Category Archives: Miscellany

Everything I Remember Buying At Claire’s, 1994 – 1999

Posted in Miscellany, Outfit Girl by

Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy, and my 90s self would be shocked.  Claire’s was a boutique in the loosest sense of the word – it was more like a Toys R Us of tween accessories, and if my niece’s recent purchases of JoJo Siwa bows and unicorn hair extensions are any indication, it still is. Claire’s may be the latest victim of private-equity fund stewardship, but I think they may emerge victorious — after all, no store is better at giving tween girls exactly what it’s told them they want. I was never one of those kids with an allowance or parent-funded spending sprees, so each of my Claire’s purchase was long-coveted. That’s why, in 2018, I can still remember everything I bought at Claire’s during my childhood:

A Heart-Shaped Locket With Nothing In It

The nostalgia machine remembers the 90s in a few ways: bright and neon in the post-80s years, earth-toned and grungy in the middle, and pop-y and futuristic at the end. However, there was also a weird kind of neo-Victorian thing happening if you looked hard enough (see: country geese , Little Women, Titanic mania). Case in point: lockets, which always seemed kind of important and mysterious even if you had nothing to put in them. We can thank Annie and the American Girls Collection for this.

Mood Ring

You always blushed a bit if it landed on In Love. As a cold person with a low heart rate (actually… what do mood rings even measure?), I think the technical term for my mood ring results was Clinical Death.

Sunflower Hat

The sunflower hat was THE must-have accessory when I was in second grade, c. 1994. Different versions were out there but the staple was a denim bucket hat with a yellow sunflower on it. A little bit Michelle Tanner and a little bit Blossom, you could be any middle-class girl from a family sitcom you wanted in this number. The decision to wear it straight versus tilted was hotly debated … in the before-school lineup at Sacred Heart Cathedral School, anyway.

Confession: I scoped out sunflower hats at Claire’s but mine was actually from Bloomingdale’s. It was Quality Millinery, thank you very much.

Scrunchies

They were gentle on your hair and you could buy one in any finish or pattern you wanted. Bring back the scrunchie.

Velvet or Lace Choker (Cameo Optional)

This was the more early-90s choker. Like the locket, it was part of the Interview With A Vampire aesthetic that was totally appropriate and not at all creepy for tiny children to be into.

Fake Tattoo Choker

This was more late 90s, and I only wore it once because I thought it looked cheap.

Which it did.

You could get them from gumball machines.

Fimo Necklaces

Popular in the 1996-1999 range, these necklaces had a nylon cord or stringed beads and a clay ‘hippie’-esque pendant.

In my personal suburban mall, there was a kiosk that sold these and also wizard candles. For the uninitiated, yes, I actually do mean candles that were shaped like an elderly wizard.

A Piercing

Thing 90s Kids Will Remember: getting your ears pierced by a teenager with a piercing gun and trying not to cry because strangers were eating Auntie Anne’s pretzels on a bench 5 feet away. My ear piercing was a First Communion present and it closed up within a few years, so I am in fact the proud owner of TWO Claire’s piercings. You had to search the earring racks specifically for the ones labelled stainless steel or else your ears would start burning. We had fun.

Headbands Headbands Headbands

Soft headbands, hard headbands that would dig into your temples, plush puffy headbands – if there was one constant in my life from 1995 to 1999, it was that my bangs were in a weird place and I needed hair accessories to deal with them. The worst ever, for my particular frizzy hair and iffy hairline, was the stretchy headband with teeth. They never looked good on me but I bought like 5 of them anyway.

I preferred a classic Alice band because I was a goody-goody, obvs.

Embellished Snap Clips

Remember those flat clips that all the gymnasts wore in the 1996 Olympics? Then, remember the teeny tiny version with daisies and stuff on them? You’d wear them right next to your part.

The real theme here is that as a people, we were dealing with a collective weird bangs situation for the better part of the decade.

Butterfly Clips

The last member of the wonky bangs starter pack, the butterfly clip spanned the difference between headbands and hair clips so you didn’t have to choose. I was pretty sure they looked rocking in my hair and in hindsight, I was entirely correct.

Butterfly Everything

Butterflies were so cool in the late 90s, and I’m so grateful that I was only in Junior High or else I definitely would have left the decade with a butterfly tattoo.*

*  I remember my junior high friends and I declaring that we’d totally get butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings when we were old enough. Now I can have as many butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings as I want, and it turns out I want zero.

Pen with marabou poof

You felt like Cher Horowitz until the ink ran out in a week and you were back to your Bics.

See also: gel pens, despised by every teacher I ever had. Now that my eyeballs are three decades old I Get It.

“Retro” “70s” Stuff

Especially during the 1996-1997 school year, 60s and 70s-inspired accessories were all the rage. We’re talking psychedelic colors, daisies, smiley faces, peace signs. The yin yang was pretty big starting in the earlier 90s but I seem to remember it fading out sooner.

I also remember combing my grandparents’ house for 60s-70s stuff during this time, only to find that most bona fide retro accessories were in the pukey oranges, avocados and browns of old appliances. Claire’s all the way.

Puka Shell Nonsense.

As of high school I had been to like 2 beaches and they were in New England, but still.

My Claire’s years mostly ended around 2000, when I started high school. Yesterday, today, and forever, Claire’s was a store that sold the idea of being a cool teenager to 7-13 year olds — not so much a store for real teenagers. Their financial situation may be bleak, but as long as 10-year-olds long to look 17, I think Claire’s will have a place in children’s fashion mistakes for years to come.

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2018 Winter Olympics Drinking/ Exercise Game

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There’s nothing like the Winter Olympics to remind you that you are not, in fact, an elite athlete. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun… or work on your fitness. If you’re having a raucous Olympics party, A) invite us and B) feel free to play the drinking game version (responsibly, and without driving, and you can use water). If you’re feeling a little less-than fit watching all of these grade A humans, dip into our exercise game instead!

One Sip OR One Set of Mountain Climbers (* A set is what you say is a set!)

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as going down a mountain.

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as doing tricks on snow.

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as doing tricks on ice.

NBC kindly lets us know about The Grinch, a movie coming out in a year, or Mamma Mia, a movie coming out in some months.

You find yourself trying to do what the athlete just did in your living room (turns out I can only land a single lutz in my socks)

You spy an athlete’s parent or significant other.

You cry.

 

One Huge Gulp OR One Set Of Bicep Curls

An Olympian is tenuously connected to your hometown (e.g., grandparents live there, went to college for a few semesters, etc).

Rachel Platten and/or Fight Song.

Image result for rachel platten olympics

You see the Korean Handmaid Cheerleaders.

Image result for korean cheerleaders

An Olympian has a personal mascot (e.g., Hanyu with Pooh),

Image result for hanyu olympics pooh

An athlete collapses to the earth after finishing.

Johnny Weir’s outfit is extra even for him.

You see the Olympic mascotImage result for pyeongchang mascot

You ship it.

Image result for virtue moir olympics 2018

Take a Shot OR One Set Of Bicycle Crunches

An Olympian is from your hometown, for real.

A Russian is of such a higher caliber than the other athletes that it feels like they’re doing a different sport.

Image result for medvedeva

A competitor has what you, personally, consider a baby name. So all those toddlers named Mikaela grew up over the past twenty years?

Image result for mikaela shiffrin

Yep. Definitely a grownup.

The announcer is so fired up that they’re shouting like their house just exploded.

There’s innuendo about the Olympic Village.

You see the Korean Handmaid Cheerleaders’ minder.

You’re watching at a time that you consider totally bonkers.

 

Pour A Little Out For Your Favorite Team/Athlete Who Was Robbed OR Sun Salute

An Olympian is over age 30.

An Olympian who’s roughly your peer is now the commentator.

Image result for tara lipinski johnny weir olympics

Leslie Jones sighting

A commentator says the exact opposite of whatever you just said about the event.

The human interest footage includes clips of the athlete doing their sport as an adorable little tot.

Image result for adam rippon childhood

A competitor has a sibling who is also competing in the games.

Image result for shibutani olympics 2018

The human interest footage tries to make the athlete seem like just a normal person (like an average teen, family man, grad student, etc).

An Olympian is not actually from the country they represent.

Scandinavian Olympians and coaches are knitting.

Chug OR Two Sets Of Burpees

An Olympian is over age 40

The commentators repeat whatever you just said

An Olympian has a sibling who is also competing in the games… for a different country.

