Kentucky Derby Winner Based on Name Alone

It’s hat fanatics’ favorite holiday on Saturday, that’s right it’s the 141st annual Kentucky Derby, where people dress up and horses race a bit and gamblers lose money. To be honest, I know nothing about the Kentucky Derby. My sports knowledge is limited to begin with, so when it comes to horse racing, it’s pretty much nil. So clearly I have no business giving my opinion on what’s going to happen/who’s going to win the coveted prize (of a… huge wreath?) but I’m going to give you it anyways. Based on science. Actual science. Science called ‘judgement’.

I frankly don’t care who crosses the finish line first, however, I do care about the ridiculous names that jockeys and owners give the horses that could make headlines ’round the world for a first place win. Again, using SCIENCE, here’s who is probably going to win the Kentucky Derby. I’m gonna go put some money on this right now, because that’s how confident I am in my predictions.*

*This is completely bullshit – if you lose money based on my list, pls refer to this.

10) Firing Line

Is Firing Line supposed to be intimidating? Like, if you go up against him, is the threat of death by gun enough to make you go slower in the race?

9) Materiality

In full disclosure, I had to research if ‘materiality’ is a real word or not. Turns out it is. And it means ‘the quality of being relevant or significant’. I feel like just having the quality of being significant isn’t enough. It’s like, believe in yourself, horse. You are Significant. Signif. That’s your new name.

8) American Pharoah

Per our post from Tuesday, you know that we were/are theatre nerds. I was in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and if you’ve never seen it, just know that the Pharoah of Egypt is Elvis. Or like an Elvis wannabe. So although the Pharoah in Joseph is from Egypt, for some reason when I hear the phrase ‘American Pharoah’, I think of Pharoah Elvis from Joesph. Does that make sense? I mean Pharoah Elvis doesn’t make sense, so it’s fine.

7) War Story

Do you think War Story has a secret rivalry with War Horse? Not the movie/play War Horse, Jimmy Fallon’s War Horse.

6) Mubtaahij

Besides the fact I have no idea how to pronounce this horse’s name, I think his chances are higher because of its trainer’s name: Mike de Kock. I’m 12.

5) Mr. Z

Ok, so if War Story ISN’T related to War Horse, there’s gotta be a slight possibility that this horse was either inspired by/owned/trained by Jay Z, which means I’m putting at least a dollar on him winning. Tidal aside, Jay’s got a good streak with business ventures.

4) Keen Ice

This horse just sounds cool, yanno what I mean?

3) Itsaknockout

#Itsaknockout #KentuckyDerbyWinner #ItsACelebrationBitchez#WeDoinShots  #ImGoingToDisneyWorld #EatMyDustMubtaahij

2) Metaboss

Apparently Metaboss can only compete if there’s a defection in the top 20, whatever that means. So basically he really doesn’t have great odds of winning, but honestly, with a name like Metaboss, it’s pretty clear who the real winner is.

1) Ocho Ocho Ocho

Is it because his name is in Spanish? Is it because Ocho is used thrice, because one Ocho wasn’t enough? Is it because I lived on the eighth floor dorm freshman year of college and we called it The Ocho? Is it because I think OCHO OCHO OCHO CROSSES THE FINISH LINE would sound really awesome? Or is it just because I have a gut feeling about him winning? All of the above. Buena suerte Ocho Ocho Ocho! Espero que gana!

Honorable Mentions:

Frosted, International Star, Firespike, Carpe Diem

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Gilbert Blythe, Dream Man Or D-Bag: C+S Book Club

Gilbert Blythe just died again. I say again because, had the fictional Gilbert been a real person, he’d be about 120 years old, and sorry friends – or sore-y, Canadian friends – there’s just no way. But for a lot of us, Gilbert lived and breathed through the 1980s CBC Anne Of Green Gables movies. Jonathan Crombie was a Toronto youth acting in school plays when he was cast as Gilbert, and he made the character more lovable than I think he even was on the page.

When Crombie died earlier this month, we lost a little bit of Gilbert Blythe. Ah, but which Gilbert Blythe? Things aren’t always black and white in Avonlea (don’t get me wrong, Avonlea is  very, very white, insomuch that Anne’s red hair is a real exotic shot of diversity). In a previous C+S Book Club installment, we dispelled the idea of Marilla Cuthbert as a kindly yet stern benefactress: in my heart, she is first and foremost a creepy church hag. Likewise, one could argue that Gilbert Blythe is an early 1900s dream man – but just as easily, he could be an old-timey sarsaparilla-scented burlap douchebag. Let’s discuss.

Gilbert Blythe, D-Bag

I’ll defer to our Anne of Green Gables synopsis from our last post about the book: “Published in 1908, Lucy Maud Montgomery’s story is a timeless tale of orphans and family and imagination and screwing up your hair and dreams and getting your friend drunk by accident and Canada and Canadians and will they/won’t they romance and child-buying. Especially child-buying. When Anne, a plucky carrot-topped orphan with a heart of gold, ends up in Green Gables, she brings love, light, and happiness to Matthew and Marilla, a brother and sister who are married or whatever. ” Today, we look into the romance in question, between Anne – a child nobody has ever loved, who longs to achieve despite an early childhood deprived of education – and Gilbert, a boy who has parents and stuff but is still really mean to the orphan who wasn’t allowed to go to school.

I mean, Gilbert. First of all. Your top academic rival is a little girl who had to raise a litter of Garbage Pail twins and talk to herself in the woods instead of going to school. You think she’s weird? I don’t know, maybe it’s because her only childhood friend was herself, in a mirror. Then she finally gets to interact with humans and basically manages not to seem like a feral child – success! And you mock her, day 1. Kind of a dick move, Blythe.

If you’ve forgotten, Gilbert called Anne “carrots” and pulled her hair. Here’s something boys don’t seem to get: it hurts when you pull hair, because that shit is hooked onto your scalp. Also, “carrots” is sort of a juvenile insult for a thirteen-year-old. Oh, what’s that? Isn’t Anne 11? Yeah, she is – but Gilbert missed school for a few years to help out his sick dad or something. If Anne of Green Gables were a 1980s sitcom that’s the part where Anne would scream “Yeah? Well at least you HAVE a father!” and storm off. But the point is, at thirteen it’s pretty pathetic to have to make fun of a child two years younger than you, much less one who is the indentured servant of a mean old bag and an elderly man who’s afraid of her. I’m sure it’s in part due to Gilbert’s teasing that Anne dyed her hair green that one time.

