Fantasy Cute Animal Bowl

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE BIG GAME THIS WEEKEND??? And by ‘Big Game’ I clearly mean the Puppy Bowl and the Kitty Bowl.

For the past few years, there’s been an alternate match for those who aren’t too interested in annual event which involves all the throwing of the pigskin and barbarians kicking each others’ butts (name that ref). These particular games involve cute animals playing around on a football field and captured for all of America (the internet?) to see. Since I’m not much of a football connoisseur, I figured my talent and time would be wasted on figuring out who’s going to win the actual Super Bowl (is Katy Perry an option?). Instead, I’ve made my own fantasy football-type list and drafted some of the cutest (read: best names) nuggets participating in this year’s Puppy and Kitten Bowl – if they were on the same team and playing against… IDK some goats or penguins?


Oh Chicklet, what big ears you have! The better to hear oncoming opponents, my dear. And as opposed to the gum Chiclet, this little dude lasts longer than flavor goes away in 1 minute.

Aaron Pawdgers


Aaron Pawdgers is my secret weapon. He’s a killer quarterback, but also, like Tony Romo before him, he has a gorge girlfriend, Olivia Mutt, that will probably be able to distract some of the other players.


Ok, so Cara might not be the most enthusiastic about the game, but like April Ludgate, she cares about her friends and work deep, deep deep down inside.

 William “The Litterbox” Purry


If you’re wondering why William’s nickname is The Litterbox, it’s because he’ll bury the little shits on the other team with ease.


Bryan Adams

Too bad about his divorce from Mandy Moore. Oh, that’s RYAN Adams? This is the dog that sang Everything I Do. 

Ryan Fitzcatrick


Careful of this Ryan. He’s a Halfcat. The other half is a badass.



“Papi may play coy, but he’s got a few tricks up his sleeve. Look for him to complete a few sneak plays.” This is the face that does sneaky plays.

Mr. Meowgi


Believe it or not, Mr. Meowgi has some special martial arts moves that he’s gonna defo break out during the game.


Miss Martian

IF UFOs and aliens are on Miss Martian’s side, we really can’t go wrong.



I mean. Steve. This kitty’s name is Steve.



Things I’m Willing To Believe About Tom Brady

If you’ve come here looking for actual facts about Tom Brady, keep looking. I have to make up Tom Brady in my mind, based on the 2 or 3 actual things I know about him and the way his face is. I have to do this because I’m not a huge fan of football in general (Dillon Panthers/Lions aside), and the Patriots in particular. Still, as Brady prepares for his sixth Super Bowl appearance on Sunday, it’s time to talk Tom Brady.

As you know, I have baseless concepts of certain celebrities. I am willing to believe that Ben Affleck is a Boston bro-mensch, and I am willing to believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is a totally rad 90s teen armed with a Nerf Super-Soaker and a bottle of Sunny D. As for Tom Brady? I am willing to believe that he’s apple-cheeked and squeaky clean, even though I realize that most professional athletes aren’t that way. Basically, I picture the 2015, adult man version of an impish little boy from the 1950s. Which means I’m willing to believe the following:

  • Tom Brady’s childhood photos are being used as the mold for the first male American Girl doll.
  • His face is also the inspiration for the little boy on a can of organic oatmeal sold somewhere clean and wholesome. Like Finland.

    I mean I think this is a WPA ad but you get the gist.

  • When you ask Tom Brady how he takes his coffee, he answers “oh, just some raw sugar and milk that comes in a glass bottle. That I get delivered. From a farm.”


  • Just kidding he doesn’t consume “hard drinks.”


  • While we’re on morning foods, whenever Tom Brady eats cereal he plates it like one of those “well-balanced breakfast”s of 90s TV ads, complete with fruit, orange juice, eggs and toast.
  • Tom Brady does puzzles for fun.


  • And play dominoes.


  • Tom Brady literally laughs out loud at Peanuts comics

    This part breaks his heart every time.

  • In the corner of Brady’s bedroom, there’s a basket of socks. They’re waiting to go back to his mother to darn.


  • On the whole, he really stores a LOT of his stuff in baskets.

    Like puppies.


  • Speaking of which, sometimes he bikes to the grocery store and returns with a baguette and a bouquet of flowers in his bicycle basket, like somebody buying groceries in the “after” segment of a Cymbalta commercial.


  • How does Tom Brady warm up his throwing arm? Why, playing fetch with shelter dogs, of course.  And they’re all somehow, like, beagles and golden retrievers.

    He didn’t even KNOW this dog. It just gravitated toward him.

  • When he tries to go to bed early before a big game, sometimes his wife catches him reading chapter books under the covers with a flashlight.


  • If you’re a lady walking somewhere with Tom Brady, he WILL walk on the curb side.


  • Tom loves meeting up with really old guys, like super old, and just talking about their lives.


  • You might have thought it was unusual – though not necessarily bad – that Tom Brady’s daughter is named Vivian Lake. But it’s because, in Tom’s words, “I named the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful place in the world.” Lake Vivian was the pond at Brady’s beloved summer camp.


  • That was after he was shot down for wanting to “name the most beautiful girl in the world after the most beautiful girl in the world” – not his wife Giselle Bundchen, but his sixth-grade crush, Stacey Marie.


  • Tom Brady rides children’s scooters while wearing a newsboy cap.


  •  I’m willing to believe that because it’s true:
  •  On the off season, Brady likes to have a “Sunday evening wind-down.” Which involves brownie sundaes and reruns of Little House on the Hallmark Channel.


  • And the only time – the ONLY time – that he has used the word “bitch” was in reference to Nellie Olsen.


  • The only Rated R movies Tom Brady is interested in are Westerns.


  • You know how nobody throws pizza parties any more? Well, Tom Brady throws Pizza Parties. And the two-liters are always ice cold.


  • Remember how once in a great, great while your elementary school would have a “surprise pizza party?” Every couple weeks Brady funds one of those (anonymously, of course).


Parenthood Owes Me Money For Tissues

Tomorrow marks the end of an era. After six seasons, our beloved Parenthood comes to an end. It’s been a rocky road over the past few years, and I’m not just talking about the fact that it could’ve been cancelled by NBC at any given second. No, I’m talking about the literal ups and downs this show has taken us in just this little sliver of a peek into the Braverman family history.

“When are we going to know? I need to get off this roller coaster.” – Sarah Braverman having a meta moment while talking about Joel and Julia’s relationship status

Creator Jason Katims has nailed down the subgenre of “Shows That Make You Super Emotional And Attached To Fictional Characters In An Unreasonable Way”, and this is no different. You’ve witnessed it in Friday Night Lights, and you’ve witnessed it with Parenthood. I mean, this guy fucks with your heart so much that it should probably be a crime by now (An example taken from the series finale, which is aptly titled “May God Bless and Keep You Always,” a lyric from Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young,” the show’s theme song. LIKE CAN U NOT).

