Saturday Spotlight: All Abuzz

It was Bee Week – and you know what that means: Scripps Nation Spelling Bee coverage because hey, I’m not ashamed to be a word nerd. This year, we were especially excited to feature a post by last year’s funniest spellebrity, Amber Born. But with the start of So You Think You Can Dance, the advent of bathing suit season, and the return of the Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries, that wasn’t all we were buzzing about!

Ugh. Sorry. Bee puns are awful, always. Please don’t stop reading.


Gigantic Old-Fashioned Wool Bathing Suits For Every Body

Memorial Day is here, and Memorial Day means the beginning of summer*! And summer means bathing suits! And bathing suits mean bathing suit shopping, and bathing suit shopping means falling further and further into despair as a cheerful shopping attendant tries to bring you ill-fitting bikinis, ending up like a real-life version of a late-80s Cathy comic. ACKKKK!!!

It doesn’t have to be like this. Once upon a time, swimwear experienced a golden age, when toned abs and cellulitic thighs alike were covered by thick woolen fabric. I’m talking about the 1860s through the 1920s, the bathing suit’s zenith.

So, like so many fashion magazines, we thought we would help you find a bathing suit. Nay, not just any bathing suit, the absolute perfect old-timey bathing suit for your body type. Spoiler: it probably weights over 5 pounds and comes with a superfluous belt.

* Also technically, solemn reflection for those who have gone before us. But mostly barbeques! [Source: my Facebook feed]

Apple Shaped

The real challenge for the apple-shaped woman is choosing between a two-piece (which is going to expose your midsection), or dealing with clingy Lycra and spandex adhering to your belly. However, in the 1880s you could let it all hang out (and then immediately cover all of it with wool). For ladies who carry their weight in their (neatly corseted) midsection, these full, proud pantaloons lead the eye down and balance your proportions. Bonus: the giant legs makes your feet look like Barbie feet tacked onto a My Buddy doll.


Best Of: So You Think You Can Dance Group Routines

Summer TV is usually nonexistent, with a lot of crappy shows and reality TV programs filling in for the good shows while they go on hiatus for a few months. But my absolute favorite summer show is So You Think You Can Dance. Now in its 11th (!!) season, SYTYCD has been the sole series bringing dance to the forefront over the past few years. The alumni have gone on to work for pop stars like Lady Gaga and Madonna, starring in movies like Step Up and Fame, and in general, just getting more recognition than ever before.

And while the entire competition is about finding the best male and female dancers in the country, like a lot of things in life, you improve when you build, connect and create with others. Every year there are exceptionally talented dancers who make it to the top 10, and their talent is ever apparent when they perform together.

Choreographer: Wade Robson ♦ Song: Ramalama (Bang Bang) by Roisin Murphy

If you’ve been a fan from the start (or season 2, because that’s when I like to believe it really started), you know Ramalama is one of the iconic SYTYCD dances ever. This creepy zombie-like routine was choreographed by Wade Robson, who teenyboppers from the late 90s/00s know was the choreographer to both ‘N Sync and Britney Spears – and the rumored guy Brit cheated on from Justin. Yeah, that whole Cry Me A River song? It’s to do with Wade. Allegedly. Anyways, forget that and just watch this haunting routine instead.


 

Meet Speller 115: Inside The Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘Spellebrity’ Amber Born

But you’re normal! I thought spellers were all nerdy and socially awkward losers who do nothing but spell?

My answer: Okay, some of us (who shall remain nameless) are. But in general, spellers are pretty normal people who just happen to be devoting a zillion hours of their lives to learning to spell the names of African antelopes and German philosophies. Seriously, though, if you look at the biographies of the spellers on the Bee website, you’ll see that the interests range from sports to art to comedy writing.

Did you see this thing online media where they made fun of the Bee and all the spellers?

My answer: Probably. I would like to say that pretty much every single speller looks themselves up online during or after the Bee is over, so it would be nice if the internet could keep its crueler comments about the spellers to itself (that applies to a lot of things, actually). Spellers work really hard, and you know nothing about them in real life, so you should just shut up. Just so you know, I’m not talking about Cookies + Sangria or the blogs that treat spellers like the awesome spellebrities that they generally are. I’m referring to the weird people who make racist and/or anti-nerd jokes and have no conscience about the fact that they’re dissing twelve year olds online, which is pretty much the stupidest thing you could do, along with putting paper clips in electrical outlets and thinking The Colbert Report is serious. Anyway, my point is this: spellers are cool. They have friends. They may be nerds, but they also have a lot of other stuff going on.


The Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries: Season 5

Episode 15

DC fans: this is the infamous robbery episode, so brace yourselves. Everyone else – thanks for reading this far but good GOD get ready for an effed up episode (which you can view in its entire below).

I figure this is a ‘Very special episode of Dawson’s Creek because of the different opening credits – it looks like the beginning of a Disney Channel Original Movie.

The episode starts out in Downtown Crossing, which, when I lived blocks away from there, was a bustling area. Even if it’s midnight. Joey is walking by herself at a leisurely pace, staring at stars in the sky. I take this as a bad sign already because no one in Boston does this unless you’re a tourist. Walking is for getting from Point A to Point B. Also, it appears that no one else is around at this time of night – but she said she was taking the subway, and if the subway’s still open, it means there should be people around, but conveniently, there is not a soul in sight.

A man spots Joey going to an ATM vestibule and follows her. Instead of straight up mugging her, he decides to talk to her and tell her he’s not going to rob her. Then asks for money. She says no, but he keeps pushing. Joey being, well, Joey, insists she doesn’t have any and he’s all ‘Bitch I saw you come out of the bank’ (not verbatim). She tries to walk away and he pulls out a gun.

Joey is spending waaayyyy too much time chatting with him. She told him her real name AND the school she goes too NO TIME TO BE SASSY RN JO. THIS SCENE IS LASTING WAY TOO LONG. WHY ARE THEY SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER AND WHY ARE THERE NO OTHER PEOPLE AROUND THIS IS THE WORST. NOW SHE’S GIVING HIM DATING ADVICE?? ” I can’t believe I’m even participating in this conversation,” says Joey. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE PARTICIPATING IN THIS CONVERSATION EITHER.


Spelling Superlatives: Everyone’s A Winner At The 2014 Scripps Bee

Most Enthusiastic Speller: Jacob Williamson.

This kid squealed with glee when he got words right, and ran to the stage with the force of 10 Price Is Right contestants when he was announced as a finalist. It was fun to see a kid act like this was the most exciting moment of his life, because face it, it probably was. If you watched the Bee, you know that you really can’t categorize the spellers as one particular kind of kid. But if Central Casting had to come up with an enthusiastic Bee kid, Jacob would be it.

Best (Worst?) Peripeteia: Jacob Williamson, again.

Want to see the elation of victory turned, in a matter of seconds, into the agony of defeat? Yeah, me either – but I saw it anyway, when Jacob Williamson KNEW kabarogoya, until he … didn’t. My theory: he correctly remembered that it was an “easy one” – a word spelled almost phonetically – but, alas, forgot about that whole c/k thing.

 

 

 

Spelling Superlatives: Everyone’s A Winner At The 2014 Scripps Bee

I fell down the televised Bee rabbit hole when I was in eighth grade, home with strep throat on the day of the finals. A few (ahem) years later, I was once again home, this time from work, and this this time with an improbably horrible ear infection (current feeling: that part of Godspell when Jesus caterwauls “Oh Go-ohhhd, I’m dy-y-ing!”) The Bee is the best sick day viewing ever: repetitive, soothing, and lengthy, which is great for when you’re so ill that you’re too apathetic to change the channel. Not to mention, there’s nothing more calming than the gentle monotone of Jacques Bailly, except perhaps for Jacques Bailly conversing with Terry Gross.

However, you don’t have to have an infectious disease to appreciate the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It seems like every year more and more people watch it, so I’m sure we have plenty of readers who appreciated these Spelling Bee Superlatives as much as I did. With these categories, almost everyone’s a winner!

Actual Winners: Sriram Hathwar and Ansun Sujoe

[But, REAL Actual Winners: All Of Us]

Every year when I watch the Bee, I wish there was a way for everyone to win. There isn’t. But TWO kids winning is pretty great, right? Watching the word list dwindle, I hoped against hope they’d both keep answering correctly. Maybe I’m wrong – I’ve never been a 14-year-old boy, after all – but for the kids, it seems like it would actually be more fun to win with somebody than by yourself.

And no, they do not have to split the $30K grand prize.

Best Dressed: Brayden Kelley

I mean. He was wearing a bespoke camo suit-jacket with rockabilly-styled lapels. Is it really even a question?

Best Vest: Ansun Sujoe

I’d say that any competition in which you stand to win $30,000 merits your first-string wardrobe. I think Ansun would say so, too.

Best Name: Caribbean Sea’Era Adams

Caribbean is a word I’ve never run across as a name before, so I’m going to guess this contestant got her love of words from her parents.

Farthest Traveled: Michaela Shari Bostrom; Tokyo, Japan

Michaela didn’t make the finals, so you may have missed this story: she has lived in Japan her whole life, which means that she is probably a better speller than you in at least two languages.

Best Accent: Tajaun Gibbison

Tajaun, a polite eighth grader making his first appearance at the Bee, hails from Jamaica.

