20 Things You Should Stop Wearing By Age 30

Hi, Adult Ladies!

At 30 years old, I haven’t had this much trouble dressing myself since I was a toddler in the 1900s -and we have internet listicles to blame. Everywhere I look it’s “30 Things You Need To Toss By 30” and “20 Things Women Over 30 Should Stop Wearing Immediately.” Job interview suit? Apparently I should trade it in for some big pants. Body-con dresses? Not my style – but if they were, it would be time to swap it for one that goes all the way down my back for some reason.

I hate to generate more confusion for my 30-and-up pals, but I can write things on the internet, too. Here are the 30 things that I, personally, think you should stop wearing by age 30.:

1. One Half Of A Locket You Were Given At Birth Before You Were Sent To The Orphanage

Hire a private investigator, Ashley. Make a shareable Facebook post. WHATEVER. It’s time.

2. An Ebenezer Scrooge-Style Nightcap

You know those long floppy hats people used to sleep in in the 1700s? SUCH a 20s move. Unless you work in a living history museum or your head is chilly or you like it.

3. Bug Spray

We’re old now. Just let the bugs bite you. Winter will fall soon enough.

4. A Cursed Gemstone

You’ve GOT to get that thing exorcised, Jessica. We’ve told you.

5. Moon Shoes As Regular Shoes

 

Have I wanted shoes that were tiny trampolines for my feet since 1995? Yes. Do I wear them to the office? No, Brittany. The rest of us DO NOT WEAR THEM TO THE OFFICE.

6. Masks On Regular Days

If you wear a mask, and it’s not Halloween or Mardi Gras or a costume party or V for Vendetta, and there’s not medical reason, I’m going to think you have something to hide — and that thing is your face.

7. Your Prom Dress, To Work

8. Your Work Dress, To Prom

9. Brass Knuckles But Made Of Ring Pops

Although getting hit by candy-slobber might be even worse than getting straight-up hit with brass knuckles. Never mind. As you were.

10. Stolen Clothing

Not that I necessary believe in bad karma, but I do and this is.

11. A Smile On Command

Anyone who tells you to smile deserves a frown.

12. Your Childhood D.A.R.E. Shirt, Ironically

They were so earnest, you know?

13. A Skirtless Bathing Suit

Like how little boys would be breeched in Victorian times or how marriageable girls would wear their hair up… also in Victorian times, skirted bathing suits are a fashion rite of passage. Nothing hides a three-decades-old butt like the world’s smallest skirt. I don’t make the rules.

[Note: I find bathing suit skirts cute. It’s happening.]

14. Pants

Oh, you can wear them, but we have to call them slacks now.

15. Old Lady Makeup From A Play

On stage, fine. Off stage, we are TOO OLD FOR THIS. Someone could really think you’ve lived a lot of years.

16. A BE -FRI Necklace If You Aren’t Still ST -ENDS With Whoever Has The Other Half

No one wants to be the ST -ENDS so I assume you’re not wearing that.

17. Your Friend’s Glasses To See How They Look

Why do you keep trying on your friends’ glasses to see how they look when you know you can only see a blur? Molly. You’ve done this since you were 5. Learn a lesson.

[I’m Molly, yes.]

18. A Character Costume As A Disney Guest

This is actually real. Adult guests cannot dress up as characters at Disney. To think I’ll never experience the Bibidi Bobidi Boutique…

19. Kleenex Box Shoes

Find your shoes, your house is a mess.

20. Anything You Don’t Like

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Rex Manning Day, Mean Girls Day and More: Essential Pop Culture Holidays

In The Great Gatsby, Daisy always watched for the longest day of the year and then missed it. In the age of tumblr, I always watch for Saturday Detention Day, AKA Breakfast Club Day, and then miss it. I kind of understand how Daisy must feel. In the interest of never missing another movie or TV holiday, we’re compiling them here. Did we miss any? Let us know before we’re late to yet another Aaron Samuels Day.

Galentines Day

Date: February 13
TV Show: Parks and Recreation (2009 – 2015)
Reasoning:

Leap Day

Date: February 29, every 4 years
TV Show: 30 Rock
Reasoning: 30 Rock didn’t invent Leap Day, but it did invent Leap Day William, the heart and soul of the holiday

The Day Of The Dude

Date: March 8
Movie: The Big Lebowski (1998)
Reasoning: Anniversary of the Big Lebowski’s Release

Breakfast Club Day AKA Saturday Detention Day

Date: March 24
Movie: The Breakfast Club (1984)
Reasoning:

Winston Smith Day AKA 1984 Day

Date: April 4
Book: 1984, by George Orwell (1949)
Reasoning: The day Winston Smith began his diary.

Rex Manning Day

Date: April 8
Movie: Empire Records (1995)
Reasoning:

The Perfect Date

Date: April 25th
Movie: Miss Congeniality
Reasoning:

N Sync Day

Date: April 30
Song: It’s Gonna Be Me
Reasoning:

The Battle of Hogwarts

Date: May 2
Book and Movie: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Reasoning: Confirmed by J.K. Rowling, who said that Victoire Weasley was born on the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, May 2. The year was 1998:

Star Wars Day

Date: May 4
Movies: Many
Reasoning:

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Date: June 5
Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
 Reasoning: It’s iffy. That’s the day the audio from the Chicago Bears game they attended came from, but there may have been a few months left in the schoolyear. Also, that parade would have been in the fall. Let’s say that any day you play hooky can be Ferris Bueller Day in your heart.