Image result for sisters hockey olympics

An Olympian is not actually from the country they represent AND their connection to the country is something you, personally, consider pretty weak (e.g, it’s where their husband is from).

There’s a team from a counter-intuitive country (e.g., Jamaican bobsled)

There’s a competitor who clearly isn’t qualified to be there (this “Hungarian” “skiier”)

 

Mid-Olympics Round Up: PyeongChang 2018

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One week down in Pyeongchang. One week to go of me pretending I know how scoring works in every sport. Despite the fact it’s been cold and windy in South Korea, athletes are giving their all and we’re still rooting for our faves to win medals. Here are just a few highlights from the first week of the 2018 Winter Olympics.

Drones! They Were DRONES!


The opening ceremony of any Olympics games is all about grandiose moments, including this amazing display of lights – that turned out to be drones. Thanks to Intel, they set a world record with 1,218 flying in sync and forming shapes like the iconic Olympic rings. Fun fact: these Intel Shooting Star drones were also the ones used for Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl performance last year!

Tonga Dude is Back

Of course you remember this shirtless dude from the 2016 Olympics. But were you also surprised to see aforementioned shirtless dude again at the Winter Olympics? Well here he is, in all his oiled-up glory. While he was a Taekwondo master in Rio, he is a cross-country skiier in PyeongChang. Unfortch, he didn’t do so hot with the skiis – he placed 114th. Out of 116.

The North Korean Cheer Squad

Look, I’m not going to say much about this other than the fact that there are 230 identical-looking North Korean women singing and moving from the stands in unison to cheer on One Korea. Watch the footage and gather your own assessment. Our feelings are probably the same.

The Return of Shipping Virtue and Moir

You’re lying to yourself if you weren’t rooting for these Canadian ice dancers who definitely are not in love. They had near perfect routines during the team competition, including a performance to a Moulin Rouge medley that they had to change for the Olympics because one of the moves was just too sexy. I say BRING ON THE SEXY.

Adam Rippon’s Interviews = Meryl Streep Level

Our new forever valentine has been a shining light in these Olympics, not only on the ice, but off. Who else can talk about making Reese Witherspoon proud, joke about Xanex, and truly compliment a reporter’s statement necklace than Adam? If he doesn’t make the Olympics team again, he needs to join Johnny and Tara up in that booth.

Red Gerard Was Born in 2000

This kid won the first gold medal for the USA, but he almost didn’t make it to the slopestyle snowboard competition at all – he fell asleep watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and overslept. Bless.

New Bae Alert: Chris Mazdzer

Chris made history as the first American to medal in the men’s single luge competition. And he also made history as the first luger I’ve ever been attracted to. I don’t know a lot of lugers, but still.

Leslie Jones Continues to Slay All Day

Leslie Jones returned as the official unofficial commentator after absolutely killing it at the Rio Olympics. From giving her takes on the figure skating costumes to not understanding Curling at all, you’re really missing out if you’re not watching the best reality show on social media. This time around, her buds at NBC already planned for her to head over to PyeongChang and she’s there now cheering on from the sidelines.

Aliona Savchenko Finally Gets the Gold

Aliona Savchenko is 34 years old. This was her fifth Olympics. She competed in Salt Lake, Torino, Vancouver and Sochi, and won two bronze medals. In 2014 her partner retired and her new partner, Bruno Massot, promised he’d get her a medal other than bronze in PyeongChang. And that he did. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE OLYMPICS.

Chloe Kim Was Born in 2000

The 17 year old is became the youngest woman to win an Olympic snowboarding medal, and this will forever be the last tweet she sent as a non-Olympic gold medalist. Bless.

I, Mirai

Mirai Nagasu became the first American woman to nail a triple axel in the Olympics, and it was  magical. Kristi. Michelle. Mirai. So proud.

The Flying Tomato Strikes Again And Is Less Tomatoey

I found out that Shaun White has been dating the singer from Phantogram and they have a cute dog who has his own Instagram but also he won the gold medal again I’ve never been so nervous USA USA USA

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Adam Rippon, America’s Valentine

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Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, but most especially to America’s newest sweetheart, Adam Rippon!

If you have been following the 2018 Winter Olympic Games in Pyeongchang, you will already be familiar with Adam as the fiercest figure skater and ready-for-the-runway glamazon bitch, always ready with great eyebrows and a witty quip for Andrea and all of us.

If you haven’t, perhaps a little explanation is necessary.

Adam Rippon has been on the figure skating scene for a long while, but at 28 these are his first Olympics. Bummed we didn’t get to watch him in 2014? Don’t be. It’s the DGAF-ness that comes in your late 20s that makes Adam so endearing. You want examples? We’ve got examples, Valentines.

Let’s start with skating. If you missed this performance in the team event, get ready to have your heart ripped out of your chest and triple-axele double-toe double-looped across the ice. YouTube is I guess being very strict about Olympic vids but just go to NBC.

Also the scoring was a little garbage (in the words of Johnny Weir, first place skater Kolyada was “oatmeal”)  but we all know that figure skating’s scoring system needs work.

Adam’s not concerned, though. He came to play. And he’s going to celebrate later by going to Target, which is pretty darn relatable:

Adam has supporters all across the globe, but a few famous ones include Elmo:

And let’s not forget Reese Witherspoon, because all Adam wants to do is maker her proud. Olympic figure skaters, they’re just like us!

Reese was very proud indeed, and Adam dedicated the medal to his mom, “but more to [Reese] in a way, because she has more followers on Instagram”:

He calculates that Reese has probably spent, like, three minutes of her life composing tweets to him, which is a pretty big deal when you think of how busy she is with the next season of Big Little Lies and the spring Draper James collection, among other things.

Adam is Olympic roomies with Mirai Nagasu and their friendship is everything. They’ve been friends for a decade and during the 2014 Olympics they were eating hamburgers on a rooftop waiting for their time to shine.

I have seen brides and grooms watch their spouses walk down the aisle with less love and pride than Adam watches Mirai skate with.

Although every Olympian needs supporters, you know who the real motivators are: haters.

 

A few haters have reached out to Adam over Twitter, and our precious glamazon bitch ready for the runway has a few words for them:

My favorite thing about Adam, other than his sense of humor and general cheekbone situation, is his confidence. He encourages everyone to be who they are:

I mean. This is a man who skated after singing Rhianna’s Diamonds in an exhibition, and it was GOOD. He explained that he is always changing it up, “always trying to keep these bitches on their toes.”

Believe it or not, Adam is the FIRST openly gay athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics. There have been other athletes who weren’t out at the time they competed, and this year’s Olympics also feature out skier Gus Kenworthy. They’re certified cuties:

In case you’re wondering if that tweet was directed at … anyone … in particular… the answer is of course, yes.

Mike Pence is in Pyeongchang ‘supporting’ the U.S. athletes, and also believes that you should shock gay kids into becoming straight sad gay kids. Does Adam have anything to say to Pence? Not particularly, no.

 

Basically, Adam is using his platform to raise the voice of others who are affected by Pence’s views – saying “right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it” – but these Olympics aren’t about Pence. They’re about athletic, hard-working attractive people who are much funnier on social media … and being America’s sweetheart:

Adam has also used his platform to highlight the body image issues and disordered eating common among male athletes in the figure skating world.

Anyway, vice presidents aside, at the end of the day a gay athlete is just like a straight athlete with better eyebrows:

https://twitter.com/Adaripp/status/946186899793756161

 

So, should YOU go to the Olympics? Adam highly recommends it if you ever have the option.

As for Valentines, I’m afraid Adam already has the best one in all of South Korea, saying “nobody loves me as much as I love me; so I guess I’ll just be my own Valentine tomorrow.”

On this February 14th, let’s remember the truly important thing:

Happiest of Valentine’s Days to our beloved runway-ready Glamazon Bitch.

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Unimpressive Olympic Sports of Yore

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Every two years, I always watch in awe of the Olympians who are the greatest athletes in their respective sports. “How do you throw a javelin stick that far?” “How do you run so fast so far in less than 10 seconds?” “How are you doing a proper push-up on a v high bar?” “How are you swimming a marathon in the sea with jellyfish?” “Is this the best way for a human to get down a mountain?” These are just a few questions I ask myself when tuning in to these Games. Of course the skill level of any Olympian is impressive, but the athletes of the first Olympiad are amateurs compared to those in 2018. This improvement is so drastic in some sports that it seems ridiculous to even call it an Olympic sport. For example: Men’s vault in 1932 (see video here).

