Like a children’s board game, this week the blog was full of tiny pieces that probably should not be consumed by children under the age of 4 – both the real tiny pieces of games like Mall Madness (which would make a great movie), or of crustacians like our buddy Marcel The Shell… and just, you know, little bits of writing. Enjoy! Don’t choke.
I think it’s only appropriate that today’s Man Crush Monday goes out to one of the loves of my life, John Krasinski – this, on the day of his 35th birthday.
You probably know John as the only sane guy working at Dunder Mifflin in The Office. You may also know him as Emily Blunt’s husband, Hazel Krasinski’s father, or the dude who does the voiceovers for Esurance. To me, he is one of those people that always ends up on the short list of my ‘celebrity crushes’ (I definitely don’t have that written down somewhere) because of his charm, wit, and acting abilities. So to celebrate the anniversary of his birth, let’s go over just a few of the reasons why JKras is my Man Crush for this Monday and all Mondays to come.
He’s a Boston Boy
John was born and raised in Newton, Massachusetts, which is right on the outskirts of Boston. Being that Boston is like a second home to me, I feel like we have a connection – especially since he is proudly wearing all that Celtics/Red Sox garb making him even hotter. Also I have friends who are from Newtown and we may or may not have found out where he grew up/his parents’ house is and may or may not have done a drive by. It’s fine. Not at all creepy.
I think everyone knows what it’s like to feel tiny. Maybe, like me, you waited around for a late high school growth spurt, only to find it leaving you at 5’2 (if they invent time travel, please tell my nine-year-old self that she can shelve that copy of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret for another decade or so, and also that those exercises don’t work). Even if you aren’t physically small, you’ve probably been the least-accomplished person in your grad school classes, or the new guy at work. If you’ve always felt both full-sized and adequate, that’s very nice but you can stop reading and go back to self-actualizing and exceeding expectations and knowing what’s on the top shelf of your cupboard; we’re done here.
Marcel The Shell With Shoes On is a big star – the focus of three YouTube videos and two books – who knows a thing or two about being tiny. The Marcel videos have garnered millions of YouTube views; the third video, posted yesterday, is edging up on a million hits already. A big factor in his success is that while most of us are not sneaker-wearing mollusks, we all know what it’s like to feel small. I mean, except for those large, successful people who we dismissed in the first paragraph. But that little shell is so self-assured and confident, and doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry that he can’t nibble on cheese without experiencing a cholesterol event, or that his sister Marissa took an ill-fated journey on a balloon.
When Pink first came on the pop music scene in 2000 with her debut single, There You Go, it was in the middle of the TRL era, where it seemed like anyone who made the top 10 countdown could easily have a number one hit then go away the very next day (Sisqo, where are you?). Of course Pink went on to record hit songs like Most Girls (yesss that jam), and Lady Marmalade, which won her her first Grammy. Then there was the ‘I love Carey Hart’ then ‘I hate Carey Hart’ and finally ‘I love Carey Hart forever and we have a kid together’ phases of her life that brought her even more hits. Honestly, she hasn’t made a wrong turn anywhere musically over the past nearly 15 years. With over 40 million albums and 65 million singles sold worldwide, she’s a bonafide pop star.
As an admittedly shameless pop music fan, I appreciate Pink. I like her music. I know all the words to her songs that I subconsciously picked up along the way. I’ve sat in awe of her live performances. I mean to this day I still think this one of her hit Try from the 2012 American Music Awards is one of the best ever. She’s an amazing performer, an unparalleled singer, yet I’ve never owned any of her albums or singles or purposely seen in her concert. But why? Everything about her on paper makes her the perfect pop star, yet I’d rather pay to see Beyonce or the Backstreet Boys or even Britney Spears before her.
And I think I’ve finally figured it out. She’s normal. She’s a regular human being or just extraordinary talent and can churn out hits like no one’s business. With Bey, it’s like she’s some kind of immortal goddess that is unreal. BSB will always and forever be my number one teen idols. Britney is – well, we all lived through the Brit Brit disaster of 2007, so we know there’s that. But Pink is like the girl who lived down the street from you when you were growing up (Alecia, you called her back then), and you’re just happy for her success.
1. I Didn’t Know There Would Be Tia And Tamera
Look, I’m not the best at vetting crappy tween movies before I watch them. And by “not the best,” I mean the actual worst. As in, when we went to From Justin To Kelly circa 2003, I didn’t realize that it would be a full musical.
It’s been a decade, but I still can’t believe that that was a theatrical release. It wouldn’t even have made a good TV movie. It seems like something the counselors would write for the show at the end of summer camp, but at like a decidedly non-performing-arts-y summer camp.
Anyway, I didn’t know that the Mowry twins would be in this, and I spent the first 10 minutes or so trying to see if I could decide which was which. Disney gave one straight hair and one curly hair, which was nice, and their genetic code gave one a mole and one no mole, which is even nicer, but still.
I Googled it later, by the way. Tamera. Tamera has the mole. Tamera is also the reason that I spent my entire childhood mispronouncing the name “Tamara.”
Pitch: Set in the 1990s in Minnesota, twin sisters are given a credit card to spend any way they want in the Mall of America for their birthday. But when their parents set them loose, they go a little crazy with their spending habits, running around the mall from store to store swiping the card willy nilly, despite their parents telling them to only spend $150 each. In the process, they witness a man stealing from the local Foot Locker and spend the rest of their day trying to catch him. It’s a big screen version of The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Mall Marauder.
Pitch: Jennifer, Kaci and Veronica are having their monthly sleepover and decided to prank call a bunch of cute guys from their school. But when they misdial a number, they end up talking to a man who isn’t as friendly as he sounds and they spend the rest of the night trying to avoid his calls – and his unwanted visits to their house.