’s eye, Ellen has an elaborate YouTube screening room in her house solely to look out for the next hilarious vid of a child reacting to something or a kitten trying to do something and failing. That, or she analyzes clips in her studio offices, circling bits with marker like she’s a football coach studying video.
Since the Superbass video broke, Sophia’s been on the Ellen show a bunch of times because I guess in Essex you just don’t have to go to school (JK, we know she goes to school). She’s interviewed celebs on the red carpet, gone on shopping sprees, and had tea parties with her hero, Nicki Minaj.
Every step of the way, Sophia’s been accompanied by Rosie, her cute quiet cousin. With Rosie as her “hype girl” (which is a cousin who dances), Sophia Grace has just released her first original single. Of course, there’s a music video, and of course, we’ll be analyzing it. Please, retire to your YouTube screening room, pull out your patented white football coach pens, and follow along.
In case you’re new here, we’re laughing WITH the silly video more than at it, this is OTT on purpose, and we’re not serious about any of it, ok?
- First of all, I got this mixed up with “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” at first. If you’re expecting a Cyndi Lauper cover, look elsewhere. Cyndi wants to have fun, Sophia Grace must. This song is a mandate. Don’t want to have fun? Want to spend a quiet afternoon filing your bank statements and scheduling your next dentist appointment? Too bad. If you don’t think that Sophia means business, the song opens with what seems to be a gunshot sound effect. Or, as we used to say when I was a kid in the inner city, “I don’t know, maybe it’s just a car backfiring this time.”
- Holy shit, Sophia Grace is TEN. I assumed she was like 7 or so. Is she really young looking, or am I just out of touch with the youths? Probably the latter. It’s intern season downtown, and it’s all I can do to keep from staring at their dewy skin and asking if they can even remember 9/11. Were they even alive during Full House? The Clinton Administration is probably a mythical dreamworld as far as they’re concerned. I’m finding it really hard not to trace a finger longingly down their wrinkle-free eye corners.
- Title Cards: I see that Sophia Grace is credited but Rosie is not. Thought they were a double bill, but OK.
- We open on a closeup of the rims of Sophia’s pink Power Wheels jeep. HA! I gave such side-eye to the kids who owned those in my childhood. I always catagorized them as a rich kid thing, along with Lunchables and those refrigerators that had water dispensers in the door. I did, however, have one of those Flintstones-y cozy coupes that you moved by taking baby steps with your feet.
- Sophia Grace commands us, if we are listening to the radio right now, to get our tutus on. Fortunately, I am listening on my computer and am exempt. I also never had a tutu. I took Irish dance instead of ballet, so my dancing costumes were less floaty tulle and more heavy woolen frocks.
- There is so much autotune as Sophia sings “Girl’s just gotta-gotta Girl’s just gotta have fun” that it sounds like she is singing into an oscillating fan. She has a cute real voice, too!
- The roof is up on Sophia’s hot wheels vehicle, and Sophia is busting through it like a teen in a rented prom limo. Note: The car is moving, but Sophia isn’t driving. It is propelled by the power of rap. That, or poor Rosie is manning the gas and breaks.
- Macklemore’s Thrift Shop is probably the hip-hop tune most relevant to my experience, even though I prefer to listen to the harder stuff. I don’t drink Cristal and the only Molly I’m high on is… um, myself… but shopping for discount duds? That, I can relate to. Sophia would like to buy some jeans at the mall. Mhm. I get that, Sophia.
- Trivia: In England, you have to drive your hotwheels car on the left side of the road.
- Now I’m really curious as to what side Sophia’s steering wheel is on. Not that she’s driving.
- Sophia is transported to a really nice bedroom, where she displays outfits to Rosie. Rosie expresses her approval or displeasure with exaggerated thumbs up and facial expressions. Do they let her talk ever?
- New theory: Rosie is a wise child and knows that if she opens her mouth to speak, there will be that much more fodder for embarrassment when she grows up. Maybe she has a Well-Adjusted Former Child Star shaman guiding her.
- I think the bedroom may be the same set used in Rebecca Black’s Friday.
- It’s hard to understand the lyrics. Honestl: Essex accents are hard to understand. Rap is hard to understand. Children are hard to understand, because their new-fangled slang is confusing (what is twerking? Have I ever done it by accident maybe?). The combination of the three? Little Sophia may as well be rapping the Gettysburg Address or the lunch menu at a hospital cafeteria.
