Practical Uses For Garbage Halloween Candy

Even a non-garbage holiday has some trash parts:

  • Thanksgiving: gauging how much to eat before the meal; food comas; always missing the one part of the parade you wanted to see.
  • Christmas: everything after presents – yawn.
  • Easter: church forever.

The downsides of Halloween are that sometimes it snows (in second grade we had three inches!) and sometimes you get garbage candy – but unlike the weather, there’s something you can do about that:

Charleston Chews

What to do with it: Use it to lure 1920s ghosts, like dead flappers or spooky speakeasy owners, when conducting a seance or Ouiji session.

Sugar Babies

What to do with it:  Use Sugar Babies as a reminder to Google “sugar babies.”  The level of sketchiness of your search results will tell you how your internet security settings are working.

Mary Janes

What to do with it:  Mary Janes are egg, dairy, and gluten free, so keep them on hand and dole them out whenever your friend who has Food Intolerance Of The Week Syndrome comes over. [But give good food to your friends who have real allergies, obviously.]

Dum Dums

What to do with it:  Believe it or not, the Dum Dums website has a list of Dum Dum uses for all you suckers out there. Do people regularly end up with bags of Dum Dums they don’t know what to do with? Because it seems like something you’d only buy very on purpose.

My favorites:

  • “Use them to help you quit smoking” (so, eat one as punishment if you slip and have a cigarette?)
  • “Eat them on a diet to curb your cravings; only about 20 calories and no fat” (because eating a Dum Dum provides you with a solid 5-10 minutes to sit and contemplate how much you’ve grown to hate yourself).

Tootsie Rolls, Both Regular And Weird Flavored

What to do with it: If you are serving up some tricks with your treats,  replace the classic flaming bag o’ poop with a flaming bag o’ unwrapped Tootsie Rolls. It’s slightly less disgusting but basically looks the same. Still a fire haz, though.

If you have those stupid pastel Tootsie Rolls, save it for Christmastime, when it will masquerade as elf poop for all you crazy Elf On The Shelf fanatics (or fairy or unicorn poo, for a non-Christmasy twist).

Waxy Halloween Gelt

What to do with it: Play Halloween Dreidel (take a regular dreidel and replace nun, gimmel, hay and shin with a spooky cat, a ghost, a pumpkin, and a witch hat). Or bury them and let a child think they’ve discovered treasure (only to learn they’ve discovered trash, when they try to eat it).

Cow Tales

What to do with it: Hang from a door frame and use it as a fly-catcher, or place it in a plastic cup, cover the top with plastic wrap, poke some holes in it, and use it to catch fruit flies. What I’m saying is, I think insects might eat these, maybe?

Necco Wafers

 What to do with it: When raking leaves, place rolls of Necco Wafers in the bottom of bags, so they don’t blow away before they’re weighted down with leaves.

Dental Hygeine Items

What to do with it: Brush your damn teeth, paying special attention to the plaque of disappointment.

Those thingies in plain orange and black wrappers

 What to do with it: Make new friends at your local hazardous waste disposal! Because these are poison needle drug candies.

Bit O Honey

What to do with it: Save these for the next time your child has a loose tooth; one bite and that tooth is gone for good.

Good And Plenty

What to do with it: Load into a BB gun to scare small animals from your yard; give to children to use as pretend medicine when they are playing Old People.

Pretzels And Fruit Snacks

What to do with it: Pack these in your lunch, and try to forget that anyone ever tried to present them as Halloween candy.


What to do with it: Extract the razor; use it as backup the next time you run out of blades.

Religious Tracts

What to do with it: I used to love getting these, because then my friends and I could stage sarcastic readings of them at lunch the next day. It’s best if your kids think they came up with the idea themselves. They also make good coloring books for kids who are still illiterate.


5 thoughts on “Practical Uses For Garbage Halloween Candy

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