It’s 1975: Let’s All Decorate Our Porches and Patios!

Welcome back to Let’s All Decorate, a series examining the design trends and tribulations of years past. We’ve examined everything from 90s country geese to the early-DIY era sponge painting craze to your grandma’s house (yes, yours), but today we’re going to take it outside. Memorial Day is in the books and summer 2016 is unofficially here. For a lot of us that means planting our gardens, cleaning off the outdoor furniture and hanging hammocks. In the 1970s it meant all of that too, but everything was just a little bit uglier.

I don’t know why, but the 1970s just scream summer with me. Maybe it was my childhood obsession with Now and Then, or maybe it’s the bold, loud prints and colors of the era. Whatever it is, I can just see 1970s homeowners wearing polyester outfits, trying to gussy up their decks and patios before their swinging cocktail party. Plus, a lot of the 70s styles lived on in my relatives’ houses throughout my very 90s childhood, so all of this looks more than a little familiar.

Are you ready? Queue up your favorite 8-track, slip on your finest caftan, and start seeing the world through Harvest Gold-colored glasses. It’s 1975, let’s all decorate our porches and patios!

Pick A Color Scheme And Go With It. Really, Really Go With It.

Do you like yellow? Orange? Pea green? Throw it on everything! Those are your only color options, sorry!

My fav is the Big Bird pelt on the floor.


On one hand that’s a kind of cute, Liberty print-looking fabric. On the other hand, it is on everything up to and including the walls. BTW the woman looks like she’s posing for a picture, but the man is just looking at her.


Baby diarrhea. That’s the color of the background. Baby. Diarrhea.

April Showers Bring Macrame Flowers?

If you lived through the 70s, you probably had a cousin or sister-in-law make you one of these for Christmas. If you lived through the 80s or 90s, it was probably still in your parents’ house.

Were you born between 1972 and 1979? You may have been conceived on this macrame monster, CONGRATS.

Crimson Crystal Beads To Beckon

It is almost like instead of design books, 1970s homeowners were going off of the lyrics to Joni Mitchell’s Chelsea Morning. I love her but it’s true.

Make Yourself Comfortable. If At All Possible.

The good thing is that by the 1970s, outdoor-friendly materials had come a long way! The bad thing is they were still plastic-y and uncomfortable. You’d probably stock up a few of these bad boys:

If you were born before 1990, you probably put a foot through one of these at some point.


And who could forget your skin sticking to these strips of woven plastic?


Then there were these not-at-all-soft, rain-resistant cushions.

Invite All Your 70s Friends Over!

You don’t decorate a porch or patio for yourself alone. Time to throw a bash for all your 70s friends!

So You Think You Kids Can Dance

Happy Memorial Day! Also happy Motivation Monday (I’m taking a social media hashtag approach this week)! After you finish showing down on hamburgers or setting off fireworks or whatever you do on Memorial Day, may I suggest sitting down to watch the season premiere of my favorite reality show, So You Think You Can Dance. Or rather, So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation.

I’ve been a fan since the literal jump, so when they announced the new format for the 13th season, in which the contestants are kids and not 18+, I was a little hesitant. Actually still am, pending on how tonight turns out. For me, I find young adults competing and achieving their goals much more interesting and less gut-wrenching than seeing kids get eliminated from a show which they think is a life and death situation. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of curmudgeon about this – in fact, if SYTYCD: TNG turns out to be anything like MasterChef Junior, then count me in. 100 percent. Especially since I know there are some talented kid dancers out there.

I’ve been known to tinker around the Internet here and there, and somehow on my travels I manage to find super talented kids who are already much better dancers than I’ll ever be. So before tuning in to SYTYCD: TNG, check out some of these kids that will motivate you to get up and move that tush a little more.

Soni Nicole Bringas

All four of these kids are great, but I’d like to point out the girl on the right with the long brown hair. If you’re wondering if she looks familiar, it’s because she plays Kimmy Gibbler’s daughter on Fuller House. So not only is she a good actress, she’s an amazing dancer too. Acting seems to be her second profession, really. That’s how good she is.

Aidan Prince

Again, if this kid rings a bell in your brain, he’s one of those kids Ellen brings on her show because she’s dance’s number one fan. I actually discovered him while creeping on videos Soni was in, because apparently this is what 30 is like, folks. Aidan has been dancing for years now, but his hits and grooves are so impressive for a kid his age.

Charlize Glass

This girl. Muscles for dayz. And you can tell because she is one of the strongest dancers I’ve seen, including adults. The other two girls in this video (another appearance by azn gal Bailey Sok on the left) are great dancers, however Charlize could easily pass for a 23 year old with her moves alone.

Kaycee Rice

I don’t even know what the fuck that video is, I’m convinced she’s some sort of dance alien that came to Earth to teach us how dancing really works. Like, what are those moves?

Big Will Simmons

This kid actually deserves the name Big Will. You know how some dudes give themselves nicknames that don’t really fit their personality? Big Will’s swag lives up to his name.

Sofia Lucia

Apparently this girl is on Dance Moms. No idea. All I know is that her extension and turns are flawless.


This is my Filipino cousin. JK I WISH.

ICYMI: Thank God It’s 90s Hair

*Raise your hand if you were personally victimized by The Rachel when you were a teen.*

Celebrating The Rachel, On The 20th Anniversary Of Its Death

The Rachel is dead.

Long live The Rachel.

Jennifer Aniston’s choppy shag – the biggest boon to the round brush industry to date – met its end by Season 3 of Friends. That means that right now, we are celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Rachel’s death.

I think that to avoid looking too dated or silly, you should avoid any haircut with a first name (unless that name is bob. Pretty classic). But in 1996, America couldn’t resist the curled-under layers of Jennifer Aniston’s bouncy ‘do.

