Ah, Back-To-School Shopping : such a gentle, consumeristic way to get over the end of summer vacation. However, as two life-long Catholic school students, our experience wasn’t everything the Staples and J.C. Penney commercials led us to believe. I’m watching the cycle all over again with my nieces and nephews – the public schoolers getting cute new outfits and the Catholic school kids getting their first necktie at age 5. [Find me something cuter than a kindergartener in business casual.] In honor of our ’90s and ’00s memories, here is a study in the contrasts between back to school shopping for Catholic schoolers and, if not real public school students, at least the too-cool public schoolers we saw on TV.
Clothing
File under: My childhood as a walking Irish Catholic stereotype.
Expectation: I’m going back to school with a new wardrobe that will mark me as one of the cool kids!
Reality: I am wearing the same plaid jumper from the same Plaid Jumper Store as all of my classmates. Somehow, kids manage to sort themselves into Cool and Uncool anyway.
[Note: there is a 50/50 chance your uniform is a hand-me-down, or your mom bought it at the used uniform sale your school holds at the end of the school year.]
Expectation: At least maybe some fun, cute outfits for after school!
Reality: Those are called “play clothes” and they don’t come from the store, they come from a trash bag your aunt drops off every time your next cousin up has a growth spurt.
[Note: I realize there are Catholics without cousins but I’ve never met one.]
Accessories
Expectation: And don’t forget the accessories!
Reality: … Which are knee socks, a navy blue cardigan, and a shirt with a Peter Pan collar during that five-decade range after Peter Pan collars went out of style in the ’60s and before they came back in style on Zooey Deschanel.
If you’re fancy, please add a headband in the same plaid as your uniform.
Jewelry
Expectation: Wearing some jewelry, I guess.
Reality: Bracelets are not allowed. Non-post earrings are not allowed. Necklaces are a pendant on a thin chain. If you want to consider rosaries jewelry (“WHICH THEY ARE NOT” – every Catholic reading this post, before I could even say it, right?), you can have those. But you cannot wear them, for Pete’s sake.
School Supplies
Expectation: Lisa Frank binders! Lisa Frank notebooks! Lisa The Frickin FRANK IT ALL UP.
Reality: There is a specific, solid color that every subject uses. Does The Vatican secretly operate the Mead company?
Expectation: Don’t forget a trapper keeper to stay organized!
Reality: Trapper Keepers strictly verboten.
Hair
Expectation: It would be so much fun to try a bright color or a crazy new ‘do to show people how much I’ve changed over the summer!
Reality: “No extreme hairstyles” – Catholic School Student Manual 29:11
Shoes
Expectation: I will narrow down the most in-style looks and then pick out some sneakers, a pair of cute shoes, and maybe something a little dressier.
Reality: Your uniform requires shoes that meet all of the following criteria: black or navy blue. No laces. No wedges. No mules. No sneaker soles. Heel must measure less than one inch at the highest point. No ballet flats.
You are left with orthopedic nun shoes.
[Note: If you’re really wondering how we sorted out the cool kids, their moms bought them cute shoes that skirted the Shoe Canon of the student handbook, whereas uncool-kid moms followed it to the letter. As to what camp I was in, let’s just say I still like a sturdy pair of Clarks.]
It’s no secret I love a good marriage proposal, at least ones that are sweet, romantic and creative, not one that will make me second-hand embarrassed. Recently, a proposal which falls into the first category went viral, and it’s become my favorite one yet.
The gentleman in this video, Phil Wright, is a well-known choreographer, while his longtime girlfriend Ashley Lai is also a dancer. So it’s no surprise that he incorporated their mutual passion into popping the question, and the result is tear-inducing and will possibly make you transform into the emoji with heart eyes.
I’d heard of Phil before because he teaches hip-hop at some local LA studios, and there’s one class in particular that isn’t just your normal dance class. It’s for kids AND adults, particularly their parents. Let me introduce you to #TheParentJam.
When I was growing up, there was a section of our dance studio where parents (usually moms) would sit while their kids (usually daughters) had their class. I’m sure anyone who took dance as a kid can relate, but Phil wanted to get those same parents off their seats and onto the floor. His beginner hip hop class invites parents (or grandparents) to join the little ones and learn the same routine. It’s not about how well you do it, it’s about how much passion you put in and most importantly, enjoy the time bonding and dancing with your kids.
Let Phil (who’s dancing with his niece) show you how it’s done.
Ok, let’s get into it. These videos will immediately bring you all the joy, which is definitely what we need right now. First up, the father/daughter duo. Check out dad’s facial expressions (and Ham t-shirt).
OMG U GUYZ THE MTV VMAS ARE THIS SUNDAY WHO ELSE IS EXCITED?!?!
Not me. But there was a time when that was me. When I was prime MTV target demographic, when I was impressionable and bought any artist that made it to the top 10 on TRL (see: Limp Bizkit and P.O.D. CDs in my childhood bedroom). Those formative years when I was a tween and eventual teen who was thriving at Backstreet Boys concerts and making websites on Geocities. Growing up, I was a teenybopper. I’m not gonna be ashamed about it. That’s just who I was. I was the girl who thought MTV was the coolest, the mecca of where all the celebs and musicians were featured. And the VMAs were my Super Bowl.
Back then, all my faves were either nominated, performing, or presenting, so it made sense that I was tuning in like a Michael Jackson popcorn GIF every year. And there were plenty of popcorn-GIF worthy moments that happened on the VMAs when I grew up. These are iconic and unforgettable performances – clips that takes me back to that time in my life when superstardom was out of reach and not a tweet away. Here are some of the MTV VMA moments that shaped my childhood. It’s crazy to think that Katy Perry and co. might have that same effect on tweens at this year’s ceremony. Guys, we are so old.
1994 ♦ Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley Make Out
Isn’t it weird to look back and think that the King of Rock ‘n Roll’s daughter was married to the King of Pop? Like, what even did they pay the music gods to get that love connection? Apparently not enough since their marriage didn’t last that long. However, this kiss is burned in my brain for eternity.
1995 ♦ Courtney Love bombs Madonna’s interview
I remember watching this live and having NO IDEA what was going on. But I don’t think Courtney Love did either. She wasn’t doing great at the time, but nevertheless, this is still rude. But alas, makes for great TV. Remember Kurt Loder? He is also part of my adolescence, which would be a weird thing to say to him IRL, I think.
1998 ♦ Mariah and Whitney Double Up
At the time this aired, I legit thought this was real. Like they definitely accidentally wore the same dress to the VMAs. I was concerned. Of course, it’s just a bit. I love bits. And I love Whitney Houston. Prince of Egypt forever.
