Guys, do you know what today is? It’s June 3rd. Yes, it’s silver fox Anderson Cooper’s birthday, but that has nothing to do with Gilmore Girls Week. June 3rd – it’s the day that Rory was scheduled to go to court for the whole sex boat scandal – but more importantly, it was the day Luke and Lorelai were supposed to get married.
Alas, as you fans know, that wedding date never came to fruition, and Lorelai made sure everybody knew that during Zach and Lane’s wedding when she got a lil’ shitfaced and told pretty much all of Stars Hollow that June 3rd wasn’t happening, and doubted that it was ever going to happen.
Full disclosure – for the past few years, I’ve been ‘celebrating’ June 3rd with my friend and we usually get coffee, some kind of delish food, and maybe sneak in an ep, so basically it’s become the official unofficial holiday for the show. In celebration of (pre-breakup) June 3rd, let’s take a more in-depth look at not only Luke, but all the memorable boys of Gilmore Girls past. From Tristan to Christopher to Asher, there have been some interesting and some unforgettable men in the GG world, and today, we’re bringing them back and reminding you of just how good (or horrible) they are with a breakdown of each guy, with facts that may or may not be true (they’re all fake, these characters are not real. I know).
**Ed. note: Friendly reminder we’re heading to Austin for the #ATXFestival on Thursday, so follow us on social media using the hashtag #CandSTakeATX as we update you live panels starring the likes of GG, Bunheads, Orphan Black, Dawson’s Creek and more!!**
Occupation: Piece of human garbage
Smells like: Axe body spray, probably
Defining characteristics: punchable face, stupid hair.
Special skills: Carrying historical cannonballs, being obnoxiously tall, okay at Bop It, I guess.
Favorite Macaulay Culkin role: the little evil boy in The Good Son
Emoji that may or may not represent him as a character: 🚽
Where is he now: After finishing his high school years at a military school in small-town North Carolina, Tristan has since settled down with his beloved wife … Mary.
Biggest secret: The “military school” thing was a ruse, he’s obviously in the witness protection program. Come on, there’s no way “Dugray” isn’t a made-up New England prep school kid surname.
Personal hero: the Ryan Philippe character from Cruel Intentions
Hobbies: Local gun club, community theatre
Food aversions: Deviled eggs
Deepest secret: Has the ability to take on superpowers of other people
Favorite book: Swan’s Way
Current occupation: Part-owner of Trunchin Books, and leads their booming e-book department. Wrote another novel called The Heartful Dodger
Most used emoji: 📚
Famous relatives: Ugly Naked Guy, third cousin of John Mayer
Bad habits: Lies when completely unnecessary, never carries any cash
Current occupation: Owns a catering company with branches in 20 cities throughout America. Still refuses to cater any party involving Logan Huntzberger.
Underused emoji: 👕
What comes up when you Google his name: Rory Gilmore Sex Boat
Recreational interests: yacht heists (possibly the wealthiest-sounding two-word combo ever)
Family history: while man is known to descend from apes, Logan’s family carries a suspicious amount of wasp DNA
Favorite Macaulay Culkin role: Richie Rich
Emoji that stings when he see it: 💍
Current age: 21. Still. Somehow.
Biggest secret: Has been frozen in time since 1928 (see: fondness for print journalism; fear of treadmills – it all makes sense).
Favorite accessory: probably one of those old-time tickets in his bowler cap in lieu of a press pass?
Hobbies: Krav Maga, making railroad models, coming up with new dad jokes to tell his two kids with Paris.
Un-celebrations: Took a good five years before he could fully enjoy his birthday after Paris broke up with him on his 20th.