Best Friends Day

Date: June 8
TV Show: Spongebob Squarepants
Reasoning: There’s no date given for Best Friends Day in the episode where Spongebob and Patrick celebrate it, so it’s usually celebrated on the Facebook-ish holiday of Best Friends Day, June 8

Bloomsday

Date: June 16
Book: Ulysses, by James Joyce (1922)
Reasoning: The events of Ulysses (main character Leopold Bloom) take place on June 16, 1904

Harry Potter’s Birthday

Date: July 31
Books/Movies: The Harry Potter series
Reasoning: Not only is this the date Harry was born in 1980, it’s when JK Rowling was born in 1965. And of course, Neville Longbottom was born the day before Harry if you want to turn it into a two-day event.

Roald Dahl Day

Date: September 13
Books: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG, Matilda, James and the Giant Peach, and many, many more
Reasoning: Roald Dahl was born on this day in 1916. Last year we celebrated with a whole week dedicated to Matilda.

Mean Girls Day AKA Aaron Samuels Day

Date: October 3
Movie: Mean Girls (2004)
Reasoning:

Treat Yo Self Day

Date: October 13
TV Show: Parks and Recreation (2009 – 2015)
Reasoning: The ‘treat yo self’ episode aired on this date in 2011

Abed’s Rudolph Day

Date: December 9
TV Show: Community (2009 – 2015)
Reasoning: In the classic 2010 claymation episode Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas, this is the day Abed always watches Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer with his mom. 

Refrigerator Day

Date: December 11
TV Show: Dinosaurs (1991)
Reasoning: The date this classic episode about Refrigerator Day aired:

 

Festivus

Date: December 23
TV Show: Seinfeld  (1989 – 1998)
Reasoning: The day the holiday ‘for the rest of us’ is celebrated with the feats of strength, airing of grievances and Festivus pole.

 

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Logan Everett, The Boy American Girl Doll

There’s something different about the newest American Girl doll. It’s a boy. Which is a fine thing to be, if you’re a human, but I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction was more like:

As if white boys couldn’t already be EVERYTHING, now they’re an American Girl doll? Ugh. What would Felicity think? (Trick question, she’d just note whether they wore the same britches size in case she had to steal another pair under cover of darkness.) Okay, also the boy looks like this:

Of course he does.

Anyway, the Boy American Girl is named Logan Everett.

Of course he is.

Logan is apparently the drummer for the doll version of 2008-era Taylor Swift. As the latest addition to our series Things I’m Willing To Believe About, here are some things I am willing to believe about Logan Everett, Boy American Girl:


His working name was Logan Bruno because he was 100% based on Logan Bruno, boy associate member of the Baby-Sitters Club. He’s even Southern.

Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?

Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?

Logan would like to invite you to a fun laser tag outing with his youth group.

His dad is in the worship band. Logan’s first performance was Lord I Lift Your Name On High.

 

The original plan was for Boy American Girl Doll Logan Everett to be a historical character from 1994. He would have had the requisite Cute Boy In The 90s Haircut (see: Rider Strong), a plaid flannel with a heather gray hood, and you could buy him a scaled-down, working Talkboy for $19.99.

Like this.

Like this.

In a frozen pioneer cemetery in Minnesota, Logan’s great-great-great-great grandmormor Kirsten is rolling over in her grave due to his coddled and simple lifestyle.

He calls his dog a rescue dog but it’s just a regular dog.

Logan rarely looks up from his Nintendo DS when he is forced to visit his great-grandma Molly. To be fair, all of her “harrowing war stories” are, like, “one time I curled my hair when it was wet and I got a cold” and “I ate turnips, once.”

Get a grip, Molls.

Get a grip, Molls.

I’m not saying Logan smirks mockingly at people, I’m just saying that doll is smirking mockingly at me, right? 

That face where you dropped something on your shirt and he's not gonna laugh, he's just gonna stare at you.

That face where you dropped something on your shirt and he’s not gonna laugh, he’s just gonna stare at you condescendingly.

His parents buy Lunchables.

And Sunny D.

And maybe Cheez Wiz?

Logan’s instagram is all skating pictures he stole off of other people’s instagrams (he doesn’t skate) and quotes.

Just really wants to bring hacky sack back.

Is the main character’s older brother who the best friend has a crush on on a Disney show.

If his name wasn’t Logan, it would have been Hunter. Or Kyler.

Was the first kid in his class whose parents didn’t care if he watched PG 13 movies.

Was in a commercial for a local amusement park 2 years ago and finds way more ways to bring it up than you’d think.

Boy band role: the one moms are OK with

Logan “thinks you look prettier without makeup,” but also thinks “no makeup” looks like concealer, light, well-blended foundation and bronzer, neutral eye shadow, lightly smudged dark brown liner, full mascara and lip gloss

Also “Tthinks you look prettier when you don’t do you hair;” hot rollers and highlights.

I understand this is supposed to be a country musician but I still kind of feel like on Myspace c. 2005 his favorite music would have been “anything but country lol.”

