10 Things To Stop Doing With Your Hair By Age 30

It seems like just yesterday we presented our response to those “30 Things You Need To Stop Wearing By Age 30” articles (our take: it’s time to stop wearing 1/2 of an old locket you were given at birth before being sent to an orphanage). Just when I thought the whole issue was settled, I came across this article helping all us old gals figure out what we have to stop doing with our hair. Ladies, it’s serious. We can’t have braids anymore. Worse yet, I wore one just this week —  looking like a 29-year-old floozy instead of the sedate 31-year-old that I am — because nobody even told me that we can’t have braids anymore. I’d never leave my faithful internet friends in that position, so here it is: 10 things to stop doing with your hair if you’re three decades old.

Hair That You Style Yourself

Are you old enough to remember watching Full House in prime time? That’s totally fine, but you’re going to have to get a puffy roller set once a week that you get re-done every Friday afternoon with all the other Ethels.

An Elaborate Powdered Wig

Good God almighty, Megan, someone’s going to think it’s actually white.

Your Natural Hair Color

When you hit a certain age – and make no mistake, that age is 29 years 364 days – you should probably start dying your hair.

But Also, Unnatural Hair Colors

Okay, you should probably start dying your hair but also you are too old to pull off anything that strays more than one swatch from your natural shade on that hair board your hairdresser has. You might ask why you should bother dying your hair if you’re still using your natural color, but how about you don’t.

Your Own Mom’s Hair Cut, Whatever That Is

Now that you’re old, nobody will be able to tell you apart.

Short Hair

Short hair is for old ladies, so if you have it then everybody will forget to look at your face and assume that you’re old.

But Also, Long Hair

You’re a big woman now, Amy.

Long hair is for young ladies, so if you have it everybody will think you’re trying to look young. The looking young part is great but the trying part is ew. Now that you’re 30 you may have a blunt-cut bob or a blunt-cut lob.

A Tight Bun

We know you have wrinkles, Carly. A tight bun is just going to make you look like that grandma from the Tweety cartoons. Remember Tweety? Of course you do, ya geezer. You watched him at the picture-show after the newsreels.

Any Of Tonya’s Hairstyles In I, Tonya

Even T.Hard has changed her bangs by now.

A Big Bow Like An Edwardian Girl

“Jo Jo Bows” – big floppy bows last seen in photo-essays of mill girls in 1904, then inexplicably popularized by Dance Moms kid Jojo Siwa – are huge with the younger set, AKA actual children. But if you’re an over-30 trying to evoke an Edwardian throwback thing for whatever reason, think more Ruth Dewitt Bukater and less Little Cora. And yes, we threw that reference in for you ol’ sea hags who can remember Titanic’s theatrical release.

 

 

 

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Everything I Remember Buying At Claire’s, 1994 – 1999

Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy, and my 90s self would be shocked.  Claire’s was a boutique in the loosest sense of the word – it was more like a Toys R Us of tween accessories, and if my niece’s recent purchases of JoJo Siwa bows and unicorn hair extensions are any indication, it still is. Claire’s may be the latest victim of private-equity fund stewardship, but I think they may emerge victorious — after all, no store is better at giving tween girls exactly what it’s told them they want. I was never one of those kids with an allowance or parent-funded spending sprees, so each of my Claire’s purchase was long-coveted. That’s why, in 2018, I can still remember everything I bought at Claire’s during my childhood:

A Heart-Shaped Locket With Nothing In It

The nostalgia machine remembers the 90s in a few ways: bright and neon in the post-80s years, earth-toned and grungy in the middle, and pop-y and futuristic at the end. However, there was also a weird kind of neo-Victorian thing happening if you looked hard enough (see: country geese , Little Women, Titanic mania). Case in point: lockets, which always seemed kind of important and mysterious even if you had nothing to put in them. We can thank Annie and the American Girls Collection for this.

Mood Ring

You always blushed a bit if it landed on In Love. As a cold person with a low heart rate (actually… what do mood rings even measure?), I think the technical term for my mood ring results was Clinical Death.