Homeboy just leaped over the vault while the South Korean dude did a bunch of flip-a-doos (technical term, don’t worry about it), and I guarantee you the crowds at both Olympics had their jaws dropped.

Let’s look at some early figure skating. Herma Szabo was undeniably graceful, but this barely looks like a warmup in modern terms:

 

Here are a few more sports from back in the day that aren’t as impressive as they are now. Also, I’m convinced we can do half of these if we tried really hard.

Tug of War

Tug of War is obviously not a sport anymore, and maybe it’s because it doesn’t require a lot of technical skill? Yes, you need extreme strength, but if it’s a sport kids play in elementary school when the gym teacher doesn’t really want to put too much effort in, it shouldn’t be a real sport.

Women’s Team Gymnastics

The sport of gymnastics has come far from the 1900s. Back then, large groups of gymnasts represented each country and took to the center of an outdoor field to do… gymnastics? Or rather really graceful dance/tai chi movements. Meanwhile, the men performed on actual apparatus like vault and parallel bars. See: The Margaret Abbott Awards.

Water Motorsports

Literal motorboating was only a sport at the 1908 Olympics, and it was discontinued for good reason – officials decided they were not ready for motorized competition. The race was comprised of five laps around an eight nautical mile course. Unlike a water sport like kayaking, athletes didn’t have hurdles or gates they had to clear, and also they had the assistance of a motor. I mean, have you seen the arms on Olympic rowers?

Croquet

Is it because I don’t understand why croquet is a thing people play in the first place? Yeah, probably. Like motorboating, croquet only lasted once, played during the 1900 Summer Games in Paris. Those French, man.

Live Pigeon Shooting

Look. We hate pigeons too, but this just seems a little extra. The 1900 gold medalist killed a whopping 21 pigeons. RIP.

Alpinism

When we were teens, one of our favorite gym class units was “orienteering.” Basically, we were sent into the large field between our school and our school’s abandoned priest mansion with a compass and had to follow directions. It was arguably athletic (we walked?) but definitely not a sport. Alpinism is like the Olympic version of that. In short, they climbed a mountain. Impressive, yes. Sport? Nah.

This event was a real stretch because they didn’t blow a whistle and send a pack of athletes up a mountain. That would have been the Agro Crag, and we would have loved it. They just awarded medals to whoever had climbed a mountain the best since the last Olympics. Medals were awarded during the winter games in 1924 and the summer games in 1932 and 1936.

Rope Climbing

The good news is this isn’t a crowd of Victorians standing in front of a gallows. The bad news is you can no longer get an Olympic medal for climbing a big rope. This event actually made it through 5 Olympics. 1904 winner George Eyser even had one wooden leg! And from the looks of it, two skinned hands.

Tandem Cycling

Tandem cycling – AKA two men on a bicycle built for two – was an Olympic event for decades. We’d argue that it was objectively the most adorable of all Olympic events and hereby ship every damn one of these 1924 couples.

Ski Joring

If you asked me what ‘joring’ is, I’d probably answer “not sure, but it sounds like an old activity from the 1920s.” And it is! In the 1928 Olympics athletes were pulled on skis by horses. That’s what joring is. Also, this looks like (a) a blast and (b) a sport that takes place right where you’re NOT supposed to hang out in relation to a horse.

Ski Ballet

Not only was ski ballet a thing, ski ballet was a thing until 2000! And while doing ballet on skis truly IS impressive, all I can picture is a clumsy mess with skis, arms and legs akimbo.

Military Patrolling

In a nutshell, people cross-country ski with heavy backpacks and then they shoot rifles, but not at anybody. To be very honest, if this sport would help certain people feel like they’ve proven that their country has good army men without getting into a nuclear war or putting those army men in actual danger, I am very for it.

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Whole30 Week4: Closing Time

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IT’S OUR FINAL WEEK OF WHOLE30!

JK NO IT’S NOT THIS NEVER ENDS THIS IS WHO WE ARE NOW

Day 22

M: A recipe if you’re breakfast-weary: this pumpkin breakfast bake. The words pumpkin and bake made me worry about sexpants, but it’s really not. The apples and raisins are sweet, but the sweet potatoes and pumpkin don’t taste like a sugary dessert version of themselves. It’s a good way to get in some eggs and carbs. Also, your house will smell amaaazing when you’re cooking it. I had more sweet potato than the recipe anticipates so I baked it in a 9×11 baking dish instead of my trusty cast iron skillet.

I usually can’t bear to spend money on spaghetti squash because I grow so much of it in the summer, but I caved this week. The pull of using an easy fallback recipe was too strong. Cut your spaghetti squash in half lengthwise, roast for like… 20 minutes?, mix in salsa (I make mine pico style, but you do you), top with sliced avocado and make a well to crack an egg into, two if it’s a large squash. Bake for 40 minutes or til egg is set.  Top with compliant hot sauce, salt and pepper.

 

to quote the boss: you ain’t a beauty but hey, you’re all right.

T: I have been eating nothing but hard boiled eggs, avocado and some kind of breakfast meat for the past week but herein lies my problem – by the time I make two dinners on Sunday the last thing i want to do is cook breakfast. I just looked up that sweet potato recipe Molly shared and, this is why I’m liking Blue Apron, I don’t feel like buying a whole jar of pumpkin spice or ghee for a one-time use. Instead, I found this other Sweet Potato Apple Cinnamon Breakfast Bake and maybe I’ll make it this weekend! Most ingredients I already have, so this works out well.

M: I’m normally a big substitutor (I used cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves instead of pumpkin spice and coconut oil instead of ghee). Then I looked at the sweet potato apple etc. recipe and realized nothing in my house can even sort of fill in for coconut milk. Womp-womp.

I’ve started to prefer splitting my cooking up over several nights a week instead of one giant Day Of Cooking, but that varies from person to person. In ‘real’ life I make meals/sides/bread/yogurt/granola from scratch, but I usually cook big batches and freeze half. On busy days I pull out one of my freezer containers and have an easy meal. None of my freezer food is compliant and I will not ‘waste’ half of my W30 food by freezing it. I cannot wait til this is over and I can eat freezer food. This is where W30 has me. Pining for leftovers.

Plus I kind of want a crock pot now (This Is Us aside) because I want meals I can set and forget after this month. But not really forget, because that’s how tragedies happen.

Day 23

T: I went out for my co-worker’s going away shindig and there wasn’t really a lot I could eat. So I literally got a Grilled Caesar Salad. Except no croutons, parmesan, or dressing. But added grilled chicken and olive oil and lemon as a dressing. It was basically lettuce with chicken. It was fine.

But I went out with some co-workers who didn’t know I was on it, and continued to have to explain exactly what W30 is (I guess this will never stop?). However it was also nice because the co-workers who do know of my W30 gave me kudos for keeping up with it for this long. Which was nice. I don’t take compliments well, but it’s lovely to have encouragement from people every once in a while.

M: I continue to avoid telling people what I’m doing unless absolutely necessary because I worry they’ll think it sounds obnoxious. We all know that one person who gets evangelical about their green juice and yoga routine (or no carb and cycling, or carb loading and marathon training…). It’s easy to pull off not mentioning it since I already don’t eat meat, and people don’t remember what I’m weird about and just assume that it’s, like, all of it. All of the foods.

Day 24

M: Question: if you don’t post a picture of your shakshuka on social media before the 30th day, did you even do the Whole30?

Anyway, here’s my shakshuka:

I see why all the W30 people make it: it looks cool, it’s quick to throw together after work, and it’s absolutely delicious. I recommend this recipe. The creamy spinach and avocado pairs so well with the spicy harissa. Also, the ingredients are inexpensive, making it a great weeknight meal.  The only thing that’s not in my normal pantry lineup is harissa, and I’m still working through my jar from the portobello tacos.

By the way, when I was grocery shopping for harissa I could not for the life of me remember what it was called, but I knew that it was something like Mariska Hargitay. Pretty much if you forget the name of any W30 recipe or ingredient, chances are it sounds something like Mariska Hargitay.

T: Shakshuka: a dish that’s delicious but I’m never inspired to actually make. However, there was Mariska Hargitay in my cabbage/carrot/potato slaw from Blue Apron that was also delightful.

I really need to get a hold of this reintroduction phase that’s coming up. We’re only a week away!

Day 25

T: We were provided lunch at work today – tater tots, pita wraps, mini sausage sliders – but I had none of it. I literally got a bowl of pineapple. On top of that, we also celebrated my boss’ birthday, so there was tons of red velvet sheet cake. But here’s the kicker – it looked disgusting to me. Too much frosting. And I was just thinking that the only think I could probably have in that cake are the eggs.