In the years since The Rachel died, Aniston has been pretty vocal about the cut:

Like anyone who has tried to curl their ends with a blowdryer while twirling a brush with the other hand, Jennifer hated styling her haircut. In 2011, she went so far as to call it “the ugliest haircut I have ever seen.”  My favorite part: stylist Chris McMillan was (allegedly) high when he created the style. “Stoned out of his mind,” Aniston said.

Okay, but was the Rachel really that bad? Let’s take a look-see.

But Jennifer wasn’t the only 90s star with on point hair. See: Deej Tanner. I def had her hairstyle too. “The DJ” never really caught on, though.

Full House Of Style

Michelle Tanner, fashion maven, is apparently too busy to live in a row house with >10 other people. At least, that’s the party line for why the youngest Tanner will not be appearing on Fuller House. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Michelle is a fashion designer living the high life in New York City. Is this really surprising? We’ve already covered Ashley Olsen’s statement that Michelle’s wardrobe was made of cut-down designer pieces. Michelle wore a lot of sunflower hats, giant buttons, and clown sweatshirts, but it was the 80s and 90s. Who are we to say the top designers weren’t going a little overboard on the whimsy?

In the spirit of Michelle Tanner, Fashion Icon, we’re going to look at how the other Tanner girls were dressed back in the day — taking it back to one of our OTHER favorite 90s shows, House of Style.


Country Goose D.J.

In 1987, those unfortunate mall bangs and shoulder pads hadn’t trickled down to Donna Jo Margaret Tanner. Deej wore washed-out pastels, simple t-shirts, and comfy sweats. Bangs were decidedly non-teased, and hair was worn long and probably un-permed. Remember when we discussed those weird geese in bonnets that were popular in 80s and 90s home decor? This is how a woman with ‘country geese’ in her house would dress her 11-year-old daughter. There’s nothing here that Candace Cameron (Bure) should find embarrassing: for an 80s kid, she is getting off very easy.

Chunky Sweater D.J.

Let’s call this D.J.’s transitional look. Not the pastel little-girl style of the first season, but not a full-out teeny bopper, either. Chunky knit sweaters weren’t JUST for teachers at Christmastime in the late 80s. It was a way to add some humor and color into those crisp Bay Area winters, I guess.

Woman Of The 80s D.J.

Like most of us, D.J. had some awkward fashion years around middle school. Unlike most of us, D.J.’s character was going through a ’13-year-old Cathy comic’  phase where she was basically a middle-aged woman. Sometime around junior high, Deej started dressing like a high-powered woman of the 80s, except that she was a child. Her hair was permed and teased, as was the style of the time. She wore a lot of vests that she didn’t have to be wearing. There were bright-toned blazers with some very of- the-moment Michael Jackson-style epaulets.

Laura (Kate and) Ashley (Olsen) D.J.

Dainty florals and schoolmarm chic were popular and – am I losing it? – kind of cute for a while. I just looked at these dresses and thought “wow, that is refreshingly age-appropriate,” so don’t worry, if I ever have a daughter she’s definitely gonna hate me when she’s a teenager.

Seattle D.J.

Deej went to high school, got a boyfriend, loosened up, and started wearing flannels. Which, during this particular era, was more universal and not like a subversive Seattle grunge thing.

Mid-90s Seventeen Magazine D.J.

As in, she looks just like the girls in the copies of Seventeen magazine I used to sneak-read when my sister got them in 1995. This was that fun Clueless era when mod accents, A-line silhouettes and athletic influences made teen fashion its own category. Deej favored slouchy faded-wash jeans and bodysuits for casual wear and short but not mini-short skirts when dressing up. Plus Candace Cameron got that cute bob and started to look like a trendy college girl instead of a goofy sitcom kid.


Adorable Moppet Stephanie

In the first few years, when Michelle was strictly in nonspeaking baby territory, Stephanie was the resident cute little kid. And she was GOOD at it: I remember watching reruns with friends in college, and all of us being stunned because little Jodie Sweetin actually had great delivery and timing. Early on, costumers played up the adorable little kid angle. They kept Stephanie in the same pastels and unteased hair as D.J., when at this point in the 80s there were a lot of loud prints and weird bangs going on in the outside world.

Foreman Of The Sass Factory Stephanie

Stephanie got older, and the Full House writers got more and more obsessed with catch phrases. They established Stephanie as the household sass. Jodie Sweetin got to rock a lot more neon patterns and weird prints, plus she got a perm.

Trendy Tween Stephanie

The perm came down and the bangs came up, and it became clear that Stephanie was the cool one in the family. Stephanie really got to shine as the aspiring young hip hop dancer that she was.

Bad Girl Stephanie

By the 7th season, Deej was too much of a 13-year-old Cathy Comic to give her many ‘edgy’ teen storylines (I mean, the time Jesse thought she was drinking and she wasn’t, I guess?). Michelle was now the cute kid. That mean that Stephanie had to be the ‘rebel.’ You can tell because she went to make-out parties, hung out with strange boys at the food court, didn’t practice for the talent show and wore a midriff-baring top.

Saturday Spotlight: Yes You Cannes

  • Can you pick just a shortlist of favorite outfits from Cannes? For this year, actually, yes. You cannes. But while there were fewer really amazing red carpet looks this year, when the fashion was good it was very, very good.
  • Can you take a college class from Angelina Jolie? Apparently, yes. Which got us imagining other celebs as professors, from the excellent (Lin Manuel Miranda) to the ‘get me out of here’ (Quentin Tarantino?).
  • Can you go to sunrise yoga, pick up groceries on the way home, make a full breakfast, go to the park, and conduct a children’s jazz ensemble all by 10 AM on a Sunday? Only if you’re one of the dummies from Sunday Routine, a regular New York Times feature where everyone lies.
  • Can you believe Sam and Diane had another fight? Because those of us who are up to our ears in Cheers episodes have a few things to say about their relationship.
  • Can you escape the Rachel? Jennifer Aniston changed her haircut 20 years ago but in one form or another, that thing lives forever.

