WTF Moments From Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

I’m not too good for pop music. I’m not too good for former Disney teens trying to strike out as adults. God knows, I’m not too good for NBC programming. But after watching two hours of Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour on NBC, I’m also feeling like I’m maybe just … not too good, you know? Here are just some of the times I said “WTF” while watching.

  • Everything in me wants to not write Bangerz with a Z. It sounds like a Nerf toy, right? Or a headband with attached bangs that you could buy at Claire’s or The Icing.
  • As is the rule during behind-the-scenes concert footage, we are treated to Miley leading a prayer circle. I preferred the Demi Lovato prayer circle, but whatever. Miley says that she wants people to feel “safe” at her concert and she feels like a “leader”
  • To highlight Miley’s attention to “safety” and “leadership,” a giant version of her head with googly eyes appear on stage and gigantic Frisbees fly out of her mouth.
  • Miley wears a sparkly gingham bikini-outfit with what appears to be a muppet pelt about her shoulders. It’s like Dorothy Gale, as imagined by someone on molly.
  • Miles says “c’mon Ashley!” Is there even an Ashley, or is this like those new Coke cans where she just interjects a random name so that people named Ashley can ~relate. As someone whose name never appeared on those tacky license plates, I don’t even think this is a bad approach.
  • Currently visible in one shot: Miley in her Bad Dorothy dress, Ren and Stimpy style animation, a little person, and a drag queen.
  • Line dancing furries. Gingham animations. Lyrics about red bull and “pit bulls in heat.” Dammit, NBC. I have defended you so many times. So many times.
  • At what point did all singing become talk-singing? I blame Ke$ha or that one baritone that every 90s male R&B group had who would start songs off by saying “Girl.. you know I love you… but tonight…I’m going to prove my love to you”
  • By the way, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE RED BULL. Yeah, I watched Jack Hanna as a kid.
  • By posting gross pictures, Miley is “inspiring for other kids” because they’re “seeing beauty in a different way.” Literally, Miley says that children are redefining beauty because she instagrams herself with “Bubba teeth”. Well, her parents did give Miley her original name because her “destiny was to bring hope,” after all.

 

  •  I think Miley says her brother’s name is “Brace” or something stupid like that.
  • Miley sings with kid sister Noah backing her up, and she sounds great! I know Miley has a legacy here (her DESTINY is to bring HOPE, it bears repeating), but seriously, country music is her niche. She’s really doing Godmama Dolly (Parton) proud here. This was a good WTF, y’all.
  • This sweet image is offset by Miley singing a song with no melody or necessarily lyrics while wearing a money-print jacket.

It looks like a first-year at FIT was really trying something. Most of the words she sings are “money” and “party.”

  • There is an uncanny man with a giant head and a regular body dancing behind her. It’s like a combination of one of the floats at Las Fallas and everything I never knew I hated.

  • The Las Fallas man drives her vehicle into a pyramid. I think this is where I’m supposed to say illuminati.
  • Miley Scrooge McDucks through a pile of money and for a moment, all I want in the world is to be her.

  • The living Muppet survivor of Miley’s Jim Henson Workshop Stole – or one of those weird dancing things from outside of a used car dealership –  dances behind Miley. She sings a song that is surprisingly sassy for something written by a Canadian (judging by  the “zed”).
  • Miley’s dancers and singers really love her! One man says she “wasn’t bred to do this, she was BORN to do this” and I’m not sure if I can even parse out what the difference is. Surely if anyone was bred to create mass-scale, sometimes-country entertainment of questionable tact, it’s Billy “Achy Breaky Heart” Cyrus’s kid.
  • Miley is using an electric toothbrush. Maybe I should get an electric toothbrush.

 

  • I left to go hang out with a baby, and when I came back Miley was singing “I can’t be tamed” while dressed like a sexy skunk. She is presided over by a giant statue of what appears to be a Siberian Husky God. In three million years, THIS is the artifact from our culture they’ll dig up and try to explain.
  • Miley talks about when “Floyd” died and whomever Floyd is, he’s not a one-word household name. Read: I have no clue who he is.
  • I googled. It’s her dog. I won’t even make a joke, because when I even THINK about my dog dying I start to cry. Also she might have mentioned who Floyd was earlier, but as I said, I was hanging out with a baby.