Occupation: Works at a Washington, D.C. think tank
Current relationship status: Married to Zenon (no, really. IRL)
Current occupation: deceased
Where would he be in 2015?: Dating someone who learned about 9/11 from a very special episode of Sesame Street
In lieu of flowers: gives teen girlfriend Paris an antique printing press (posthumously)
Fashion favorite: those blazers with patches on the elbows
Favorite memory: the 1940s
Favorite emoji: 👴
Fun fact: played guitar on all of the “la las”
Favorite musical genre: Songs with girls’ names in them
Secret hobby: Writes vampire fiction
Favorite/Least favorite movie: From Here To Eternity
Most used emoji: 🎎
Where is he now: While pretending to be a Christian guitarist, he got inspired and now is a real-life Christian guitarist in a mega church’s worship band.
Net worth: One marriage jug
Current location: Chino
Celebrity crush: Leighton Meester
Current occupation: still not a doctor
Relationship status: married to a Korean doctor
Cutting the cord: Finally got that vasectomy for real after Sookie cursed him out while in labor with their child.
Career highlights: farmer, town selectman, former town selectman
Unrealized dreams: “Four in four” – unless that season 7 baby was actually twins. Yikes.
Favorite designer: Carhartt
Biggest fear: Getting caught for accidentally farming weed in ’06
Dislikes: tall women who have ears
Fun fact: has never swiped right
Most noticeable characteristic: resting bitch face
Unrealized dream: Newsie
Occupation: Is a contractor. Well, technically, works for a contractor as an assistant, but still calls himself a contractor.
Where is he now: after the legging craze took off, T.J. became the proprietor of a successful men’s tights boutique
Hometown: Not New York, actually.
Favorite word: Escrow (pronounced: ES-kher-oh)
Kids’ names: Doula, Gary Jr.
Favorite emoji: 🔨
Relationship status: secretly dating Dave Rygalski
Favorite sport: Krav maga. Ironically took the same class as Doyle until he and Paris moved away from Connecticut.
Favorite food: trail mix, peanuts, potato chips, basically any sort of party food
Favorite TV shows: Jeopardy!, The Bachelor franchise
Favorite pick-up location: Parent-teacher conferences; PTA bake sales
Movie he cannot watch: Runaway Bride
Current location: Went back to Stanford, tried to reunite with Diane, that lasted approx 2 months. Now teaches at Berkley, was involved with a woman named Sarah Braverman, and right when he was about to propose, she told him she couldn’t go through with it. Still looking for the “one”, but satisfied with his career as a teacher.
Fatal flaw: Not Luke
Where is he now: After breaking up with Lorelai for good, he realized he needed to get away from Connecticut for a while and moved to Santa Barbara with Gigi. He initially planned for it to be temporary so he could move back to CT to be close to Rory, but after she got the campaign job with Obama, he decided to stay put and has lived there ever since. He met a woman who works as an astrophysics professor at University of California, Santa Barbara, and they’ve been dating for years, but are in no rush to settle down.
Movie he cannot watch: Funny Face
Weird aversion: Light-up santas, outdoor nativity scenes
Emoji he uses when feeling threatened: 👊
Fatal flaw: Not Luke
Hobbies and interests: Fishing, coffee
Where is he now: Good question. Missing person: he just sort of faded away then disappeared. Nancy Grace is on it.
Medical Marvel: Alex is immune to the effects of caffeine.
Underused emoji: 🎣
Fatal flaw: Not Luke
Nickname: Digger, The Worst
Interests: Suing people, ruining things
Pets: Cyrus, the dog, who passed away in 2012. He had the animal taxidermied. There’s honestly no difference.
Relationship status: In a long-term relationship with a woman he met while on a business trip in China. They have an apartment in New York City – they sleep in separate beds.
Emoji doppelganger: 💩
Fatal flaw: Not Luke
Nicknames: Butch, Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat
Favorite possession: Canadian mountie hat
Favorite movie: Casablanca
Secret nobody knows: He uses his “Dark Day” as an excuse to go to a reggae concert and let his ‘Jah be Jah’.
Odd quirk: Hugging people then grabbing the back of their head before letting go.
Collections of interest: Star Trek memorabilia, a box of important items from his and Lorelai’s relationship
Emoji sequence Lorelai sends to Luke most often: 🍴💖☕️
Best quality: Being Luke.