In our last Anne Of Green Gables post, I posited that we could call an Anne and Gilbert post “Anne And Gilbert: Shit Or Get Off The Pot,” or alternately, “Anne And Gilbert: When You Hate Someone It’s Probably Not Because You Secretly Love Them.” If you’re a young lady, I want you to repeat that last title to yourself a few times until it really sinks in. When you hate someone, it’s probably not because you secretly love them. Also, if a boy treats you like garbage it’s probably because he’s garbage, not because he’s in love with you and doesn’t know how to show it. What nonsense is that? But people believe it, and maybe Anne and Gilbert are a little to blame. Or maybe …. maybe she liked him for a reason. Maybe, just maybe, he was the dirtbag of her dreams.

Gilbert Blythe, Dream Man

First of all, in Gilbert’s defense, Anne is kind of an idiot. We know that she grew up in shacks and orphanages, and we aren’t saying it’s her fault she’s an idiot, but she still is. It’s like when that homeschooled kid whose parents forgot to socialize her would transfer to your school, and she just didn’t grasp social norms. You understood that she was struggling with the whole… milieu, or what have you…. but that didn’t mean you particularly wanted to hang out on weekends (don’t worry, I know, #NotAllHomeschoolers).

So, yeah, he did call her carrots. She was particularly sensitive about her red hair, so I do get that. But that was ONE TIME. Chill, Anne. You’re going to let that follow you for your entire high school experience, or whatever you call high school when it’s a one-room schoolhouse and your teacher is banging Prissy Andrews? He pulled your hair, he didn’t kill your parents. He couldn’t because you don’t have any. As far as insults go, carrots is pretty weak. Hair-pulling is admittedly shitty, but holy cow, Anne broke a slate over his head. Slates were what chalkboards were made of before Pinterest invented chalkboard paint, and those things had sharp edges. Disproportional use of force, Anne. Jeez. Anything stupid Gilbert did after that point is probably because you concussed him.

Also, Gilbert isn’t the one who declared an academic rivalry; that was all Anne. And when you really think about it, she picked the kid who had been out of school for two years taking care of a parent (pressed much?). Talk about low-hanging fruit.

Anne didn’t really chill out until Gilbert saved her life. Gilbert wouldn’t have had to save Anne’s life if she hadn’t set herself off down a body of water pretending to be a poem. Classic Anne, y’all. Also I was joking that it’s Gilbert’s fault she dyed her hair green; that was her own shit.

My take? As a kid, I was firmly in the Gilbert Blythe, D-Bag camp. He reminded me of boys who would make fun of me for having red hair, or freckles, or reading too much. But now I see that Anne needs to get a damn grip. A lot of people are kind of awful when they’re 13. I’d go so far as to say that most kids hit a developmental stage of just being horrible people somewhere around middle school. So Gilbert made fun of you one time? Meh. No big. I’m glad that Anne eventually realized that he had a good heart, sharp mind, and awesome hair so their six kids weren’t all total carrots. And considering they named their son Shirley, those kids needed all the help they could get.

 

Playlist of the Month: Songs From Musicals We’ve Been In

Ah, the first breath of spring. In high schools across the nation, now is the time for students to work together to create something bigger than themselves, to forge new friendships and let their talents shine. Baseball season? Nah. Prom planning? Please. It’s high school musical season!

We spent the first years of our friendship hanging out in our high school’s auditorium during musical rehearsals. We had snacks from a special “junk food locker” (an abandoned locker that we stocked with bulk candy) and played Bullshit and Spoons with the young, pre-gay gay boys we were friends with. Before high school, we were both big fish in our respective theater ponds, and being in chorus and dance company roles just felt so wrong, but we were still happy to be involved in a show.

Even the songs still stick with you years later. In honor of those hardworking theater kids in Hell Week for Grease or Man Of La Mancha right now, here are some songs from musicals we’ve been in – songs we still get stuck in our head over a decade later.

Check out the entire playlist on Spotify!

Molly’s Picks

Feel So Near – Some Weird Play From My Childhood

When I was a kid, I was in this odd, somewhat avant garde youth theater company. I mean, of course I was. For a few years our plays were these adaptations of obscure folk tales with minimalist staging and costuming and kabuki-inspired makeup. A chorus of children sang this folksy tune by Dougie MacLean and what do you know, it sounds pretty good sung by a chorus of children. I’m including this as a nod to my weird childhood.

Oh What A Beautiful Morning – I Seriously Cannot Remember What Play This Was

Oh, cool, Oklahoma? Nope. Just some random play I was in that rather inexplicably included the song Oh What A Beautiful Morning. Again, it was a strange childhood, theater-wise.

The Boy Next Door – Meet Me In St. Louis

In eighth grade, a group of 10-15 local Catholic schools got together to put on a mega-musical. It was like an awkward plaid dream team, and I was thrilled to land in the principal cast. Because I’ve been the same person my whole life, you won’t be surprised to learn that it was the comic relief character, who was an Irish maid. But I had a solo and I was very pleased and honored to finally be in a play where I wasn’t wearing white pancake makeup and a black turtleneck.

I Can’t Be Bothered Now – Crazy For You

When I was a kid my sister had the cassette tape of the Crazy For You soundtrack, and I thought it was just about the best thing ever. [A note: during my sister’s high school tenure our school was putting on, like, Gilbert & Sullivan operettas. Rough.] I know the concept of compiling a bunch of Gershwin’s best tunes into a loosely conceived plot is probably, technically, bad, but our school put this on our junior year and years later, I can barely decide which song to include.

On The Street Where You Live – My Fair Lady

Senior year, we performed My Fair Lady and I learned that when it doesn’t involve Audrey Hepburn or Julie Andrews, I really don’t care for My Fair Lady. But we had fun with it – I remember sitting in English class singing Ascot Gavotte with extra-plummy accents because as seniors, and I guess as people, we just didn’t care. In true Lerner and Loewe fashion each number is catchier than the last,  but I’m including On The Street Where You Live because I remember my mom singing it when I was little, and in fourth grade I thought it was THE perfect song for my grade school crush. Yes, like so many theater kids before and after me, I was maybe just a little dramatic.

Traci’s Picks

Embraceable You – Crazy For You

Like Molly said, I could barely decide which song to include because every song was a classic. I legit changed my mind about which one to put on the list three times. Crazy For You was the first time I was really exposed to music of this era – that I actually paid attention to. Lo and behold, I took a liking to it. Since the musical is a bunch of Gershwin songs put together, this one is from Girl Crazy, as seen here by Judy Garland and a bunch of strapping young men. Swoonworthy.