Cheers Chats #5: Fortune and Men’s Weights

Annddd we’re back.

Episode 2.17: Fortune and Men’s Weights

Originally aired: February 2nd, 1984

Netflix synopsis: Coach purchases an antique scale that also delivers fortunes, and the Cheers clan begins to attribute supernatural powers to the scale.

Previously, on Cheers

Sam and Diane are still together. That weird actor who maybe wanted to kill Diane was never seen again. Coach coaches, Carla brings her baby to work. Roughly eight episodes feature a “is Sam going to do it with someone who’s not Diane” plot (he doesn’t). Sam and Diane say I love you, finally.

One Hit Wonders

(Characters we don’t expect to be seeing again)

This scale. scale

So What Had Happened Was…

(Basic recap of the episode’s main plot)

Coach buys a scale from a weird man with an accent and it causes a ruckus in the bar. The scale, spits out a fortune on a piece of paper when you stand on it, is now a staple in the bar because they can’t return it to the janky salesman. Also the bill went to Sam and not Coach? Coach straight up buying luxuries without telling Sam. Rude.

“It’s gotta be some kind of mistake. Why would I buy a crate?” – Coach, when the scale he purchased came in a large wooden crate.

Everyone is really into the fortune telling scale, so now there’s a line at the scale of barflies because it’s apparently the Duck Hunt of Cheers. (Or the Naked Lady Find The Difference Game, but let’s go with Duck Hunt). Despite the scale giving out weird fortunes.

T: I finally figured Coach out and why I’m constantly annoyed with him – he is a walking “Who’s on third?” joke. Now that I have about a season and a half under my belt, I’ve gotten increasingly irritated with the corny “jokes” and how they dumb him down. It’s not my type of humor at all.

M: I agree and also think that’s why I skip a lot of older sitcoms – because some shows are Cheers, with Sam and Diane and our boo Carla to balance out Coach, but a lot of pre-2000s sitcoms are just… all Coaches. All Coach, no Carla – that’s my summary of bad 80s TV.

(I also stand by my theory that Coach is the one who is just there in case they need something serious to happen to someone, e.g. wife with cancer, house fire).

T: The B story involves Norm going on a blind date… and it turns out the blind date was Norm’s ex-wife (estranged?) Vera. And now they’re back together.

M: I have a feeling that Vera is Norm’s Tammy Two.

Carla’s My Boo

Carla’s convinced it’s telling the actual truth, so as a way to reverse the curse, if you will, Carla wards off the evil spirits by doing this:

Photo May 26, 1 56 59 AM

Carla also blames the curse on someone not praying before leaving the house. Love when they throw in these weird “Carla’s superstitious/ very Catholic” asides.

Shut Up, Diane

(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)

Diane gets a fortune and it says: “Deception in romance proves costly” she is hiding something.

And she has resorted to copying whatever Carla does. 

Little Ditty About Sam & Diane

Sam was all ready to buy Diane make-up flowers because he didn’t go to some art show she wanted him to go to, but she comes in and is all lovey-dovey? Something is afoot.

“I just missed ya so, ya big lug” Diane to Sam – why doesn’t anyone call people “lug” anymore?

Diane asks for a big “smooch-a-roo” which I think nobody called those in the first place.

DIANE TOOK ANOTHER MAN TO THE ART SHOW (performance?) SAM SKIPPED OUT ON! This explains why she she was acting shady after getting that fortune from the scale.

“The only battles I ever won in life, I won on my own.” Sam

“That was brilliantly put.” Diane

“You said that to me a few days ago.” Sam

“But you remembered it and used it in the proper context.” Diane

So basically Diane invited this classmate male friend to her apartment after the show and she feels guilty she was able to talk about all her interests with someone who gave a shit, and Sam’s reaction is – “I’m grateful. This makes sense. We should break up.” HEH???

And then Sam & Diane attempt to break up, and in pure Sam & Diane fashion… it’s ridiculous to say the least.

“We can’t break up because a pile of metal springs said we were going to.There’s too much at stake here.” Diane

“Forgive me.” Sam

“Tell me you didn’t break up with me.” Diane

“Of course I didn’t break up with you.” Sam

“Then I’m first. You are history!” Diane

Angry Sam kicks the scale and a fortune comes out – “Machine empty order more fortunes today” except they can’t because the company doesn’t exist.

The Luke Danes of 1980s Boston

(In which we gush over dreamy yet often grumpy bartender Sam Malone)

Sam’s stance on this bar is fire:

Sam, who doesn’t give a shit about this fortune telling scale, taunts Carla with jazz hands after reading her (fake) fortune: “You will grow lips on your forehead”


(Literal Laugh Loud Loud moments from the episode)

Cliff explains to Norm where the fulcrum is on the large crate to open it and the wooden panel falls on his head. Honestly the physical comedy makes me laugh more than Coach’s jokes. He did have one quip that made me chortle in episode nine:

Sam: Coach, we don’t want to be bothered.

Coach: Who does?

Also, Coach’s description of the antique scale salesman (?) as a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler was ALMOST funny.

