Camp Cookies + Sangria: Fake Letters From Real (Weird) Summer Camps

When I was a kid, letters to home were a big part of my summer camp dream. It seemed so quaint – like I would be an old-timey soldier or a traveler with one of those brown suitcases that’s covered in stickers. Okay, maybe you’re not a very cool kid if the fun part of summer camp is the writing exercises.

Last week, we brought you a list of weird summer camps that real parents actually send their children to. Because Camp Cookies + Sangria is all about wish fulfillment, today I’m living out my childhood dream and creating some letters for kids from these camps to send home. Hop on over to the other post if you’ve forgotten the insanity. Then just fill in the blanks, send to your parents, and get back to your adventures!


High Explosives Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

Explosives camp is the bomb! That is a joke that all of the cool kids at explosives camp like to make.

We get to stay in tents for the rest of camp! Also there are no cabins anymore.

I think my bunkmate forged parts of his moral character application.

Please send burn salve.



P.S.: Please don’t worry if my face doesn’t look all-the-way the same when I get home.

Ninja Camp


Dear Mom and Dad,

[sneaky silence]

[more silence]

[KARATE CHOP! Knives!]



Fantasy Battle Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

I had to go to a second confession today because I keep calling my roommate a hobbit.

I make my confirmation at the end of camp! Waiting for approval to use Gollum as my confirmation name.

I have to go get ready for my jousting tourney before Second Dinner.



P.S. Does the Lead Gandalf wizard robe guy know that I’m Jewish, or…

Plantation Farm Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

Remember how, in history, if a person was told that they were going to one place, but ended up at a plantation doing work instead, it usually wasn’t awesome?

Not cool, guys. This is obviously not fashion camp.

Oh, and thanks for the care package, but everything got confiscated because none of it was organic.

I did start taking care of a really cool goat, though! I haven’t seen it yet today.

For lunch today, we are having pizza.

For dinner, we’re having goat.

I hate you,



Zombie Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know my theater professors told me that any job can lead to great things, but maybe playing the undead at zombie camp isn’t the right role for me.

It’s hard to immerse myself in lurching technique and grunting when I’m reacting so badly to the zombie makeup. I have a weird rash on literally everything.

They make us eat “brains” at the mess hall, and I’m not sure what it is, but I’m not ready to say that it’s NOT brains. The bug juice also might be bug juice.

Close-range nerf guns really do hurt.



P.S.: I’ve been thinking about that talk we had about having “something to fall back on” if acting doesn’t work out.

Equestrian Teen Tour Of Russia

Dear Mom and Dad,

So it turns out that Russia is not the best place for an equestrian teen. Or, like, a person in general. I can’t wait to cantor back to the United States! Next year please remember that my first preference was the Equestrian Teen Tour of France, and my second preference was getting a summer job like a normal freaking teenager.

Been getting really into the Romanovs.



3 thoughts on “Camp Cookies + Sangria: Fake Letters From Real (Weird) Summer Camps

  1. Pingback: Saturday Spotlight: Making It Weird | cookies + sangria

  2. Pingback: Camp Cookies + Sangria: This One Time, At College Camp | cookies + sangria

  3. Pingback: Every Generation Gets The April O’Neil It Deserves | cookies + sangria

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