Something Good – The Sound of Music

Okay, I’m cheating a bit. This song wasn’t included in the OG Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, which is the version I was in, but rather was added for the film that we all know and love. After the movie, however, this song was included in some revivals of the show so it counts. The version by Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer is stunning and simple, like a reflection of their love *awwww cheesy stfu*

Close Every Door – Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat

Like Molly said, we were “big fish” in our respective little ponds, and for me, that pond was my church. We used to put on full musical productions (and were kind of really good and well known for it in the immediate community?) so it’s not like me in a basement naming all the colors of Joseph’s coat. Anyways, this show marked my first “big” role – I was a Narrator. Emphasis on A, because I was one of 6 HAHAHA. When I would listen to Donny Osmond’s version of the soundtrack, I was obsessed with Close Every Door, particularly the last 45ish seconds when he does the key change and the riffs at the end – changed my life. Also, that’s when I retroactively developed a crush on Donny Osmond way past his prime. IDK you guys, I was a weird kid.

I Don’t Need Anything But You – Annie

Annie is like a rite of passage for any theatre kid, including this AZN one right here. I obviously wasn’t Annie, and by the time I did the show, I was too old to be an orphan, so I was a servant/the “Star-to-Be” aka the solo in NYC aka the part OG Annie Andrea McArdle plays in the Audra McDonald verz of Annie. This song always struck me as a super sweet tune between Annie and Daddy Warbucks, and was just filled with positivity about the future. She’ll learn soon enough.

Beautiful City – Godspell

Again, I guess this is cheating a bit, since Beautiful City wasn’t included in the original 1971 Off-Broadway cast recording, which is the soundtrack we went by when my church did the show. It was the first real musical I was ever in, and I’m kinda sad that this song wasn’t included. The song was written for the 1972 film, starring Victor Garber as the big JC, and the version above is from the 2011 Broadway revival starring Hunter Parrish as Jesus. When I first heard this, it was probably a mix of me not being too familiar with it and the fact that I was stunned by how beautiful Hunter’s voice is. It’s a haunting song that still holds up in 2015. Fun fact: My friends walked down the aisle to this song. Not creepy, really cute and made me cry.

This Is Not Journalism: Best Dressed Of The Nerd Prom

When Hillary Clinton officially announced her candidacy, I was 97% excited and 3% bummed. That 3% was because I knew that from this point onward, we were in for journalistic masterpieces like Pantsuit Watch 2016. At this weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Cecily Strong solved that problem once and for all:

 

It should go without saying that a public figure’s appearance is not news – unless she makes it news. One time when that happens is on the red carpet: part of the deal is that celebrities help promote their designers by mentioning who they’re wearing. We’ll be the first to admit that there’s a home for fashion commentary online – we love outfits so much that we have a post category called Outfit Girl, after all. But what would it look like if journalists paid the barest attention to fashion – just the facts – then switched over to the stuff that really matters? Let’s try it out with the top looks from the White House Correspondent’s dinner.

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is a Harvard-educated lawyer wearing a metallic silver dress by Zac Posen. Her Let’s Move! campaign endeavors to reverse the childhood obesity epidemic in the U.S. by promoting exercise and a healthy diet. She has publicly backed economic stimulus packages, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay act, and LGBT equality, and has made a number of diplomatic trips in the capacity of First Lady. It is an unpaid position, and her hair looks awesome curly.

Cecily Strong

Cecily Strong made her SNL debut at the age of 28, and quickly gained popularity for her off-the-wall characters like the Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party. Strong has a BFA in fine arts from CalArts and will be a Ghostbuster next year. This year she served as host of the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and her appearance was so hilarious that you should just watch the whole thing here. You can locate the funniest jokes by finding which ones nobody laughs at because they’re not sure if they’re allowed to. Here she is in a black and purple gown by J.Mendel and some strong eye makeup, mere hours before absolutely killing it in front of Washington and Hollywood elite.

Gina Rodriguez

Gina Rodriguez is the Golden Globe-winning star of Jane The Virgin, and she used her Globes acceptance speech to express thanks to the Latino community and call out the need for more, and more varied, representation of Latinos in the media. Rodriguez said “This award is so much more than myself, it represents a culture that wants to see themselves as heroes […] My father used to tell me to say every morning, ‘Today is going to be a great day. I can and I will.’ Well, Dad — Today is a great day. I can and I did.” At the White House Correspondents’ dinner, Rodriguez wore a rose-colored Gustav Cadile gown.

Idina Menzel

Idina Menzel is a Tony-winning actress who has also appeared on film and in television, but you may know her best as the voice of Elsa in Frozen … or as Maureen from Rent or Elphaba from Wicked; I guess that depends on your demographic. In addition to her impressive list of stage credits, Menzel created the A BroaderWay Foundation with then-husband Taye Diggs to support disadvantaged youth in the arts. At the WHCD, Menzel sported blonder-than-usual hair, perfect for her upcoming summer-long world tour.  She wore a Monique Lhuillier gown; clutch is by Judith Leiber and jewels are by Jacob & Co.

Lucy Liu

Lucy Liu, an actress known for her roles in Ally McBeal, Southland and Elementary, is also an accomplished visual artist who is fluent in Mandarin. Liu has worked to spread knowledge about human trafficking, as well as serving as a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign. Here she is discussing the importance of representation in television:

Also, that sparkly gown is to die for.

Jane Fonda

This sequin gown by Donna Karan is reminiscent of Jane Fonda’s costumes in her breakout role in the 1968 film Barbarella. Since then, Fonda has won two Oscars and built an exercise video empire which – speaking of outfits – popularized that 80s aerobic gear that looks like nothing so much as a full-body wedgie. After sparking controversy for opposing the Vietnam War and supporting the Black Panthers, Fonda’s activism efforts have included establishing the Jane Fonda Center for Adolescent Reproductive Health at Emory University and participating in anti-Iraq War protests.

Ashley Judd

It’s been a rough couple months for Ashley Judd on the internet, so first something positive: she looks fantastic in this Badgley Mischka gown. Missed the online controversy? After posting some rather innocuous tweets in support of her alma mater’s basketball team – the Kentucky Wildcats – Judd faced a deluge of vulgar and threatening messages from mean-spirited trolls. As people who write stuff on the internet, we wouldn’t wish this kind of attack on anybody. However, Judd has spoken out on the inadequacies of platforms like Twitter in dealing with threats, sparking a discussion of how scary and upsetting online bullying can be – and this high-profile commentary just might help change things for the better. This isn’t the only cause Judd supports: she is on the board of directors of YouthAIDS and the  Leadership Council of the International Center for Research on Women.

