Wow, what a bummer summer that was. It was a three-month crap festival: Ebola and Ferguson and Robin Williams and ISIS and Joan Rivers and shootings and Supreme Court and Beyonce/Jay-Z breakup rumors and bad movies and sort of cruddy weather. But summer’s over now, and not a moment too soon. Not only can you buy any food or beverage infused with pumpkin spice, and start wearing sweaters, and go from 8am to 3 pm without having to see a single child between the ages of 5 and 18, even the news is better! The positivity pepping up your CNN homepage? Duchess Catherine of Cambridge is pregnant! Summer’s over, fall is here, and I’m so sick of bad news that I’ve decided that the new royal baby is magic.
The new royal baby is going to fix this whole Scotland thing.
Next week Scotland will vote on its independence, and I’m not saying that this royal baby announcement is England’s Hail Mary pass to keep Scotland in the Empire, but I’m also not not saying that. You know how sometimes a couple will have a baby trying to fix a failing marriage? Well, what better way to fix a possibly failing national union? How could Scotland possibly vote to leave when there will be a new royal baby to take care of in fewer than nine months? Makes no sense. This royal baby is going to result in literally trillions of galleons staying in the United Kingdom, keeping the international economy stable for generations to come.
It is galleons, right?
Prince George? Not that great.
I find that a lot of people claim that they “can’t even” when honestly, they could if they really wanted to. This is especially true when people squeal over Prince George, the old royal baby. Everybody knows that the main reason parents have a second child is because the first one was disappointing. And honestly, Will and Kate could do better than Prince George. Sure, he’s totally adorable. He’s absurdly well-dressed. He seems smart, for a baby. Fine, he is more or less flawless. But just look at this non-royal stuff he tries to pull:
This is why royals always have an heir and a spare. Because sometimes the heir is squirmy as hell. It’s about time Will and Kate try for another baby – this time, maybe one that’s not always flailing and stuff.
The New Royal Baby might be a girl baby.
The only way to make a boy baby’s outfits look cute is to dress him like he has a job. If you put him in a sailor suit or a farmer’s overalls, that’s cute – or a little dark suit like he has a meeting, or a tweed blazer like a little professor, or distressed jeans like the world’s tiniest hip megachurch pastor – but other than that boy clothes don’t really offer much. But there’s a 50/50 chance the New Royal Baby will be a girl baby, and those outfits are going to be cute. We’ve done a whole post on the fashions of lesser baby princesses, but this baby will be outfitted with all of that Scotland money. And possibly Scottish clothes. A little plaid kilt? We really will be unable to even.
Holy Crap They’re Going To Have To Name It
Celebrity baby names are the best ever, and royal celebrity babies are no exception. They’re basically the opposite of regular celebrity babies, who are all named things like Answer and Peplum – instead, you can bet on baby name pools with the odds favoring the most normal names you can think of. Will it be Margaret, or Elizabeth, or Charlotte? Caroline, or Mary, or Victoria? Or maybe James or Edward or Thomas? Finally, a baby being born with a 0% chance that I’m going to have to pretend the name Peightyn or Jayse is “just precious.”
More chances to hear the royal family talk like fake people
The Royal Family does not talk like normal English people, they talk like English people as written by the author of a 1920s children’s book. When the new royal baby was announced, Prince Harry said that Kate was “feeling pretty poignant, but that is to be expected.” Prince William feels “immensely thrilled” that he’s going to have another child. When newborn Prince George was first presented to adoring crowds, William said “”It’s the first time we have seen him really so we are having a proper chance to catch up.” Anything that gives us more opportunities to listen to these 21st century adults talk like children from a C.S. Lewis book is worth celebrating, as far as I’m concerned.