In saying that, Parenthood is known for its emotional storylines. It’s known for eliciting an unexpected and unmentionable amount of tears. When I went to the PaleyFest panel for the show a couple of years ago, they actually handed out packets of tissues with the Parenthood logo on them. That’s how synonymous crying is with this damn show. Every week, there’s at least one emotional scene where you find yourself with tears in your eyes. Because I’m a crier by nature, this stat is higher for me.

“I think that Parenthood is a good litmus test to see if you’re emotionally okay. If you tune in… and you don’t laugh a little bit, and cry a little bit, you might be a sociopath. You might need professional help.” – Peter Krause on the psychological impact of the show.

And while there have been many scenes that have made our eyes well up, I’ve picked my personal favorites that make me cry just thinking about them. I’m sure the entirety of the series finale will be added to this list, but for now, let’s focus on the magic moments from the past six seasons that will stay in our hearts forever. Like Dawson Leery before her, this is ranked on a scale of 1 to 5 Crying Ambers, 1 being a little tear up in the eyeball region, while 5 is straight up ugly cry pray to Jesus that no one ever sees you.

Thank you Parenthood. We laughed, we cried, we learned more about ourselves. But mostly we cried. So thank you.

*possible spoilers ahead if you’re not caught up. in chronological order! and a lot of mae whitman because she’s the best crier in the world*

Season 2, Episode 17: Amber yells at Seth

1 Crying Amber

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Seth comes back and tries to assimilate back into the family in a totally normal way as if nothing’s wrong and he hasn’t been absent from the kids’ lives, but Amber totally calls him out on it, and you can tell she’s letting out years of frustration in one fell swoop.

 Season 2, Episode 22: Zeek confronts Amber after she gets in a car accident

5 Crying Ambersamber crying 5

Amber’s lowest point comes when she spirals into a drunken depression and gets into a super bad car accident. Luckily she survives and has to face the wrath of Zeek Braverman. He brings her to the junkyard where her totaled car is, and says a line that marked the first time I had really broke down and ugly cried while watching the show:

“I dreamt you, Amber. You do not have permission to mess with my dreams.”

Turns out that the brilliant Craig T. Nelson rewrote that speech on the spot and Mae had no idea what he was going to say. They did it in one take, and that’s the take they used.

Season 3, Episode 4: Alex says a final goodbye to Kristina

4 Crying Ambers

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Haddie’s first real boyfriend, Alex (played by the smokeshow that is Michael B. Jordan), is, on paper, the total opposite from Haddie. When their differences become too glaringly incompatible, he breaks up with her. But when he says goodbye to Kristina, you realize that Alex needed to be a part of this family as much as Haddie needed to love and lose the first boy that completely changed her world. And the Bravermans changed his world too.

Season 3, Episode 17: Julia realizes Zoe isn’t giving her the baby to adopt

5 Crying Ambers

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Despite being all, ‘hey if you’re not using that baby’, and Zoe ‘agreeing’ to give Joel and Julia her kid, Zoe changes her mind at the last minute to raise the child by herself. The moment where Julia realizes the time and effort and heart she’s put into the baby she thought would soon be hers, wouldn’t be going home with her – Julia shatters into a million pieces.

Season 4, Episode 1: Haddie leaves for college

4 Crying Ambers

amber crying 4Before all this Kristina stuff goes on, she and Adam send their first born off to college, thousands of miles away from Berkley to Cornell in upstate New York. A lot of us can relate to this, which is why this scene is so important. So when she says goodbye to her family, she knows it’s the end of an era, and things will never be exactly the same again.

Season 4, Episode 5: Adam talks to Haddie about Kristina’s diagnosis

3 Crying Ambers
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Woof. The whole Krisina cancer storyline is a doozy, but the beginning of the arc brings a lot of tears. From Kristina silently confirming to Adam she has cancer, to this scene where Adam has no choice to talk about her diagnosis with his college-aged daughter, these scenes were always hard to take. But the great thing to take away is that Peter Krause is such an incredible actor. In just this phone conversation alone he perfectly portrays a man who is just trying to keep it together.

Season 4, Episode 5: Kristina tells the family she has cancer

5 Crying Ambers

amber crying 5

This is perhaps the most memorable scene in the entire series. Everything about it is perfect. The family is all gathered and Kristina finally has to tell them she has cancer. It starts with us hearing her say, ‘I have something to tell you’, and the sound goes out. The camera pans to all the family members, and because each actor knows their character so well, they each respond to the news differently. I think my favorite is when the camera goes to Crosby, and he looks like he’s in shock, mainly because he had been giving Adam a hard time about the business, and now he realizes how much of an ass he’s been while he’s been dealing with Kristina’s diagnosis. And he does it in one single stare.

Season 4, Episode 11: Adam watches the video Kristina made in case she dies

5 Crying Ambers

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Kristina suffers a setback in her cancer battle, and in the event something went awry, she decides to make a video for her family. The result is another brilliant scene from Peter Krause, but also one that will tear you to bits.

Season 4, Episode 14: Crosby consoles Julia about adopting Victor

2 Crying Ambers

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For some reason, Crosby and Julia never get a lot of screentime with just the two of them. But this scene features the two babies of the family, with the usually unreliable black sheep of the family, Crosby, assuring smart, perfect lawyer Julia that she’s a better mom than she thinks she is, and that he’s admired her strength for years.

Season 4, Episode 13: Drew comes crying to Sarah after Amy’s abortion

3 Crying Ambers

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After Drew’s girlfriend Amy finally decides to get an abortion, we see Drew having a really hard time coping with it, and he finally lets it all out by just going to Sarah’s house and sobbing in her arms. It’s a realization that while he may not have been ready to be a father, there was still a part of him that thought he could.

Season 4, Episode 15: Joel and Julia officially adopt Victor

4 Crying Ambers

amber crying 4

This is the scene that makes you want to become a Braverman.

“Beautiful family you have.” – Judge

“They’re something aren’t they?” – Zeek Braverman

*Didn’t realize this until I rewatched the clip, but the judge is totally the guy who played the Stars Hollow Rabbi in Gilmore Girls.

Season 5, Episode 10: Ryan tells Amber he’s re-enlisting

3 Crying Ambers

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 Literally as soon as Ryan gets back from duty, he asks Amber to marry her. But after a while, his demons get the best of him, and instead of facing real life and a future with Amber, he decides to re-enlist instead, leaving an extremely stunned Amber speechless and beyond mad, and Ryan numbed from the pain.