1999 ♦ Diana Ross, Lil’ Kim and Lil Kim’s Lil’ Kim
Lil’ Kim’s outfit was outrageous then, and it continues to be even to this day. The 1999 VMAs were (and maybe continue to be?) my favorite VMAs ceremony of all time, and this is definitely one of the reasons why. I admit, I barely knew who Diana Ross was at the time, despite being obsessed with Phil Collins’ cover of The Supremes’ You Can’t Hurry Love. I didn’t know it was the same person! Anyways, I my mouth was agape when Diana bounced Lil’ Kim’s boob, and hoped that neither of my parents saw what had just happened as I watched the VMAs in our living room.
1999 ♦ Britney Spears and ‘N SYNC Take It Back To School
As I mentioned, 9.9.99 (it was on September 9th obvs) was a big year, particularly for pop music. It felt like it was at its height again, thanks to my boys BSB, Christina Aguilera, Britney, ‘N Sync, all the other boy bands, etc. This was one year after Tearin’ Up My Heart was released, but right around the time …Baby One More Time was becoming super popular. We all know the Britney/’N Sync relationship, but this was everything you could’ve wanted in a pop music performance on the VMAs. Singing, dancing, a school story, a surprise element of the ‘N Sync boys at the desks! As a BSB fan, I willingly admit this is and forever will be one of the best VMA performances in the show’s history.
1999 ♦ Backstreet Boys win the Viewer’s Choice VMA
As I mentioned, I am a BSB fan til the day I die, and 1999 was the height of BSB mania. Millennium had been released earlier that year, and the boys had basically shut down Times Square during their MTV special on release day. I was also at the height of my BSB mania, and voted non-stop in hopes they would win the Viewer’s Choice award against their rival (and mine), ‘N Sync. I remember jumping up and down, so ecstatic that “my” hard work paid off, and that my boys earned the much-deserved moonman. And yes, that white dude in the beginning pulled a Kanye before Kanye.
2000 ♦ Eminem and A Fuck Ton of Real Slim Shadys
Eminem also was a hot commodity in this era, releasing hit after hit after hit, including The Real Slim Shady. The song posits that there are many wannabes but only one Marshall Mathers, and because of that, he invited a whole lot of white guys in white t-shirts and jeans to be extras in his performance. Is this where my real fear of white men started? JK. A little.
2001 ♦ Britney and the Snake
I mean, obviously, right?
2002 ♦ Eminem vs. Moby and Christina Aguilera
Eminem wasn’t necessarily known to be a congenial person that got along with every artist that came across his path. He had beef with DJ Moby, which is why this awkward exchange with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog happened – right before Eminem won a moonman. Which as you can see from the clip, was handed to him by Christina Aguilera. If you recall, Em name-dropped Xtina in The Real Slim Shady, saying:
“Yo Shit, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
And hear ’em argue over who she gave head to first
Little bitch, put me on blast on MTV
“Yeah, he’s cute, but I think he’s married to Kim, hee-hee!”
I should download her audio on MP3
And show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD”
Which makes this clip even more memorable (and chilly) thanks to the shade from Ms. Aguilera herself.
2003 ♦ Britney, Madonna and Christina, You Know
The Mickey Mouse Club Was nothing but a memory after this performance.
2011 ♦ Beyonce and Blue
This did not have a hold on my adolescence, but I was still very much awakened when B revealed she was preggo with Blue after singing Love on Top.
Warm up those hips and grab a watermelon because it’s time for another installment of Pop Culture Blind Spot! And today we’re heading back to family summer camp and celebrating Dirty Dancing, which was released on this day exactly 30 years ago. Even after three decades, the movie still holds up. Let’s dive right in and revisit one of the greatest movies that defined a generation.
Statements of note from the trailer:
“The heat is in the music. The music sets you dancing. The dancing sets her free.”
“She thought it would be just another summer vacation, but it turns out to be the time of her life.”
“What they learn from each other feels too good to be wrong.”
My knowledge of this movie: Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey do a lot of dancing. Kenny Ortega of High School Musical fame choreographed it. Kelly Bishop aka Emily Gilmore is also in it, but I always manage to forget this fact.
The reason I had never seen Dirty Dancing is from a lack of not wanting to see it. By nature, it should be a movie I love – romance, impressive dance sequences, drama, comedy. I just never got around to watching it. Thank God for Netflix, amirite, ladies? So here we are, almost 28 years to the day it was released on August 21st, 1987, and I’m sharing my thoughts with you on it for the very first time. Here goes nothing.
2:20This movie takes place in 1963? Definitely did not know that. I thought it was just another 80s movie.
2:44 I remember that Kelly Bishop is in this movie. I know, I know. She’s a Tony Award winning actress of stage and screen, but to me she will forever and always be Emily Gilmore. And to quote the Gilmore Guys podcast, Bishop is Queen.
2:57 I knew there was greenery and cabin-looking structures in this movie, but I was not aware it takes place at a sleepaway camp for families. Does anyone go to this kind of camp anymore? Do these even exist?
3:24The cars lining up to Kellerman’s camp legit looks like moving in day for freshman at my college.
3:54 Is Newman from Seinfeld in this? [the answer is yes]
5:00 MAMA KELLY BISHOP IS SERVING IN THIS DANCE SCENE, DESPITE THE FACT THEY’RE SMUSHED TOGETHER LIKE A BUNCH OF SARDINES.
7:20 I get Patrick Swayze now.
7:55 “You just put your pickle on everybody’s plate, college boy, and leave the hard stuff to me.” – Johnny Castle, an employee at a Jewish family camp, definitely NOT a porn star.
9:00Baby is set up with some doofus who is the camp owner’s grandson, a dude named Neil who is going to Cornell for Hotel Management. Meanwhile, Baby’s got her eyes on going to Mount Holyoke to study the economics of underdeveloped countries and then enter the Peace Corps. Obviously well matched.
10:30 Johnny Castle and the blonde dance instructor Penny take center stage at this dance Baby and Neil are at, clearly auditioning for whatever the version of Dancing with the Stars was in 1963. However, they get cockblocked by the owner Max who wants them to dance with the guests instead.
13:37 After being forced to appear in a magic show and awarded a chicken for participation, Baby wanders into the staff quarters, which is a big no no. What a rebel.
14:30 Baby runs into a guy holding three huge watermelons, but they really just look like three prop pickles. There is no way he could carry three of those on his own. Come on.
15:00Baby enters the secret staff dance party where the literal Dirty Dancing is going down. Basically this type of dancing is grinding on top of your partner with no room for the holy spirit at all. Which I guess doesn’t matter for the employees of this Jewish camp.
17:00 This soundtrack is amazing, by the way. I’m a sucker for 60s/Motown era music. Still blown away that this takes place in 1963.