Best Sample Sentence

This year, the Scripps folks made a concerted effort to incorporate some more humorous sentences. E.g.: “Pampootie is as uncomfortable to say in public as it is to wear in public.” But the funniest of all was probably the sentence Dr. Jacques Bailly didn’t get to finish. While reading feijoada, which is some kind of Brazilian bean dish,  Bailly began reading “Tabitha discovered that her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,” and was summarily cut off. I am dying to know how that was possibly all going to come together.

Most Enthusiastic Speller: Jacob Williamson.

This kid squealed with glee when he got words right, and ran to the stage with the force of 10 Price Is Right contestants when he was announced as a finalist. It was fun to see a kid act like this was the most exciting moment of his life, because face it, it probably was. If you watched the Bee, you know that you really can’t categorize the spellers as one particular kind of kid. But if Central Casting had to come up with an enthusiastic Bee kid, Jacob would be it.

Best (Worst?) Peripeteia: Jacob Williamson, again.

Want to see the elation of victory turned, in a matter of seconds, into the agony of defeat? Yeah, me either – but I saw it anyway, when Jacob Williamson KNEW kabarogoya, until he … didn’t. My theory: he correctly remembered that it was an “easy one” – a word spelled almost phonetically – but, alas, forgot about that whole c/k thing.

Biggest Upset: Vanya Shivashankar

Vanya competed in the 2010, 2012, and 2013 finals. Her big sister, Kavya, was the 2009 champion. [For those of us who don’t think 2009 was that long ago: Kavya is off to college next year.] She appeared in almost every pre-recorded ESPN Bee promotion. The stars seemed to be aligned for Vanya to make the finals tonight – and possibly take home the big set of Merriam Websters- but it wasn’t to be. Blame it on the additional computerized tests.

Happiest Speller: Alia Abiad

She wasn’t over-the-top excited like Jacob, but wasn’t Alia just sunny? Abiad has only been spelling for a few years and advanced to 5th place last night.

Thing The Bee Maybe Needs To Work On: Makeup

Most of the kids looked great, but when they got to the interviews after being dinged out, some of the boys had telltale foundation lines around their necks. What worked under the harsh stage lights didn’t under the gentler interview lighting.

Worst Spoilers: The Scripps Twitter Feed

Am I the only one whose ESPN broadcast was about 25 seconds behind Twitter? Results were announced before the kid had even finished spelling.

Most Unnecessary ESPN Shot: The Bell

When a kid got dinged out, they used this weird camera angle where you were looking up at the bell ringer. It was almost like you WERE the bell. It was weird, and way too dramatic.

Most Composed: Kate Miller

What do you do when you are eliminated from a national competition? Probably give a really calm, collected interview in which you scrupulously avoid ending a sentence with a preposition, right? This is clearly a kid who knew when she was on camera.

Best Nails: Mary Horton

I kept wondering why I wanted to call Mary Horton “Mary Horton Mary Horton” until I realized I was thinking of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Anyway. Cute nails, right?

Saddest Moment: Realizing That Almost Every One Of These Kids Was Born In The New Millenium

There was one 15-year-old, but most eighth graders – the oldest kids eligible to compete – are 13 or 14. A child born in 1999 would have turned 14 before January 1, so most of them would be in 9th grade now. Yikes.

 

 

The Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries: Season 5

And we’re back in Capeside again! Well, technically not Capeside… you’ll see. For anyone that’s new to this series, I’ve been documenting my journey to good old Dawson’s Creek (which, BTW is so inaptly named, I’ll get to that in a second) for the past few months, recapping my thoughts as I watch it for the very first time as an adult (view Season 1, 2, 3, and 4 here!)

We ended with the gang graduating from high school, which for most teen dramas means an inevitable jumping of the metaphorical shark. Dawson’s going off to film school 3,000 miles away from home at USC, Joey (who has broken up with Pacey wahhh) is going to her dream college in Boston at an imaginary place called Worthington, BFFs/OTP Jack and Jen are also off to Boston to go to another fictional college called Boston Bay, and Pacey’s taking care of some rich guy’s boat by sailing around the Caribbean. Let’s see what happens when everyone leaves the Creek…

Episode 1

This episode starts off with a voice over that sounds vaguely familiar – and that’s bc it’s Ken Marino. I would tell you what he’s from but he’s been in so many things, so here’s his picture:

This also starts off with Joey – no sign of Dawson – and proves what I’ve been thinking for the past couple seasons: this show is a misnomer. It’s not Dawson’s Creek. It never has been. Unless they meant it to be like, from Joey’s perspective, it’s ‘Dawson’s Creek’. Whatever, it’s still stupid. Katie Holmes is the only person on the cast who has been in every single episode, so just look at the facts. Also I had no idea that they all went to Boston for college!? It’s giving me all the feels of when I was a freshman in Boston.

Anyways, Ken Marino (a professor) was actually reading one of Joey’s papers about that kiss she had with Dawson, and we’re led to believe that they kissed and they parted for college and nothing else ever happened. Perfect.

Enter busy Phillips. She’s deemed herself Jen’s BFF and I’m already loving seeing the beginning of their IRL friendship! Who doesn’t love a good best gal pal friendship?!

Dawson is actually in LA,  quietly achieving his life dream in the directors chair and it’s adorable. But there are so many people milling about on this lot, it’s as if there’s just a free for all at the studio. Not exactly how it happens IRL.

PACEY IS BACK FROM THE CARIBBEAN AND HAS A BOAT DOCKED IN BOSTON. BUT HE’S HIDING FROM EVERYONE BUT JEN WTF.

Jack, Jen, Joey, and new BFF Audrey (Busy Phillips) are at their first big college party AND OH LAWD this frat bro is legit wearing a puka shell necklace. And Chad Michael Murray what is your hair.  It is really 2001 all over again.

Dawson gets fired from his internship with a legit movie director because he decided to sass him and leaves LA to go to Boston and shows up at Joey’s door. Just when I thought the writers were making the right decision by not putting them together again. Ugh.

Episode 2

PACEY IS KISSING SOMEONE WHO IS NOT JOEY I’m not okay with it. Slash that person is Jennifer Morrison.

 Joey is dropping a class and has to wait in a line out the door. I never dropped a class in college because it was all online, but this is 2001. Times were tough back then.

With the help of Dougie, Pacey gets some gumption and gets a job at a restaurant. I’m super happy for him doing something with his life and all, but when is he going to show himself to everyone (read: Joey)? He can only hide for so long. Boston’s a big city, but it ain’t that big.

Well it looks like Dawson’s staying in Boston instead of going back to school in LA, mostly because of Joey. This is no bueno. Unrelatedly, was the general consensus on the last two seasons that it was cursed because now that they’re not in high school, it jumped the shark? Because I get that.

Episode 3

IT HAPPENED! Joey is at the restaurant that Pacey works at and sees him in the kitchen! Let the awkwardness ensue!

Meanwhile, Jack is pledging a frat and I fear that once they find out he’s gay they’re going to take hazing to a whole new level. However, I’ve been proven wrong…

Jack: I’m gay.

Blossom: You thought we didn’t know that?

Jack: Most people are surprised.

Blossom: Most people aren’t Sigma people. You’re sigma people, Jack. You’re one of us.

Jack: You mean, there’s other guys in the house that are gay?

Blossom: You’d be the first.

Jack: Most fraternities are not particularly well known for, you know, their tolerance towards alternative lifestyles.

Blossom: Which is precisely why we need you in this house, McPhee. Listen, Sigma Ep has a reputation for being one of the roughest, party-hearty, alpha male fraternities on campus, a reputation which is not entirely unfounded. The dean wants us to diversify. The dean gets what the dean wants, so, yes, Jack, we know you’re gay, and we want you in this house because you’re gay.

Question: how is this better than affirmative action??

Dawson is back in Capeside and spending some time with his family, particularly with his baby sister, and I have to admit him sitting with her in their front yard under an umbrella is equally hilarious and adorable.

It’s interesting watching this as an adult who has gone through the difficulty of figuring out independence and friendship in the first year of college. I always imagined high school would be like Saved by the Bell – and it wasn’t. I think if I watched this when it was originally on (and I was in high school), I would’ve thought their experience was exactly what college was like. But for me, it definitely was not. As an adult, I watch this season as more of a cynicist thinking, ‘That could never/never happened in college’, where as a teenager, I would have been like, ‘Whoa college is big and scary and filled with frat parties that I would never be invited to’. The first year of college is a day to day thing and you live your life looking at what’s in front of you. It wasn’t a “big picture” thing that the movies and TV portray it as.

Attention: Joey and Pacey finally faced each other and it was actually cute and I hope that they stay friends… for now.

Ok so this is a spoiler I knew was coming: Mitch gets into a car accident. But I did NOT know it’s because he tried to get a scoop of ice cream that he dropped on the floor. DA FAQ just happened. Although maybe he was drunk, because ice cream is his drunk food? No? Just the ice cream? Embarrassing way to go out, man.

Notable Quote: “I don’t know, I could use the snuggles.” Jen, explaining to Joey and Audrey why she’s leaving for a booty call with CMM.

Episode 4

Mitch is officially dead, and I like that they subtly confirm that by showing the “closed for death in the family” sign on the door of their restaurant, because TBH, I don’t need to see an entire episode of Mitch on his death bed. Also, is there really not a better way to get Dawson back to Capeside than having his father killed? I guess dropping out of school wasn’t enough.

Pacey just gave his approval for Dawson and Joey to get back together again, because apparently being at sea has helped him find himself and become a better person.

