Ah, neighbors. Through no effort or failing of your own, you may end up living next to your best friends, cordial acquaintances, or raucous cat-hoarders. Celebrity neighbors raise the stakes a bit. Best-case scenario, you are treated to first-hand knowledge of someone who other normies learn about from tumblr and entertainment magazines. Heck, you may even GET their entertainment magazines if you have a bad mailman. However, your celebrity neighbor could just as well be a waking nightmare … but worse: a nightmare with money and constant affirmation.
The Celebrity Neighbor phenomenon came to our attention this week in the form of Jake Paul, an internet twerp. Mr. Paul is a legal adult who makes tons of money though his often noisy and dangerous Instagram pranks, terrorizing his residential neighborhood in the process.
He says “dab” and then dabs, a move I scolded my 10-year-old nephew for doing just last night not because it’s bad, but because it’s a played-out and that’s embarrassing. In the moment Mr. Paul climbs on to the news van, he resembles nothing so much as a toddler who knows his parents won’t tell him no – like he should have grubby Cheerio hands and a name like Cooper. He exclaims “what are thoooooose” because a newscaster is wearing brown shoes. In short, Paul is a silly person I wouldn’t want to live near.
Still, some celebrities would make fine neighbors. To sort out the bad from the good, we’re going to Goofus and Gallant this situation. Feel free to read this in the waiting room of a pediatric dentist, as Goofus and Gallant was meant to be consumed.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors throw eggs at houses.
- Good Celebrity Neighbors let you borrow an egg if you run out when you’re baking.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors disturb you with their bird’s “Pteredactyl-like screams”
- Good Celebrity Neighbors feed your cat when you go out of town for the weekend.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors blame each other for causing landslides on their property.
- Good Celebrity Neighbors just kind of leave dirt and landmasses where they are supposed to be.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors takes a chainsaw to your patio (then, worst of all, declare “It’s called a sledgehammer, dawg”).
- Good Celebrity Neighbors invite you to their patio parties.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors flood your apartment with their shark tank (however indirectly).
- Good Celebrity Neighbors really don’t have sharks.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors threaten to molest your dog.
- Good Celebrity Neighbors bring their puppies over for you to cuddle.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors throw fruit at you like you are an old-timey Vaudeville Act that they aren’t enjoying.
- Good Celebrity Neighbors offer you some vegetables when their garden is over-productive.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors drunkenly wander into your house to sleep (then make funny faces at your child during arrest)
- Good Celebrity Neighbors read your children Goldilocks during playdates instead of drunk-Goldilocksing their bed.
- Bad Celebrity Neighbors moon you during an argument.
- Good Celebrity Neighbors also moon you during an argument. Butts are funny.