Welcome to our 2016 Academy Awards fashion roundup! It was a great night for fashion, and a great night for Leonardo DiCaprio, so between those two things we are feeling fantastic today. In fact, everyone looked so wonderful that we had a hard time coming up with some of our worst dressed picks. What a good problem to have!
Best Dressed
Molly’s Picks
Alicia Vikander in Louis Vuitton
Here’s what I love: even if actresses say they never thought they were going to win, nominees at least know it’s a possibility. Thus. the picture of them winning their Oscar will be the iconic image of them throughout their whole career. And in this tea length, absolutely cloud-like embellished gown, I think Alicia realized that. Somewhat polarizing because some people thought it was TOO princess-y, I thought it set the tone for the refined-yet-youthful vibe Alicia has in many of her roles.
Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein
This made my best dressed list not just for the dress itself – though the combo of sequins and patterns, plus the simple cut and neckline, is fantastic. I also love the symbolism Saoirse sneaked into there. She specifically wanted green to symbolize Ireland, since it’s not just her country but also the focus of her nominated film. It’s the same color she wore for her first nomination for Atonement – a nice, non-obnoxious way to remind us this isn’t her first Oscar nod. And it sends a clear message that, at 21, Saoirse’s no longer a child actor. Plus her skin looks amazing with that color.
Olivia Munn in Stella McCartney
Between that color, the off-shoulder cape, and the snake bracelet, Olivia perfectly hit that line between a bold look and something a bit more over-the-top. The sleek column silhouette suits her so well!
Olivia Wilde in Valentino
Maybe my favorite gowns are the ones that land on half of the best dressed lists and half of the worst dressed lists: it means they at least aren’t too boring. The tidy ivory micro-pleats are sort of Grecian-meets-angelic, and the back of the dress is so pretty, too (a dress with a nice back is like the Awards show version of “AND it has pockets!”). Maybe I don’t love the choker but maybe I’m also starting to come around to the choker revival.
Naomi Watts in Armani Prive
My favorite part: the violet-blue-pink gradient on the bodice, that is subtle enough that’ it’s not “OMG ombre.” I must be part magpie because I cannot stop looking at all of those sequins. Loving that touch of Old Hollywood with the Bulgari necklace, and the non-overdone – but not overly beachy – hair.
Honorable Mention: Jacob Tremblay in his darling little suit; Brie Larson, who like Alicia Vikander seems to have chosen a dress KNOWING that it was going to be the picture you’ll see of her for the rest of her career.
Traci’s Picks
Charlize Theron in Dior
Frankly, it’s quite annoying how naturally gorgeous Charlize is. She’s the type of person that can make anything look good, and on top of that, she is always so freaking classy. And sexy. This dress looks like it was made just for Charlize’s frame, and perfectly draped on her. The train is not too long and photographs great, and I love the pairing of the long diamond necklace.
Daisy Ridley in Chanel Haute Couture
Daisy Ridley made her debut at the Oscars and it definitely won’t be her last. If you followed her on the Star Wars press tour, you already know she’s been killing it on the red carpet and even giving Lupita a run for her money. This silver embellished gown has so much detail, and all I want to do is look at it up close and look at it in awe. Plus those silver heels are everything.
Margot Robbie in Tom Ford
Margot was a presenter at the show, but she dressed like a literal winner aka human Oscar. And I love it. A sparking gold dress like this is already a statement on its own, so I love that she kept her hair and her makeup toned down. She looks even more gorgeous than usual, since it’s a mix of glamour and casual that works so well together. Plus I’m a big fan of black and gold together, so the black clutch is a good match.
Rooney Mara in Givenchy Haute Couture
There’s something oddly satisfying about a dress that’s symmetrical as this one, especially since it’s incredibly detailed. Like Daisy’s dress, I could pour over this for a while just staring at the design. Rooney’s complexion is always perfect for a dark lip, and the combo with her hair in a high bun is totally working for me.
Lady Gaga in Brandon Maxwell
This bitch continues her Gagaissance by wearing a jumpsuit/pantsuit/cape ? to the red carpet and I am HERE FOR IT. Her hair is channelling classic Hollywood and the make-up isn’t over the top either. Love her.
Honorable Mention: Common because heLLLOOOOO SMOKESHOW ❤ ❤
Worst Dressed
Molly’s Picks
Kerry Washington in Versace
Between the slit, the leather, and the dominatrix-y stirrup thingies, I just don’t like this. Which brings me to: maybe we should call this something other than “worst dressed,” because this isn’t necessarily BAD, I just don’t care for it. As always, Kerry’s hair and makeup are perfect.
Sandy Powell
I’m not sure if this belongs on worst dressed, because this is a costume designer paying tribute to the off-the-wall costuming of the patron saint of individualism in fashion, David Bowie. So let’s say that it’s questionably red carpet appropriate, but her heart is in the right place.
Kate Winslet in Ralph Lauren
Look no further for evidence that everyone looked really great last night: there were few dresses that I disliked that I was forced to put Kate Winslet on my worst dressed list. Her hair and makeup are nice, the silhouette of the gown is good, and my only qualm is that fabric. I’ve mentioned a few times that I wish Melissa McCarthy wouldn’t wear that garbage bag fabric so often, and here it is on Kate Winslet. Call it a pet peeve.
Mindy Kaling in Elizabeth Kennedy
See what I mean about not having any dresses I dislike? Mindy Kaling? I LOVE Mindy Kaling! I don’t even hate this dress! I just don’t love it as much as some of the other gowns from last night. It’s a pretty good dress! The back of it is amazing! The tailoring just feels a bit off, and that’s not even Mindy’s fault. I love Mindy Kaling! Ugh. That felt gross. I hated doing that.
Rachel McAdams in August Getty
Now I’m not even pretending to pick bad dresses. I love this color, I love this cut, her eyes pop, the simple earrings are amazing, I’m glad her hair is back. It’s just one of those terribly disappointing moments when you (Rachel McAdams) realize that the otherwise perfect dress you’re wearing wrinkles when you sit. I hate when that happens!
Dishonorable mention:Heidi Klum, who at this point is probably just trolling us that she can wear this puffy tulle thing and STILL look better than most of us could possibly look on our best day.
Traci’s Picks
Heidi Klum in Marchesa
It’s just so bad I had to put it on here twice.
Jacqueline West
If you’re wondering who this is, Jacqueline is a costume designer who was nominated for The Revenant. Like Sandy Powell, I just don’t understand why costume designers wear unflattering things like this. You can see her slip – but is it meant to do that? Maybe I just don’t get the *art* of it.
Reese Witherspoon in Oscar de la Renta
I love Reese like every other American. But this top is just not working for me. It makes her boobs look lumpy and I don’t like that the boning is kind of outlined on the corset. And I’m not feeling the color. It also reminds me of the Louis Vuitton dress she wore to the 2013 Oscars that’s kind of similar to this. Except that gown was better.
Sofia Vergara in Marchesa
Again, I love Sofia Vergara. She is an American treasure. And you have to appreciate someone who knows their body so well that they know what dresses look great on them. Sofia is constantly in a strapless gown, which can kind of get old, but she still looks gorgeous. However, this gown has too much fabric around the waist and I’m not feeling the embellishments scattered throughout. Bring back more like this pink number at the SAGs , pls.
Gwen Stefani in Yanina Couture
Ok, this is technically at the Vanity Fair after party, but still Oscars related. Gwen. What in the fresh hell is this? Apparently sheer dresses with designs/floral covering the private bits is a trend as of late, but ugh. This is too much.
Hi pals! It’s that time of year again – watching the Academy Awards and liveblogging it, despite the fact we haven’t seen half the movies. Relive the memz with our liveblog!
12:08 AM
That’s a wrap, everyone! Thanks for joining us, and please stop by tomorrow while we discuss our best and worst dressed picks! Promise we won’t list Leo 10 times in a row for Best Dressed. Probably.
12:05 PM
Best Picture
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
Traci’s Pick: The Revenant
Because Leo needs this.
Molly’s Pick: The Revenant
I will go down with this ship.
Winner: Spotlight
M: Okay, that was my second-most-likely pick.
T: Same. except I haven’t seen it.
M: Hmm. I.. well, I think I’m really happy that this is going to get a lot more focus on the abuse in the church. But strictly AS A MOVIE I wasn’t blown away, if that makes sense?
M: Chris Rock invited everyone to the BET Awards. No, but what if everyone shows up? Little Jacob Tremblay. His hot parents. Those guys with the skull necklaces. Leo. His mom.
T: What’s happening here the winners were forced to come out and literally get a golden shower
M: It reminds me of the end of the telethon episode of Full House. Ugh. I’m not even cultured enough to properly WATCH the Oscars.
T: It’s a memorable episode, TBH.
M: As was this evening. IDK, just still very happy for Leo.
WAIT. They’re playing Public Enemy’s Fight The Power. AHAHAHAHA
12:05 AM
T: I’M SO NERVOUS I’M ABOUT TO VOMIT
M: I CAN’T THINK OF NORMAL THINGS TO SAY, just Titanic quotes.
T: WIN IT FOR KATE. WIN IT FOR MR. ANDREWS.
M: FOR CORA. LITTLE CORA.
T: FOR THAT SWEET OLD COUPLE WHO DIED IN THEIR BED.
M: AND THAT MOM READING THE STORY TO HER TWO CHILDREN.
T: AND THE STRING QUARTET THAT DIDN’T STOP PLAYING
T: Just think, Brie wins an Oscar AND Jacob Tremblay. She’s also incredibly composed for just winning an oscar.
M: That’s what I said about her in the preshow – that she always seems so calm! Someone get me the number of Brie Larson’s yoga teacher or meditation…guy?
11:40 PM
M: I always feel like awards shows are the west coast’s revenge, because they usually get the raw end of live tv.
Which is to say, I’m in New York and I’m tired.
T: God bless time zones.
Best Director
Adam McKay, The Big Short
George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Lenny Abrahamson, Room
Tom McCarthy, Spotlight
Traci’s Pick: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Two-peat for Alejandro?? Probs.
Molly’s Pick: Alejandro G. Iñárritu
Revenant was the best movie I’ve barely been able to watch.
Winner: Alejandro G. Iñárritu
M: Yay! I hope this means we hear a lot more Revenant for the rest of the awards (read: Best Actor).
T: To be clear, Kate and Leo are separated by one aisle and a Cate Blanchett. Just so we can get an idea of the floorplan for whatever happens next.
M: I’ve never more wanted to be Cate Blanchett. Or an aisle.
11:32 PM
M: Quincy Jones is one of the most powerful people in the entertainment industry but I look at him and think “wow. Rashida’s dad.”
T: same. SAME.
T: Is Pharrell’s hair blonde???
M: Confirmed: Pharrell’s hair is blonde. Somehow makes him look even MORE like an ageless vampire-person than usual.
Best Original Song
“Earned It,” 50 Shades Of Grey
“Manta Ray,” Racing Extinction
“Simple Song #3,” Youth
“Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
“Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre
Traci’s Pick: “Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
We’re in the middle of a Gagaissance, and she’s has been campaigning for her first Oscar hard. One step closer to EGOT, Gaga.
Molly’s Pick: “Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
I don’t know any of these songs.
Winner: “Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre
M: Truth, this was a boring-ass song and I LOVE Sam Smith.
T: Awww I’m happy for Sam despite the fact I don’t care too much for this song. *disclosure (no pun intended) we wrote that at the same time
M: 11:28 PM EST. But thanks for all your little sketches, Oscars.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s bit fell flat right?
T: WHAT YEAR IS IT, ALI G???
T: Just realized how many exes Rachel McAdams is surrounded by tonight. Two, by my count?
M: Before you finished, I was about to reply “HOW MANY EXES,” so thanks for anticipating that.
11:17 PM
T: Honestly, Jacob Tremblay, I want to put you in my pocket and and bring you around with me all day.