Pacey: Why on earth would Dawson Leery, of all people, want to drop out of film school? (Looks over at Joey and then knows.) Oh. I get it. It’s ok. You can tell me, Jo. I’m not gonna get upset. 

Joey Oh, Pace, I didn’t ask him to, if that’s what you mean. 

Pacey: Look. If anybody understands the various shades of gray here, it’s me, and I think it’s time the two of you got your shot… because the way I see it, you never did, and this world could use as many Romeo and Juliet’s as it can get. 

Joey: Look what happened to them. 

Oh man. Pacey takes Dawson to the crash site to help him realize that it’s not his fault his dad died, and yet again, Pacey Witter proves he is the greatest human #PaceyWitterDreamMan.

Episode 5

I find it comical that Ken Marino has been cast as the hot Englishg teacher when all I picture is him like this:

Jen’s all hooking up with CMM, and it’s to the point where she seems him out at a restaurant with some girl after he told Jen he was working. Pacey attempts to stop Jen from going in there and ripping out his beautiful head of hair and hilarity ensues #PaceyWitterDreamMan

DAWSON – I know it’s really hard, but you need to get a grip and deal with your father’s death. Avoiding it like the plague is not going to help anyone.

Episode 6

Is Pacey’s restaurant the only fancy restaurant they’re allowed to go to on this show, because it really feels that way with the amount of scenes they do here.

In my head, 2001 doesn’t seem that long ago, but please look at Dawson’s caller ID on his Motorola phone:

Why does CMM always play a douche guy? And why does he have a lizard in his room? Is Jen going to become a lesbian? I have a lot of burning questions.

One of those was answered because instead of Jen becoming a lesbian, she tricks CMM to think she’s down for a threesome with his side chick and instead both of them drop him. Again, Jen tricks CMM into a faux threesome. This show.

Yikes, guys. Dawson is drunk this is not going to end weelll. He actually said, ‘Have no fear, Dawson is here.’ He’s the kind of drunk that tells the truth when he’s inebriated so basically he just blamed Joey for his dad dying. sigh.

Episode 7

Dawson finally gets professional help to deal with his dad’s death and this is the therapist he goes to:

Recognize her yet? Time’s up. This is the therapist in 2014:

Episode 8

Well thanks DC writers for perpetualizing the stereotype that frat boys’ main goal is to get laid. Because that’s literally what they’re told to do – bring girls to a party so the brothers can hook up with them, and Jack decides to bring Joey and Audrey. I think it was scenes like this that made me think frats in college were the worst.

PS: Pacey slept with this girl Karen that he works with but honestly she needs to GTFO because she’s playing him like an instrument that you play a lot. And no one messes with our boy.

Speaking of sleeping with people, Dawson takes Jen up to New Hampshire because he won a film contest for the movie he made about his elderly friend Mr. Brooks who died last season. And apparently Dawson and Jen took the state motto, ‘Live free or Die’ to heart because they are into each other again and guess what – Jen gets it in with virgin Dawson! AND she’s wearing these pajamas!

Annnddd they’re dating now. Great.

Notable Quotes: Some guy talking to Dawson at the film festival: “I go to school in Boston. This really weird visual arts place full of freaks and misfits.” – literally sounds like where I went to school.

Episode 9

Ah here’s the annual Halloween episode. Joey, Pacey & Jack are telling scary stories that actually happened to them, and Joey’s is that she was stuck in the school library late at night with a creepy guy and another creepy guy who is Detective Wilden from Pretty Little Liars, so I automatically think he’s sketchy.

In full disclosure I fell asleep and decided not to rewind it.

Episode 10

Guys, turns out I really like Busy Phillips/her character, even after I decided I wasn’t going to like her because of who she ends up dating (hint hint). In the end, she was the right voice to come into the show as they entered a new season – kinda like how Gretchen was the right person to bring in last season. Right character, the right time.

This entire back and forth Pacey and Jack have about Dawson possibility losing his virginity to Jen is fantastic and honestly the best thing that’s happened this season.

For a couple that’s broken up then got back together than broke up and then got back together then broke up, this confrontation between Dawson and Joey re: sleeping with Jen is… WOOF.

Dawson: Joey, it hurts to be around you. When I see you, even from across the room, it brings up a thousand memories. Not just of us, but of my entire life before. It’s like I’m frozen in this place that I can’t bear to be. I care about you so much. As long as I can remember, everything’s always come back to you. I mean, even no matter what was happening between us. Even the thought of you is at least a constant comfort, but… I can’t go back. It just hurts.

Fashion note: I love that Pacey is suddenly Top Chef wearing an apron – and I just noticed he’s stopped wearing those hideous Hawaiian t-shirts. It’s like he was preparing for his voyage to the Caribbean for 4 seasons.

Episode 11

Joey is checking her grades on a board that was printed in computer paper. DO KIDS THESE DAYS EVEN REMEMBER COMPUTER PAPER??

Okay, so maybe I ship Pacey and Joey as friends too because them high giving over his promotion slash her grades is the cutest. Maybe I just really ship Pacey. Have I expressed that feeling yet? #PaceyWitterDreamMan

When is CMM leaving Boston for One Tree Hill, this is absurd. I’m over him. And his ridiculous helmet.

SOMETHING I DID NOT SEE COMING: On My Own reprise!! Well kind of. Joey gets the balls to sing for CMM’s band at this club where all the college kids hang out, and instead of a Broadway song, it’s Blondie. Although it’s less embarrassing than the first time I still can’t help but watch through my fingers. Partly because she started singing with her musical theatre voice and it was weird, but hey, at least she got up there and did it.

Notable Quote: “Right there in the bursar’s office on the formica. It was wild, passionate, hot, animalistic sex.” – Joey, being her usual sarcastic self about hooking up with Professor Ken Marino

Episode 13

Dawson finally decides to go back to film school (in Boston), and as a ‘Back to School’ present, Jen gets Dawson an ET Trapper Keeper and it’s actually super cute. That is the only good thing about this relationship so far. The nostalgic school supplies.

Joey is torn between two lovers – this kid Elliott, a peer and someone her own age who is really into her, and Professor Ken Marino. Joey decides to ditch a date with Elliott in order to go to an academic thing at Prof Ken’s house, and she ends up kissing him. But again, all I can see is Ken Marino. It’s so weird. When she gets back to her dorm, she finds a get well soon basket from Elliott, because she told him she was sick in order to get out of said date. And he made her a card out of construction paper. Look who’s making poor choices again – it’s Josephine Potter.

Notable Quotes: “If that’s what the people want, if they want me to be nasty and sarcastic, I can do that. I just need something that’s gonna take me there. Pacey, say something disgusting.” – Jen

“Sure, would you prefer sexist or just downright vulgar?” – Pacey

Episode 15

DC fans: this is the infamous robbery episode, so brace yourselves. Everyone else – thanks for reading this far but good GOD get ready for an effed up episode (which you can view in its entire below).

I figure this is a ‘Very special episode of Dawson’s Creek because of the different opening credits – it looks like the beginning of a Disney Channel Original Movie.

The episode starts out in Downtown Crossing, which, when I lived blocks away from there, was a bustling area. Even if it’s midnight. Joey is walking by herself at a leisurely pace, staring at stars in the sky. I take this as a bad sign already because no one in Boston does this unless you’re a tourist. Walking is for getting from Point A to Point B. Also, it appears that no one else is around at this time of night – but she said she was taking the subway, and if the subway’s still open, it means there should be people around, but conveniently, there is not a soul in sight.

A man spots Joey going to an ATM vestibule and follows her. Instead of straight up mugging her, he decides to talk to her and tell her he’s not going to rob her. Then asks for money. She says no, but he keeps pushing. Joey being, well, Joey, insists she doesn’t have any and he’s all ‘Bitch I saw you come out of the bank’ (not verbatim). She tries to walk away and he pulls out a gun.

Joey is spending waaayyyy too much time chatting with him. She told him her real name AND the school she goes too NO TIME TO BE SASSY RN JO. THIS SCENE IS LASTING WAY TOO LONG. WHY ARE THEY SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER AND WHY ARE THERE NO OTHER PEOPLE AROUND THIS IS THE WORST. NOW SHE’S GIVING HIM DATING ADVICE?? ” I can’t believe I’m even participating in this conversation,” says Joey. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE PARTICIPATING IN THIS CONVERSATION EITHER.

He takes her back to the bank so she can take out money but the  two are still chattering on as if they have all the time in the world. The mugger takes note of Joey’s “nice” coat and refuses to give it to him, but he’s all ‘It wasn’t really a question’ and the camera pans to the gun in the waist of his pants. Not really necessary to keep showing the gun, but okay. He takes the money from her savings ($500) and her coat, and walks away, hopefully never to be seen again.

I just found out that the version on YouTube is different from the one on Netflix, which means unless you want to watch this ep on Netflix, you won’t be able to hear this absolutely ridiculous song that includes the lyrics, “Alone again, as I often am/Candles burn, slowly at both ends/Who am I, why am I here/Can I learn to overcome this fear”. And then this happens:

I’M SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT? THE MUGGER STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET TO WAVE AT WHO HE JUST MUGGED AND THEN GOT HIT BY A CAR?? I have seen a lot A LOT of TV programming and this is hands down one of the worst scenes I’ve ever seen in my life.

In one of the more frightening scenes of this entire series, Joey goes to get her coat and money back from the seemingly dead body in the middle of the street, but HE WAKES UP and won’t let her call 911 for help, despite the fact he’s bleeding profusely.

