Things I’m Thankful For: 2014 Edition

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y’ALL!! Hope you’re having a great day so far with your loved ones and stuffing your face with all the foods. There’s something about Thanksgiving that kind of makes me sentimental, since it’s one of the only major U.S. holidays that all Americans celebrate no matter what your background is (shout out to July 4th!). Of course, like previously mentioned, Thanksgiving IS about the majahh feasting that happens, but of course it’s a time to be reflective and thankful for all that we have. So here are just a few things I’m thankful for this year. Dig in!

  • Friends Thanksgiving episodes
    • For the past few years, I’ve started my own holiday tradition in which I watch all 10 Thanksgiving-themed episodes as part of a mini-marathon. I think I partly do this because Friends feel like ‘home’ to me, and since I’ve spent the past five years in LA and not back east for the holiday, it makes me feel like there’s some kind of longstanding tradition. Also, these are some of the best episodes of television ever (I ranked all the eps here!).

  • Portable iPhone travel charger
    • Guys, I finally bought one and it has changed my life.
  • Julian Morris on New Girl
    • I never thought I could ship again after Jess and Nick broke up but OHMYGOD freaking Julian Morris. And his face. And his accent. And his charmingness. Like I feel like I am actually Jess Day when she’s flustered around him. It’s insane. 
  • Chris Pratt finally getting the attention he deserves
    • PRATT!! He went from Andy Dwyer to mega movie star and I feel like a proud mom!
  • Coffee ice cubes
    • My favorite coffee shop has optional coffee ice cubes that you can add to your iced coffee (my fave bev) and that way, when the ice melts, IT’S STILL COFFEE.
  • Gilmore Girls on Netflix Instant
    • We love GG here, and the fact that I can now jump from all the Luke/Lorelai episodes and completely shut out April Nardini without having to get up and change disks is the best thing to ever happen to me.
  • Leggings
    • Because comfort, y’all.
  • Deciding not to go to our 10 year high school reunion
    • Molly and I chose to go to New York City the same weekend as our “10 year high school reunion”. After stalking pictures of the “event”, there were approx 10 people who went to the bar, all of whom we’re not friends with, so good call, past Molly & Traci.
  • GIFs
  • Nick Jonas-issance
    • I mean, God Bless America. 
  • Vanilla Almond Butter
    • So I started making flourless pancakes (one ripe banana, 2 eggs, mix and pour on skillet like pancakes) and I usually have a side of Justin’s Natural Vanilla Almond Butter and it is so ridiculously delicious. Why did I just find out about this recently?
  • #TGIT
    • Shondaland on Thursday nights has made appointment television a thing again, and it shows in both their Neilsen ratings and Twitter ratings. Basically, don’t even try to reach me between the hours of 8pm and 11pm on Thursdays – unless you tweet me.
  • Lupita Nyong’o
    • What did we ever do before you, Lupita???
  • The first Dunkin’ Donuts in Los Angeles
    • After years of waiting, LA is finally running on Dunkin’… now if they can just open one that doesn’t take me like 30-40 minutes to get to.
  • Tumblr tags
    • #the best part of tumblr is sometimes the tags #so much subtext
  • Amy Poehler’s Book, Yes Please
    • You think I was going to make a list of things I’m thankful for without mentioning our Queen??
  • YOU GUYS!!
    • Probably the most important item on this list – thank you all so much for reading, whether you’re loyal followers or if this is your first time visiting our site, we sincerely appreciate anyone taking time out to read the crap we put on here. We love you internet.

 

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The One Where The Katzenjammer Kids Gets Away

We’re just one day away from the fattest day for Americans (I guess maybe besides super Bowl Sunday and Valentine’s Day if you’re single) and that means it’s almost time for the annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. For 88 years, this parade in the heart of New York City has been a Thanksgiving morning staple for families all across America. Thousands line up the streets of Manhattan as well as in front of their TVs to watch celebrities waving from floats, singers lip syncing, high school marching bands impressing their parents with their walking skills (and are a reminder that they are probably considered the ‘popular kids’ where they’re from), and Broadway musical stars perform much needed interludes. And then there are the balloons. There are a variety of different balloons featured in the parade, but you probably associate the Macy’s parade with those huge ass ballons of rando pop culture characters like Hello Kitty or Spongebob or Underdog.