20:00Johnny teaching Baby how to roll her hips is the most awkward. It’s like she’s about to drop a deuce right on the dance floor. (GOD HELP ME I NEVER WANT TO SAY DROP A DEUCE AGAIN)
21:00For some reason, an activity for the women at this camp is to try on wigs. What else is available at this camp – How To Cook A Proper Roast For Your Man or Top Tips For Cleaning Your Curlers?
25:00 Penny is pregnant. I was not aware there was a pregnancy twist in this film. Despite attempting to help a devastated Penny, she tells her to GTFO. And apparently the father of this baby is the asshole misogynistic server in the restaurant.
30:00 To remedy this, Baby asks her doctor dad Jerry Orbach for $300 to do a “non illegal” activity – aka she’s going to pay for Penny’s abortion??? This is a lot of money for someone she just met a day ago. Is she trying to prove something or is she just a good person? Or trying to prove she’s a good person?
33:42 Baby agrees to take Penny’s place in a dance competition since she’ll be recovering from her aforementioned abortion – is there really no one else qualified to take Penny’s place? A sub dance instructor at the camp, perhaps? Baby can barely roll her hips around, as we learned earlier. She’s worse than Julia Stiles learning hip-hop in Save The Last Dance.
37:00 Jennifer Grey is incredibly skinny. Penny is even skinnier. And the two skinny waists have a weird threesome with Johnny as they teach her how to dance. Uncomfy moment #3 – it’s the same feeling I get while watching ballroom trios on So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing With The Stars.
38:00 The closeups on the gyrating hips – not for me. Uncomfy moment #4.
I know I keep on bringing up Dancing With the Stars, but this B plot about Baby learning how to learn competitive-level dance is totally a parallel to DWTS. The fact that you have to pick up a foreign skill quickly then perform it under the (hungry) eyes of judges is just like in this movie. Which probably explains how she won season 11 of DWTS.
40:00 Johnny accidentally locks the keys to his car inside said vehicle, so he just straight up takes a pole out of the ground to smash his car window. With ease, he does this. It’s also raining, but it’s the fakest rain ever and the sun is shining like it’s 90 degree day, and all I can think is the rain machine is blowing the water horizontally at Patrick Swayze’s face. That handsome mug must be insured, this shouldn’t be happening to him.
41:00 This balancing on a log practice could be problematic. That is a ravine right there. Maybe don’t risk your life when you could easily do this on a dance floor? Also, I’m supposed to be shipping this right?
43:00Johnny takes Baby to a field and subsequently the famous lake, which is much better than a log in the middle of the forest. But why isn’t Baby’s family concerned about her whereabouts? She just disappeared from camp. Isn’t her sister wondering why Baby didn’t show up to Wig Class?
47:00 Baby has somehow aged 10 years with her costume for the competition. She now looks like a New York Housewife competing in DWTS.
51:00 Uh oh. Penny’s not looking too hot after her shotty abortion. Baby comes to the rescue again by secretly getting her M.D. Dad to help her. Jerry Orbach (RIP) is quite the Doctor Detective. And quite upset with Baby’s interaction with the Dirty Dancing sexual deviants.
56:00 Welp Baby basically just confessed her love to Johnny. He’s already got his shirt off, so she asks him to dance… But on the real tho – this sex dance scene is still hot.
1:00 Penny clearly picks up the sex vibes that Johnny and Baby are putting down, and she warns him not to get serious with Baby. Which of course, in 80s movie terms, he obviously is.
This outfit is the reason I keep forgetting the movie takes place in 1963. This could either be 1987 or 2015, who the hell knows.
“What is with all this rain? Remind me not to have my honeymoon in Niagara Falls.” Baby’s sister
“So, you go to Acapulco, it’ll be fine!” – Queen Bishop
1:04 Baby and Johnny can’t stop boning. She’s technically a teenager, right? Since she’s “planning” to go to Mount Holyoke? Johnny’s obviously the type to skip college in favor of living out his dreams of being a camp dance instructor, so is this forbidden love even more forbidden?
1:07Oh hey, a scene I actually have scene before. This makes sense in context now. Before I thought it was just some weirdo lip syncing to a song.
1:09 Neil, the annoying grandson, is like the Patrice of this movie. He wants Johnny to dance the Pachanga for the final show, and Johnny’s response is one that made me legit LOL: “He wouldn’t know a good idea if it hit him in the Pachanga”1:12 Johnny’s bad boy side comes out when asshole waiter sees him kissing Baby, and the scene is like a fight between the Jets and the Sharks.
1:13 Baby’s sister singing I cannot.
1:18 There’s some side plot about Johnny’s cougar dance client setting him up as a kid who stole her husband’s wallet, but Baby comes to his defense by providing an alibi that he was with her at the time of the alleged theft. Not really important.
1:19 Baby goes to confront her upset father about basically admitted she slept with Johnny, and the whole conversation looks like a scene from The Bachelor when one of the final girls meets the bachelor’s dad for the first time to talk about how in love they are with their son.
1:22 Johnny’s heading out of town because of all the “trouble” he’s caused, and as he rides away, She’s Like the Wind plays in the background. Yes, the hit song by Patrick Swayze. TOO META. BTW, what exactly is Johnny’s accent? And does he not look like The Terminator in this scene?
1:26This camp has its own theme song. This is just such a foreign culture to me that I’m having a difficult time believing it’s real. This tune is a cross between a traditional hymn and one of those camp songs you hear in like Troop Beverly Hills.
1:29Ah yes, the iconic “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” scene. In my head she was in a literal corner of a room, sitting in a chair as if she had been punished. In addition, Johnny was gone for like 2 hours they’re all acting like it’s been years. ALSO Queen Bishop looks so hot rn!
1:30 So here’s my problem with Baby and Johnny dancing to Time of My Life – it’s a song that was made in the 1980s, but supposed to be set for a performance in 1963. This is why I’m confused. However, I will say that this song in context also makes so much more sense with the movie. Oh, and how did Johnny coordinate a flash mob so fast??
“I think she gets this from me.” KELLY FREAKING BISHOP
There are some interesting characters in the crowd, including the guy who predicted wearing sunglasses at night long before Corey Hart, the band leader dancing with Penny, and the two larger women happily dancing with each other. The movie ends with a pan out on the dance floor, with a spotlight on Baby and Johnny DIRTY DANCING. Bless. Also, it’s very reminiscent of the High School Musical 3 finale, because as you remember, Kenny Oretga is a mastermind of both these epic films.
On Monday, August 21 the sun will quit on the United States, and we don’t blame it.
Okay, not “quit” per se, but the moon will pass between the earth and the sun causing a total or partial blockage of the sun, depending on where you live. We think that calls for a themed party!
Total Eclipse Of The Screen
For the times the eclipse won’t be visible, we suggest playing space themed movies in the background. In particular:
Zenon, Girl Of The 21st Century
Armageddon
E.T.
