ICYMI: Last-Minute Christmas Shopping That Will Break The Bank

We’re in the single-digit countdown to Christmas now, and you only have mere hours to get your final Christmas gifts. If you need some inspiration, and have a few thousand Benjamins lying around, this list is for you.

Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts: Santa’s Got A Brand New Douchebag

There is one joy that money can never buy: the pure delight of making fun of rich people. And there is no better time to mock the wealthy than Christmas – turning the season of giving into the season of taking (the mickey). When the affluent want to give an elaborate gift, but don’t want to actually arrange the present themselves, they turn to the year’s Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts. But let nothing you dismay – we have low-budget alternatives to all of them.

Tanqueray No. Ten Imperial Shaker

Cost: $35,000.00

No, it’s not an amusement park swing ride for 7-up bottles. I thought so, too. It’s a Tanqueray shaker, complete with a year’s supply of Tanqueray and a mixology class. So, essentially a Rube Goldberg invention that turns a rich asshole into a rich, drunk asshole.

Alternative: A case of Crystal Palace gin ($100.00, your local college-adjacent liquor store), a shaker ($20.00, eBay), The Joy of Mixology ($20.00, Target)

Vanity Fair Academy Awards Experience

Cost: $425,000.00

This is like famous person fantasy camp. It includes two nights at the Beverly Hills Hotel, dinner at the Chateau Marmont (Lindsay Lohan optional?), pampering (such a gross word), a dress and some borrowed jewelry and getting your hair did, access to the Vanity Fair party, and a crushing, sobering return to reality the next day.

Alternative: a Groupon for a local spa, a gift card to some sort of place that sells dresses, and your personal stash of back issues of US Weekly.

The House Of Creed Bespoke Fragrance Journey

Cost: $475,000.00

Whenever someone starts describing something as a “journey,” I tune out. You can say that you’re losing weight, but tell me that you’re “on a weight loss journey” and I’ll picture you with a compass and maybe a Saint Bernard, getting Sacajawea’ed through a Planet Fitness. So, what’s a “fragrance journey?” It’s a straight-up trip to Paris, with three nights in a five-star hotel, meals, a jaunt to the countryside, and a consult with a perfumier to make your “signature scent.”


 

Are those items a little too costly for you? Well maybe Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop gift guide is more in your budget. If your pockets are lined with gold.

Guess the (Ghastly) Goop Prices!

I’ve always said that if I ever win the lottery or suddenly inherit loads of money, I would not buy extravagant things. I would probably still shop at places like Target and Forever 21 H&M, but just buy more stuff without having to think twice about it. None of that designer stuff for me.

But there are some people who do fall under the category of throwing money at random stuff – e.g. American Apparel shoppers. The ones that pay $24 for a tank top. I mean, obviously the quality is better etc. etc., but $24 just seems a little too extreme for some fabric.

If you happen to be one of these folks, I have just the site for you. Welcome to Goop.

goopIf you’re not familiar, Goop is a lifestyle website created by Gwyneth Paltrow. It started off as a newsletter, but has since expanded into a website for online shopping, recipes, parenting advice and more. However, Goop has been known to sell some pretty pricy items, which of course is nothing new. However, the site takes the American Apparel route to the next level, selling simple clothes (like tank tops) for twice as much. Here are a few ridiculously priced Goop products that Gwyneth is peddling to the masses. And just for funsies, try to guess how much each items is before looking at the actual retail price! Either highlight the space next to ‘Actual Retail Price’ or click on the pic to purchase it for yourself!

>Actual Retail Price: $175<

>Actual Retail Price: $98<

>Actual Retail Price: $91<

>Actual Retail Price: $950<

>Actual Retail Price: $295<

>Actual Retail Price: $130<

>Actual Retail Price: $195<

>Actual Retail Price: $1,298<

>Actual Retail Price: $165<

>Actual Retail Price: $55<

>Actual Retail Price: $50<

>Actual Retail Price: $140<

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