Game of Thrones is one of the most talked-about shows of 2015 … by everyone except us. We don’t watch it – but we want to! – so in the meantime, here are the things we are pretty sure go down in Medieval Narnia or whatever it is.
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Are you caught up on Game of Thrones? I’m not. I’m very, very not: I still haven’t seen an episode. Don’t get me wrong, it’s way at the top of my watch list – if only because I hate when everyone else knows about something I don’t. It’s just that it’s in the fifth season, so now it’s an undertaking. But since it feels like GoT is all anyone talks about, I have some ideas about it.
God willing, this summer I’ll swipe my parents’ HBOGo login info and find out for myself. Until then, I’m pretty sure this is what it’s about:
Like, it’s not England, but it IS England, you know?
Hmm. Ok, p. sure it’s England though.
And it’s not the Middle Ages, but it IS The middle ages, right?
No but like, it’s not the “middle ages” but it’s sometime between the fall of Rome and the Renaissance, y/y?
The blonde one has dragons. They’re sort of like the winged monkeys from The Wizard Of Oz, but they want to be there.
The blonde one is icy and powerful, like Grace Kelly or Betty Hofstadt Draper Francis.
+ shades of Draco Malfoy and Princess Leia during the Jabba The Hutt era.
The Little Girl shoots arrows.
Everyone has names with lots of y’s in them. And, like, w’s? Drawnyfyr. Grwynwyn. Wywywy.
When something good happens, everyone goes to banquet halls where they eat, presumably, mutton. And drink mead. Then they all get killed.
French braids.
The blonde one’s title is kaleesi (sp? Superfluous H somewhere: Khaleesi? Kalheesi?). Her name is something else. And a lot of people act like her name is Kaleesi (sp) because that’s what they call her in the show, but it’s NOT. It’s not that. It’s probably, definitely something with a y or w in it.
The Little Girl is friends with wolves. Enemies with wolves? I think she mostly rolls with a pack of them.
I’m fairly sure the Little Girl is named Aria, which is why that’s what everyone is naming their babies now. Maybe Arya, which has a Y in it.
The Little Girl with the arrows/wolves is the Stephanie, and her older sister is more of a D.J.
There’s no Michelle; a Michelle would not survive in this world.
This is her GOT outfit.
If your name doesn’t contain a Y or a W, it’s a regular name with one or two letters off. Like Blatt or Bobbin or Roybert.
Peter Dinklage.
Sometimes, somebody goes into a journey through the forest, runs into an enemy, battles them in the forest, emerges on horseback. But it’s the enemy’s horse.
Maybe there’s a priest who’s a bad guy?
More tapestries than a stoner’s sophomore year dorm room.
Do any of you have an extra row of eyelashes that grow straight down? It has nothing to do with Game of Thrones but I would be interested in someone’s help with that.
I’m picturing a battle in a field with humans astride creatures that look like they came from the Jim Henson factory.
All of the American actors use English accents of varying strengths and intensities, even though this is not exactly England.
Rich people wear jewel-toned silks and velvets; poors: straight-up scratchy bag material.
At least one dude has labor-intensive facial hair even though it’s the (not-) Middle Ages. One of those deals where he looks more like a topiary than a face.
Probably a gross childbirth scene at some point.
Pick a character to love. Any character. Okay, they’re going to die.
Unlike the real middle ages, people aren’t dying of, like, dysentery. Usually battles, duals, maybe a stray curse or two.
Never go to a wedding. Ever. It will end it rape, murder, or both.
All of the men are sort of Variations On A Theme. The theme is Elijah Wood.
Meh. Basically the same thing.
You know how everyone has that one garbage cousin? In 2015 you can just hide him on Facebook, but in Medieval England you will be hiding behind a stone turret while he and a fleet of Jim Henson Workshop Creatures storm across your moat right in the middle of the Hey Nonny Nonny festival or whatever.
Not that it’s Medieval times, that is. Or England. It isn’t.
One of the top cultural phenomena that we’ll remember when we think of 2015: this time we all weren’t sure what color a dress was, AND two llamas got out of a zoo, AND it happened on the same day. And we, the grown adults of the internet, all but lost any chill we ever had.
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Thursday was a DAY, y’all. So, as you’re reading this blog, I think it’s pretty clear that we are fans of the Internet. The Internet has been good to us. It’s connected us with you fine people. It brings us GIFs. It tells us facts in seconds that would’ve taken forever to look up in Encyclopedia Britannica. But yesterday was a day for the record books (Google books?)
It all started in the afternoon when two llamas went on the run in Sun City, Arizona. On the real, according to AzCentral, and I quote, “The llamas were participating in animal therapy at an assisted living facility when they escaped. Authorities believe the llamas got spooked when the door to the trailer they had arrived in opened. They said there was a third llama in the trailer, but it did not escape.”
Thanks to a local news affiliate’s live video feed (#bless), the whole world was able to watch these two run freely in the world for about a 20-minute chase as handlers tried their best to wrangle them.
TBH, I showed up to the party late and couldn’t stay long, as my job doesn’t really allow me to enjoy nice things, so I had to quickly catch up and figure out what was happening. But by the time I entered the #LlamaDrama, there were already a ton of memes floating around. It’s stuff like this that the Internet was made for. We are at are best when we all have to make comments on a ridiculous thing. Here are some of what the Internet folks came up with.
Was that enough excitement for one day? NOPE. Just a few hours later, a girl took to the Internet for advice on a dress someone was considering to buy, and they sent a pic of it asking if it was black and blue or white and gold. Tumblr first went crazy, as they are wont to do, and it then spread to the rest of social media. It soon became a war. Bloodshed. Lives ruined. People actually breaking up. Friendships torn apart. It was a gruesome scene. Even the local news here covered it. Literally the LA news station showed a picture of the dress and asked what color it was. LA NEWS IS NOT REAL NEWS. But I digress.
On Tumblr, GIFs and stills from TV shows were obviously used.
i went to work for six hours and come back to tumblr and my ENTIRE DASH is this dress thing and finally i understand that community gif on a spiritual level
it’s not black/blue, nor is it white/gold. It’s actually cerulean. And you’re also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent… wasn’t it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of stuff.
And celebrities, who obviously got in on the action. Even Taylor Swift chimed in. Honestly, if Oprah and/or Beyonce tweeted or Instagramed about it it would have been game over.
By FAR, Mindy Kaling had the best response to #TheDress. She was up in arms about it, staying strong in her #BlackandBlue stance, as only Mindy could. It’s exactly the type of response I expected from her, but I am obsessed with just how far she went. Her annoyance got increasingly more dramatic and I feel like she should probably just put this in her show now.
For the record, the folks at Buzzfeed (who started this who viral mess) tracked down the girl who first posted about the dress, and she says it’s black and blue. It’s all about lighting, y’all. Either way, whatever team you’re on – #WhiteandGold, #BlackandBlue, #LlamasOnTheRun, #LeftShark, it’s good to know we can all collectively #BreakTheInternet without actually baring our butts.
It’s hard to believe, but 2015 was the 20-year anniversary of the release of Clueless. In those twenty years we’ve gone from being small children, to early 20-somethings who could play drinking games all the livelong day, to two adults on the bring of 30 who don’t have the energy for that anymore. But we still created a Clueless-based drinking and workout game to celebrate the occasion during our Clueless Week!
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Clueless is the movie that taught us about drinking games – suck and blow, anyone? We may have been too young to really get what was going on when Clueless came out 20 years ago. But now anyone who can remember when Clueless was a new hit movie is, by default, over 21. That means we can play the drinking games now! As always, drink responsibly and legally, and feel free to substitute in a non-alcoholic beverage.
If your buns don’t feel nothin’ like steel, or you have some freeways to accidentally merge onto after this, do our workout version instead!
One Sip OR One Set of Mountain Climbers (* A set is what you say is a set!)
The phrase “way harsh” is uttered.
A main character rocks anything plaid.
Dionne and Murray fight.
Cher flips her hair.
Any time Paul Rudd is hot. This is subjective but you may find yourself drinking a lot.
Josh gazes lovingly at Cher.
Cher mispronounces something.
A character plays sensitive ’90s music – two sips if they sing along (turn away, turn awayayayay…).
You spot a “only in the mid-90s” pop culture reference that escaped you before (Kato Kaelin, Travis’s last name is Birkenstock, etc).
One Huge Gulp OR One Set Of Bicep Curls
Elton outwardly flirts or gets too handsy with Cher.
The kids talk like grownups.
When you see Lucy the Maid physically afraid of Mr. Horowitz
Dionne and Murray make up.
Cher actually says/uses a big word correctly.
Josh is eating something (extra sip if it’s weird).
You spot product placement with packaging you haven’t seen for over a decade (Coke cans, Minute Maid juice boxes, etc).
Any references to Miss Stoeger’s sexual orientation – subtle or explicit.
Take a Shot OR One Set Of Bicycle Crunches
You or someone watching with you says “As If” in sync with Cher.
An “adult” character looks young to you.
A “teenaged” extra is clearly 30 yrs old… meaning that now, they are 50.
A person collapses a cell phone antenna. Remember having to do that? [The cell phone use is one of the reasons Clueless almost seems like it could have been released today, but I remember at the time it was revolutionary that all these rich kids had their own cells.]
Josh references not-for-profits, either in words or via t-shirt.
A teen driver’s eyes aren’t on the road.
There is a plastic surgery reference.
You spot a scrunchie in the wild.
Pour A Little Out For Your Homie OR Sun Salute
You remember that Brittany Murphy died and get sad about it all over again.
Chug OR Two Sets Of Burpees
Cher crashes into something while driving.
Cher makes a literary reference – extra sip if it almost makes sense.
A person is wearing pleather or crunchy plastic.
Makeover!
A character references ’90s pop psychology (For instance, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, or body language – anyone else still interpret “legs crossed toward each other” as an “unequivocal sex invite?”).
Christian references ’50s culture.
Cher is wearing an unnecessary sheer layer.
You spy french tip nails.
Elton is wearing a chunky wool sweater, or otherwise looks like a fall Brooks Brothers catalog. In Southern California.
Drugs. And you didn’t realize they were drugs as a child.
Any signs Christian was gay … extra sip if you missed it as a child or youth (like that he isn’t talking/looking at any other girl).
Things that happened in 2015: (1) There was a Gilmore Girls Reunion. (2) We were there. (3) We met Luke Danes Dream Man and we aren’t about to pretend that that isn’t a big deal. Because it is. God bless Gilmore Girls. God bless Texas. God bless us, everyone.