 

  • We’re still singing about Floyd. Miley says she needs us all to make out because the song is called “Adore You.” I’m not sorry, I have to do this with caps: MILEY CYRUS JUST ASKED US ALL TO MAKE OUT IN HONOR OF HER DEAD DOG.
  • If I were to ask people to do anything in honor of my dog’s memory it would have to be something she loved, like drinking toilet water or pooping outside in front of attractive men.
  • Miley says that the kiss cam is “really important” because it makes people they realize they’re “not going to be judged” and they’re “safe here.” Miley Cyrus: FINALLY making it okay to kiss. It’s been so taboo for so, so long.
  • Miley, wearing a black sparkly unitard, wails Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds – mostly into the face of her guitarist, who is wearing a Hanes undershirt and a flannel. So uncomfy. It feels like those weddings where the bride is in a ball gown and the guests are in ball caps.

  •  Miley is wearing that highlighter makeup like the Kardashians. So, you just draw white lines on the parts of your face you want people to look at, right?
  • Also she’s wearing a heavily sparkled plaid button-up because she’s REAL y’all.
  • I mean, if you asked someone from 1993 to imagine Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter, a pop star from 20 years in the future, this is what they’d envision.

  • Miley says something about how she’s become herself as an artist, but also always was herself, but also forgot to bring a brush on tour so is using a loofah … yeah, I couldn’t quite follow it
  • Then she sings Hey Ya. But, Hey Ya as if it were originally performed by a Come To My Window-era Melissa Etheridge.
  • I don’t hate it.
  • Jolene is Miley’s JAM. And frankly mine too. I love Dolly Parton and I don’t care who knows it. Miles ad-libs “Jolene, you little slut!” because she is, after all, just being Miley.

 

  • Miley says that her closet is alphabetized. No thank you. Skirts, shirts, sweaters, slacks, smocks, shorts, s’leggings … aren’t clothes basically just brought to you by the letter S?
  • Then she explains how she used to be the Gretchen Weiners of her group in fifth grade.
  • You know what Miley’s furries remind me of? That show Gummy Bears. Man, that cartoon always made me hungry.
  • Miley has changed into a Big Bird pelt now. She is wearing either a Statue Of Liberty crown or a Lisa Simpson headpiece.
  • There’s a giant hotdog and a human dressed as mustard. “Thank you, Mr. Mustard!,” Miley shouts. Always so polite, that girl.
  • Miley rides the hot dog. That’s going to do some weird stuff to our Google hits for a few days. By 1 hr 40 mins in, I’m so used to this that I just start planning my outfit for tomorrow. Skirt or Shcapris?

 

  •  Miley finally sings We Can’t Stop. Hey, ladies named Molly. Remember how people used to just sing Good Golly Miss Molly, or maybe Molly Malone at us? And now our name gets bleeped in Miley Cyrus songs? Actually, unlike the MTV censors, the NBC folks let it go through.
  • Miley makes her little person friend dress like David The Gnome. She makes her average-height friends dress like hands holding up lighters.

  • Here’s the truth: I’ve spent the past two hours hoping, wishing, and frankly sort of worrying about whether Miley would sing Party In The U.S.A. The moment is finally here.
  • Her friend who is a little person is dressed as the Liberty Bell, and her twin friends are dressed as Mount Rushmore.

    New York’s hottest nightclub is Bangerz. It has everything!

  • About 50% of Party In The U.S.A. is talk-singed. This moment is the WTF-est of them all. What has Ke$ha wrought upon us?
  • Miley pops her joke-shop hillbilly teeth into her mouth, and for a moment she’s not Miley nor Destiny Hope: she’s straight-up Hannah Montana.
  • New fantasy scenario: Miley is very staid and boring, and this molly-loving furry-dancing human mascot-having thing is just her alter-ego.

Note: WTF-ery aside, I ended the two hours finding Miley more delightful than ever. Concern troll all you want, the girl seems like fun.

 

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6 thoughts on “WTF Moments From Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz Tour

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