Season 5, Episode 18: Kristina comforts Max when he realizes he’s different

5 Crying Ambers

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Max realizes that kids treat him differently because of his Aspberger’s, but doesn’t comprehend why they’re treating him like crap. But the heartbreaking part of this scene is seeing Kristina and Adam, who are not only unable to properly give Max an acceptable reason, but are so frustrated that there’s not much they can do to change it.

Season 5, Episode 21: Kristina says goodbye to Gypsy

4 Crying Ambers

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I know her name on the show is Gwen, but she will forever by Gypsy from Gilmore Girls. Anyways, Kristina became friends with Gwen while they were both receiving chemo treatments, and because Parenthood isn’t one to ignore what happens in real life, Kristina has to give one (teary) final goodbye to her friend, who is nearing the end of a losing battle with cancer.

Season 5, Episode 22: Zeek and Camille slow dancing in the empty house

3 Crying Ambers
amber crying 3

It took some cajoling, but Zeek and Camille finally sold their iconic house. And while we’ve been with that home for five seasons, Zeek and Camille had been its occupants for decades as they raised their kids and grandkids. One of the final shots in the house is the outline of the two heads of the Braverman clan slow dancing in an empty room, acknowledging both the good times that happened there, and the new memories they’ll make in their new home.

Season 6, Episode 10: THE ENTIRE EPISODE

10 Crying Ambers

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WHERE TO FREAKING BEGIN. The entire opening slow-motion montage of all the kids getting the call Zeek was in the hospital (gave me goosebumps). Drew crying in the car after it wouldn’t start. Julia calling Joel her ‘husband’, the makeshift baby shower for Amber where the women give her advice? Honestly cried through 90% of that episode. It was one of the roughest hours of television, ever.

Season 6, Episode 12: Amber names her son Zeek

3 Crying Ambers
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Hogwarts Goes Hollywood: Harry Potter Actors As Disney Characters

Disney and Harry Potter, the entertainment franchises that brought magic to our childhood (and, um, teens and 20s), are now at one. Emma Watson – Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies – will be playing Belle in a live-action version of Beauty And The Beast! Belle was always my favorite Disney princess because she liked books. I had the redhead solidarity thing with Ariel, but even at age five I was like “Ariel, girl, get a grip. You look desperate.” But I digress. The Harry Potter movies were full of amazing actors, and the Disney movies have a bunch of awesome characters. Emma Watson as Belle is a good start, but I think we could make this a regular thing:

Alfie Enoch as Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid

Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid needs to be so dreamy that a mermaid –  whose greatest joy is singing  – gives her voice to a sea-witch so that she can get legs and like… hang out with him silently in a rowboat. Sounds like an awesome date. See what I mean about Ariel? Anyway, when I think “Hogwarts Dreamboat,” I think Alfie Enoch.

Rupert Grint as John Smith, Pocahontas

Ron Weasley had a lot of strong points, but he was sort of a borderline bro sometimes. The Disney version of that is John Smith in Pocahontas. He’s an imperialist dumb-dumb, but he’s so dopey that you can’t really hate him. There’s that spark of goodness in Ron, too, so we know that Rupert could balance the character’s likability with his more annoying traits.

Tom Felton as Hans, Frozen

Oh, Draco. You loved to hate him. For the character to work, the actor had to convey enough smoothness so that you believe that all of his teachers don’t absolutely hate him. Likewise, Hans has to SEEM like a nice guy to enough people that you don’t spend the whole movie going “uh, this jerk.” Just as it takes a smart actor to play a dumb person, it takes a nice actor to play a mean person. I think Felton’s up to the task.

Evanna Lynch as Rapunzel, Tangled

Luna Lovegood is one of my favorite Harry Potter characters. In both the books and the movies, she’s got a few screws loose but she’s not a one-note joke of a person. She has real feelings and, even though she’s a bit of a whackadoo, she’s smart and brave. Disney-wise, this is Rapunzel from Tangled. She’s not a floaty, sweet gal like Snow White or Cinderella – she’s a weirdo who hangs out with a chameleon. Both characters aren’t socially … you know, off …. by accident – they both had childhoods that meant they couldn’t quite fit in.

Alan Rickman as Scar, The Lion King

I get that Alan Rickman is a human person, not a lion. But otherwise, he’s proven that he can play a creepy avuncular villain. (Or, not villain, but admit it, for a while you really thought so!) They could just use those weird costumes from the Broadway musical or whatever.

Whomping Willow as Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas

Stunt casting? Eh, maybe, but who else are they going to get?

Jessie Cave as Those Triplets Who Were All Up On Gaston, Beauty And The Beast

Lavender Brown WAS the Hogwarts version of those hussies who were Gaston fangirls. I know there’s only one of her but they have to make a humanoid monster and dancing cups, I’m sure they can turn one person into three people.

Julie Walters as Mrs. Potts, Beauty And The Beast

Molly Weasley IS Mrs. Potts.

Hogsmeade as Belle’s Quaint Village, Beauty And The Beast

Hogsmeade, UK and Poor Provincial Town, France clearly had the same city planners.

30 Before 30

Last year, I was talking to my friend about life goals and what not, and she mentioned that she was planning to do something called 30 Before 30, which is basically a bucket list of goals to accomplish before turning 30 in the next year. I’ve always been one for bucket lists. Before I left Boston, I made a list of all the places I wanted to go that I hadn’t been able to go to in the years that I lived there. I’ve even exchanged New Year’s resolutions in favor of a life bucket list. So I decided to make a 30 Before 30 bucket list of my own.

Since I turn 29 on the 27th (tomorrow), I’ve decided to use that date as a starting point for my 30 Before 30, having exactly one year to accomplish as much as I can until I turn the “Big 3-0”. For the 30 things on my list, I tried not to just pick things that I’ve wanted or been meaning to do, but things that I feel like will help me as I enter the next age bracket of my life. While 30 isn’t as “old” as it used to be, I still feel like there’s a certain level of adulthood I should reach before entering my third decade of life. So here are just a few of the items on my list – I didn’t want to put all of them, even though I know this is a completely safe space, but also for brevity. We have jobs and lives to get back to. I’ll be documenting my 30 Before 30 now and then on the blog, so watch this space if you’re interested in seeing how my attempt as a real adult goes!

Do you guys have bucket lists like this?

Learn to make 3 new dishes

When I cook dinner, it’s not really anything special. The less ingredients the better. I blame this on account of my frugality and laziness, but I’m hoping to change that (the laziness, at least I can control). I figure if I master at least 3 good dishes, it can be my go to for parties and what not. Sushi is probs my favorite food, so another one of the things on my list is learn how to make sushi. And conveniently, I would also like to have a dinner party, so all this just fits right together.