 

Always has to show you this hilarious video he found on YouTube.

Things We Need To Revisit From The 2017 Grammy Awards

It’s 2017, and we’ll take our heroes where we can find them. We love all our feet-on-the-ground workers and thinkers and doers, but even the Grammy Awards had their slate of performers and guests who saved the show from being a hum-drum night of pop hits and elevated it to the next level. Picks are in no particular order and there’s gonna be a lot of Beyonce. Just so you know.

Beyonce

My explanation for Beyonce’s performance: when you’re in an art museum, and you’re expecting to walk into another gallery room, but it’s actually a video installation and there’s movement, light, color and sound all around you.  Just a few of the amazing features of this performance, because we all know that YouTube video isn’t staying up:

  • Beyonce looking like some kind of pregnant Renaissance painting subject
  • Beyonce also looking like some religious fresco subject
  • Hologram Tina, Bey and Blue
  • That crown. Statue of liberty? Space queen? Egyptian deity? Halo? All of the above?
  • Every single one of those dancers
  • That kind of last supper thing.
  • Bey reenacting the move that always made our teachers tell us that we’d crack our head open if we leaned back in our chair like that.
  • My realization that almost 4 minutes passed before Bey even sang.
  • That time she sang right into all of our souls, personally and individually, all at the same time.
  • Jay-Z’s look of pride and adoration.
Tribe Called Quest

A Tribe Called Quest is exactly the group we need, back exactly when we need them. This video’s going away soon too (we are waiting and hoping for an official, sanctioned vid), so here’s what we love:

  • The fact that they performed We The People, the same fantastic song they did on SNL just days after the election, which came true in the intervening months.
  • The moniker “President Agent Orange”
  • That classic throwback with Award Tour
  • When the wall broke down
  • The fierce looking hijabi standing center stage
  • Everyone processing down the aisles
  • The raised fist
  • The presence of Phife Dawg so strong it was almost like he was there
Chance The Rapper

Both his win and his performance. I included one of Lil Chano’s Acid Rap songs on our summer 2013 playlist. For a few years after, I was worried that one of the most promising and talented new rappers was out of the scene. Lucky for all of us, Coloring Book is making huge waves. These wins – Best New Artist, Best Rap Performance and Best Rap Album – aren’t JUST huge for Chance’s career, they’re a huge moment for indie rap in general.

“I’m gonna talk. Y’all can play the music if you want. I want to thank God for my team. I know a lot of people think independence means you do it by yourself, but independence means freedom. I do it with these folks right here. Glory be to God, I claim the victory in the name of the Lord, let’s go!”

Adele

I think Adele is incredibly talented. I mean, we’re past objectivity with her: there’s no ‘I think’ about it; Adele IS incredibly talented. That said, I was pulling for Lemonade for the Album Of The Year win. Of all the nominees, I thought it was the best-crafted and most innovative: it was the album that would define 2016, above the others. Still, Adele seems like such a genuine and kind person that I can’t help but be happy for her good fortune. Besides, she was pulling for Lemonade too. She pulled a Cady Heron and broke up her award:

“My artist of my life is Beyonce and this Lemonade album is just monumental. It was so monumental and so well thought-out and soul-baring, and we all got to see another side to you that you don’t always let you see. And all of the artists here, we all fucking adore you. You are our light. And the way you make me feel, the way you make my Black friends feel, is empowering, and you make them stand up for themselves. I love you, and I always will.”

It’s 2017, we’ve come a long way as a people, and Adele just “I’m’a let you finish”-ed herself.

Blue Ivy

Blue Ivy in a pink Gucci power suit with a black panther on the back, because she’s Beyonce’s girl already and you can be adorable and make a statement at the same time.

Blue Ivy cheering for her mother’s win.

Hologram Blue Ivy.

Blue rushing in to the Carpool Karaoke car to save a failing bit.

Blue showing her purse to her bestie during Bey’s speech.

Blue Ivy Carter is our future. It’s her world, and we just live in it.

Blue Ivy’s Friend Madison

This woman of mystery is so enigmatic that I found myself searching “2017 Grammys seating chart,” “Jay Z niece” and “does Beyonce have a cousin.” It took days to learn that Blue’s gal pal is Madison Brown, daughter of Roc-Nation co-founder Jay Brown. Blue Ivy gets a front row guest when half of the entertainment industry can’t even get a ticket (okay, I GUESS Madison was there with her dad), and Madison was living her best life and making the most out of this awesome school night outing. I’d never really want to be famous,  but Blue’s mystery friend proves that having a famous bestie might be the best gig of all. Madison mugged for the camera and, wither her impeccable white-silver dress, proved that she won’t just be singing backup.

Drunk Chrissy Teigen and Helpful John Legend

Chrissy Teigen is hilarious, fun, and exactly the kind of person I would like to have in all of my group texts. She’s also one of my favorite famous people because she DOES.IT.RIGHT. Like, she really enjoys the perks and parties that go with her lifestyle instead of appearing blase or too cool for it. John Legend is every guy trying to figure out how girl clothes and jewelry work, and earned himself an internet Relationship Goals badge in the process (“why would I be mad at you? You’re perfect.” Cherish him, Chrissy. I mean, we know you do.)

