Saturday Spotlight: Words To The Wise

Some advice on your Saturday:

– Sit shiva like the Foxmans from This Is Where I Leave You (or, maybe don’t)

Do: Turn down offers to date rando people your mom’s friends want to set you up with

If you’re one of the mourners who’s had a death in the family, you have the upperhand in every conversation. If you don’t feel like talking to people – not because you’re sad, but because you are tired of talking – you can just blame it on the fact that you’re too “depressed” to engage in conversation. So if your mom’s friends know you recently separated from your wife because she cheated on you with your boss, feel free to turn those sly dating offers down.

Millie Rosen brings her daughter, Rochelle, who is 27, unmarried, and pretty in a forgettable way. She positions her right in front of me and makes painfully obvious attempts at engaging us in conversation. What pretty much every person in Elmsbrook except Millie knows is that I am not Rochelle’s type, being that I don’t have breasts and a vagina.

Do not: Bring your cougar girlfriend home for the first time for your father’s shiva unannounced

Phillip, the youngest of the Foxman kids, surprises his family by telling them his much old girlfriend, Tracy, is coming for the week. Actually, no. He didn’t even tell them, it was more of a guerrilla attack.

He flips the phone closed and looks at all of meaningfully. “She’s here,” he says, like we’ve all been waiting. Like we have any idea what he’s talking about.

Tracy is not only much older and wiser, but she’s actually her therapist (that’s how they met, naturally). Meeting a significant other’s family can be intimidating enough, but even more so when it’s a full on family gathering, and it’s because of a death in said family, and also if everyone in that family is insane.

 

Do: Turn down offers to date rando people your mom’s friends want to set you up with

If you’re one of the mourners who’s had a death in the family, you have the upperhand in every conversation. If you don’t feel like talking to people – not because you’re sad, but because you are tired of talking – you can just blame it on the fact that you’re too “depressed” to engage in conversation. So if your mom’s friends know you recently separated from your wife because she cheated on you with your boss, feel free to turn those sly dating offers down.

Millie Rosen brings her daughter, Rochelle, who is 27, unmarried, and pretty in a forgettable way. She positions her right in front of me and makes painfully obvious attempts at engaging us in conversation. What pretty much every person in Elmsbrook except Millie knows is that I am not Rochelle’s type, being that I don’t have breasts and a vagina.

Do not: Bring your cougar girlfriend home for the first time for your father’s shiva unannounced

Phillip, the youngest of the Foxman kids, surprises his family by telling them his much old girlfriend, Tracy, is coming for the week. Actually, no. He didn’t even tell them, it was more of a guerrilla attack.

He flips the phone closed and looks at all of meaningfully. “She’s here,” he says, like we’ve all been waiting. Like we have any idea what he’s talking about.

Tracy is not only much older and wiser, but she’s actually her therapist (that’s how they met, naturally). Meeting a significant other’s family can be intimidating enough, but even more so when it’s a full on family gathering, and it’s because of a death in said family, and also if everyone in that family is insane.

Vote on your nation’s independence based on what that lady from Britain’s Got Talent says (again, maybe that’s a no).

David Cameron

What he said:

“I speak for millions of people across England, Wales and Northern Ireland – and many in Scotland, too who would be utterly heart-broken by the break-up of the United Kingdom. Utterly heart-broken to wake up on Friday morning to the end of the country we love.”

What it means:

Susan Boyle

What she said: I don’t feel reassured that the change will in any way make our already great country better. We should not be wasting money on this change – we should be putting it into areas that need it the most.

What that means:

– Dress like you’re from the 80s if you want to win a 90s beauty pageant

2000: Heather French

Blanche always was the hot Golden Girl, and frankly, I can’t blame Miss America for taking a page from her hair style book. This was truly a Miss America to lead us into the new millennium – with the tousled locks of a retiree from the late 1980s.

– Make every party a dance party

BUTTER: A freestyle rap battle from Comedy Bang Bang , featuring Amy Poehler, Alan Thicke (Paul F. Tompkins), Scott Aukerman, and Neil Campbell

If you don’t listen to Comedy Bang Bang, you should probably start. Host Scott Auckerman invites comedians to his studio and crazyness ensues. It’s really hard to describe, because lit’rally anything and everything happens and there’s no way to anticipate what’s going to come out of the guests’ mouths. But sometimes, there are recurring bits, including these freestyle rap battles. And I mean, where else would you hear Amy Poehler rapping about butter? Yes, butter. Amy Poehler rapping is everything I love about her, and why she is my spirit animal. She seems like a charming gal on the outside, but there’s a side to her that is a hardcore rapper wanting to come out.

– Don’t waste time looking up what the kids from the Babysitter’s Club movie l0ok like now (because we already did it for you!)

Kristy Thomas played by Schuyler Fisk

Here’s a fun fact I always forget about Schuyler – her mother is Sissy Spacek. Yeah, her mom was Carrie. Anyways,  after BSC, she appeared in 2002’s Orange County with Colin Hanks and Jack Black, and that might actually be what you know her from if you’re not of the BSC ilk. She also appeared in movies like Snow Day and I’m Reed Fish and was in episodes of Law & Order: SVU and One Tree Hill. But Schuyler has also made a name for herself as a singer/songwriter, and a lot of her music has been used in soundtracks. She did a duet with Zach Braff fave Joshua Radin, and their duet Paperweight was used on The Last Kiss and Dear John – basically you’ve heard her sing before without even knowing it. She married artist Chapman Bullock in 2012.

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