Go somewhere I’ve never gone before

Photo Jan 17, 4 12 58 PM

If I won the lottery today, I would use it to pay off all my debts, do some other things with it, and then travel. Anywhere my heart desires – possibly even in first class! Living in LA, you kind of get stuck in the… LA-ness of it, and it’s good for your sanity to get out every once in a while. I usually spend my vacation time in the same places, mainly back home on the east coast. But there are so many other places to go that won’t break the bank. Although I said I would start this thing on my birthday, I’ve cheated on a few things already, this being one of them. A few of my friends and I recently went up to Napa Valley for a brief, yet completely successful and fulfilling weekend, and it was glorious. It was my first time in that area, and let me tell you – Napa is everything it’s cracked up to be, folks.

Travel somewhere by myself

Speaking of which, I feel all Eat Pray Love/Wild about this, in that going on a trip by yourself is necessary in life. I’m an only child and independent by nature, so the thought of this doesn’t sound scary or intimidating, as I imagine it would be to some people. This sounds delightful to me and I have yet to figure out where said trip will be.

Volunteer 20 hours

I used to volunteer a lot growing up. Forgetting the fact that in high school a lot of it was required, I actually enjoyed volunteering, and did it throughout college. For a while there I even wanted to work for a non-profit. I really want to get back into it, and I’ve had some attempts in the past couple of years, but I’m actually making a goal of 20 hours to fill, which is really not even that much.

Get a massage

I’m gonna be real with y’all – I don’t necessarily find it appealing when complete strangers touch me, especially if I’m half naked. Is that completely unreasonable? But I’m going to try to let that go in favor of comfort and relaxation.

Go see at least 5 movies in the theater

I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. And like I mentioned earlier, I am a frugal person. Unless it’s a movie I really want to see in the theater, I will wait until it comes to Netflix and I receive it as part of my subscription. However, working in entertainment news, it’s usually helpful to know what I’m writing about, and not just basic facts about them. I’m not gonna lie to you – I already have my first movie lined up. And it’s the Backstreet Boys documentary, which comes out on Friday.

Watch 5 “classic” movies

To go along with that, I’ve written about my Pop Culture Blind Spots before, and I’m going to make an effort to actually sit down and watch some of them. We’ll start with the black and white classics… Star Wars will have to wait.

Donate clothes I haven’t worn in a year

I have been meaning to do this for years, and now’s a better time than any to actually follow through. Part of this involves re-organizing my closet, which I’ve already done and am super excited about. But this whole – I’m saving this just in case I need it for a Halloween costume – thing, isn’t working.

Read 3 new books

Again, I am a TV person. I watch all the TV. Thus leaving me with little time to sit and read. Hell, I barely have time to catch up on my Entertainment Weekly issues. As for reading actual books, I find that I read the most when I’m traveling, since there’s nothing else to do. I used to read all the time when I rode the subway in Boston, but now, I have to like pay attention to the road when I’m driving and stuff. Also, I have a tendency to just re-read books – I don’t need to read Harry Potter again (I mean I could and should, but I shan’t). But I’ve set a realistic goal for myself and hopefully I can finish three new books by 2016.

Go to 10 new restaurants

Like my go-to books, I have go to restaurants, and it’s time to change that. I’ve been compiling a list of eateries in LA that I’ve been wanting to go to, and 10 seems like a reasonable number. I will just have to force my friends into going to all new venues.

Explore 5 new places in LA

LA’s a big city, and while I’ve lived here for just over five years now, there’s still plenty more to see. You get stuck living in the bubble of your home neighborhood and work neighborhood, and any little pockets that your frequent. I never make it down to the West side or like Venice (as seen above) or Santa Monica or anything over there, mainly because there’s no reason for me to. Sans Dunkin Donuts, of course. But it’s time I start taking advantage of what’s around me.

Clean out email

I’m at 19% of 15 GB used on my Gmail, which I’ve had since 2006. That number may seem low, but you should see my inbox (don’t). It’s time I start cleaning shit out.

Pay for someone’s coffee 5 times

Pay it forward. Be kind to one another. All that jazz.

Take a photo or video each day

This is not a new thing. I’m going to see if I can keep it up. Instead of posting it every day, I’ll hopefully keep it up and compile everything into a handy video/slideshow on my 30th.

** Important note: I will promise to donate $10 to charity for every item on my list not completed


The Buffalo Weather vs. The Washington Megans: NFL Teams, Renamed

By 2017, the Washington Redskins had exhausted all excuses for their team name. “It’s not about PEOPLE, it’s about SKINS.” “Some potatoes have red skin and they’re not offended.” “When you think about it, it’s just a color plus a body part. If we were called the Purple Hairs or the Grey Jowls, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.”

But they were having that discussion, and everyone was sick of it. The Redskins threw a Hail Mary pass – not on the field, they are not good in 2017 – but in the court… of public discourse. “We’ll change our name if everybody changes their names.”

To their surprise, the rest of the NFL was on board. It was a chance to sell merch, and some of the other teams realized that even if their names weren’t offensive yet, they would be sooner or later. On the first Sunday of the regular season, 2018, the Washington Megans squared off against the Buffalo Weather. And the Cleveland Oranges against the Kansas City Chefs.

Here’s how some of those new names came to be:

The Baltimore Ravens are now The Baltimore Hop-Frogs

The fact that the original team name was a literary reference – To Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven, of course –  was so badass that the Ravens organization was loathe to change it. But why not look further into the Poe canon and find a work that’s even spookier than The Raven? Enter The Hop-Frog, a short story about a court jester who convinces a group of royals to dress as monkeys then sets them alight, burning them to death.

The Raven, in contrast, was just a bird talking some shit.

The Buffalo Bills are now The Buffalo Weather

The same question plagued the Bills organization for years. What even is a BILL? When a quick survey of the naming committee revealed that nobody – not one person – had met a menacing Bill, they knew they had to come up with something that would strike fear in their opponents.

Then they hit on it. What could be more terrifying, more dangerous, more unpredictable than the Buffalo Weather?

The Cincinnati Bengals are now The Cincinnati Parisiens

Did you know that in the 1800s they used to call Cincinnati “The Paris Of America?” Think about it for a sec. Calling anything the something of somewhere always sounds like it’s either almost an insult or almost a compliment. But Cincinnati – sick of being considered basically the city version of a mom haircut – decided to aim high. With their new team name, Cinci reclaimed its connection to the proud – some would say TOO proud, snooty even – city of Paris.