Sunflower Hat

The sunflower hat was THE must-have accessory when I was in second grade, c. 1994. Different versions were out there but the staple was a denim bucket hat with a yellow sunflower on it. A little bit Michelle Tanner and a little bit Blossom, you could be any middle-class girl from a family sitcom you wanted in this number. The decision to wear it straight versus tilted was hotly debated … in the before-school lineup at Sacred Heart Cathedral School, anyway.

Confession: I scoped out sunflower hats at Claire’s but mine was actually from Bloomingdale’s. It was Quality Millinery, thank you very much.

Scrunchies

They were gentle on your hair and you could buy one in any finish or pattern you wanted. Bring back the scrunchie.

Velvet or Lace Choker (Cameo Optional)

This was the more early-90s choker. Like the locket, it was part of the Interview With A Vampire aesthetic that was totally appropriate and not at all creepy for tiny children to be into.

Fake Tattoo Choker

This was more late 90s, and I only wore it once because I thought it looked cheap.

Which it did.

You could get them from gumball machines.

Fimo Necklaces

Popular in the 1996-1999 range, these necklaces had a nylon cord or stringed beads and a clay ‘hippie’-esque pendant.

In my personal suburban mall, there was a kiosk that sold these and also wizard candles. For the uninitiated, yes, I actually do mean candles that were shaped like an elderly wizard.

A Piercing

Thing 90s Kids Will Remember: getting your ears pierced by a teenager with a piercing gun and trying not to cry because strangers were eating Auntie Anne’s pretzels on a bench 5 feet away. My ear piercing was a First Communion present and it closed up within a few years, so I am in fact the proud owner of TWO Claire’s piercings. You had to search the earring racks specifically for the ones labelled stainless steel or else your ears would start burning. We had fun.

Headbands Headbands Headbands

Soft headbands, hard headbands that would dig into your temples, plush puffy headbands – if there was one constant in my life from 1995 to 1999, it was that my bangs were in a weird place and I needed hair accessories to deal with them. The worst ever, for my particular frizzy hair and iffy hairline, was the stretchy headband with teeth. They never looked good on me but I bought like 5 of them anyway.

I preferred a classic Alice band because I was a goody-goody, obvs.

Embellished Snap Clips

Remember those flat clips that all the gymnasts wore in the 1996 Olympics? Then, remember the teeny tiny version with daisies and stuff on them? You’d wear them right next to your part.

The real theme here is that as a people, we were dealing with a collective weird bangs situation for the better part of the decade.

Butterfly Clips

The last member of the wonky bangs starter pack, the butterfly clip spanned the difference between headbands and hair clips so you didn’t have to choose. I was pretty sure they looked rocking in my hair and in hindsight, I was entirely correct.

Butterfly Everything

Butterflies were so cool in the late 90s, and I’m so grateful that I was only in Junior High or else I definitely would have left the decade with a butterfly tattoo.*

*  I remember my junior high friends and I declaring that we’d totally get butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings when we were old enough. Now I can have as many butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings as I want, and it turns out I want zero.

Pen with marabou poof

You felt like Cher Horowitz until the ink ran out in a week and you were back to your Bics.

See also: gel pens, despised by every teacher I ever had. Now that my eyeballs are three decades old I Get It.

“Retro” “70s” Stuff

Especially during the 1996-1997 school year, 60s and 70s-inspired accessories were all the rage. We’re talking psychedelic colors, daisies, smiley faces, peace signs. The yin yang was pretty big starting in the earlier 90s but I seem to remember it fading out sooner.

I also remember combing my grandparents’ house for 60s-70s stuff during this time, only to find that most bona fide retro accessories were in the pukey oranges, avocados and browns of old appliances. Claire’s all the way.

Puka Shell Nonsense.

As of high school I had been to like 2 beaches and they were in New England, but still.