Contact
Alien
The Martian
Independence Day
Space Camp
The Jetsons
Any Star Wars film
Any Star Treck film or episode
The Magic Schoolbus Gets Lost In Space
Total Eclipse Of Your Clothes
What’s a themed party without a themed outfit? If you want to impose a dress code, or are just really feeling the theme, here are some options:
black and white – simple, classic, and appropriate
polka dots work, too
of course, anything with a sun or moon on it would be apropos
but I think the best outfit for the day would be a full Miss Frizzle-style eclipse getup.
Total Eclipse Of These Snacks
Snacks are the best part of a theme party. Some suggestions:
Moon Pies
Black and white cookies, but in various stages of eclipse
Cheese (because the moon is made of it, clearly)
Sunflower seeds
Sunny D
Sun chips
Starfruit
Regular apples, but sliced in half so you can see the ‘star’ in the middle, which always wows the under-5 crowd the first time they see it
I really do feel like you could use sun, star, moon and circle-shaped cookie cutters on any number of foods! For real, this is probably the way I would go.
Total Eclipse Of The Bar
Eclipses can be day-drinking events if you want them to be. We recommend:
Just don’t get so crunk you forget you can’t stare at the sun and burn your retinas.
Total Eclipse Of Some Games
I absolutely love when people get excited about astronomical phenomena, whether it’s a meteor shower, solar or lunar eclipse, unusual visible planets or the northern lights. I was raised by a science teacher and we made a BIG DEAL out of this stuff when I was a kid. For instance, one time before I could read a ticker came across the bottom of the TV screen telling viewers that the northern lights were visible. The rest of my family bounded from their seats because they knew we’d all load into the minivan to try to see it – except for little illiterate me, watching TGIF and wondering what the big deal was.
All that is to say that I think this solar eclipse is a fine time to celebrate the wonders of our solar system – and what better way to do it than with games? Here are a few:
Name That Constellation!
Similar to our map-labeling games in our American and Canadian themed parties, this one is either a chance to show of your knowledge or a chance to get a little funny. Have individual printouts of constellations, or a large map of them on the wall. Let guests label them with their names. It’s fun to get it right, but it’s also fun to make up your own constellation names based on what they look like – which, after all, is what happened many years ago, anyway. The big dipper part of ursa major? Yeah, that’s a Deep Fry Basket.
Solar System Mnemonic Mad Libs
I’m so old that when I was a kid, my very excellent mother just served us nine pizzas. The kids in my life tell me that now, she serves nachos. Sorry, Pluto.
If you learned the order of the planets through mnemonic devices, this all probably sounds familiar to you. If not, forgive me.
You can create wacky solar system mnemonics -and reinforce your childhood space knowledge – with a mnemonic madlib. For instance:
My
[Adjective starting with V]
[Adjective Starting with E]
[Noun Starting With M]
Just
[Past Tense Verb Starting With S]
Us
[Adjective Starting With N]
[Noun Starting With P] [“Dwarf planet” means nothing to me, sorry not sorry.]
Mad Libs are always funnier if the person who is providing the words doesn’t know what you’re creating.
Pin The Moon Over The Sun
It’s like pin the tail on the donkey, but it’s eclipse-themed, and it’s probably better after a few Tequila Sunrises.
Planetary Twister
You can create this board pretty easily with a plastic table cloth. Draw all of the planets in several rows or a small circle. You will be using this as your twister board, so you have to set it up so that it’s plausible that a person could reach from one to the other. You could even do an entire row across of Mercury, an entire row of Venus, an entire row of Earth, etc.
For extra nerd points, don’t label the planets. If you don’t know Saturn from Jupiter, you’re out.
Total Eclipse Of U.S.
Hop over to our America-themed party post, because the total eclipse will only be visible in the United States. Also this is a great way to use up all of your miniature American flags from the Fourth of July.
Total Eclipse Of These Songs
I feel like since the sun and moon are both involved in this one, songs having to do with either of them are fine. Some of the more eclipse-y are:
Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler
Steal My Sunshine by LEN
Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers
I’ll Follow The Sun by The Beatles
Walkin’ On The Sun by Smashmouth
Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles (can never have too much Beatles, OK?)
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
Bad Moon Rising by Credence Clearwater Revival
Dancing In The Moonlight by King Harvest
Total Eclipse Of The Sun
The main thing about your eclipse party is, of course, the eclipse! Just don’t go outside and stare right at the sun, which will burn your retinas. Instead, stock up on verified eclipse sunglasses – your nearest library or science museum may be your best bet, but Amazon is good too (just make sure you get verified glasses).
There are suggestions all over the web for how to view the eclipse, so we won’t get into it. Just know that options include a contraption with a shoebox, tin foil and paper, a simpler cardboard thingy, looking at shadows, or the internet:
You can also see the eclipse at the Exploratorium in San Francisco or on their website.
All major networks will be covering the event
Here is some help in finding the best time to view the eclipse near you. Non-U.S. folks, don’t despair! First of all, we have cornered the market on despair for now. Second, a partial eclipse is visible in other parts of North America as well.
Anyone else watch Kingdom? No, just me? Maybe this isn’t the target demo for the MMA-centered drama, which just had its series finale a couple weeks ago. The Audience Network (yeah, it’s only on DirecTV) show featured a variety of complex and troubled characters, including Matt Lauria (of Friday Night Lights & Parenthood fame) and Nick Jonas (of smokeshow fame).
TBH, these two are the main reasons I started watching in the first place, because fun fact about me: I hate violence – in media and obviously IRL. But then I got sucked in to the family drama of it all and watched all three seasons until the very end. An end that I was not pleased with. On the scale of bad finales, it wasn’t How I Met Your Mother, but somewhere near Dawson’s Creek and Jen’s heart condition.
For some background: Revered MMA fighter Alvey (Frank Grillo) runs his own gym, where his two sons, Jay (Jonathan Tucker) and youngest Nate (Nick) train to keep his legacy alive. Nate is a rising MMA fighter with a lot of promise, but has been weighed down by the fact that he’s gay and constantly trying to hide it. His mom and brother are the only ones who know about his secret since they live in a bubble fueled by testosterone. By the final season, Nate actually finds a match in Will, even though they still keep their relationship (and his homosexuality) on the DL. But his secret starts to make its way around the MMA circle, and in the final season, another fighter passes him in the hallway before a fight and calls his a faggot, giving Nate even more pause in considering his decision to come out.