Connie Britton

On Friday Night Lights, Connie Britton played the fantastic Tami Taylor, my favorite Texan I’m not related to. In real life, Britton is a Dartmouth grad with a resume including television (FNL, Nashville), theater, and film. Outside of her day job, she is a goodwill ambassador with the United Nations Development Programme. Gown by Halston Heritage.

Laverne Cox

If you don’t know who Laverne Cox is, that means you haven’t seen Orange Is The New Black – so first things first, queue it up on Netflix and you won’t regret it. Cox, a graduate of Marymount Manhattan College, was the first openly transgender person to be nominated for an acting Emmy. She has participated in a number of interviews and documentaries to promote understanding and dispel misconceptions about trans people, and speaking of visibility, will you look at her in this silver Ines Di Santo gown?

Barack Obama

Barack Obama, best known as the President Of The United States, is wearing a classic black tux with a bow tie and a flash of white pocket square. Shirt buttons are a dark contrast – mother of pearl, perhaps? – and the lapel is accessorized with a Tiny American Flag Pin. When he isn’t dazzling crowds with red-carpet panache, President Obama is expanding Americans’ access to health care through the Affordable Care Act, tackling financial reform with the passage of the Dodd-Frank act, shoring up the post-recession economy with economic stimuli, and Obama still has time to raise two teenagers and play the occasional pickup game with his Washington buds.

‘It’s A Beautiful Day to (Not) Save Lives’ – Dr. Derek Shepherd

Hey Grey’s Anatomy fans – how ya doin? Have you gotten over the emotional trauma that was last night’s episode? This is a safe space to talk about your feelings.

PS: IF YOU WATCH GREY’S AND HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE YET OR HAVEN’T, LIKE, BEEN ON THE INTERNET STOP READING. STOP READING NOW. COME BACK LATER. OKAY, BYE.

Hello. Welcome back. For today’s post, I’m just using it as my soapbox to talk about what happened last night, because really, isn’t that what the Internet is for? I have a lot of problems with the departure of Patrick Dempsey/Dr. Derek ‘McDreamy’ Shepherd, but I also am slightly okay with it. But first things first.

Because of my job, I have to monitor what’s happening with entertainment news every minute. Early afternoon on Thursday, someone on Instagram posted a photo of an article in Entertainment Weekly featuring Patrick Dempsey with the title “The Doctor Is … Out” and it’s his first exit interview after his last episode – which airs on Thursday night. Apparently some subscribers get EW issues on Thursdays, while most people get it on Fridays, hence, it wouldn’t have been a spoiler if the issues had arrived at the end of the week. This got picked up, Entertainment Weekly was all, sorry, y’all, and I was annoyed because I got spoiled on Thursday’s episode. I hate spoilers.

Then the clock hit 6pm PST (I work until 7pm) and, again, remember I have to monitor entertainment news, my RSS feed and Twitter feed were BLOWING UP with posts about how not only was it Patrick Dempsey’s last episode, but they FREAKING KILLED HIM OFF. Usually, when something like this happens, there are headlines that say like ‘[SPOILER] Leaves ::insert show here::’ or ‘This Really Just Happened on ::insert show here::’. However, this time around, it was one right after the other that read: ‘Shocking Grey’s Anatomy death!’, ‘Original cast member leaves Grey’s Anatomy’, ‘Shocking Grey’s Anatomy Accidental Death’, and straight up: ‘McDreamy Is Dead! Patrick Dempsey Killed off Grey’s Anatomy’. Thanks, People magazine. It was legitimately impossible for me to avoid spoilers – even more so because I had to write a story about it. So I mean, I guess I didn’t really know how he died.

Fast forward to the actual episode. Brief recap: Derek is on his way to the airport (to quit his job in D.C. and move back to Seattle) and he’s tailgated by a sports car weaving in and out, and the car eventually hits the SUV in front of Derek, and both cars flip over, while Derek stops to a grinding halt. Basically he manages to save everyone’s lives, makes friends with the young girl who’s not injured and played Sydney on Parenthood, one car caught on fire, police and firemen saw the smoke signals and came to the rescue. Derek stays behind and waits until all the mess is cleaned up for some reason and as he’s making a U-Turn to go back home, Meredith calls, but his phone is lost somewhere in the crevices, and a tractor-trailer comes and smacks into him. Derek gets sent to a hospital that’s NOT Grey-Sloan, and because they’re not properly trained/don’t listen to the female intern doctor/make poor decisions, Derek is essentially brain dead. Meredith shows up, knows exactly what’s happening, knows she has to lit’rally pull the plug. #RIPDerek. (So that wasn’t that brief)

I managed to keep it together until the end of the episode when I found myself bawling when she has to watch him die. In the background, a cover of The Frey’s How To Save a Life is playing – a song call back to season two, when Derek is about to cut into someone’s brain and says, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives”, which he told Sydney from Parenthood earlier. Then there’s a montage of all of MerDer’s best moments and bye.

Ok so my initial thought was:

Then I began to wonder why Shonda decided to kill him off. Last January, both Ellen Pompeo and Patrick signed contracts to be on Grey’s until the 2015-2016 season, even though it hadn’t been picked up yet. Why would he leave with a year left in his contract? Furthermore, Patrick has publicly said he’d be on the show until the end. Then, there were rumors that he and Shonda were not seeing eye to eye. AND he had been gone in “D.C.” for most of the season. All signs were kind of pointing to ‘Yes’ he is leaving the show, but I would NEVER had expected Shonda to kill him off.

Which lead me to thinking that this episode is officially Grey’s Jumping the Shark.

derek_leftshark

While many believe Grey’s hasn’t been good since the end of season six (you know the finale where Derek was shot by a crazy gunman seeking revenge), I will say there have been a number of good episodes since. It just hasn’t been the same. The show has been on for 11 seasons, and there have been many cast changes, so it’s never going to be the gut-wrenching, edge-of-your-seat, hearts-in-your-eyes drama that it was in seasons one and two. Now that Derek’s gone, there are only like four original cast members left. Moreover, there’s only one half of MerDer left.

Meredith and Derek are one of TV’s most beloved couples – just imagine if Jim Halpert died unexpectedly or Ross Geller or Sam from Cheers or Fitz (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON SCANDAL). Removing such an important element of a beloved show like Grey’s could potentially hurt the show more than it can help.