But in the 88 years of this beloved tradition, there have been a number of odd, bizarre and straight up frightening balloons that have floated down the streets of New York. Here are just a few of the weirdest ones from the past eight decades – and you can be THANKFUL that some of these aren’t featured in Thursday’s parade.

Turkey {1932}

Naturally, some sort of turkey has to make an appearance at the parade. But this one barely looks like Thanksgiving’s main dish. Fun fact: for the first six years of the parade, all the balloons were released into the air at the end of the route because organizers didn’t know what to do with the balloons filled with helium. If someone caught one and returned it (to Macy’s?) they would win money. This practice proved to be dangerous, so they stopped in 1933.

Dragon/Nantucket Sea Monster {1937}

This guy was one of the first balloons ever at the Macy’s parade and often used as a guerrilla marketing stunt to raise awareness about the parade. If their goal was to frighten little kids (and adults) so much that they lose their appetites, it worked.

Pinocchio {1937}

I mean, really. REALLY?  I don’t remember Pinocchio’s growing that… way.

The Katzenjammer Kids {1920s}

These frightening folks were based on the widely popular comic strip in the 1920s. The mom is in the front, followed by just the head of the dad and the kids following behind. WHY DOESN’T THE DAD HAVE A BODY THO.

Mighty Mouse {1954}

Now I’ve never actually watched an episode of this superhero mouse, but I feel like his body isn’t proportionate. Are his legs usually like 10 times smaller than his torso, or…?

Father Knickerbocker {1936}

Father Knickerbocker was a mascot for the Big Apple in the late 1800s and early 1900s – hence the name for the city’s basketball team, the New York Knicks. However, this particular balloon was questionable since Mr. Knickerbocker was usually depicted with an over-sized judge’s wig. This balloon is not. Also, one time this dude’s nose got caught in an outdoor train and people were scrambled to do a nose job on him before he made his appearance in the parade.

Eddie Cantor {1940s}

This balloon is based on actor/singer/dancer/beloved New Yorker Eddie Cantor, who looked like this IRL.  He was only one of the few real life people to have a Macy’s balloon in their likeness, and I think it’s pretty clear why. Balloon bro’s high on helium and has no idea what he’s doing or where he’s going. Also, hammer pants.

Pumpkin {1945}

 

Acrobats {1938}

Sure, your eyes go directly to the mustachioed acrobat with weird fingers and thigh bands, but please note the smaller acrobat holding on for dear life at his feet. Again, the proportions are not accurate.

Space Man {1952}

Neil Armstrong wouldn’t land on the moon until 17 years later, and actually NASA wasn’t even founded until 1958, which might explain why this space man looks like a cross between an exterminator and a lego industrial worker.

The Thief of Bagdad {1940}

This is technically a float but, um… it’s weird, right? The Thief of Bagdad was a 1924 (and later 1940) film about a king who is tricked and cast out of Bagdad by the evil Jaffar (yeah, Aladdin and this share the same roots). He joins forces with a thief named Abu in order to reclaim his throne, the city, and the princess he loves (whose name isn’t Jasmine) Naturally, it needed a float in the Macy’s Day Parade, because what kids wouldn’t love seeing this frightening depiction of Jaffar coming towards them?

Linus the Lion {1973}

This was from a parade in the 70s, so it’s fair to assume Linus the Lion was chasing the dragon, right? Drugs. I mean drugs.

Ask Jeeves {2001}

If you don’t remember who Ask Jeeves is, just look him up on Lycos. While you’re at it, feel free to visit my Geocities site and sign my guestbook. *~sMaRtER ChiLD*~

Elf on a Shelf {2012}

Maybe look for the Elf on a Shelf in the bathroom this year?

B. Boy {2010}

This balloon was designed by Tim Burton. I think that explains it.

Rabbit {2007}

Artist Jeff Koons’ silver rabbit is not surprising if you know his aesthetics, but still, he’s definitely no main stream enough to have this balloon make sense during the Macy’s parade.

Just Give Up And Make Your Entire Thanksgiving Dinner Out Of Jello Molds

In years past, Thanksgiving dinner had to meet two benchmarks: it had to be delicious, and it had to be sufficiently Thanskgiving-y. If you served traditional foods and they weren’t entirely awful, you were doing okay.