He throws her cell phone and he threatens to shoot her, but bitch still refuses. Turns out the gun wasn’t loaded the whole time, but still. If someone has a gun on you, don’t argue with them and make them angrier. I mean she literally says, ‘If you want to shoot me, go right ahead.’ HELLO?? DID PEOPLE STILL WATCH THIS SHOW AFTER THIS EPISODE??

It’s a hit and run and Joey decides to stay with him until the ambulance gets there. The mugger guy is lit’rally on the ground, bleeding, but still wants a cigarette. He can’t light it himself because HE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR AND IS INJURED so Joey helps him light it. What even. But then she goes to the hospital to make sure he’s okay… THIS EP SHOULD BE RETITLED JOEY: GO HOME.

At the hospital, Joey finds a little girl who I’m convinced is a little girl ghost, because frankly anything could happen at this point. She’s a real girl, whose mother asks Joey to look after her because she needs to look for her husband – who got hit by a car. Yeah, that husband is her mugger who’s currently bleeding to death on an operating table. They put the pieces together and his wife apologizes and gets the hell out of there.

I think it’s a sign that if the wife can’t even stand by her man, you shouldn’t either, right? Nope. The mugger is awake and requests to see Joey, and they talk even more like can you guys just stop? Did the writers run out of ideas? Why is there an entire episode dedicated to this?

Oh, he dies.

Real talk: was this episode part of a theme week on WB? Like Green Week on NBC? Was it Be Aware Of Your Surroundings Week? Don’t Act Like a GD Idiot Day?

Episode 16

In the middle of everyone taking care of Joey and making sure she’s okay every minute of the day, Pacey and Audrey had sex, and they’re in a weird middle ground where Audrey doesn’t want to continue because of the Joey factor. Relatedly, Pacey has now adopted a Shaft look in lieu of his I work at Trader Joe’s look, and I honestly don’t know what’s worse.

Jack and Pacey’s friendship has always been sweet, and Pacey unknowingly goes to a gay bar with Jack and it is the actual cutest. Not to mention guys are hitting on Pacey and he’s just letting it happen. #PaceyWitterDreamMan

Notable Quotes: “Pacey, you’re not gay.” – Jack “Well I know that and you know that and as far as he’s concerned you’re my boyfriend!” – Pacey

Episode 17

There’s a shot of Flutie Flakes – does anyone outside of Western New York/New England remember Flutie Flakes, the cereal named after beloved football player Doug Flutie?

Honestly why is CMM still on this show? Now he’s chasing after Joey romantically and hoping to recruit her for his band. She agrees to fill in as the lead singer, but I find it hard to believe Joey would just agree to do it. Also they’re (the writers) are so trying to sexualize her and it just isn’t working we know her as the girl next door – which isn’t to say she shouldn’t have a sexy side but throughout this entire season even she’s wearing makeup and it’s WEIRD.

Also weird: Pacey and Audrey blatantly want to check in to this sketchy motel to have sex and Joey is forced to stay with them. I’M JUST NOT OVER PACEY & JOEY, OKAY.

Episode 18

There was legit a side swipe cut into another scene. Did someone edit this on windows movie maker?! What is happening to this program?

Forgot to mention Jen broke up with Dawson in the last episode. Nobody cares because nobody cared about that relationship in the first place.

Wait the real episode credits just flashed on the screen that was showing Dawson’s movie it was so meta and weird and The Simpsons-esque do not like. PS: Dawson has a movie.

Notable Quotes: “Can I say something? My Grams is dating a 65-year-old African American man named Clifton Smalls.” – Jen, telling it like it is.

Episode 19

Ok so the only image I had of busy Phillips on DC prior to this marathon was a random vision of her sitting outside a white beach house on spring break. Literally that is one picture I’ve had in my head for all these years and apparently it’s from this episode.

Really didn’t know CMM was on dc for this long. He really took over WB/CW back in the day, didn’t he?

Pacey is back in his natural habitat (Hawaiian shirts)

Wait who is this random YM featured girl duo featured at the MTV Spring break special on the beach – it’s M2M, who I know better as the girls who sang the song from the Pokemon soundtrack.

Oh a baby Hilarie Burton reppin MTV! Getting hit on by her future OTH co star CMM. Remember when she was literally picked off the street during TRL and now she’s like a legit actress who has a baby w Denny from Grey’s? Some gals have all the luck.

I’m still not convinced Joey completely wants Pacey to fall in love with Audrey it’s still too weird. They’re giving each other relationship advice, and there’s still so much flirting and chemistry that it’s hard to believe otherwise.

Meanwhile Dawson is still daydreaming about a relationship with Joey and has a weird flashback of their time together that’s in sepia tone, but the montage was like it wasn’t even finished. This show is in shambles.

Speaking of shambles – Jack just drunkenly jumped from the roof into the pool & Dawson shows up and has the swim in and save him. The fuck.

Of course Dawson is there to win Joey back, and Pacey is straight up like yo Dawson I’m over this Joey shit. Give it up.


It ends with Dawson barefoot on the beach looking pensive and it’s straight out of Sandcastles in the Sand. Get a grip Simon.

Episode 20

There is literally a scrunchie on the doorknob of Joey & Audrey’s dorm room and I literally said EW out loud when they panned to Joey and CMM in bed. GTFO AND GO TO ONE TREE HILL.

ANNA NARDINI. ARE YOU HERE TO RUIN THE SHOW WITH A SURPRISE DAUGHTER TOO.

YUP ANNA NARDINI IS HERE TO RUIN THE SHOW BY SEXUALLY HARASSING PACEY AND KISSING HIM UNWILLINGLY.

Did I mention she’s his new boss? She’s his new boss. And she’s trouble.

Notable Quotes: “Could he be any cuter?” – Audrey “No, but he could be more in tune.” – Joey, on CMM serenading him outside her window.

Episode 21

Sherilyn Fenn is probably a nice human, but she should stop picking roles that make her look like a homewrecker. She continues hitting on Pacey, even goes to his apartment and Audrey walks in on Alex (Dumb homewrecker Sherilyn Fenn) trying to kiss Pacey. Understandably, Audrey leaves in a fit of rage, and when talking do her does work, Pacey goes back to his apartment to sleep with Alex. PACEY WITTER.You’re better than this!

Episode 22

Pacey leads the employees to oust crazy Alex from her dictator-like position at the restaurant, and it works. But then Pacey gets into a car with her and her inner crazy comes out. She basically almost kills both of them. What is happening.

Episode 23

I’m, like, over this. These are the loose ends that need tying up at the end of the season: Grams may or may not get married in Vegas to Clifton Smalls; Jack stayed in Boston to help his gay frat brother; Jen’s off to try repair her relationship with her parents in New York; Audrey and Pacey embark on a road trip to her home in LA; Dawson is being forced to go to LA and Joey is most likely going to Paris with no clothes or luggage.

Meanwhile, the summer after my freshman year of college I went home and worked at the local amusement park where I sat in a hot ticket box and put wristbands on sweaty Rochesterians. Essentially the same thing.

So, folks, one season left, and frankly, I hope it’s better than this one because I lost interest way too many times during this fifth season. Will Joey actually go to Paris? Are Audrey and Pacey still together after their epic road trip? Is Grams marrying Clifton Smalls? Most importantly, WILL I STILL CARE ABOUT ANY OF THIS IN SEASON SIX? Tune in next month for the final chapter of the Dawson’s Creek Virgin Diaries…

Meet Speller 115: Inside The Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘Spellebrity’ Amber Born

For some, Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer; for others, the unofficial start of Bee Week. Yes, the Scripps National Spelling Bee is here again, or as I affectionately call it, Nerd Superbowl.

In case you’ve missed it, I love the Bee. Judging by the response to coverage on ESPN and NPR, and the popularity of Akeelah and the Bee, Bee Season, and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, I’m not the only one. I mean, for two days a major sports network is taken over by a celebration of words, languages, tenacity, and …. middle schoolers. Lots and lots of middle schoolers.

The kids are by far the best part of the Bee. They’ve already figured out the trick that many of the coolest adults take decades to discover: how to find a field that interests them, apply themselves – without apology – to becoming the best, and find other people who share their interests. While I have a lot of admiration for any kid who can work so hard and retain so much information, last year we especially loved Amber Born. In case you’ve forgotten, she was the teenaged comedy fan who brought a little levity to the proceedings and proved that smart doesn’t have to mean serious.

Needless to say, we are elated to present a post from Amber herself. Ever wanted to know what it’s really like to compete at the Bee? Or what the 2013 contestants thought of that weird Matilda: The Musical promotional tie-in? She has your answers right here!

Amber, spelling a word that you can’t spell. I mean, probably.


 

Hi! My name is Amber Born. You may know me from my famous Twitter account (I recently hit 13 followers), but maybe it’s more likely that you saw me on ESPN last year, when I was in the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Anyway, I think ESPN doesn’t necessarily do a good job of portraying how the National Spelling Bee looks to spellers on the inside, so I figured I’d answer some of the more frequently asked questions that people have asked me about the spelling bee.

But you’re normal! I thought spellers were all nerdy and socially awkward losers who do nothing but spell?

My answer: Okay, some of us (who shall remain nameless) are. But in general, spellers are pretty normal people who just happen to be devoting a zillion hours of their lives to learning to spell the names of African antelopes and German philosophies. Seriously, though, if you look at the biographies of the spellers on the Bee website, you’ll see that the interests range from sports to art to comedy writing.