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Well, friendos, we certainly had an eventful weekend. If you’ve been following along at home, last week was Gilmore Girls week (read them all here), and besides the fact it’s one of our most favorite and sacred shows of all time, we dedicated our posts to GG in prep for our weekend in Austin, Texas for the ATX Television Festival. Despite the fact our generation has a tendency to use the word ‘epic’ to often describe non-epic things, this our experience at ATX was by far, the most EPIC (in all caps) in the classic sense of the word.
We gave lil’ nuggets of our time on social media, but here’s a little bit more in depth info from what we learned from our jam-packed weekend in TV nerd heaven!
Friday
Within a few hours, Traci shared a plane to Austin with Amy Sherman-Palladino (ASP) and her husband, Keiko Agena walked by her at baggage claim, and Scott Patterson (Luke) favorited our tweet. Off to a good start.
Per usual, we get totes and rando items when we check-in, but this year, Southwest was kind enough to give everyone credit to use towards a flight! We attend a TV nerd fest, and get money back. Perfect.
Bunheads
Our first panel of the fest is from the Cancelled-Too-Soon category, beloved dance dramedy, Bunheads, which was cancelled by ABC Family after 18 episodes. ASP, Sutton Foster, Kelly Bishop and Stacey Oristano were there representing, as select clips were shown while the ladies talked about their experience in between each one.
First off, this was the first time we had been in the presence of Broadway queen Sutton and Gilmore matriarch Kelly Bishop, so that was a little jarring. Jarring = amazing.
Highlights:
– ASP threw SO much shade at ABC Family for pulling the show way before its time. But, even ASP in her ultimate wisdom, had a feeling that it might be the final curtain for them before execs gave the official word.
“We had some ideas, but we knew. When you’re on a network that revolves around 13-year-old girls who haven’t menstruated yet, it’s tough to continue stories about life and emotion. It’s not really ABC Family’s game. Maybe that game will change, but at the time, they didn’t know what to do with us.”
Stacey added, “We didn’t have the word ‘liars’ in the title.”
– “She is, as we say in the biz, ‘The Best’.” ASP loves Sutton Foster as much as we do. She saw Sutton on Broadway in Anything Goes, and she immediately wanted to work with her. Sutton, who is/was incidentally a huge Gilmore Girls fan, was already working with Kelly in Anything Goes. But Sutton wanted the part of Michelle real, real bad. Who wouldn’t?
“I never wanted something so bad, and I worked really hard. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life.”
– Stacey originally auditioned to be Michelle’s dancer BFF, but there was an intense dance call, and ASP asked her to read for another part – that of Truly. Stacey also revealed that she had been hiding a secret from ASP and ASP got super mad at her for not saying her secret talent sooner. TBH, I am too.
Stacey: “Amy actually got mad at me one time because she didn’t know I’m a tap dancer.”
ASP: “Not a fucking word! I find out, not from her, but from Sutton, who said, ‘You know, Stacey’s a great tap dancer.’ I’m like, ‘Fuck you!’
Sutton: We were pitching … a duet, a tap-off between Michelle and Truly.
The Final Finale
Panelists: Marta Kauffman (Friends), Graham Yost (Justified) Daniel Lipman and Ron Cowen (Queer as Folk)
Highlights:
– The talented executive producers/creators of the iconic shows came together to talk about how to end a series. Marta said one of the best and most true things I’ve ever heard and believe about media: “Film is a one night stand. You’re married to TV.”
– Since we’ve only seen Friends, I feel like a lot of our takeaway were from Marta. There was no way Ross and Rachel weren’t going to end up with each other, FYI. Something a little different than Dawson’s Creek, which you’ll find out about later.
– Marta said all the scenes they wanted in the finale were in the finale. But if something was cut, she would here about it.
“Every single person I knew – my agent, my lawyer, David’s (Crane) partner – everyone was in the background of the show. So the only way I knew if something got cut was if someone asked, ‘Where was my scene?”
– Billy Dreskin, the unseen guy Rachel sleeps with on her parents’ bed in high school, is actually the name of Marta’s friend who became a rabbi, and he got a whole lot of backlash after the episode aired.
– “The Joey series was something I had nothing to do with.” – Marta making it clear she wasn’t part of that trainwreck.
– After talking about how to create the perfect and most satisfying series finale for fans and cast and crew, Marta ended the panel with this:
“Oh and I have one more thing to say.” Then she stood up and started walking away.
Boy Meets Girl Meets World
Highlights:
– We were sitting fairly close to the front, and for some reason we both feel like we’ve made awkward eye contact with Ben Savage and we don’t know how to handle it. This happened to us separately.
– Rowan Blanchard and Sabrina Carpenter are just pure delights. They are wise beyond their years. Someone during the Q&A asked if Ben and Danielle gave the girls advice about being a child actor and growing up ‘normal’, but as a person in the audience to see them IRL, these two girls do not even seem like “child actors”. They’re regular tween girls who happen to be very talented, and seem super down to earth. They’re like the Kiernan Shipka of Disney Channel.
– Michael Jacobs said we’ll find out who Farkle’s mom/Minkus’ wife is this season. And it’s someone we’re very familiar with. Our guess: Morgan Matthews. And Michael confirmed we would see Morgan again. But Cory would know if he had a nephew, right??
“She’s the last person you would believe is married to Minkus. She will be radically different and evolved, and I believe you will love the reappearance of this character.”
– Also coming back: Minkus, Jack (meets up with Eric and Rachel closure is involved), Angela (to maybe break up Shawn and Maya’s mom), MR. TURNER.
“You guys are going to kill me for what we decided to do with Shawn and Angela, but I will tell you that it is right, it is real, and you’re going to have to watch the episode six times before you put the guns down.”
Michael also assured us fans that they have a clear vision of where they want to go with the series, and said, “Like Mr. Feeny said in the finale, ‘Do you mean do well?’ ‘No, I mean do good.’ We will do good for you.” CHILLS.
Sightseeing break
Friday Night Lights Tailgate
One of the free events of the fest is the FNL tailgate, where you sit in a parking lot and watch an episode of FNL with a bunch of fans, and some of the actors are usually there too.
Here is Grandma Saracen talking to angel Adrienne Palicki, who possibly made us lesbians for the like hour we saw her.
Grandma Saracen invited us to sit down past the VIP rope, so we’re basically all BFF now.
We also finally met the awesome and talented Sage (and Kim) from Head Over Feels! Actually getting to hang out with Internet friends is fantastic and we had so much fun seeing Sage this weekend!!!
definitely not photoshopped
But the highlight was when we saw on Twitter from John Cabrera (Brian) that Hep Alien YES, FICTIONAL BAND HEP ALIEN was playing a ‘secret show’ in 45 minutes at the FNL tailgate. AKA the place we were already at. We saw it hoped it was early enough that not a lot of people saw it yet, so we got prime spots. And ASP was there, hand in hand with ultimate GG fan Sutton Foster, who had two cute buns in her hair. Jackson Douglas (Jackson) was there to intro the band a la Tippicanoe and Taylor Too – well he actually intro-ed Daniel Palladino dressed as a 60s guy who then introduced the band. IDK. All I know is that we found ourselves watching Hep Alien (AGAIN, A FICTIONAL BAND) in concert, with ASP in the front row, playing songs like Daydream Believer and a cover of Single Ladies and the GG theme song, during a Friday Night Lights event. It was Stars Hollow meets Dillon and our brains could not. Still cannot.
The actual real life Dave Rygalski. Adam Brody’s character was named after this guy, who is producer Helen Pai’s husband. Hep Alien is an anagram of Helen Pai. He played the bass throughout the show, because Brian aka John Cabrera, can’t actually play and just pretended. Like the Drew Seeley to Zac Efron in HSM.
Lane Kim still knows how to hit the sticks on those brums!
HEP ALIEN
not actually playing the bass.
Zach is into it.
OH AND THEN WE MET JACKSON
Saturday
As a preface, I (Traci) had been to this festival twice before, and this was Molly’s first time. Because of the GG reunion, more people than ever before came to the fest, selling out with like, 1,700 attendees. The fest itself has smaller venues, which I loved about it since it feel intimate with your fave TV stars. However, taking into account the hundreds more people this year, there was a good chance you might not get into things.
Enter: anything to do with ASP. Coffee with Amy was a panel set for 10am. We got there at like, 8am, and there was absolutely no way for us to make the cut for a room of about 80. Rumor has it folks were waiting since 5am. Bitch, please. We weren’t that concerned about not getting in, but the first panels of the day start at 10am, so we had time to kill. We figured we’d wait in the hotel lobby, where not only the panels are, but the same hotel where the celebs were staying.
So there we were, sitting in the lobby, checking social media, and Scott Patterson tweet THIS photo of him in bed.
— Scott G. Patterson (@ScottGPatterson) June 6, 2015
Swear to God, like 15 minutes later, I notice some girls near us get up and approach some person for a pic and IT WAS SCOTT FUCKING PATTERSON. All my chill was lost, my sanity out the window, my conscience had gone bye-bye and I lept up towards him and was feet away before his people rushed him off to a room.
I proceeded to freak out (Luke is … Luke is #LUKEDANESDREAMMAN to me) and maybe 10 minutes later he came back out and it looked like he was going somewhere so I held back a bit, but then he stopped to take pix with people, and I lit’rally said, “no. no no no. NO NO NO” outloud, and ran over as if “I had been waiting long before these other bitches”. This part starts to get hazy, because I remember his publicist saying he can take pix just don’t crowd and push, and I held back. I held back until I noticed no one moved fast enough and said, “Can we take a picture with you?” and he said, “sure!” and like went to shake my hand, and we snuck in there. A lovely girl offered to take our pic (SHOUT OUT TO MYSTERY PHOTOG ANGEL) and she took it and i felt his back it was muscular (like Lauren has said publicly) and he kind of did the linger on the back but not in a creepy way and for the next 15-20 minutes I couldn’t sit down and felt like I was going to vom and was on the verge of crying, PER THE PHOTO.
I can’t even look at this bc I get all the feels
Actual footage of my brain during this time period:
SO LET THIS BE A LESSON KIDS – SOMETIMES IT’S OKAY IF YOU DON’T MAKE IT INTO A PANEL WITH ASP AND FREE COFFEE BECAUSE YOU’LL HANG OUT WITH THE MAN WITH THE COFFEE HIMSELF. SANS COFFEE. JUST ALL MAN.
