Hi, Adult Ladies!
At 30 years old, I haven’t had this much trouble dressing myself since I was a toddler in the 1900s -and we have internet listicles to blame. Everywhere I look it’s “30 Things You Need To Toss By 30” and “20 Things Women Over 30 Should Stop Wearing Immediately.” Job interview suit? Apparently I should trade it in for some big pants. Body-con dresses? Not my style – but if they were, it would be time to swap it for one that goes all the way down my back for some reason.
I hate to generate more confusion for my 30-and-up pals, but I can write things on the internet, too. Here are the 30 things that I, personally, think you should stop wearing by age 30.:
1. One Half Of A Locket You Were Given At Birth Before You Were Sent To The Orphanage
Hire a private investigator, Ashley. Make a shareable Facebook post. WHATEVER. It’s time.
2. An Ebenezer Scrooge-Style Nightcap
You know those long floppy hats people used to sleep in in the 1700s? SUCH a 20s move. Unless you work in a living history museum or your head is chilly or you like it.
3. Bug Spray
We’re old now. Just let the bugs bite you. Winter will fall soon enough.
4. A Cursed Gemstone
You’ve GOT to get that thing exorcised, Jessica. We’ve told you.
5. Moon Shoes As Regular Shoes
Have I wanted shoes that were tiny trampolines for my feet since 1995? Yes. Do I wear them to the office? No, Brittany. The rest of us DO NOT WEAR THEM TO THE OFFICE.
6. Masks On Regular Days
If you wear a mask, and it’s not Halloween or Mardi Gras or a costume party or V for Vendetta, and there’s not medical reason, I’m going to think you have something to hide — and that thing is your face.
7. Your Prom Dress, To Work
8. Your Work Dress, To Prom
9. Brass Knuckles But Made Of Ring Pops
Although getting hit by candy-slobber might be even worse than getting straight-up hit with brass knuckles. Never mind. As you were.
10. Stolen Clothing
Not that I necessary believe in bad karma, but I do and this is.
11. A Smile On Command
Anyone who tells you to smile deserves a frown.
12. Your Childhood D.A.R.E. Shirt, Ironically
They were so earnest, you know?
13. A Skirtless Bathing Suit
Like how little boys would be breeched in Victorian times or how marriageable girls would wear their hair up… also in Victorian times, skirted bathing suits are a fashion rite of passage. Nothing hides a three-decades-old butt like the world’s smallest skirt. I don’t make the rules.
[Note: I find bathing suit skirts cute. It’s happening.]
Oh, you can wear them, but we have to call them slacks now.
15. Old Lady Makeup From A Play
On stage, fine. Off stage, we are TOO OLD FOR THIS. Someone could really think you’ve lived a lot of years.
16. A BE -FRI Necklace If You Aren’t Still ST -ENDS With Whoever Has The Other Half
No one wants to be the ST -ENDS so I assume you’re not wearing that.
17. Your Friend’s Glasses To See How They Look
Why do you keep trying on your friends’ glasses to see how they look when you know you can only see a blur? Molly. You’ve done this since you were 5. Learn a lesson.
[I’m Molly, yes.]
18. A Character Costume As A Disney Guest
This is actually real. Adult guests cannot dress up as characters at Disney. To think I’ll never experience the Bibidi Bobidi Boutique…
19. Kleenex Box Shoes
Find your shoes, your house is a mess.