This brings us to the penultimate episode, in which Nate finally decides to come clean to his father during a drunk night out. So maybe telling your dad you’re gay when he’s absolutely shitfaced isn’t the best idea, but he did it. He finally got the courage to live his truth to the biggest influence in his life, and it doesn’t go well. In fact, Alvey even says to Nate, “You gonna tell me you’re a fucking faggot?”, which clearly hits a nerve. Nate understandably gets mad and walks out of the bar, drunk Alvey attempts to get him to stay, and in their inherent violent nature, Nate takes a swing at his father to let out all that pent up anger and frustration of his Alvey’s lack of acceptance out. Jay butts in and pulls Alvey off, but when Nate thinks Alvey’s going in for a second round and it’s actually the bouncer with a gun, he shoots him. Dead. Right there in a bar parking lot in front of his dad and brother.
It’s a harrowing scene that sets up the series finale, in which we learn that, yes, Nate is actually dead. The entire finale focuses on how his loved ones to cope with the untimely loss of the one truly good guy in their family.
Ok. So. A few things. Let’s get this one out of the way first – Nick Jonas is a fantastic actor. If you’ve only seen him in Camp Rock, Kingdom will definitely change your mind about his skills. His performance is subtle, yet commandeering, natural and not over the top. He’s an animal when he gets in the ring, but plays the purest of hearts when taking care of his drug addict brother and mother. Just look at this scene when he confirms to his brother/idol that he’s gay. The nuances of his acting is comparable to that of any award-winning actor.
Alright, so back to Nate’s death. Let’s discuss how annoying it is in general that his death came in the second to last episode, which inherently meant the finale HAD to focus on his family & how they struggles in the aftermath. Too much time was spent in memorializing a character who didn’t need to die in the first place, when the finale could’ve spent more time giving fans insight on the path each of the main characters was heading, long after viewers leave them behind. To their credit, they did do this to some extent, but most of their character developments were propelled by Nate’s death, not of their own volition.
But most importantly, I couldn’t help but think of one thing while I was watching this all go down – WHY? Why did they decide to kill off a character just moments after he came out as gay to his alpha male father? What is the “lesson” to be learned from all of this? Here’s what Kingdom creator Byron Balasco told EW:
“I wanted there to be real consequences for Alvey in terms of the mistakes he made as a father and as a man. You have to be mindful of the way you treat the ones you love because you do not always get a chance to go back later and fix it… I wanted a tumbling of emotions that gathers momentum where things get away from the control of our characters. I didn’t want his death to be cloaked in any kind of shame. It’s not about Nate being gay; it’s more about the inability of these two men to understand each other and to be honest with how they truly feel about each other.”
Sure, ok. A relationship between father and son is tender and complicated, but does death justify your storytelling? And while he says it’s not about Nate being gay, the truth of the matter is that it is. You can’t tell me that writers during this golden age of television don’t know about the Bury Your Gays TV trope, and if they do, they obviously choose to ignore it.
Just in case you missed the memo, this trope is usually related to lesbian TV characters, but expands to the LGBTQ community as a whole, in which there has been a trend of disproportionate deaths of said characters, and more likely than not, used to advance a main (straight) character’s storyline. In this case, Nate died because Alvey needed to truly understand and comprehend the mistakes he’s made as a dad and general human being, and his resolution comes in the final scene of the series, in which he breaks down alone after winning the most important fight of his life. But none of this was worth it.
In fact, Nate’s death was even more infuriating due to the lack of acknowledgement of his homosexuality in the final episode. Yes, Jay honors Nate before his dad’s fight by confirming Nate was gay and calling out anyone who had ever been homophobic towards him when he was alive. But it bothered me so much that Nate’s boyfriend Will wasn’t even in the episode. Not at his funeral. Not when his family spread Nate’s ashes out on the ocean. He wasn’t even mentioned. No, Nate didn’t “die because he was gay”, but for sure let’s not actually mention anything related to the fact that he was gay with another man.
Of course, there are many TV viewers who wouldn’t be surprised to hear yet another gay character has been killed off a show:
#KingdomTV killing a gay character was not shocking; queer fans expected and feared it all along. TV shows love to murder us. #BuryYourGays
At the recent Television Critics Association summer tour, GLAAD hosted a panel where they revealed research which showed that there are 278 regular and recurring LGBTQ characters on TV, a majority of them (142 to be exact) are on cable (EG: Audience Network), and most of them are gay white men (EG: Kingdom). Of those 278, there have been 62 gay and bi female characters who have fallen to the Bury Your Gays trope over the past two years.
Yes it’s great that more LGBTQ characters are popping up on TV, but why is it so difficult to give them a happy ending? Or at least one which doesn’t result in death? What does that say to viewers who relate to them in a way they never have before? Similarly, I mentioned this in my #FirstTimeISawMe post, but it bears repeating – yes, representation is important, but it’s the accurate portrayals of minorities that must also be given weight. Yes, more black characters! But no thanks on black thugs. Yes, more lesbian characters! But no me gusta tomboys being used as a punchline.
In this era of division amongst America in particular, those who find themselves in charge of creating shows and films shouldn’t make characters just to fill a quota or portray a particular narrative. Falling for harmful tropes such as Bury Your Gays is a disservice to fans who are obviously connecting to a show for a certain reason, and how non-LGBTQ members react to the already marginalized group as a whole. I hope the more backlash showrunners get, the more they realize this type of storytelling needs to stop. It get better? Guess we’ll have to wait see.
The world is full of bad ideas. About 10% of those are bad business ideas. And about 99% of THOSE originated from terrible puns. Here are just some of the terrible – but punny – business ideas I’ve thought of lately:
One Trick Ponytails
Salon that just does ponytails but they’re really good at it.
Lickety Splits
Banana splits in a cone.
RoTots
Toddler robots. Disobedient and really stubborn. Leave fingerprints everywhere. Hands always a bit moist.
HogsMediation
Couples therapy for couples who think they are from different Hogwarts houses – can a Slytherin-Hufflepuff marriage survive?
¡Pasta Ya!
All-you-can-eat pasta. It comes out of dispensers, like soft-serve ice cream. Pasta pasta pasta. Sauce everywhere. It comes in dispensers too. Like ketchup does. But it’s sauce.
Puppy Tents
It’s a pup tent, but for dogs. Like a dog house, but one that your dog will immediately knock over.
Baby Baby Boomers
A baby clothing boutique where all of the clothes make the babies look like tiny 60-year-olds. If you’re hipster enough to name your baby Barbara or Linda or Ron, you’re hipster enough to shop here.
Li-Beary
A library, but where a child can check out teddy bears. Everyone will surely get bed bugs.
Or: a library, but where an adult can check out actual bears. Insect infestations are really the least of your worries.
Dime A Dozen
This is a cheap but very specific sort of dime store, where they only sell things that you can get a dozen for for a dime. It’s mostly bulk bins full of things like individual Skittles, dried spaghetti, and dog kibble, for instance. You’re going to hate painstakingly counting out everything in denominations of 12, but not as much as your cashier will!