I also bought TJ’s organic carrots, and for some reason, they tasted super sweet to me. I didn’t look at the ingredients, but I’m p sure TJ’s isn’t pumping sugar into their organic carrots, but who knows.

M:  The baby carrots were cheaper than my usual adult carrots this week. Traci’s right, they are super sweet.

Two silly things I’ve done w/r/t all these eggs: first, I’ve been buying two cartons a week. The 36-egg pack has a lower unit price and I’m clearly using 36 eggs before they go bad. I finally leveled up to the family pack because a family can be anything, even one single adult woman on a nonsense diet. Also, I had one batch of really hard-to-peel hard-boiled eggs. It took DAYS before I realized I could do the messy peeling process at home and pack them in a container instead of clawing, caveman-like, at an egg at work. Live and learn.

Day 26

T: My co-worker offered me part of her blood orange and I don’t think I’ve ever had a straight up blood orange ever before. Again, it tasted super sweet to me. It’s crazy that my taste buds have gotten so used to not eating sugar that a red alarm bell goes off in my head saying, “DANGER. SUGAR IN YOUR SYSTEM. ABORT.” Biology is crazy, yo.

M: You killed your sugar dragon! (I think W30-speak is ridiculous but am also kind of tickled by it.) Blood oranges were on sale this week, so I got some too. They’re good! I like an orange with an aesthetic.

Day 27

T: Today is my birthday. I knew this was coming. But I opted to forge ahead anyways. I didn’t really want to go all out in the first place, but I managed to find a dinner place that I wouldn’t have to order a caesar salad with nothing on it but chicken. And for those of you who remember the free non-compliant foods I was given last week, it happened AGAIN, except this time with a free glass of champagne (because our waiter was apologizing for running out of artichoke. ARTICHOKE!). There must be some sort of “I’m on Whole30 but give me free stuff I can’t have anyways” smell on me.

And of course, no cake. I apparently think it’s revolting anyways.

M: I went to dinner and on the way there I thought “maybe if there’s nothing I can get there, I’ll just order something non-W30 since it’s almost the end.” Of course, we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. I got a spinach salad minus the bacon, bacon dressing and croutons. So,  spinach with egg. My profile picture should be me holding hands with Humpty Dumpty.

Day 28

M: I hit up Trader Joe’s on a whim and I couldn’t get over how everywhere I looked there was a different sweet snack. The whole store, lined from floor to ceiling with sugary snacks! I should have felt disdain but I just kind of wanted them all. I bought some fruit bars which go against my ‘only eat bars you make yourself’ policy, but I am just so tired. I realize eating a plain apple is better than eating an apple reconstituted into a bar but it’s nice to have something in my purse in case the Hunger Monster attacks. (Not sure if W30 uses the term Hunger Monster but I feel like it would.)

T: Before I read Molly’s Hunger Monster clause, definitely thought it was a real book term.

Another Sunday, another day of cooking. I made a bonus breakfast – that Sweet Potato Apple Cinnamon concoction I found earlier. And in addition to the two dinners I made, I spent nearly 5 hours in the kitchen. To reiterate, I will not miss this.

Day 29

T: We are so close to the end. But really, not. I had it in my head that Whole30 meant 30 DAYS, not 30 Days + Some extra. But I had the following thought today: “Whole30’s probably not that hard to continue for a while.” But I shut it down real quick after thinking about the 5 hours I spent in the kitchen and not laying down on my bed watching Grace and Frankie.

Oh, and yet again, there was free lunch today at work from a local Mexican restaurant. But I continued to be eating almonds in the corner and not delicious tacos.

M: In an effort to jump-start my reintroduction process, I made spicy red lentil chili. I’m doing the vegetarian adaptation that includes some legumes, but I only made them once so I realized I should reintroduce them. If any meat eaters are calling ‘no fair’ on this rule, just imagine this: the whole time you were doing the Whole30, every single time you ate meat, I had eggs instead. But every time you had eggs, I was also having eggs. Which when you really lay it out there, is just one of the many reasons I am not sold on W30 for me.

I’ll discuss the negatives of Whole30 today so I can end on a positive note tomorrow. Others have summarized my main issues with this plan better than I can.  I started with a balanced*, unprocessed, vegetable-based diet and was already on the lower end of the healthy BMI scale** with no health problems. Switching to a restrictive diet in my circumstances was unnecessary. But if you have dietary habits you want to break, don’t already cook from scratch, could stand to eat more vegetables, are hooked on sugar or carbs, have some weight to lose, or have health problems you’re trying to get to the bottom of, you might find W30 more worthwhile. It’s a definite Good For Her, Not For Me (TM Poehler) thing. For me, W30 was I guess a fun hobby and challenge …  but that’s about it. Also, not to harp on the egg thing but YEESH.

* Where balanced = I make my meals from scratch and they’re ‘healthy,’ but if there’s a quality restaurant meal or treat to be had I won’t say no to it. And I like making bread.

** I get that BMI’s not all that, but what else would I do, put my actual weight here? I’m a lady sometimes.

Day 30

M: After today I can eat frozen leftovers again! THIS is what I’m excited about. Not the food groups I’ve cut out, but the fact that I won’t spend my whole life in my kitchen. I said I’d say some nice things about Whole30 today, so here they are:

  • While I don’t think it was necessary for me to cut out all of those foods, it didn’t hurt. Doing so gave me the opportunity to try out a whole bunch of new recipes, almost all of which were really good!
  • After some shopping missteps left me with enormous grocery bills, I learned a few lessons about frugal meal planning.
  • I learned that I can decline food without most people caring. This is handy in the future when, for instance, there’s cake and I don’t actually want cake.
  • According to how-old.net I looked 22 when I started, 18 in the middle, and 15 now. I am two times 15… plus some… so obviously how-old’s algorithm isn’t great, but maybe all the healthy eating did something there.
  • I wasn’t doing this to lose weight – which is good, because I barely did – but I had to buy smaller work pants and I’m not not happy about it.
  • I can eat eggs for breakfast. Let me explain. On weekdays I eat breakfast within 20 minutes of waking up. The idea of eating savory foods like eggs and vegetables that early turned my stomach. I’d have oatmeal, yogurt or toast with fruit, nut butter, and/or nuts, and save the egg and veggies for weekend breakfast. Honestly, though, the eggs were fine. Now that being said, I’m SO tired of eggs and cannot wait to have some oatmeal.
  • …And I guess if I was trapped in a chicken coop for a solid month I wouldn’t starve.
  • Would I do it again? … Maybe. If I had a vacation or holiday season where I got into some bad habits, I’d consider using it as a reset button.

As for the reintroduction: I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do the whole thing where you wait 3 days between food groups.  I wasn’t having any health issues before so I might fast-track it as long as I am not experiencing any problems. Although, our friend Tori half-jokingly suggested having a meal containing all the noncompliant groups and if nothing happens, you know they were fine… and the more I think about it, the better that sounds. Adios, Whole30!

T: I can’t believe this is the end. It feels like forever ago I ate bread, but also seems like I started this experiment just yesterday. And for me, that’s what this entire Whole30 experience has been – an experiment. Like Molly, I didn’t really have health/stomach issues prior to this, so it was more a test of will and how by body would react to W30, as opposed to how my body reacts to certain foods.

We actually had similar experiences throughout this entire journey, but here are some of my pros to W30:

  • I wake up with more energy. I started W30 the day after I came back from the east coast and thought I was just waking up earlier because of my internal body clock. But turns out it didn’t stop. I have 6 alarms to wake me up and press snooze on nearly all of them. However, for the past month, I wake up by the second alarm and don’t press snooze as much. This is one of the best things to come out of W30.
  • Melissa (creator of W30) said not to step on the scale at any point because “W30 is about so much more than weight loss”. I lost some pounds. Which is great. But my suggestion: if you’re really wanting to drop some lbs, don’t do W30.
  • My face is softer. Is it because I’ve been moisturizing more? Probably. But I feel like W30 definitely helped in the fact my skin feels better and clearer than before.
  • I’ve become the “all these artificial flavors, GMOs and added sugars are no good for you” girl. If anything, I think I’m going to be super strict on reading food labels and ingredients moving forward, because WHY ARE WE PUTTING SO MUCH CRAP IN OUR FOOD?!
  • Would I do it again? … Also a maybe from me. Like I said earlier, my diet (in the truest definition) became the new normal, so the routine itself I got comfortable with. But the hours in my kitchen and inability to just choose whatever I want off a menu while eating out is frustrating and obnoxious and worth me saying no to a second time around.