Did you see this thing online media where they made fun of the Bee and all the spellers?

My answer: Probably. I would like to say that pretty much every single speller looks themselves up online during or after the Bee is over, so it would be nice if the internet could keep its crueler comments about the spellers to itself (that applies to a lot of things, actually). Spellers work really hard, and you know nothing about them in real life, so you should just shut up. Just so you know, I’m not talking about Cookies + Sangria or the blogs that treat spellers like the awesome spellebrities that they generally are. I’m referring to the weird people who make racist and/or anti-nerd jokes and have no conscience about the fact that they’re dissing twelve year olds online, which is pretty much the stupidest thing you could do, along with putting paper clips in electrical outlets and thinking The Colbert Report is serious. Anyway, my point is this: spellers are cool. They have friends. They may be nerds, but they also have a lot of other stuff going on.

Is everyone really competitive? Are you happy when people get eliminated?

My answer: Anyone who asks this hasn’t watched the Bee for more than two minutes, because if they had, they’d note that every time a kid gets a word right, they are met with a dozen high-fives (or less, if they’re far into the finals) as they make their way back to their seat. Almost all of the finalists get standing ovations upon elimination, though the first few sometimes don’t because everyone is too stunned at the elimination to stand up. Sure, people are competitive, but they aren’t trying to bring everyone else down, as far as I know. The Bee encourages friendship; everyone gets an autograph book when they get to National Harbor (where the Bee takes place), and it has pictures and information on everyone, so you can go up to someone, ask for their autograph, and leave two minutes later with a friend. There’s a barbecue the day before the actual spelling starts, and it’s a great time for everyone to hang out and meet like-minded people. If there’s any animosity at the barbecue, it’s because the snow cones ran out. Everyone is really supportive leading up to the finals and semifinals, because, regardless of how well you did, there’s always someone who made it farther (unless you win), and someone else who placed lower. In the 2013 Bee, ESPN made the somewhat strange decision to periodically run a clip involving Matilda the Musical that made the Bee seem very competitive and scary. Thankfully, the sound on stage is terrible, so none of the spellers could actually hear the video until they were offstage.

Do you just ask questions about the words just to show off? Does it help you at all?

My answer: Yes, it does help. Please Google “linguistics.”

What word did you get out on?

My answer: For me personally, it was “hallali” in 2013, but the vast majority of people aren’t eliminated on a single word; they don’t advance because they made too many mistakes on a computerized test. So if you’re a speller that got eliminated on the computer test, just pick the most esoteric word and tell everyone that it’s what you got out on.

So do you never spell anything wrong now? Does it bother you when other people misspell?

My answer: Yeah, mispellings bothur me.

 

Best Of: So You Think You Can Dance Group Routines

Summer TV is usually nonexistent, with a lot of crappy shows and reality TV programs filling in for the good shows while they go on hiatus for a few months. But my absolute favorite summer show is So You Think You Can Dance. Now in its 11th (!!) season, SYTYCD has been the sole series bringing dance to the forefront over the past few years. The alumni have gone on to work for pop stars like Lady Gaga and Madonna, starring in movies like Step Up and Fame, and in general, just getting more recognition than ever before.

And while the entire competition is about finding the best male and female dancers in the country, like a lot of things in life, you improve when you build, connect and create with others. Every year there are exceptionally talented dancers who make it to the top 10, and their talent is ever apparent when they perform together.

So after a painstaking process of narrowing down my favorite numbers, these are the best (IMO) group routines over the past 10 seasons. You can catch new ones when SYTYCD returns on Wednesday!!!

Note: These are in chronological order, not ranked, only because I lit’rally wouldn’t be able to pick absolute favorites. I need help.

Season 2

Top 10

Choreographer: Wade Robson ♦ Song: Ramalama (Bang Bang) by Roisin Murphy

If you’ve been a fan from the start (or season 2, because that’s when I like to believe it really started), you know Ramalama is one of the iconic SYTYCD dances ever. This creepy zombie-like routine was choreographed by Wade Robson, who teenyboppers from the late 90s/00s know was the choreographer to both ‘N Sync and Britney Spears – and the rumored guy Brit cheated on from Justin. Yeah, that whole Cry Me A River song? It’s to do with Wade. Allegedly. Anyways, forget that and just watch this haunting routine instead.

Top 6

Choreographer: Mia Michaels ♦ Song: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

Mia Michaels became the standout choreographer on the series from the start, creating memorable dances such as this one, and other duets, including the famous ‘Bench Dance’. While she had already long been a fixture in the dance world, she became known to the TV audience as an incredibly talented, unforgettable, challenging choreographer.

Top 4

Choreographer: Wade Robson ♦ Song: SexyBack by Justin Timberlake

Hey, remember what I said about JT and Wade? Here’s Wade using JT’s then-new single for the final four group dance!

Season 3

Top 10

Choreographer: Mia Michaels ♦ Song: The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap

I accidentally chose a lot of Mia Michaels dances. Oops. I remember this dance giving me chills the first time I watched it, and it still does to this day.

Season 4

Top 4

Choreographer: Mia Michaels ♦ Song: Hallelujah by The Vitamin String Quartet

Is it weird that I really enjoy when they yell ‘HUH’ in the middle of the dance? Again, Mia is known for pushing her dancers with extremely difficult moves. In this final four routine, it’s hard to believe that the two guys, tWitch and Josh (who went onto win) came in as hip hop dancers.

Season 5

Top 8 + Judges

Choreographer: Mia Michaels ♦ Song: One from A Chorus Line

I swear, I really didn’t mean to put this many Mia dances on the list. In my defense, there’s a reason why she’s been nominated for so many Emmys. But can we just talk about the judges getting to dance in the finale? I just need more dancing Adam Shankman in my life, is that so much to ask?

Season 6

Top 20

Choreographer: Amanda and Wade Robson ♦ Song: Comanche by The Revels

Ah, season 6. The ‘lost season’. Like previously mentioned, SYTYCD airs in the summer, but for some reason, Fox execs decided to immediately air season 6 in the fall, directly after season 5 wrapped in the summer. I think because of this, many fans who would usually tune in, didn’t because their other programs were on and took precedence. And it’s frankly a shame because there were a lot of great dancers this season, including some of my all-time faves like Kathryn, Ellenore and Jakob. This particular dance is definitely in my top five.

Season 7

Top 11 + All-Stars

Choreographer: Wade Robson ♦ Song: Fame by David Bowie

Season 7 brought the introduction of the All-Stars, which saw the return of standout alumni from the past 6 seasons. It was a brilliant addition to the show, and the very first show after the auditions was an introduction to the top 11, with this as the opening number. As a total SYTYCD geek, and definitely fangirled seeing some of the best former contestants from over the years dancing with the newbies. I may have kept this episode on my DVR for like 2 years just to watch this routine over and over again. Yes, I realize now I could have just been watching it on YouTube the entire time.

Top 8

Choreographer: Mia Michaels ♦ Song: Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by Sting

This is about Alice in Wonderland. A concept that’s not as murky.

Season 8

Top 10 Guys

Choreographer: Christopher Scott ♦ Song: Velocity by Nathan Lanier

As the seasons go on, I feel like the group numbers get bigger and props are involved more than ever. This one involves doors, so you know it’s going to be good.

Top 8

Choreographer: Tyce Diorio ♦ Song: The Circus Sets Up from Water for Elephants soundtrack

To continue with the props, this one is like a full out stage production of Pippin or something. That being said, it’s still absolutely stunning to look at.

Season 9

Top 20

Choreographer: Christopher Scott & Sonya Tayeh ♦ Song: Torn by Nathan Lanier

I love when choreographers get together – and I love it even more when they’re two of my favorites. Christopher Scott and everyone’s favorite contemporary weirdo Sonya Tayeh collaborated on this epic dance where the only prop is… air. With Christopher Scott’s eye for cinematic storytelling and Sonya’s eccentric and distinguishable dance moves, this routine is one of the most impressive and memorable from the entire series.

Top 10 Girls

Choreographer: Travis Wall ♦ Song: Where the Light Gets In by Sennen

Travis! SYTYCD fans know that Travis is like the golden child of the series. He was a runner-up in season 2, then went on to make his choreographer debut in season 5, and soon became a favorite amongst not only the fans but the judges as well. His fluid choreography and emotional storytelling is almost like the second coming of Mia Michaels. Just not as intense.

Cyrus Spencer, All-Stars Comfort Fedoke, Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, Choreographer Christopher Scott

Choreographer: Christopher Scott & Sonya Tayeh ♦ Song: Holy Ghost (Helicopter Showdown and Sluggo Remix) by Messinian

When a contestant is paired up with an all-star, that’s stressful enough – but to be put with two AND the choreographer, it must be daunting. But Cyrus, who was the runner-up this season showed no signs of intimidation in this number.

Season 10

Curtis Holland, Alexis Juliano, Aaron Turner

Choreographer: Anthony Morigerato ♦ Song: You Really Did It (Live) by Jason Mraz

When I used to dance, tap was my jam. It has a special place in my heart and always will. So when this trio – of three tappers in the top 10! – did this routine, I’m pretty sure I cried a little because it was so good and I was just happy to see tap so well represented on the show for once.

Top 10 Guys

Choreographer: Christopher Scott ♦ Song: Sand by Nathan Lanier featuring Karen Whipple

This number involves sand. Like actual sand. As a prop.