A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words
It’s like a photo studio, but instead a “word-artist” will write a 1000-word essay about the impression they get from your family. You ever wondered how someone would describe you in a magazine celebrity profile – those kinds where they make much ado about what an actress orders for lunch? Now you don’t have to, I guess.
Prime Time Flies
Imagine a public living-room type set up where you can watch TV with strangers, sort of like your college dorm’s common room that nobody used. Okay, but instead of playing regular TV, it plays the exact prime-time lineup of whatever day it is… but from times past. Including commercials. Will you get a classic ’90s TGIF night, or a classic ’90s SNICK night, or a classic ’90s Must See TV night? Sure, it COULD be from any era, but they know what people like.
I will remember you (and you and you and you and you and you).
After five seasons of monitoring clones, finding out there were even more clones, reblogging multiple OTP gifsets on Tumblr, and pretending I understand how science works, we must bid a final farewell to Orphan Black tomorrow. We’ve been fans of this BBC America show since the jump, serving as proud members of the Tatiana Maslany Deserves an Emmy Street Team since 2K13. [BTW, remember when Tat won an Emmy? Because that happened. I’ve refused to call her anything but “Emmy winner Tatiana Maslany” ever since.]
With its demise coming this weekend, I feel like it’s only proper to honor a show that has entertained and informed us over the past five years with one last goodbye to everyone and everything that we’ll miss about this groundbreaking show. Thanks for everything, OB. We’ll never forget you.
There have been a lot of gory goings on in Orphan Black (like the time Helena cut a dude’s tail off), but nothing compares to the unexpected demise of Rachel Duncan’s eyeball. After she destroys Kira’s bone marrow in a fit of rage, Sarah retaliates at her clone but using a contraption to shoot a pencil straight in her eye. It was bloody and gory and almost made me feel sorry for Rachel. The result of the incident left her with brain damage, but still, she was alive. Her hollowed out socket was replaced with a prosthetic eye, that is super high tech and makes me wonder just how much more advanced Canada is than us. However, in one of the final episodes of season five, Rachel finds out Dorian Gray wannabe P.T. Westmoreland has actually been using Rachel as a vessel to spy, since her mechanical eye records audio and video that is streamed directly to his tablet. But Rachel ain’t having none of that anymore so she breaks a martini glass (fitting) and JAMS IT IN HER HEAD to take out the eyeball in hopes of being truly freed from Dyad. RIP HER SECOND EYE.
The Tender Friendship Between Scott and Cosima
Since the pilot, the characters on OB have always had an ongoing issue with trust. Can they trust their monitors? Can they trust their family members? Can the clones even trust each other? In some cases, there was little question of a possible betrayal because of the inherent good in that character. Enter cinnamon roll Scott. He had been Cosima’s nerdy scientist friend for years before we meet them. In fact, he had a crush on Cosima but unfortunately for him, she had a crush on Delphine, so he settled to be her closest scientist confidant instead. Because of their genuine (friendship) love for each other, their trust was implicit, which is why he became the go-to scientist guy who Cosima and the rest of the clones went to for help. Sure, I like Cophine, but there will never be a purer friendship than that of Scott and Cosima in the OB world.
The Tender Friendship Between Donnie and Helena
If there’s any clone that has embodied the “look at where you are, look at where you started” mantra, it’s Helena. She was straight up a frightening, non-nonsense murderer, and over the course of five seasons, she’s become one of the most beloved clones who you feel a lot of empathy for. Take Donnie, for example, who was super against this hitwoman moving into his home with Alison. But he eventually gave in and now they’re practically best pals. He’s living a sister sestra wives situation, and I think Helena is all the more better for it. They do say being a mother changes you. Also, this is a good time to share my theory that Donnie is the unsung hero of Orphan Black. Discuss.
Alison’s Community Theater Group
After letting her friend die via scarf in the garbage disposal, Alison needed a distraction from the death, as well as all the clone drama, so naturally, she pursued her passion for the arts. And that came in the form of her joining her local community theater group. Not all her co-stars were pleasant to deal with, but they sure embodied what it’s like to be part of that unique group of artists. Not to mention, the shows they put up were fabulously horrible, including an original piece called Blood Ties – a musical which is surprisingly real. No, seriously.
Helena’s Appetite
Helena, as I previously mentioned, has gone through quite the transformation over the years, but one characteristic that has not changed one bit is her love for food. And by love I mean… passionate obsession. Particularly in the way she shoves it into her mouth, ofter with her hands, I mean, it’s like watching a child consume their favorite food like they’ll never eat again. It’s the little quirks like this that make Helena lovable, and make you forget she’s a trained assassin.
Sarah’s Long Lost Loves
Raise your hand if you’re still not over the death of Paul. Me. I’m not. Sure, he started off as Beth’s monitor, and sure he made a few poor choices with who he trusted, but I never doubted that he had true feels for Sarah. I mean, he also said, “It was never Beth I loved” as he helped Sarah to safety right before he died, so it’s canon. Plus, Dylan Bruce is hot. And together with Tat, they were just hot together. But just when you thought that she would never find love again, we find out who the biological father of Kira is, a fellow by the name of Cal, played by another extremely attractive human, Michiel Huisman. In another time and place, I think Cal and Sarah could’ve been a happy family somewhere in Iceland, but alas, this is Orphan Black, and he had to head back to Game of Thrones, never to be seen in OB World again.
That being said, Sarah still has one possible gentleman caller in Art, Beth’s former police partner. Sure, once Art discovered Sarah was just pretending to be Beth, he did not trust this doppelganger stranger one bit. But he eventually turns the tide and becomes one of Sarah’s closest allies and made a conscious decision to help bring down the people that ruined both Beth and Sarah’s lives with a nasty science experiment. But of course, his desire was fueled by the fact that he loved Beth (and even slept with her – sorry Paul), and it’s evident that he feels some sort of connection with her sister Sarah too. Sarah’s also put her trust in Art, even going so far as to let Kira stay with his young daughter in a safe place. She doesn’t let entrust anyone with her beloved kid. Listen, I’m all for women being independent and not needing no man to define her, but I’m just saying, Sarah and Art and their two kids could walk off into the sunset together and try to live as normal a life as possible in the series finale.
Krystal’s YouTube Channel
Krystal EASILY became one of my favorite clones from the moment she appeared in season three, with her blondeness that actually kind of hid the fact that she’s a smart businesswoman. What, like it’s hard? This season, we find out Krystal has become a YouTube star in her downtime, and honestly, I could watch this all day if it were real. Krystal spin-off show, please? Maybe come back in 5 years and instead of a straight OB reboot, just a webseries centering on Krystal.
