ICYMI: Halloween Weekend’s Not Over Yet

Since Halloween was on a Friday this year, I feel like we get to celebrate it all weekend long, but what do we do with that unwanted candy you’ve acquired?

Practical Uses For Garbage Halloween Candy

Even a non-garbage holiday has some trash parts:

  • Thanksgiving: gauging how much to eat before the meal; food comas; always missing the one part of the parade you wanted to see.
  • Christmas: everything after presents – yawn.
  • Easter: church forever.

The downsides of Halloween are that sometimes it snows (in second grade we had three inches!) and sometimes you get garbage candy – but unlike the weather, there’s something you can do about that:

Charleston Chews

What to do with it: Use it to lure 1920s ghosts, like dead flappers or spooky speakeasy owners, when conducting a seance or Ouiji session.

Sugar Babies

What to do with it:  Use Sugar Babies as a reminder to Google “sugar babies.”  The level of sketchiness of your search results will tell you how your internet security settings are working.

Mary Janes

What to do with it:  Mary Janes are egg, dairy, and gluten free, so keep them on hand and dole them out whenever your friend who has Food Intolerance Of The Week Syndrome comes over. [But give good food to your friends who have real allergies, obviously.]

Dum Dums

What to do with it:  Believe it or not, the Dum Dums website has a list of Dum Dum uses for all you suckers out there. Do people regularly end up with bags of Dum Dums they don’t know what to do with? Because it seems like something you’d only buy very on purpose.

My favorites:

  • “Use them to help you quit smoking” (so, eat one as punishment if you slip and have a cigarette?)
  • “Eat them on a diet to curb your cravings; only about 20 calories and no fat” (because eating a Dum Dum provides you with a solid 5-10 minutes to sit and contemplate how much you’ve grown to hate yourself).

Tootsie Rolls, Both Regular And Weird Flavored

What to do with it: If you are serving up some tricks with your treats,  replace the classic flaming bag o’ poop with a flaming bag o’ unwrapped Tootsie Rolls. It’s slightly less disgusting but basically looks the same. Still a fire haz, though.

If you have those stupid pastel Tootsie Rolls, save it for Christmastime, when it will masquerade as elf poop for all you crazy Elf On The Shelf fanatics (or fairy or unicorn poo, for a non-Christmasy twist).


 

Now that you figured out what to do with those, grab the good candies and opt for a non-traditional scary movie to wrap up your weekend.

Non-Scary Movies That Will Scare the $HiT Out of You

I’m not much of a horror movie person. I would rather see all the rom-coms in existence (ranging from Hallmark Channel to When Harry Met Sally) than sit through a marathon of Friday the 13th movies. It’s not particularly because it’s scary, but because I don’t find the appeal in watching someone get bludgeoned to death with like a knife or a chainsaw.

The first movie I remember ever thinking was truly frightening was The Sixth Sense, because that was the paranormal factor yet ‘realistic’ side to it that freaked me out when I was just 13. Movies that aren’t necessarily considered horror – that are more psychologically scary are waayyy more horrific than any Mike Meyers type film. Here’s my list of scary non-scary movies that actually make me lost my shit.

Gravity

So I saw the trailer for this in the movie theater and IMMEDIATELY said ‘NOPE’ outloud. But then a couple weeks ago, it finally came out and the buzz was through the roof. No one said anything about the plot, or the outcome , just that it was amazing and would blow your mind.

Because I sometimes cave to peer pressure, I finally saw it. And holy shit was everyone right. There is no way to accurately describe the feeling you have throughout and after watching this movie, other than it affects you. Emotionally, physically – it makes you feel something that I’ve never felt before. The only thing I can kind of compare it to is after I saw Inception, I legit had to sit in my seat until they kicked us out because I didn’t know what to do with myself (slash I wanted to know if the top fell or not). It’s like Inception but 10 times worse/better.

There were definitely parts where the anxiety level was high, and seeing Sandra Bullock and George Clooney dangle in space was absolutely horrifying. But it reminds you that we are just a small part of this entire galaxy, and maybe that’s the most frightening part of it all.

Requiem for a Dream

I was introduced to this film my freshman year of college in one of my writing classes (liberal arts school = a writing class where my final paper was about Studio 54 and Macaulay Culkin’s Party Monster). Now I don’t do drugs, but after watching this film there was no way in hell I was ever going to start. The way Darren Aronofsky makes you feel like you’re actually doing drugs with them was plenty enough for me to feel like I was high too. The close up cinematography of the drugs themselves was a startling reminder of what you’re actually dealing with – and not to mention I think Breaking Bad may have taken a page out of Aronofsky’s book.

And the music? Yeah, if I hear the first few notes of Lux Aeterna, it takes me to a place in my mind I never want to be. Bitches be crazy on drugs, y’all.

Contagion

To be completely honest, the idea of Contagion sounded so scary to me that I couldn’t even watch the movie. I’m just putting it on here because it sounds like the worst possible thing that could feasibly happen to the citizens of the world. It hits too close too home and I don’t like it one bit. This is why I don’t like going out – people can catch things.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

At first glance, this is a fun children’s movie, right? WRONG. As much as I love this movie, let’s be real. What kind of creepy old man, who hasn’t been seen in years, has a contest to invite kids into his sketchy chocolate factory, which is all really a test to see who would become his rightful heir? And come on – this scene alone? Why did we let kids watch this movie?!?

Black Swan

Going in to Black Swan, I really didn’t think it was going to be as creepy and unsettling as it actually was. But leave it up to Darren Aronofsky once again to freak your bean. Remember the part with the feathers? Yeah, that still haunts me to this day.

Fantasia

Hands down, the weirdest Disney film ever. I remember seeing this in the theater with my parents and falling asleep, but I think it was really because I subconsciously didn’t want my innocent eyes to see the ecstasy trip that was happening on screen. Honestly, if I did drugs (which again, thank Requiem for that), it would probably be a much better film? IDK though guys, it still doesn’t make sense to me and I imagine that that’s what Disney hell looks like.

BONUS:

Unsolved Mysteries

Don’t tell me this theme song alone didn’t make you want to run into a corner and cry. I would make my parents change the channel anytime it accidentally came on because it was THAT frightening… I really shouldn’t have been watching so much television as a kid…

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