Because I’m *that* kind of student, I’m going in on this reintroduction phase. I think I’m starting with dairy and taking it from there. I’ll be doing this until mid-February, but the good thing is that you won’t have to read about it from me again!

Thanks for joining us on our W30 Janu-journey! (I made that up. It’s dumb. I need cheese).

 

 

 

Whole30 Week 3: We’ve Got Tiger Blood in Our Veins

Posted in Miscellany by

It’s week three of Whole30 – halfway to cheese! Are we still surviving? Read on to find out.

:Week 1:

:Week 2:

Day 15

Molly: After my through-the-roof grocery bills at the start, I’m in a comfortable place now because some meals stretched longer than I thought, and others didn’t use up all of their ingredients. Since last week’s made-up frittata was a dud, I was glad to use some leftovers in a breakfast that I’m actually enjoying: sweet potatoes with baked eggs, with a side of sauteed kale, tomatoes, red onions and orange pepper. Hello, color!

These harissa portobello mushroom tacos are a hard recommend. If I make them again, I might go for the extra credit and make cashew cream to go on top.

Yes, that’s romaine, and yes, I spent a few hours crossing my fingers that I didn’t get e.coli (I didn’t).

This weekend somebody asked me if eating on the Whole30 is boring, and it’s a mixed bag. I’ve had so much fresh, delicious food that I couldn’t call that part boring. However, constantly thinking about what I have to make, and spending hours on meal prep, IS a bit of a drag.

Traci: I didn’t have to work today, so I’ve put off cooking until now. By cooking, I mean it’s a light day since I only made hard boiled eggs, made some breakfast sausages, cut up items for salad, and cooked the other Blue Apron meal of Togarashi chicken lettuce cups. So. Much. Meal. Prep.

And like Molly, I too spent an arm and leg on groceries the first week, and now I just have food/meals that are lasting a while. Including the kale avocado salad I made with the Blue Apron box, which apparently will last me a month.

Day 16

T: Also worth noting that I made mini fritattas too, and still eating those for breakfast. Also for breakfast – taking a whiff of my co-worker’s cinnamon sugar donut like it’s crack.

I also risked everything and watched “Somebody Feed Phil”, a new Netflix docuseries featuring Everybody Loves Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal. I loved his first show, “I’ll Have What Phil’s Having”, and the premise is similar for both – Phil goes to different places all around the world and eats their local cuisine. Most of which I can’t have on W30. But let’s be honest, it’s also barely plausible that I will be getting pad thai from a vendor at Bangkok’s floating market anytime soon. Point is that I watched it. Well, most of it. And didn’t crave non-compliant food! Little victories.

Molly and Tori were talking about the reintroduction phase once day 31 hits. I didn’t read the book. Am I not supposed to shove my face with cheese?

M: I put off reading about the reintroduction phase until this week and I’m a little scared I’m going to say screw it and eat all the cheese. What they DON’T tell you is the Whole30 is really a Whole40, with like one non-compliant thing every few days for the last 10 days. I don’t love it.

Somebody Feed Phil sounds amazing – food travel is one of my favorites! –  but I’m not sure if I can handle it as well as Traci did.  Just seeing Call Me By Your Name last week (and smelling everyone’s popcorn) had me missing living with a European family when I was young, in Spain, and allowed to eat grains, sugar and dairy.

Day 17

T: I finally ate the last of the kale avocado salad. With balsamic chicken I’ve had since last week. Honestly I have an overabundance of food. And 80% of it I’m only half interested in eating.

I will say that I feel like not eating all the things that aren’t compliant is becoming second nature to me. Dare I say, easy?

M: This week I ran across the phrase “tiger blood” and couldn’t stop laughing. TIGER BLOOD. These people are serious about the phrase “tiger blood.” That sounds like a disease you’d get in the jungle if you don’t get the right vaccines before you go.

Anyway, “tiger blood” hits around this phase of W30, when you’re feeling fresh, energetic, and like it’s – dare I, too? – easy. I think we’re both there! I’m used to what I can and cannot have, I’m more or less in a rhythm with cooking, and I’m not buying all the groceries in the world.  I’m really enjoying all of the stuff I’m making. It’s starting to feel like I can more or less eat this way when I’m done, bu, t with the addition of bread, pasta, oatmeal, quinoa, barley, cheese and the occasional sweet. So, nothing like this and exactly like I ate before. Never mind.

Day 18

M: We’re well past the halfway point (!) and one thing we haven’t brought up is alcohol. In fact, when people ask what the Whole30 rules are I always forget to mention it. I don’t know, both of us will have a drink or two socially but have definitely gone a month without alcohol without meaning to. And at 31, our social lives don’t revolve around going to bars like they did 10 years ago. Plus we don’t, like, Olivia Pope it with a tumbler of wine after work. Anyway, if you’re wondering why we haven’t brought it up, it’s just because it’s really a nonissue. Now, if I had to give up coffee and tea instead we’d have some Real Problems.

T: I’ve had to explain W30 multiple times to people over the past few weeks and every time, I forget alcohol. It’s an afterthought, and TBH it’s only been a problem when I realize I can’t have it when it’s an ingredient in certain dishes, NOT because I want a giant vat of sauvignon blanc.

Today’s self-debate: which of the things I’m not supposed to have will be the first thing i reintroduce into my diet? It’s like Sophie’s Choice. Dairy is winning by the way.

Day 19

M: I’m late to the game with this one, but I went to Chipotle and it was great for Whole30! I ended up with a salad with raw fajita veggies, probably 2-3 kinds of salsa, and a solid cup of guacamole. When I go to peoples’ houses I’ve taken to just bringing a container of leftovers and hoping I don’t seem crazy. This probably only works with family and close friends.

T: Look, we both said it’s getting “Easy” and #TigerBlood and all, but here’s another difficult thing that I faced today: i am starting to get sick of the food I’m eating.

Because I’m starting to get over cooking, it’s led me to only cooking dinners on Sundays, which means breakfast is basically hard boiled eggs, avocado and a breakfast meat of choice. And again, because I’m a rebel, I don’t lunch but rather snack, and there’s only so many roasted plantain chips (i’m not supposed to have) to be eating.

I JUST WANT THE OPTION TO EAT AN ENTIRE LOAF OF BREAD WITH BUTTER. I’M NOT ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT. BUT I WANT THE OPTION.

M: I’m getting testy because I’m realizing that this is not that different from how I eat regularly, except with the ENTIRE LACK OF OPTIONS for “sometimes foods.” It’s important to note that neither of us like feeling bossed around, and I am feeling VERY BOSSED INDEED.

Day 20

T: Today I ate out TWICE! First, I had lunch after the Women’s March, but had to do extensive research for places that had W30 options in downtown LA. We ended up at a generic European place that opened one day before the Women’s March last year. The owner was our server and kept giving us free items like a jelly candy, charcuterie plate and tiny macaroons. I had two slices of the ham and ordered poke on greens without soy sauce. All very delicious.

Then I went out to dinner before seeing Disney’s Aladdin (the musical, not the movie, obvs). We usually eat at a place near the Pantages, Greenleaf, which is a lot of salads and the like. I did a build your own salad (with this great almond-crusted chicken) and my friend and I split an order of baked sweet potato fries and an avocado pesto dip (which we had to obnoxiously ask for an itemized list of ingredients).

Both of us (she is also on W30) were on our way back home and were still hungry. How. Anyways, it’s possible to eat out, just not as many choices.

M: I’m finding it really hard to eat out on the vegetarian version and I’m largely disinterested in the options available to me, like Some Broccoli or A Sad Bare Salad. Maybe that’s what W30Couple wants (I get that it’s Melissa and Dallas but I’ve taken to thinking of them as Melissa and Doug, of wholesome wooden children’s toy fame).

Day 21

T: Second round of Blue Apron cooking today, and it included a seared salmon & harissa vegetables with roasted red onion vinaigrette and then crispy chicken and italian tomato sauce with potatoes and collard greens.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. The fact that I have to cook two meals in the middle of my Sunday is annoying to me. But this is what I signed up for. The Whole40.

M: OK, so not only is it a for-real Whole40, but I somehow deluded myself into thinking of it as 4 weeks instead of 30 days. As in, over the weekend I thought to myself “okay, heading into week 4! almost there!”  I was celebrating my last shopping trip of Whole30, then remembered that I’m not done until next Wednesday (plus 10 after that…). Staying positive here, friends.

