Well, here we are again: the not-very-long-awaited 40th People’s Choice Awards air tonight. The People’s Choice Awards are a true realization of democracy in action. Of course, as with scandalous elected officials, roughly 50% of American Idol’s seasons, and my eight grade class’s May Queen court, the People’s Choice Awards prove that given the right to vote, a plurality of the people will make terrible choices. Still, once every January, we let “The People” choose the best films, television shows, and actors for the previous year. As these results from 2013 and the nominees from 2014 show, the people cannot be trusted.
In 2013, it wasn’t just the winners that were ridiculous – it was the categories. People actually voted on the following categories:
“Face of Heroism” and “Action Movie Star” are the female and male versions of the same category. It would be a lot less confusing if it was just Favorite Action Movie Actor and Favorite Action Movie Actress, or Favorite Movie Hero and Favorite Movie Heroine. There’s some serious McDonald’s Happy Meal Barbie/ HotWheels stuff going on here, what with “face” vs “action,” but I’m frankly not interested enough in The People’s Choice Awards to think about it.
Favorite Celebrity Judge
The very fact that there are five separate celebrity judges that could even be in contention for this title tells me that there are too many celebrity judges.
Favorite TV Fan Following
What does this even mean? Think about it: you’re already supposed to vote for your favorite show in other categories, thus declaring yourself part of the “fan following.” Isn’t this redundant? Or are some people super into, say, Glee, but they’re really more fans of the fans of Supernatural? I’m overthinking.
Favorite Music Fan Following
As with the TV Fan Following, this makes absolutely no sense to me. Also, Katy Perry’s fans are called KatyCats.
Favorite Cable TV Comedy/Drama and Favorite Premium Cable Comedy/Drama
Actually, this is a smart idea. It really separates the Melissa and Joeys from the Homelands. Yes, Melissa and Joey was nominated.
The People’s favorite humanitarian is Sandra Bullock. I’m guessing that at least 25% of The People thought that “humanitarian” was a fancy way to say “human.” [Note: This isn’t to take away from Bullock’s charitable work, which is really fantastic.]
And, even the logical categories had some crazy winners:
Favorite Comedic Movie Actor and Actress: Winners: Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston
Are we sure Adam Sandler was even in a movie that year? Was it the one where he plays a woman? This whole category is a list of guys your dad would come up with if asked to name “guys who are in funny movies.” I was on board with Aniston until I realized that for this nomination year, all she was in was Wanderlust. We’re The Millers was funny, but didn’t come out til this past year. So people totally just voted for her because Rachel was their favorite Friend, right?
I did like this movie and book, but are “the People,” collectively, 17 years old? Because I’m pretty sure this was no Argo (even though Hermione Granger did a very nice job of sounding American, and it was fun to see Amber Holt in the early 90s).
Favorite On-Screen Chemistry: Winner: Jennifer/ Josh/ Liam: The Hunger Games
First of all – this whole category is absurd, right? Second, this is patently unfair because Hunger Games was the only three-person set nominated. By all rights, they should have 33.33% more chemistry than the others. Although, in defense of “the People,” Peeta and Gale really do sizzle onscreen.
With these winners and nominees in mind, here are some of the wackier choices the People will be making tonight:
Favorite Action Movie Star
- Brad Pitt
- Channing Tatum
- Hugh Jackman
- Robert Downey Jr.
- Vin Diesel
Conspicuously absent? The weird “face of heroism” category. I assume that the Action Movie Star category is now more of a free-for-all (of people who were in movies that looked boring to me). So, that’s … good? I guess?
Favorite TV Bromance
- Blaine & Sam – Glee
- Ryan & Esposito – Castle
- Sam, Dean & Castiel – Supernatural
- Sheldon, Leonard, Howard & Raj – The Big Bang Theory
- Ted, Marshall & Barney – How I Met Your Mother
Oh, no. This means that “bromance” is a legitimate word now, doesn’t it? Or maybe, just maybe, the People’s Choice Awards are so uncool that this means that “bromance” has peaked? Please, Lord, let it be so. By the way, I didn’t realize how long it had been since I’d seen Glee, but I have no clue who Sam is.
Favorite TV Gal Pals
- Caroline & Max – 2 Broke Girls
- Lily & Robin – How I Met Your Mother
- Meredith & Cristina – Grey’s Anatomy
- Penny, Bernadette & Amy – The Big Bang Theory
- Rachel & Santana – Glee
I feel like the people who say “gal pals” are the same people who refer to their platonic female friends as their “girlfriend,” leading to awkwardly vague conversations because I’m like “so… are you dating, or…?”
Another sign I haven’t seen Glee for a while: I almost wrote that I have no clue who Rachel is, but wait. Yes I do. She’s pretty much the main person.
Favorite Daytime TV Host(s)
- Ellen DeGeneres
- Kelly Ripa & Michael Strahan
- Dr. Phil McGraw
- Rachael Ray
- Steve Harvey
So. We live in a world where Dr. Phil is someone’s favorite, eh? I mean other than that wife who always walks him off stage and into whatever weird talk show purgatory they must keep him in between tapings.
Favorite Streaming Series
- Arrested Development
- Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis
- House of Cards
- Losing It with John Stamos
- Orange Is the New Black
Actually, this is one where the People’s Choice Awards is ahead of things. Good category. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though: they still haven’t redeemed themselves after “bromance.”
Favorite Country Music Icon
- Alan Jackson
- George Strait
- Tim McGraw
- Toby Keith
- Willie Nelson
This is a category apart from “Favorite Country Artist,” and more or less means “favorite white guy,” or possibly “favorite old dude with a cowboy hat and big belt.” All I want is for Willie Nelson to win and accept the award while ridiculously baked. I don’t know how else he’d get through this ceremony.
Favorite Alternative Band
- Fall Out Boy
- Imagine Dragons
- Mumford & Sons
Wait, so “alternative music” exists outside of 1997? I was expecting this list to be populated with the ilk of Soundgarden and Jane’s Addiction.