We are now 1/4 of the way through 2016, the real-life version of the “sounds fake but ok” meme. Here’s a fun game: try to explain the state of your life, or the world … without using the words “shambles,” “silly” or “bonkers.” Can’t do it, right?
Neither of us are April Fools fans (because pranks are just jokes for people who aren’t funny) but this year, I’m ready for it. I’m ready for the universe to call “April Fools” on the past 3 months. 2016 is a total joke, and maybe today we’ll hear a big old-fashioned ‘psych!’ for the following:
The Trump Candidacy
I’ll admit it: until several months ago, I was the person shushing everybody who was getting all tied up in knots about the Trump candidacy. I figured it was obviously a joke or a stunt or a whim or… something! As time wore on I realized this was a very real situation. But what if it isn’t? What if Trump kept going farther and farther – making Mexico pay for a fence? Telling us he could shoot someone and get support? – all the while thinking “okay, NOW maybe everyone will figure out it’s a joke?” What I’m saying is, maybe this is all a prank that Trump’s going to back out of today, 4/1/2016, please.
As my mother used to say when my siblings and I were fighting, “I don’t care who started it. I care who ends it.” I can’t think of a single reason that Louis Tomlinson, or Brianna Whatever, or the child itself don’t just do a DNA test and put this baby to bed. I’m tired. Louis (according to the paparazzi photos showing up every other day in the Daily Mail) is tired. Baby Freddie is tired (because he’s a baby, and babies get sleepy, right?). Let’s all hope for an April Fools announcement that they actually sorted all of this out months ago like any adult under similar circumstances would have done, and have just been trolling gossip media ever since.
This whole hiring 22-year-olds as social media managers thing has gone TOO FAR. Maybe this was an April Fools prank, delivered a few days early?
(Also, who genuinely uses the 1-10 scale except for douche-bros on Return Of Kings? Of course I would say that, I’m a soft 5 at best.)
I found myself singing along to both Sorry and Love Yourself in the car and drumming on my steering wheel days before learning that the songs were by human rattail, Justin Bieber. I’ll admit it: the new Bieber album is a really good pop album, even if he is a twerp. Maybe today is the day Biebs announces that his antics of the past 4 or so years were just a long, Andy Kaufman-y piece of performance art.
Please, please let this be a viral campaign from a toupee line and not real life. The baby is very cute, but I didn’t have that much hair until I was 5. My youngest niece finally has another hair for a hair clip – not a ponytail, a clip – at 21 months. I feel bad, my small niece feels bad, AMERICA feels bad. I hope this Low Self Esteem baby is fake, because I cannot handle it otherwise.
Election Coverage In General
Between the twitter wars between candidates, heavy attention on every candidate’s tiniest movement, and 24-hour-news “breaking stories,” this has all got to be fake, right? Perhaps today CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and the rest will announce that all of that was surely a joke, and they’re going back to reporting only things that are news.
The 2016 NCAA Tournament
I just feel like everyone’s brackets are doing really poorly. Let’s start over.
I don’t know what’s worse: a kindly older man’s grandkids not showing up for family dinner, or a kindly older man’s grandkids not showing up for family dinner and it making international news. I was very happy to hear that it was all a scheduling misunderstanding and Pawpaw hung out with his grandkids the next week, because I’m the person who can’t even get all the way through Eleanor Rigby without crying for all the lonely people. What would be better, though, is the whole thing being a lie and Pawpaw didn’t have that sad dinner in the first place.
Jon Lovitz and Jessica Lowndes fake-dated, perfectly illustrating why we hate pranks. What was the point of that? It wasn’t even funny, and Lovitz is a comedian. If comedians can’t make pranks funny, nobody can. What would actually be better is if for April Fools Day, they revealed that the “it’s a prank” line was the prank, and they are together, because honestly who cares?
Leo finally won his Oscar, one of the only not-completely-stupid parts of 2016. But would it be too much for my OTP-before-OTP-was-a-thing, Kate and Leo, to reveal that they’re an item? Titanic was filmed 20 years ago. Enough is enough.
(Okay, real talk, I’m actually more into them as a buddy duo anyway.)
2016 is the year we turn 30 (2016 is also the year everything turns 30), so the 90s were our prime growing up years. The 90s revival is a lot of fun: I’m about 2/3 of the way through Fuller House, and it’s awesome to get to wear the 90s clothes that I was too young for the first time around. Except, well, seeing all of these teens in 90s garb really makes me feel like an antique when I realize they were born post-Y2K. So, maybe the fashion and pop culture worlds can finally admit that the 90s aren’t cool in a retro way, they’re cool because they’re so very recent that they’re still fresh and new and people who remember them aren’t elderly.