Top 20

Choreographer: Tabitha and Napoleon D’Umo ♦ Song: Puttin’ on the Ritz by Herb Alpert featuring Lani Hall

You know those lip dubs that was the cool thing to do like two years ago? This dance is like that but just with dancing.

Top 10

Choreographer: Christopher Scott ♦ Song: The Gravel Road from The Village

So there were a lot of great group dances last season, so what? Christopher Scott killed it again with this routine by incorporating rocking chairs, but also using that motion in the moves as well. Meanwhile, I can barely choreograph my own daily life so I’m feeling super accomplished.

Honorable Mentions

Season 5: Top 20 Hip-Hop/Salsa; Season 7: Ashley, Robert, AdeChike, All-Stars Courtney and Neil Contemporary and All-Stars Contemporary; Season 9: Top 20 Modern and Top 14 Contemporary; Season 10: Top 6 Girls Contemporary

Gigantic Old-Fashioned Wool Bathing Suits For Every Body

Memorial Day is here, and Memorial Day means the beginning of summer*! And summer means bathing suits! And bathing suits mean bathing suit shopping, and bathing suit shopping means falling further and further into despair as a cheerful shopping attendant tries to bring you ill-fitting bikinis, ending up like a real-life version of a late-80s Cathy comic. ACKKKK!!!

It doesn’t have to be like this. Once upon a time, swimwear experienced a golden age, when toned abs and cellulitic thighs alike were covered by thick woolen fabric. I’m talking about the 1860s through the 1920s, the bathing suit’s zenith.

So, like so many fashion magazines, we thought we would help you find a bathing suit. Nay, not just any bathing suit, the absolute perfect old-timey bathing suit for your body type. Spoiler: it probably weights over 5 pounds and comes with a superfluous belt.

* Also technically, solemn reflection for those who have gone before us. But mostly barbeques! [Source: my Facebook feed]

Apple Shaped

The real challenge for the apple-shaped woman is choosing between a two-piece (which is going to expose your midsection), or dealing with clingy Lycra and spandex adhering to your belly. However, in the 1880s you could let it all hang out (and then immediately cover all of it with wool). For ladies who carry their weight in their (neatly corseted) midsection, these full, proud pantaloons lead the eye down and balance your proportions. Bonus: the giant legs makes your feet look like Barbie feet tacked onto a My Buddy doll.

Pear Shaped

In the present day, ladies with serious hip-thigh situations spend a lot of time looking for bathing suit bottoms that actually cover their entire butt. In 1864, these styles from Godey’s Lady’s Book had your ass covered! As well as your knees, calves, and forearms. Note the shape of these swim costumes, which flare out… shall we say generously? from the waist. Today’s fashion is all about trying to camouflage your derriere, but this is a suit that says “oh, these hips are on purpose.”

Petite

Hey there, little lady! What better way to take advantage of your petite proportions than dressing like an actual pixie? You know everyone’s thinking it, anyway. Note the zig-zag hem on the far left, a style that says “I made this outfit out of a flower petal.” The style is complemented by criss-cross lace-up shoes, telling everyone on the beach “yeah, I could be a ballerina with this petite body shape and delicate swim dress.” The sassy turban at far right indicates “I’m Bohemian! But I mean, Bohemian in the “La Boheme” sense. I might have consumption. But look how petite!” Carrying a blanket around, like our friend in the “maillot” style,  reminds other beach-goers that you are very tiny and cold.

Hourglass

With its kicky sailor collar, sodden wool skirt, and improbably small waist, the only way this suit could better enhance your hourglass figure is if your bosom gradually filled with sand if somebody tipped you over.

Athletic

 

You’ve worked hard at the gym. You run, you lift, and summer time is the big payoff. So leave the pantaloons at home, because you have toned your way into this formfitting tank dress. In case people couldn’t tell that you work out by your awesome quads and triceps, you can steal a robe from an actual prizefighter to let them know you’ve been putting in your hours at the gymnasium.

If you’re prepared to rock this style, you will be showing a LOT of skin – so don’t let it get all burned and gross. Sport a straw witches’ hat with a four-foot brim to keep away unwanted sunbeams and attention. If you look this good, you gotta ward off those crowds somehow.

Full-Figured

This demure nautical romper will cover up everything you want covered, and even some things you probably don’t.

ICYMI: Shailene Woodley Creatures

Shailene Woodley, former American Teenager, is a great actress, but let’s be honest – her crunchy granola hippie ways are a tad odd…

What’s In Shailene Woodley’s Bag?

According to Shailene Woodley, Shailene Woodley is a clay-eating, toothpaste-making, showtune-in-the-morning singing not-feminist who says “Gaia” non-ironically and gathers spring water from a mountain brook. She’s also, like, a little bit homeless. Does this surprise anyone?

Woodley’s not homeless in the “not having a home” sense: she owns one, but her grandma lives there. She’s more homeless in the “sleeping on my friends’ sofas, clogging the sink drain with lumps of clay, smelling like those salt crystal sticks that, no, do NOT work just as well as deodorant, thank you very much” sense. Well, let’s let Shailene explain it, actually:

Let’s inventory Shailene Woodley’s bag. On Kimmel she lists the following items: (1) computer; (1) hoodie situation; (1) pair jeans; (some) basic tees and tanks; (1) temporary cell phone because the studio got annoyed that she kept disappearing into the wilderness to worship the moon goddess; and (indeterminate) leggings.

Okay, let’s all picture all of those items. They’d totally fit into an airplane-standard carry-on, I think we can all agree. But that can’t be it, right? Based on my research, here are some other things that Shailene Woodley owns:

  • Vibram Five-Finger Shoes: Those creepy glove-shoes that seem like they were invented by the guy who has the patent on those little round blister band-aids, in order to drum up business.


Magical fairy with a bag like Mary Poppins or not, Shai is still a good actresses who’s managed to be in not one but two super successful YA book film adaptations over the past year. Here are some more of our favorites from the genre.

YA Book-To-Film Adaptations: 2013-2014 Edition

It’s no secret that we like a good Young Adult novel. Whatever –  we’re functioning, erudite adults who like books written for the 12-17 year old age bracket. It looks like we’re not the only ones, because there are a whole bunch of YA books being made into movies this year.

Here are a few of the films we’re most excited about. We’re including the release date – so you know how long you have to read the book. We’re also letting you know whether you should make an effort to read the book first, or if you if  can just skip it or pencil it in at your leisure. Our final category is the  Predicted Potter effect. See, most Harry Potter fans agree that the books by JK Rowling are the One True Harry Potter Series – but I love the movies, too. The filmmakers included just enough of the plot and captured the visuals of the books so well that the movies – by themselves, not in comparison to the book – are excellent. So, the Predicted Potter Effect is, on a 1-10 scale, how well the movie will work as a stand-alone piece.

Catching Fire

Release Date: November 22, 2013

Should I read the book first? Maybe. If you saw the first Hunger Games movie but didn’t read the book, then I wouldn’t skip the first book and jump into the second. Just go to the movie and catch up on the books later. If you have already read the first book and somehow didn’t finish the whole series within the course of a week, then you’ll probably want to read the second before seeing the movie.

Predicted Potter Effect: 8. I know people who saw the first movie without reading the book and they still enjoyed it, so I suppose this can hold up by itself. But, I also heard stupid confused comments in the movie theater from people who clearly hadn’t read the book — so, I think some of the narrative is a little clearer if you’ve read the book.

The Book Thief

Release Date: November 22, 2013

Should I read the book first? Probably – although, maybe this is one where the movie is better if you aren’t comparing it to the book, meaning that you could save the book for later. Either way, it’s worth reading.  I’m not sure how the narrative device will work in film — the book is narrated by death. The story follows Liesel, a foster child living in the outskirts of Munich during World War II. This is one of those books that’s for whatever reason labelled as Young Adult, but I can think of plenty of novels that are categorized as regular adult fiction with a young protagonist and straightforward narration. It’s a respectable grown-up read, too.

Predicted Potter Effect: 7. From what I’ve seen of the trailers, I expect the tone of the book to come across, although I am interested in seeing how the narration will work. The plot is so full that it will make a great stand-alone movie, but it will probably suffer a little in comparison to the book. This may just be me, but I find that books that have a large scope – lasting several years – feel a lot more compressed on film.

Divergent

Release Date: April 21, 2014

Should I read the book first? Probably – meaning, I probably should read it too. It’s been on my to-read-list but I’ve sort of had Teen Dystopian Universe fatigue.

Predicted Potter Effect: 7. Judging by the synopsis, a lot of the story rests on Tris’s inner life — her knowledge that she’s Divergent and decision about which faction to join. Obviously, that’s not so easy to convey on film. But, this sounds like a solid sci-fi/action film, so if you’re into those genres you might be okay without so much emphasis on the character’s feelings. Also, Shailene Woodley is such a solid actress that I think she’ll be able to show-not-tell the character’s conflict (I didn’t like The Descendants (sorry!), but she was great in it). Also also, Kate Winslet.

The Fault In Our Stars

Release Date: June 6, 2014

Should I read the book first? You should read the book – but whether you read it before or after the movie is probably immaterial. That is, I don’t think there will be any plot difficulties that you’ll have trouble understanding if you haven’t read the book. Still, my advice is to read it first because (1) it’s good, and (2) you have time. Author John Green has been involved in the film-making process, and has said that everyone from the actors to the set designers has done an awesome job in bringing his book to life in the way he imagined it. It will be fun to pick up on the little details from the book on-screen.