That being said, I get why they killed him off. It was getting boring quite frankly (see: hasn’t been good since season 6), and they need something to stir the pot a bit. When Sandra Oh left at the end of last season, she moved to Switzerland (neutral country) with the possibility of her coming back. It was interesting to see what would happen this season without Meredith’s person by her side. But that still wasn’t enough to create the same level of drama and interest as before. So I get it, writers, I get it. But from a fan’s perspective…

This is reminiscent of How I Met Your Mother all over again – except this isn’t the series finale. Here’s what we do know – next week is the season finale, and all the doctors at Grey-Sloan-O’Malley-Webber-Yang-Stevens-Montgomery-Shepherd Memorial Hospital have to say one finale goodbye to Derek. It puts them in a much more interesting position than when Yang left, because she still exists and is doing her thing. Derek’s departure was sudden. He left behind a wife and two kids, a staff who admired him. How are they all going to deal with his death? We all saw what happened after the plane crash (if you watched past season 6). They all had PTSD. What kind of mark will Derek leave on them?

One last thing and I’ll end my rant (thanks for sticking with me!) – before Cristina left, she told Meredith to not let Derek dictate her own life and hopes and dreams. In some way, it was a foreshadowing of what just happened, but it’s also a reminder that Meredith, a self-professed dark and twisty person, is more than Derek Shepherd’s wife. She’s Dr. Meredith Grey. She has seen a lot in her life, and she doesn’t let it effect her too much. Will Derek’s death finally be the thing that breaks her down? Will Cristina be there to pick up the pieces? Will Ellen Pompeo stay on past season 12? Did Shonda just issue Grey’s its own D.O.A.???

Sound off, fam! What do you think will happen next??

Dream “Take Your Child To Work Day” Scenarios

Did any of you participate in Take Your Child To Work Day as a kid? The correct answer is “no” – because when we were kids, it was still called “Take Your Daughter To Work Day.” It was part of that earnest early ’90s Murphy Brown feminism that sort of aggressively told  girls “you can be anything! You can do anything! Someday maybe you’ll own a briefcase!” I mean, it was started by the Ms. Foundation and Gloria Steinem. But even when Take Your Daughter To Work Day began in 1993, kids were way ahead of that mentality — it was mostly the product of adults who had grown up in the 1950s when there weren’t so many options. I remember being mostly confused by the holiday, like I already knew I could have a job, but everyone making such a fuss about it made me realize that somewhere somebody was saying I couldn’t? Nice try though, Gloria. It was a weird time and my main priorities were Rugrats and Dunkaroos, to be honest. Apparently my parents were confused too, because I never attended. To be fair, my mother taught in my school, so every day was Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

Still, I couldn’t help but be jealous of my classmates who got to cut school and tag along with their parents for the day. Well, I was jealous of SOME of them. If your parents had cool jobs, you’d come to school the next day with tales of amazing experiments and adventures and free swag that you got. And then some kids just sat in an office playing Gameboy. Here are some Take Your Daughter To Work Day scenarios that would have blown my mind as a kiddo – or Take Your Child To Work Day, or Take Your Daughter Or Son To Work Day, however you roll. Did any of you go to work with your parents, or are you taking your kids now? And was it fun, or just another day at the office?

Veterinarian Or Zookeeper

Oh hell yes. This is it. What kid wouldn’t love getting to hang out with cats and dogs all day and using cool medical equipment? It’s like if your parent were a doctor, but even better because there aren’t all those pesky humans. Also, zookeeper. Or really any zoo employee. Why do I think most zoos put on amazing Take Your Child To Work Days? And can you imagine getting to go behind the scenes to see how they take care of the animals? Man. I wish my parents were zookeepers.

News Anchor

All I know is this. I worked my tiny butt off in children’s acting classes and poured my heart and soul into three-times-a-week rehearsals — and those kiddos whose parents worked at the news channel got to fast-track their way to T.V. every year. This still happens. Sometimes they even deliver inconsequential reports in tiny, adorable suits. I imagine that behind the scenes, one has a child-sized slate or a miniature boom mic. If you are a news anchor, or otherwise involved in television production, and you don’t take your child to work today, I really have no words for you.

Grocery Store

All right, I know people who don’t live near Wegmans grocery stores are really bored of people talking up how great Wegmans is. But our hometown is the base of Wegmans and it was practically the only city that had them when we were growing up. It was – and still is – one of the biggest local employers. And as such, there were always a few kids in your class who had a parent who worked there, and let me tell you, they put on a mean Take Your Daughter To Work Day. There were bakery tours, and cooking demos, and tiny chefs hats, and aprons, and stepstools. Fortunately, if your parents worked elsewhere they put on a mean fourth grade field trip.

Fashion Designer

Nobody’s parent is really a fashion designer – for real, comment if your parent is a fashion designer – but remember in The Parent Trap when Hallie goes to that shoot with her mom and gets to help style it and somehow appears in it as well? It was such a fun montage but for some lucky kid out there, it isn’t just a montage – it’s real life.

Florist

Basically, any job where there’s a hands-on activity would be the greatest. Working at a flower shop would be like a day-long art project. There would probably be flowers that didn’t make the cut that you’d be allowed to play with, and I bet there’s even a good chance you’d get to use the cash register. Allergy kids need not apply.

The White House

A backstage tour of the White House! Possibly meeting the President or First Lady or, heck, even Bo! Visiting the seat of American democracy! Okay, so no surprise here: I was one of those kids who really, really wanted to be the president when I grew up. My family went to Washington, D.C. when I was seven, and I was wide-eyed when I got to visit Congress, see the Declaration of Independence close-up, and stand next to the Lincoln Memorial. Nerd. But a whole day at the White House? I couldn’t have even dreamed it. Lucky kids – now you can go there for Take Your Child To Work Day even if your parents don’t work there!

Even better – the White House has asked other employers to do the same, opening their doors to kids in the community who can’t shadow a parent … or whose parents have boring jobs, maybe. Imagine your dream job as a fifth-grader, then imagine if your school worked to get you to spend a day living it. So amazing!

Firefighter

There’s a reason firefighter is one of the top jobs little kids say they want when they grow up. It’s cool. There’s danger, and uniforms, and trucks, and sometimes dogs. Obviously you’d have to keep children away from, well, fire, but a day learning about their community heroes would be really great for a lot of kids.

DJ

Judging by this picture’s popularity online, a lot of adults and kids would love to spend a day stepping into a D.J.’s shoes. Personally, heavy club beats and sweaty crowds sound like no fun, and what can I say, I usually like being the only Molly in the room … but mixing beats would be so much more interesting than beating those hollow wood sticks against each other in music class.

Paper Company

No? Oh well.

Hollywood Assistant Horror Stories

Today is Administrative Professionals Day, which means many millennials in entry level-ish jobs will be opening the gifts they bought for themselves. Or, if you have a nice boss, you’ll actually have a thoughtful present that shows real recognition of your dedication to work. Either way, if you’ve ever had to work for someone else, this day is for you.

