Unsolicited Celebrity Advice On The Scottish Referendum

Tomorrow, Scotland will either vote yes and become a nation independent of Great Britain, or vote nae, guaranteeing that the sun never sets on the British Empire.* Today, Scots are thinking hard on that tough decision, listening to that “still small voice.”

Aye. But whose still small voice? Queen Elizabeth’s (the voice with the fanciest accent)? Or Groundskeeper Willie’s (the voice from an American cartoon)? Scotland doesn’t have to make its choice alone – there are plenty of entertainers, politicians, and fictional characters doling out unsolicited advice.


* I mean, it does, but it sets like a half hour later if you’re including Scotland.

Queen Elizabeth

But just to be clear, I AM Scotland. – Queen Lizzie

What she said: Scotland “should think very carefully.”

What that means: Technically, she is neutral, but really: Oh hell no, I am not going through customs to get to Balmoral. Peasants.

J.K. Rowling

What she said:

Rowling also called for “People before flags, answers not slogans, reason not ranting.”

What that means: If the Scottish economy collapses, 90% of that is my money, isn’t it?

Groundskeeper Willie

What he said:

What it means: It’s been over 25 years, and we’re about out of Simpsons episode concepts. Help us out, Scotland.

Barack Obama

What he said: From the outside, the United States has a deep interest in ensuring that one of the closest allies we’ll ever have remains strong, robust, united and an effective partner of the United States.’

What it means: When you add a third party, a special relationship becomes a very special relationship. No, you can’t.

Stephen Colbert

What he said:

What it means: I am America, and so can you.

David Cameron

What he said:

“I speak for millions of people across England, Wales and Northern Ireland – and many in Scotland, too who would be utterly heart-broken by the break-up of the United Kingdom. Utterly heart-broken to wake up on Friday morning to the end of the country we love.”

What it means:

Susan Boyle

What she said: I don’t feel reassured that the change will in any way make our already great country better. We should not be wasting money on this change – we should be putting it into areas that need it the most.

What that means:

John Oliver

What he said:

Re: David Cameron: That is the face of a person who fast-forwards through the servant parts of Downton Abbey.

What it means:

David Beckham

What he said:

“We want to let you know how very much we value our relationship and friendship.”

“I took as much satisfaction in seeing Sir Chris Hoy or Andy Murray win gold as I did watching Jess Ennis and Mo Farah do the same in the Olympic Stadium.

“What unites us is much greater than what divides us. Let’s stay together.”

What it means: This is the same speech I’ve given Victoria a bunch of times, with some things about football thrown in.

Sir Sean Connery

What he said: A Yes vote will capture the world’s attention. There will be a renewed focus on our culture and politics, giving us an unparalleled opportunity to promote our heritage and creative excellence.

What it means: My Highlander residuals are going to blow up.

James McAvoy

What he said: The political debate is annoying to me. I feel like it should be left to the people a bit more. The last televised debate just deepened my distrust for politicians, because it just became a shouting match, and it was silly frankly, and on both sides, people evading and not answering questions, direct questions, which is just infuriating.

McAvoy declined to say how he would be voting.

What it means: I can not answer questions, too!

Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

What they said: I’m pregnant.

What it means:



5 thoughts on “Unsolicited Celebrity Advice On The Scottish Referendum

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