My Claire’s years mostly ended around 2000, when I started high school. Yesterday, today, and forever, Claire’s was a store that sold the idea of being a cool teenager to 7-13 year olds — not so much a store for real teenagers. Their financial situation may be bleak, but as long as 10-year-olds long to look 17, I think Claire’s will have a place in children’s fashion mistakes for years to come.

Best Dressed at the 2018 Oscars

Frances McDormand was thisclose to Cady Herron-ing her Oscars speech, Armie Hammer shot hot dogs at an unsuspecting movie theater-going audience, Kobe Bryant became an Oscar winner, and the La La Land/Moonlight jokes flowed like the tears I had for almost every performance of the nominated Original Songs. But as always, the fashion made headlines too and we’re just another blog adding to the list. Did your faves make the cut?

Molly’s Picks

Lupita Nyong’o in Atelier Versace

Lupita has been one of our favorites since she came onto the scene looking and acting like a modern-day Audrey Hepburn several awards seasons ago. This beaded sash is gorgeous (I love a good sash, but on most people they veer on either the beauty pageant, Grand Duchess, or Michael Jackson side…) and check out the gold sewn into her hair!

Gal Gadot in Givenchy Haute Couture

I’m always a sucker for anything flapper-inspired and this look is all glam and glitter. It’s no mistake that so many of our favorites are gold, silver and champagne-colored. It’s a big night and I love when stars treat it as such. The diamond and aquamarine necklace is so classic that I was surprised it wasn’t vintage.

Mira Sorvino in Ramona Kavenza

It’s cherry blossoms! Mira is making up for lost red carpet time in a stunning way here. Not to start another controversy about dress color – I think we can all agree we shouldn’t go down that road again – but I read this described as blue and I really do not see it. Surely they meant blush?

Margot Robbie in Chanel Haute Couture

Margot’s gown is one of the simplest on our list, but it’s deceptive. Look at the criss-cross layers on the skirt and the wispy feathery detail along the top — it’s a real god is in the details situation.

Gina Rodriguez in Zuhair Murad

Gina always looks stunning on the red carpet because she is always entirely polished without being overdone. Sleek hair, simple but evening-appropriate makeup, and this silvery cloud of a gown all come together to make her look full-Hollywood glam.

Honorable Mention: Rita Moreno in Her Old Dress From 1962

This works on so many levels. Reminding us that Rita Moreno is such an institution that she’s been around for over 55 years of Oscar history; reminding us that Rita Moreno’s dress from 55 years ago still fits (I’ll never feel smug about still fitting into my prom dress again…); reminding us that Rita can somehow pull off showing more skin in her 80s than she did in her 30s. The dress was created in the Philippines from a Japanese obi and it’s as beautiful in 2018 as it was in 1962.

 

Traci’s Picks

Allison Janney in Reem Acra

Allison Janney – sorry – OSCAR WINNER Allison Janney picked the perfect gown to take home the golden trophy. The sleeves, the hair slicked back, the deep V paired with the simple diamond necklace, gives just the right kind of drama that an Oscar winner should display. The only thing we’re disappointed in is that she didn’t do The Jackal at the end of her speech.

Chadwick Boseman in Givenchy

This is how a a king should dress.

Allison Williams in Armani Privé Couture

I always love when an actress goes for straight up Hollywood glamour at the Oscars, and Allison did just that. The beading, the sheer illusion top and the wavy hair all come together to help give Allison the perfect movie star look.

Zoey Deutch in Elie Saab

The Disaster Artist actress (did you know she’s Lea Thompson’s daughter??) wasn’t nominated for anything but still showed up to the party looking fabulous, and I’m into it. In a sea of white, this off-white gown stands out from the crowd.

Emily V. Gordon in J. Mendel

Emily’s dress was old Hollywood and Met Gala combined. I particularly love the velour/velvet crimson belt that added a bit more depth to the whole look.

Honorable Mention: Best Couple – Armie Hammer in Armani Prive Couture and Timothee Chamalet in Berluti

I will never stop shipping them.