True, but unfortunately when you’re single and drunk you have to take off all of your own jewelry, and it’s HARD.


In conclusion, the Grammys were great, A Tribe Called Quest just might save us, Blue Ivy is a blessed child of the light, and Chrissy Teigen is invited to all of my texts forever.

Best of 2016: The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians

Welcome to Day 2 of our Best of 2016 (wherein we pretend good things happened in 2016). But seriously, on our very short list of great things about 2016, the summer Olympics are near the top. As always, we were inspired and amazed for two weeks and became mega-fans of athletes we hadn’t even heard of weeks before. But 2016 had to be 2016, so there was still some weird sexism stuff, because of course there is. Our reaction: the Margaret Abbott Awards, highlighting baffling treatment of female olympians (and named in honor of first female ‘medalist,’ Margaret Abbott. And yes, medalist is in quotes because they gave her a bowl instead).


The Margaret Abbott Awards For Baffling Treatment Of Female Olympians

(click on link for full post)

Dan ‘He’s Responsible’ Hicks

Longtime NBC commentator Dan Hicks hit headlines after the 400m individual medley in swimming, when Hungarian swimmer Katinka Hosszu won the gold but also shattered the previous world record. During the program, he noted that Katinka’s husband and coach, Shane Tusup is “the man responsible” for making his wife the swimming champion she is today. Viewers were quick to take note of Dan’s wording, because, homegirl just killed it in the pool, yet this dry dude on the sidelines is “responsible” for the gold medal? OK. Dan Hicks later clarified his comments, saying, “It is impossible to tell Katinka’s story accurately without giving appropriate credit to Shane, and that’s what I was trying to do.”

There’s also more of a backstory with this couple, because apparently Shane’s poolside enthusiasm can turn scary, with other swimmers noting his extreme anger, calling it “inappropriate” and “not OK”. But again, Dan Hicks has an interesting view on his hard love, “It’s been a little disturbing to some of the other swimmers who have observed it,” he said on-air, according to the AP. “But he has turned her into a tiger in the pool.”

Dan Hicks is awarded… The GOLDEN ABBIE

Perfect for: The blood, sweat, and tears of Katinka, Shane Tusup in mini-form to stay afloat for all eternity

“Female Michael Phelps”

Katie Ledecky, 19 years old,  won four gold medals and a silver in the 2016 Olympics. She set a world record for the 400-meter freestyle … then she broke it herself. She finished the 800-meter freestyle so quickly that she had 11 seconds to cool her heels before the silver medalist even reached the wall. All of this is enough for the Daily Mail to name Ledecky the “female Michael Phelps.” For its part, NBC commentator Rowdy Gaines remarked that “some people say she swims like a man” before telling us why that’s false. Few things here:

A.) “Some people say” is a tired vehicle for introducing opinions a journalist or commentator doesn’t want to own (see also: “some people say women aren’t funny” in any interview with a female comedian).

B.) “Some people” need to stop saying a woman does something “like a man” when she does it well. Clearly Katie Ledecky swims like a woman since she, you know, is one.

These Male Rita Skeeters are awarded… The SILVER ABBIE

Perfect for: Serving alphabet soup so they can figuratively eat their words.

Playlist of the Month: YouTube Superstars

Back in the early 2000s, we thought American Idol was going to change the way artists broke into the music business. It seemed so democratic – WE could pick the next singing sensation instead of waiting for music execs to tell us! We didn’t see the bigger change on the horizon. Since YouTube was founded in 2005, anybody with a camera and an internet connection can exhibit their talent to a potential audience of millions. The result: some of today’s top artists first gained worldwide exposure without even leaving their living rooms. With a mix of signed musicians and the more internet-famous, here are some of the best YouTube-made artists (*that we actually know about – there’s a whole YouTube culture out there and frankly, we’re not hip to it).

Traci’s Picks

Karmin

Amy and Nick met while attending Berklee and posted covers of songs on YouTube, including this one of Look at Me Now by Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes. Busta Rhymes, who’s known for his mile a minute raps. And she clearly kills it. It went viral and even caught the attention of Ellen DeGeneres, who brought them on her show and all the exposure led them to a record deal. Their Look at Me Now vid has over 101 million views and they went on to find success with their subsequent album, including my jam off their Hello album – Brokenhearted. Not brokenhearted – Amy and Nick. They got married earlier this year.

Troye Sivan

If you don’t know who Troye Sivan, just ask your 20 year old cousin or intern at work. Troye is 21, which means he grew up posting covers of himself singing on YouTube, and he soon transitioned to being a vlogger, which is how he helped accrue his over 4 million subscribers and more than 243 million views. One of his vids even won him a Teen Choice Award. For real. A few years ago, he made a coming out video which gained a lot of traction, and next thing you know, he was named one of the 25 Most Influential Teens by Time magazine. He focused back on music and last year he released his first full studio album, with electropop jams like Wild and Youth. Seriously, y’all – he’s kind of a big deal.

Carly Rae Jepsen

Ok, so Carly found fame in Canada before this video went viral (see: Canadian Idol, third place season five), but she became a worldwide sensation after Justin Bieber posted this “star-studded” lip sync video. Not only is Ashley Tisdale in it, but Jelena stans were going crazy that their fave couple was showing off publicly. As we all know, Call Me Maybe became THE song of the summer, and one of the greatest pop hits of this decade. And now Carly Rae is a Pop Queen, and if you disagree, I implore you to listen to her latest album, E•MO•TION in its entirety and dare to argue with me afterwards.

