Goosebumps Books That Give You Anything But

I’m not particularly one for being scared. I don’t make it a habit of watching horror films and you won’t see me participating in one of those haunted mazes. When I was younger, I thought going on haunted hayrides and watching “scary movies” were fun, but my coping mechanism was to laugh off everything. HAHA THAT CREEPY STRANGER IN A MASK IS FOLLOWING US WITH A CHAINSAW THAT’S HILARIOUS AND MY KIND OF COMEDY. False. This is the exact opposite of what I wanted and needed in my life.

As a result, I pretended to watch every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? (I’ve seen a handful, because some of them are actually frightening) and also bought Goosebumps books from the Scholastic paper “catalog” but only really read one or two of them. Many say there are a number of R.L. Stine classics that really are spooky, but let’s leave it to them to critique. I’m here to echo my younger self’s sentiments and cope with the scariness that is Goosebumps by poking fun of the books themselves. The contents of the novels may have been horrific, but some of these titles are laughable more than anything else.

Why I’m Afraid of Bees

In my head, scary books or movies have titles that are intriguing to the consumer, that make you want to know more, but is inherently frightening. Like The Blair Witch Project or I Know What You Did Last Summer or The Evil Dead. Why I’m Afraid of Bees just sounds like a three-page paper a 9 year old wrote in science class about his summer in the Vineyard.

Go Eat Worms!

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!

My Hairiest Adventure

A cautionary tale about puberty, probably.

Say Cheese and Die – Again!

… Die… AGAIN, THO?

Beware of the Purple Peanut Butter

Maybe the peanut butter just got too mixed with the jelly? IDK, just an idea.

A Shocker on Shock Street

Honestly, it’s your own damn fault if you go to “Shock Street” and expect something other than death or a good fright when you go there.

How I Learned to Fly

That same 9 year old wrote a follow-up essay, and it’s part of Batman’s secret origin story.

Bad Hare Day

Puns, amirite?

Calling All Creeps!

Do we, as a society, use the word ‘creeps’ enough? I feel like we don’t. In which case, I’d like to call on everyone to reach out to the creeps. But not like, actual creeps. Just the word. Okay, good talk.

My Best Friend Is Invisible

My best friend is invisible too, so honestly this book does not scare me at all. Also if my invisible BFF was ordering pizza, that’s definitely not a nightmare, but rather a dream.