Hey people with no shame – The Bachelorette returns tomorrow! Will Jojo find her own unicorn??
ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.
Fake Name: Stellan
Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar
Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage
Real name: Evan
Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)
Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing
Will he last? Nah.
Fake Name: Tyler
Fake Occupation: Coffee Enthusiast
Fake Rando Fact: Been an extra in five episodes of Portlandia
Real name: Wells
Real Occupation: Radio DJ
Real Rando Fact: He doesn’t like pizza.
Will he last? Maybe? I’m not-so-secretly rooting for him, based on nothing.
Fake Name: Nate
Fake Occupation: Product Developer
Fake Rando Fact: Doesn’t hide the fact he loves Ryan Gosling
Real name: Chad
Real Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
Real Rando Fact: “All-time favorite movies – The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)”
Will he last? It wasn’t over, it still isn’t over
Hopefully Jojo will be more like Kaitlyn before her as opposed to Bachelor Juan, who as we all know, is *not okay*.
The 18th season of America’s guilty pleasure show, The Bachelor, came to a confusing, anti-climatic, aggravating end on Monday, and you can thank this guy for that. A 32 year old born to Venezuelan parents in Ithaca, New York, he went to college in our hometown of Rochester, New York, where he played soccer. He consequently went pro, playing for teams I don’t know the name of and don’t care enough to look up. He has an accent, a young daughter, six-pack abs, and is the very first ‘minority’ Bachelor. So on paper he sounds like a great catch.
Even if you don’t watch this show (which, believe me, I applaud you if you haven’t given in yet), you may have seen on the internetz that this guy made a lot of people angry and has even been called ‘the worst Bachelor in the history of the series’. He had a lot of strikes against him and it only built up throughout the season. But now that he’s finally relieved of his title, here’s a handy guide on how to not be the next ‘worst Bachelor’ for whoever ends up as the lucky guy next.
Rule # Juan (see what I did there) : Be open to the whole ‘Bachelor’ process
Finding your potential wife/husband on national TV is weird. It’s really fucking weird. And let’s face it, the success rate is not that high. Out of the 18 seasons of The Bachelor, only one (Sean Lowe, best Bach ever) married the ‘winner’. And as for Bachelorettes, out of nine seasons, two are married (Trista and Ashley) and one (Desiree) is still engaged. However, with all of these couples, it has worked because the Bachelor/Bachelorette has gone in with an open mind and completely gave in to the process of possibly falling in love. You really can’t go into the show being scared and unwilling to let your guard down, otherwise you’re wasting everyone’s time. Not only are you not letting yourself be open to romance, but it doesn’t really provide for a good television show, production wise. People watch this show to see a love story, even if it doesn’t end in a proposal. The good Bachelor/ettes are totally down for meeting 25+ single people in one night, handing out roses in corny ceremonies, going on group dates, going on two-on-one dates and going on absolutely lame and embarrassing dates.
^In which the men of season 8 try to impress Emily wearing kilts & participating in traditional Irish games. In Croatia. Also, RIP Emily & Jef. ^
Not to mention, you have to be willing to talk about what you’re going through. This is a TELEVISION SHOW. Do NOT expect people to just guess or assume what you’re thinking. You can’t just sit there and stare at the camera, or give a close-ended answer (i.e. use the improv rule of ‘Yes, and’ so there’s always something more to talk about). Throughout the entire season, we never really got a real feeling of how Juan Pablo felt about the girls. Except when he complimented the ladies on their looks or that he ‘really liked’ them. Never once did he say that he was falling in love with any of the girls. I get that if he’s not ready to say he’s in love, then he shouldn’t say it for the sake of it, but JP just flat out refused to talk about his feelings, particularly in the finale.
Example: When host Chris Harrison asked JP straight up whether he was in love with Nikki, he said, “I’m not going to answer that question.”
EXCUSE ME? “I’m not going to answer that question”?! Get the stick up out of your butt and tell everyone how you feel.
Even Nikki, who was interviewed by herself, told Chris that while she said she’s totally in love with him, JP has never said it to her, but that doesn’t matter, because, “It’s not that he doesn’t tell me – it’s like in his actions. I know that he does (love me). I know that he cares about me a lot.” Ay yi yi, Nikki,
Rule # 2: Be careful of what you say/don’t be an idiot
Earlier this season (maybe sometime in ‘Juan-uary’. Really, that’s what ABC called it), a reporter asked JP what he thought about the show having a gay or bisexual bachelor. His response was long winded, but basically he said the phrases, “I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV,” and, “There’s this thing about gay people… They’re more pervert in a sense.”
Well… to reiterate, English is not Juan Pablo’s first language. However, he has lived in America most of his life. But of course, JP defended himself by saying, “It was a misuse of a word… It’s been hard because, to me, when I speak English, it happened to me through two months of filming, sometimes the words that I used were not interpreted the way that they should be interpreted, or I used a wrong word. So I will go on my phone, Google and find the right word, and do it that way.”
I’m not fluent or anything, but I’m pretty sure ‘pervert’ in English is ‘pervert’ in Spanish.
Rule #3: Don’t be rude to Chris Harrison
That man is Bachelor Nation royalty. He is the crown jewel of this franchise and you DO NOT mess with him. You are not rude to Chris Harrison, you do not snap at Chris Harrison (clearly a two-namer). But at the live After the Final Rose special on Monday, JP was weirdly condescending to our beloved Chris Harrison and even accused him of cutting him off when he was asking him a question. Being combative and slightly offensive to the heart of The Bachelor is a sure fire way for the entirety of Bachelor Nation to go against you. It’s like ganging up on Oprah or Jennifer Lawrence. You don’t do it.