“Then we split some clams casino and a little Chateaubriand, her favorite wine. Next thing, we went back to what used to be our place and we kind of made love.” Norm

“You can’t ‘kind of’ make love.” Sam

“You don’t know Vera.” Norm

Say It Again, Sam

(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)

“It’s a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.” Sam speaking the truth about himself. Everyone is getting out of hand with this scale’s fortunes,

“She’s losing what’s left of her grey matter and I don’t mean her underwear.” Diane about Carla

“You’re crackers, you know that?” Sam to Diane. Crackers, y’all. (TBH, sounds like more of a Diane term. Her influence is showing.)

Cheers Queries

Cliff fell down the stairs and is now all unconscious and has no idea what is going on. In the last episode, Cliff comes face to face with a bully, and proves that he’s not a wuss by showing off his karate skills. He breaks a 4×4 and cement block. Only problem is that he doesn’t know karate and has to secretly ask Diane to take him to the hospital because he probably has a concussion. I’m starting to think this was some sort of continuity thing but maybe not? Does any of this even matter?

I guess I also have a general question about Sam and Diane’s relationship. I definitely ship Sam/Diane but I wish the tactic wasn’t always to up the conflict between them. Like introducing girls Sam’s going to be into (oh lord, I almost wrote Luke instead of Sam there), or having Diane’s “highbrow” interests get in the way. So my query is just… do we have to? I want a solid 5 episode streak where Sam and Diane are good and the conflict comes from Coach’s house burning down or Carla not knowing who her baby is or something.

Barfly Fashion

Sam’s green sweater is so fresh and so clean

For some reason, Norm’s blue cardi just screams 1984 to me. 

Also very 1984, Carla’s pink velour long sleeved shirt and complementing maroon velour pants. (I also feel like velour doesn’t breathe and she’s going to be trapped in a sweat-shell and that it’s going to absorb spilled beer from the counter like a bar mop.)

Sam’s velour pants. So hot. Diane’s blue peasant blouse + green velour skirt. Not as hot. Just classy af.

Next Up: We are basing our watch list off of AV Club’s 10 Episodes That Show How Cheers Stayed Great For 11 Seasons. We’re going chronologically, so stop by next month when we’ll discuss season three, episode 14, The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter.

That’s Professor Angelina Jolie to You

Angelina Jolie recently announced she’s going to be a professor at the London School of Economics. Yeah, you read that right. Ok, I guess there’s more. She’ll be a visiting professor at the school and will teach a master’s class at the Center for Women, Peace and Security. Angelina is expected to discuss the role of women as they work alongside governments and the United Nations. If you’re wondering, the job is unpaid. So that all checks out.

I can only imagine that first class – as a student, impatiently waiting for a full-blown Hollywood superstar to come through the door and teach you about the world. It would be surreal and I don’t know how anyone could manage to easily pay attention. And that’s Angelina Jolie. I don’t even fangirl for her that much. But what if your faves stood behind a podium and taught you a college course? Or ever worse – one of your least faves walked in to give a lecture?

I’ve compiled a list of just some celebs I think would be great professors, and some… that should maybe stick to their day jobs.

Best: Lin-Manuel Miranda

Fact – Lin used to be a substitute English teacher at his former high school, so he already has the skills to be a real professor. He’s always engaging, always interesting to listen to and is a literal genius. Not to mention he’s already taught millions of people around the world about an American founding father. Sure, we might have known he was shot in a duel, but without Lin’s creative way of infusing history into pop culture, we would probably never known Angelica Schuyler’s full story or stanned over a real dude named Hercules Mulligan. Lin’s a professor of life, y’all.

Worst: Quentin Tarantino

I just imagine him talking way too much and spending an extra 45 minutes over class time explaining why The Grim Reaper is the most underrated of all of Bertolucci’s films.

Best: Bryan Cranston

He played a high school chemistry teacher, so why not? You know, if you forget the whole drug dealer lit’rally breaking bad thing. IRL, Bryan never fails to entertain – I dare you to find an interview in which he’s not charming and hilarious. He’d be the cool professor that would be okay with you stealthily drinking wine out of a tumbler.

Worst: Kanye West

A 45 minute rant on art and business and fashion? Pass. I’d be ok with a 45 minute concert from him tho, TBH.

Best: Kerry Washington

Ah the queen. She’s obviously a phenomenal actress, but her philanthropy and passion to speak out about important causes like women’s rights and equality and education is energizing and I just want to learn how to be as much like her as possible.

Worst: Stacey Dash

I think that speaks for itself.

Worst: Idris Elba

Training for my next Film. Bastille Day. Grinding.

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Let’s face it, I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d spend the whole class picturing him naked, which is probably not a good way to pass a class. Maybe auditing is the way to go.

Celebrating The Rachel, On The 20th Anniversary Of Its Death

The Rachel is dead.

Long live The Rachel.

Jennifer Aniston’s choppy shag – the biggest boon to the round brush industry to date – met its end by Season 3 of Friends. That means that right now, we are celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Rachel’s death.

I think that to avoid looking too dated or silly, you should avoid any haircut with a first name (unless that name is bob. Pretty classic). But in 1996, America couldn’t resist the curled-under layers of Jennifer Aniston’s bouncy ‘do.

In the years since The Rachel died, Aniston has been pretty vocal about the cut:

Like anyone who has tried to curl their ends with a blowdryer while twirling a brush with the other hand, Jennifer hated styling her haircut. In 2011, she went so far as to call it “the ugliest haircut I have ever seen.”  My favorite part: stylist Chris McMillan was (allegedly) high when he created the style. “Stoned out of his mind,” Aniston said.

Okay, but was the Rachel really that bad? Let’s take a look-see.

I mean. Highlights have come a long way, and at the time those frosty pieces read more “sun-kissed” and less chunky. But NOBODY’S hair curls in towards their face like that, and that was the Rachel’s biggest downfall. Add in some cowlicks or waves and this thing is toast; try it on stick-straight hair, and it’ll just hang straight down with layers that look like they were cut with kitchen scissors.