Luckily, we had some time before going to our backup panel, A Kiss is Just a Kiss, focused on the LGBTQ portrayals and relationships on TV. The Queer as Folk folk were back, also Dawson’s Creek writer Gina Fattore, Peter Paige from QaF & The Fosters, and moderated by My So-Called Life’s Wilson Cruz. It was very interesting, and we learned a lot, including facts about An Early Frost, one of the first TV movies dealing with the HIV/AIDS dilemma in the 80s, and we were surprised we’d never heard of it before. On the queue. Also, we had just met Luke ‘Butch’ Danes, so that was kind of distracting.
Empire
The Empire: Creatives panel featured writer/co-creator Danny Strong (yes, Doyle) and Wendy Calhoun, writer. Showrunner Ilene Chaiken was a no show!
– It was Danny’s birthday and he offered to give the audience a prize: “For my birthday I will be performing Drip Drop.” He did not do as promised.
– Danny on getting the idea for Empire: “Hip-hop is cool. I gotta do something in hip-hop.”
– Wendy Calhoun has an impressive resume, with her latest being a writer on Nashville. She was eager for something closer to home, and turns out Danny and Lee were making it.
“Oh my God, they wrote the black version of Nashville!”
– Wesley Snipes with the OG Luscious Lyon. Negotiations didn’t go in his favor, so Terrence Howard slipped in instead.
– On disagreeing with Terrence about the use of the N-word on the show: “It’s not a documentary about hip-hop. It’s a soap opera set in the hip-hop world.
– Danny playing with us and Jamal’s future: “Just because you get the Empire, doesn’t mean you get to keep the empire. Ohh snap! Rock the Vote”
After seeing writer Wendy Calhoun at the Empire panel, we were so enamored with her that we decided to follow her to the Diversity in Progress panel, featuring Wendy, Power creator Courtney Kemp Agboh, and Men in Trees creator/What a Girl Wants screenwriter Jenny Bicks. In an industry dominated by white males, these three women, two of whom are black, discussed their personal stories of going up the ladder in an environment which isn’t necessarily in their favor.
Across the board, their advice was to just be yourself – that obviously doesn’t just apply to writers. For example, if you’re a writer who wants to go on Empire, but you’re a young white woman who isn’t too familiar with hip-hop, don’t go into the interview pretending you’re basically Eminem and an expert. Because if you do get hired, and you’re in the room and they figure you out – you’re going to get fired anyways.
Courtney talked about how she needed to hire a white woman on her show, Power, but she couldn’t get a single person to accept the job. She offered a lucrative salary, but none of them wanted to take it, because they probs didn’t think they were qualified to write on a show about black people. But her point is that she can write about black people – she’s all set on that – it’s the young, white woman perspective she needs, and that’s why she set out for that type of writer, saying, “It’s important to have the diversity of the writers room to reflect the DNA of the show.”
Other little nuggets:
“Excellence is the equalizer. You go out and you kill it.” Courtney Kemp Agboh
“There’s no diversity in Hollywood, because the only color in Hollywood is green.” Wendy Calhoun
Dawson’s Creek Writers Room
Waiting in line to get in – Molly sent me this book like three years ago, and I thought it was appropriate to bring on the trip for some light reading.
Some of the writers from Dawson’s Creek, including creator Kevin Williamson, co-executive producer Paul Stupin, Jenny Bicks, Rob Thomas (of Veronica Mars fame), Gina Fattore and Anna Fricke, came together to discuss the six-season run of the teen drama (which I finally watched for the first time last year).
The Vampire Diaries’ ep Julie Plec grilling her bud Kevin Williamson and the other DC writers
It was interesting to see this group, since all of them – sans Paul – were there for different seasons and covered such different ground. E.g., Kevin left at the end of season two, and only one person survived in the room (Arrow’s Greg Berlanti), Rob was there for a season, Gina (who apparently wrote two of my fave eps – both Pacey/Joey centered – True Love (season 3 finale) and Castaways (the K-Mart lock-in)) was there from season three til the end.
Highlights
– Kevin Williamson kind of just made up the pitch to the show about his life. He was Dawson, also an aspiring filmmaker and from a small town. He said each character had a piece of himself – except the gay side of him – enter Jack McPhee. But KW was the only person who knew Jack was gay when he wrote the part, he didn’t even tell Kerr Smith. In fact, Jack’s coming out story was based on KW’s own story, and the whole plot with the letter in class was direct from Greg Berlanti coming out as a teen. Also – it’s not a coincidence KW picked to male names – Dawson and Joey – to be the lead characters.
– DC was originally picked up by Fox, but they passed because they were “already struggling with Party of Five and didn’t need another one.” About two years later, a new network called WB (now the CW) picked up the pilot.
– As part of a type of hazing process, one consulting producer wanted to have all the writers pretend they were Scientologists to trick the newbies. #ClearEyesClearHeartsXenu
– “A Jim Belushi character – when that name meant something” – original one-line description for Pacey Witter. KW also said, “I always wanted Pacey to have that Officer and a Gentleman feel. … The whole second season was, as I call it, ‘Pacey’s Pond.'”
“Charlie (Chad Michael Murray) was in a band!” – Gina
“And Pacey was a stockbroker!” – Julie
“Yeah, how did that happen?” – Kevin, creator of the GD show
– Listen, people have regrets. The writers’ regrets include introducing Eve and Pacey becoming a stockbroker. “We were really into the movie Boiler Room,” Anna said, attempting to defend herself.
– Generally speaking, nobody knows what was up with season three. Nobody. They attribute some of the weird choices to groupthink in the writers’ room.
– Andie McPhee was supposed to have a shorter character arc, but they all loved working with Meredith Monroe so much that they kept finding ways to keep her around. They filmed a scene with her for the finale, but it was cut for time. The whole purpose of the Andie character was to make Pacey learn responsibility and grow up.
– The writers thought about bringing Jen’s gramps back to life from a coma – and on a ventilator – in season one, but Paul said, “As the episodes went on, we couldn’t find a way to revive granddad, but then in the finale he comes out of his coma for five minutes and dies!”
– The original theme song was supposed to be Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket. After the WB used Paula Cole’s I Don’t Want to Wait for promos before the pilot aired, the song became a hit and they used Paula’s song moving forward.
– They tried to rerecord I Don’t Want To Wait several seasons in, but the result was just a little too angsty.
– Kevin agreed to come back to write the final two episodes of the series, and for all y’all against Jen’s death *spoiler alert?*, he says he created the show as a “coming of age story”, and the group had never had to deal with the death of someone in their circle. Her death also forced Joey to make a choice between Pacey and Dawson…
– Paul said Dawson/Joey had always been end game from the beginning. Halfway through, KW called Paul and said he changed his mind. KW: “Guys, my mother hates me. She went to her grave hating me for that.” He added, “Dawson seemed like the obvious answer and once I got into writing the first hour (of the finale). … This isn’t what the show set up to be. Maybe that’s where it started but it evolved and it ended up as something else (DO YOU HEAR THAT HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER WRITERS). I wanted it to be a twist on the teen genre but also wanted it to be surprising, honest and real and say something about soul mates and what soul mates can be. That’s why we did it that way. When you left the show in that last moment, they’re a family and everyone got what they wanted. There was fulfillment and they were all happy.”
Gilmore Girls Reunion
Ok, here it is. The reunion we had been waiting LIT’RALLY YEARS for. So in a nutshell – the panels/screenings at the fest have tickets that guarantee you admission. They put 1/3 of the capacity online a week before the fest, but because this was the main event, these tickets sold out in seconds. Neither of us got the tickets, which meant we’d have to be in the stand-by line. I wasn’t concerned, because never in my three years at the fest had I ever been turned away from a panel (except for earlier that day when we got shunned from Coffee with Amy and met Luke instead). No one was allowed to get in line until 5p (the reunion started at 7p), but it was complete and utter chaos – none of the volunteers/staff would tell anyone anything, it was a shitload of crazy fans who wanted to get in, and it was also like 10,000 degrees (give or take a few). Needless to say, everyone was on edge. And this is how far back we were in line:
The theatre is a block up, and around the corner. There were probably like 400-500 people ahead of us in the STAND-BY LINE (I’m horrible at guesstimating, it was a lot). Like you do at these type of things, you talk to the folks around you, you witness a car accident or two (seriously), you get handed free Pop Tarts (LIKE LOR AND RORY’S FAVE)…
… and then slowly the line moves, and you have hope you’ll get in soon and then it gets to be 7pm and you’re practically still a mile away and you start to get nervous for the first time. And then you hear people screaming at the front of the line, and then you realize a group of people walking to the right of the line as the screams follow and you realize LUKE DANES HAS FOLLOWED YOU TO THE LINE AND HE’S LIT’RALLY COMING BY AND SAYING HI TO ALL THE FANS AND THANKED THEM/US FOR WAITING SO LONG OUTSIDE AND HE SAYS ‘I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA GET IN BUT THANK YOU FOR COMING’ AND HE SHAKES YOUR HAND AGAIN BECAUSE THIS IS YOUR LIFE NOW.
[Note: we theorized that they would possibly send Scott around first to break the news that you might not get in, then maybe in 15 minutes Lauren would come by and be all “I don’t know, doesn’t look great, guys” then finally Alexis will stroll by and be like “sorry, didn’t work out, thanks for trying.” You know, so that people didn’t lash out at the volunteers instead. In hindsight, they maybe should have done this.]
I’m not joking when I say that it got to be around 7:15-ish (15 mins past start time) when we both started to get so nervous – like I might vomit and cry if we don’t get in – nervous. Every step we took closer to the doors was like a step out of the desert oasis and towards a real non-mirage lake that had been the mecca you had been journeying towards for years. Then, it happened. They let us in – the volunteers were lined up giving us high fives as if we had just finished a marathon. We made it. We made it and we were legit probably the last 50-100 or so people let in, sitting in the back balcony. Far away, but we were there. We made it.
The panel started out with the opening credits of the show, Carole King etc., but the names included all the people at the panel. I got chills then and I get chills now thinking about how everyone in that 1,300 seat theater was singing/screaming along to the song – it was electric. I was tearing up already. As TV fans, we don’t often get the chance to watch a show with hundreds of superfans like you do in the movies or theater. This is the type of place I want to be. Arielle Kebbel, who played Dean’s wife Lindsay, is an ATX advisory board member and came out to help intro the panel. First up, the moderator, Jessica Shaw from Entertainment Weekly, sat down with Amy and the three generations of Gilmore women – Lauren, Alexis and Kelly.