Whole30 Week 2: “It’s My Whole30”

Posted in Miscellany by

We made it another week! What did we learn now that we’re seasoned experts? Read on to find out!

: See Week 1 here:

Day 8

Molly: I should probably mention that I’m doing the vegetarian version of the Whole30. I haven’t eaten meat since some time in high school, which was so long ago that there are now period films about it (Lady Bird, I’m pulling for that Oscar nomination). The W30 description of the vegetarian diet sounds like it was written by Regina George. It’s basically, “you’re a nonsense person who has chosen a garbage lifestyle, but here’s a way you could ruin your diet less I GUESS.” The difference is mainly that I don’t eat meat (obviously) but can eat some legumes. Whole milk organic pasteurized plain yogurt is OK but I’m not going to do it. I mean there were 4 modifiers before I even got to “yogurt.” This is actually the first day I’ve had any legumes – for the most part, I’m doing the regular W30 but with an almost obscene amount of eggs – but I realized my protein intake was a bit low so I made lentil soup and a roasted beet salad with edamame.

Peeling roasted beets is pretty gnarly, huh?

Traci: RX Bars – what is the consensus on these? I had one that contained egg whites, dates, almonds, blueberries, other items and it was super dense. I couldn’t even finish it.

Since I’m on my regular meat-eating diet, for dinner, I had pork chops with Trader Joe’s 21 Seasoning Salute that you can put on pretty much anything and it will taste like you actually put an effort into cooking. I had that with roasted broccoli and cauliflower rice, and it felt the most like a regular dinner since start this a week ago!

M: I’m not buying RX bars or Lara Bars. I make my granola bars in real life (real life being when I’m not doing W30 I guess?) and switching to premade ones would probably feel like dessert. #Sexpants. [Update: toward the end of the week I had a Lara bar in a pinch. It was OK but not great. I’d treat it as a backup food but not a regular thing.]

Day 9

M: Here’s something I’ve noticed: getting hungry makes me feel way more panicky than normal.  I was at the hardware store tonight and felt famished as I looked at the junk food by the register – and buying snacks on the go isn’t even something I do! But I couldn’t have it, was the difference.

They announced a snow storm for Friday into Saturday and I immediately knew I’d push my weekly shopping trip up to Thursday even though I avoid grocery stores the night before a storm. The idea of being trapped in my house with just a bag of frozen spinach and a dwindling egg supply was terrifying.

T: Do you guys know how hard it is to find a breakfast meat that doesn’t include sugar? 99% of all bacon (not a real stat) includes some kind of sugar, specifically brown sugar. Our friend Tori, who is also doing W30, suggested Pederson’s brand for all my breakfast meat needs. I went to Whole Foods since it’s the only local place that carries it – and a pack of uncooked no sugar hickory smoked bacon is $7.99!!! Gonna have to ration this shit out.

A lot of people at my work are sick, and since I’m paranoid, I felt like I needed to act before those germs could strike on me. But my usual plan of attack is to down Vitamin C and gulp a lot of orange juice. But can’t do that this time around. I’ve been eating a lot of oranges, but it doesn’t seem enough to me. Which is why I went to Whole Foods in the first place. They carry these wellness shots by Kor that are supposed to help the immune system. My friend also told me about these Elderberry & Zinc lozenges that I also purchase because this bitch isn’t getting sick. Especially not on W30.

My friend invited me to an impromptu W30 dinner, since 4 of my friends are also doing it, and 2 others just went along for the ride. They made baked waffle fries and this slow cooker chili (but added sweet potato and sliced carrots and used low sodium chicken stock, not beef). It was so freaking good and again, didn’t felt like it was a typical “W30” meal.

Day 10

T: You know what you shouldn’t do? Take the Kor wellness shot while you’re driving. I knew it had cayenne pepper in it but a greatly underestimated how it was going to effect me. It’s straight up ginger, cayenne, lemon juice, coconut juice, and tiny tiny little shivs made into particles that go down your throat. I had to get rid of the burn by grabbing some cashews originally rationed for lunch. But am I sick? No. Worth it? I guess.

Today I got halfway from the parking garage to my office and realized I forgot my lunch bag in my car. I couldn’t just leave it because it had my breakfast and all my W30 approved snacks for the day! I couldn’t survive off the things from craft services and the commissary – which I obviously would have to spend money on. I walked all the way back. Extra exercise, I guess?

Relatedly, besides all the cooking, my other complaint about this is how much money you spend. Between organic foods and items like coconut oil or ghee, it’s a lot of stuff I don’t usually buy that costs nearly twice as much as my regular groceries. Here are some super helpful tips on how to save money on W30 from 40 Aprons (home of the delish crockpot carnitas from last week) if you can relate.

I also just want to give a shout out to Simply Organic Dijon Mustard – it is giving me life through W30. It’s surprisingly delish and I’m maybe putting it on everything moving forward.

M: I donated blood today because there’s a shortage, I’m 0- (universal donor), and someone in HR specifically emailed me telling me there were cancellations and she noticed I had donated before. Hello, guilt trip. I have a super-low resting heart rate and tend to get woozy after donating, which is admittedly like … two times because I used to be ineligible. I was worried that I’d feel even worse being on the W30, but it was fine! I did have raisins and apple juice (no added sugar or weird stuff in either) right after because I know how I get.

Day 11

M: My Whole30 Mantra, because I have a Whole30 mantra, is “it’s my Whole30.” I use it when I read Whole30 commentary about the ideal way to do things, like not snacking and going full-egg if you’re a vegetarian. I’m doing this to reset my dietary preferences and habits. I know I’m not sensitive to legumes so I’m not stressing about doing the version that allows them. I’m also not trying to lose weight so – Whole30 controversy alert! – I’m still weighing myself since I know I won’t quit if I’m not losing. I don’t know what I’d do if I gained – back off the fruit?  No. “Back off the fruit” is the diet plan of a crazy person.

I really want, like, a single square of chocolate at night, but I am also deep enough into W30 to appreciate the total restriction approach. Until February. Then gimme me that 80% cacao.

T: I totally agree that “It’s My Whole30” should be everyone’s motto. It’s probably against everything the founder talked about in her book we didn’t read, but I still stand by it.

Here’s a good snack I’ve enjoyed at work: carrots and an individual cup of Wholly Guacamole. It feels like guac shouldn’t be compliant, but thank god it is.

Day 12

T: I was 3/4 of the way through eating my hard boiled eggs, avocado, and chicken sausage breakfast topped with Trader Joe’s Chili Pepper hot sauce when I thought to myself, “Hmm this hot sauce tastes a little sweet”. Then I looked at the ingredients. Right there, listed second, was SUGAR. Lit’rally an hour before, I was texting Molly and our friend Tori, and said “I decided if sugar sneaks in i’m going to pretend it didn’t happen.”

WELL IT DID, TRACI. IT DID. How much sugar is in it, exactly? 1 gram. OK FINE. IT’S BARELY ANYTHING, BUT STILL. This is how sugar just comes out of nowhere. We eat too much sugar as a society, y’all.

Anyways, I’m pretending it didn’t happen and moving forward with my life. Because I’ve been super careful up until then.

I’d also like to point out the dessert I just whipped up like a contestant on Chopped. If the contestant was given a basket of non-weird food items that go together.

M: While I’m avoiding anything dessert-y (including nut butters), that looks amaaaazing. I made a cereal that was the first sweet food I’ve had other than plain fruit (food processed walnuts, coconut, chia and raisins) and it was just like Traci with the RX bars – I  couldn’t even get through a serving because it was so dense, like fruitcake cereal.  I only made the damn fruitcake cereal because I have been powering through this frittata I don’t like for about 3 days and I need a break. I spend so long cooking that I can’t bear to waste perfectly ‘good’ food.

Update: 3 hours later my mouth still feels sugary and gross from the ‘cereal.’ There’s a reason the serving size of raisins is one box that fits perfectly in a dollhouse pantry. They’re TOO SWEET. Back to eggs and veggies for breakfast.

Day 13

T: I went to go see Call Me By Your Name and the smell of popcorn was wafting in the air as i watched my new favorite couple fall in love on screen. I just sat there and drank my smuggled in bottle of water.