M: “I loved you in Madagascar!” Jacob Tremblay, my son. (Just kidding, I’m sure Jacob Tremblay’s hot parents love him very much.)
T: Speaking hot parents – or maybe not – this Irish dude is QT.
M: Agreed.
T: The academy: “We didn’t nominate any black folks, so here are “International stars Sofia Vergara and this Korean actor I’ve never seen in my life’ presenting Best Foreign Language Film. BOOM, DIVERSITY.”
M: “I don’t think you understand, here is an ENTIRE TROOP BEVERLY HILLS OF COLOR.” – The Academy
M: Is this gonna be the year everyone realizes they love Joe Biden?
T: JOE BIDEN JUST SAID, “HEY MATT, HOW ARE YOU” AND POINTED AT MATT DAMON.
M: Man. I wish Joe Biden was running for President. Too late for Biden to be making a surprise Oscar night, pre-Super Tuesday announcement? No?
T: GOD that would be a GD dream.
M: Gaga is doing basically a fancy version of the song Paige won the talent show with on Degrassi. (IDK I’ve muted it but I’m almost positive.)
T: Really glad I didn’t wear make-up today!
M: I’m not wearing any makeup; I also had to mute the TV and read the internet instead of watching that, so I really covered all bases.
11:00 PM
M: Didn’t they used to do the honorary Oscar during the show? On one hand those always run like 20 minutes, on the other Gena Rowlands is one of the best actresses alive and I wouldn’t have minded seeing her.
T: Did you see her during the pre-show? She was talking to Ryan Seacrest and he showed her a photo of The Notebook cast and someone had to remind her what she was looking at. Bless.
M: Like, apparently, Gena Rowlands herself, I forgot that she was in The Notebook.
10:46 PM
M: On one hand, I can usually take a joke at my expense. On the other, if I were a documentary short subject nominee, I probably wouldn’t love Louis C.K. riffing on how poor and unimportant I am?
M: Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy is winning her SECOND Oscar, so whatever, C.K. The Pakistani PM said he would change the law on honor killing after seeing this documentary, so I guess I’d drive a Civic if my movie was going to do something like that.
Best Documentary Feature
Amy
Cartel Land
The Look of Silence
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom
Traci’s Pick: Amy
I have yet to see What Happened, Miss Simone? but Amy was truly insightful and heartbreaking, and included a lot of footage I’ve never seen before. Plus I found out I’m like two degrees away from Amy Winehouse after watching this movie.
Molly’s Pick: What Happened, Miss Simone?
I haven’t seen this, but I feel like this and Amy have been the most buzz-y and I didn’t think Amy was edited and cut all that well.
Also the way the nominee names go from shortest to longest is very visually pleasing.
Winner: Amy
M: There were 2 Amy Winehouse documentaries on Amazon and I’m starting to wonder if I watched the wrong (non-nominated) one?
M: What better way to highlight how white the Oscars are than to make fun of Asian children for being good at math?
10:33 PM
T: I am HERE for Kate and her glasses.
M: Sexual orientation: Straight + Kate Winslet In Glasses.
T: Whoa Kate Capshaw is serving with that bow tie and suit.
M: Also sexual orientation: Mark Ruffalo Winking. What? I usually hate winking.
M: Wow. I really don’t like Chris Rock’s man on the street segment. You’re not Billy. (Note: I like that he turned it into an #OscarsSoWhite thing, but the segment itself is whatever)
T: This woman with the purple wig is going to be a viral hit in approx 5 minutes.
M: Real headline on the Daily Mail right now: “Olivia Munn shows off 12 pound weight loss.” Do you really show off 12 pounds lost? Can people even tell? Because if I gain that, I go off the assumption that nobody can.
T: 12 you can totally tell, it’s 11 pounds where it’s unrecognizable.
This is Sly’s third nomination, after getting nominated for the first Rocky as Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay. He has the best chance at winning this category, since he’s a Hollywood fave. For once, he’s not an underdog.
Molly’s Pick: Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Personally I’d vote for Tom Hardy, or maybe Mark Ruffalo, but there’s a lot of buzz about Sly and a lot of times the Academy can’t resist the sentimental pick.
Winner: Mark Rylance
T: Frreal. digging Sly’s black and blue suit. But also, his face when he didn’t win was v “ugh, you can’t win ‘em all.” ALSO I’M GETTING NERVOUS FOR LEO.
M: Was not expecting this. Obviously. Also Mark Rylance was great and I didn’t see Creed, so I’m not sure why I felt a little disappointed that Sly didn’t win.
M: Are Chris Rock’s adorable daughters really selling Girl Scout cookies? I would willingly be part of a dumb awards show bit if I got cookies at the end. Especially, but not limited to, Samoas.
T: Can these girl scouts deliver to a 30-year-old woman approx 3 miles away watching Minons present an award at the Academy Awards? kthx
T: Bear Story: The prequel to The Revenant
M: 2016: not a great Oscars for people of color, AWESOME for bear-actors.
T: I’m unexpectedly tearing up at the sight of Buzz and Woody. EFF YOU Toy Story 3.
M: Oh yeah. That movie screwed me up but good.
Best Animated Feature
Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There
Traci’s Pick: Inside Out
Emotion if this clear favorite doesn’t win: Lewis Black. Like all of Lewis Black as Anger.
Molly’s Pick: Inside Out
Hi, still crying over this one.
Winner: Inside Out
M: I didn’t ACTUALLY expect to tear up the instant that was announced but I ACTUALLY am.
T: Inside Out, also screwed me up but good.
M: It’s such a useful and important movie for kids, too. Like, for helping them identify their emotions – my little niece is going through a really tough time and when we were watching Inside Out for what felt like the 20th time, she said “actually, I’m sad but I’m still mostly made of joy.” TEARS. Bless this movie.
T: Did they bleep out Kevin Hart for saying “damnit” or am I making that up?
M: I thought my TV just cut out but I feel like that’s, in fact, what happened.
M: The Weeknd’s performance is like Phantom Of The Opera + Cirque du Soleil + Fosse.
10:03 PM
M: OH WOW. Ex Machina, A movie other than Mad Max, just took one of the technical awards.
M: I hope this doesn’t read as shade because it isn’t: the inventions from the tech awards sound amazing. (BTW, my sister-in-law’s uncle won one one year; it’s on his mantle and fun at Christmas parties).
M: Favorite segment of the hour: Tina Fey’s commercial.
9:54 PM
M: If I didn’t already have a headache, I’d have one after that sound editing intro. Their tactic was, I guess, to include every sound that ever appeared in the nominated films.
T : Um give these dudes a reality show about sound and skull necklaces
M: Observation: the technical winners LOVE gothic and renaissance themed accessories. Oh God. They’re doing the thing again for the Sound Editing category. (Mad Max, naturally, wins).
9:45 PM
T: Oh boy I would not ever want to mess with Suge Knight, y’all.
T: Michael B. Jordan. what GD DREAM MAN.
ok, get them in a romance movie pls
T: The way they’re shooting this cinematography category feel like I’m on a ride at Universal Studios.
T: Man The Revenant’s cinematography was so beautiful and breathtaking. I would’ve been so upset if it didn’t win.
M: Likewise. I actually thought to myself “wow, this is some gorgeous cinematography” while I was watching it. (Not a thought I always have during movies.)
M: Mad Max just won for editing. Definitely going to be the biggest winner of the night, unless The Revenant sweeps the big categories.
“Mad Mad was the best reviewed film of 2015. Audiences loved it.” RUB IT IN, WHY DON’T YOU.
T: HOLY SHIT ARE THEY LAYING IN ON WILL SMITHohjk Jack Black.
T: “The Minons are on their way” FUCKING FINALLY, said absolutely no one.
M: In case anyone’s looking for some reading during the music segment, here’s why nominee Anohni won’t be there.
(I had a moment of “I don’t know who that is,” but I do and you probably do too: she was formerly known as Antony Hegarty, of Antony and the Johnsons).
9:32 PM
Best Costume Design
Carol
Cinderella
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
Traci’s Pick: Mad Max: Fury Road
IDK, it’s probably impressive to create costumes for a time period that hasn’t happened yet.
Molly’s Pick: Cinderella
The costume designer has won a few times before, and that blue dress is pretty legit. But I’ve also heard Carol is all about the costumes, so.
Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road
M: Like I said before, I got maybe 20 minutes into Mad Max and I just couldn’t do it. The costumes were part of it. There was a man wearing a weird hat or a … crazy mask? … I forget… making a proclamation on a mountaintop and I was like “I’m sorry, I tried. I cannot.”
T: Of COURSE the Mad Max costume designer is wearing a bedazzled leather jacket.
T: So there’s a big change this year with nominees given the opportunity to hand in a list of names of the people they want to thank but it didn’t happen with that woman that just won?
M: The scroll I’ve been complaining about for a half hour doesn’t even work. Sorry, Academy. You tried a new thing. Not as new as nominating people who aren’t white, but newish.
T: Is a Tina/Steve Carell reunion a subconscious way for Hollywood to know they want a Date Night sequel?
M: I’d love for Tina Fey and Steve Carrell to become a popular buddy duo, a la Tina and Amy, and make dozens of movies together.
Mad Max just won for production design. The minutes I watched were mostly deserts and jalopies, but presumably that changes.
M: Makeup and hairstyling… we didn’t do guessing but probably Mad Max again?
T: um Magic Mike XXL, not Magic Mike 2, jared leto. get it straight.
M: His strength was all in his hair, Traci.
Well. Mad Max just won again. It wasn’t a bad movie, just a movie my ears and eyeballs couldn’t put up with.
T: This portion of the show was sponsored by the Australian tourism board.
T: After introducing The Revenant as a Best Picture nominee, they shot to a bear clapping in the audience, and no one laughed. Alejandro was confused, Leo is still crying over Kate not winning, and that officially became the second fake bear joke that’s failed this awards season.
9:16 PM
T: WAIT UPDATE POEHLER IS THERE AND SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL NOBLE LAND MERMAID
M: I know prerecorded comedy bits are what make the show run over – and what I retroactively hate about the show around 11:15 PM – but I’m just so thrilled to see Leslie Jones. I also love that despite nominating only white actors, the Oscars has ended up with the largest non-white presence in the show probably ever.
M: 9:03 PM. 2 minutes of Sarah Silverman doing a James Bond bit (Sarah, I love you but I’m going somewhere with this). 11:03 PM: The actual winners of the biggest awards in film being ushered off the stage after 30 seconds.
It feels like every year there’s a song from James Bond, and (1) I didn’t know a James Bond movie came out, (2) the song is boring as hell. This year is no different.
M: For those of you only really following the main categories, Best Supporting Actress should be up next, then like 10 awards you won’t care about.
T: “My favorite song is Father Figure” ugh come on. Enough. We get it Sam Smith and George Michael are both gay and British.
M: Getting super nervous about this category. #ShipWatch2016, get your looking glass and binoculars ready.
Confession: I saw Spotlight last week when I was REALLY sick and I dozed off for about, I’d say 4-7 minutes. Which included the scene they just showed for Rachel McAdams, apparently.
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara, Carol
Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Traci’s Pick: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
I haven’t seen Steve Jobs (and neither have a lot of people, I guess), but Kate Winslet is always great in what she does. Alicia Vikander was transcendent in The Danish Girl, but I low key also want Kate to win so she takes pix with her new gold statue and *fellow winner* Leo.
Molly’s Pick: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Word on the street is the race is between Kate Winslet and Alicia Vikander. On one hand I’m tempted to go with Alicia because the Academy loves giving Best Supporting Actress to unknown young actresses, on the other hand, they called it the ship of dreams. And it was. It really was.
Winner: Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
M: I don’t like the thank-you scroll.
T: I saw The Danish Girl last week (not sick) and Alicia was really good. Did anyone see Steve Jobs? No? Ok, Kate still deserves it but whatever.