Rule #4: Don’t sign up for the show if you just want fame
Listen, I realize this is still reality TV. HOWEVER, people can see through that shit. And in turn, it might backfire on your believability, especially as the Bachelor. This show isn’t American Idol, The Voice, Project Runway, any of those type of shows. The main goal isn’t to win a recording contract or a grand prize at the end. It’s not based on material things. It’s based on the ‘winner’ finding a partner and hopefully someone they love and could spend the rest of their life with. It’s based on emotion, so when you’re out there in the world, doing press and seeming utterly ingenuine about the entire experience, it can lead to viewers not tuning in. All I’m saying is all these pix of him with celebs are a little sketchy, no?
Allison Williams LOVES The Bachelor, but is soooo over JP. Preach.
Giving Queen Kerry Washington a rose. In the words of Eli/Rowan Pope: “Run away” Run far away.”
While we’re at it, don’t sign up for endorsement deals while you’re still the Bachelor/Bachelorette. (Side note: SMH at the fact this company in my hometown agreed to do this.)
Rule #5: Be honest, but don’t be a dick
Ah, this is probably the rule that JP broke an ultimately made him one of the most disliked Bachelors ever. Let’s start with Andi. I’m pretty sure JP made Bach history when two girls voluntarily quit the show – and they are both my favorites. In particular, we have Andi, who made it to the final three, and got the infamous ‘Fantasy Suite’. For those who don’t watch the show (kudos for still reading this), the Fantasy Suite allows the Bach and each of his 3 remaining women to spend their first night together without the cameras around. When it came to Andi’s date, apparently it didn’t go so well. She legit called it a “nightmare” and a “disaster”, saying she couldn’t wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite the next morning.
Apparently every time she tried to talk about her feelings or tell stories about herself, JP just turned it back to him, not once asking anything about her or her life. AND he talked about his overnight date with Clare, who I’ll get to in a second. Andi said,”There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole… I hope he did not think that went well. I really hope he did not think that that was a good date.” Cut to: Juan Pablo telling Chris Harrison the date went amazing. The editing on this show, I tell ya. So good.
So after that, Andi obvs decided to leave, and her confrontation with JP is so odd. Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. JP keeps talking about being honest, but his honesty comes off as rude and as Andi said, he has no filter. Oh another rule: know that it’s never just “okay”.
Andi aside (PS, she’s the next Bachelorette, and she’s going to be great. I can feel it), we have Clare. Clare turned out to be the runner-up, which isn’t surprising since she and JP had such a ‘connection’ since the first episode. Cast in point, the time they were in Vietnam and Clare snuck out of her hotel to be with JP, and the two did something in the ocean that may or may not have been sex? No one knows because it wasn’t on camera. What we do know is that JP decided to bring it up ON camera, and basically proceeded to slut-shame Clare, saying he regretted it and it was a mistake and he was ashamed for his daughter to see him on his late-night hookup.
AND THEN, on their final date, they had a moment to themselves without the cameras or mics on yet AGAIN, and JP said something to Clare, which she refused to say on the record, but described it as “something that no woman wants to hear. It was insulting, it was offensive and it just made me feel awful.” Yikes. Remember kids, just because it’s off-camera doesn’t mean it won’t go on-camera. And Clare even asked him straight up about their relationship and he was all ‘You’re special to me’ and ‘I can see us having babies’ etc. Then like 2 days later he dumped her.
She stuck to her guns in the end, and told him she would never want her kids to have a father like him, and after she walked away, he said, “Oooh, I’m glad I didn’t pick her. Oof.”
Rule #6: ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’
Catherine, Sean’s new wife and one of my faves, was at the finale with some other Bach alums, and just like the rest of the country, trying to make sense of everything that was happening. One thing was clear was that JP was seemingly throwing the show, ABC, everyone involved except for Nikki under the bus. Catherine said, ‘Don’t slap the hand that feeds you’, a phrase we all know, but Chris Harrison literally had to explain what it meant to JP, because, you know, English isn’t is first language.
Before Catherine’s on point insight, Chris Harrison, who had been teasing a big surprise all night, said to JP, “One of our network executives said that you had a big surprise for tonight,” to which he replied, “Do I have a big surprise? I don’t. This is my secret. I’m here, happy, with Nikki. We’re very happy, both of us. And we’re going to start a relationship from today on.”
… Um, that was definitely not what the surprise was. Chris Harrison later told Entertainment Tonight that after the final rose ceremony in St. Lucia where he picked Nikki, JP told an ABC exec that he would have a ‘big surprise’ on the ATFR, which they expected to be a proposal. I mean resident jeweller Neil Lane was even there, but ABC peeps are reportedly holding on to the ring until JP wants to propose to Nikki. Except by the looks of it, he wants nothing to do with ABC (or Chris Harrison) ever again. There are rumors that JP cancelled their post-show press tour and was butt hurt he wasn’t chosen to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars (like his predecessor Sean), and he was mad about that? But I don’t think that’s true. I think he’s just an ungrateful douchebag. On Tuesday, he posted this video/song dedicated to Nikki with the caption:
Thanks for these
INTERESTING 4 months of HIDING,
now that the CHARACTER of ‘The Bachelor’
is OVER, it is time for US to live our life for REAL.
Did I mention he has a weird thing with capitalizing random words? Also, Te ADORO means ‘I love you’ right? He can say it on a YouTube video, but not on national television?
Chris Harrison said that after the final interview with JP and Nikki at the ATFR special, JP asked Chris, “Are we done?” Chris Harrison said yes, and JP grabbed Nikki’s hand and walked out the door with total silence from the live studio audience. And that is how we want to say our final adios to you too.