Lennon and Maisy

We wrote about Lennon and Maisy when this blog was just a baby, because we were two of the millions of people who fell in love with these siblings’ covers on YouTube. Their videos also caught the attention of the folks over at Nashville (the show) and they moved to Nashville (the city) to star in the series, which they’ve been recurring characters for the past four seasons. And their harmonies are as on point as ever.

Justin Bieber

We all know Bieber’s story. I thought he was cute when I first saw these vids years ago. Then he went through some troubling times, and if we’re being honest, now I’m a Belieber. Sorry is still my boo, and you can’t convince me otherwise. Also, if you want to feel some emotions (no matter your views on Bieber), here’s Usher surprising the crowd at JB’s recent Atlanta tour to sing U Got It Bad.

Molly’s Picks

Postmodern Jukebox

Before YouTube, people performing covers – even creative, beautifully arranged covers – were confined mostly to open mike nights or coffeehouse gigs. Now a wider audience can see that covers aren’t just someone else’s song: they’re a way to reimagine lyrics and melody to create something completely new. Enter Postmodern Jukebox. Their tagline is “today’s hits, yesterday” and they perform modern, popular songs in a way they might have sounded at a juke joint 60 years ago.

Chloe and Halle

They’ve been dubbed the “first superstars of the Beyonce Generation” – gaining fame on YouTube, landing a guest spot on Ellen, visiting the White House and ultimately appearing in Lemonade and performing at the BET Awards. These sisters are also talented, sweet, and the recipients of some seriously top-shelf genes. Nice generation, B.

Alessia Cara

Before Alessia’s ‘can’t I just stay home’ anthem (Here) was all over the airwaves, she made her name performing YouTube covers from her Canadian home. In just a few years she went from this one cover of Sweater Weather that everyone was sharing to supporting Coldplay on tour and winning a Juno.

Leroy Sanchez

Couldn’t resist going Double YouTube on this one. Leroy Sanchez is a YouTuber from Spain, and while he usually sings in English, Bieber’s Sorry sounds even better in Spanish.

Nick Pitera

Like Postmodern Jukebox, I like that this artist offers something that you wouldn’t hear on the radio. Namely: covering both the male and female parts in songs in a way that’s almost superhuman. It’s almost impossible to listen to one of his medleys without smiling. Guys. He even covered that song from Home Alone and Adele’s Hello in three octaves.

Playlist of the Month: Singer Says What Now?!

A bit of a contrahversay went down recently when a Buzzfeed article pointed out that “everyone’s been mishearing one lyric on the iconic Jennifer Lopez/Ja Rule hit I’m Real song wrong for years. YEARS. Apparently a handful of folks thought JLo was saying, “Are you Ellie?” in the beginning, when in reality, she was saying, “R.U.L.E.”, because, you know, Ja Rule. I personally was offended by this post because duh, logically it makes no sense she would be asking Ja if he’s some rando named ‘Ellie’. And if she’s not asking Ja, who is she asking? Spelling out names in songs is cool and hip, which is why THOSE ARE THE REAL LYRICS.

But I get it. we all make mistakes. We all mishear lyrics from time to time, even if you realize just how dumb you sounded when you were singing the wrong ones. Here are a few we’ve mistakenly been “Ellie-ing” for years.

Listen to the entire playlist on Spotify!

Molly’s Picks

Roll To Me by Del Amitri

Let’s forget that the song is titled Roll To Me. I thought the lyrics were “the right time and the wrong me” from third grade through, oh, age 27 or so, when I tried to look up the song for a little nostalgia boost and couldn’t find it with the words I was using. But think about it: the video is the heads of the band members on babies. It’s the right time but the WRONG ME because he is still a BABY. Plus “right time, wrong me” makes sense whereas “roll to me” isn’t an expression … is what I thought for about 20 years.

Trap Queen by Fetty Wap

For over a year, I was completely positive that Fetty Wap was in the kitchen cooking prawns with his baby. Part of it is how he says “pies,” part of it is that everyone knows that you don’t cook a pie, you bake it. By the way, I learned this one via the change.org petition to have Fetty Wap perform this at Nancy Reagan’s funeral.

I Melt With You by Modern English

I learned I had the words wrong in the most embarrassing and most common way you can learn you have the words wrong: singing along with the song at one of my trashy house parties in college. One of my friends stopped, looked and me, and said “that’s cute, you’re changing the lyrics to be about me and you.” Nope. Just an idiot who thought that Modern English was saying “I’ll stop the world and marry you.” Evidently diction isn’t part of the Modern English curriculum.

Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze

You’re going to need to understand that leprechauns were having a moment in the early to mid 90s. The movie Leprechaun really elevated the tiny Irish guys to a menacing figure worthy of horror films and rap lyrics. That’s why I thought Ini Kamoze was professing to be the “leprechaun gangster” for over a decade. “We don’t die, yes we multiply” even sounded like the concept of a leprechaun-based B-movie.