Predicted Potter Effect: 9. I have high hopes for this movie. In many ways, it’s easier to translate a book like this to the screen because it’s set in our everyday world. There’s a lot of variation in how you can envision Panem or Divergent-ville (I’m going to read it! I promise!), but I think we all have a handle on Indianapolis. So, there’s less of a chance that you’ll have to have read this book to fill in the holes of the plot and setting, making it easier to create a stand-alone film experience.

The Giver

Release Date: August 15, 2014

Should I read the book first? I’m assuming that most of our readers were already in fourth grade once, so I’m going to go ahead and guess that you already have.

Predicted Potter Effect: 5. I just don’t know how much I’ll be able to let myself slip into a different world while watching Taylor Swift and Katie Holmes. Also, apparently the guy playing Jonas is 24 – so, twice the age of Jonas in the book. All this makes me think it’s okay if you go into it already having loved the book, but might feel a little … weird as a movie. I don’t know. I just feel like most of the plot depends on Jonas and the other kids being put into their roles as soon as they’re hitting the teen years. If you are watching this because you loved the book you will like it, but if you don’t already have positive associations with the story you may feel a little skeeved out.

Saturday Spotlight: The Clooney Factor

This month, George Clooney got engaged to someone who is, shall we say, a little out of his league.

From zero to George Clooney, just how Clooney were this week’s posts?

2014 Unofficial Guide To Your New TV Addictions

Clooney Factor: 3  – because Clooney did get his start on TV, after all

May is a big month for television. In addition to all the season finales and unfortunate cancellations (TROPHY WIFE UGHHH), networks also reveal the pilots that have been picked up to series for the upcoming season. Every year, there are trailers that make you think ‘Why da faq did they pick this show up’ but then there’s always the ‘I need this show to come on now because watching the 3 minute preview isn’t enough’. To help you weed through the bramble, I’ve compiled a list of shows I think actually have a shot of making it at least one season. Are any of these your early favorites too?

The Comedies

A to Z

Thursdays, 9:30pm • NBC

If you’re a Mad Men fan, you might recognize the lead male as cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Michael Ginsberg. If you’re a Mindy Project fan, you might remember him as the pretentious guy Mindy dated who adorably played the ukelele and sang a Katy Perry song. And if you’re a How I Met Your Mother fan, you might recognize the lead female as Tracy ‘I’m Not a Plot Device’ McConnell.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and tell you that I have probably watched this trailer at least 8 times already, which is probably 7 times too many. While Ben Feldman and Cristin Milioti aren’t necessarily big actor names like some of the other shows that got picked up for next season, I hope people still decide to watch it, because it looks super cute… and maybe a little HIMYM-esque? Whatevs, I’m into it.

Bad Judge

Thursdays, 9:00pm • NBC

The great Kate Walsh returns to network TV! Addison Montgomery has switched occupations and is now a judge. A ‘Bad Judge’ if you will. I didn’t really expect much before watching this, but I was delightfully surprised when I literally LOLed a couple times. It’s reminiscent of Bad Teacher, both the Cameron Diaz movie and the TV show which was recently cancelled after just a few episodes (side rant: I only saw the pilot, but it was hilarious. Come ON CBS).


Can We Make ‘The Maya Rudolph Show’ A Regular Thing?

Clooney Factor: 4 (Nick Clooney was a long-time TV host himself – shoutout to AMC when they used to play old movies!)

The Maya Rudolph Show was a one-time only event, but with our TV schedules cleared of all but the worst reality TV for the summer, I have to ask: can we make The Maya Rudolph Show a regular thing? Here’s why:

Maya Rudolph, Of Course

A great variety show needs a great host. That’s what separates the Carol Burnett Show from Donny and Marie, Your Show Of Shows and The Muppet Show from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. And they don’t make better hosts than Maya Rudolph, a true triple threat: singing, acting, and making me spit Diet Coke onto my coffee table with a single eyebrow raise.

Maya’s delivery is always just on that next level. It’s like all of Maya’s characters are working so hard to sell it; like they’re all putting on little shows even in regular conversation. Take her Beyonce impression, for example. You can see the real Beyonce underneath the Beyonce persona going “hey, are you guys getting this?”

Silly Sketches

Network TV could use a bit more goofiness in the usual weeknight ‘cops ‘n doctors’ lineup. It’s nice to go to sleep after a bit of lighthearted silliness. The best example from last night? This sketch where Maya and Fred Armisen play the voices from your GPS to uncanny perfection. You know that Franken-accent that your GPS has – the stilted pauses, the weird diphthong that’s probably what’s going to happen when the Northern Cities Vowel Shift meets up with the Southern Shift once we all learn how to talk from the internet? And how you have to repeat yourself several times until it knows what you said? I can’t stand this silliness on my GPS, but I love it on my TV.


 

Things I Thought Would Happen Before George Clooney Got Married

Clooney Factor: 10 (That’s So George!)
Clooney reprising his role as Batman

Lou Bega making a legit come back

Wait, guys… I’m JUST realizing this is Mambo NUMBER 5. WHAT HAPPENED TO MAMBOS 1 THROUGH 4?!?


What’s In Shailene Woodley’s Bag?

Clooney Factor: 8 (like all conversations between the middle-aged women on whom you eavesdrop when you’re getting your hair cut, there is at least one George Clooney reference)

According to Shailene Woodley, Shailene Woodley is a clay-eating, toothpaste-making, showtune-in-the-morning singing not-feminist who says “Gaia” non-ironically and gathers spring water from a mountain brook. She’s also, like, a little bit homeless. Does this surprise anyone?

Let’s inventory Shailene Woodley’s bag. On Kimmel she lists the following items: (1) computer; (1) hoodie situation; (1) pair jeans; (some) basic tees and tanks; (1) temporary cell phone because the studio got annoyed that she kept disappearing into the wilderness to worship the moon goddess; and (indeterminate) leggings.

Okay, let’s all picture all of those items. They’d totally fit into an airplane-standard carry-on, I think we can all agree. But that can’t be it, right? Based on my research, here are some other things that Shailene Woodley owns:

  • Just a little bit of shampoo: Because she only shampoos about once a month. See article, above.
  • Some clay: She eats about a teaspoon of clay every day, and makes toothpaste out of it as well. I’d say conservative estimate, you can count on at least two cups of clay so she doesn’t have to keep buying clay all the time. But if you are extra crazy and go to the website of Woodley’s recommended clay vendor, you would see that the smallest size clay-ball is 1 pound. So there you have it. A one-pound bag of clay, chipped away a teaspoon at a time.
  • This horseradish root:

 Playlist of The Month: Best Original Songs By Fictional Artists

 Clooney Factor: 7 (Oh Brother Where Art Thou Arguably Should Have Made The List)
Pop! Goes My Heart from Music and Lyrics
Fictional Artists:  PoP!

What do you mean you’ve never seen this movie? For shame. It has Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore, and Jason Street from Friday Night Lights, what more could you ask for? Probably a better plot and script, that’s what. I mean I didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, but cinephiles might disagree. Basically Hugh Grant plays a washed up former 80s pop star from a band called PoP! (which was inspired by Wham!). And his band mate is played by Scott Porter, who actually sings and dances IRL. Their hit song is Pop! Goes My Heart and this music video is awesomely 80s.

Killer Tofu from Doug
Fictional Artist: The Beets

Millenials, can you feel me right now?

Obviously The Beets were supposed to lampoon The Beatles, but it also seems like they’re ripping on the early-mid 90s British rock bands that were popular at the time. I’m looking at you, Oasis.

Playlist of the Month: Best Original Songs by Fictional Artists

Music has always been an important factor in movies and TV shows throughout the years, providing just a little something extra to create the exact emotions in a certain scene. And then there are the movies and TV shows that take music to a whole other level by creating made up bands and artists within the storyline. And sometimes they actually end up being really good. We’re not talking fake bands that cover songs, we’re talking the fictional artists with original music who could easily release their own songs and be chart toppers. Here are just a few of our favorites (and by few, we legit mean few. It was surprisingly hard to narrow down a list!)

Check the full playlist on Spotify!

Molly’s Picks

Join The Professionals from Ladies And Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains

Fictional Artist: The Stains

By all means, this should be one of those classic 80s films that’s played on a regular loop on TBS. Somehow – maybe because the universe isn’t just nor kind, maybe because TBS used their full rights-buying budget on The Breakfast Club and Coach Carter – it isn’t. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains follows the rise of a girls’ punk band in the early 80s, and I am shamelessly including it on this list in the hopes that more people will see it.

Killer Tofu from Doug

Fictional Artist: The Beets

Millenials, can you feel me right now?

Obviously The Beets were supposed to lampoon The Beatles, but it also seems like they’re ripping on the early-mid 90s British rock bands that were popular at the time. I’m looking at you, Oasis.

That Thing You Do! From That Thing You Do!

Fictional Artist: The Wonders (Or, The Oneders)

Cheesy? Sure. But I loved this movie, and this is a perfectly formulated throwback rock/pop tune. That Thing You Do! came out when I was about 10, that age when music and bands take on a whole new life for you. This, La Bamba, and Selena were my Movies About Music trifecta circa 1997.