But now, depending on your audience, your Thanksgiving may be expected to meet the following criteria:

  • vegan
  • raw
  • raw vegan
  • “intermittently vegan”
  • freegan
  • macrobiotic
  • dairy-free
  • lacto-ovo vegetarian
  • gluten free
  • gluten intolerant
  • Instagram-able
  • Pinterest- worthy
  • nut free
  • tree-nut free
  • peanut free
  • low carb
  • low fat
  • things a caveman would eat
  • under 20 Weight Watchers points
  • ready after the parade
  • ready before the game
  • organic
  • local

Good luck and godspeed! Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is a game with no winner. Things are tougher than they used to be. Honestly, they’re tougher than they have to be. Once upon a time, you could make an entire Thanksgiving dinner out of Jello molds. And friends? YOU STILL CAN.

Potatoes

I’m of Irish descent. I like to believe that somewhere out there in the universe, my ancestors know that I have access to so many potatoes –  so many damn potatoes – that I can mutilate them into the shape of a giant, awful donut and the texture of Gak if I so please. Now, the potatoes are going to have to be a potato salad instead of a traditional mash, but I think you could also add plain gelatin to your mashed potatoes and set it into the mold.

Stuffing (Dressing if you’re nasty)

This really captures the essence of stuffing but without the bread and without having been inside a bird’s tushie. You have your carrots, your celery, your little bits of meat… basically everything but your will to live and your breakfast. Because if you’re eating this, you’ve probably lost both.

Cranberry Sauce

Do you serve can-shaped cranberry sauce? Then you have been letting Big Cran dictate the shape of your cranberry sauce-loaf for far too long. It CAN be shaped like a jello mold and I’d argue that it SHOULD be, too.

Squash

The thing about squash is that if served it in its skin and cut lengthwise, it already is compactly and neatly shaped and suitable for consumption by the toothless. That is exactly the kind of thinking that killed the jello mold. You can eat your squash as a jiggly square and you should never let anybody tell you differently.

Turkey

For a gentler turkey-carving experience, replace the revving of an electric carving knife with the gloppy, sloshing thhhwaaaack of a slotted spoon moving through Jello.

Brussels Sprouts

For many palates, Brussels sprouts are a veggie that needs a little gussying up. What could be more gussied than letting your sprouts go for a dip in a egg noodle and cheese sauce swimmin’ hole?

Green Beans

Usually green beans enter the Thanksgiving table not because anyone loves them, but because at some point you look at all of the beige-y brown stuff you’re ingesting and realize that you should probably add something green. Voila – this ring of algae-looking green bean crud! If you’re a green bean casserole traditionalist (the recipe from the Campbell’s soup can), you can still top this with a drizzle of cream of mushroom soup and a sprinkling of freeze-dried onions (aka “astronaut onions”).

Pumpkin Pie

If you can shape your turkey like a dessert you can 100% also shape your dessert like a turkey – through the magic of jello molds!

Coffee

Want some coffee with your pie? Sure, we can do that.

Eggnog

Go ahead, spike it.

 

Capitol Couture: Real or Not Real?

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 comes out today and if you’ve read the books, you know that this final installment is a far cry from the first two. There are no Games, and it’s all about a revolution, baby. Katniss and Gale are in District 13 plotting to take over the Capitol while Peeta and Johanna are all up in the Capitol being brainwashed by President Snow, who has clearly taken his last name to a whole new level:

{source}

When these ads first came out, it was a reminder that whoever is running the marketing/advertising/PR campaign for these films is a genius. The accompanying ‘address’ from President Snow lit’rally gave me chills the first time I saw it because I was suddenly transported to Panem and quickly went to grab my bow and arrow before I realized it wasn’t real and I didn’t have to go fight in the revolution. But it’s great that they make you feel like you’re actually part of this messed up dystopian world, and it obviously engages fans to be more involved and hyped up to see the actual movie.

The campaign for the entire HG series runs deep, but one of my favorites is the Capitol Couture website. In the series, the Capitol is know for its extravagance and outlandish fashion and trends – just look at Effie Trinket who is one of the craziest of them all. Despite the fact her fashion isn’t up to par in Mockingjay, the other people of the Capitol have to keep up appearances, and they get all their fashion tips from the Capitol Couture website.