M: Based on our comments above, I think we knew it would be Alicia. I still say she’s a princess (specifically: Belle).
Maybe this is just because I majored in foreign languages, but I think it’s so fascinating how people’s accents differ depending on where they learned English: like how Alicia sounds like a mix of English with a tiny bit of Swedish, and completely different from the Swedish-Americans I know – yet you can hear the common Swedish accent underneath either the American or English accent.
8:55 PM
M: Well. It’s about time, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
(expect all the Titanic gifs)
T: This looks like the beginning of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (I’ve never seen it).
M: I saw it in the theatre, despite reading a review entitled ‘Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium Is Really, Really Bad’ (that’s true).
Not to get too Titanic (oh, who am I kidding), but there’s a majestic, booming chorus sounds like when Titanic set sail from Southampton. There’s a deep cut for those of you who owned both the Titanic soundtrack AND the Back To Titanic Soundtrack (so, other girls who were born in 1986)
T: AKA the both of us
T: I’m glad they were able to sneak Magic Mike XXL in that (necessary) montage
T: *take a shot for #OscarsSoWhite ref*
M: Chris Rock always sparks the same reaction from me as kids on the Disney Channel: yes, you’re very talented, but would you PLEASE stop yelling?
T: i just had a flashback to chris rock hosting the ’99 VMAs. *what a time to be alive*
M: Ah, yes. I remember that from the VHS tape I made where I edited out the commercials. Cool kid here.
T: “EveryBODY GOT MAD!” We are witnessing peak Chris Rock right now.
M: Chris Rock: not fair that Will Smith didn’t get nominated, also not fair Will Smith “made $20,000 for Wild Wild West.” The truth of which makes Alicia Vikander look like she may cry.
T: *take a shot for Wanda Sykes ref*
M: “Hollywood is sorority racist. ‘We like you, Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.’”
T: A show where it’s only reaction shots from white people after a black comedian/enne makes a race joke
T: The #AskHerMore joke made me uncomfy for like the first 20 seconds, TBH
M: ME TOO, I was getting really nervous about where he was going to take it.
Where are all the seat fillers? I counted like 10 empty seats in the front center section.
T: Wait.. “Charice” Theron? Did Chris have an Adele Dazeem moment?
M People tend to get her confused with Charice, the teen singer who used to be on Oprah a lot.
T: BTW Emily Blunt is the most beautiful with that baby bump. Where is JKras tho?!
M: I hope he’s here! Traci, if I ever have kids, I’ll pay you $5 to never say baby bump.
T: Give me it now and I’ll promise to never say it to anyone again.
M: Is this a friendship or a series of small bets and tiny transactions? Anyone’s guess.
Best Original Screenplay
Bridge of Spies
Ex Machina
Inside Out
Spotlight
Straight Outta Compton
Traci’s Pick: Inside Out/Spotlight
I feel like Inside Out is the most original in the truest sense of the word, but Spotlight might take it since it’s more Oscar-y that Inside Out.
Molly’s Pick: Spotlight
Inside Out was more innovative, but would they give best screenplay to a cartoon – even a really great one?
Winner: Spotlight
M: I know Spotlight is an “important movie” and everything but I’ll say it: I was really hoping for Inside Out.
M: With Best Adapted Screenplay, we get to the first overwrought banter of the night.
T: Ryan Gosling, Canadian treasure – please go hang out with Rachel McAdams and make everyone pass out. Titanic and The Notebook is too much for millennials.
M: #BirdWatch2016
Best Adapted Screenplay
The Big Short
Brooklyn
Carol
The Martian
Room
Traci’s Pick: The Martian
Because who doesn’t love a good, heart-warming comedy??
Molly’s Pick: Room
It’s not easy to adapt a first-person novel to a screenplay without relying too much on voiceovers, moreso when the narrator is 5 years old. I read the books & saw the movies for both Brooklyn and Room and both were great. I guess I just want a win for Ireland either way.
Winner: The Big Short
M: Okay, that screenplay was really good. WAIT. Why are they scrolling thanks along the bottom of the screen?! Is this going to happen all night?
T: The director of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy just won an Oscar.
8:26 PM
M: Mark Ruffalo uses his interview screen time to talk about basically every hot-button issue there is (OK, maybe just child abuse and #OscarsSoWhite).
T: Where’s Bow Wow to accidentally throw to the live show 3 times?
M: Oh god. The show doesn’t even START for another 4 minutes. I feel like I’ve been watching this forever.
8:15 PM
T: V IMPORTANT Q: IS KATE LEO’S DATE? I KNOW HE SAID HE BROUGHT HIS PARENTS BUT WHY ARE THEY POSING FOR PIX ON THE CARPET TOGETHER BESIDES TRYING TO KILL ALL OF US SIMULTANEOUSLY
M: Who else would she be with, her husband Mr. ROCKNROLL?
(Why yes, I am still mad that Kate’s married to, not just not-Leo, but specifically someone named Ned Rocknroll)
T: Are you kidding me? We’re reporting on the fact that Chris Rock is using a RAINBOW PEN to make notes on his script? M: Once people start filing inside, it’s like Christmas after you’ve opened presents. Fun’s over.
8:07 PM
M: First of all, Lady Gaga seems very sweet, right? Second, I feel like if you’re not into Lady Gaga, people who love her think that means you hate Lady Gaga. But sometimes you’re just not into her.
This is me saying I’m not into Lady Gaga, however I think she’s very talented and seems genuinely like a good person.
Oh, Naomi Watts. Sequins everywhere. Actually, kind of a lot of sequins this year overall? Which I love. There are so few places where you can wear sequins.
Thank the universe I’m not in a line of work where anyone will ever say that I “debuted my baby bump.” There are like 3 gross things right there.
Hang on. Jacob Tremblay posted a selfie of him and his improbably hot parents on the way to the ceremony. Cutest ever.
M: You know what, Robin? Don’t use this as a time to plug the “dream in gold” slogan. This is Leo’s time. We should say: our #ShipWatch2016 is, in full, the Frederick Fleet Memorial Ship Watch 2016, in honor of the Titanic’s watchman, because all of our cultural references are somewhere between 20 and 104 years old.
7:50 PM
T: Um has E! stopped interviewing people on the red carpet? I CANNOT MISS KATE AND/OR LEO. #SHIPWATCH2016 (note: I have to watch E! for work ughhhh)
M: On ABC, where they’re allowed to interview people, they’re speaking to Julianne Moore. She calls Carol a beautiful movie and for a second I think “wait, wasn’t she in that?” Cate Blanchett, everyone. They don’t even look alike.
T: UGH seriously, I haven’t even seen a glimpse of Julianne Moore! This is an outrage.
M: She looks great! Her gown is black with a sequin-trimmed bodice and a sort of diaphonous skirt.
M: TINA FEY IS HERE?! She says she “literally started clapping” when she saw Charlize Theron, which incidentally was my reaction to seeing Tina Fey. She’s wearing purple and a necklace with lots of hearts of the ocean. Okay, or blue stones. We’re in Titanic mode tonight.T: I HAD TO SWITCH OVER BC I SAW ON TWITTER TINA IS HERE. IS AMY HERE TOO BECAUSE INSIDE OUT?!
M: DON’T START, BITCH.
(What if she is?!)
Cate Blanchett is in a mint/aqua gown with feathery floral accents. She’s another hit/miss for me but she looks like a dream.
Are you a person even?
7:40 PM
M: Kerry Washington on the red carpet… first of all, she’s so gorgeous she can take any fashion risk she wants. Which is me saying that the constructed leather bodice on her gown isn’t my fav. But even if I don’t always love what Kerry wears, I always like what she has to say. She says she respects the people who have chosen to boycott the Oscars, but feels like she’s most useful when her voice is at the table.
Aside: Red carpet interviews are where you really see which actors are ‘thinkers’ and/or went to school before beginning their work.
Matt Damon: “It wasn’t The Revenant”. Just setting our expectations for how his night’s gonna go really early.
Jimmy Kimmel and the host riff about Matt Damon. Feels like 2008 all over again. Jimmy: “Ben Affleck, who used to date Matt Damon back in the old days…”. (His post-Oscar special airs after your local news.)
7:30 PM
M: An Academy rep on diversity, stealing lines from me after a bad grade in 10th grade math: I’ll try harder; this won’t happen next time, etc.
An early congrats to Eddie Redmayne! Because his new niece was born a few hours ago. So really, either way he’s a winner (which is good, because he’s in a tough category, and also because he would make an ADORABLE uncle. I can just see it!).
7:22 PM
M: Brie Larson always seems so calm! She’s wearing royal blue and my first thought was that I could see her winning in that gown. There’s been a lot of champaigne and off-white lately and a real COLOR makes more of a statement.
Rooney Mara tends to seem bored, and I don’t think she is, I think she just doesn’t have a very excitable demeanor. She usually tends a bit more avant garde on the red carpet but I’m just not excited about this look. I mean she looks gorgeous, but that goes without saying.
Would it be weird to put Jacob Tremblay on our best dressed list?
7:12 PM
M: Hi Everyone! I’m watching the ABC preshow (and as someone without cable, I’m just thrilled that there IS a preshow for me to watch).
Let me start off by saying that I’ve seen all, or almost all, of the nominees. I only made it about 20 minutes into Mad Max. I’m sure it’s great – it’s nominated and all – but not for me.
Alicia Vikander: I can’t be sure if her Louis Vuitton is going to go over well – it has that short-long, or “mullet” (ew) thing and is sort of a lighter canary yellow. I love it though. She’s an absolute princess.
Olivia Wilde’s gown is gauzy and white with crisp pleats and a lot of skin. She’s a presenter. That’s the time you can wear something like this:
Saoirse Ronan is wearing an emerald green sequined gown, with one white and one green earring. The green feels like a call back to her first Oscar nomination. Will the earrings be a hit? She’s young and I think it’s fun. Plus she probably has dozens of other Oscars to look serious.
Saoirse confirms that she wanted to wear green all along. Calvin Klein designed her gown.
Well it’s here, everyone. Full House is back in the form of Fuller House, and you can revisit the entire Tanner clan right now! BTW, It’s apropos that Fuller House is debuting on a Friday, TGIF and all. We all remember FH being a staple of the TGIF lineup, especially in its heyday (if you want to read an in-depth article about TGIF, read this!). Although it moved up to the big leagues in Tuesday’s primetime programming in its later seasons, it will always have a place in our TGIF hearts. So in saying that, and with Fuller House premiering today, we’re using this Friday’s post to go back 21 years ago to 1995, when the series finale aired and we said goodbye to the Tanners. Before you check out the Netflix show, refresh your memz (just like Michelle in this ep) and see where we left off.
T: I’d like to start this out by saying Full House is ironically not available on Netflix. It used to be, but not anymore. It would’ve been smart to keep the rights to it leading up to Fuller House, but hey, I don’t work there (although how great would that be).
M: Who would have thought I’d be scouring the internet for a bootleg version of the FULL HOUSE FINALE on the day the ‘sequel’ premiered on Netflix? Well, surely not me in 1995.
M: Specific memory of the Full House finale: it aired the night of my third grade piano recital. We had to tape it (stick THAT in your nostalgic 90s tumblr, kids who weren’t born yet). You always worried that the timer on the tape wouldn’t work, because a lot of times it didn’t. There are photos of me posing in what I thought was a very stylish white dress with a lace overlay, but which really looked like Victorian underwear. And in all of the photos, you can SEE how antsy I am to get home.
T: My relationship with Full House is probably very similar to Molly’s, in that I watched the episodes live as they were airing, but I’d also watch reruns as well. Since the repeats would air in chronological order, I always knew when it got to the episode about DJ’s prom and Michelle’s horse riding competition, there would be some tears and we’d start the entire cycle over again. It’s also a marker for where I was personally in my life, since the Olsen twins were born a six months after me, and two months before Molly.