Here’s the thing to remember, two decades on. It wasn’t just that people liked Rachel Green’s hairdo. It’s that the haircut spread across the nation like nothing I’ve seen before or since. (Closest match: Kate Gosselin’s I Want To Talk To The Manager haircut; that heavily inverted bob that looked cool for about a month and now just looks like a short haircut with two long puppy ears in the front.) It started with the moms. It moved on to the 20-somethings. I was 9, and my mom joked that I should get The Rachel.

Don’t think that just because The Rachel crawled off Jennifer Aniston’s head and died in 1996, it was gone for good. That baby multiplied and infested heads worldwide. In the early 2000s, you could still see a Rachel in the wild. Legend has it that a few dozen Rachels still exist in the natural world, but even if not, the echoes of the Rachel can be heard.  Every time your stylist asks if you want “a little face-frame,” the Rachel lives on. When a hairdresser suggests “some piece-y layers for texture,” you can hear the wind whisper “Rachel.” And whenever a thick highlight is pulled through a latex cap, the faint sound of Chris McMillan’s hairstyling shears floats into the room.


Palme d’Or Fashion at Cannes 2016

And just like that the 69th annual Cannes Film Festival came to an end on Sunday. A lot of headline-making news came out of the nearly two weeks on the French Riviera, including Julia Roberts’ first time at the fest, Woody Allen (just being present and alive), Blake Lively’s “Oakland booty”, Kristen Stewart’s movie getting booed, exes Sean Penn and Charlize Theron’s movie getting booed, and of course all the stunning fashion.

One of the most iconic aspects about the Cannes Film Festival is the red carpet and steps leading up to the Grand Theatre Lumiere. It’s here where stars are lit’rally surrounded by photographers, and then they’re meant to walk up the stairs (without tripping) in front of all the world to see. Speaking of Julia, she didn’t dare make a fool of herself during her Cannes debut, and she even walked up the stairs barefoot. But she wasn’t the only one to make her mark on the red carpet. I must admit, this year seemed a bit off to me fashion-wise. Usually there are more looks that are appealing to me, but here are a handful I did appreciate over the course of the past 11 days at Cannes.

Anna Kendrick in Stella McCartney {Cafe Society premiere}

Over the years, Anna’s been on my best dressed list for various events, but it wasn’t until recently that I really realized just how much I adore her style. She always looks classy and beautiful and never over the top.

Riley Keough in Gucci {American Honey Premiere}

Apparently this dress got mixed reviews by fashion critics, but I happen to think it’s great. The fabric is so intriguing to me and I actually like the color combo. I’d be interested to see if that yellow color is more mustard or pea green IRL, which may or may not change my mind about liking it.

Marion Cotillard in Dior Haute Couture {From the Land and the Moon premiere}

Timeless beauty, that Marion Cotillard. This is the type of dress that is perfect for Cannes – classic and simple yet glamourous and eye-catching. I love the pop of red from her lipstick and the subtle slit on the side of the dress.

Elle Fanning in Zuhair Murad {The Neon Demon Premiere}

Elle Fanning is an adult. Well, she’s 18 so she’s technically an adult. But like Dakota, she’s always had a great sense of style, maybe even moreso than her older sis. This gown is perfect for a young lady of her age, and the sheer skirt makes it just sexy enough to show she’s not a kid anymore.

Kirsten Dunst in Gucci {Cafe Society premiere}

I normally wouldn’t be into a dress like this but for some reason I totally am. Reasons: A) the blush pink color. B) The dainty black bow belt C) Long sleeved realness D) The flowers should be obnoxious, but they’re not

Kirsten Dunsty in Dior Haute Couture {Jury photocall}

I had to put one of Kirsten’s first looks from the festival on here too because I loved it so much. She was one of the jury members this year so she had to be at a lot of the events. But this 1950s inspired dress reminds me of Grace Kelly and old Hollywood glamour. Like she’s a movie star from the ’50s and she’s vacationing in the French Riviera. The gold belt gives it a modern twist and the shoes are weirdly both retro and futuristic at the same time. Not pictured: the rattan purse she toted around.

Bella Hadid in Alexandre Vauthier Couture {The Unknown Girl Premiere}

Well this was definitely the most talked about dress at Cannes this year. New It Girl Bella Hadid showed up with a slit so high Angelina Jolie’s leg would be jealous. I’m always impressed when ladies can pull something like this off. I don’t even necessarily think she’s one of the best dressed, but rather the most daring. Also I read an article from her stylist – in case you’re wondering, a bodysuit is basically sewn into the dress, so even if the skirt moved in a way you’d see her crotch, you wouldn’t be able to see anything because she has a high-waisted red satin body suit under there.

Adele Exarchopoulos in Louis Vuitton {The Last Face premiere}

My first reaction to this was a big Nope Keep Scrolling. But then I went back to it and grew to love it. Cannes is usually more formal and ball gown-y, especially on the red carpet, but this is totally her style. Her hair and make-up also push the entire look over the edge to fabulous.

Charlize Theron in Dior {The Last Face premiere}

Adele’s co-star Charlize Theron showed up in her best revenge suit for the premiere of their film which was directed by her ex Sean Penn. I love a lady looking fierce in a suit, and Charlize is it. The low cut blouse, the pulled back hair, the semi-flared pants and black heels – TO DIE. Also, she kept hanging on to Adele the entire time they did press, so naturally the Internet ships them already. Ok, I do too.