It fascinates me how detailed each post is, and the lengths they go to make it seem like this is a real world of fashion. Here are just some of the insane featured fashions featured on the site – and who knows, maybe you can try being a trendsetter outside of Panem (I wouldn’t suggest it though).

Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and imagine myself as one of Panem’s glittering skyscrapers—and dress accordingly. I totter on my eight-inch Lucite heels and refresh my chrome-flecked lip gloss every hour on the hour. In the Capitol, fashion is a chance to role-play as animals or architecture, to assume grand proportions in outlandish silhouettes and even to express a tendency to unravel. {designs by Thom Browne}

“If jewelry isn’t your thing, take a cue from our suave Victor Peeta Mellark and incorporate those metallic elements elsewhere, like a sculptural gold pocket square. “

The most macabre chic in fashion today by Anouk Wipprecht

“The main carrier and perspective of the conference is women in the war,” makeup artist Mao Geping has noted of his themes. While Panem may be celebrating seventy-five years of blissful peace, this meticulous and ridiculous display of metals and petals has us ready to charge into battle.

Designer Peter Popps’ architectural background shines brazenly in his strikingly innovative creations;  to Circle’s District 6 influences of “transportation by magnets”, Popps delivers glimpses of the future mixed with design elements of the past.

Burgeoning designer Noa Raviv (who engineers in District 3 have been clamoring to get their hands on)… Mixing 2D textiles and 3D printed objects, Raviv’s Hard Copy collaborative collection was brought to life in collusion with Stratasys—a manufacturer of cutting-edge 3D printing devices and software. Capitol Couture salutes Noa Raviv and Stratasys for their collaborative efforts and their continuing commitment to the united vision of One Panem.

Photographer/videographer Nick Knight unites with model Alexia Wight and couturier Lady Amanda Harlech for an unique look at the marriage of art and science- a subtle homage to the collaborative efforts of Districts 1,2, and 8 in the latest Peacekeeper armor redesign.

A product of designer Argyle Witt and a team of nano-technicians working in the Capitol’s most sophisticated labs, these multi-task bots can be worn during day or night. Pre-set functions include skin cleansing and exfoliation, pigment infusion, body structuring, and the creation of absolutely unique pieces of wearable art… Three individual pieces can be fabricated before material depletion, giving the most discerning of Capitol fashionistas a few choices. Says Witt, “Every woman should feel like she’s one in a million. With these bots, we give her the luxury and the look to do so.”

 

Quotes From Jaden & Willow Smith’s Crazy Interview – Reimagined As Tumblr Cliches

If it’s not too forward of me to say, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are raising a couple of silly gooses. Willow and Jaden Smith gave an interview to T Magazine this week, and it’s full of quotes that I almost can’t believe. Except I can believe them, because these children were educated by special Scientology schooling and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It’s basically like an interview with that guy from your freshman year dorm who just discovered weed, 100-level philosophy, and socialism at the same time.

I’m sure the Smith children are on a path to becoming caring, well-rounded adults. But even the most grounded adults have cringe-worthy teen years to look back on. Jaden and Willow seem to have missed out on their teenage awkward phase, face-wise. Mazel! But they’ll always have this interview to remember and shudder.

As silly as their interview is, I’ve noticed that if you pull quotes and superimpose them onto tumblr cliches (pictures of the cosmos; hand-lettering) they aren’t that different from stuff everyone’s already posting and reposting.

That’s why we re-imagined these quotes from Jaden and Willow Smith’s crazy T Magazine interview as tumblr cliches:

1) Quote in sans serif font superimposed over a picture taken by a space telescope:

2) Quote in shaky hand-lettering of varying sizes and styles:

3. Photo of an old-Hollywood icon with a quote they didn’t say in typewriter font:

4. Quote displayed as ransom note-style strips of text atop an unrelated photograph, maybe from the 1920s or something:

5. PUPPIES! And then an entire comment comprised of hashtags:

#so when one thought goes into your mind #it’s not just one thought # it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain #when you’re thinking about something happy you’re thinking about something sad #when you think about an apple #you also think about the opposite of an #apple

6. A child-like, line-drawn comic illustrating the quote:

Ramen Donuts: WE HAVE TO GO BACK

Last week, I came across an article which featured someone’s experiment of combining ramen with a donut and this is what it looks like:

Now, I’m all for creativity and innovativeness, but the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this was WE HAVE GONE TO FAR. Were regular donuts not enough for us? I don’t know about you, but donuts are just fine as they are. I mean, the fact that there are donuts out there topped with bacon and cinnamon toast crunch and snickers bars is, like, pushing it, but still, they’re donuts. They’re delicious. Do we need to improve on it with ramen? RAMEN. In its defense, I have no idea if these ramen donuts are good or not, but to me, they don’t look appetizing at all. And I blame the cronut (which I do find appetizing).

