Saturday Spotlight: Nick Jonas Is NOT Totally 80s (But Lots Of Other Things Are)

Choose Your Own Adventure Books, cheesy horror movies, and Neil Patrick Harris are all 80s icons. So are old-school cartoons like Care Bears and My Little Pony. Mila Kunis WAS a baby in the 80s, and now she HAS a baby in the 2010s. Circuses? Eh, sure. They were around then. But Nick Jonas? He wasn’t even a gleam in Papa Jonas’s eye then. But look at him now! No, really. Look at him now. You won’t regret it.

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

Help! You’re Shrinking

“A chemist stays up late in the lab working on a secret experiment, but a strange bottle mysteriously shows up that he’s never seen before. While he tries to figure out what it is, the blue liquid splashed on his arm and suddenly he shrinks to the size of a blade of grass.”

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Beware! Children at Play

“After several children have gone missing, a writer and a cop decide to get to the bottom of the problem once and for all. As they find more and more leads they discover that their children are being brainwashed into zombified cannibal killers by a disturbed teen.”

Choose Your Own Adventure Book or 1980s Horror Film?!

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Your Childhood Characters All Look Freaking Weird Now

Pound Puppies

Then:

Now:

How Freaking Weird Does It Look?

First, a story. Did you know that Pound Puppies had cat friends in the 80s and 90s? They did. They were called Pound Purries. As a 4 or 5-year-old, I thought that was the stupidest name ever. What sort of idiot called a cat a “purry?” And as a kid who read lots of children’s books from 50+ years ago, I KNEW that there was a better alliterative name for these cats. So, I could not figure out why my parents reacted with swift horror when I said that I was going to call the characters “Pound Pussies.”

There was no way to know it yet – the internet was still in its infancy, after all – but guys, I’m pretty sure I invented the first online pornography search term.

Anyway, do these look weird? Well they look more like real animals, but they’re a lot less whimsical. And I can’t help but notice that there’s an absence of pounded pussies, which really has always said whimsy to me.


The Evolution Of Nick Jonas

2007 – The Year 3000

Before the Jonas brothers became the Jonas Brothers in 2005, Nick had already had a successful career behind him – he had released a solo album and been on Broadway (which I ironically saw him in Annie Get Your Gun without even knowing). But obviously he became popular when the band blew up and it’s all thanks to Disney. Their cover of UK band Busted’s song Year 3000 was their first real breakout hit. I remember them promoting the shit out of it on the Disney Channel, and from there, they garnered a huge fan base. Nick, the youngest JoBro, was only 15 at the time.


The Circus Gives Me The Willies

The main problem with the circus, of course, is clowns. I discovered this early on. During my early childhood my sister had a clown doll, even though she seems better than the kind of person who would own a clown doll. When the neighborhood boys used it as a prop in a movie about evil toys that come to life, and they broke it by punching it repeatedly in its stupid, leering plastic face, I didn’t lose any sleep over it. Or rather I DID lose sleep, but only because if any toy would rise from the garbage dump, find its way back to my house, and go Chuckie on my entire family as we slept, it would have been that damn clown doll.

“I hate you and don’t want you to be happy” – anyone who would give this to a child

Well into my teen years, my oldest brother would walk past my open bedroom door, and if I was reading quietly or doing my homework, he would fix his face into a wide, open-grinned clown’s smile, go dead behind the eyes, and sing that horrible circus song all slow and drawn-out, like a haunted record. You know the one, it’s like the theme song to nightmares: doo-doo-doodle-oodle ooo-doo-doo.


Other Things That May Or May Not Be Ashton And Mila’s Baby

Hello baby Kutcher or Hello person?

The cutest little nose you ever did see – is it Ashton and Mila’s or a baby named Winnie (Fallon)?

Apparently the debate of whether Pluto is a planet or not is back on the table, and for all we know, it could be the result of some kind of Kutcher/Kabbalah/Illuminati shit.

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Saturday Spotlight: Nick Jonas Is NOT Totally 80s (But Lots Of Other Things Are)

  1. Pingback: Saturday Spotlight: With Glowing Hearts | cookies + sangria

  2. Pingback: I Think I Owe Pink An Apology | cookies + sangria

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