Charlize Theron in Givenchy {The Last Face Photocall}

For a more feminine look, Charlize opted to wear this lace number for the movie’s photo call, which is traditionally the time when stars can be more lax in their outfits. Charlize still looks as great as she does at the premiere, and I appreciate that she didn’t overdo it with make-up or accessories, since the dress can speak volumes for itself.

Ryan Gosling in Ralph Lauren Purple Label {The Nice Guys premiere}

I mean, look at him.


Completely Honest ‘Sunday Routine’ Activities

Congratulations, Vanessa Bayer. In addition to having the best damn Rachel from Friends impression I’ve ever heard, you’re the only honest person in the New York Times’ Sunday Routine feature. Vanessa orders in food, catches up on her DVR, naps meditates, and earned her very own New York times headline calling her ‘very lazy.’

If this sounds unexceptional to you, you probably aren’t a dedicated hate-reader of The Sunday Routine. For the past several years, famous, accomplished, or upwardly mobile New Yorkers have chronicled their unrealistically busy Sundays in this feature. I think that by now, it has overtaken the Vows section as the most infuriating – yet perversely entertaining – part of the Times.

Here’s a typical Sunday Routine. It’ll be about, let’s say, Marika and Joel. She’s a costume historian and he’s the C.O.O. of an artisan paper startup. Marika gets up at 5 for sunrise yoga: “as I move through my asanas, the sun warms my heart chakra until I, too, radiate light.”  (Ed. note: she does not.) Meanwhile, Joel goes for a long jog through a neighborhood where people are doing a blue-collar job. He says something supportive but kind of condescending about them. Then Marika and Joel pick up the paper and go back home to read it in bed with some French press coffee that Joel grabbed from the roasters on the way back from his jog. By about 7, the kids start waking up and pile into their bed and they just all hang out together as a family. “This is secretly my favorite time of the whole week,” Marika says. (Ed. note: who was watching the kids during the run and yoga? Trick question. Marika and Joel don’t really do any of this every Sunday. It’s a collection of things they HAVE done before, compiled into one upwardly mobile day.) The whole family enjoys a big crepe breakfast that Joel makes every week. Meanwhile, Marika runs around the corner to pick up a few cartons of cold-pressed juice. By 8:00, it’s time to go to the park, where their two less-smart kids ride European-looking bicycles and their smart kid plays chess with a wise old man who teaches him about life. This is when Marika likes to set up on the grass and practice her watercolors. Before they know it, it’s 9:15 and time to head to the practice of an underprivileged youth jazz ensemble that Joel mentors. Sometimes Marika comes along – she arranges most of the pieces – but other times, she takes the kids to their favorite Japanese movie house. We’re not even at 10 AM yet. It continues like that until Marika and Joel do some “journaling” and collapse into a deep slumber at 11:30PM.

I like my Sundays to be a little productive, plus I’m terrible at sitting still for more than 20 minutes, but I’ve never shoehorned so much into my Sunday routine. But if you told me you did any of the following Sunday activities on the regular, I’d believe you:

  • Cleaning. Because even though we all know we’re supposed to do one or two tasks every day so we never have to do a dedicated cleaning session, that never happens and all of a sudden my living room is coated in a thick blanket of dog hair (poor thing, I don’t know how she isn’t bald) and cat hair (total jerk, pretty sure she’s figured out how to shed on purpose).
  • One household task that ends up taking all day. For instance, this week I went to the public market and bought flowers. Then there was an antique vendor there with the perfect bed for my guest room/office. So I dropped the plants off at home and went back for the bed. THEN I needed potting soil, which took me to the garden store. Then my nieces and nephews were over and my niece got so covered in dirt and seeds that, with enough light and water, she will be a twenty pound walking bean farm within 8-10 days. Anyway. That took my whole damn day. It isn’t always flowers. Sometimes it’s putting a shelf together, or going through your closet, or tidying the basement. Same result.
  • Catch Up On DVR. I can’t be the only one who treats catching up on TV as an actual task on my to-do list? Plus Sunday’s a good day for it, so you don’t end up two weeks behind on anything.
  • Have a terrible time grocery shopping. Everyone shops on Saturdays and Sundays. That’s what I tell myself, grumbling, every week when I do my grocery shopping on the weekend, as though I’m not part of the problem myself. The good thing is that Saturdays and Sundays are usually the free sample days. Yes, I am willing to put on a performance of being interested in whatever they’re selling long enough to get a sample. I think this is one of those “there are two kinds of people in this world” thingies, and I will never be that person who can just casually grab a paper cup off the sample cart and keep walking. Sometimes I even buy things I don’t want because I’ve engaged for too long. I’m eating some PopCorners right now thanks to the lady at the sample cart. What are PopCorners? Not sure exactly! They’re like if you made chips out of crushed popcorn from a movie theater floor, kind of. They’re not very good!
  • Feel guilty while hanging out with my dog. Sometimes on a Sunday I walk my dog, or play catch, and feel guilty because I know Monday is coming but she doesn’t. If you have children, feel free to substitute ‘feel guilty while hanging out with my kid.’
  • Read a book on my porch. But really, watch the neighbors across the street. Their Sunday routine involves getting very dressed up for church, the mom yelling at the kids a lot until they’re in the car, coming back hours later, then playing sports outdoors.
  • Some weird existential stuff. What am I doing with my life? Does it even matter – the universe is so large and time is so vast? Best case scenario, I have lived 1/3 of my life already. Getting to live the amount I have two times again doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe people will be living a really long time when I’m old and I won’t have to worry about it. Do I like my job? What would it be like if I didn’t have to work? – These are things that don’t plague me at all, except for like 5 minutes on a Sunday. That’s why they have church on Sundays. Because that’s when everyone has their weird existential stuff. Yet somehow ‘weird existential stuff’ never shows up in the Sunday routine.