Multiple Clone Parties
It’s the scene that will forever define the show as a cut above the rest – not only technically, but in its spotlight on Tat. She embodies each of the four main clones just by their dance moves, and it’s stunning to watch. The OB team managed to impress with another multiple clone scene through a family dinner, but this time, with more series regulars. The visual effects on this show have never been hokey or green screeney (technical term), which is part of the reason why it’s so believable that we’re watching multiple actresses play the clones and not just one. It’s a feat that’ll be hard to replicate by any show moving forward.
Still Thinking Tatiana Hasn’t Worked With Certain Actors
To that end, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen interviews with Tatiana and an actor like Kristian Bruun (Donnie), and think to myself, “Oh that’s cool they get to hang out, because they probably don’t see each other much on set since all his scenes are with Alison.” YOU DUMMY. TAT PLAYS ALISON. I think my default Tat character is Sarah, which obviously makes sense because the writers set it up that way in which she’s the protagonist. But it’s taken my approx 4.5 seasons to be fully aware that Tat is all the clones. She has worked with every single character on the show. EMMY WINNER TATIANA MASLANY, Y’ALL.
Like with any proper fandom that’s popular on the internet, OB fans aka the #CloneClub, are talented motherfuckers who create some of the best fan art I’ve seen for ANY show/movie, etc. A lot of it is surprisingly emotional (and a lot of it is also crafted by Cophine shippers), but that makes sense given the dynamic we see between each of the clones is emotional in and of itself. These women were created to be science experiments, and not regarded as humans who will find each other and form a bond like no one else can. I’m sure the fan art will keep going long after we say goodbye to the sestras, but there’s one more connection between the show and the fans that will live on forever.
“Representation is important.” You hear this message all the time, just like you do with “Climate change is real” and “gender is fluid”. All of which are equally true, but it sometimes feels like they’ve lost their gravitas, merely being used as buzzwords to keep the message in the zeitgeist.
Thankfully, there are initiatives that come around that remind you that these aren’t just slogans sparking political debate – they’re real issues that greatly effect society now and for future generations to come. In this particular case, one such initiative is the #FirstTimeISawMe campaign, which encourages people to reveal which character first represented them in the media.
The hashtag is a collaboration between Netflix and all-around cool organization Black Girl Nerds. They released this video earlier this month, and hundreds of people took to Twitter to share their own firsts.
For a lot of people, coming up with an answer to this is viral hashtag is probably easy. Especially if you’re white. And a male. In which case, you probably haven’t thought beyond your answer to a simple question. But when I decided I should chime in too, I realized (or just became completely mindful of) the fact that there hasn’t truly been one character that I felt fully represented me as a female Filipino-American. I was having a difficult time coming up with an honest answer.
I’ve touched on this before in my Fresh Off The Boat post (why aren’t you watching it yet), but the first time I remember seeing an *Asian woman* on TV was in 1994, when Margaret Cho starred in All-American Girl, a short-lived sitcom that was cancelled after one season.
Fun fact: There was a plot line in Fresh Off the Boat in which Emery and Evan want to become actors, but their reluctant mom Jessica (played by the brilliant Constance Wu) says, “You’re not going to become actors. You think they’re going to put two Chinese boys on TV? Maybe if there’s a nerdy friend or a magical thing where someone wanders into a Chinatown, but no.”
Cut to the end credits when they’re watching an episode of All-American Girl, and Emery quips at his mom, “So, no Asians on TV?”
The show centered on U.S.-born Margaret (Cho) who lives with her Korean-American family in San Francisco. Her much more Westernized POV on life is in stark contrast to the traditional, Eastern values her family has, and of course, comedy ensues. Sure, I too am a first-generation child who has arguably taken up American culture more-so than my parents, but I’m not Korean.
This problem kept coming up anytime I’d try to see myself in any of my favorite TV or movie characters. I speak to my parents in English when they talk to me in Tagalog like Jane does with Abuela in Jane the Virgin, but I’m not Venezuelan. I enjoy hip-hop and grew up obsessing over music like Eddie on Fresh Off the Boat, but I’m not a Taiwanese male. I so hardcore related to Dev’s dynamic with his parents in Master of None, but I’m not an Indian male wannabe actor. If you took Lane Kim’s upbringing in a religious household (and tbh, Lorelai’s hot/cold relationship with her parents and knack for pop culture), you’d be pretty close to representing me – but I continue to not be Korean.
In fact, the only example I could come up with of even seeing Filipinos on TV at all is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – and that show just ended its second season. Overall, the show is superb and speaks to my interests of romance, comedy, tragedy, and musical theater, but moreover, for the first time, I saw a Filipino as a main character. And one that didn’t just ignore the fact that he’s Filipino. Josh Chan (Vincent Rodriguez III) isn’t even a goofy sidekick. He’s the hot guy who is the one with the “crazy ex-girlfriend”. His name is literally in every episode title.
I already loved the show as soon as I finished the pilot, but what really turned the tide for me was the 6th episode titled “My First Thanksgiving with Josh”, written by comedy writer/actor and Filipino-American, Rene Gube (he also plays Father Brah). In this ep, Rebecca (Rachel Bloom) manages to get herself invited to Josh’s family Thanksgiving, despite the fact he’s still engaged to Valencia, who the Chans do not like that much. Because of this, Rebecca wants to impress his family as much as she can, which is why she teaches herself some basic Tagolog while cooking a traditional Filipino dish called Dinuguan (a stew with pork blood that I even refuse to eat).
Not sure what I was expecting, but I don’t think I ever expected to see a white actress learning Tagalog while making a Filipino dish on network TV. That is not a thing I ever expected would happen. But then the episode continues, and we meet the rest of his family including his dad, mom (played by Amy Hill, who was also the grandma on All-American Girl), and sisters Jayma and Jastenity (who have perfectly ridiculous Filipino names). Not to mention there’s an entire ROOM full of Filipinos, or Asians that act like they’re Filipino at least, eating a mix of American and Filipino food on Thanksgiving, just like I did growing up.
“I saved you the pork adobo and turkey skin, anak (child/something my parents and aunts and older relatives still call me to this day)” Mama Chan to Josh
Plus there’s the other line that Mrs. Chan says to Rebecca in yet another slight to Valencia, by saying, “We are so thankful God sent you to us”, a precursor for when Mrs. Chan later invites Rebecca to mass that same night. This isn’t a thing that I personally did with my family, but I will say that I grew up going to Filipino Bible Study, was super active in my Protestant church, and went to Catholic school my entire life. So yeah, my parents love the Lord and I understand the Chan’s church on Thanksgiving tradition.
Later in the season, we’re introduced to Josh’s aunt, played by Queen of the Philippines Lea Salonga, and we get to see even more of the Filipino culture when Josh’s sister Jayma gets married. The men, including Jayma’s Jewish husband, all wear traditional shirts called Barong Tagalog, which are lightweight and embroidered and worn at formal gatherings. Again, never in my life have I seen so many barongs on American TV. I never could have imagined this.