The Cleveland Browns are now The Cleveland Oranges

Nobody in the Browns organization knew why a team choosing to name itself after a color – already an iffy concept – would also chose to name itself after the WORST color: brown, the color of poop and dirt. However, they were unwilling to repaint the entire stadium and redesign all of their merchandise. So Cleveland chose to keep the same team colors – orange and brown – but named itself after the one that isn’t the disappointment of the color wheel.

The Dallas Cowboys are now The Dallas East Dillon Lions

Dallas put its team name to popular vote, and the people got what they wanted: a team named after the greatest football players in Texas history. The Dallas Tami Taylors lost by a close margin, because Tami Taylor is the truest embodiment of the phrase “don’t mess with Texas.”

The Houston Texans are now The Houston Austins

Look. Texas knows that outsiders’ favorite part of Texas is Austin. It’s not stupid. It also knows that Austin is never going to get its act together to organize a football team. Lord knows it tried. They had meetings and practices and everything, and the result was a mural, a community garden, and a podcast. So, the Texans organization went for the next-best thing, and named the Houston team after the team all of the non-Texans wish existed.

The Indianapolis Colts are now The Indianapolis Adult Horses

Have you ever seen a colt? Cute as hell, but all wobbly on its spindly little legs. Not exactly the name for a football powerhouse. The Colts naming committee wanted to convey an animal with a little bit more power, strength, and maturity. Bam. The Indianapolis Adult Horses.

The Minnesota Vikings are now The Minnesota Ikeas

The Vikings team name was a tribute to Minnesota’s proud Scandinavian heritage. Even more than the Vikings, which Nordic export can confound a grown man into a blubbering mess of tears? IKEA FURNITURE. The new mascot is a confusing diagram on legs –  picture the Bill from Schoolhouse Rock – named the Ikea Directions.

The Kansas City Chiefs are now The Kansas City Chefs

The new Chiefs owner, who is not good at spelling, in fact terrible at spelling, hated dealing with the “i before e” thing in Chiefs. Behind his back, his staff had taken to calling the team the Kansas City Chefs after his most frequent misspelling. As a joke, they all voted for this as the new name… and it won.

Unfortunately, the owner tends to spell it “shefs” now.

The New York Giants are now The New York New Jerseys

The team plays in New Jersey. Everyone knows that this is weird. The organization is just acknowledging it.

The New England Patriots are now The Boston Safety Schools

It seemed awfully ridiculous that most other teams belong to a single city – hell, New York has TWO – yet the Patriots are supposed to represent an entire region. The committee did away with that and just named them for the nearest major metro area. Then, okay, what’s to love about Boston? A lot! Some of the best colleges in the country are in Boston, and so are some of the very good colleges everyone applies to in case they don’t get into those.  Boston may be home to more beloved safety schools than any other city in the country, and it should be proud.

Besides, knocking Harvard down a peg seemed like a pretty Boston thing to do.

The Philadelphia Eagles are now The Philadelphia Iggles

The Eagles organization looked to other Philadelphia teams for inspiration, but got sidetracked discussing the Phillies mascot, the Philly Phanatic. “What’s with this thing where the Phillies have to spell EVERYTHING with a ‘PH?’ It’s annoying. Just spell it like you say it!,” Todd said. It’s not important who Todd is, but this guy is always named Todd.

“Spell it like you say it…” Keith repeated. Freaking Keith.

“Spell it like you say it…” said Don. I’m pretty sure there would be a Don.

And the Philadelphia Iggles were born.

The New York Jets are now The New York Giants

With the Giants renamed to reflect the fact that these guys for real play in New Jersey, the Giants’ name was up for grabs. The Jets knew that a Giant is actually pretty cool, with potential for an awesome mascot and logo that the original Giants never really took advantage of. So they snatched up that name and became the New York Giants.

It’s very confusing and everybody hates it.

The Oakland Raiders are now The Oakland Haircuts

Sometimes, a team knows that it is in the most shining moment in its history. The Chicago Bulls knew it when Jordan was playing, and the Yankees knew it with Babe Ruth. The hybrid bowl cut-mullet sported by Raiders owner Mark Davis? Yeah, the organization’s never going to see another one like that:So, the Oakland Haircuts it is.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are now The Pittsburgh Best Buy Reebok Dairy Queens

They got sort of carried away with the corporate sponsors.

The Seattle Seahawks are now The Seattle Fleece

What’s a Seattle stalwart that forges through bitter winds, driving rain and winter chill? Like, I GUESS their football team, but mostly zip-up fleeces. Guaranteed, if you walk through the streets of Seattle you will see 1000 North Face zip-ups for every one seahawk. And that’s a conservative estimate.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now The Tampa Bay Nanas

The Buccaneers had spreadsheets and whiteboards all blank and ready. The committee met to discuss what everyone’s favorite things about Tampa were. But really, all anyone likes about Tampa is their Nana who lives there in the winter.

The Washington Redskins are now The Washington Megans

The Redskins had the most at stake in the Great NFL Name Change. All eyes were on them to choose a name that was, at the very least, not racist. After hours of debate, a quiet and exceptionally average-looking committee member spoke up. Like, almost aggressively average, if that makes sense.

“Before I was born, my parents had a lot of trouble coming up with a name. They, too, were afraid of offending someone. See, they couldn’t pick a name from either side of the family, because the other side would get hurt feelings. They couldn’t use a name any of their friends had used on their kids, because that would be stealing. My dad didn’t want anything too fancy, but my mom didn’t want anything too cutesy. By the time they went to the hospital, they still didn’t have a name. But once I was born, my father took one look at my little face, eyes opening to the world for the first time, and said ‘I don’t know. Fucking… Megan?’ The point is, sometimes you just have to pick something.”

But the rest of the committee had already stopped listening to her by the end, and they sort of missed the point. “Fucking… Megan? Eh, good enough.”

And that’s how the Washington Megans got their name.

Where Are They Now: Lizzie McGuire

Confession: There was a period of time (my late high school and college years, mainly) when I was obsessed with Disney Channel. I was probably a little too old to fit in their target demographic. I blame this on the fact that we didn’t even get the channel until like 8th grade, so naturally I felt like I needed to catch up. And then when I did catch up, I was in too deep and couldn’t stop in the rabbit hole that is the DChan. This included their originally programming, such as Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens, Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, and DComs like Tru Confessions, Gotta Kick It Up! and all the High School Musicals. So this particular post is geared towards people who were born after 1990, or anyone who is a perpetual 13 year old.

Earlier this week, a photo of three former Lizzie McGuire cast members surfaced on the internet, as they reunited for Jake Thomas’ (Matt McGuire) 25th birthday. Yes, you read that right. I legit needed to mentally prepare myself before scrolling down to see what he looks like now, along with Miranda (Lalaine) and Ethan Craft (Clayton Snyder). So I suggest you do that too…




So this got me thinking, where are the other stars of Lizzie McGuire now? Click this vid and mentally prepare to feel old.