Highlights:
– Lauren was up for the part of Lorelai with one other actress. Following one of the final auditions, the other unnamed woman didn’t have a car so she asked Lauren for a ride. While LG was driving her home, she got a call on her cell phone – from the producers. But she obviously couldn’t pick it up in the event they were telling her she got the job. Could’ve been awk sauce.
– There was another Dean – two Canadian Deans – in the pilot, since they shot it in Canada.
– Alexis was super green going into the pilot, and among other things, didn’t realize the mics were still hot when she wasn’t on camera and in the bathroom. LG made a Robert Durst joke, as if I couldn’t love her even more.
“It was leafing season.” – ASP
“… You mean ‘fall’??” LG
“… It was fall…” ASP
– When asked what gets quoted to them the most, the answer is ‘Oy with the poodles already!‘, to which LG said, “Why did I say it and why do you people like it so much?” A fan also yelled out “Copperboom!” (one of my personal faves) and Alexis said, “What’s Copperboom?”. Fans proceeded to explain it and it didn’t really work, she still probs has no idea what it means.
– They talked about the late Ed Hermann, and how they were all surprised to find out he had died of brain cancer. Amy said Ed was the first person who said he would be at the panel, and it was clear they were all still emotional about his death. LG was even crying a little. Amy put together a montage of her favorite Richard Gilmore moments, ending with this scene from S5, Wedding Bell Blues, where Richard dedicates the song to Emily and they have a sweet dance. As the song went on, a montage of other shots of him throughout the series flashed and that’s when I lost it. It was such a moving tribute, and so sad that he’s gone.
Since it was just the four ladies and moderator Jessica on stage, the curtain behind them was lifted, to reveal seats for everyone, including the actual signs from the set (I think). I was EMOSH.
Here’s a video of their intros, and apologies in advance for the screaming and non-focus in the beginning because I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CHILL.
Highlights:
– The Dean/Jess/Logan debate:
Jared Padalecki: “I was always a Team Jess guy. I love Milo. I think he’s cool and sexy and handsome.”
Milo Ventimiglia: “Logan was a dick. But I don’t know… I was kind of rooting for everyone. ”
Matt Czuchry: “I saw something Amy said recently about how the right boyfriend came along at the right time. That’s kind of what I feel, between Jess and Dean and Logan. They each brought something out in Rory that she needed at that time… But I was also kind of Team Jess.”
Scott Patterson: “None of you are good enough for Rory.”
LUKE IS STILL LOOKIN OUT FOR RORY, Y’ALL.
(*Ed. note: Guys, I am rewatching the panel whilst writing this, and I’ve had to stop the part where they talk about Luke and Lorelai thrice and have yelled out ‘I CANNOT’ to myself because I lit’rally cannot)
– Danny (Doyle), who created Empire, is asked what would happen if Cookie walked into Stars Hollow, and basically she would “mess shit up”.
– On where each of their characters would be today:
Rory: Still a journalist
Emily: She and Richard would be in the exact same place, since they’re comfortable with their country clubs, etc. But Kelly added, “But now, Emily’s a widow, so that’s a whole other world, so I don’t know where she is.” ALL THE FREAKING TEARS.
Luke: *Scott has a long backstory he’s clearly thought about which involves either still running the diner or moved to a lake and re-opened Luke’s as a bait-and-tackle shop, etc.* before Lauren interrupted him and said, ‘Does he have a girlfriend?’
hi tyler oakley
Jess: “Jess is just out being Jess… and then walking away when too many people show up.”
Lane: She’s trying to figure out what kind of mom she wants to be. She wants to be Lorelai but in her heart she’s a little Mrs. Kim. She hopes she’s still playing music with Hep Alien. *HOLY CRAP KEIKO AGENA IS 41 YEARS OLD WTF. SHE’S SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN LAUREN, THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN MELISSA HOW
Michel: “It’s a tough one for Michel. Because I never understood how he ended up in that town. But, patronizing people for sure. Maybe in an inn that he now owns. Or he went back to Paris because he couldn’t deal with Americans anymore.”
Paris: “I’d like to think Paris and Doyle are still together. I think they’re really well matched. Supporting each other and just taking over the fucking world.”
Logan: He would not be working.
Miss Patty: *Liz Torres was a bit off her rocker, IDK, that’s what we thought* First of all, she always thought she would end up with Luke (!?). Anyways, some sort of TV show comes to town, and all Miss Patty’s students are in it and they’d put her in front of the camera. And she’d run for mayor of “Scott’s Hollow” and would call on Taylor for help. [This seemed to be partially informed by a GG fanfic from the internet, not sure.]
Dean: Worked at Doose’s and took over from Taylor to turn it into Dean’s Market and he’d still have the apron *just realizing Taylor has been pushed out of all his duties, what is HE up to now??*
Doyle: “Definitely married to Paris still… Ride or die all the way… Probably a reporter working at a website, NAACP maybe. Probably thinking everyone he was working for was an idiot.”
Jackson: “The vasectomy never took. There’s 42 children out there and I’m actually farming children now.”
Zach: “He got to have a nice homecoming and he got to come back to his hometown where he went to college with his hot wife and his best friend and rock the shit out of the place where he used to make lattes for people.” *IRL, Todd went to UT Austin, so maybe he was reflecting his own life there.
Brian: Had a tech start up, maybe a music app. He developed a really close bond with the twins and they’re kinda like his best friends. ! Kwan and Steve!!
Lorelai: “I think they’re (Luke and Lor) together. 100 percent… But I’m not fishing.”
“I love that Danny, between The Butler and (Empire) has become the voice of Black America. It’s the weirdest… finally they found somebody to speak for them!” -ASP
*Panel rewatch note: Scott just winked to someone. I’m not okay.*
– A big convo was had about when Rory was going to have sex. ASP: “At the time, every girl under 18 was having sex. All of them were a bunch of little whores. I’m all for a bunch of little whores running around, but not my girl!” ASP wanted it to be Dean and she wanted them to not be together. He was the one great first BF of hers, and ASP wanted to go to the place where you think maybe it could work out with that ex, and revert back to see if anything could come of it.
– As far as Daniel Palladino is concerned, though, that never happened.
– LG says her storyline with Luke didn’t end in a satisfying way… ASP adds that there was a plan to bring Luke and Lor together, and they were stingy with it for a reason. “It couldn’t happen until we knew what was gonna happen after. TV sometimes rushes into things without thinking about, ‘What are you losing?'”
– I got the general feeling that while season seven was fine, everyone in the cast wishes it was Amy that wrote the final season/episode.
– ASP is not going to give up those final four words. She also gives Michael Ausiello (TVLine founder, OG GG fan, one-time extra) a shout out which I personally find hilarious, saying he’ll be at her death bed trying to get it out of her. Only Dan Palladino knows, and LG doesn’t want to know unless it’s in the context of the episode/movie/etc. I’m with her.
– Liz Torres ‘couldn’t see’ something in the audience? A fan? IDK but she started walking towards the edge of the stage, and ASP goes, “Sit down. Sit down, young lady. There you go alright.”
“We didn’t know it (the show) was ending! I would’ve stolen so much!!” Keiko being the cutest
– Scott Patterson basically doesn’t understand how the internet works, didn’t realize his interview on the Gilmore Guys podcast can be listened to by everyone in the world, and his comment that there might be a movie in the works got blown out of proportion. He was just giving a stock answer, in hopes of it coming true.
*BUT WILL THERE BE A MOVIE? ASP: “I’m sorry, there’s nothing in the works at the moment. But here’s the good thing – nobody here hates each other. That’s a very important step. It would have to be the right everything. The right format, the right timing, the right budget, it would have to be honored in a certain way and I think that if it ever came around I think we would all jump in and do it. But unfortunately it’s not happening right now… If it ever happened, I promise you it would be done correctly.”
**Ed. note: I’ve written on here before about the heartbreaking report that LG and Scott didn’t get along with each other IRL. There were rumors they hated each other while filming, but after Scott’s Gilmore Guys podcast and the course of events and discussion over the weekend, we decided that rumor simply wasn’t true. Like anyone you work with, you might not get along 100% of the time, but you still like them. It’s a working relationship, and ASP saying no one hates each other confirmed that for us.**
– There were some Q&A with the fans, 10% of which were actually intelligent. But we had a good, long debrief about the panel over breakfast food for dinner and our main takeaway was that a good chunk of the nearly two hour event was wasted. Don’t get me wrong – this was amazing, surreal, #blessed, something I didn’t ever dream of happening – which is why I perhaps expected more? We wanted more interactions with the rest of the cast, questions that could be answered by everyone, and not just ASP, LG, and Dan. If you watch the panel, it’s mostly ASP talking, which is informative, but when’s the next time you’ll ever see all these people in a room together? I want the behind-the-scenes info, things that we didn’t get to see because Twitter wasn’t a thing in the early 2000s, I want to see Keiko and Liza interact or Doyle and Luke or Logan and Jess – anything! I want to know stupid stuff like their fave scenes to shoot or who they wished they had more scenes with – I just wanted it all from the cast. We just didn’t feel like the moderator did a particularly good job with inciting conversation between the actors. But overall, we’re just glad we got in.
Sunday
Orphan Black
We spent three days in a row getting up at the asscrack of dawn (or like, 6/7am, I wake up at 10am IRL) and we had two final panels on Sunday. Luckily, I was eager to get up early for the Orphan Black panel, featuring co-creator Graeme Manson and Kristian Bruun, who plays the great Donnie Hendrix, and they screened the episode that aired the night before.
Highlights:
– Kristian and Tatiana improv before takes IN character. Can you just imagine what Donnie and Allison would say to each other UNSCRIPTED?!
– On the possibility of more clones: “Nobody wants to see clones of Donnie… that’s too much sexy on one screen.” Kristian Bruun is our new favorite.
– Kristian was not informed whether or not Donnie was a monitor at first, so that he’d successfully convey that he had no clue what was going on.
– (spoiler alert?) “RIP, BDP.” – Graeme using the best acronym for Paul (Big Dick Paul).
– On Cosima/Delphine getting back together: “Sorry, but some ships are made to be sunk.”
– In general, Graeme basically tells us to hold on to our panties for the last couple of episodes this season because we’re not going to be happy.