So all this to say, that’s what I tweeted. I said I’m still waiting for the one person in media that I can relate to wholeheartedly, but the Chans are the closest thing I got. And lo and behold, they responded:
Vinny also tweeted back and I unexpectedly started a Twitter convo between the Chan family. #FangirlGoals, amirite?
But through my own delve into how Filipinos/Asians/Females are represented in the media and seeing all the responses from other POCs on Twitter, it’s just a reminder that we still have so far to go. There are so many more stories to be told, especially in America, where not only are we a melting pot, but minorities are lit’rally taking over the country. According to a 2015 U.S. Census Bureau report, by 2020, “more than half of the nation’s children are expected to be part of a minority race or ethnic group.” By 2060, the minority population is expected to rise to 56%, while the foreign-born population will reach 19% (that stat was 13% in 2014). Plus, the population of bi-racial, or “two or more races” is projected to be the fastest-growing in the next four decades.
If this is the direction the U.S. is heading, doesn’t it just make sense for the media we consume to reflect the diverse makeup of this country? The more we see POCs in the media, the less likely we as a nation are to be culturally insensitive and racist. Just look at the LGBTQ community. Over the past two decades, the mere presence of characters like Willow and Ellen and Will Truman and Jack McFarland, Cam and Mitchell, have become part of pop culture history and “normalized gays” for those in the South or midwest or any area in the U.S. where being gay is considered against God’s will.
Perhaps most importantly, it’s the accurate portrayals of this community that have helped society embrace the real life gays and lesbians and transgendered folks we meet at work or in the grocery store. The same goes for all the POCs listed above – Brandy proved that she, too, could be a Disney princess in Cinderella (and get the handsome Filipino prince), America Ferrera inspired Latinas in both Gotta Kick It Up! and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants as a smart, confident young lady, and Regina King showed in American Crime that wearing a hijab might just be a superpower to become a badass who never gives up on seeking justice. These characters don’t fall into negative stereotypes that have long been shown in film and TV, which can subsequently give viewers a false sense of these minority groups. If you’re a white woman living in a small town in Alabama where the population is 95% white and all you see are black people on TV who are gangsters and drug dealers, I’m going to assume there’s at least a small part of you (if not whole) that believes this stereotype to be true of all black folks. Whether you realize it or not, the negative portrayal of minorities leads to invisible (and possibly outright) racism, sexism, homophobia, etc., which is why we need to keep having conversations like #FirstTimeISawMe.
Not only do we get to see others’ personal experiences with representation in media, but it’s a reminder that when you forget about skin color for just one moment, these are people just like the people in your bubble, who are going through similar trials and tribulations. That’s not to say we should be completely colorblind, but rather encourage the acceptance and appreciation of all cultures, no matter how different they are from our own.
I’m grateful that I live in a time where I can see Filipinos (and minorities as a whole) being portrayed in an accurate light on screen, and it gives me positive reinforcement that we aren’t an afterthought. That we, too, have a place in this society, despite what the horrible actions and hate crimes of other Americans may say. It provides an intangible sense of belonging that no travel ban or affirmative action law can change. It gives us the ability to open up the dialogue and insist that there is always room for representation of all people on TV and film. Despite knowing all this, we can always do better. We have to do better. And we have the power to do so. If you’re a storyteller, tell your unique story to the masses. Pen a script. Direct a movie. Write a blog post. Yeah, Representation Is Important. And who better to represent us than, well, us?
At 30 years old, I haven’t had this much trouble dressing myself since I was a toddler in the 1900s -and we have internet listicles to blame. Everywhere I look it’s “30 Things You Need To Toss By 30” and “20 Things Women Over 30 Should Stop Wearing Immediately.” Job interview suit? Apparently I should trade it in for some big pants. Body-con dresses? Not my style – but if they were, it would be time to swap it for one that goes all the way down my back for some reason.
I hate to generate more confusion for my 30-and-up pals, but I can write things on the internet, too. Here are the 30 things that I, personally, think you should stop wearing by age 30.:
1. One Half Of A Locket You Were Given At Birth Before You Were Sent To The Orphanage
Hire a private investigator, Ashley. Make a shareable Facebook post. WHATEVER. It’s time.
2. An Ebenezer Scrooge-Style Nightcap
You know those long floppy hats people used to sleep in in the 1700s? SUCH a 20s move. Unless you work in a living history museum or your head is chilly or you like it.
3. Bug Spray
We’re old now. Just let the bugs bite you. Winter will fall soon enough.
4. A Cursed Gemstone
You’ve GOT to get that thing exorcised, Jessica. We’ve told you.
5. Moon Shoes As Regular Shoes
Have I wanted shoes that were tiny trampolines for my feet since 1995? Yes. Do I wear them to the office? No, Brittany. The rest of us DO NOT WEAR THEM TO THE OFFICE.
6. Masks On Regular Days
If you wear a mask, and it’s not Halloween or Mardi Gras or a costume party or V for Vendetta, and there’s not medical reason, I’m going to think you have something to hide — and that thing is your face.
7. Your Prom Dress, To Work
8. Your Work Dress, To Prom
9. Brass Knuckles But Made Of Ring Pops
Although getting hit by candy-slobber might be even worse than getting straight-up hit with brass knuckles. Never mind. As you were.
10. Stolen Clothing
Not that I necessary believe in bad karma, but I do and this is.
11. A Smile On Command
Anyone who tells you to smile deserves a frown.
12. Your Childhood D.A.R.E. Shirt, Ironically
They were so earnest, you know?
13. A Skirtless Bathing Suit
Like how little boys would be breeched in Victorian times or how marriageable girls would wear their hair up… also in Victorian times, skirted bathing suits are a fashion rite of passage. Nothing hides a three-decades-old butt like the world’s smallest skirt. I don’t make the rules.
[Note: I find bathing suit skirts cute. It’s happening.]
14. Pants
Oh, you can wear them, but we have to call them slacks now.
15. Old Lady Makeup From A Play
On stage, fine. Off stage, we are TOO OLD FOR THIS. Someone could really think you’ve lived a lot of years.
16. A BE -FRI Necklace If You Aren’t Still ST -ENDS With Whoever Has The Other Half
No one wants to be the ST -ENDS so I assume you’re not wearing that.
17. Your Friend’s Glasses To See How They Look
Why do you keep trying on your friends’ glasses to see how they look when you know you can only see a blur? Molly. You’ve done this since you were 5. Learn a lesson.
[I’m Molly, yes.]
18. A Character Costume As A Disney Guest
This is actually real. Adult guests cannot dress up as characters at Disney. To think I’ll never experience the Bibidi Bobidi Boutique…
Cookies + Sangria 