Matt McGuire played by Jake Thomas

Wondering why you haven’t heard of Jake Thomas since Lizzie? It’s because he’s a child actor success story. And who wants to hear about that? After the show ended, Jake had a recurring role on That’s So Raven spin-off Cory in the House, and has continued his acting career by taking more dramatic roles and appeared in a bunch of TV shows (ER, Criminal Minds, Secret Life of the American Teenager) and even Lifetime movies (Betrayed at 17). Jake also released an album called Now and Then in 2005. He’s an avid cyclist and photographer, and he currently goes to college in LA. As previously mentioned, Jake recently celebrated his birthday (even though he doesn’t turn the big 2-5 until next week), and he recently got glasses.

Jo McGuire played by Hallie Todd

Prior to Lizzie, Hallie already had a successful career as an actress, so being Hil Duff’s mom was one of the last regular projects she worked on. In 2012, she starred and co-wrote a horror film called The Mooring, which she wrote with her daughter, and was directed by her husband. They followed that up with a movie called The Fireman last year. Family bonding, y’all. She also has been running her own acting conservatory for kids and teens in LA.

Sam McGuire played by Robert Carradine

Coming from an acting family, Robert Carradine has naturally stayed in the business since Lizzie’s end, most recently appearing in Django Unchained and thrilling TV movie, Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda. He’s also about to start his third season as the host of trivia show King of the Nerds, because if you didn’t notice – bow tie.

Kate Sanders played by Ashlie Brillault

Ashlie’s acting career pretty much started and ended with Lizzie McGuire. She went to community college then transferred to Cal State Long Beach with a B.A. in Political Science and Government (with a 3.5 GPA), and went to grad school at the University of Denver’s Sturm College of Law, graduating with a J.D. in Constitutional Rights and Remedies (in between she worked as a server at both TGIFridays and Lucilles Smokehouse BBQ in Cerritos, California). She’s been a Legal Extern at the Medical Marijuana Industry Group and Colorado State Public Defender in Denver , and recently was a Student Attorney at the University of Denver Civil Rights Clinic. She is currently a volunteer at the ACLU in Los Angeles. Looks like Kate wasn’t just another dumb blonde after all.

Ethan Craft played by Clayton Snyder

Clayton grew up playing water polo, even playing throughout his time on Lizzie (are you even surprised by this?). After graduating high school, he went to Pepperdine University on a scholarship for water polo. While in college, he also performed in some dance showcase for three years, which should NOT be a surprise, judging by his sweet moves in the show. He graduated with honors with a B.A. in Film Studies in 2010. After that, he played professional water polo for the USA National Team, competing against teams all over the world. Now he’s back to acting and last year, appeared in a number of projects, including NCIS and Rules of Engagement. And like any working actor in LA – he works as a bartender at the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena.

Larry Tudgeman III played by Kyle Downes

Tudgeman!! He is currently 31 years old. What? Anyways, Kyle only added a few more acting credits to his name after Lizzie, including CSI: Miami and The L Word. But he has transitioned to a post behind the camera as a director, helming a few shorts, commercials, and even reality shows like Million Dollar Listing. He also goes by KJ Downes now, so change your online stalking appropriately. In 2011 there was a weird incident where there was a search party sent out to find him, but he came back and was all, ‘It’s cool brah. I just needed some time away’. Classic Tudge.

Miranda Sanchez played by Lalaine Vergara

Out of all the Lizzie child actors, Lalaine is the only one who veered off the road a bit. In 2007, she was arrested and charged with felony possession of meth (she was into breaking bad before it was cool). Despite pleading guilty to the crystal meth charge, her record was expunged after she finished a drug-treatment program. Fortunately, she’s been able to get her life together after that, appearing in a few movies, including Easy A. She also went to Jake’s birthday party, as seen above.

David “Gordo” Gordon played by Adam Lamberg

The mystery of ‘Where is Adam Lamberg’ has been haunting inquiring millennials for years, and it seems like we’re finally getting down to something. Save for a couple acting jobs after Lizzie, Adam quit showbiz and went to UC Berkeley, graduating with a Bachelor’s in Geography (of all things) in 2008.  He is currently the Development Associate at Irish Arts Center, and is also getting his masters in Public Administration at Baruch College in New York. His job also allows him to hang out with Jimmy Fallon. What a life.

Animated Lizzie

Probs still stuck in a TV somewhere, eating food bigger than her face and clumsily falling into inanimate objects.

Lizzie McGuire played by Hilary Duff

If you don’t know what HDuff’s been up to since she kissed Gordo in Rome, I don’t think we should be friends. But because I’m feeling generous, here’s what’s happened to her in a nutshell: she released a few more albums (hi Laguna Beach), had a threesome on Gossip Girl, created a clothing line and perfume, wrote a young adult novel, got married, had a qt baby, got divorced, walked around a lot, and is set to star in a new show called Younger. HDuff – better than your faves since ’01.

Documentaries That Consumed My Life on Netflix Instant

Over the past few years, I spend the time off during the holidays catching up on TV series I have been meaning to watch, but hadn’t had time to before. For instance, I watched Call the Midwife one time, because it was only one season, or my greatest accomplishment in binge-watching: all seven seasons of The West Wing in one month. That’s an hour-long (42ish minute) program, y’all. This year, I decided to watch Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown and couldn’t stop watching. To preface, I usually reserve my documentary watching for when I’m sick (idk why, tbh), but I was on this kick of following Tony to places I probably will never be able to go to otherwise, and are usually off the beaten path.

My addiction to Parts Unknown led to a spiral of watching the documentaries on my Instant list that had been waiting for me to press play for months or even years, and I finally got around to it. So, I’m here to share them with you. Whether you’re sick or need to pause from your Friends binge-ing, here are a few of my favorite documentaries I’ve watched over the past few years that you can watch on Netflix Instant right now.


Watch if you like: Friday Night Lights, football, underdog stories, Oscar-winning movies, crying

Elevator Pitch: A small, predominantly black, high school on the outskirts of Memphis has a football team with the worst record. A white coach who volunteers his time helps them to possible victory. But like FNL, it’s not really about football at all.

First Position

Watch if you like: Dance, ballet, seeing kids do things better than you

Elevator Pitch: The journey of six kids on their way to one of the biggest most important ballet competitions in the world. You’ll leave impressed with their dedication and inspired to do something with your life.


Watch if you like: Dance, ballet, First Position

Elevator Pitch: As opposed to aspiring young dancers, this one features four professional Russian dancers – and you’ll be glad you didn’t grow up in Russia.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi

Watch if you like: Sushi, Japan, food, elderly people

Elevator Pitch: If you love sushi, you’ll love this 85-year-old sushi master in Tokyo, who owns a world-renowned restaurant and the interesting relationship he has with his son and eventual heir.