– Kristian willingly tried to recreate the iconic Donnie/Allison twerking scene… without music… by himself
Dawson’s Creek Live Script Reading
Our final panel was also stressful – this time around I got a ticket in, but Molly did not, and she was literally one of the last four people to get in. Didn’t realize it was going to be that popular! So it was billed as a live script reading of the the DC pilot, with Kevin Williamson and special surprise guests. We get there and like GG, the DC credits rolled, but with the new cast, as follows:
Dawson Leery: Mae Whitman
Joey Potter: Patrick J. Adams
Pacey Witter: Abigail Spencer
Jen Lindley: KERR SMITH
Grams: Grandma Saracen Louanne Stephens
Mitch Leery: Derek Phillips (Billy Riggins)
Gail Leery: Stacey Oristano (Mindy Riggins)
Tamara Jacobs: Arielle Kebbel
Bessie: Kristian Bruun
Bodie: Nick Weschler
The best casting ever? Possibly. The surprise and screams when they were first revealed was akin to the GG electricity, but not quite the same scale.
– Mae, professional Friday Night Lights fangirl, was presented with an early birthday present from Stacey: a framed picture of Tim Riggins that was from the actual Riggins house. Mae brought it out and put it in front of her during the reading.
– Mae was perf (as usual), and her interaction with Patrick/Joey was fantastic. It was weird seeing Kerr, who didn’t come in as Jack until season two, play Jen:
– Louanne did the best “Jenniferrrrr” that had the crowd lit’rally go wild for a good 20 seconds.
– Patrick kept doing Katie Holmes’ side smirk and it was on. point.
– Louanne accidentally said, “I’m firm…” before realizing it wasn’t even her line.
– Julie Plec was in the audience and tweeted to Josh Jackson that Abigail Spencer was taking over for him, and he
And that’s all folks. We had such a great time thanks to ATX TV Festival and all the nice people we met, including the actor panelists. It was like a weird fever dream that I’m just starting to get over, but I kinda hope I never do.
It’s Christmas! And that means there are some fuckers out there getting ready to or have already proposed to their significant others. Here’s a pro tip from someone who’s never been betrothed before -DON’T DO IT.
Dear Future Fiance,
Thanks to the magic that is Facebook, I’ve been #blessed with waking up in the morning and seeing which of my friends or friends’ friends is set to take the plunge with their significant other. This number is higher during certain times of the year, most notably the holidays. Now I’m not being a Bitter Betty about this or intending to put anyone down if they DID get engaged over the holidays, I just am expressing what I want in a potential proposal. As the wise and beautiful land mermaid Amy Poehler wrote in her book Yes Please:
So in an effort to not be part of the cliche statistic, I’m writing this to set a few ground rules. If you already have a problem with me saying this, then maybe we shouldn’t even get married in the first place.
– Do not propose to me on Christmas Eve.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. I like the spirit of it, I like the traditions that come with it. I am accustomed to doing the same thing every year and I like it that way. Some kind of big dinner, candlelight service at church, pictures with the fam before we change out of our nice clothes. It is also my mother’s birthday, so, not a good day to steal her thunder.
– Do not propose to me on Christmas.
Christmas already comes with presents. I do not need an additional diamond/jewel of your (my) choice to be added under the tree. Whatever is on my list is a perfectly acceptable gift. I’d much rather get the complete Dawson’s Creek series on DVD rather than a non-creative proposal. Also it is Jesus’ birthday, so, not a good day to steal his thunder.
– Do not propose to me on New Year’s Eve.
I already dislike New Year’s Eve as it is. It’s always one of those nights where everyone asks you what you’re doing, and makes it out to be some big elaborate thing with a lot of high expectations. Speaking of expectations, I personally expect a proposal is supposed to be a surprise (more or less), something to catch you off-guard. Getting down on one knee on a night where thousands of other men are doing the same thing isn’t a surprise. Also it’s the New Year’s birthday, so, not a good day to steal its thunder.
– Do not propose to me on Valentine’s Day.
If your significant other needs a pre-determined day to do all the romantic things he can possibly think of on only one day out of the year, something’s wrong. I don’t want to go out to dinner and find a ring in a chocolate box (I’ll probably eat it) or at the bottom of my champagne glass (I’ll probably drink it). Again, proposing on Valentine’s Day is cliche and unimaginative, so don’t do it then. Also it’s Cupid’s birthday (not really), so, not a good day to steal his thunder.
– Do not propose to me on my birthday.
It is my birthday, so, not a good day to steal my thunder.
HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY LOUIS TOMLINSON. IT IS YOUR GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. CELEBRATE WISELY. AND WITH PROFESSING YOUR LOVE (TO YOU KNOW WHO).
Here’s what I knew about One Direction last week:
They are a British boy band, except one of them is Irish.
They sing that song I hate (What Makes You Beautiful. Still don’t like it.)
Also, I knew Drag Me Down but thought it was by Maroon 5? I don’t know, you guys.
I thought it was beautifully shady how the chorus of Perfect sounded a lot like Style.
And I knew who the two cute ones are.
Don’t play. You know exactly who I’m talking about.
What with their new album and a new press-generated controversy every day, One Direction was the perfect candidate for the Things I’m Willing To Believe About series – except, with my scant background knowledge, I had to hit the books. Yeah. I took that hit for you, internet. My research included:
Watching like 4-5 interviews on YouTube.
Googling photos of the members both now and in 2010.
Listening to the new album. It’s a really good, solid pop album to be honest.
Tumblr. Enough said.
The result? I either just became a Directioner – and a Larry? Is that how you do it? – or went through puberty again. Anyway, based on admittedly not that much info, here are some totally not-true “facts” I’m willing to believe about my new favorite British-except-one-Irish-guy boy band:
Liam
The Irish One?
Once hand wrote his favorite poem for a girl he is into.
The poem was by Shel Silverstein.
Most likely to be subject of a Paul Is Dead-style rumor that he died in 2011 and was replaced by a sort-of lookalike.
Because you don’t just grow a kidney like that. Or change faces like this:
Decided to try out online dating. Didn’t believe the other boys when they told him that a fake mustache wasn’t an awesome, foolproof disguise.
Favorite literary character: Gallant of the Goofus and Gallant series:
After a show, he makes the boys watch tape to improve next time.
His favorite t.v. show is the Tim Allen classic Home Improvement.
Instituted a chore wheel on tour. Said it would be fun. Believed it.
But the chore Liam doesn’t know about? Taking away his twitter after he’s said something dumb. The others trade whose turn it is to change his password.
They also hid his hair straightener a few years ago. It was for his own good.
Liam has invested in gold bars.
He loves knock knock jokes.
And “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes.
An old lady once hit Liam in the face with her purse. He had been chasing her for half a block to give her back a single coin that she dropped.
Liam snips apart those six-pack rings so they don’t get caught around birds’ heads.
His MSN name: NotLiamPayne
Has flown a kite for fun.
Owns one of those sticks to pick up litter on the street. Uses it frequently.
Liam once sealed the windows on a tour jet with shrink wrap when he read about the high costs of heating. Oh, bless.
Has a binder full of handwritten translations and phonetic pronunciations of foreign words to use when traveling. Includes a British English to American English section.
Flosses twice a day.
Loves team-building exercises.
Called Niall “Neil” for the first two weeks.
Has a Homer Simpson-style collage, with the letters covered up by photos of Simon Cowell and 1D fans:
Niall
No, the Irish one.
Style inspiration: a my buddy doll.
Is a cross between a dad and a beagle.
Has clear braces.
Is the kind of guy who would do pranks that involve shaving cream.
Is contractually obligated to be “the blonde one.” Can’t wait to change management and finally be free of bleach burns.
Was always the star of the feis with his 3-hand reel.
But his hornpipe is CRAP.
Has kind of a lot of tin whistles.
Owns one of those sweaters your grandma would always buy you when she went to the Aran islands.
Irish-Americans, you know what I’m talking about.
But he kind of, sort of really does believe that legend that if he wears his family’s pattern they’ll be able to identify him in a shipwreck.
Has repurposed Irish oatmeal cans in his home.
You know what? Handy, frugal, and functional.
Is named after Niall of the Nine Hostages.
He lifts because he wants to be “built like Flatley.”
Says his first crush was: the girls in the Corrs.
Actual first crush was: that skanky Molly Malone statue in Dublin.
Suggested the band name because it sounded like it was about frisky Hogwarts students.
Life goal was to be “bigger than Jedward.”
His first paid gig was modeling those gloves that are also sharks in a department store ad as a child.
Louis
Acts chill if you pronounce it “Lewis,” but seethes for hours after.
Hogwarts affiliation: Hot Slytherin.
He says his personal style is “sophisticated rocker-casual.”
But really, it is: small French girl with a secret.
Has definitely been hunting with foxhounds.
But just played with the dogs the whole time.
On a yearly basis, his management has had to turn down offers for him to play a smarmy Edwardian man on Downton Abbey.
His great-grandfather was the artist’s model for the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens.
No, that was a joke. Actually he is the Peter Pan statue from Kensington Gardens, cursed by an old witch to assume human form.
Falls on the “cake” side of the Jaffa Cake debate.
Even though they are biscuits.
Has a Youtube playlist of cheek and jawline toning exercises. They work.
One time, a makeup artist applied light highlighter and contouring to his cheekbones. They literally could cut a man. It was proclaimed “too much.”
Like Phoebe Buffay, insists that he receives 23 points instead of 3 in basketball “because I’m dainty.”
When he calls Harry, the image that pops up representing Louis is a Google image result for “haughty cat”:
Was forced to play Baby Jesus in four successive nativity plays because everyone agreed that you just sort of want to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe from harm.
Harry
When he has children, it’s because he will find a baby in a Moses basket in a woodland
Was found in a Moses basket in a woodland himself, maybe?
All I’m saying is that I’m willing to believe that he is a changeling:
File under: people who should be wrapped in swaddling clothes and lulled to sleep.
Is a cross between a glam rocker, the most charismatic student at a 1920s boys’ boarding school, and an English Springer Spaniel.
Hogwarts affiliation: Gryffindor, but “culturally Hufflepuff.”
Has a climate-controlled room in his house for his nice blouses.
Smells how you would expect Irish Spring soap to smell based on those commercials where wholesome yet sprightly men gallivant near a waterfall (not how the soap actually smells, which is like “clean uncle” if anything).
Oh. The spring is THERE, thanks.
Whenever they’re in a new city, everyone ends up looking around asking “where’s Harry?” Inevitably, he has gone off to befriend an old lady or a small child.
Has tree fort.
Has secret password to get into tree fort.
There is an elaborate secret handshakes as well.
Harry is working with a publishing company to create an adult coloring book based on his tattoos.
