During our Sesame Street years, we all got our exercise on by playing a rousing game of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. But we’re all adults now, and it’s 2014, and all anybody cares about are mustaches and butts. So it goes.
Comedians Are On Sesame Street!
Jon Stewart delivered the fake, fake news.
Amy Poehler exercised (sort of!) with Elmo.
Ricky Gervais says “stumble” so many times it no longer sounds like a word.
So it would only make sense to celebrate Singles Day here in America, right? There are already a ton of people every year who are against Valentine’s Day (Anna Howard Shaw Day, anyone?), not to mention the fact that about half the adult population in the U.S. (that’s about 124 million folks) are single, which honestly makes me feel a little bit better about my life, but not by that much. Combine that with young people who are looking for excuses to shop online AND at discounted prices, you’ve got yourself a new Cyber Monday. Here’s hoping Singles Day makes its way to the U.S. soon, because these are just some of the possible items that would sell out immediately:
- Personalized flask
- Wine of the Month
- Anything to do with alcohol
- A comfy onesie
- Gourmet chocolate
- A body pillow with Chris Evans on it
- Whenever he’s not working, Leo reverts to what he calls his “off-duty haircut.” You know the one:
- The part of you that was once a Titanic-obsessed 11-year-old probably remembers when Leo was quoted as saying “The human mouth is one of the dirtiest things on this planet. There’s so much bacteria, slime and trapped food–a dog’s mouth is much cleaner.” But did you know that he only said that because he’s totally the kind of guy who lets strange dogs come up to him and lick his hand? Dogs love him.
- Speaking of dogs, yes, Leo has one. And yes, it’s a rescue dog, but you know what? Leo knows when to shut up about it.
- And when I say “rescue dog,” I mean the whole shebang. Like, one of those sad ones with an eye-patch and a wheel. No big deal.
Gordon from Sesame Street
Chandler Bing as Dr. Richard Burke on Friends
So. Kim Kardashian’s butt, huh?
That’s probably how most of your water cooler, bus stop, and family dinner conversations have started for the past few days. When I saw the #BreakTheInternet booty drop, my first thought was (with a sigh) “ugh, I guess we should probably cover that.”
I mean “cover” both in terms of writing about it, and in terms of “will somebody please put some pants or culottes or a skort or bloomers on that lady? Because we cannot publish that photo on our blog.”
Nobody can deny that the butt is having a moment. From Kim Kardashian to Nicki Minaj, from the new, reality TV judge version of J.Lo to that one Drake video, butts are everywhere. But get ready for an unpopular opinion: I just don’t find butts exciting. Pop culture blasphemy, I know.
Here’s the main thing I don’t get: everybody has a butt. Man or woman, child or elderly, famous or infamous, humans all have butts. Kim Kardashian has a butt? So did Richard Nixon. So does Barbara Walters. Shirley Temple had a butt her whole life, as did W.W.F. wrestler Yokozuna and artist/musician Yoko Ono. Are you sitting down to read this? Congratulations! You are sitting on your very own butt. If you are standing, stop and look behind you. Your butt is there, following wherever you go, like a loyal dog or Peter Pan’s shadow. In fact, when I think of the people who don’t have butts – twins conjoined back to back, people who are amputated at the waist – they are so rare that they are the interesting ones.