M: TO THIS DAY my brothers will remind me of how much the Olsens accomplished before me.
To Traci’s point, I’d always get a little sad during this episode in the rerun cycle, not just because it was a bummer, but also because it meant we were returning to season 1. I love the early years now, but they were kind of less interesting to me as a kid. Not enough Michelle. Thing nobody says about millennials: we had an insatiable appetite for Michelle Elizabeth Tanner in 1990-1995.
“Of course I haven’t bought the batteries yet.” Gibbler, on her prom dress.
T: Deej is kind of jeal that Gibbler has a dress AND a date to prom, whereas she just has a bag of chips and a remote control. It’s moments like this when I realize just how much of an adult I am – I’d take chips and TV over prom any day.
M: Yeah, Deej is having a great Friday, by my calculations. Also she spent her senior year dating Nelson AND Viper, and junior year dating Steve. D.J.’s doing just fine.
T: Also I love how peak 90s we are with this episode. In 1995, we were in 4th grade, and that’s just old enough to remember our lives at this time. Deej’s bob hair flipped out at the bottom is SO 90s.
T: “Look at your fence and give your pony enough time to see that fence.” Michelle’s horse trainer GIVING HER THIS ADVICE TOO LATE *spoiler alert?*
M: Is it just me, or is Michelle jumping way too far into this (no pun intended)? It’s like she went from zero to Mallory Pike in one episode. I’m sure she should be trotting around a circle.
T: Ugh remember the 90s tho
T: Is it me or is this laugh track even more prominent??? Becky made a horrible joke about Michelle’s riding outfit and all I could hear was canned chortles.
M: “Riding hat, riding clothes, riding boots. Wild guess, you were riding?” BECKY. Why you gotta sass Michelle? New head canon: Becky hates Michelle. Can’t blame her.
T: Stephanie/Jodie Sweetin’s final storyline on Full House is about her having dry lips. CAN U IMAGINE ENDING SEVEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE ON A TV SHOW AND THE LAST PLOT YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH IS ABOUT NEEDING TO MOISTURIZE YOUR SKIN
M: Why did so many men in 90s sitcoms sit backwards on their chairs? Jesse, A.C. Slater… is that at all comfortable? BTW Becky is wearing some sort of bizarre sweat-outfit.
T: I can’t remember the last time I watched this episode or a full ep of FH in general, but I do not remember the jokes being so corny, which is funny considering I thought the jokes in the trailer for Fuller House were also v corny. A+ for continuity.
T: Gibbler brings Deej IRL Tinder by “raiding a Star Trek convention” of all nerds for her to choose from for the prom. I love that Kimmy was like, ‘OK you 6 boys follow me to DJ Tanner’s house for the possibility of going to prom with her OR total rejection!” Also Gibbler needs to bring the van of nerds back for “their allergy shots”, because having allergies is correlated to being a geek?
M: In 90s sitcoms, I seem to remember that specifically allergies and nosebleeds were geek traits. I was so mortified by my – you guessed it – severe seasonal allergies and chronic nosebleeds. Whomp-whomp.
T: Okay, I guess I’ve seen this episode enough to remember the punch line to one of these jokes, ‘Have any of you ever been to a dance… with a woman… who wasn’t in your family?’. Just said that outloud to myself.
M: I’d like to point out that the far left nerd isn’t even ugly, just wearing weird brown old man clothes.
THIS BITCH:
The girl who plays Elizabeth, the fellow rider that tells Michelle about the jumping contest, her real name is Ebick Pizzadili which is either the name of a pizza shop in Brooklyn or an Italian pop star.
M: I bet she got that a lot as a kid? But it is very fun to say. Tried to look up the name Ebick – thinking it was Turkish or Bosnian. All Google is giving me is this girl from Full House. Anyway, she does a good job.
T: ‘Oh camera and a saddle – big date tonight?’ Steph coming in with a burn for Danny
M: The audience “whoooos” when Michelle enters wearing a riding outfit, which doesn’t really seem warranted but fine.
T: Steph says, ‘If we gave you a lantern, you could stand out on the front lawn!’ A) never realized this was a lawn jockey joke. B) They don’t have a front lawn.
T: JJ Pryor!!! I always forget he’s in this. American Dreams, anyone? He also has max 90s boy crush hair ::emoji w heart eyes::
M: There are so many sitcom plots about performing in Romeo and Juliet, or there were in the 90s anyway, but do any teachers really force two random classmates to kiss for an assignment? I thought regular group work was bad.
T: Michelle’s overalls/scrunchie combo – another peak 90s move. Also HAVE MERCY, UNCLE JESSE.
M: That scrunchie is HUGE. I’d have been jealous.
T: I legitimately LOL when Joey tells Jesse to throw another pillow on the couch so he can jump into it from the balcony and Jesse makes it a point to cautiously (and sarcastically) put a small pillow down on the couch.
M: FH was really committed to the ‘very special concussion episode’ idea, one way or the other.
Looking at Nicky and Alex, I’m SO relieved that I never got that 80s/90s kid haircut where the hair forms like a diagonal from the bangs to the back.
T: “Riding used to be fun.” “Yeah before parents got involved.” deep.
M: Hahaha so Michelle and Rich Elizabeth decide to skip the pricey competition Michelle said she wanted, saddle up their own horses, mount them with no help and ride off into the woods? This is why more rich people die in extravagant acts of stupidity than normal people.
T: Why are these cups so 90s, like why don’t they make them anyone???
M: Let’s all have a look at that dope relaxed dad behind Danny, to your left.
T: “You know, I never thought I’d get a chance to say this, but – ‘They went that’a way’” honestly one of the lines that sticks out to me from this entire series. Why? IDK. (sidenote: this cowboy is dead IRL. RIP.)
M: Donkey named Milton Burro = joke that went over my 8-year-old head.
T: You know, why did Michelle enter a jumping competition when her horse can’t jump a log? Or is this a horse thing where it’s trained to jump white gates and not wild logs?
M: Ahem. I was trained to jump man-made objects, what is this abomination? – Michelle’s stupid horse.
T: Also Joey runs over to an unconscious Michelle (after getting off his donkey) and yells, ‘Oh my gosh!’. Um, ok. ALSO ALSO, his hand is on Jesse’s knee… unnecessarily?
M: Oh… feels pretty necessary.
T: And instead of getting help (calling 911) they just sit there and stare at each other. COME ON FOLKS, TIME IS PRECIOUS.
::End of ACT 1::
In the version I’m watching, they just showed a “next time on Full House” which I’ve never seen before and that is v weird to me, since the repeats I watch never include the teasers!
T: Michelle doesn’t know who Danny is – honestly the doctor didn’t tell them this before they got into the room? Like a heads up that she might be suffering from memory loss? I’ve seen most of ER and all of Grey’s Anatomy, I should know (they probably did this for story/budgetary reasons).
M: Also, is this even a normal type of amnesia to have? I feel like usually people will forget the accident and maybe the time around it, not their entire life?
T: “Wow if that’s the pizza guy, he really does deliver!” – DJ to Steph and what’s his name kissing in the kitchen
T: Duane!! Whatever. Then he busts out a Shakespeare monologue because of course he’s a secret genius. Whoa the actor who plays Duane has an impressive career – he does a lot of voice over work, including Frozen, Despicable Me aND THE VOICE OF JOEY MACINTYRE ON THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK ANIMATED SERIES
M: He was actually really good at playing Duane, if that makes sense! Like that one dopey skater-y guy who would eat lunch on the grassy knoll at Bronson Alcott High, if you will.
“We all live in this house”
“Oh I hope it’s bigger than it looks from the outside.”
T: Joey brings out Mr. Woodchuck to help Michelle jog her memory, which I guess is a good tactic but also, she’s probably thinking WTF what is this family I’m supposedly a member of? Also Mary-Kate (Ashley?) does a good job of acting in this scene, after questioning why Mr. Woodchuck keeps talking about “wood”. Joey says it’s “the bit they do, remember?” and Michelle says with uncertainty and a hint of shade, “Oh. Clever.”
M: Probs the same Olsen who played the haughty one in It Takes Too. Some real chops there.
T: In fact, whichever twin is playing the memory-loss Michelle is spot on, and proving they can play something other than always upbeat and happy (or a little sassier in the later seasons). The casting folks really lucked out with the Olsen twins.
M: We all did, Traci. America did.
T: LOL at the trio of men sneaking in one last harmonizing version of Teddy Bear before the series ends.
M: Cool but when are they going to do Forever?
T: Oh GOD THIS SCENE:
Michelle: You’re my dad, right? So where’s my mom?
*cut to everyone looking panicked and forlorn*
Danny: I’m sorry but your mom died when you were just a little girl.
Michelle: So even if I do get better, I won’t remember her?
Joey: Michelle, we’ll tell you everything about her you’d want to know.
Michelle: Was she pretty?
Jesse: Oh yeah Michelle she was very pretty. See, Michelle, your mommy was my sister and you know what, you look just like her.
Michelle: I know you all want me to remember but I can’t I’m sorry.
Danny: Don’t worry about it honey, it’s fine.
Michelle: It’s not fine. I don’t know who I am. I’m just gonna lie down in my own bed.
*Michelle goes to lie in Stephanie’s bed*
Stephanie: Uh Michelle, that’s –
Becky: Steph it’s probably not a good time.
M: Say what you will about Full House being poorly written – it often was – but when they remember to mention Pam they actually do a good job of it, especially in the first few years.
T: Ugh Jesse and Michelle are sharing a tender moment and I’m really getting emotional here, guys. They had such a special relationship on the show and it’s bumming me out she can’t remember a damn thing.
T: I forgot about this side plot of Jesse telling Joey how much he loves being a dad and how he can’t wait for Joey to feel the same, saying ‘it’ll happen one day for ya, pal’. — honestly they should’ve given Joey a love interest that stuck around. I hope he’s got a gal in Fuller House.
M: As it is, this scene feels like when your married friends tell you that you’ll LOVE being married one day, or your friends with kids tell you you’d be a great parent: yeah, I know, you are not helping.
T: Danny pulls out a photo album to help jog Michelle’s memory and this pic is legit like a promo pic from the episode, because who would be taking this shot otherwise? Joey??
T: Another vivid memory I have of this episode: Michelle goes to give Danny a hug because “I thought that’s what you did in this house when you leave the room.”
M: Me too!
T: I REMEMBER THIS RHYME – I REMEMBER IT ALL (like i remembered that whole rhyme)
T: I still don’t understand – Mary-Kate/Ashley shows up to confront Mary-Kate/Ashley and was all JK I’ve been here I just took a while you can have your memory back LOL and all of a sudden she’s healed??
M: Is she hallucinating now? Girlfriend should have had some brain imaging.
T: Also, I just had a flash of Tatiana Maslany filming her scenes for Orphan Black over and over again as different sestras. MK + A had it so easy.
M: Now I’m reimagining the dual Michelle scenes – angel/devil Michelle, Greek/American Michelle – if a tiny Tatiana Maslany had played them instead. Right age, too. Full House could have gone a lot deeper.
T: Danny’s saying ‘Come to Poppa’ as Deej comes down the stairs in her prom dress so she works the camera. I’m uncomfy.
RIGBY THE RHINO SIGHTING. CONTINUITY.
T: WHY DO I ALSO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS TO MICHELLE’S MEMORY QUIZ BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY
M: Did I do anything last Friday? But yeah, Mr. GoodPart.
T: Gibbler’s dress. Actually not as eccentric as some of the other shit’s she’s worn on this show
M: Usually fewer lights.
T: Guys, I know what’s about to happen with Deej’s date but I’M STILL SO EXCITED TO SEE IT
T: What happened to Steve? He went to college and they broke up? But he shows up to DJ’s prom and they’re back together?