His house is scented with specially formulated candles that smell like exactly like autumn leaves and sunsets.
Can knit.
Over the course of a single ride to a venue, knit a pair of fingerless gloves for a tour driver whose handshake seemed a little cold.
When his boots need repair, he just leaves them outside his door and it is taken care of:
Has been described as a “little scamp” before, albeit less frequently than Louis.
Opposes the term “man bun” because “nobody should tell it what kind of bun it should be.”
Yeah, he has long hair, but you know what? Harry Styles cleans it out of the drain. Every time.
Has a dog-eared copy of Indian In The Cupboard next to his bed.
According to legend, a blind man and a deaf man used to walk together and help each other understand the world. They passed Harry Styles in the park. The blind man turned to the deaf, and solemnly said and signed “he prances.” “I know, I heard,” the deaf man replied.
Is Harry Potter and Christmas synonymous for anyone else? Ok great. Earlier this year, Emma Watson nabbed the role of Belle in the live-action Beauty and the Beast, which has wrapped since then and also features all the actors. All of them. But what would happen if the deep bench of HP players also starred in Disney reboot movies? We took a look.
Disney and Harry Potter, the entertainment franchises that brought magic to our childhood (and, um, teens and 20s), are now at one. Emma Watson – Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies – will be playing Belle in a live-action version of Beauty And The Beast! Belle was always my favorite Disney princess because she liked books. I had the redhead solidarity thing with Ariel, but even at age five I was like “Ariel, girl, get a grip. You look desperate.” But I digress. The Harry Potter movies were full of amazing actors, and the Disney movies have a bunch of awesome characters. Emma Watson as Belle is a good start, but I think we could make this a regular thing:
Alfie Enoch as Prince Eric, The Little Mermaid
Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid needs to be so dreamy that a mermaid – whose greatest joy is singing – gives her voice to a sea-witch so that she can get legs and like… hang out with him silently in a rowboat. Sounds like an awesome date. See what I mean about Ariel? Anyway, when I think “Hogwarts Dreamboat,” I think Alfie Enoch.
Rupert Grint as John Smith, Pocahontas
Ron Weasley had a lot of strong points, but he was sort of a borderline bro sometimes. The Disney version of that is John Smith in Pocahontas. He’s an imperialist dumb-dumb, but he’s so dopey that you can’t really hate him. There’s that spark of goodness in Ron, too, so we know that Rupert could balance the character’s likability with his more annoying traits.
Tom Felton as Hans, Frozen
Oh, Draco. You loved to hate him. For the character to work, the actor had to convey enough smoothness so that you believe that all of his teachers don’t absolutely hate him. Likewise, Hans has to SEEM like a nice guy to enough people that you don’t spend the whole movie going “uh, this jerk.” Just as it takes a smart actor to play a dumb person, it takes a nice actor to play a mean person. I think Felton’s up to the task.
Evanna Lynch as Rapunzel, Tangled
Luna Lovegood is one of my favorite Harry Potter characters. In both the books and the movies, she’s got a few screws loose but she’s not a one-note joke of a person. She has real feelings and, even though she’s a bit of a whackadoo, she’s smart and brave. Disney-wise, this is Rapunzel from Tangled. She’s not a floaty, sweet gal like Snow White or Cinderella – she’s a weirdo who hangs out with a chameleon. Both characters aren’t socially … you know, off …. by accident – they both had childhoods that meant they couldn’t quite fit in.
Alan Rickman as Scar, The Lion King
I get that Alan Rickman is a human person, not a lion. But otherwise, he’s proven that he can play a creepy avuncular villain. (Or, not villain, but admit it, for a while you really thought so!) They could just use those weird costumes from the Broadway musical or whatever.
Whomping Willow as Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas
Stunt casting? Eh, maybe, but who else are they going to get?
Jessie Cave as Those Triplets Who Were All Up On Gaston, Beauty And The Beast
Lavender Brown WAS the Hogwarts version of those hussies who were Gaston fangirls. I know there’s only one of her but they have to make a humanoid monster and dancing cups, I’m sure they can turn one person into three people.
Julie Walters as Mrs. Potts, Beauty And The Beast
Molly Weasley IS Mrs. Potts.
Hogsmeade as Belle’s Quaint Village, Beauty And The Beast
Hogsmeade, UK and Poor Provincial Town, France clearly had the same city planners.
This holiday season has been all about some movie called Star Wars, but if we dig into our noggins, we can remember back to last year when it was all about a musical called Into The Woods. I mean, not the same hoopla or box office intake, but like, to us, the same.
Over the holidays, two more stage to screen musicals made their debuts in the theatres – Annie and Into the Woods. One featured a scantily clad Cameron Diaz taking over a role made famous by Carol Burnett, and one has Meryl Streep singing songs adapted for the big screen by the OG composer and lyricist. We went to see one of those movies, and it rhymes with Shminto the Shwoods (it’s Into the Woods).
Into the Woods is classic Stephen Sondheim, with a difficult and sophisticated score and complex characters who thrive (or don’t, I guess) in a group setting. But Sondheim’s works are like onions – there are so many layers to it that it’s incomprehensible that he’s managed to incorporate so many themes and plot lines and characters into one cohesive production. It’s why he’s one of the greatest composers/lyricists to ever exist.
That being said, Into the Woods specifically tells the tale (or tales) of mostly pre-existing characters from several Brothers Grimm fairy tales. While the idea of keeping up with 15ish people’s lives sounds daunting, Sondheim, along with Rob Marshall who directed the film version, make the big screen version easy to follow, even for non-theater nerds who have no idea what they’re getting into. But if you do fit into that category and still need help delineating who’s who, we have come up with brief character bios for everyone in the musical.
*Editor’s note: we clearly made these up ourselves. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, this will all make more sense once you do. For now, just assume we’re hilarious.
Witch
Musical training: learned to “rap” from an early 1990s “hip hop” tape that teaches multiplication to fourth graders.
Hair inspiration: The “colorful hair” tag on Tumblr
Secret Wish: To be Elphaba in Wicked
Baker
High school superlative: Actual Prince Charming
Famous Relatives: Mr. Mellark
Baker’s Wife
Talents:grocery shopping without a written list
Non-talents:Staying near her damn cow
Personal gripe:Direct quote: “I have lived in my town for 15 damn years and nobody has even bothered to ask what my name is.” [It’s Wendy. No. Was it Stacy? Crystal. Probably. Wait… Lisa, maybe?]
Secret hobby: One-upping all of the other ladies on her infertility/ pregnancy planning message board. “Oh, that’s cute about your tilted uterus and IVF. I had a witch’s curse, and first we tried a cow as white as milk…” She seems sweet, but make no mistake: those broads hate her.
Cinderella
Hair inspiration:The prom issue of a late-90s Delia*s catalog
Height:Little Red / Jack
Weight: see above
Wardrobe secrets:really more into flats
Future career: organizing guru / sole proprietor of a housecleaning service
Side gig:motivational speaker, touring high schools with her presentation Losing My Shoe, Finding Myself: What I Learned In The Woods
Cinderella’s Dead Mother Tree
Famous relatives: Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas; Whomping Willow from Harry Potter
Weakness: Gossiping too much with the other trees about the fools running around the woods with cows and shit
Hidden talents: Nothing. She’s a tree.
Hobbies: photosynthesis, maybe?
Cinderella’s Prince
Arch nemeses: T.L.C. ( chases waterfalls, despite their admonitions)
Nickname: McStreamy
Favorite Cologne: Sex Panther
Cinderella’s Stepmother
Weird Fetish: Feet
Famous Relatives: Anjelica Houston
Florinda
Hairstyling Secret: Uses the Air Curler on the daily
Hair inspiration:Amy March
Dislikes: Open-toed shoes
Lucinda
Secret wish: To hook up with Elsa from Frozen
Occupation: Studying to be a ballerina, working exclusively en pointe.
Top Google hit: “Lucinda + feet”
Little Red
Occupation: Cautionary Tale
Personal motto: Nice is different than good
Arch nemesis:Sophia Grace from The Ellen DeGeneres show; everyone who has ever played Annie
Life goals:To be the first child in musical theater to achieve MALRAC (playing the roles of Matilda, Annie, Little Red, Amaryllis, and Cosette)
Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother
Allergies: Gluten
Famous Relatives: Old Rose from Titanic, Wendy Darling
Weaknesses: Befriending wild animals in the woods
The Wolf
Criminal background: Allegorical Rapist
Deepest Secret: Sort of … really obviously human
You may know him from the TLC special: I Swallowed Two Humans!: The Man With The Cavernous Stomach
Jack
Personal history:emerged fully formed from a 22-year-old’s “Future Children 🙂 ” Pinterest board
Life goals: to be the first child in musical theater to achieve a BEJOG (playing the roles of Billy Elliott, Jack, Oliver, and Gavroche)
Weakness: Peer pressure
Jacks’ Mother
Favorite TV shows: Dance Moms, House Hunters International, Gilmore Girls
Skills: Basketweaving, hairdressing, makes killer zucchini bread
Allergies: Beans
Giant
Famous Relatives: Jack Black (in Gulliver’s Travels), Shaq
Life Motto: “Size does matter”
Giant’s Wife
Dislikes: Little kids messing with magic beans and killing giants, never finding clothes that fit at Talbots or Chicos
You May Know Her From The I.D. Special: Dateline Nightline: When Giant Housewives Snap
The Beanstalk
Favorite pastime: Messing with people’s front yards
Fun fact: Was up for the role of venus flytrap Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors (1986), but deemed “not venus flytrap-y enough”.
Famous Relatives: The grapevine (of “heard it through the…” fame)
Rapunzel
Biggest secret:Shhh! They’re extensions.
Fun fact: Secretly has her own line of extensions she sells on Etsy
Secret Wish: To be a lounge singer on a Disney Cruise Line
Rapunzel’s Prince
Hair inspiration: Derrick from Full House
Secondary hair inspiration: Dawson Leery
Awards: Was named fastest climber in elementary school P.E. rope climb test
Cow
Occupation: Cow
Special Skills: Makes milk
Pet Peeves: Being led around a forest for hours by a kid and a singing British couple
Annoying habit: Says “my stomachs hurt!” whenever she doesn’t feel well. Yes. You have multiple stomachs. WE KNOW.