ICYMI: Get Ready For Jojo To Meet Her Unicorn

Hey people with no shame – The Bachelorette returns tomorrow! Will Jojo find her own unicorn??

#ManCrushMonday: Everyone Not On This Season Of The Bachelorette

ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.

Fake Name: Stellan

Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar

Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage

Real name: Evan

Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)

Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing

Will he last? Nah.


Fake Name: Tyler

Fake Occupation: Coffee Enthusiast

Fake Rando Fact: Been an extra in five episodes of Portlandia

Real name: Wells

Real Occupation: Radio DJ

Real Rando Fact: He doesn’t like pizza.

Will he last? Maybe? I’m not-so-secretly rooting for him, based on nothing.


Fake Name: Nate

Fake Occupation: Product Developer

Fake Rando Fact: Doesn’t hide the fact he loves Ryan Gosling

Real name: Chad

Real Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent

Real Rando Fact: “All-time favorite movies – The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)”

Will he last? It wasn’t over, it still isn’t over

Hopefully Jojo will be more like Kaitlyn before her as opposed to Bachelor Juan, who as we all know, is *not okay*.

How Not to Suck as the Bachelor : A Juan-Sheet Guide to Finding Love on TV

The 18th season of America’s guilty pleasure show, The Bachelor, came to a confusing, anti-climatic, aggravating end on Monday, and you can thank this guy for that. A 32 year old born to Venezuelan parents in Ithaca, New York, he went to college in our hometown of Rochester, New York, where he played soccer. He consequently went pro, playing for teams I don’t know the name of and don’t care enough to look up. He has an accent, a young daughter, six-pack abs, and is the very first ‘minority’ Bachelor. So on paper he sounds like a great catch.

Even if you don’t watch this show (which, believe me, I applaud you if you haven’t given in yet), you may have seen on the internetz that this guy made a lot of people angry and has even been called ‘the worst Bachelor in the history of the series’. He had a lot of strikes against him and it only built up throughout the season. But now that he’s finally relieved of his title, here’s a handy guide on how to not be the next ‘worst Bachelor’ for whoever ends up as the lucky guy next.

Rule # Juan (see what I did there) : Be open to the whole ‘Bachelor’ process

Finding your potential wife/husband on national TV is weird. It’s really fucking weird. And let’s face it, the success rate is not that high. Out of the 18 seasons of The Bachelor, only one (Sean Lowe, best Bach ever) married the ‘winner’. And as for Bachelorettes, out of nine seasons, two are married (Trista and Ashley) and one (Desiree) is still engaged. However, with all of these couples, it has worked because the Bachelor/Bachelorette has gone in with an open mind and completely gave in to the process of possibly falling in love. You really can’t go into the show being scared and unwilling to let your guard down, otherwise you’re wasting everyone’s time. Not only are you not letting yourself be open to romance, but it doesn’t really provide for a good television show, production wise. People watch this show to see a love story, even if it doesn’t end in a proposal.  The good Bachelor/ettes are totally down for meeting 25+ single people in one night, handing out roses in corny ceremonies, going on group dates, going on two-on-one dates and going on absolutely lame and embarrassing dates.

^In which the men of season 8 try to impress Emily wearing kilts & participating in traditional Irish games. In Croatia. Also, RIP Emily & Jef. ^

Not to mention, you have to be willing to talk about what you’re going through. This is a TELEVISION SHOW. Do NOT expect people to just guess or assume what you’re thinking. You can’t just sit there and stare at the camera, or give a close-ended answer (i.e. use the improv rule of ‘Yes, and’ so there’s always something more to talk about). Throughout the entire season, we never really got a real feeling of how Juan Pablo felt about the girls. Except when he complimented the ladies on their looks or that he ‘really liked’ them. Never once did he say that he was falling in love with any of the girls. I get that if he’s not ready to say he’s in love, then he shouldn’t say it for the sake of it, but JP just flat out refused to talk about his feelings, particularly in the finale.

Example: When host Chris Harrison asked JP straight up whether he was in love with Nikki, he said, “I’m not going to answer that question.”

EXCUSE ME? “I’m not going to answer that question”?! Get the stick up out of your butt and tell everyone how you feel.

Even Nikki, who was interviewed by herself, told Chris that while she said she’s totally in love with him, JP has never said it to her, but that doesn’t matter, because, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me – it’s like in his actions. I know that he does (love me). I know that he cares about me a lot.” Ay yi yi, Nikki,

Rule # 2: Be careful of what you say/don’t be an idiot

Earlier this season (maybe sometime in ‘Juan-uary’. Really, that’s what ABC called it), a reporter asked JP what he thought about the show having a gay or bisexual bachelor. His response was long winded, but basically he said the phrases, “I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV,” and, “There’s this thing about gay people… They’re more pervert in a sense.”

Well… to reiterate, English is not Juan Pablo’s first language. However, he has lived in America most of his life. But of course, JP defended himself by saying, “It was a misuse of a word… It’s been hard because, to me, when I speak English, it happened to me through two months of filming, sometimes the words that I used were not interpreted the way that they should be interpreted, or I used a wrong word. So I will go on my phone, Google and find the right word, and do it that way.”

I’m not fluent or anything, but I’m pretty sure ‘pervert’ in English is ‘pervert’ in Spanish.

Rule #3: Don’t be rude to Chris Harrison

That man is Bachelor Nation royalty. He is the crown jewel of this franchise and you DO NOT mess with him. You are not rude to Chris Harrison, you do not snap at Chris Harrison (clearly a two-namer). But at the live After the Final Rose special on Monday, JP was weirdly condescending to our beloved Chris Harrison and even accused him of cutting him off when he was asking him a question. Being combative and slightly offensive to the heart of The Bachelor is a sure fire way for the entirety of Bachelor Nation to go against you. It’s like ganging up on Oprah or Jennifer Lawrence. You don’t do it.