M: Does he need a ticket? Do they need waivers to bring people from outside the school? Should somebody get Steve a snack? He’s probably hungry.
Jesse: You were pretty out of it. I mean you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like a part of us was missing. But we stuck it out and we got through it.
Joey/AND ME AT THE SAME TIME: Just like we always do.
Danny: Just like we always will.
Closing shot: Everyone is hugging except JOEY.
M: Moments later, Joey’s hand creeps over to Jesse’s knee, probably.
T: Even the music on the closing credits I know by heart. It’s embedded in my brain.
We were little when Full House was on. Like, Michelle Tanner-level little: the show began when we were one year old. That means that some facts about the Tanners slipped by us unquestioned – after all, what do kids know? Nothing. Practically nothing. But after rewatching the series as teens and adults, we picked up on a few factoids that blew our mind.
It’s time to wake up, San Francisco. The Tanner-inos weren’t who you thought:
Danny Tanner Was A Teen Father
Here’s what we saw in the episode The Big Three-O as children: an adult, who seems old, has a birthday and buys a car, because being an old adult is crappy but at least you’re old enough to buy cars.
Here’s what we saw in that episode once we got older: Danny Tanner is turning 30, which is our age. Danny Tanner is the father to a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 1 year old. That means that in all of the earlier episodes of the season, Danny was the 29-year-old father to those kids. And THAT means that Danny was a 19-year-old dad.
This was actually covered in the show. In Season 2’s “Luck Be A Lady,” we learn that Danny and Pam (Dam? Panny?) eloped at a young age. A young Jesse tweaked out and broke Danny’s ribs. Now, we don’t have time for a full rewatch, but Full House wiki says that Danny was twenty at the time. So, I believe we’re looking at a whole OTHER reason Jesse was so mad: his sister’s unwed teen pregnancy.
While Full House didn’t exactly lie about this fact, it doesn’t mesh with the depiction of Danny’s fratty college years. It’s also maddening that Danny could have finished college, landed an anchor job, bought some prime San Fran real estate and fathered three children by age 28 or so. He’s like an Old Economy Steve meme come to life.
Actually, About Danny Affording That House
San Francisco wasn’t quite as unaffordable in the 80s, but it was still pricey. Plus, a spacious, intact Victorian would have been in pretty high demand. This site has some comparables in the neighborhood: in the Full House era, Danny would likely have spent at least $400K. Then we look at TV anchor salaries: the average anchor – not exactly Danny’s job, but close enough – makes $83,000 in the present day. Danny would make more than the average being in a large market and being, for whatever reason, enough of a “draw” to have his own talk show with Aunt Becky. However, this was over 30 years ago. Let’s call it $70,000, which is being generous. Even translating both house and salaries to modern terms: there’s no way he afforded that house. There was no mention of whether Pam worked, as all we know about her is that she liked to smile.
Danny would have bought the home without knowing that other adults were going to be moving in. When you add in another TV host’s salary, an exterminator/ musician/ jingle guy / club owner salary (whatever that is), and Joey’s “comedy” bucks, maybe it’s a bit more doable. Still, Danny would have had to get a mortgage approval on his salary alone.
Morbid thought: there may have been a big settlement after Pam’s untimely death in a drunk driving accident, but we see her bring baby Michelle home to the Tanner’s house so we know they moved in before she died.
Roommates wanted. No childcare experience necessary. Must help raise children.
No shade: of course Danny needed a hand when Pam died. That said, your three girls are growing up without a mom so you get two new male roommates? Specifically your 24-year-old hard-partying (compared to Danny anyway) brother-in-law who doesn’t know how to hold a baby? And also whatever Joey is supposed to be? Basically a fourth child?
It worked out fine because everyone loved each other and didn’t need personal space, but damn. That was a gamble, Dan-o.
It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. As In, There Is Practically A Village’s Population In That House.
Danny. Jesse. Joey. DJ. Stephanie. Michelle. Becky. Nicky. Alex. NOT Vicky, the smartest broad on that show. Nine people. I know families that big (we went to Catholic school after all), but FOUR unrelated adults under one roof?! That is one full-ass house.
Not to mention, Jesse got married, moved his wife into the garret like she’s Sara Crewe and just got demoted to scullery maid, fathered TWO children, and made them live as attic-babies. They could have moved, but Michelle cried and the twinkly music came on so Jesse couldn’t do it. Come on, Jess. What would a Ripper do? I’m not clear on what a Ripper is but: probably not that. Be a Ripper, Jesse.
The Olsens Shared That Part the WHOLE DANG TIME
Just about every show casts twins in baby and toddler roles because they can’t work as many hours, plus if one baby is grumpy or sleepy you can just use the other munchkin. However, most shows recast the role when the kid gets to the talking years. They usually take this opportunity to age the kid by a couple years so they can do more stuff, too: see Growing Pains, Modern Family, and Step by Step. The Olsens were such a runaway success – it was a weird time, I know – that Full House kept them on. After a point it must have been so much more work than just using a single kid, but Michelle had the highest Q-rating on all of television (that’s true) – you don’t mess with that.
What do you bet the Nicky and Alex kids looked at MK&A like “get a grip, we are 5 years younger than you and do TWICE the job.”
Danny’s OCD is Legit
I grew up with a friend whose parents kept their home spotless. It was as if no one ever lived there. I specifically remember them vacuuming every single day. I also saw Danny Tanner cleaning his spacious intact, Victorian house all the time on TV. I didn’t think much of it then, because it seemed normal to me. But despite the fact we can all appreciate our homes being clean and livable, it wasn’t until later that I realized Danny was actually obsessed with cleaning and maybe in a non-healthy way. As a self-proclaimed “neat freak”, Danny was shown constantly tidying up, like the kind of paranoia where he would clean his rubber gloves. Actually, come to think of it, Danny Tanner is the pre-cursor to Monica Geller, who literally vacuumed her own vacuum.
On top of that, he would get insane about his insane cleaning, as witness in S5, E22 – The Trouble with Danny. Spring Cleaning is orgasmic to Danny, and he assigns each member of the house a specific duty. Can you imagine if your parent did this IRL? You would think he/she is cuckoo banana pants. In the ep, Danny overhears the rest of his family bitching about his strict cleaning regimen and decides he needs to let loose more. This could not have gone any worse, since he goes off the deep end and goes off to the mountains on a donkey named Norman. When he comes back to the house, he’s covered in dust and drinking out of the milk carton and hell has frozen over in the Tanner home. Eventually, the gang apologizes and Danny says he’s going to try to find a balance between the two extremes. But does he? Nope. Case in point – OCD.
Joey’s Questionable Comedy Career
As evidenced by the posters of iconic entertainers like the Marx Brothers on Joey’s wall, he is a comedian. He is a fan of comedy. We were reminded of this throughout the series with his constant “jokes”, literally providing comic relief both in the house and for the viewer at home. I don’t remember if I personally ever found his comedy funny, but I do remember the folks in the audience thinking he was hysterical. But now, it just seems like he’s a cartoon of a stand-up comic, who’s overacting just to get a laugh. This is a man whose arsenal of impressions include but Bullwinkle, Pee-Wee Herman, and Popeye, all of which are fine, but more importantly, not funny. Joey is like Bobby Moynihan’s character in Sisters – he fancies himself a hilarious comedian who is a never-ending bit machine, but can barely get a chuckle out of anyone who’s close enough to hear him. It’s not until he accidentally snorts cocaine that he becomes truly funny, so what I’m saying is here, Joey, take up cocaine and as for your comedy – cut it out.
Jesse Katsopolis is the Kirk Gleason of San Francisco
We all know that being a rocker is not a steady job, which is why if you’re not someone like Beyonce or even an American Idol finalist, you need a back-up plan. For Jesse, he always wanted to be a musician. He initially was expected to take on his father’s extermination business, but that got squashed in season one. Then he enters the advertising business with Joey, because being a comedian is also not a super stable job, and they create an agency called JJ Creative Services, which includes making up jingles for ads (it actually kind of makes sense – music + corny comedy = TV ad jingles). They they get into being radio DJs for a show called Rush Hour Renegades, and finally Jesse becomes the owner of The Smash Club, a nightclub that probably the hippest place in town because it’s all ages and bands like Stephanie’s I Saw The Sign group play there all the time. Plus, he’s the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers (who are huge in Japan) .Not to mention he’s got the job of being a father to twins. That’s a lot. You know who else had a lot of jobs throughout the run of a TV series? Kirk from Gilmore Girls. And even weirder – like Jesse Cochran-turned-Katsopolis, Kirk was initially Mick in the first ep he was ever on. Maybe they’re related or BFFs in an alternate universe.
Why Do Grown Ass Men Hate Kimmy
Kimmy’s not the easiest pill to swallow. She makes it easy to make fun of her with her quirky antics and stinky feet. But when you’re a man in your 30s helping to raise three children, and one of those kid’s best friends lives next door and is at your house all the time, maybe don’t make fun of her all the time? Danny, Jesse and Joey are constantly taking swipes at Kimmy as if they’re in elementary school and they’re picking on the nerdy girl in class. Is it for comic relief? Yes. Is it subconsciously the guys accepting Gibbler as one of their own (only you can make fun of your family, etc.)? Maybe. Still not ok.
The Magic Attic
This is the Full House house:
This is the attic Jesse and Becky and their twins and a grand piano lived:
So remember a couple months ago when Netflix (pause: I was typing this and a Fuller House commercial legit came on the TV – it’s weird this popular streaming service is advertising on network TV. ANYWAYS) released the first promo for Fuller House? If you don’t, maybe it’s because you blocked it out after CRYING SO MANY UNEXPECTED TEARS.
It was the first look into the new era of a Tanner family, or rather “Fuller” family since that’s DJ’s married name now, and how things have changed since 1995. Specifically, it’s comprised of shots of an empty house, which looks all too familiar and different at the same time. For many of us, this home isn’t just the ‘house that built the tanners’, it’s the ‘house that built me’ as a viewer as well. But of course they can’t keep the exact same set from 20 years ago. It’s TV, things need to updated and shown that time has passed, so in conjunction with our ongoing series Let’s All Decorate, Let’s All RE-Decorate one of America’s most beloved houses and explore its new life in 2016.
The Living Room
THEN:
This living room is arguably one of the most recognizable in TV, and while its architecture is a classic San Francsisco Victorian row house, it was a product on the 1990s inside. In addition to the random decorative tchotchkes (tiny man with trumpet?) the most notable piece is the white and blue plaid couch. It’s been there since the pilot but what’s always been interesting to me is that it seems so small for a house of 9 people and a dog. And no other seating options? Actually if I recall correctly they sometimes had two chairs that weren’t present at all times?
NOW:
I still am unclear whether Danny still lives here (I’m assuming Jesse and Becky and Joey all moved out?), but he probably is the only one since DJ moves back in so easily. That could explain why not much has changed except for the pillows. WHY IS THAT DINGY COUCH STILL THERE??? Wake Up, San Francisco has got to pay you enough to buy a new one.
The Kitchen
THEN:
This kitchen boasts quintessential ’90s decor wood paneling, a matching wood kitchen table, cabinets, and chairs – Danny clearly wanted the seat cushions to match the living room couch.
NOW:
What’s interesting is that most of the kitchen is the same, save for new appliances and the backsplash near the stove, which I’m guessing has more to do with the fact producers wanted to keep the familiarity of the set but make it modern. Like how those seat cushions are the same, but 2016 is apparently the year the Tanners are super into signage (see:’eat’ and ‘home’ pillow on the couch.
D.J. and Stephanie’s/ Stephanie and Michelle’s Room
THEN:
I always thought this room was so cool- it had a bay window AND enough room for a table and chairs! The posters on the wall are always fun to look at and see where we were in this sliver of pop culture. Also Deej’s bed with the metal red frame is extremely 90s, while Steph’s bed looks like Danny got that bedding as a hand-me-down from his mom.
