Some advice to all of you in Winter Storm Jo-Bros, from somebody from one of the snowiest cities in America:
- Calm down, it’s not that serious. At least you aren’t in snowy Wisconsin in a town full of murderers (see: scary things about Making A Murderer, other than the murder).
- But also just don’t drive if you don’t need to. You can basically make up what happens in all of this year’s Best Picture nominees if you haven’t seen them, so no need to rush to the theater (mostly, white people with hopes, dreams or obstacles; triumph of the human spirit; Leonardo DiCaprio in the woods).
- How much milk, bread and eggs do you actually GO THROUGH in a couple days? Practically zero. So skip the grocery trip, or buy some frozen pizzas, ice cream and sugary cereal and make it a weekend-long slumber party instead. (Although, there are so many Chicago ___ shows that the next one will probably be Chicago Corner Store, and during sweeps week a storm hits and they run out of milk and the customers revolt).
- Keep kitty litter, sidewalk salt and a shovel INSIDE your house. There are always those bozos snowed in because their shovel is in the garage and they can’t open the door (my region gets 5-foot lake effect drifts, I know what I’m talking about). You don’t want to be that bozo.
- But you can always HELP those bozos, if they’re your neighbors. The fun part of storms is pitching in and connecting with your community, because as they say in High School Musical, a newly 10-year-old tv movie that you can watch on Netflix if you’re snowed in, we’re all in this together.
- Speaking of the Jonas Brothers, Nick Jonas is old enough that you don’t have to feel bad that he’s really, really hot now.
- Also the Jonas Brothers breakup was totally predictable if you just paid attention to their lyrics.
- Stuck in the storm and want to go for a run? Here are your step-by-step instructions. Bottom line: maybe just don’t.
- Cardinal rule of driving in the snow: don’t be a dick. Also slow down. Way down.
- Have you ever noticed that pro-snow culture is targeting CHILDREN now?! And that snow forts are just practice for adulthood drudgery? And that Narnia was a magical land that just looked like outside?
Seriously, everyone in the storm’s path, stay safe and warm. I know how scary it can be driving on slick roads even if you’re used to it, and how disheartening it can be to shovel for hours only to find the area you cleared out is covered in snow again. Up here, we never panic about snow because we know we can handle it. Maybe that’s the best advice there is: know that you’re stronger and smarter than Winter Storm Jonas Brothers, and you’ll be just fine.