This week, Lindsay Dee Lohan turned 28 (yeah, we couldn’t believe it either) and we celebrated by naming a few of her former co-stars who probably deserved better than “Lindsay Lohan.”
We’ve watched LiLo grow up in front of our very eyes – from The Parent Trap to acquiring an annoying celebrity nickname to befriending Oprah, Lindsay’s roots as a child star have putting her in the precarious position of being scrutinized in the public eye while still attempting to have a professional career. And while her heyday came between the late 90s and early 00s, Linds has still been in a number of films and TV cameos in her nearly 20 year career in the business, and many with exceptional co-stars. But let’s be real, how many of these outstanding co-stars deserved better than Lindsay Lohan? Hint: almost all of them. But in honor of Lindsay’s 28th birthday, here’s a definitive list of which of her former castmates deserved way better than a (in some cases, future) drug and alcohol addled LiLo to share the screen with.
5) A Pre-Drugs Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap
The frustrating thing about Lindsay’s long, horrible demise is that at one time, she was really good. So how lucky were the people who got to work with Lindsay before all the troubles? Among those lucky people: Lindsay herself, really Orphan Black-ing it as Hallie and Annie in her film debut.
4) Meryl Streep in A Prairie Home Companion
Before Lindsay was accidentally calling out Jennifer Lawrence for saying “I beat Meryl!” at the Golden Globes, Lohan was costarring with Streep herself! But make no mistake: A Prairie Home Companion was still boring. Or, I mean, we thought so when we were 18 anyway.
3) Tina Fey in Mean Girls/SNL
Look, if you can’t build a viable career after Tina Fey wrote your breakout role, I don’t think anyone can help you. And don’t say that Tina didn’t try. Around the era we were all first realizing Lindsay wasn’t doing so great, Tina Fey and the other SNL folks even staged an intervention for her. Remember that show Intervention? If they’d had Tina Fey as the coach instead of that random guy they did have, they probably would have had a 99% success rate.
2) Amy Poehler in Mean Girls/SNL
Again, if having Amy Poehler as a potential mentor cannot help you rise above, I am not sure what can. I mean, Ask Amy videos alone are responsible for thousands of women Lindsay’s age (I mean… teen girls, who are the target audience, right?) getting their shit together.
1) Herbie in Herbie: Fully Loaded
She isn’t great with cars, guys.
Herbie is an icon. He deserved better.
We all did.
If you were paying attention, you may have noticed that none of Lindsay’s co-stars from the Lifetime classic Liz and Dick were on the list – probs because there was no one worth mentioning in the movie. Or that the movie wasn’t even worth mentioning at all…
7:32 I’m still rooting for Lindsay Lohan. Casually, I mean — the way I still want my high school’s football team to win, but don’t want it-want it, because that would be sad.
The reason I’m casually rooting for Lindsay Lohan is that, if you asked me 10 years ago where I thought she’d be at 26, I would have pictured something better. Not an Oscar winner, but possibly a recent People’s Choice nominee. I thought she could play a pretty lady who falls in love, but also falls down in front of attractive men a lot, and has a quirky friend or a sister with kids. Maybe both!
But here we are instead, on Lifetime. I only read one review of this movie, a NYT piece that was only slightly less scathing than this review I read several years ago that was entitled “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium is Really, Really Bad.”
Please prove them wrong, Lindsay. I care, a little.
8:01 Did the movie start yet? I couldn’t find my remote (it was under my butt.)
8:03 It’s still not on. Lifetime couldn’t fill two hours, minus 45-ish minutes of commercials? This doesn’t bode well.
8:05 This is supposed to take place in yesteryear, but everyone’s clothes look too modern…
8:05 This is not Liz and Dick. Liz and Dick starts at 9. Changing to The Best of Jimmy Fallon on VH1.
8:05-9:00 JIMMY FALLON. Am I right?
9:00 Lindsay looks pretty in the title sequence! I get kind of bummed when people say she’s looking old, because I’m a fellow ginger and realize that only a year or two of hard living stand between my face and Lindsay’s, which looks like broken dreams. By my mid-30s, I honestly expect to have a face that looks like it’s held together with scotch tape and hope.9:02 Ouch. This VoiceOver IS really, really bad.
9:03 All black outfits? Directors’ chairs? What even is happening? And where is James Lipton? He should be here.
9:07 First “violet eyes” reference. Fake Richard Burton just said “white hot bosom” with far less irony than I’d like.
9:08 LiLo is really splitting the difference between her Hallie Parker accent and her Annie James accent here.
9:11 Ugh, Caesar haircuts. The last time I found a man with a Caesar haircut attractive was when Joshua Jackson played Pacey Whitter. I can’t be blamed. I was so young then.
9:15 I tweeted one of my live blog observations, and immediately regretted it. What if Lohan sees it? She’s still just a human, with a twitter account and feelings. A bunch of feelings, I reckon. If she sees it, and insults me back, I just know it would be both accurate and scathing.
9:21 Lily Allen is singing? Distracting.
9:21 It was a Client List commercial. I, um, haven’t been paying much attention to this tele-film.
9:22 Liz and Dick are bathing in a tub that looks like a huge sink. It’s like they’re enormous babies.
9:24 I always feel confused when people named Elizabeth just go by Elizabeth. There are so many nickname possibilities! I’m just jealous because my parents gave me an Irish scullery maid nickname rather than a proper name.
9:28 I bet if Liz Taylor were alive, she’d be real diplomatic about this disaster. What does she care? She has violet eyes and invented White Diamonds, which smells like a really nice-smelling mom or teacher.
9:30 Commercial for other Lifetime movies. All I know is, I’m going to watch the shit out of An Amish Murder, if I remember to.
9:38 Liz is truly an almost Dina Lohan-quality mother in this scene.
9:40 My favorite part so far was those 55 minutes when I watched Jimmy Fallon while waiting for this to start.
9:49 What’s going on? I’ve been reading the Internet and forgot to pay attention.
Sometime after 9:49 but well before the end of the movie I fell asleep by accident. I tried, sort of.