NOW:
Per the trailer, Deej is living back in her old room, but instead of sharing the room with her sister, she’s sharing the room with her baby boy. She’s exchanged the George Michael posters for classier rorschach test-looking art pieces and Mr. Pillow for a plushy owl. Also she has three kids, so there’s that.
Michelle’s/DJ’s Room
THEN:
This room started as baby Michelle’s room, which explains the trend in the ’80s and ’90s of slapping a strip of wallpaper with a repeating pattern on the wall. Here, teddy bears are the theme (which is clearly a musical theme with the guys as well), whereas the one in my old room was a strip featuring a series of jovial clowns that definitely aren’t creepy in 2016.
NOW:
Deej opted to exchange bears for planes, trains and automobiles in her son’s room (so she has two cribs? Or it changes mid-season?). It still has a warm vibe to it like it did before, and her oldest kid will probably come to DJ with a cue card presentation convincing her that he needs to have his own room because he’s too cool and his siblings are annoying and DJ agrees and the oldest and youngest sons switch places.
Jesse’s/Joey’s Room
THEN:
This particular picture is the Joey era of the room, as distinguished by the Marx Brothers and Charlie Chaplin wall posters in the background. JOEY WAS A COMEDIAN, OK?
NOW:
I’m assuming this is Kimmy’s room (she moves in to help DJ), since it’s bright and eccentric just like ostrich-owning Gibbler. In this scene she is literally doing the Hammertime dance because she can’t get out of the 90s. If there was a lava lamp in here next to a rainbow wax mold of her hand with a peace sign, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Joey’s Room/Jesse’s Recording Studio
THEN:
Before Joey more upstairs, he lived in the basement, a fully carpeted and furnished living area that was all his. Again, Charlie Chaplin continues to be an inspiration for Joe, and his lounge furniture a) has a random white design on it and b) easily looks like it could be patio furniture.
NOW:
My best guess is this room is now Stephanie’s living quarters. We still don’t know what she’s been up to all these years, but if this is her room, I’m theorizing she’s a world traveler who teaches yoga, based on the couch threads, possible sombrero on the staircase and Indian-style pillow with an elephant on it. Or she could be like, a 4th grade teacher who’s really into global studies.
Michelle Tanner, fashion maven, is apparently too busy to live in a row house with >10 other people. At least, that’s the party line for why the youngest Tanner will not be appearing on Fuller House. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Michelle is a fashion designer living the high life in New York City. Is this really surprising? We’ve already covered Ashley Olsen’s statement that Michelle’s wardrobe was made of cut-down designer pieces. Michelle wore a lot of sunflower hats, giant buttons, and clown sweatshirts, but it was the 80s and 90s. Who are we to say the top designers weren’t going a little overboard on the whimsy?
In the spirit of Michelle Tanner, Fashion Icon, we’re going to look at how the other Tanner girls were dressed back in the day — taking it back to one of our OTHER favorite 90s shows, House of Style.
D.J.
Country Goose D.J.
In 1987, those unfortunate mall bangs and shoulder pads hadn’t trickled down to Donna Jo Margaret Tanner. Deej wore washed-out pastels, simple t-shirts, and comfy sweats. Bangs were decidedly non-teased, and hair was worn long and probably un-permed. Remember when we discussed those weird geese in bonnets that were popular in 80s and 90s home decor? This is how a woman with ‘country geese’ in her house would dress her 11-year-old daughter. There’s nothing here that Candace Cameron (Bure) should find embarrassing: for an 80s kid, she is getting off very easy.
Chunky Sweater D.J.
Let’s call this D.J.’s transitional look. Not the pastel little-girl style of the first season, but not a full-out teeny bopper, either. Chunky knit sweaters weren’t JUST for teachers at Christmastime in the late 80s. It was a way to add some humor and color into those crisp Bay Area winters, I guess.
Woman Of The 80s D.J.
Like most of us, D.J. had some awkward fashion years around middle school. Unlike most of us, D.J.’s character was going through a ’13-year-old Cathy comic’ phase where she was basically a middle-aged woman. Sometime around junior high, Deej started dressing like a high-powered woman of the 80s, except that she was a child. Her hair was permed and teased, as was the style of the time. She wore a lot of vests that she didn’t have to be wearing. There were bright-toned blazers with some very of- the-moment Michael Jackson-style epaulets.
Laura (Kate and) Ashley (Olsen) D.J.
Dainty florals and schoolmarm chic were popular and – am I losing it? – kind of cute for a while. I just looked at these dresses and thought “wow, that is refreshingly age-appropriate,” so don’t worry, if I ever have a daughter she’s definitely gonna hate me when she’s a teenager.
Seattle D.J.
Deej went to high school, got a boyfriend, loosened up, and started wearing flannels. Which, during this particular era, was more universal and not like a subversive Seattle grunge thing.
Mid-90s Seventeen Magazine D.J.
As in, she looks just like the girls in the copies of Seventeen magazine I used to sneak-read when my sister got them in 1995. This was that fun Clueless era when mod accents, A-line silhouettes and athletic influences made teen fashion its own category. Deej favored slouchy faded-wash jeans and bodysuits for casual wear and short but not mini-short skirts when dressing up. Plus Candace Cameron got that cute bob and started to look like a trendy college girl instead of a goofy sitcom kid.
Stephanie
Adorable Moppet Stephanie
In the first few years, when Michelle was strictly in nonspeaking baby territory, Stephanie was the resident cute little kid. And she was GOOD at it: I remember watching reruns with friends in college, and all of us being stunned because little Jodie Sweetin actually had great delivery and timing. Early on, costumers played up the adorable little kid angle. They kept Stephanie in the same pastels and unteased hair as D.J., when at this point in the 80s there were a lot of loud prints and weird bangs going on in the outside world.
Foreman Of The Sass Factory Stephanie
Stephanie got older, and the Full House writers got more and more obsessed with catch phrases. They established Stephanie as the household sass. Jodie Sweetin got to rock a lot more neon patterns and weird prints, plus she got a perm.
Trendy Tween Stephanie
The perm came down and the bangs came up, and it became clear that Stephanie was the cool one in the family. Stephanie really got to shine as the aspiring young hip hop dancer that she was.
Bad Girl Stephanie
By the 7th season, Deej was too much of a 13-year-old Cathy Comic to give her many ‘edgy’ teen storylines (I mean, the time Jesse thought she was drinking and she wasn’t, I guess?). Michelle was now the cute kid. That mean that Stephanie had to be the ‘rebel.’ You can tell because she went to make-out parties, hung out with strange boys at the food court, didn’t practice for the talent show and wore a midriff-baring top.
The Smash Club. Rigby. Ranger Joe. Mr. Egghead. Waaaakkkkee Up! If any of these things sound familiar to you or speak to your soul on a deep level, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the first of an entire week of posts dedicated to beloved 90s sitcom Full House. Each day, we’re covering a different topic on FH, leading up to the premiere of the much-anticipated spin-off, Fuller House, on Friday.
Today, we’re reminiscing about some of the most memorable, crazy, and downright ridiculous plot lines that appeared on the eight seasons of Full House. Back in the day, shows had *full* jam-packed seasons, with 20-26 episodes over the course of about nine months. It’s not like these days when shows have 13-episode seasons. There was a lot of ground to cover and a lot of stories that had to be made up when watching on a TV set was your only option for small screen entertainment, and that meant getting to break stories that would’ve been cut if it were 2016. But, there’s still a lot of quality plot lines covered over the course of the 192 episodes they filmed, and here are just some of our favorites.
Season 1
Episode 11 – The Big 3-0
Danny is turning 30, which is our age, which is horrifying… but more on that later in the week. Okay, so Danny gets a midlife crisis (SHUTUP, MILLER-BOYETT PRODUCTIONS), and in the grand tradition of sitcoms, he also gets a midlife crisis car, Bullet. Jesse tries to buy seat covers for Bullet but accidentally drives it into the bay instead, arriving at the Tanner home with a zombie-car. The next day, Jesse and Joey get into a bidding war over a replacement Bullet, but the bidder on the other end of the phone is Danny.
The entire episode is an origin story for the Tanner’s drive across the bridge in the opening credits.
Episode 13 – Sisterly Love
D.J. has a stellar performance in a school production of the Frog Prince, and Danny scores her an audition for a cereal commercial. Stephanie accidentally swoops in, steals the limelight, and gets cast in the commercial. First of all, if I were DJ I would have been furious, too. Second, as someone who used to act as a kid, this isn’t how auditions work (I still remember my grandma saying “why don’t you bring your cousin to that commercial audition?” Um, how about because she’s NOT INVITED. And doesn’t have headshots or anything. And is cuter than me.) The episode comes to a head with Deej and Steph chasing each other around the table yelling “Stephanie Judith!” “Donna Jo Margaret!” as Steph wears a KILLER dress. I believe this is when we learned the girls’ middle names. Very exciting.
Oat Boats looks like boring, generic mom-approved cereal, anyway.
Season 2
Episode 1 – Cutting It Close
Stephanie accidentally cuts a chunk of Jesse’s treasured hair, which seems like more of a Michelle thing but whatever. On the way back from getting it fixed, Jesse gets into a motorcycle accident, totals his bike and breaks both arms. Although everything that happened to him was horrible, what stands out in my memory is Jesse, both arms outstretched in casts, being a TOTAL DICK to Stephanie, a small motherless child.
Season 3
Episode 11 – Aftershocks
When Stephanie gets really clingy to Danny, nobody can figure out that she’s traumatized because there was an earthquake and Danny was late getting home. The good: they show Stephanie visiting a child psychiatrist, which probably was a great way to normalize that for kids in the 80s. The bad: nobody seems to realize that after losing her mom at a young age, Steph’s maybe going to react poorly when she thinks her dad is in danger.
Also there are kind of a lot of car wreck/ totaled car plots in this show. Keep reading.
Episode 20 – Honey, I Broke the House
Joey gets a brand new car (it’s from 1963) and becomes a hardcore motorhead. Like there was a small nick on it and he went to get touch-up paint to fix it. Unfortunately for him, he was in for quite a nightmare when Stephanie gets behind the driver’s seat when he’s not around and mistakes the ‘R’ on the stick (lever?) for ‘Radio’, and the car goes at a faster speed than it should in reverse (?) and straight into the house. She panics and says she’s leaving for Mexico, obviously, but ends up at Becky’s house. And in one of the most memorable shots from the series, Steph hides from Uncle Jesse by putting herself in a long coat hanging from the door. The reveal of Jesse face to face with Steph is such a classic sitcom move that warms my heart.
Episode 24 – Our Very First Telethon
Danny and Becky are hosting the We Love Our Children telethon, because the organizer of this fundraiser was too lazy to come up with a creative title for the event. Danny makes his kids participate in this 24-hour telethon, and while we get a glimpse of Steph’s dance skills, we also get a glimpse of Deej’s singing AND grocery shopping talents with a song called Lollipops & Gummibears. Is this a real song? Or something especially crafted for two wholesome kids to sing on a family sitcom in 1990? Also, it’s worth noting this ep suggests there is more than one telethon but, guess what we don’t see for the next five seasons? Another telethon.
Season 4
Episode 1 – Greek Week
The Tanners’ Greek relatives visit: Jesse’s grandparents, their great-granddaughter Melina (Olsen twin stunt casting), and some random woman and child who happen to be Jesse and D.J.’s ages. D.J. walks around the table with the Greek boy, then learns that that means that she’s married to him. It’s one of those 90s sitcom moments where they act like countries other than the U.S. are stuck somewhere in the mid-1800s. Luckily, Deej gets a quickie divorce (read: walks backwards around the table.) OPA!