But we know that not all bosses can be like idyllic Leslie Knope and genuinely care about you and your wants, needs, hopes and dreams. Sometimes, you’re forced to work for a Miranda Priestly, who is utterly horrific. Luckily, I’ve never worked as an assistant, because frankly, I don’t think I’m cut out for it. But bless those who do. Especially in Los Angeles.

Working as an assistant in Hollywood is a whole different ball game than most places (save for maybe like NYC), in that the percentage of bosses who think they are superior than everyone else is way higher than say, Des Moines, Iowa. There are a lot of power players in the industry, not just actors and directors, but writers and publicists and agents and studio execs who all think their to-do list is much more important than everyone else’s. It’s all the familiar phones, scheduling, lying about where your boss is, but 10 times worse.

To those that have given their lives to the every beck and call of IRL horrible bosses – we salute you. Here are just a few horror stories from assistants who prove that working in Hollywood can sometimes be the actual worst.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

“I broke up with a very prominent actor boyfriend of hers. She said, “Oh, we’re done making a movie together; it’s not really going to work; I’m sort of seeing somebody else. Could you just tell him to back off and leave me alone?” And she said this over the phone, over Christmas. She told me, “Accept the date on my behalf. Take the date. Go instead of me.” So, that’s what I did. You would think sending a text is the worst — no. Sending your assistant to break up with him is the worst. He had no idea it was coming, either, which was sad. Because when I was talking to him on the phone before, he was like, “Great! She said yes! Tell her I’ll see her here; I’ll order us her favorite wine,” and I was just like, “Okay!” Ugh. I felt horrible for him. I was like, “You do not deserve this.” That breakup was two weeks into the job. That was my initiation — Oh my God, this is what I’m doing?” {x}

 Gifting On A Dime

“She once had me buy some luggage for her makeup artist, two bags for $5000, and yet for her best friend’s birthday she told me to find a used bike on Craigslist for under $100,” he said of a multi-million dollar actress… He also said that the actress’ mom needed a new TV, but instead of buying a new one she had him dust off an old TV that was missing a remote in her garage and drive it over to Mom’s house. Yes money mattered to her. She seemed to want to flash it with inconsequential people, but with family and friends she was extremely frugal.” {x}

We All Hate Waiting For The Cable Guy

I once had to go over to one of my boss’s condos at 8 a.m. on a Saturday to wait for the cable guy, because she didn’t want to stay inside her own home for four hours. {x}

Literal Shit

An assistant once had to pick up a stool sample from her boss’s dog and deliver it to the vet. {x}

You Gotta Have Balls To Do That

An assistant to a film and TV director received a call from his boss around 9:30 on a Saturday, requiring 200 tennis balls before noon, so he could teach his girlfriend tennis -and he needed to get the balls for a cost of about $10. “There’s gotta be a way.” The assistant ran around town, finding those ways, not all of them necessarily legal. “I hopped the fence at a country club with a basket I picked up at the grocery store and picked up like 30 orphan balls, I got chased by the tennis coach. Then I called a buddy who was a member at a country club, who knew a crooked groundskeeper, who sells balls he steals from the country club. I drove like 30 minutes and did this sketchy tennis ball transaction in his alley like I was buying a pound of cocaine and I had to haggle him down.” {x}

How About “Ass”?

The time an agent told me to never use the word “as” again. That was… frightening. {x}

There’s An Undo Button For That

A Talent Agent assistant was sending an audition confirmation to Actress A and had to CC her “Group”, which consisted of any relevant managers, agents, etc. But he accidentally selected the Actress B’s “Group.” So Actress A saw that Actress B was going to get the same audition. And Actress A called the agent and ripped him for sending other competing clients against her for the same role… and the agent eviscerated the assistant all night for being a “fucking idiot.” Called him repeatedly all night, insulting him, threatening to fire him, etc… The assistant just apologized and took the beating. He thought he lost his job, but he showed up the next morning and there was his agent, waiting for him in his office, with an agenda of stuff to take care of. They didn’t talk about it again. {x}

The cow as white as milk, The cape as red as blood, The hair as yellow as corn, The slipper as pure as gold

One assistant recalls having to keep a special healing mushroom alive by soaking it in goat’s milk as it grew to new and alarming sizes, and later reserving that mushroomy goat milk for her boss to drink (she never did drink it). {x}

You Butter Believe It

I was once screamed at by my boss because the butter that arrived with his side of bread was too melted. “You need to check this before you give it to me!” he yelled, which is how I found myself gingerly squeezing individually-wrapped tablespoons of butter on a near-daily basis to make sure they were the correct temperature. {x}

An Oscar-winning Delivery

One assistant worked for an award-winning cinematographer and his family for several years. “I had developed a very tight bond with them and we considered each other family. The couple asked if I would film the birth of their child. They said I was the only person they trusted enough to handle this task. While I was terrified at the thought of filming such a personal and unfamiliar event, I was honored to have been asked. It was requested that I watch several hours of birthing videos so I would know what to expect during the birth. Each day, I watched hour-long videos of women going through labor and the delivery of their babies. Video after video, I watched as these women were screaming and cursing and looking as if they were being tortured. What had I gotten myself into?”

”Inside the delivery room, I was introduced to the doctor and knew that I was going to have to be very creative to get the perfect shot and capture the whole event. I found the perfect place to stand, the overhead light was in the perfect spot. Just as things were getting good and the baby was crowning, the doctor moved to a different position, moving the overhead light with him. Knowing that my boss was expecting a perfect video, I quickly apologized to the doctor and moved the light to where it was best for my camera angle. There was an excellent chance that my boss and his wife would have been outraged that I would get in the way of the doctor, but instead, my boss, the cinematographer, gave me a high-five and said… ‘YES! That’s why I knew you were perfect for the job!’

”I never watched that video, but I’m told that it was wonderfully shot and perfectly lit.” {x}

 

Coachella 2015 Fashion Wrap-Up

It doesn’t seem like a desert music festival – where people willingly subject themselves to sleeping in tents and peeing in porta potties – could house a fashion oasis. But sometimes, Coachella is just that. The festival is also home to its fair share of fashion missteps, but as a two-weekend event in which people can wear whatever they want without impunity, it may not always be pretty but it’s always interesting.

