Are No Cartoon Marriages Sacred?

If you are the kind of person who hates change, you would probably like being a cartoon character. Your whole wardrobe would be stocked with the same one outfit, it is usually the same vague season unless it is Christmas or Halloween, and you never move house (for more than an episode) because that would mean swapping your whole cast of characters. Oh, and if you were married, you stayed married.

That was before. Now the sanctity of cartoon marriage is under attack, and I, for one, will not stand for it. It started when news leaked of a Homer and Marge Simpson separation. They have children. And now Kermit and Miss Piggy? They don’t have children … thank God… and they aren’t technically cartoons, they’re puppets… but seriously, won’t someone think of the adults? We don’t like this either.

So from this point, I will not wait for the cartoon divorce announcements to come rolling in. These fake marriages are sacred, and if anyone is going to say whether or not they are still valid it should be me – an uninterested third party. So in the interest of my feelings, I am going to declare the following cartoon couples divorced so that the announcements can’t shock and traumatize me. It’s better this way.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse

Are they married, or are they brother and sister? I submit that the answer is both. I honestly always thought they were siblings, but according to Wikipedia I was wrong. But they obviously have a stagnant, sibling-like marriage. Plus there are like 25 different Google images of them in different wedding clothes, and any couple that has to get married that many times has something screwy going on.

Stu and Didi Pickles

Sure, ruin my whole childhood, why don’t we? Between Rugrats, the Simpsons, and the Muppets, we have now effectively annulled all of my youthful hopes and dreams. Plus some cartoon marriages. Yeah, I always thought Charlotte and Drew would go first, too.

Fred and Wilma Flintstone

You know what, kids? Or actually adults because this has been off the air for decades? They’ve been dead for like 10,00 years, anyway.

Roger and Jessica Rabbit

It’s a slippery slope. We start letting cartoon characters get divorced, and soon a cartoon humans will want to divorce cartoon rabbits. I just don’t think these two had much in common in the first place. Like a species.

Literally Just All Of The Disney Princess Couples

Ultimately, the fame imbalance got to them. It always does.

Bob and Linda Belcher

No, I actually can’t even joke about this.


7 thoughts on “Are No Cartoon Marriages Sacred?

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