ICYMI: Two Lies & a Truth with Ben Affleck

Ever since Ben started dating Gwyneth Paltrow, he’s been at the center of the tabloids. And recently, there were new rumors that Jennifer Garner is preggo with their fourth child, which she has denied (and previously stated that she’s done having kids). Whether she’s telling the truth or not, here are some things about her hubby that we’re more willing to believe than Jen with child.

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Ben Affleck

Well, friends, we’ve cycled back into that biennial rumor that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are having another baby. Frankly, I just don’t know why this is a concern. Is it because people are worried about overpopulation? Because it’s not like the world is overpopulated with charming, well-dressed children who are genetically suited to star in romantic comedies and movies where they avenge the deaths of their blue-collar family members. If there even is a quota on that, we haven’t hit it.

The worst thing about these rumors is they usually say that Affleck is a massive jerk, and Garner is having another kid to “hold onto him.” I have a very specific, mostly baseless mental concept of Ben Affleck, and that just doesn’t fit with it. My Mental Ben Affleck could best be described as a “classy Masshole.” He has a heart of gold, or maybe the outside is gold and the inside is some kind of craft beer.

There are some fictional facts I’m willing to believe about Ben Affleck, but they’re more like this:

  • Ben Affleck’s first swear as a child was “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!”
  • All of Ben Affleck’s high school girl friends had names that ended in “een”: Maureen, Colleen, Eileen, etc.
  •  The city of Boston has issued Ben Affleck a platinum Charlie Card.

On the regular CharlieCard, Ben Affleck is also the artist’s model for the guy in the ball cap blocking the door.

  • Ben Affleck lost his virginity at Fenway (it was closed), at whichever age you, personally, consider neither too young nor too old.
  • Every year, Ben Affleck makes a “Good Will Hunting” pun at his annual hunting weekend with the boys. Nobody thinks it’s funny, ever.
  • Whenever you see Ben Affleck carrying a Starbucks cup, don’t be fooled: it’s actually Dunkin’ Donuts inside.
  • Ben Affleck’s confirmation name is Matt. Matt Damon’s confirmation name is Ben. (Imaginary Ben Affleck is Catholic, although Real Ben Affleck is, evidently, not).
  • When they’re making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow, the Garner-Afflecks use an affected British accent. Violet’s is particularly good.
  • Ben Affleck is constantly scheming to become best bros with Bradley Cooper.

    Can you blame the man?

Pop quiz: Ben Affleck is fluent in Spanish – Si o another thing I’m willing to believe about him but is actually false? If you picked, ‘Si’, you win! Ben spent a summer in Mexico and can speak espanol list a lot of Los Angeles. Here are some other actors who can speak more than one languge – including his ex Gwyneth and future BFF Bradley Cooper.

Bilingual Actors Who Don’t Need Rosetta Stone

I recently came across this gem on Tumblr, in which RDJ & Gwyneth Paltrow are at a press conference for Iron Man 3 in France, and Pepper Potts was a show off and answered all the questions in French.

Turns out Gwyneth spent a summer in Paris, which explains her flunecy.

And she also speaks Spanish, since she also spent a lot of time in Toledo, Spain as a teen. Unfortunately she’s doing an interview about Contagion – the worst movie I will never see – so it’s probably good that I can only understand about 75% of this.

Speaking of Spanish and Gwyneth, her former boyfriend Ben Affleck also speaks Spanish, since both he and his bro Casey spent time in Mexico as teens. Also, re this vid: Ben Affleck + The Town + Ben talking about Juan Hamm being handsome = Traci needing an inhaler

And more hot guys speaking languages I don’t understand:

Bradley Cooper speaking French **SWOOON** He’s so friggin good. And all I know is that he mentions Leonardo DiCaprio, but says his name in a very French accent.

A young Joseph Gordon-Levitt also speaking French and channelling his bud Heath Ledger

We know Colin Firth can put together a sentence in Portugese per Love Actually, but IRL, he’s much better at Italian.

The daughter of a German opera singer, Sandra Bullock lived in Deutschland for most of her childhood. I really hope she’s teaching little Louie German too. I mean, how cute would that be?

Natalie Portman is known for staying strong with her Jewish roots, so naturally, Hebrew is among one of her many talents.

Ugh. Charlize Theron is not only gorgeous but she speaks Afrikaans, her native language from South Africa. Whatever. I used to be able to speak Pig Latin and that made up language from Zoom.

Mila Kunis moved to West Hollywood from Ukraine with her family, and still speaks fluent Russian. My favorite part of this interview is watching Justin Timberlake clearly have no idea what she’s saying.


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