Episode 8 – Shape Up
Kimmy is having a pool party, and since Deej is a 13-year-old Cathy comic she is terrified about showing up in her bathing suit. D.J. grows one of those sitcom-induced 24-hour eating disorders. Things I still remember about this episode after 25 years: Michelle getting to go to that cool kiddie gym in a gymboree-style aerobics outfit; Deej snacking on ice cubes; Michelle cramming wedding cake samples into her mouth like a feral child; D.J. telling Comet that dogs don’t have to wear bathing suits, which is true but that’s because they’re always naked instead; Stephanie blowing a piece of gum out of a recorder in a particularly weak B-story. This episode aired during the interlude between Karen Carpenter and Tracey Gold when eating disorders were cured by a talk about how bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
Season 5
Episode 7 – The Volunteer
D.J. makes an elderly friend who has Alzheimers, even though she’s in junior high, just because that seems like a pretty D.J. thing to do. She breaks her old friend Eddie out of the nursing home and he comes to the Tanner’s house, where he becomes confused and thinks that Deej is his daughter, Gloria. Eddie stays for dinner and is never heard from again. Meanwhile, Steph and Kimmy stage a dog show for all of the dogs in the neighborhood, which is probably why this episode stands out in my memory. So many dogs! Comet does not win, but he does fall in love with another dog (who is also never heard from again).
Episode 16 – Crushed
It’s Steph’s 10th birthday and her one wish is that pop star/teen heartthrob Tommy Page, who is a guest on Wake Up, San Francisco, comes to her party. BTW, Tommy Page is A) a real singer B) Still a real singer and continues to tour! Luckily, Danny’s one step ahead of Steph and surprises her by having him show up and sing a song specifically for her, making her think he likes her back. But then she sees Deej kissing him and the siblings are at war. But like, why is this pop star making out with a rando 15 year old at a 10 year old girl’s party???
Season 6
Episode 14 – Birthday Blues
D.J. and Steve are celebrating their 6 month anniversary, which in high school terms is like their 50th anniversary. Deej is so into Steve that she forgets that it’s Kimmy’s Sweet 16. She throws a makeshift party, and – the only important thing in the episode – makes Kimmy a hash brown and ketchup cake. To this day, I use the hash brown cake as shorthand for forgetting to make plans for someones birthday and throwing together a crappy present or party. D.J. has a dad talk with Danny, then Kimmy has a dad talk with D.J., and everything’s fine.
Episodes 23 & 24 – The House Meets the Mouse, Parts 1 & 2
Season 6 is jam packed with great episodes, but the finale where the entire Tanner clan goes to Disney World has to be one of the most iconic in series’ history. A lot goes on in this ep, but in a nutshell, Jesse and the Rippers are hired to play at show at Disney World and it incidentally coincides with his and Becky’s anniversary, so they decide to go together. But then, because it’s Full House and they are all attached to the hip, the entire extended fam goes. Michelle wins Princess for the Day and Steph is jealous. Danny keeps trying to propose to Vicky. Joey, yet again gets the short end of the stick and is alone visiting the Disney animation studios because ABC/Disney need to have synergy on their programs, and Deej misses Steve so much she hallucinates that he’s basically every Disney character. Including Aladdin, which is weirdly meta since Scott Weinger actually did voice Aladdin IRL. This is such a memorable episode in FH history that even to this day, when I go on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, I think Steve’s going to pop out and surprise me.
Season 7
Episode 5 – Fast Friends
Steph is now in sixth grade with not a lot of friends due to redistricting ala FNL, and she wants to make ‘Fast Friends’. So naturally, she falls into the trope of a group of bad girls, led by Gia aka Marla Sokoloff, who is 2 cool 4 skool, and proves it by smoking in the bathroom. For me, it’s difficult to make fun of this since I understand it’s like a life lesson they want to teach kids watching the show, because now I’m seeing it through the lens of an adult.
Episode 9 The Day of the Rhino
When Michelle and her rag-tag gang of moppets receive paltry little action figures when they were ordering a giant rhino doll, they learn a thing or two about advertising and another thing or two about civic resistance. The kiddos go to Rigby the Rhino’s mall performance and chant “Rigby Is A Ripoff!” Rigby makes it all right by tracking down Michelle at her home, giving her a stuffed toy, and offering replacements to all of the kids who got the ripoff Rigbys.
Next time you read a think piece about how millennials are at once entitled, but also principled and engaged, think of this episode: we’ve been like this since we were 7.
Episode 17 The Last Dance
Papouli, the Tanners’ great-grandfather who the kids have only met one other time, visits and dies. Michelle is devastated because he was supposed to teach Greek dance to her class, but eventually she gathers her resolve and does it herself. As a child I was kind of like, sure it’s sad, but wasn’t Papouli a stranger, more or less? But now that we’re watching through our adult lens, this episode was a good way to introduce the death of a family member in a way that kids could relate to, but that wasn’t as traumatic as, like, killing Joey.
Season 8
Episode 3 – Making Out Is Hard To Do
In a weird parallel universe, Barry Williams, aka Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch, is playing himself and replaces Jesse as the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers. Naturally, Jesse gets a bit jeal, because who wouldn’t be if a ’70s TV star took over your job? Also this is the episode where Steph goes to a make out party (hence the title). When I was watching this, I thought this was a real thing teens did. I showed up to boy/girl parties and was greatly disappointed. Or was I just not invited to the ‘cool’ parties?
Episode 11 – Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen
In the show’s final Christmas episode, Michelle decides she needs to exchange the plastic tie with cup holders on it for a legit present for her dad, and she and Jesse go to the novelty store where she got them from. But the owner, played by Mickey Rooney, is a curmudgeonly old man who refuses to exchange the gift and comes to the conclusion Jess and Michelle are thieves, so he locks them in his store. Otherwise known as holding them hostage. But it’s ok because he’s Mickey Rooney and it turns out he’s just misplacing his anger because he hasn’t seen his daughter and family in years. Jesse and Michelle invite him to have Christmas dinner with the Tanners, and Mickey Rooney dresses up like Santa. The casting of Mickey Rooney was really a coup, since he was is in high demand for TGIF shows in the 90s. JK what was he even doing there.
Welcome to our second installment of our year-long Cheers Chats series, where we travel back in time to revisit one of the most acclaimed and revered sitcoms in history, Cheers. Incidentally, today’s post comes a couple days before we get to see the Cheers cast reunited once again for Must See TV: A Tribute to James Burrows. Or, you may know it as the “Friends reunion” aka five of the six friends got together on a couch (not at Central Perk) to talk about their beloved director Jimmy Burrows. The cast of Cheers sat on the same couch and had a similar conversation about their time on the show with James. At this point, only eight episodes into the first season of Cheers, we’re not as emotionally involved as we are with Friends, a show that shaped our youth. But despite that, we are both greatly enjoying our binge of Cheers a mere 30+ years later, so we’ll check back at the end of the year and freak out about the following reunion at the James Burrows tribute:
Anyways, back to season one. Last time we covered the Pilot, and this time we’re on Season 1, Episode 8: Truce or Consequences (We’re going by this list from AV Club if you’re wondering what our plan of attack is). There is some serious girl power in this ep, so get ready for a lot of Carla and Diane talk.
Episode 1.08: Truce or Consequences
Netflix synopsis: When the constantly bickering Carla and Diane call a truce over drinks, Diane loosens up and professes her desire for a friend.
M: The only friends I can think of are her bookish chum who showed up in the last episode (which made me wonder if, as college educated single ladies, we would have been like Diane and Diane’s Friend in the 80s??), and, of course, Sam.
T: I do find myself trying to figure out which one of the characters I’m most like on this show, and I usually err to the side of Diane. Fantasy: Carla. Reality: Diane.
Chit-Chat Club
(Off-topic Cheers chatter.)
T: I just realized that all of these episodes so far have been bottle episodes, which could be its secret weapon.
M: I think you’re really onto something, and I wonder if this will keep up for the whole series? This also explains why we weren’t interested in it as kids: a group of adults talking in a dark bar every week.
T: Now that we are adults, talking with a group of friends in a dark bar that’s not a nightclub sounds like a dream.
Bahhston Tahhlk
T: Coach says he’s never driven home alone before? The man is like 60 years old. Then Norm offers to let him drive him to Kenmore (which isn’t too far from the Cheers bar) then take a cab back to the bar. This seems ridiculous. I guess that’s the point.
M: Was about to question whether Coach just hangs out at the bar and doesn’t drink, then I remembered that the answer is yes. Because he works there. Shouldn’t some of these people be taking the T, anyway?
T: Yes! They should be taking the T! No one lives in this area except rich people like John Kerry. That’s a fact. When Molly came to visit me in Boston, we stood outside his brownstone and took a pic.
M: I probably don’t even have to say this, but it was 2005.
Carla’s My Boo
T: Carla (under the influence of the Leap Into an Open Grave) starts telling Diane she has a secret, and wants to get it off her chest but doesn’t know if she can trust her. Carla decides to go for it, and the way she’s telling the story makes me think it’s all a joke and she’s gonna yell PSYCHE at the end. She does not. She tells Diane that years ago, Sam got drunk, she drove him home, one thing led to another, and nine months later Sam’s son Gino was born. WHERE IS THE PUNCHLINE.
Carla’s never told anyone. I feel like this is a test. Is Diane even going to remember this?
M: Is Gino Sam’s April Nardini? Because usually they don’t pull that shit in Season One.
“Question: Who is my dad?”
FYI, in an earlier episode Carla says that she gets pregnant if you wink at her so at least they’re keeping her character consistent.
Shut Up, Diane
(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)
M: Since the pilot, one of my favorite things is the Carla/Diane rivalry. It’s also how I came to start to almost like Diane. Carla said that Diane wasn’t blonde in college, and Diane growled something like “look in the yearbook, Carla. Carla. Look. In the yearbook.” It was like Leslie Knope serving it to Eagleton.
T: They hug and Diane starts singing People because of this moment they’re sharing. I don’t find myself making up with rivals too often, but I can tell you I won’t be singing any Barbra Streisand during the make-up sesh.
M: I was really warming to her, but nope. SHUT UP DIANE is still a necessary Cheers Chats feature.
Also why does Diane act so traumatized by this news? She knows Carla has a bunch of kids with different fathers. File under: Diane is impossibly prissy.
M: Carla told Diane the story knowing she’d blab it everywhere, so basically an entire episode based on the Shut Up, Diane premise.
T: It’s like we wrote her character from start to finish based on the pilot alone.
M: Sam snaps “Stay out of it, Diane” which is a Shut Up, Diane of his own.
Little Ditty About Sam & Diane
T: BTW since the pilot, it’s becoming more clear that Sam & Diane are feelin each other. Like in the way that Sam gets jealous of men interested in Diane and vice versa.
M: Also, these little gestures…. like, Diane playfully unties Sam’s waist apron in lieu of totally doing it with him. Diane. Sam. Do it.
T: Oh Sam comes in to save the day, Diane is passed out in an “Open Grave” drink and he offers to take her home. Carla explains that she “told the biggest lie I could think of and she started to sing!”
T: Diane’s hangover acting is not good. She can’t find the hook on the coat rack. She’s hungover not blind.
T: Diane def remembers the lie Carla told her about Gino and tries to hint to Sam that she knows the secret. COME ON DIANE.
M: Diane: who put my pajamas on? Me: SAM AND DIANE. Do it.
Pour It Up, Pour It Up
(Drinks at the bar)
“We call it ‘Leap Into an Open Grave’ all the liquor some OJ, an egg, blended.” In these ridic glasses. They look like fishbowls you’d try to shoot a ping pong ball into at a carnival.
Say It Again, Sam
(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)
Carla to Diane – “Listen pencil neck, you’re starting to get on my nerves!”
Sam to Diane and Carla: “Two women who hate each other left alone in a room with glass and alcohol.”