Big Bottom from This Is Spinal Tap

Fictional Artist: Spinal Tap

SO MUCH BASS. We couldn’t have a playlist of fictional bands without including Spinal Tap. Comedy fans and music lovers alike have elevated This Is Spinal Tap to cult classic status, and for good reason: they go to 11. I love how the different styles on the soundtrack trace the trajectory of the band – for instance,  America (so Simon and Garfunkel!), Listen To The Flower People (one of Spinal Tap’s early efforts), and the oddly classy Lick My Love Pump.

It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp from Hustle And Flow

Fictional Artists: DJay and Shug

In addition to being a great movie about the small-time hip hop scene, Hustle And Flow may mark the very last time that a movie, set in the present day at the time of release, featured a cassette tape as a prominent plot device.

Honorable Mentions: The Commitments (who only didn’t make the list because we’re focusing on original songs, and theirs were all covers); The nuns from Sister Act (whatever, I do what I want); Goodbye Lil Sebastian (Right, Parks fans?); Scotty Doesn’t Know from Eurotrip (see Sister Act); Forever (actually not good, and actually a Beach Boys cover, proving that not every record can be Pet Sounds); anything from Once (I couldn’t decide if it counted, since I wasn’t sure if I could divorce it from The Swell Season). This was a surprisingly hard list for me to narrow down, everyone.

Traci’s Picks

Male Prima Donna from The Office

Fictional Artists: Subtle Sexuality

Even if you were a fan of The Office, you still might not be familiar of the outstanding musical talent within the walls of Dunder Mifflin. Kelly Kapoor & Erin Hannon formed pop duo Subtle Sexuality during their out of office hours (read: a series of websisodes), and released to the viewing public in 2009. And it’s full of outlandish costumes and a lot of autotune and it’s wonderfully ridiculous. True story: This song used to be ringtone. If you liked this song, check out Subtle Sexuality’s second single, The Girl Next Door.

Every Minute, Every Hour from 2ge+her Again

Fictional Artists: 2ge+her

Guys, I’m not ashamed to say I was a total teenybopper when I was a teen. I totally drank the boy band kool-aid, even the fake boy band kool-aid that is 2ge+her. Like not even in an ironic way. I genuinely liked their music. And that was the brilliant part of the whole parody phenomenon – is that the songs were actually catchy. I mean, if I say U+Me = Us, I’m assuming most of you would be able to sing a little of it, because it was a memorable pop hit. Case in point: this song from the 2ge+her Again soundtrack, which incidentally was co-written by my boy Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys. It’s also one of the rare songs that doesn’t follow the parody formula (i.e. it’s not like Rub One Out or Say It, Don’t Spray It).

Pop! Goes My Heart from Music and Lyrics

Fictional Artists:  PoP!

What do you mean you’ve never seen this movie? For shame. It has Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore, and Jason Street from Friday Night Lights, what more could you ask for? Probably a better plot and script, that’s what. I mean I didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, but cinephiles might disagree. Basically Hugh Grant plays a washed up former 80s pop star from a band called PoP! (which was inspired by Wham!). And his band mate is played by Scott Porter, who actually sings and dances IRL. Their hit song is Pop! Goes My Heart and this music video is awesomely 80s.

Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet from Nashville

Fictional Artists: Juliette Barnes

TBH, I only started watching Nashville because of Connie Britton. I’ve continued watching it because the soap opera-ness of it gets you hooked. But one of the best parts of the show (thankfully) is the music. Because the show centers on country music stars in Nashville, most of the songs are original tunes that are written by the same songwriters who write for the real country music stars in Nashville. It was really hard for me to pick just one from the show, so Don’t Put Dirt… is just one of my faves. But then there’s also Boys and Buses, A Life That’s Good, He Ain’t Gonna Change, I Ain’t Leavin’ Without Your Love, and Joy Parade by a C+S favorite, Lennon and Maisy.

Let Me Be Your Star from Smash

Fictional Artists: Karen Cartwright & Ivy Lynn

Let Me Be Your Star was the big song at the end of the pilot for Smash, and I figured that if my goosebumps were any indication of how the rest of the series was going to be, the show would be a hit. Well, we all know how that went. Smash was pretty interesting for a while, and then Bollywood happened, someone got killed, etc. etc. However, there were some great original songs made for the fictional musical, including this one and another one of my favorites, Caught in the Storm.

Honorable Mentions: Say No More (Mon Amour) from Empire Records (Rex Manning Day, y’all),  California Dreams from California Dreams (I have this soundtrack, whatever), Friends Forever from Saved by the Bell (Zack Attack is forever in my heart).

What’s In Shailene Woodley’s Bag?

According to Shailene Woodley, Shailene Woodley is a clay-eating, toothpaste-making, showtune-in-the-morning singing not-feminist who talks about “Gaia” and gathers spring water from a mountain brook. She’s also slightly homeless. Does this surprise anyone?

Woodley’s not homeless in the “not having a home” sense: she owns one, but her grandma lives there (because, if it doesn’t come through enough here: Shailene Woodley seems really, really nice). She’s more homeless in the “sleeping on my friends’ sofas, clogging the sink drain with lumps of clay, encouraging them to use those salt crystal sticks that, no, do NOT work just as well as deodorant, thank you very much” sense. (While we’re at it, I feel bad that regular deodorant is going to give me Alzheimers/cancer and if anyone could point me to a natural alternative that doesn’t make me smell, it’s probably Shailene).

Well, let’s let Shailene explain it, actually:

So … is Shailene Woodley magic? (Probably, yeah; wouldn’t be surprised.) Jimmy Kimmel examines her assertion that all of her possessions can fit in one carry-on sized bag, but Shai’s not really helping. Is this a normal bag or is it a mystical bottomless bag, a la Mary Poppins or The Barney Bag? I can only assume that it’s the latter, maybe given to her on a moonlit mountain sojourn by an enchanted forest crone.

Let’s inventory Shailene Woodley’s bag. On Kimmel she lists the following items: (1) computer; (1) hoodie situation; (1) pair jeans; (some) basic tees and tanks; (1) temporary cell phone because the studio got annoyed that she kept disappearing into the wilderness to worship the moon goddess; and (indeterminate) leggings.

Okay, let’s all picture all of those items. They’d totally fit into an airplane-standard carry-on, I think we can all agree. But that can’t be it, right? Based on my research, here are some other things that Shailene Woodley owns:

  • Vibram Five-Finger Shoes: Those glove-shoes that seem like they were invented by the guy who has the patent on those little round blister band-aids, in order to drum up business.

  • Water jugs: Specifically, “5-gallon carboy situations”. Girl. You know this isn’t fitting in a carry-on – wheeled or duffel. Maybe it’s her personal item.

  • Makeup and makeup remover: You can read all about Shailene’s favorite products here. You could make an argument that she doesn’t own the makeup and only wears it for appearances, but at least the remover sort of has to live with her.
  • Just a little bit of shampoo: Because she only shampoos about once a month. See article, above. (I tried this for a while and it worked until it didn’t. Some people swear by it. Probably depends on your hair type.)
  • Some clay: She eats about a teaspoon of clay every day, and makes toothpaste out of it as well. I’d say conservative estimate, you can count on at least two cups of clay so she doesn’t have to keep buying clay all the time. But if you are extra crazy and go to the website of Woodley’s recommended clay vendor, you would see that the smallest size clay-ball is 1 pound. So there you have it. A one-pound bag of clay, chipped away a teaspoon at a time.
  • This horseradish root:

See, she has a sense of humor about her hippie-neo-witch vibe, and that’s why I like her.

  • A mason jar: She carries one everywhere. Says co-star Miles Teller, “she always has a mason jar and 100% of the time it smells like crap.” Well, there’s that, then.

  • Presumably some kind of reusable menstrual product deal:  She follows DivaCup and New Moon pads on Twitter, and I can’t imagine you follow those companies because of all their awesome 140-character jokes, right? Also, this tweet:

I’ve now spent enough time in Woodley’s twitter feed to know that she calls her period “moon time.” New product idea: that one puberty class you had to go to in fifth grade, rewritten by Shailene Woodley to be 100% more earthy. 10/10, would attend.

  • Mushroom tea: I can’t imagine this tasting like anything but diluted, terrible mushroom soup. I’m only including the tea here because I’m pretty sure that the kind of people who host Shailene Woodley on their guest futon also are the type of people who own a tea kettle.
  • Chinese herbal supplements: the better to make her breath smell of dirt and creeks and forests before kissing scenes. Her costar literally used the word “musty.”

HOLY SHIT THAT’S A LOT OF STUFF.

I’m not trying to put bad vibes into the universe towards Shailene Woodley (because you know who puts good vibes into the universe? Probably Shailene Woodley). She seems really earnest and well-intentioned, and people who know her (John Green; George Clooney; etc) all seem to like her a whole lot. She was also Felicity Merriman in an adaptation of the American Girl series, and Marissa Cooper’s little sister in The O.C., so that’s cool.

It’s just that, for those of us who have ever struggled to fit two weeks worth of possessions into a carry-on tote so we don’t have to pay a checked bag fee … this is a lot to take. A lot. I can forgive Shailene for making clay-eating sound like a good idea even though it’s actually a certifiable medical disorder.  I’m not even jealous that she manages to look pretty in that 1997 soccer mom haircut in The Fault In Our Stars. But going on national television, bragging about a magical carry-on bag that could fit all of these possessions, and not even directing us up the woodland path to the kindly mountain witch who peddles them? Not cool.

I hope there’s room for my disappointment in Shailene’s bag, because she carries it with her wherever she goes.