The Shoop Shoop Song by Betty Everett

It’s not just that, throughout my childhood, I thought she was saying “if you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kids.” It’s also that I created an elaborate scenario where it was a song about a woman falling for a single dad. I watched a lot of Full House, yes.

Traci’s Picks

Paper Planes by M.I.A.

The chorus is lit’rally half sound effects, yet somehow I always thought the lyrics were: “All I wanna do is *Bang Bang Bang Bang*/And *Click* *Ka-Ching*/’Mathangi’ on my neck”. You know, Mathangi as in M.I.A.’s real name. Duh. Apparently I was over thinking it because the real words are: “All I wanna do is *Bang Bang Bang Bang*/ And *Click* *Ka-Ching*/And take your money”. Ok fine, that makes more sense.

Billie Jean by Michael Jackson

Anyone else think the words were, “But the jet is not my son”? I mean, obviously it doesn’t even make any sense, but I guess I didn’t matter to me because the song was so rad? But when I found out the real lyrics were actually “But the kid is not my son”, it totally changed the entire song meaning for me.

Lean On by Major Lazer Featuring DJ Snake & MØ

So I guess my main takeaway from this post is that I’m not reall good with lyrics involving guns? Because I thought the chorus went:  “Focus, fire a gun/We need someone to lean on”, when in reality it’s, “Blow a kiss, fire a gun/We need someone to lean on”. Whatever, she’s Danish.

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

In my defense, I’d bet there are a lot of people who also have no idea what Alanis is singing on this album. Right?

I want you to know, That I’ve had beef with you/I wish nothing but the best for you both

I know the virgin in me/Is she perverted like me?

Would she go down on you in a theater?

Does she speak Eloguquani (some type of Native American language?)/And would she have your baby?

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

… So, um… let’s take a look at the real lyrics:

I want you to know, that I am happy for you/I wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of me/Is she perverted like me?

Would she go down on you in a theater?

Does she speak eloquently/And would she have your baby?

I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

At least I think my version is a better look on Dave Coulier?

Work by Rihanna

Just, like, all the chorus. I’m not the only one in the dark here, right? I looked it up on Genius and apparently the reason why we think it’s garbled speak is because she’s singing in Jamaican patois. “Haffi” = have to, “ah guh” = is going to, and “Meh nuh cyar” = I don’t care. The music video makes much more sense now. Here are the real lyrics:

Work, work, work, work, work, work/He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work!/He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!/So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work/When you ah guh
Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn/Meh nuh cyar if him
Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurting

Playlist of the Month: Songs I Liked Before They Got Overplayed

We’ll never learn. We hear a new single on the radio, declare that it’s really amazing, and maybe even tell all of our friends about it. Within a few months the song is completely overplayed, we can’t stand to listen to it, and we’re frankly embarrassed that we liked it in the first place. But since there are no secrets on the blog, we’re confessing all today: at one time, these tunes were music to our ears. Now, years after they came out, we STILL change the station when we hear the opening chords.

Molly’s Picks

Hey There Delilah by Plain White T’s

Ten years ago this March, both of us were traipsing across Europe on our semester abroad. Meanwhile, my suitemates back home had a replacement roommate (who ended up becoming our friend, so that worked out great)! Anyway, she introduced everyone to this catchy new song that wasn’t even on the radio yet: Hey There Delilah. I even remember someone asking over IM whether I had heard it (hey there, 2006). I had not. Cut to over a year later, the single reached number one and I was very, very sick of it.

Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer

I was in junior high, it was featured on both Dawson’s Creek AND She’s All That, and that’s no excuse. I had a head start on this song thanks to the W.B.’s heavy music marketing, so by the time it was on the radio I was already done. I mean, just kiss someplace normal.

Daughters by John Mayer

To this day, I cannot make it all the way through this song. To this very DAY. But Heavier Things was one of the defining albums of my high school years (lest anyone think I’m at all cool), and there was a time when I’d get very excited every time I heard my favorite fake-sensitive acoustic-rock guy on the radio. That all died with Daughters, as the more (and more… and MORE) I heard it, the more insipid it became.

Sugar We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy

Because no list of songs that sounded really good before you listened to them 100+ times would be complete without something from the Fall Out Boy/ The Killers / Panic At The Disco / Kings Of Leon neighborhood.

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

“Have you heard of The Lumineers? They only play them on the indie station now but I think they’re going to get really popular!” – This idiot, c. 2012.

Traci’s Picks

Kiss From a Rose by Seal

It was the summer of 1995. I was 9 years old, Michael Keaton was Batman, not Birdman. It was a different time back then. After featuring on the Batman Forever soundtrack, the song basically launched Seal into a global superstar when the song skyrocketed constant radio rotation. It’s a good, haunting song that is perfect for Seal, but it go to the point that I heard it so much on the radio (because in 1995 we didn’t have Spotify or SiriusXM, kids) that I would demand the station be changed from the backseat of my parents’ car. It was like hearing nails on a chalkboard for me.

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

I, like many others, were introduced to this song via Justin Bieber’s rather brilliant homemade music video with his then-GF Selena and her BFF Ashley Tisdale. I couldn’t resist the catchiness of the song and played it on my own personal rotation constantly. And then it became popular on the radio, people started doing covers of it, and the rest is history. In defense of Carly Rae, this may be the song she’s best known for, but she’s got other great hits too. I.E. her entire album, E MO TION, which is hands down, one of the best pop albums I’ve ever heard. Get on it.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye

Remember when this song blew up in 2011? And how no one knew how to pronounce his name if they saw it on paper? And how we don’t know what’s happened to Gotye since?