I also received my first Blue Apron box! they’ve paired up with W30 to provide compliant meals and i thought what a better time than any to finally try it out! i got some kind of deal where i got $50 off (split between boxes) so it works out to be about $10/meal, which provides 2 servings. First up was Mexican spiced barramundi with kale, roasted sweet potatoes and avocado salad. there’s a step by step guide that times everything perfectly, so it’s basically cool proof. It wasn’t too laborious and tbh i wasn’t even sure if it was going to taste good. especially bc i’m so picky with kale. But let me tell you – it was DELISH. Like i was surprised at how good it was. And the kale salad? I went back for another heap of it bc it was that good.

The thing that’s always attracted me to Blue Apron (and similar boxes) is there you’re provided w the exact amount of ingredients and nothing more. EG a bag of Mexican spices. a sachet of pepitas. so much better than having to buy a full container of cumin that i’m never going to use again.

M: The Blue Apron W30 box is non-veg, but based on my friends’ reviews I am signing up for it once I’m done with W30. Most of the expense of this has been buying pricey ingredients that are bigger than I need. Like, why do fresh herbs come in bunches the size of my head?

T: Additionally, I went to a party/movie night where there was cheese, brownies, s’mores, and even tempted my then offer of an ice cream sundae to my face but i said no sir. again what’s super helpful about this is that four of my other friends there are also on W30 so it’s not as bad when other people are eating bell peppers and disregarding the moist brownies on the table.

M: The hardest thing about W30 for me is the fear of seeming rude or bratty for refusing things. It goes back to the vegetarian thing: I feel so sorry for how it inconveniences hosts that I will eat literally anything else somebody is serving. That’s harder to do on W30 – at restaurants too! – because vegetarian options usually contain grains or cheese. I was at a baby shower this weekend where fortunately there were some vegetables, nuts (thank you, charcuterie boards!) and a fruit salad, and I loaded my plate with those so you couldn’t tell I was skipping the assorted brunch foods. I had visions of being that annoying girl listing off all the things she doesn’t eat while everybody internally rolls their eyes. All I wanted was for people to not notice.

It was also my goddaughter’s birthday, and fortunately she chose Friendly’s as her dinner of choice. Their lunch/dinner menu is so bad (so, uh… we’re not getting that Friendly’s endorsement, huh?) that sitting there sipping a tea was fine.

The easier part for me: I couldn’t care less about skipping cake, ice cream, pizza and snacks, and when they talk about ‘trigger foods’ you can’t stop eating, it doesn’t compute. I don’t even keep snacks in my house in ‘real life’ (non-W30) except fruit and plain popcorn, and I’ve never related to not being able to pass up dessert.  Sometimes it feels like the W30 is written with this assumption that we all eat things like cookies regularly.

Here’s a legit vice of mine, though: in real life I drink diet soda even though I know it’s poison water pushing me into an early grave or whatever. I just think a cold fizzy drink tastes more refreshing than a cold-non-fizzy drink. Luckily I enjoy club soda and La Croix just as much, I just don’t usually buy them (to be fair, I wouldn’t usually have diet soda at home, but I’d order them out and sometimes pick one up as a treat when I’m grocery shopping … or to push through a mid-workday energy slump). Now I really wish it was easier to buy club soda/sparkling water on the go because I’d like to keep choosing these post-W30.

Day 14

T: Not to dwell on Blue Apron again (but I am for the rest of the W30, so deal with it), but I went to TJ’s today and barely had to buy anything. It was fantastic. Most of the stuff I was buying for dinner, but I pretty much have that covered thanks to Blue Apron. I’m their spokesperson now, it’s fine.

M: You could copy/paste Traci’s paragraph about Call Me By Your Name here. All of it. Just like last week, I don’t ever get movie snacks but when I can’t have them all I can notice is how everybody else is enjoying popcorn and what I can only assume is cold, delicious diet soda. I never said I had a refined palate, y’all.

That said, here are some recipe recommendations! This curried cauliflower rice kale soup was delicious and ACTUALLY spicy, unlike the disappointingly bland lentil soup I made earlier. I ended up doubling the broth and milk to cover all of the kale, but I think I used a bit more kale than it strictly called for. If you don’t want to use almond milk, I think you could substitute broth and add some more cauliflower, then puree some of the broth/cauliflower mixture and add it back in.

I’d also recommend this cauliflower tabouleh. It loses some of its ‘crunch’ after the first day, but on day 1 I found the cauliflower a little crispy for my tastes. If you want a softer cauliflower to mimic couscous or bulgar, you could roast and rice it like in the soup recipe. I’d also add some chopped olives – green or black – next time.

Fake Hygge Things That Sound Plausible

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If you read design blogs – and as a young single homeowner, I can assure you I do – you must have heard of hygge. Hygge is the Danish concept of – to quote The New Yorker –  a “quality of cosiness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being.”

Over the past few years, hundreds of books, articles and blog pieces have suggested ways to introduce some hygge into your life. Especially in the winter, there are suggestions for cheerful game nights, mulled cider in front of the fire, soft cashmere throws and the glow of candlelight.

There are also some very specific and strange suggestions, like the all-day Star Wars marathon at home with 5 kids that one blogger suggested.

The following are some totally made-up hygge things that I would somehow not be surprised to find during my design blog reading:

Go to YouTube and search for songs from your favorite musicals + “figure skating.” Make a playlist. Watch them all.

The other day I thought “you know, I bet you could search YouTube for ANY song from a musical plus the term “figure skating” and get a result.” THEN I thought “that legitimately sounds like something a blog would suggest as a hygge activity.” Then this whole thing happened.

As a treat, put on an extra pair of socks

Solve a decades-old murder using information readily available on Google

Nothings cozier than sitting in your favorite chair and finally getting down to business on what happened to JonBenet … only to see that three hours passed in an instant and you still DON’T KNOW.

Watch a birdfeeder from a window while you wear a big sweater

Have your boss over for a Dutch Blitz party. Serve those windmill cookies. You know the ones.

Since I wrote this draft, Dutch Blitz has shown up in my Amazon suggestions. I guess Amazon’s hygge activity this winter is tracking my every step on the internet. Hey guys! Loved Mrs. Maisel.

Play Hot Potato with an actual hot potato

Replace the harsh overhead lighting in your office with a bunch of candelabras

Skip the nightly news and have each member of your family read articles from the day’s newspaper out loud

It’s just how people had their existential crises in the 1800s!

Invite all of the stray cats from the neighborhood in and invite your pet-lover friends over for Hygge Cat Night

Go caroling, except with non-Christmas wintery songs

Your neighbors will feel very hygge when you sing them It’s A Marshmallow World In The Winter on a Tuesday in February, and you know what? So will you.

Sit around the fire and everybody has to say what they would name a baby right now.

Go to a small hunting cabin and have a soup contest.

This isn’t so much a fake hygge thing, as much as a real upstate NY thing my parents do with their friends.

Have a Friends marathon, but with reading the scripts out loud instead of watching the show.

And THIS isn’t so much a fake hygge thing, as much as a real thing we did on our school trip to Spain in high school.

Spin a globe and wherever your finger stops, you have to pretend you’re in that place for the night.

Put all of your blankets on the floor, one on top of the other. Now all your blankets are wearing blankets.

It’s hygge but for blankets.

Speaking of blankets: blanket fort.

Boiled Eggs, Food Nightmares and Sexpants: Whole30 Week 1

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Because we care about our health, are susceptible to peer pressure and want to look as radiant as Busy Phillips does in her Insta stories, we both embarked on the Whole30 for the month of January. The program in a nutshell*: for 30 days you do not eat any grains, added or artificial sugar, dairy, legumes, soy or alcohol. After you’re done you reintroduce foods to see if you feel better or worse when you eat them. Ideally, by the end you will have reset your dietary habits and preferences, and okay, it’s not ABOUT weight loss but I wouldn’t cry if I lost 5 pounds in the process. [Actually, I just want that thing where people do the Whole30 and say that suddenly they’re energetic and vibrant and their skin is glowing like a Renaissance painting of an angel at the nativity.] We’ve been friends for over half of our lives, so we’re pretty sure we can withstand a month as accountability partners – but just in case, we’re pulling in all of you. Here’s how our Week 1 went:

* nutshells: probably OK to eat, if you’re about that.

Day Negative One

Molly: It is back-to-work eve and I super resent having to do all of this prep. Both of us are cleaning our pantries like it’s Passover (source: Mama in All-Of-A-Kind Family) and I just housed an Aero bar that I didn’t even want because I know I will want it bad at some point before February.

The thing with boiling eggs is that it never makes sense and is always super confusing and everyone has a different method but you always end up with the same thing.

