The world’s most eligible bachelor has tied the knot, and the main concern we have coming out of it is – how do we break the news to mom?
This past weekend, George Clooney – world’s most eligible bachelor – became just another married guy. How’s your mom doing with that news?
Seriously, you should call your mother.
There are several defining moments that broke the hearts and dashed the romantic expectations of baby boomer women: the death of JFK – nay, Camelot itself. The Beatles’ shaggy phase. Charles and Diana’s divorce. Now this: the man your mom is probably obsessed with is off the market. Yes, you should call her. But we don’t think you should go into this blind. Here’s all the prep you need.
Understand The Alternatives
Your mother may express dismay that Clooney did not wed one of his past loves. However, Clooney often dated less-famous gals, so you should also be prepared for your mother to mourn George’s failure to end up with single famous ladies who she likes. This is normal. If your mother laments that George should have married “Sandy,” “Jen,” “Meg,” or “Julie,” just know that she means Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Meg Ryan, or Julia Roberts/ Julianna Margulies. Matchmaker to the stars, that mom of yours.
The correct emotion to express when talking to your mother is bemusement. Say things like “I never thought he’d get married,” or, if you’re slightly more dramatic, “well, I never thought we’d see the day.”
It’s understandable that your mom might be a bit taken aback by this news, because this is not a marriage of peers. No, it is a marriage between a major player on the international stage … and a man from this one doctor show in the 90s.
Your mother will become more comfortable with this development if she grows to accept – or even love – George’s new missus. If, like me, you don’t know much about Amal Alamuddin, here is your cheat sheet. Alamuddin is a British-Lebanese human rights attorney who earned her degree at Oxford and got an L.M.A. from N.Y.U. She clerked for a pre-Supreme Court Sonia Sotomayor, and has spent the past few years working with the U.N., most recently on human rights violations in the Israel-Gaza conflict. She is fluent in three languages. So don’t worry, moms, I’m sure George will be provided for in his old age.
If you’re still in disbelief that George Clooney actually got married for real real, just think of all the other things we thought would happen before he actually “settled down”.
Well folks, it happened. George Clooney is betrothed. To a woman who is not a model by profession. In case you didn’t know, Amal Alamuddin is a 36-year-old Lebanon-born, London-based lawyer, who specializes in international law, human rights, extradition and criminal law. She went to Oxford and NYU, is fluent in English, French and Arabic, and has previously worked with now-Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor and represented WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange in 2011. Basically, she’s no dummy, and different than all the other girls George has loved before, which is why I think this is legit. But let’s be real – how many people actually thought George would ever get engaged again? His first marriage to actress Talia Balsam (who’s now married to silver fox John Slattery) didn’t work out and he publicly vowed to never marry again. Yet here we are. Albeit he still needs to actually exchange vows with her, I, and I assume the rest of the pop culture-obsessed public, never thought this would happen. There are hundreds of other things I thought would happen before George ever put a ring on anyone, let alone a woman that might actually be the one. Here’s a list of just some of the things I thought would happen before Cloonster would ever settle down.
Clooney reprising his role as Batman
Lou Bega making a legit come back
Wait, guys… I’m JUST realizing this is Mambo NUMBER 5. WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMBOS 1 THROUGH 4?!?
Finding the fictional Heart of the Ocean
Leonardo DiCaprio getting an Oscar
You’ll get ’em next year, bud.
My parents giving up their AOL account
FACT: I recently witnessed my mother using AOL and let me tell you – this screenshot is not that far off from what it looks like in 2014. BUDDY LISTS. !
Figuring out the exact number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop
Actually liking Tootsie Roll Pops
Honestly, the most disgusting candy.
The Buffalo Bills going to the Super Bowl
A little Western New York humor for you
Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams getting back together
Discovering the real identity of -A on Pretty Little Liars
This will happen once the show ends for real. Maybe.
Actually going through the threat of quitting Facebook
The Friday Night Lights movie happening
Probably for the best that this isn’t a thing.
The Friends reunion happening
Yeah, probs for the best this isn’t a thing either.
Reading through the entirty of the iTunes Terms and Conditions
Never in my life. Sorry, Apple.