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Like Seal’s Kiss From A Rose, I had an adverse reaction to this after day number 410 of the song being played on repeat in 1997. To Americans, Natalie was a new artist who had a one-hit wonder with Torn and her memorable music video in an apartment that never changed settings. To Australians, she was and still is top actress who happened to have a hit song around the world. Fun fact: Natalie’s version is actually a cover of American alternative rock band Ednaswap, who featured Torn on their 1995 album.

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

Before all the legal battles and misogyny, this was a good song. In fact, I was fan of Robin’s from his other tracks like Lost Without U and The Sweetest Love, so when he came out with this tune I was excited. Then it went downhill from there.

Playlist of the Month: Songs By People Who Scare Me: The Second Coming

Halloween is in a few days, and it’s a good reminder of what will scare you and what won’t. More importantly, who are the people that will test your patience with their “pranks” with the excuse of “Halloween”? Then there are the people, namely musicians, that scare us year round, no matter October 31st or not.

In our second installment of Songs By People Who Scare Me, we pick another group of frightening artists who you won’t find on our Recently Played anytime soon. I mean, we’ve basically turned into a Hamilton blog, so these picks shouldn’t be too surprising.

<< Listen to the whole playlist on Spotify! >>

Molly’s Picks

Joanna Newsom – Sprout And The Bean

Joanna Newsom is adorable and talented, even if her voice isn’t for anyone. She’s one half of one of my favorite celebrity couples. She seems like she’d be a really cool girl in real life. That’s why I wish her music didn’t give me the willies. Maybe Joanna Newsom herself isn’t scary, but her music is what they’d play in my personal version of an exceptionally spooky haunted house. There would also be creepy dolls, a haunted dollhouse, and decrepit Miss Havisham and Baby Jane-type ladies. Shiver, shiver, shiver.

The Young Cons – The Problem

Cons as in Conservatives. They’re young, they’re white, they’re male, they’re rapping, good Lord, and they’re just the bros to get alll up in your personal health care choices and all out of government oversight of corporate activity. Word.

Insane Clown Posse – Night Of The Chainsaw

On one hand, I know that you cannot judge a person based on what music, television, or movies they enjoy.

On the other hand, I saw a young man in full ICP face makeup earlier this month, and my knee-jerk reaction was “yeah… there is definitely an above-average chance that he has tortured a cat in a basement.”

Yes, ICP was on the list last time, too, but last year it was Traci’s pick and this year it was mine. They terrify both of us.

Bobby Vee – Come Back When You Grow Up

Now, you might be thinking “Molls, this song is sketchy, but it’s just some random one-hit-wonder from the days when songs about old men wooing teens was de rigeur.” Right. Okay. But consider Bobby Vee’s other songs: Please Don’t Ask About Barbara, which sounds like a 1960s horror movie about a dead body who lives under his bed, and The Night Has A Thousand Eyes, which is a terrifying concept and a disturbing visual. One, two, three strikes, I’m out.

Justin Bieber – What Do You Mean?

This isn’t a lame We Hate Justin Bieber joke. There’s something about the kid that I find genuinely unsavory. He’s just the combination of smug, entitled, and twerpy that makes me feel like he’s capable of anything. He’s no Tiny Tim – my personal scariest musician ever – but it’s more that I feel like he’s the kind of adult who would pick on a nerdy child until it cried.

Traci’s Picks

Die Antwoord – I Fink You Freeky

This rap-rave group from South Africa has had a bunch of controversies follow them throughout the years. Namely, they’ve been called out for being homophobic and racist; using blackface in music videos and repeatedly using the N-word (they’re white). How one concert reviewer criticized one of Die Antwood’s concerts:

It doesn’t really make a difference how Die Antwoord explain themselves, or whether their fans read their imagery as satirical. Cuz it’s not just the KKK outfits but their overall source material, the way they blend skinhead white supremacy (disciplined, tough, angular) and trailer park white supremacy (incestuous, washed-out, sweatpants) with art school chic and punk rock apathy to produce a pastel shade of fascism that they just can’t cleanse themselves of, progressive provocateurs that they are. We can’t stop (cue the Miley, no innocent herself) because that’s the nature of trauma, of painful, disgusting, horrible, and incomprehensibly awful things like apartheid and institutionalized racism and guilt and blame and privilege. It produces word vomit; it escapes categorization; it demands to be brought to light. It drags us down with it. {x}

Also, “Fink” and “Freeky” are not words. Bye.

Drowning Pool – Bodies

Literally the lyrics to this song are “Let the bodies hit the floor” over and over and over again. TBH I can’t even watch these videos, but the still shot of a rando in a medical chair is enough for me to by scared.

Black Sabbath – Heaven and Hell

Thanks to The Osbournes’ reality show, Ozzy was made more “human” if you will, as he’s long had this persona of a hardcore metal rocker who bit the head off an unconscious bat during a concert once. But still, his alter ego, his “Sasha Fierce” is frightening and continues to be despite him yelling “SHAROONNN” will never leave my head.

