It’s no secret – I love flash-in-the-pan social media obsessions. I thought “The Dress” was a lot of fun, and Azeem’s Flute Recital was the event of Spring 2015. To be clear: I like these memes for the 1-3 days that they are happening. When people try to make jokes about them after that I’m like “no, we already did that.” I like them because, first of all, except for a few trolls in Reddit’s sub-dungeons, people tend to keep their jokes really positive. These brief obsessions are usually refreshingly free of cynicism and mocking. The worst people said about “the dress” was that it was ugly, and as for Azeem, well, he seems to be a promising young man with some real musical chops.
The primary reason I love these social media gab-fests, though: I like when everyone is talking about the same thing. During The Dress, I said that it was like being in fifth grade and the substitute teacher farted. And what could be more fifth grade than the never-ending drama of Best Friend Breakups?
In case you missed it, this week a viral Facebook post by Asif, a 20-something man from Pakistan, announced that he was no longer best friends with Mudasir. Salman was his BFF, now. And not just that: he announced it with Word Art. Be still my lighthearted internet drama-loving heart!
Suck it, Mudasir. You’ve received the Microsoft Paint neon green X of defriending. And there’s more! Read Asif’s description in the Sidebar:
Point: Mudasir only has that one red polo.
Counterpoint: We don’t know which one Salman is. Better one crisp red polo than a closet full of rumpled white collarless shirts, I always say. Besides, it looks like a work polo.
Point: Mudasir has a masculine yet casual stance, suggesting that he is not just the superior friend but the superior person.
Counterpoint: Maybe … too superior? Maybe proudy?
Point: Salman is a Johnny-come-lately. Mudasir has proven himself with years of best friendship. Surely one little mistake didn’t merit the Microsoft Paint neon green X of defriending!
Counterpoint: Salman has a firm, trustworthy handshake. You can tell a lot about a man’s character by his handshake.
Point: According to a late-breaking Twitter report by Asif, Mudasir caused the break-up by reporting one of Asif’s Facebook photos.
Counterpoint: Do you know how many Facebook and Instagram posts I have almost accidentally reported?
Point: There’s something mighty shady about a person who superimposes their photo in front of a brick wall. Right? The one on the right looks like a green screen. What are you hiding, Mudasir?
Counterpoint: Mudasir and his former friend Asif obviously enjoy tinkering with the kinds of photo and text editing programs that come pre-installed on Dell laptops. This is common ground and evidence that their friendship should stand firm.
Point: I will let Asif’s Facebook comment speak for me: Mudasir, you don’t know how to be a friend. If you think friendship is a toy then you will get a toy in return, now go away.
Counterpoint: “To have a friend, you have to be a friend, starting with yourself.” “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” These are both signs that hung in my elementary school classrooms, and they were right. Asif — ASIF HIMSELF — is the one who doesn’t know how to be a friend. A friend forgives! Good luck, Salman. One mistake, and Asif is going to Word Art you out of his life.