Stephen Sondheim
Occupation: Bad ass father of musical theatre
Brags The Most About: That one cameo he made in 2003 musical theatre film Camp (starring Anna Kendrick)
Fun Fact: Has Meryl Streep and Bernadette Peters’ phone numbers (probably)
If you’re still jonesing for more Amy and Tina after the epic SNL this weekend, go see Sisters. Or you can look back and read one of our favorite posts from our 5,000 Candles in the Wind series dedicated to Parks and Recreation before we said goodbye to it forever. Amy and the rest of the crew taught us a lot about life through the show, and we’ll be forever grateful.
We’ve come a long way since the pit. From Lil Sebastian to Champion, Rent A Swag to Entertainment 720, waffles to bacon, 2009 to 2017, there was a lot to love about Parks and Recreation. And tonight, we’ll say a goodbye that’s more sad than the Lil Sebastian farewell concert or Ann’s move to Michigan. Parks had a lot going for it: the best actors and writers in comedy, critical acclaim and a loyal fan base. But above all, it had more heart than any other sitcom on the air. The show’s outlook was overwhelmingly positive, and its protagonist was a hard worker with total loyalty to her town, her career and her friends. We learned more from Parks and Recreation than we have from any show since Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers. Dare we say? Everything we need to know we learned from Parks and Recreation.
Friends, Waffles, Work
Or waffles, friends work. No matter. In other words: priorities. Even Leslie, career-driven as she is, knows that work takes a back seat to the big things in life – your friends. And waffles, which in a broader sense you could interpret as something like “taking the time to enjoy life.” Except that I think she really does mean waffles.
Ovaries Before Brovaries
Again, file under: priorities. Parks is about the relationships between a wide net of coworkers, friends, and significant others. If Ben came along and it was The Leslie And Ben Show from that point on, there wouldn’t be much reason to watch. Leslie’s not the sort to get into a relationship and write off her friends. So, the “uteruses before duderuses” approach can be broadened into “don’t forget about your friends just because of relationship stuff.”
There’s also the great way Leslie is supportive of her lady friends, even when it’s tough. It wasn’t easy to accept Ann moving away, but Leslie encouraged her to do what was best for her family. And rather than get jealous that April was moving up in her career, Leslie helped facilitate the move. Leslie knows one of the greatest secrets in life – which is also one of our lessons from Parks and Recreation: when the members of your “team” succeed – whether it’s your friends, family, or coworkers – then that’s your success, too.
Treat Yo Self
You could say that Tom and Donna are a couple of silly geese, but no. They both work hard and play hard. The key to Treat Yo Self: it’s a once a year occurence. You don’t rack up credit card debt because you “deserve” good things, but every once in a while it’s good to enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Like Tom and Donna, it’s always nice to have a friend to back you up, so when you rationalize that you don’t really need those fine leather goods, a still small voice whispers “treat yo self.”
Say Thank You
I have a philosophy about the “sorry epidemic,” that is, the way people start or end sentences with “sorry” when they haven’t done anything wrong. My theory is that in most cases, what the person really means is either please or thank you. Rather than apologizing for being an inconvenience in advance, what they really mean to do is ask for something. And rather than apologizing for being an inconvenience in retrospect, what they mean to do is say thank you: thank you for accommodating me, or understanding, or going out of your way, or being supportive. People apologize for existing when they really want to thank other people for making their existence easier.
No show does “thank you ” better than Parks. Whether it’s the final moments before Ann leaves Pawnee, or April’s tear-inducing speech in D.C., these folks know how to thank the people who make their lives better. Next time you feel compelled to apologize when you haven’t really done something you shouldn’t, look deeper. Do you really want to say please or thank you instead?
Don’t Write The Concession Speech
In one of my classrooms growing up, there was a poster that said “Failure To Plan Is Planning To Fail.” But I also say that “Planning To Fail Is Planning To Fail.” School decor aside, it’s important to not behave as though the worst is going to happen. Ben doesn’t write a concession speech, because he doesn’t think that losing is a possible outcome.
Or maybe the better lesson is this: surround yourself with people who will think that you won’t need the concession speech. Maybe Leslie wouldn’t have won if her circle was full of people who assumed she wouldn’t succeed. Fill your life with the Bens to your Leslie: people who expect you to win, even more than you do yourself.
I Love You And I Like You
The phrase that Leslie and Ben often tell each other is quite endearing and sums up a perfect relationship. But the writers didn’t come up with it – Rashida Jones’ dad did. I believe Amy wrote the episode it first appeared in, and she revealed in an interview that when she was in Monte Carlo with Quincy Jones (as you do), he grabbed her face in his hands and said to her, “I love you and I like you.” Whether it be a significant other, family member a friend, or your daughter’s comedy wife, it’s important to not only let them know how you feel, but actually truly mean what you say. Anyone can say ‘love ya’ as a throwaway, but to add the ‘I like you’ part implies you enjoy them as a human being, enjoy their company, enjoy everything they have to offer.
Know Where Your Money Goes
Okay, on one hand, definitely treat yo self. On the other hand, don’t blow your budget on Harry Potter fantasy camp.
Of course, I would say that, I’m a Ravenclaw.
When You Love Something, You Fight For It
This speech from Leslie’s final statement as she vies for city council is the best summarization of Leslie Knope. “If you love something, you don’t threaten it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first… If I seem too passionate, it’s because I care. If I come on strong, it’s because I feel strongly.” Leslie Knope is one of the strongest, if not THE strongest female character ever on TV because she doesn’t back down. She fights for what she believes in, and she stands up not only for herself, but for those around her. It doesn’t just apply to her career, it applies to her friendships. From making unnecessary holidays to going to all costs to help a friend propose, Leslie will do anything in her power to see things get done. When it came to her relationship with Ben, she was willing to give up her career just to be with him. She said, ‘Let’s just screw it,’ and it eventually paid off. When you love something, you fight for it. As Ron Swanson said, “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” Leslie can proudly say she whole-assed a whole bunch of things.
“I like to tell people get on board and buckle up, because my ride’s gonna be a big one. If you get motion sickness, put your head between your knees, because Leslie Knope’s stopping for no one.”
Time Is Money; Money Is Power; Power is Pizza; Pizza is Knowledge
This is probably my favorite thing April has ever said on the entire series. First of all, the fact that she’s running this meeting is just great character development. I love character development. But no matter how ridiculous it sounds when it comes out, she usually has a point. In Pawnee in particular, there are a lot of randoms who have nothing better to do but complain, like that woman who is always too concerned about her dog and brings up her pooch problems at town meetings. These are the folks April and co. have to deal with and they don’t have time to sit around listening to droll residents all day. Also, pizza. Pizza is always a good choice.
Have Dating Standards
Ok, this might actually be one of the biggest takeaways I’ve had from the show. When Tom said this, he spoke to my soul on a deep level. The fact that Ann didn’t know who Ginuwine was (Ginuwine – is Ginuwine) was astonishing, and honestly, I, like Tom, don’t think I could ever date someone who didn’t know who he was. Speaking of Ann, in her days of going through guy after guy, she often had a tendency to change into the people she was dating. Like Julia Roberts in Runway Bride – she didn’t even know what type of egg she liked. It’s important to have simple standards for your ideal mate, because when you figure out what you want – like Ann wanted a kid – you will most likely get what you’re looking for.
There’s Always Paris
I kind of want this in a tattoo form but not, because it’s too long. Leslie always has a lot on her plate, but somehow she manages it all. She has time to make binders on how to be a garbage woman but also finds time to make a scrapbook about her “Thoughts on Sam Waterston“. So when something extremely stressful comes her way, like being recalled from city council, it’s important to just take a break from it all. We know Leslie loves her job, but it’s important to take a break once in a while. We get so caught up in the millions of things on our to do lists each day that we don’t actually take a chance to breathe and be present and let go of whatever is bothering us. Your trip to Paris doesn’t have to be Paris. Paris can be your favorite park or cafe or a place an hour away to the middle of nowhere. If you have the ability to get away, even for just a brief moment, do it.
Be a Good Person
When Leslie realizes her job is at stake because of her romantic relationship with Ben (and the fact that they bribed the maintenance guy during Lil Sebastian’s funeral to keep quiet), Leslie thinks it’s all over for her. But Ron, in his vast font of knowledge, reminds her that despite the fact she did a frowned upon/illegal thing, it doesn’t make her a bad person. I think this show overall has taught us that there is good in this world, and you can be part of bringing that to real life. Parks never puts anyone down, it inspires and encourages us to be better. We’re human. We make mistakes. But it’s what happens after the fact that shows our true character.
Inspire Yourself
Speaking of being inspirational, while Leslie Knope herself is a great inspiration to us all, she also remind us that often times, the best person to encourage you is yourself. I don’t think Leslie would be half the leader she is today if she never thought she could do it. Yeah, she has to remind herself at times she can reach her goals (“Hey Leslie. It’s Leslie. Hang in there. I love you. Bye.”) Sure, you can have people like Ben around you believing in you and not writing concession speeches, but when Leslie walked out on the stage and gave the speech (as seen above a few paragraphs), she was ultimately the one to give the impassioned statement. No one fed her lines, she went with her gut and her gut made her win.
Feminism Isn’t Just For Women
I am a goddess. a glorious female warrior, queen of all i survey. enemies of fairness and equality, hear my womanly roar. Also men’s rights is nothing.
Johnny Karate’s Rules for Success
I mean, I think that’s pretty self explanatory.
The Only Constant Is Change
Unfortunately, doppelganger Ron has a point. Returning for one of the final episodes, Eagleton Ron shows up like he usually does, out of nowhere, and gives sage advice, like a traveling Yoda who is easier to understand. As we say goodbye to the gang tonight, the gang says goodbye to each other. Ben and Leslie and Andy and April are moving to D.C., Tom’s getting married to Lucy, Donna’s enjoying married life with Joe and moving to Seattle, Ron has his construction company and family to tend to, and Chris and Ann are already off being domestic in Michigan. Oh and Garry’s the mayor (CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT). Despite the fact a lot has happened for the Parks department in the past seven/10 years, it was bound to change sometime. Leslie was always bigger than Pawnee, and while her dreams seemed far away in season one, we realize that it’s time for her to actually achieve those goals. She turned a pit into a playground and now it’s her turn to bring that same goal-oriented talent to D.C. And this show, no matter how much we love it, was bound to have its final episode whether we liked it or not. But we’ll find another show to like and love. Maybe not as much and not in the same way, but we will. We’ll move on. We’ll move up. And we’ll miss you in the saddest fashion.
ZOMG U GUYS IT’S FINALLY STAR WARS DAY CAN YOU EVEN CONTAIN YOUR EXCITEMENT??????????!!!?ASDFGHJKL;
I can.