- Sophia Grace and Rosie end up at some kind of a party filled with small children. Maybe it’s because I know a lot of kids, but this would not be as fun as she’s trying to make it look. In real life, one girl would be tattling that another was looking at her funny. Another would be whining that she had to go to the bathroom, as her mother admonished that she should have gone before they left. A third girl would puke everywhere without warning, because kids never know when they are or are not about to vomit. Trust me. In fifth grade, I puked in Natural Surroundings, a mall store that sold things like sand-filled stuffed frogs and that experiment where you turn two soda bottles into a hurricane. Came out of NOWHERE. The whole store was supposed to look like a tropical rain forest, though, and never has a stomach virus made me feel so ~connected to the earth.
- A teenaged DJ is wearing an MTV shirt, because MTV playing music is a retro throwback reference now.
- Sophia threateningly announces that she is dancing with her girls, but “you might getcha turn.”
- Sophia is suddenly outside, as three children dance behind her. In my day, dance breaks would be synchronized. Remember Britney Spears “Sometimes?” These kids just do whatever-the-heck they want, because they were born in this millennium and have no regard for structure. It’s like some free-range Waldorf School choreography shit here. For all I know, they might have twerked. (Youths: don’t worry. We know what twerking is. We’re JK this whole time)
- The kids eat cupcakes at tables. Finally, an image that looks like my childhood. But let’s stop a minute, here. Reality check: a few kids would get so sugar-high that they’d misbehave and have to be taken home by their parents. One would have allergies and have to sit at a special table eating a way-less-good dessert that wasn’t manufactured in a plant that processes peanuts. Another would get yelled at by his mom because you KNOW you’re not supposed to have gluten, Brayden! Two sisters would fight because Kyleigh took the last Funfetti cupcake. And easily three kids would spill punch on themselves then cry about it. Ahh, the carefree days of childhood. Anyway, looks cute and fun here!
- The “male lead” of the video is a floppy-haired third-grader who doesn’t really do anything. His haircut is the modern equivalent of the 1990s Cute Boy Haircut – that center-parted mushroom cut Rider Strong had.
- The backup dancer with the red shirt and has really cute leggings on. Note: I’ve found that non-garish girl’s clothes get harder to find once kids have decided they want to shop at Justice, a little girls’ clothing store where you can buy clothes to dress your daughter like the heiress to a Lisa Frank fortune. So much neon.
- Male Lead throws food at Sophia then cowers under the table. Be a real man. Own that food fight.
- Somehow, Sophia has found my mother’s 1965 Candy Striper pinafore. Adorbs.
- RAP BREAK GUYS. TL;DR: She’s having a party, we’re all invited!
- Ok, Now. NOW is when we all have to put our tutus on, radio listeners or not. Sophia doesn’t kid around and I suggest we all obey.
- Haters are going to “chit chit chatter.” I’m afraid that that would be me. Come at me, Sophia. Or rather, don’t. I’ve watched enough episodes of The Only Way Is Essex to know that’s a bad idea.
- Sophia smashes a dish of whipped cream into Male Lead’s face. Since when is this vaudeville?
- More rap lyrics I can relate to: “sippin’ on my milkshake/strawberries and cream”. This reminds me of my favorite Kidz Bop lyric change, in California Gurls. They change “sippin’ on — gin and juice” to “sippin — on my juice” and for some reason, the really deliberate pause in there, along with the mental image of Katy Perry trying to look badass with a juice box, just kills me.
- Shallow: Sophia Grace and Rosie both have really nice hair. It’s probably time to mention that if I think anything is ridiculous in this video — well, everything is ridiculous in this video — but it’s because adults who should know better produced it. Not S.G. and Rosie’s fault. They’re cute & talented.
- Sophia raises her arms at the end to a loud bang sound effect. Did she just kill us all? Like, a Carrie/Matilda telekinesis thing? Is this because some of you didn’t put your tutus on? Maybe all of this was a dream taking place in Silent Rosie’s head.
So, that’s a video that happened. It’s obviously not good, but it’s no Friday and probably won’t go viral based solely on how awful it is. However, it will probably stay alive somewhere on the internet long enough for Male Lead’s prom date to see it and mock him. Kids, you can have your Power Wheels and your twerks, grown-ups have the gift of experiencing a childhood of internet anonymity. Advantage: Adults.