Kings of Pastry

Watch if you like: France, Top Chef, pastries, cooking, stressful situations

Elevator Pitch: The French take the art of cooking seriously, and even hand out special medals/collars to distinguish the elite chefs from others – and the competition to win said prize involves years of dedication and endless amounts of patience.

Craigslist Joe

Watch if you like: Humanity

Elevator Pitch: A guy gives up pretty much all he has and travels around the country making money and sleeping in homes all found off Craigslist. The result is a surprisingly moving story proving that despite the fact we live in a diverse country with people who have vastly different views on life, it’s not hard to find the good in people.

Marina Abramovic: The Artist Is Present

Watch if you like: Art, performance art, any modern museum

Elevator Pitch: Marina Abamovic has been a top performance artist for decades, and this movie follows her acclaimed The Artist Is Present exhibit at New York’s MoMa, which is a retrospective on her career. It shows how she connects with new people through her piece in which she sits and stares at visitors, and also reconnects her with one of the biggest loves of her life.


Watch if you like: Politics, Mormons

Elevator Pitch: It doesn’t matter that you know how it ends. It also doesn’t matter if you voted for Mitt Romney or not. What matters is that this movie gives you an inside look of the day to day life of a Presidential campaign over the course of six years – and how it can all come crumbling down in one night.

Anything North Korea

Watch if you like: Asia, secret societies, investigative reporting, hidden cameras

Elevator Pitch: From Lisa Ling’s faux eye surgery documentary to Frontline‘s secret hidden cameras, these specials give you an inside look to one of the world’s most secretive and oppressive countries. Forget The Interview, these are the only North Korea movies you need to see.

Jesus Camp

Watch if you like: Fascination with Scientology, The Duggars

Elevator Pitch: These kids aren’t just regular kids – they’re kids who think they have prophetic powers and attend a Christian summer camp to learn how to become the next “Billy Graham” and “take back America for Christ”. Go into it knowing because of this movie – the camp closed.

Just Say YES: 80s & 90s Kids’ Shows That Made Drugs Look Fun

First things first: we would never tell children to do drugs. Children’s programs do it for us. Or did, anyway. Back when the front line of the War On Drugs was manned by a white lady named Nancy, kids’ shows told the youth of the nation to “just say no.” The problem: the drugs looked awesome. Was it because the show runners didn’t know what drugs looked like? Or were they just trying to show kids how hard it could be to resist peer pressure? Because I guarantee if these cartoons showed gross needles, or weed being smoked out of a dank Coke can, fewer kids would have wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Instead, the drugs looked awesome:

Punky Brewster

Punky’s got lessons. Don’t go all the way inside of a refrigerator. Your family is who loves you, not who abandons you in a supermarket. Someday, you’ll get a bra. And don’t do drugs, even though drugs look like the best candy in the world.

A group of girls invite Punky and Cherie into their clique, but only if they do drugs. I repeat: the girls invited Punky and Cherie to hang out in an amazing technicolor dream fort, and offered them free drugs. I’m not surprised that Punks did the right thing, I’m just confused why those girls wanted to be friends with her that hard.

Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue

This was an all-out failure of concept. When a young boy starts drinking beer and smoking dope ( I think they say “dope,” and I’m never 100% clear on what drug that’s supposed to be), his kid sis and a team of Cartoon All Stars gang up to teach him that there’s a better way.

That’s right, kids. If you do drugs, all your favorite cartoon characters will come over to hang.

In a way, though, this was the harshest punishment of all, because can you imagine being on drugs and then trying to deal with the fact that you were rolling with Alf, the Smurfs, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Garfield, the Muppet Babies – the freaking Muppet Babies – and the Ninja Turtles? While we’re at it, Ninja Turtles: the CONSTANT PIZZA? The slow, drawled out speech? Sitting around all day in a basement with your bros? Oh, come on.


I’ve seen episodes of Weeds that were less pro-drug than this. Earl and Robbie, the boy dinosaur who’s Dinosaurs’ answer to Eddie Winslow, find a plant that makes them all chill and happy, but then the next day all they can find is seeds and stems. So I guess the lesson here is that they should have had more drugs on hand. Anyway, the whole family turns amotivational and at the end, Robbie delivers an anti-drug speech. Or is it an anti-anti drug episode speech? “When one show does an anti-drug episode, other shows feel pressured to do one, too. […] [P]ut a stop to preachy sitcom endings like this one.” In sum, the writers room of Dinosaurs probably smelled like that one kid in your nighttime sociology class who always wore a Central American poncho.

Saved By The Bell

We all know and love the “I’m so excited.. I’m so scared!” scene, but it’s easy to forget how appealing that episode made drugs look to all those Type A kids out there. Like, if I do “caffeine pills,” I too can get tons of shit done? That sounds amazing. I think we can all assume that “caffeine pills” is a Saturday morning T.V. euphemism for speed or a less depressing version of meth.

Then, there was Johnny Dakota. He was a teen star who showed up to make an anti-drug P.S.A. with the kids of Bayside. The gang goes to a party at his place and learns that he does drugs himself. So, Johnny Dakota went back to his lifestyle of drug-fueled house parties and the Bayside kids went back to hanging out with their principal. Real good job there, Saved By The Bell.

Fresh Prince

Was speed really THAT big an issue for highly-motivated teenagers in the 90s? Like Spano, Carlton is a clean-cut honor roll type who falls prey to amphetamines. He gets the pills from Will, who is using them to keep up with his go-go lifestyle, and Carlton takes them thinking that they’re vitamins. I am now realizing that I took Sudafed to pull an all-nighter in law school a few times, and that I probably learned that little trick from 90s kids’ shows. I graduated Magna Cum Laude and I owe it all to what I know realize were drugs. These were either some hardcore amphetamines or Carlton had a pre-existing condition, because he got hospitalized HARD.

Captain Planet

This episode features something that I was led to believe would happen a lot more than it does: a stranger forcing me to take drugs for no real reason. Do you remember that? They’d teach you how to “just say no” if someone offers you drugs, and then your whole DARE class would get sidetracked talking about “well, what if someone MAKES you take drugs?” And not for any reason other than that they want you to be a person who is on drugs. I remember when Traci and I were in Greece, we met this weird girl on the train who told us to be careful in Athens because people would put drugs in our food. “Oh, like… for reasons?” we wondered. Nah. She said just like weed or mild hallucinogens, and I don’t know why they would waste their hard-earned drugs on people who didn’t even want them.