Jaden Smith

I don’t have a younger brother, but I do have Jaden Smith and that’s basically the same thing. Whether I’m shaking my head over his scrunchy forehead poop face or illustrating his grandiose philosophical musings, I can’t help but get a kick out of that little scamp. He has all of the youthful self-importance of Justin Bieber, but it’s less annoying because unlike Bieber he seems to at least have a good heart. Or any heart. Jaden’s latest exploit: wearing a kicky floral frock and a lush red flower crown at Coachella. Can we retire flower crowns from music festivals now? Because we have already established who wore it best once and for all, and it’s Jaden Smith.

Beyonce

LOL no just kidding, Jaden Smith didn’t wear the flower crown best. Beyonce did – and that’s no insult to Jaden, it’s just that anything that Beyonce wears, she probably looks better than everyone else in. That’s why her t-shirt reads “Go Burn Your Flower Crown.” With denim shorts and natural makeup, it’s like Beyonce is playing dress-up as a regular civilian.

Nicki Minaj

So apparently, those are plaid shorts with a faux plaid shirt sewn around the waist. It reminds me of those cardigans with the built-in half camisole I used to wear in 1998, or those skorts with the shorts attached to the skirt. Except Nicki Minaj is wearing it instead of 12-year-old me, so it looks cool. Note Nicki’s take on the once-ubiquitous feather headdress (ugh): a giant feather crown.

Joshua Jackson

Pacey Witter is wearing the same hat my dad always wears, and that feels weird to me. It’s also the hat that is ceremoniously bestowed at age 16 on American men who are really into people thinking that they have Irish heritage. Also pictured: Diane Kruger and Nina Dobrev. Yeah, they all just look like regular people in normal clothes. Let’s move along.

 Katy Perry

What I love about this is that the loose, billowy fabric is probably great in this weather, as is the slicked-down hair: I can’t even look at Coachella pictures without feeling like I’m losing a fight with the frizz-monster. Besides, she has such a pretty face (sorry, I’m your grandma) and it’s nice to have her hair out of it. Those sandals look great too. The choker is really fun but in the Indio heat, having metal clamped right against your neck might be a bit unpleasant. Anyone want to take bets on how often her train got stepped on?

John Mayer

Listen closely. You hear that? It’s my 17-year-old self, weeping. I want to draw your attention to the gentleman to the left. That’s how my face is right now.

Whitney Port

In the early 90s, the ladies’ pajama departments of stores like Ames and T.J. Maxx used to run ads with ladies in long, billowing nightgowns. They’d often be looking dreamy near a window or on a porch swing. They usually had long blonde hair in a french braid with meticulously curled-under wispy bangs. This is the exact nightgown they were wearing. It looks cute on her, though.

 The Kardashian-Jenner Sisters

I don’t know which Kardashian sisters are which. I mean, I know which one Khloe is. And I know which two are really Jenners, although I can’t tell one Jenner from the other. And I say this as someone who gets annoyed that none of my distant relatives or parents’ friends can tell me apart from my sister. So anyway, here are both Jenners and Khloe Kardashian (the one I can identify). They are wearing outfits I would hate sweating in. The far left Jenner will have some rough tan lines this week. I am very happy to see that they’re all confirming that ankle booties are still in though!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch sported the most badass accessory of the festival: a freshly broken foot. She fractured it leaping off stage, but carried on like the, well, machine that she is. Aside from the foot, she kept things loose and light-colored, perfect for a festival that, as we’ve said, seems really uncomfy to both of us.

FKA Twigs

Between this and the Jenner, I guess the in thing is dressing like Princess Leia when she was enslaved by Jabba the Hutt. Twigs is so pretty, though. Better her than me, having to represent this trend. Bless.She also wore this, which is interesting and probably lovely, but I can’t find a clear picture of it. Sculpted baby hairs haven’t been this in since the late 90s.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely

This is probably the most ladylike anybody has or will ever look at Coachella.

The Jenners, Again

These gals don’t look bad, per se. They just look like teenagers having fun at Coachella. But man, do I wish those hot pants that look like saggy diapers would go away.

Rihanna

When I was in my early makeup wearing years, I remember reading that you should not match your lipstick or your eyeshadow to your outfit, because that’s tacky. Rihanna probably read that same advice as a youngster, then realized that she’s Rihanna and she is wearing a full-length purple fur coat and she can put whatever the heck she wants on her lips.

Jourdan Dunn

These heavy metallic necklaces are  really making me cringe. Also did Coach just set a bunch of models loose at Coachella with their bags as some sort of viral marketing? Also, do you think I would look more like Jourdan Dunn or Rosie Huntington-Whitely if I were carrying a Coach bag??

Hozier

It’s like they always say. You can take the man out of Ireland… but he’s still going to wear some rumply brown stuff and like 5 layers. Also, Aaron Paul. I’m not sure what his hair is doing, but I don’t really need to know.

 

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Younger

I watch too many TV shows. It’s a problem. Because of this, I’ve had to be selective when it comes to which programs I actually spend time watching. But then when my shows go on a semi-long hiatus, I get ancy like a drug addict feening for a hit. It’s then that I go to the list of bubble shows that I decided I would only watch if I found the time to. Enter Younger.

Younger is a TV Land series, which is partly why you’re confused about it. It’s not a repeat of Gunsmoke or Who’s the Boss or even Friends, and it’s not a shot-in-front-of-a-live-audience multi-cam show like Hot in Cleveland. It’s a single-cam, original series that isn’t aimed towards the baby boomer demographic. I watched the pilot and liked it so much that I watched it again immediately after it aired. But that’s partly because my DVR cut out the last 30 seconds and I obviously needed to see what happened. But that aside, it feels like a fresh, new show that isn’t trying to be anything else. So what’s it about?

Basic Plot

Liza (Sutton Foster) is 40 years old and suddenly becomes a divorced single mom of a college freshman. She gets mistaken for a 20-something by a young, hot, gentleman caller (Nico Tortoella), which makes her think she can pass for a young professional, multiplying her chances of scoring a decent job in the publishing world. It works, and she lands a position as an assistant to a Devil Wears Prada-esque boss, but her co-worker Kelsey (H Duff) befriends her and takes her under her wing. Liza attempts to keep up appearances as a “26 year old” but the problem is that no one knows her real age and real life story.

Still intrigued? Here are a few more reasons to watch one of my new favorite shows this year.

Sex and the Gilmore Girls

Darren Starr, the executive producer of Sex and the City, is the creator, writer, director, etc. of Younger, so some of that Carrie Bradshaw flair can be seen in the show. Like SATC, it also takes place in New York City, specifically Brooklyn, where Liza has to adjust to all the young hipsters. The writing of Younger is reminiscent of Gilmore Girls – while not quite as verbose and pop culture reference-y, it has a similar fast-talking pace that is perfect for the brilliant Sutton Foster, who if you recall, starred in the cancelled-too-soon dance dramedy Bunheads, created by GG’s Amy Sherman-Palladino. The fusion of these two shows results in a hip, hilarious program for millennials and older folks alike.