Rule #4: Don’t sign up for the show if you just want fame

Listen, I realize this is still reality TV. HOWEVER, people can see through that shit. And in turn, it might backfire on your believability, especially as the Bachelor. This show isn’t American Idol, The Voice, Project Runway, any of those type of shows. The main goal isn’t to win a recording contract or a grand prize at the end. It’s not based on material things. It’s based on the ‘winner’ finding a partner and hopefully someone they love and could spend the rest of their life with. It’s based on emotion, so when you’re out there in the world, doing press and seeming utterly ingenuine about the entire experience, it can lead to viewers not tuning in. All I’m saying is all these pix of him with celebs are a little sketchy, no?


Allison Williams LOVES The Bachelor, but is soooo over JP. Preach.

Giving Queen Kerry Washington a rose. In the words of Eli/Rowan Pope: “Run away” Run far away.”

While we’re at it, don’t sign up for endorsement deals while you’re still the Bachelor/Bachelorette. (Side note: SMH at the fact this company in my hometown agreed to do this.)

Rule #5: Be honest, but don’t be a dick

Ah, this is probably the rule that JP broke an ultimately made him one of the most disliked Bachelors ever. Let’s start with Andi. I’m pretty sure JP made Bach history when two girls voluntarily quit the show – and they are both my favorites. In particular, we have Andi, who made it to the final three, and got the infamous ‘Fantasy Suite’. For those who don’t watch the show (kudos for still reading this), the Fantasy Suite allows the Bach and each of his 3 remaining women to spend their first night together without the cameras around. When it came to Andi’s date, apparently it didn’t go so well.  She legit called it a “nightmare” and a “disaster”, saying she couldn’t wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite the next morning.

Apparently every time she tried to talk about her feelings or tell stories about herself, JP just turned it back to him, not once asking anything about her or her life. AND he talked about his overnight date with Clare, who I’ll get to in a second. Andi said,”There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole… I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope he did not think that that was a good date.” Cut to: Juan Pablo telling Chris Harrison the date went amazing. The editing on this show, I tell ya. So good. 

So after that, Andi obvs decided to leave, and her confrontation with JP is so odd. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. JP keeps talking about being honest, but his honesty comes off as rude and as Andi said, he has no filter.  Oh another rule: know that it’s never just “okay”.

Andi aside (PS, she’s the next Bachelorette, and she’s going to be great. I can feel it), we have Clare. Clare turned out to be the runner-up, which isn’t surprising since she and JP had such a ‘connection’ since the first episode. Cast in point, the time they were in Vietnam and Clare snuck out of her hotel to be with JP, and the two did something in the ocean that may or may not have been sex? No one knows because it wasn’t on camera. What we do know is that JP decided to bring it up ON camera, and basically proceeded to slut-shame Clare, saying he regretted it and it was a mistake and he was ashamed for his daughter to see him on his late-night hookup.

AND THEN, on their final date, they had a moment to themselves without the cameras or mics on yet AGAIN, and JP said something to Clare, which she refused to say on the record, but described it as “something that no woman wants to hear. It was insulting, it was offensive and it just made me feel awful.” Yikes. Remember kids, just because it’s off-camera doesn’t mean it won’t go on-camera. And Clare even asked him straight up about their relationship and he was all ‘You’re special to me’ and ‘I can see us having babies’ etc. Then like 2 days later he dumped her.

She stuck to her guns in the end, and told him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and after she walked away, he said, “Oooh, I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Oof.

Rule #6: ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’

Catherine, Sean’s new wife and one of my faves, was at the finale with some other Bach alums, and just like the rest of the country, trying to make sense of everything that was happening. One thing was clear was that JP was seemingly throwing the show, ABC, everyone involved except for Nikki under the bus. Catherine said, ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’, a phrase we all know, but Chris Harrison literally had to explain what it meant to JP, because, you know, English isn’t is first language.

Before Catherine’s on point insight, Chris Harrison, who had been teasing a big surprise all night, said to JP, “One of our network executives said that you had a big surprise for tonight,” to which he replied, “Do I have a big surprise? I don’t. This is my secret. I’m here, happy, with Nikki. We’re very happy, both of us. And we’re going to start a relationship from today on.”

… Um, that was definitely not what the surprise was. Chris Harrison later told Entertainment Tonight that after the final rose ceremony in St. Lucia where he picked Nikki, JP told an ABC exec that he would have a ‘big surprise’ on the ATFR, which they expected to be a proposal. I mean resident jeweller Neil Lane was even there, but ABC peeps are reportedly holding on to the ring until JP wants to propose to Nikki. Except by the looks of it, he wants nothing to do with ABC (or Chris Harrison) ever again. There are rumors that JP cancelled their post-show press tour and was butt hurt he wasn’t chosen to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars (like his predecessor Sean), and he was mad about that? But I don’t think that’s true. I think he’s just an ungrateful douchebag. On Tuesday, he posted this video/song dedicated to Nikki with the caption:

Thanks for these
now that the CHARACTER of ‘The Bachelor’
is OVER, it is time for US to live our life for REAL.
Juan Pablo

Did I mention he has a weird thing with capitalizing random words? Also, Te ADORO means ‘I love you’ right? He can say it on a YouTube video, but not on national television?

Chris Harrison said that after the final interview with JP and Nikki at the ATFR special, JP asked Chris, “Are we done?” Chris Harrison said yes, and JP grabbed Nikki’s hand and walked out the door with total silence from the live studio audience. And that is how we want to say our final adios to you too.