Chef Dominique Ansel may not have started this hybrid craze, but he certainly brought it back to the zeitgeist thanks to his flaky croissant-donut. Fact: when Molly & I went to NYC in September, we failed to realize that cronuts are still a thing and got to Dominique Ansel’s bakery too late and they were sold out. Still got good food there, so I suggest stopping by. Anyways, experimenting with hybrid food is like what Glee did with song mashups and now I fear that we’ve gone too far (just like Glee’s sixth season). Look, I’m all for letting your creative juices flow, but maybe things like ramen donuts are a one and done thing. Here are some other hybrid foods people from the internet and businesses alike have conjured up. You decide if we need to go back or not…

Spicy Tuna Sushi Corn Dog

In full disclosure, the ramen donut was made by a blogger who is a bro. Like a college athlete, hates hipsters, drinks excessively at frat parties bro. But his blog is like, actually really good and his food presentation is fantastic. So props to him. His thing is creating hybrid foods (that are usually not the healthiest). Enter this giant fried sushi roll. The fact that he calls it a corn dog turns me off. Basically I just want that spicy tuna roll.

Ramen Poutine

We’re continuing with the bro’s recipes because I’m seriously impressed. Look at that egg tho. It actually makes this ramen poutine look edible. I am a product of a Filipino mother who sometimes didn’t feel like cooking me a real dinner and made me ramen soup a lot. It was never really a college thing for me, it was a childhood thing for me. Which is why I think I don’t want to associate ramen with hybrid food that could possibly ruin my idea of childhood ramen. But poutine tho – if you’ve never had poutine – don’t start with this.

Spaghetti and Meatbwaffles

No, that wasn’t a typo. Blogger bro actually named this dish Spaghetti and Meatbwaffles. He basically took a chunk of meatball and put it in a waffle maker and came out with this. Is it sad that my only complaint about this is that the ratio of spaghetti to meatbwaffle isn’t equal?

Ramen Burger

Alright, enough of the bro dude. We’ve seen this one before. It came after the cronut and I still don’t understand how this is any easier to eat than a regular hamburger. Also why do people tend to put more shit in ramen burgers than regular burgers??

Ramen Pizza

Again, like donuts, pizza is fine as it is. Stop trying to make pizza better.

Cragel

Did you know that a bagel is the equivalent to eating five slices of toast? Well it is. And IDK what the croissant equivalent is but when you have half a croissant and half a bagel you get a whole stinking loaf of bread.

Pizza Cake

Remember this from a few months ago? And how you said you were going to try to make it? Did you? Okay.

Lays Flavored Anything

 

In all fairness, I’ve never tried any of these. But that’s because they all sound disgusting. A *kettle cooked* Wasabi Ginger flavor?? Those are the two things I avoid (ok, maybe a little wasabs) when eating sushi. Why would I want the FLAVOR of those two things on a potato chip. A POTATO CHIP.

Chocolate Eclair Hot Dog

WHAT HAPPENED TO US, AMERICA???

Mac and Cheese Pancakes

 

I’m still debating whether or not I think this is a good idea. On one hand, I love pancakes. On the other, I love mac and cheese. However, I’m not quite sure if I put them together, I’d love them as a whole. It’s like the time Rachel screwed up the Thanksgiving trifle and it tasted like feet. Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooood.

Pizzabon

 

Sometimes sweet and savory things belong together. Like chicken and waffles good lord, chicken and waffles. But again, pizza is fine on its own. And don’t even get me started on cinnamon buns. Anyone ever been to a Holiday Inn Express? Those cinnamon buns are worth every penny.

Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe

 

Just… no.

