On Sunday night, the world made a broad leap for marriage equality. Dozens of mixed- and same-sex couples were married by Queen Latifah at the Grammy Awards as Mackelmore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert sang “Same Love.” Madonna, dressed as a cane-wielding old oil baron from a more fabulous version of 1930s Texas, even warbled one of her classics. If the American public didn’t know it before, they do now — gay couples can be just as tacky as straight couples. Suck it, haters!
Of course, for every person bemoaning televised weddings as super-cheezy, there’s another who thinks they’re, I guess, romantic and beautiful or something. The only way to settle this is through a point-counterpoint.
Point: Weddings should be about you, your spouse, and your loved ones — not you, your spouse, and the American Public.
By getting married in front of a live television audience, you aren’t saying “I love this other person so much!” You’re saying “Look at how I love this other person so much!” It’s a fine distinction, but it’s a distinction.
Counterpoint: Weddings are about publicly declaring your love and commitment. What’s more public than TV?
I’m sorry… were you insulting TV? I know you weren’t insulting TV. Most of us spend more time with TV than we do with our friends and family. Why wouldn’t we invite TV to our weddings? TV should be at the head-freaking-table, if you ask me. TV should be the priest. TV should be the groom.
Point: TV weddings are super tacky. Do you really want to explain to your grandchildren that you got married live on the Montel Williams Show?
So, you got married in a camo dress. And you can’t even lie about it in 50 years, like my grandma did about being 5 months pregnant when she got married, because everyone can just look it up. Good work.
[In case you’re wondering, it all came to a head when my grandma, in a state of light dementia, really strongly opposed the 50th wedding anniversary dinner we were throwing them. Turns out, it was actually their 49th anniversary.]
Counterpoint: Will & Kate, and Charles & Diana before them, got married on live tv. They’re not tacky.
Viewers worldwide didn’t wake up or go to sleep at weird times to watch these weddings because they were tacky. They did it because they wanted to see what dress the bride wore (Will and Kate) or if Camilla would stand up and shout out an objection (Charles and Diana). You know, normal stuff.
Point: Yes, but the royals had the same wedding they would have if the cameras weren’t there. They weren’t mass-married by the woman from Living Single, who didn’t even sing U.N.I.T.Y.
So, my friends and I watched this video before the Grammys, and can I just say what a shame it is that Latifah can do this but chose not to? I miss when rap used to sound like this, and if I could get Latifah at my wedding, damn straight she’d be laying down some early 90s beats.
Counterpoint: TV weddings allow people to have features that they never would have been able to afford themselves, like a Badgley Mischca gown (Trista, of The Bachelor) or the woman from Living Single as the officiant.
These super-cute in-love people don’t look too unhappy with how this wedding thing is playing out – and other people seemed to love it too. Did you see the crowd shots? The only time I’ve seen celebrities look so giddy is when they’re pretending to be happy for somebody who won an award.
Point: By providing your own wedding budget, you also get to call the shots (read: you don’t have to worry that a frail Madonna will keel over while singing a song from the year of your birth)
What if you love Madonna, but you’re really more into Like A Prayer? Tough luck. A lot of money goes into these tv weddings, but as a wise man once said, mo money mo problems.
Counterpoint: At least on TV weddings you don’t have to audition wedding bands or yield to requests for The Chicken Dance.
The whole televised aspect of the wedding gives couples an easy out when their families want them to do tacky stuff. Oh, sorry mom, ABC won’t let us do the dollar dance. I can’t do the garter thing because we have to take a commercial break then. Do you know how much it costs to license the Electric Slide?
From what we’re told (yet really do not need to know), Bachelor Sean’s wedding night was his first time. The ever-classy folks at ABC chose to highlight that by training a live cam on the Honeymoon Suite before the wedding. I can only guess that they kept it on until 2-4 minutes after the wedding, at which point there was nothing more to see there.