Hilary Duff Is Back On TV

I have been a fan of Hil since My Lizzie and Gordon OTP Days, and have loved her ever since. While she’s had some random TV cameos since (REMEMBER THE DAN HUMPHREY VANESSA THREESOME), this is a full-fledged series return since she’s had a kid. Now I don’t think she’s lined up to earn an Oscar nomination anytime soon, but her acting and mere presence feels like a breath of fresh air, and the role of Kelsey is perfect for her. She’s a strong female in the workplace and goes after what she wants with determination. She also isn’t a mean girl, which I expected her to be when I first started watching. She truly is a friend to Liza and I hope that never changes, because, girls lifting up other girls and whatnot.

Sutton Foster Is Back On TV

As previously mentioned, Sutton was in the short-lived Bunheads, which was the perfect role for her as a Vegas showgirl-turned-small-town-dance-teacher. Sutton nailed the delivery on Amy Sherman-Pallidino’s writing, which isn’t an easy feat. It also helped that Sutton is a huge Gilmore Girls fan so she knew what she was getting in to. And while some may only be familiar with her work on Bunheads, many others like me know her as Broadway royalty. Like the kind of Broadway royalty that has won two Tony Awards as Best Actress in a Musical because she’s that flawless. Whenever Broadway actors transition into TV, I always root for them like the underdog because I know how much talent they have and it deserves to be seen than more than the lucky few who get to see them perform on the stage live (see: half the cast of Bloodline). Sutton being on Younger is not only an achievement and feat for her, it’s one for us too.

Fashion

The fashion in Younger is interesting on a whole new level, in that while there are the clothes that, say, Hilary Duff’s character wears (trendy, young NYC professional), there’s that of Liza’s, which is a 40 year old woman pretending to be 26. What she wears literally depends on her livelihood. Bring in Patricia Field, the costume designer for not only Younger, but she also worked with Darren Starr on SATC. I recently read an Entertainment Weekly feature on Patricia and now I can’t stop reading about her process for styling characters and tips on how to not look like trash, basically. For example, a trick for dressing Liza is that she wears items that balance out her silhouette – i.e. being youthful is about not being overtly sexy. When Josh first hits on Liza, she’s wearing like a comfy chambray shirt – and this is what makes him not only like her, but think she’s 26.

Millennial Life As Seen By A Non-Millennial

There’s a good chunk of this show that deals with Liza just trying to keep up with the “kids” and understand the millennial language. She gets hired as an assistant, and is expected to know how social media works because that’s what we do as millennials. In one scene she comes up with this brilliant publicity campaign involving Twitter, but when she launches it, she forgets to include the hashtags, and therefore it doesn’t become the viral sensation she promised her boss it would be. In the pilot, Liza seriously asks who Lena Dunham is. Kelsey at one point has to teach her what IRL means. It’s an interesting semi-psychological study on what we do and why we do it, couched in the guise of a hilarious show.

Younger airs on TV Land Tuesdays at 10p/9c

Gwyneth’s Goop Kitchen: How Fast Would You Die?

I’d love to live like Gwyneth Paltrow, but it would probably kill me. We’ve reviewed the ridiculous prices for, like, a plain white t-shirt on Goop. We’ve also looked at how to beautify your “conscious uncoupling” with a mock divorce Pinterest board. I surely couldn’t afford that sort of lifestyle, but what if Gwyneth tried to live more like us plebes? This week we learned the answer, when Gwynnie tried to buy a week’s worth of groceries on a $29 SNAP budget. Here’s what she came up with:

Yo. That looks like the food version of being grounded. It is the dinner world’s answer to being in-school suspended. It’s like if a spin instructor was in charge of the menu for a jail.

This hurts me more than it hurts you: I’m about to do some math. Let’s do some good old-fashioned calorie counting! Word problems! For anyone currently muddling their way through Common Core, feel free to draw a spirograph or make a hand-turkey or however it is that you do math now.

12 eggs, at 80 calories per egg: 960 calories

Black Beans, 16 oz: 1552 calories

Frozen Peas, 12 oz: 264 calories

Whole Grain Brown Rice, 16 oz: 1609 calories

1 medium sweet potato: 115 calories

1 head romaine lettuce: 108 calories

1 medium white onion: 50 calories

1 green chili pepper, I think: 18 calories

1 avocado: 320 calories

Roughly 10 scallions, at 8 calories per scallion: 80 calories

1 ear of corn: 100 calories

1 tomato: 25 calories

1 head of garlic: 50 calories

1 bunch of kale: 140 calories

18 Guerrera flour tortillas, at 130 calories per tortilla: 2340 calories

1 bunch of cilantro, if you’re into that: 23 calories

Seven limes. SEVEN limes. Seven LIMES: 140 calories

Want to add it up? You don’t have to. It’s 7,754. There are seven days in a week. That’s easy to remember, because that’s how many damn limes Gwyneth bought. Okay, 7,731 divided by 7: 1,107.7 Let’s round up to 1,108.

Let me just write that for you again.

1,108.

That’s how many calories a person is supposed to eat in a day, according to Gwyneth. I’m just assuming this is for one person, because otherwise we’re at something like 553 calories a day for two people.

I think Gwyneth’s point was supposed to be that eating healthy on food assistance is hard to do, but ultimately possible. Instead, she proved what a lot of people already know:

  • you can never have too many limes?
  • you CAN have too many limes, but that point is somewhere in the double-digits for a week?
  • a lime a day keeps the macrobiotics away? (Still not 100% on what a macrobiotic is, sounds like maybe a transforming food-monster action figure.)
  • roughly half of your food should be from the onion-and-garlic family (no wonder Gwyneth and Coldplay got consciously uncoupled)?
  • there’s no better afterschool snack than 1/7 of a juicy red tomato?
  • That if you have a very limited food budget, you may as well buy 10 Totino’s pizzas for $8 or a loaf of day-old white bread for a few bucks so that you don’t wake up in the middle of every night with food nightmares.

Oh, Gwyneth, Gwyneth, Gwyneth. You seem like a nice gal just trying to spread the word about something you care about. But I can tell you first-hand that writing about things you care about on the internet is the surest way to get insulted by strangers. I can also tell you that this diet blows. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And the road to an electrolyte imbalance is paved with a menu of multiple scallions a day with a side of 1/7 of an avocado.