Diane to Carla: Let’s have a bottle of wine. I think we have your favorite, Chateau Guam?
Carla to Diane: You hold your secrets like you hold your booze
Women fighting is very unlady like. Unless of course they’re wallowing around in mud pits.
Diane, re: Carla: I reached out to this “little twerp”
Carla: You sound like a lady getting tired of her teeth. (Ed. note: Whenever Carla gets feisty she sounds like one of the mean orphans in Annie.)
Cheers Queries
T: Diane and Carla haven’t been getting along over the past few episodes, I just didn’t realize it was bad enough for them to have a sit down convo?
M: Yeah, I thought they were just being snarky at each other, like it’s their love language.
T: Sam and Carla start hysterically laughing because they both know that Gino is ugly and so is her husband I feel uncomfortable about this. They’re laughing at a seven year old kid because he’s ugly?
M: It’s less bad because they don’t show him. Kind of like Karen’s stepchildren in Will & Grace (or did they show them eventually?)
It is kind of refreshing that Carla can laugh at her own kid being ugly, since the popular thing now is for parents to think their kids are gorgeous even when they’re not. Note: I may just be saying that because Carla’s my boo.
Barfly Fashion
Everyone has great winter sweaters on. It reminds me of the sweaters we had to wear as a uniform in high school.
Carla and her bright red pants
Carla’s shirt with random shapes on it:
Also, all of the women have fluffy Q-tip hair (the bathroom tool, not the rapper/actor).
The Academy Awards are about a week away, which means we’ll know whether or not American Treasure Leonardo DiCaprio will be holding a solid gold man in his hands or the Internet will continue to rage against his injustice of still not getting the Oscar he truly deserves.
Back in 2013, it was our freshman year on the blog and I wrote this following post in honor of my boo’s 39th birthday. It got some traction and became its own viral WordPress sensation, which is ironic since it’s a post all about the Internet. Anyways, a little over two years have passed and I thought it would be appropriate to bring back these Oscar memes for #ThrowbackThursday since unfortunately they still ring true to this day.
Let’s not jinx it, but everyone cross everything on their person and knock on all the wood that Leo’s going home with the gold this year (and that he has a moment with Kate in the process).
On November 11th, 2013, Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio turned 39 years of age. 39. That’s one year away from 40. Leo is officially like, an adult. Perhaps the age was jarring because in my mind, he is forever 23 years old. If you do the math (which, I mean, don’t), that brings us to 1997, when he was in Titanic. You guessed it folks – I, like many girls of my generation – was a total Titanic fangirl. I saw it 5 times in the movie theater, purchased every single item of memorabilia (including the script) and wore out tapes 1 & 2 of the VHS copies. In fact, I was so obsessed with Leo himself that I made it a mission to watch every single movie he was in (note to parents: don’t let your 12 year old watch The Basketball Diaries without knowing what it’s about first) and even used the name “Julieta” in Spanish class as an ode to Romeo + Juliet.
Anyways, because I am a Leo fan, I’ve always remembered his birthday, but I never would have imagined he would have a bash like he did on Sunday. Apparently, Leo is a big rap fan, and invited his FRIEND 2 Chainz to perform. Oh yeah, AND Kanye West.
The party at Tao in NYC ended up being a charity event too, because he raised $3 million for his environmental foundation, so all in all not too shabby. But thanks to social media and the internet, there are plenty of videos and pix to make us *almost* feel like we were there.
Then again, Leo has somehow been a constant presence on the internet, despite the man himself being a more reserved and private celebrity. Case in point: Memes.
Just like it’s difficult to find a person who hates Leo IRL, the internet feels the same adoration for him, by making him the subject of many a meme. So to celebrate Leo in all his glorious 39 years of existence, here are some of the greatest viral items of one of the greatest actors of our generation.
Strutting Leo
The one that stands out the most – strutting Leo. Originally taken while he was on set filming Inception, the folks of the interwebz took this comical pic of Leo and Photoshop him into various other scenes.
Inception strutting
bitch what are you doing here strutting
come catch me strutting
thx moses strutting
reaping strutting
Inception Leo
This was taken straight from a scene in Inception where Cobb (Leo) is talking to Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy), but Leo’s reaction face is what got the internet nerds all in a tizzy.
Rage over Leo’s lack of Oscars
Pretty self explanatory. The Academy hates Leo. The Internet hates the Academy.
because lindsay lohan
Bad Luck Leo
In which Jack Dawson looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, his heart is frozen over.
Poppin ‘n Lockin Leo
If this doesn’t convince you to see Wolf of Wall Street, I don’t know what will
Basically, this was just posted everywhere and anywhere and sometimes in wall form.
In this Very Special Edition of Hamilton Explained, we aren’t explaining lyrics from Hamilton. Instead, we are using Lin-Manuel Miranda’s lyrics to explain a hot topic of the day: the whys and hows of appointing a Supreme Court Justice when one dies, retires, or resigns. Hamilton lyrics are in red and underlined.
A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life. Sort of.
Supreme Court justices are Article III judges – federal judges whose powers and responsibilities are governed by Article III of the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution provides, in relevant part, “[t]he judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behaviour.” (U.S. Const., art. III, § 1).
Most justices appointed by Washington died or retired within several years.
John Marshall, a historical figure who deserves a rap musical of his own, was appointed by John Adams (“President John Adams” – Good luck). So was Bushrod Washington, among others. Both served for over 30 years. A precedent was set: Justices were able to serve until death. (For your love, for your praise And I’ll love you till my dying days).
But to be honest, a life term was a bit shorter in the early 1800s. Sure, historical lifespan ranges are skewed by high infant mortality (Every other founding father gets to grow old), but the fact is that starting in the 20th century, justices lived considerably longer. John Adams (sit down John, you fat mother – [BLEEP!]) may not have predicted that. (See, I never thought I’d live past twenty; Where I come from some get half as many.)
Well … I should say that Justices serve for life – if they want – as long as they exemplify “good behaviour” (You keep out of trouble and you double your choices). IRL, only one justice has ever been impeached.
2. There are reasons for the justices to sit on the bench until death, retirement, or resignation.
First of all, this alleviates partisan pressures – Justices don’t have to appease the party that nominated them (don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for) or make their decisions based on what will get them elected to, say, a senate seat in the future (if you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for?).
Alexander joins forces with James Madison and John Jay to write a series of essays defending the new United States Constitution, entitled The Federalist Papers. The plan was to write a total of twenty-five essays, the work divided evenly among the three men. In the end, they wrote eighty-five essays, in the span of six months. John Jay got sick after writing five. James Madison wrote twenty-nine. Hamilton wrote the other fifty-one!
… in one essay, Hamilton wrote: “nothing can contribute so much to its firmness and independence as permanency in office”.
When a Supreme Court Justice can make his or her decisions based on their clearest interpretation of the Constitution and judicial precedent, they are (we hope) making decisions that will benefit American law for centuries to come, instead of their own career (What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.)
3. Eventually, some people retire…
If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on It outlives me when I’m gone
While Washington set the precedent for the two-term limit, we tend to think of Marshall as the originator of the life term for Supreme Court justices, even though that’s not strictly true.
and others die. You have no control: Who lives, who dies, who tells your story … or which Justice dies during your Presidential term, it goes without saying.
4. Let’s take it back to 6th grade: there are three branches of government operating under a system of checks and balances.
I’ve been reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine … which argued against the system of checks and balances. And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment, the drafters of the Constitution (I was chosen for the Constitutional Convention!) had to revisit the philosophies (like Paine’s) that lead them to break from England in order to create a new system of government (If we lay a strong enough foundation, We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you).
The result: a legislative, executive and judicial branch organized under the Constitution and its ever-expanding list of amendments (The constitution’s a mess -So it needs amendments). It’s full of contradictions, So is independence.
Basically all of American government is organized under the mantra of “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” And, the judiciary doesn’t need to tailor its decisions to the whims of the current legislature (My power of speech: unimpeachable).
5. When a vacancy is created by death, resignation, retirement, or impeachment (sorry, Samuel Chase), the President nominates a new Supreme Court Justice.
Despite those tweets you saw from your one Tea Party Uncle, this isn’t at all up for debate and is actually an enumerated power in the Constitution. Your Tea Party Uncle probably claims to be a strict constructionist, so he should love this. “He shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint … Judges of the supreme Court…” (U.S. Const., Art. II).
There’s never been a case where the President has left nomination up to the Senate, nor could he, because again, the President nominating the Supreme Court is legit written in the Constitution (I’d rather be divisive than indecisive).
Other than the President choosing the nominee, there aren’t really any other enumerated requirements. Unlike the President, the Supreme Court justice does not need to have been born on American soil – A place where even orphan immigrants can leave their fingerprints and rise up. Typically a nominee will be trained as a lawyer, and often is a sitting District Court judge.
Another thing: you get love for it. You get hate for it, You get nothing if you… Wait for it, wait for it, wait! Which is to say, the President has ALWAYS said “I am not throwing away my shot” and appointed a new Justice – because we NEED the Judicial branch in America, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my own pet branch of government, but also because the Constitution says that it’s his job.
6. The Legislative branch is responsible for vetting and confirming this Justice.
When it’s time for the Senate Judiciary Committee to hold confirmation hearings, they are typically subject to lobbying from special interest groups and their electors. You cannot discount how influential lobbyists can be: at worst, holding funding over a senator’s head, but at best, educating them on possible implications of their decisions on segments of the U.S. population (No one really knows how the Parties get to yess The pieces that are sacrificed in Ev’ry game of ches We just assume that it happens But no one else is in The room where it happens.)
During the hearings, the nominee is questioned by the Committee (Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances). They cover the nominee’s basic history (What’s your name, man?) and judicial philosophy (He started retreatin’ and readin’ every treatise on the shelf), but nominees may refuse to answer questions.
The Committee then votes on whether the nominee’s appointment should go to a Senate vote with a positive, negative, or neutral vote. Most disputes die, and no one shoots and also most nominees do go to a vote on the Senate floor.
If they don’t reach a peace, that’s alright. The Senate has only formally rejected 12 nominees after a full confirmation hearing; the last time that happened was in 1987.
But if the Senate DOES fail to confirm, they still don’t get to nominate a candidate because that is the president’s job. (But they don’t have a plan, they just hate mine!)
7. In the meantime, what happens to cases decided by the dead Supreme Court Justice?
While the Senate is twiddling its thumbs and playing pick-up sticks, a slate of pending Supreme Court cases hangs in the balance. So if they’re tempted to drag out the process for political reasons… um… Are these the men with which I am to defend America?
The late Justice does not get a say in future votes, even if he indicated how he was going to vote (Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.) With the number of Supreme Court Justices at an inconvenient eight, any cases with a 4-4 split are bound to the lower courts’ decision. The Court is permitted to continue hearing cases, but most appellees don’t want their cases heard by an even-numbered court – although you can always do what I do: play Fantasy SCOTUS with upcoming cases and predict where the votes will fall. Some cases seem almost guaranteed for an even split; others may be unaffected. The Court may vote to hold over cases that are likely to split 4-4, which is obviously a massive delay in cases that have usually been working their way up the chain for years by the time cert is granted.
8. The Justice is confirmed; America continues.
Supreme Court Justices pledge their careers – literally until death – to upholding the U.S. Constitution and the rule of law as they see it. Death doesn’t discriminate, Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes. And we keep living anyway – the cases approved for this term must be decided. There is no stop-point with justice. Our founding fathers knew it, and we know it – there is no decision that the Court makes on ANY issue that will be its last one. Jurisprudence evolves as our nation does. Carrying on short an Associate Justice is simply not an option.
However, there is a long list of qualified nominees, a President with the express power to appoint one, and a Senate full of politicians who we have elected because they have vowed to approve qualified nominees – and at that time, another Justice will don the robe and continue the work.
America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me
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Cookies + Sangria 