Back in 2013 when we started these Internet shenanigans, I talked about Pop Culture Blind Spots for the first time. On that list of movies I’ve never seen was Star Wars. Two years later, we’ve not only expanded our resumes to include some of the most beloved films, but as of about a week ago, I am no longer a Star Wars virgin. That’s right kids, I can actually talk about the franchise without pretending to have seen it. Or least I can with the first movie.
I will say that what’s weird in the moments leading up to me watching this for the first time, I realized I’ve acquired some kind of pride, if you can call it that, in having never seen this mega iconic film in pop culture history. In many ways, this is the most blind I’ve ever been in our Pop Culture Blind Spot series. And somehow, there’s a part of me that wants to stay blind. Like, once I go into the galaxy, there’s no going back. I won’t have that badge of (dis?)honor anymore. But alas, as the kids say these days, “DO IT FOR THE VINE BLOG”.
Here we go. (PS: no trolling pls, star wars fans. i’m a n00b so calling me out on my wrongness is not only dumb but a waste of time. kthx)
The moment I press play, I say outloud, “I already hate this.” I’m gonna try real hard not to hate watch this.
I will say this score is epic. I almost got goosebumps and I have no emotional ties to this. YET.
Is this in Arial? Helvetica?
I know this movie starts out this way, but ugh, making me read a brief history of this universe before any action takes place is exhausting.
What’s a “Galactic Empire”?
Princess Leia is the hero going into this?
When is this supposed to be taking place? Like in the future? Is that a dumb question?
C-3PO is British?? IS R2-D2 British??
Oh shit Storm Troopers!! They already have WAAYY better lazer action than The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and it’s only a year later.
Oh hey Darth Vader! But like, how did you get on their ship so easily? He’s rollin in like a BO$$
Did Princess Leia just give the Death Star info to R2-D2???
I know that James Earl Jones is the voice of Darth, but he’s not in the costume, right?
Whoa, Leia’s such a badass! Shooting Stormies left and right! Oh she got caught.
C-3PO is already my favorite character. He’s like the sassy British butler.
WAIT LEIA IS WORKING AGAINST THE EMPIRE?? SHE’S A SECRET SPY?? HERCULES MULLIGAN?! (#We’reAHamiltonBlogNow)
I’ve clearly got this all wrong.
“We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.” – C-3PO
The way C-3PO walks is like he’s constipated.
Also, like where does C-3PO think he’s going in the middle of this desert? Who does he think he is, BOWE BERGDAHL?? #currentevents
“That malfunctioning little twerp” C-3PO HAHAHAHAHA
Do robots need food or anything? Like do they need recharge their batteries? I know nothing.
OMG THESE WOOKIES (?) SHOOTING R2 AND R23 FALLING OVER I’M DEAD
Could’ve sworn R2 just yell “What the heckk?? let me goooo” as the wookies take him to their ship or whatever
Was this scene the inspiration for WALL-E?
so i’m not the first one to think of this then?
“Do you think they’ll melt us down?” C-3PO, asking a legit question. I am concerned as well.
Are C3 & R2 being sold as slaves to the rebels?? WHY IS HE LEAVING R2 BEHIND WHAT AN ASS. oh ok he’s saving him nvm.
How old is Luke supposed to be? He’s acting like a 12 year old, maturity wise.
Leia’s white hooded outfit is very Gaga-esque
“What message? The one you’re carrying inside your rusty innards!” C-3PO before hitting R2
So Obi-Wan and Darth are maybe friends and Luke’s Aunt & Uncle want to hide their existence from him? I feel like I’m missing a lot of information.
What’s with these weird swipes to the next scene, George Lucas?
Luke’s aunt is putting some kind of green vegetable in a steamer where is she getting/planting these things? They live in the desert. Is there a secret greenhouse somewhere?
Holy smokes these sandpeople are terrifying
“Ben Kenobi” sounds like the name of the half-Asian, half-Jewish kid from your childhood who went by Benny Kenobi all through high school but wanted to be more “mature” in college and told everyone his name was Ben.
I admire Luke’s loyalty to a droid he’s just met.
Obi-Wan/Ben Kenobi used to be a Jedi Knight with Luke’s “Dad”. SPOILER I KNOW WHO YOUR DAD IS.
Darth Vader “betrayed and murdered” Luke’s father. So he’s like the Voldemort of Star Wars. Obi Wan is Dumbledore. Leia is Hermione. Chewie is Hedwig. The Light Saber is a wand from Ollivander’s.
I’m legit taking notes on plot points, because I’m somehow deeply invested in this. But also because I’m already getting confused. What’s Alderaan?
“I can’t get involved I’ve got work to do.” – Luke. WHERE THO?
*Weird side swipe transition, take a shot*
OH SHIT did Luke’s Aunt and Uncle’s compound just get incinerated??
This is the face of a made not to be fux with
*Weird side swipe transition, take a shot*
Are we going to find out why Darth sounds like he has asthma?
Is Darth about to put Veritaserum in Leia to spill her secret?
Obi Wan did a weird Jedi minD TRICK OH MY GOD I JUST GOT THAT REFERENCE LEGITIMATELY
Luke and the team are in a bar that looks like it could be a sketch on SNL. The music is Speakeasy-esque
I legit just yelled out, “CHEWIE!”, as if I care about this creature BECAUSE MAYBE I DO NOW. MAYBE I DO.
Uh racial discrimination against droids WTF? And some dudes straight up told Luke they don’t like him. Find another bar, y’all. Sidenote: is this the Cantina that Lin-Manuel is writing music for the new movie?
I hear, “I’m Han Solo” and immediately look up from writing. What a national treasure, that Harrison Ford.
So he’s the captain of the Millennium Falcon? Also he’s pronouncing “Falcon” as “FAWL-cohn”, not “FAL-ken”
($)10,000 what kind of currency do they use here?
Han is loungin’ like a mothafucka
He also just killed that creature under the table and no one in the bar cared? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So Jabba the Hut is disgusting, huh?
I’d like to reiterate how much better the lazer special effects are in this movie than Rocky Horror. I’m v impressed with the special effects in this in general. It’s not as horrible/hokey as I thought it was going to be.
“I forgotten how much I hate space travel” – C-3PO, who is unfortunately in the biggest space-set movie of all time.
Wait so Leia is British? Are all the Empire folk British??
Obi Wan is feeling something terrible has happened like Dumbledore circa Half Blood Prince
Chewie’s look while playing R2 during this weird chess-like game is hilar
How is the Millennium Falcon just cruising into Darth’s planet or whatever.
Oh they’ve hidden themselves in a hidden compartment.
“Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?” Wise words from Obi Wan. Wait is Yoda in this movie??
The force will be with you. *And also with you* IS SOMETHING CATHOLICS DON’T SAY ANYMORE.
So Han and Luke are constantly at odds and are acting like brothers. Is that a secret twist too?
“I can’t see a thing in this helmet” Luke, a space cinnamon roll
How is Chewie walking around all unnoticeable. It’s like if Andre the Giant was trying to blend in with Oompa Loompas.
After failing to trick one of Stormtroopers, Han shoots the console and says, “Boring conversation anyway,” which is now how I get out of unwanted phone calls.
Luke goes to save Leia and there’s obviously a connection there. Also, I honestly thought Luke and Leia were an item but also knew in my subsconscience that they’re siblings (spoiler alert?) so this is a weird feeling.
“Somebody has to save our skins!”
LEIA THO
“Wonderful girl. Either I’m going to kill her or I’m beginning to like her.” Han hittin us with some foreshadowing.
Da Fuq is grabbing Luke in this trash heap?? It’s like a sea monster. This is why I don’t throw myself down garbage chutes.
This garbage compact scene is not as stressful as it could be, since I know they all made it to the sequels. This is exactly why I don’t like spoilers. I liked feeling stressed.
This entire scene:
“It’s them! Blast them!” – Who says that before shooting intruders? Just do it and shut up.
Do lazer guns run out of ammo???
I hope there’s a scene in the future where C-3Po is revealed and it’s like, Daniel Radcliffe the whole time.
I feel like there should have been epic John Williams music during the Darth/Obi showdown, no?
Wait Obi just let Darth kill him after seing Luke??? Is Obi Wan only in this first movie??
Leia has a lot of makeup on for someone who has been in space jail
LOLZ at Luke and Han discussing Leia’s love
Leia has a few marks on her Gaga outfit after a straight up showdown against the Empire?! That entire thing she have turned black.
I will say I like how there’s no trace of 1977 in this movie. Everyone looks like they could be from the future… which is I guess the point of all this.
Han’s main characteristic = a little bitch
Luke has a friend?? Also the name of the first children’s book in the Star Wars series (I’m assuming). Said friend is concerned for his safety but like where did he come from?
Aw precious, C3 is concerned about R2’s safety!
Luke hears Obi Wan saying, ‘The force will be with you,’ before he goes out to attack the Death Star, so is he playing the ultimate Jedi mind trick and giving him advice in his mind for the rest of time?
I feel like we’re in Top Gun again.
Wait where has Leia’s dad been this entire time??
Just like Top Gun, Maverick has to save the day, despite her friend dying. Basically what I’m learning here is all the movies and books have stolen from Star Wars.
Oh no R2!!! C3 is willing to donate his organs to save R2!!!!!!! THE MOST PRECIOUS.
Luke has saved the day and at the celebration ceremony (?) Leia only wears white, Han only has that one vest and Luke had a hidden jacket that he got from Peter from Guardians of the Galaxy.
R2 IS ALL BETTER NOW THANK WOOKIE HES’ OK IT’S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT
Final thoughts:
After viewing this, I literally thought, ‘I need to watch the next two movies so I’m not spoiled.’ HELLO. So many feelings. If you’ve gotten this far, you can tell I go INTO it. I luckily didn’t have to hate watch it because I’m pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed watching it. Like I mentioned in my very first Pop Culture Blind Spot post, Star Wars wasn’t a thing I grew up with. I know a lot of folks were introduced by family members, but my immigrant parents weren’t into this stuff, so I had no connection to it. Two years ago I said I had no interest in watching it, and TBH, IDK if I would’ve seen it if it weren’t for this post. Eventually, I guess I would’ve forced myself. Anyways, the point is, people change. I, like Han, discovered a cold heart can warm up to strangers after they’ve gone through war together. I’ve gone through my personal Star Wars, and in all honesty – I would go through the war all over again.
Cookies + Sangria 