But I digress. Some dude puts drugs in Lenkas food not to do anything to her, but just so that she becomes a person who is on drugs. She’s pretty miserable when she’s off drugs, but when she’s on them it looks like a blast!

Now, as someone who’s blessed to share her name with a popular club drug, I’m in a unique position to critique drug names. The one in Captain Planet is called Bliss. That’s a stupid drug name.


A girl we’ve never seen before is offered drugs, and before you know it her guitar skills are through the roof! Eventually she starts experiencing side effects or something, but this will go down as the anti-drug episode that taught us kids that if you hate practicing clarinet for band, there’s probably a drug for that.


If The Slipper Fits: Into the Woods Character Bios

Over the holidays, two more stage to screen musicals made their debuts in the theatres – Annie and Into the Woods. One featured a scantily clad Cameron Diaz taking over a role made famous by Carol Burnett, and one has Meryl Streep singing songs adapted for the big screen by the OG composer and lyricist. We went to see one of those movies, and it rhymes with Shminto the Shwoods (it’s Into the Woods).

Into the Woods is classic Stephen Sondheim, with a difficult and sophisticated score and complex characters who thrive (or don’t, I guess) in a group setting. But Sondheim’s works are like onions – there are so many layers to it that it’s incomprehensible that he’s managed to incorporate so many themes and plot lines and characters into one cohesive production. It’s why he’s one of the greatest composers/lyricists to ever exist.

That being said, Into the Woods specifically tells the tale (or tales) of mostly pre-existing characters from several Brothers Grimm fairy tales. While the idea of keeping up with 15ish people’s lives sounds daunting, Sondheim, along with Rob Marshall who directed the film version, make the big screen version easy to follow, even for non-theater nerds who have no idea what they’re getting into. But if you do fit into that category and still need help delineating who’s who, we have come up with brief character bios for everyone in the musical.

*Editor’s note: we clearly made these up ourselves. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, this will all make more sense once you do. For now, just assume we’re hilarious.


Musical training: learned to “rap” from an early 1990s “hip hop” tape that teaches multiplication to fourth graders.

Hair inspiration: The “colorful hair” tag on Tumblr

Secret Wish: To be Elphaba in Wicked


High school superlative: Actual Prince Charming

Famous Relatives: Mr. Mellark

Baker’s Wife

Talents: grocery shopping without a written list

Non-talents: Staying near her damn cow

Personal gripe: Direct quote: “I have lived in my town for 15 damn years and nobody has even bothered to ask what my name is.” [It’s Wendy. No. Was it Stacy? Crystal. Probably. Wait… Lisa, maybe?]

Secret hobby: One-upping all of the other ladies on her infertility/ pregnancy planning message board. “Oh, that’s cute about your tilted uterus and IVF. I had a witch’s curse, and first we tried a cow as white as milk…” She seems sweet, but make no mistake: those broads hate her.


Hair inspiration: The prom issue of a late-90s Delia*s catalog

Height: Little Red / Jack

Weight: see above

Wardrobe secrets: really more into flats

Future career: organizing guru / sole proprietor of a housecleaning service

Side gig: motivational speaker, touring high schools with her presentation Losing My Shoe, Finding Myself: What I Learned In The Woods

Cinderella’s Dead Mother Tree

Famous relatives: Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas; Whomping Willow from Harry Potter

Weakness: Gossiping too much with the other trees about the fools running around the woods with cows and shit

Hidden talents: Nothing. She’s a tree.

Hobbies: photosynthesis, maybe?

Cinderella’s Prince

Arch nemeses: T.L.C. ( chases waterfalls, despite their admonitions)

Nickname: McStreamy

Favorite Cologne: Sex Panther

Cinderella’s Stepmother

Weird Fetish: Feet

Famous Relatives: Anjelica Houston


Hairstyling Secret: Uses the Air Curler on the daily

Hair inspiration: Amy March

Dislikes: Open-toed shoes


Secret wish: To hook up with Elsa from Frozen

Occupation: Studying to be a ballerina, working exclusively en pointe.

Top Google hit: “Lucinda + feet”

Little Red

Occupation: Cautionary Tale

Personal motto: Nice is different than good

Arch nemesis: Sophia Grace from The Ellen DeGeneres show; everyone who has ever played Annie

Life goals: To be the first child in musical theater to achieve MALRAC (playing the roles of Matilda, Annie, Little Red, Amaryllis, and Cosette)

Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother

Screenshot 2015-01-14 02.39.23

Allergies: Gluten

Famous Relatives: Old Rose from Titanic, Wendy Darling

Weaknesses: Befriending wild animals in the woods

The Wolf

Criminal background: Allegorical Rapist

Deepest Secret: Sort of … really obviously human

You may know him from the TLC special: I Swallowed Two Humans!: The Man With The Cavernous Stomach


Personal history: emerged fully formed from a 22-year-old’s “Future Children 🙂 ” Pinterest board

Life goals: to be the first child in musical theater to achieve a BEJOG (playing the roles of  Billy Elliott, Jack, Oliver, and Gavroche)

Weakness: Peer pressure

Jacks’ Mother

Favorite TV shows: Dance Moms, House Hunters International, Gilmore Girls

Skills: Basketweaving, hairdressing, makes killer zucchini bread

Allergies: Beans



Famous Relatives: Jack Black (in Gulliver’s Travels), Shaq

Life Motto: “Size does matter”

Giant’s Wife


Dislikes: Little kids messing with magic beans and killing giants, never finding clothes that fit at Talbots or Chicos

You May Know Her From The I.D. Special: Dateline Nightline: When Giant Housewives Snap

The Beanstalk

Favorite pastime: Messing with people’s front yards

Fun fact: Was up for the role of venus flytrap Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors (1986), but deemed “not venus flytrap-y enough”.

Famous Relatives: The grapevine (of “heard it through the…” fame)


Biggest secret: Shhh! They’re extensions.

Fun fact: Secretly has her own line of extensions she sells on Etsy

Secret Wish: To be a lounge singer on a Disney Cruise Line

Rapunzel’s Prince

Hair inspiration: Derrick from Full House

Secondary hair inspiration: Dawson Leery

Awards: Was named fastest climber in elementary school P.E. rope climb test


Occupation: Cow

Special Skills: Makes milk

Pet Peeves: Being led around a forest for hours by a kid and a singing British couple

Annoying habit: Says “my stomachs hurt!” whenever she doesn’t feel well. Yes. You have multiple stomachs. WE KNOW.

 Stephen Sondheim

Occupation: Bad ass father of musical theatre

Brags The Most About: That one cameo he made in 2003 musical theatre film Camp (starring Anna Kendrick)

Fun Fact: Has Meryl Streep and Bernadette Peters’ phone numbers (probably)