KISS – Rock & Roll All Nite

This song in particular doesn’t seem like it would come from a group of grown ass men decked out in black and white face paint and huge platform shoes. But it does, and come on let’s be real – if you ran into Gene Simmons in costume in a dark alley and he sticks out his tongue, you’d be scared too.

Rob Zombie – Dragula

This is the man who came up with House of 1000 Corpses in his MIND. WTF is going on up there.

Playlist of the Month: Ridiculous Summer Jams

There are two times a year when we all act so ridiculous – wearing wacky clothes and garish color combos, attending party after party, and listening to corny novelty songs – that you have to wonder if we all have temporarily lost our minds. One of these times is Christmas – too wintery, too cold, no thank you – and the other is summer.

When we look back at the summers of our past, the soundtrack is a series of pop and hip hop jams, each more ridiculous than the last. We have another month of summer to go – a whole month of sunny skies, sundresses, and warm nights! And we have just the ridiculous summer jam soundtrack to remind us of all those silly, long-ago summer tunes.

Listen to the entire playlist on Spotify!

Jump by Kris Kross
{April 1992}

This song is anything but wiggidy wiggidy wiggidy whack, and makes me want to put on my backwards overalls and sideways ball cap. [ Favorite summer style c. 1992 – 1995: overall shorts with one strap undone, pacifier necklace, keds.] Jump was such a sensation during the summer of ’92 that my brother joked that he would one day have two sons and name them Kris and Kross. 2015: his boys are named Charley and Henry.

I thought the lyrics were more overtly summery, but they aren’t. I guess as a kid I just equated summer with jumping and free-form movement and winter with huddling miserably.

Fly by Sugar Ray
{June 1997}

Summer days from the mid-90s are a blur of riding bikes with the neighborhood kids, making new friends at acting camp, and hanging out at my aunt’s pool until way past my bedtime. This song was all over the place in the summer of ’97 and I can almost still taste the chlorine-tinged Sour Patch Kids when I listen to it. It’s also a little ridiculous: you just started talking two sentences ago, why are you telling me that your mother died? What are those weird sounds you’re making in the middle of it? Are you having a stroke? Is that how your mother died?

Walkin On The Sun by Smash Mouth
{July 1997}

This band’s songs were so tied to summer in the mid and late 90s that on my initial draft of the list I just said “something by Smash Mouth.” I’m sure Smash Mouth fans existed, but I never knew any. It’s more like their music just materialized near swimming pools, beach shops, and water parks from thin air during the summers of 1997 – 2003.

Summer Girls by L.F.O.
{June 1999}

In the summer of 1999 I was about to begin eighth grade. According to the photo album from our trip to the Cape, my three teenage siblings and I were really into khaki. What can I say? Gap and Abercrombie were pushing the khakis, and the youth of America wanted to look like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch.  Summer Girls was chock full of nostalgic references to the early 90s, which was only several years in the past … but to a 12-year-old it was a lifetime ago.

Thong Song by Sisqo
{December 1999}

Don’t let the December release date fool you: the video was released in the spring of 2000, and there were massive tie-ins to MTV’s Spring Break in order to boost it for summer’s Tacky Music Season. This was really at the beginning of butts being a thing; J.Lo’s butt was a pretty new topic in the national dialogue. I feel like Thong Song is at least partially responsible for kicking off the Butt Zeitgeist that I don’t fully understand.

Traci’s Picks

In The Summertime by Shaggy featuring Rayvon
{May 1995}

Years before Shaggy was in denial of it being him and going by Mr. Boombastic, he kept the tone light and fun by sticking to his Jamaican roots and singing straight up about hittin on chicks in the summer. I think my main problem with this, though, is that he constantly refers to himself in third person. “Shaggy say”, “Raggamuffin Shaggy” – both lines muttered by Mr. Boombastic. Also, in general he constantly sounds like he’s got nasal problems.

Cruel Summer by Ace of Base
{July 1998}

If you did a drinking game to this song and took a shot anytime “Cruel Summer” is sung, you’d probably be dead. They’re complaining that it’s too hot and it’s a “cruel summer” because of the heat. What makes this ridic is that the singer is complaining his/her mate isn’t in the city to experience the record heat, and therefore it’s an even crueler summer. Guess what – it’s going to be fucking hot no matter if your signif oth is there or not.

Steal My Sunshine by Len
{July 1999}

“Now the fuzzy stare from not being there on a confusing morning week impaired my tribal lunar-speak” WHAT EVEN ARE YOU SAYING, LEN. ALSO WHAT IS A LEN??

Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamic C
{June 2000}

This song came out when we graduated middle school, and for that reason alone, the timing was perfect and it became THE JAM. Back then, the song was reminiscing about our school daze and promising to K.I.T. forever and ever. But I’m more annoyed with it now because A), I’m older than the “we talked all night about the rest of our lives, where we’re gonna be when we turn 25” line, and B) she spoke/sang it like almost slam poetry but with less anger? And a little bit of a whisper, because Vitamin C is embarrassed of her hair, I’m assuming?

Who Let The Dogs Out? by Baha Men
{July 2000}

No one ever got the answer to this. No one cares. Carry on with your summer.