Traci: I am traveling back to Los Angeles after spending two weeks at home eating too much and not exercising enough (read: at all). I attempt to ease my body into the Whole 30 but my mom made me scrambled eggs with cheese without asking if I wanted them – what am I supposed to do as a 31-year-old adult? Say no thanks? Strike One: Dairy.

I skip the complimentary pretzels on the flight and at the Chicago airport, I grab a sensible salad with balsamic vinaigrette, then realize later the dressing probably has sugar. I also grab iced coffee and toasted coconut chips and again, am an idiot because I miss the bit where it says “cane sugar”. I eat it anyways. Strike Two: Sugar.

By the time I arrive, I’m starving and have no will to cook. I decide to screw it and have a last supper – a combo of pizza, dumplings, and chocolate, because I’m a fucking ADULT.

Day One

T: I spend about an hour too long at the grocery store looking for items in areas of Ralph’s I never even been in and spend a lot of money. Like both Molly and I spent over $100 each – and we’re only feeding ourselves. But also I’m not going to buy coconut oil and tahini every single week, so hopefully next week is less expensive?

I also spend like 3 hours in the kitchen prepping for the week and it is tiring. Honestly, what might take me down is not reading ingredients properly and lack of energy to cook.

M: I haven’t seen this many boiled eggs since The Shape Of Water.

My day 1 corresponds with my first day back at work. It’s also zero degrees out, which makes standing over a warm stove making sweet potato hash, zucchini ‘pasta’ and curried vegetable soup a little appealing.

My efforts aren’t for nothing, though, because anybody who comes to my house for the next nine years will be able to smell that I did, in fact, cook curry.

Day Two

T: Anndd my day 2 corresponds with my first day back at work. During my night of cooking, I made apple cinnamon hot cereal (recipe here), and in the morning, I heated it up and threw some almond butter on it. Recommend. Easy to make and had a good combo of sweet and salty.

It’s worth noting I’m a weirdo when it comes to lunch – I usually eat a few snacks throughout the afternoon instead of eating like, a sandwich or salad (that’s reserved for Fridays, because it’s a Special Treat). I know snacking is kind of frowned upon in W30, but I’m not going to change my routine drastically just to eat more. But the snacks I eat are barely filling. Sugar snap peas with tahini, Bare baked cinnamon apple chips, a Lara bar, and a banana. I am STARVING.

Luckily, I have slow cooker carnitas (recipe here) waiting for me at home. I threw a handful in a pan, poured some of the leftover juices on it, and made lettuce wraps with guac and hot sauce. SO GOOD.

Also, I think my head hurts a little but I’m not sure. Oh! And IDK if it’s bc it was the first day back to work, but it only took like 2 snoozes to get me out of bed this morning. Usually it’s all 6.

M: I’ve also had an easier time getting out of bed, but I can’t rule out a burst of Early January Motivation either. I’m surprised because my sleep schedule went way off-kilter over vacation.

My usual work lunch is like 2-3 pieces of fruit, some carrots, a bit of cheese, yogurt and almonds. I swap out the dairy products for two hard-boiled eggs that I will never finish unless I’m starving because that is TOO MANY EGGS. Like Traci, I split those into two mini-meals in the afternoon. Sorry, Whole 30: I’ve had 31 years of trial-and-error and I know that eating a big meal every 6 hours isn’t ideal for me.

Day Three

T: I’ll tell you this much – I thought I spent a lot of time thinking about food before, but this is insane. If I’m not eating, I think about what I will be eating in the near future. If I am eating, I’m thinking about how amazing eating is. And when I’m around food, I think about how much I can’t have it. Today there was lit’rally a box of chocolates on the table in the middle of our office. Like a tin box with hershey kisses look alikes and a spoon. A SPOON.

Unlike Molly, two hard boiled eggs is the perfect amount for me, and I had those with half an avocado, and threw some hot sauce on there too. Mango, almonds and Bare Cinnamon Banana chips made up my “lunch”, but the real travesty was that the RX Bar I purchased had CHOCOLATE in it. I unwrapped it and was about to put it in my mouth when I was like, “I should check the ingredients again”. GOOD THING I DID. I’m a dummy. This is how I’m gonna mess up. Accidentally eating something I’m not supposed to.

M: I’ve already decided that I’m not starting over if I mess up. Sorry for not ‘working the steps’ or whatever.

Fortunately I haven’t thought about food much at all, not because I’m good at this but because I have been eating those things I cooked on day 1 for … umm… three days.

Today I walked on the wild side and juiced some lettuce and maybe half an apple to add to club soda. The Whole30Couple calls cheats that are technically within the rules “having sex with your pants on,” I think, (hereinafter: sexpants) but I don’t think this was sexpants because it tasted like fizzy lettuce (which I liked). For the record: my mom got me a juicer for Christmas and I didn’t want to wait until February to tell her that I liked it. So when you really think about it, both of us are amazing daughters. Wait, what were we talking about? Diet stuff?

Day Four

M: On one hand, I’m nuts and already make my own bread, yogurt and granola bars (now verboten) and grow my own vegetables, and save pre-made foods for a Special Treat (TM Traci), so maybe this should be easy?

On the other hand, last night I had a nightmare that I ate a zucchini muffin.

[The only pre-made food I’ve used so far was some hot sauce that claims not to have sugar, but was worryingly sriracha-like. It’s fine. I’m fine. Totally relaxed and cool.]

T: I had a pre-breakfast before actual breakfast. One hard boiled egg and half an avocado. Think of it has a breakfast appetizer. Had that with the apple cinnamon hot cereal which I’ll continue having for another two days because there’s so much of it and I’m only one person.

Today my co-worker told me I looked skinnier which is HILARIOUS because I’ve only been on this for four days. Part of W30 is that you’re not supposed to weigh yourself, which is fine by me, because who likes doing that anyways?

Day Five

T: At work I had a meeting with lunch – Italian lunch with pasta and bread – with people I don’t work directly with. I had to be the girl who was like, “Erm, sorry. I’m on a weird diet so I can’t eat anything. So I brought my own salad.” Then I had to explain to these people what it was (it was like 4 other folks). The follow up question is always, “so what CAN you eat??” Meat. Vegetables. Things that don’t fall into of the unacceptable categories.

Oh and then later that day, my co-worker (who knows of my W30 status) threw a Werther’s Original at me and said, “CATCH!” and I legit hit it mid-air and swatted it away, and yelled, “NO!”

Later that night, I went out to dinner for the very first time! It was a Argentinian restaurant so I ordered the grilled steak and smothered chimichurri on top, and had salad as a side. I asked for no dressing on it and someone didn’t get the memo, because it arrived with the dressing all mixed in. I had to be that girl AGAIN my sending back the order until it was correct.

M: Nothing makes me feel more like an a-hole than explaining the Whole30 to people.

Speaking of which: I don’t know or care what the Whole30Couple looks like, but I picture them like a cross between the Two A-Holes from SNL and a beefy version of Chip and Joanna Gaines.

Day Six

T: I finally get to make my breakfast instead of having it on the go! V excited about making some sunny side up eggs with avocado, potato and chicken sausage. That night, I went to my friends’ house for dinner, and the great this is that they’re also doing W30 this month too! We had baked waffle fries, chicken sausage, and sugar snap peas. It was delish. I had too many waffle fries.

M: This weekend included Little Christmas, when I took a bunch of nieces and nephews to Coco and they all ate wonderful snacks that I paid for then stared at, and the first Bills playoff game since I was 13. I went to my parents’ house for the game and remembered that it is full of incredible, delicious food that I can’t eat. W30 is definitely easier if you live alone (me!) or with only other people who are doing this.

I made roasted red pepper dip and deviled eggs for the game.  I was so excited to find a W30 deviled eggs recipe that I forgot I’ve never cared about deviled eggs.

Day Seven

T: Did I mention I’m not liking the cooking portion of this? It’s probably the most annoying thing out of all this hullabaloo. I can deal with not eating the wheat, sugar, dairy, etc. but someone just fucking make all these meals for me. And the thing is that I don’t even really hate to cook in general. It’s that I have to spend 4 hours of my Sunday to cook dinner and breakfast for the rest of the week. Ughhhh.

M: I also cook a lot usually but this is ridiculous.

On the plus side, my grocery bill was only like $55 and a good $15 was cat food. I used InstaCart for the first time and my shopper couldn’t find Russet potatoes, which sounds a lot like bullshit to me. Those are the most regular potatoes. They look like if you asked a small child to draw a potato.

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