 

Solange Wore A Cape To Her Wedding And We Can All Stop Trying

Solange Knowles – sister to Bey, aunt to Blue Ivy, daughter to Tina, kicker to Jay Z – tied the knot to music video director Alan Ferguson yesterday in New Orleans. Because nothing is private, pretty much their entire weekend was documented, including the happy couple rolling up to the wedding venue in style on white bicycles.

Unlike her sister, Solange decided to share her big day with us peons, releasing exclusive photos to Vogue of her and her bridesmaids (yes, including Queen B & Miss Tina & a very happy Janelle Monae) of her all-white wedding that would make Billy Idol proud. I have so many things to say about this but I don’t think it would be appropriate for the entire post to consist of emojis that look like this:

IMG_1009.JPGSo I’ll try to use my words instead. Solange wore three different outfits for her wedding, the first being the cream Stephanie Rolland jumpsuit as seen in the pre-ceremony transpo pic above. This is probably my favorite look out of the three, because it gives her a feel of class with the cape (praise hands with palms facing out emoji) but a feeling of fun since she’s in a jumpsuit and ready for anything. Also, it’s backless. IT’S BACKLESS! For the actual getting married part, she opted for a dress designed by Humberto Leon for Kenzo, and lawd help us all she looks like a freaking vision. Like an angel in a cape sent from heaven to let us know that all our style sins have been forgiven. Paired with those gold stacked bracelets, I would imagine Solange wearing nothing else on her wedding day. Finally, Solange, hubs, fam & friends took to the streets of Nawlins with a celebratory band and dancing and now I know what I want to do for my own wedding. The third look was the more fun reception style, back in a jumpsuit by Stephanie Rolland but this time the cape had more ruffle to it.

IMG_1008.JPG

Of course, there are more photos featuring all of the wedding party (yes, flower girl Blue Ivy) smiling and laughing and having the time of their lives. But as we all know, weddings are usually a lot about the bride and what she’s wearing, so I’m gonna go back to her for a sec.

Solange has become a fashion maven over the past few years whether you have paid attention or not. I mean there’s a reason why she shared her exclusive pix with Vogue. Solange has never been one to be afraid to wear a certain color or style or trend, in fact if I were to sum up her fashion style, it would be fearless eccentricity. She dares to be different and doesn’t give a shit if you like it or not (but if you have an semblance of taste, you will).

Of course, a penchant for fashion and style runs in the family, with Bey as the Instagram model for every outfit she wears and Miss Tina – well we all know Miss Tina used to design the Destiny’s Child outfits back in the day, and back then they didn’t seem as ridiculous as they look now. BTW TINA KNOWLES SLAYYYEEDDD AT THE WEDDING. ok end caps.  So with fashion in her genes (jeans?), it makes sense that Solange is a style savant and a woman with enough balls to wear not one but three capes to her wedding. If you need a refresher of how all her past looks have led up to this glorious day in all white everything, here are just some of her best looks. Praise Solange and her infinite style wisdom and cape.

 

Unpopular Opinions: I Don’t Understand The Butt Zeitgeist

So. Kim Kardashian’s butt, huh?

That’s probably how most of your water cooler, bus stop, and family dinner conversations have started for the past few days. When I saw the #BreakTheInternet booty drop, my first thought was (with a sigh) “ugh, I guess we should probably cover that.”

I mean “cover”  both in terms of writing about it, and in terms of “will somebody please put some pants or culottes or a skort or bloomers on that lady? Because we cannot publish that photo on our blog.”

Nobody can deny that the butt is having a moment. From Kim Kardashian to Nicki Minaj, from the new, reality TV judge version of J.Lo to that one Drake video, butts are everywhere. But get ready for an unpopular opinion: I just don’t find butts exciting. Pop culture blasphemy, I know.

Here’s the main thing I don’t get: everybody has a butt. Man or woman, child or elderly, famous or infamous, humans all have butts. Kim Kardashian has a butt? So did Richard Nixon. So does Barbara Walters. Shirley Temple had a butt her whole life, as did W.W.F. wrestler Yokozuna and artist/musician Yoko Ono. Are you sitting down to read this? Congratulations! You are sitting on your very own butt. If you are standing, stop and look behind you. Your butt is there, following wherever you go, like a loyal dog or Peter Pan’s shadow. In fact, when I think of the people who don’t have butts – twins conjoined back to back, people who are amputated at the waist – they are so rare that they are the interesting ones.

You might say “yeah, but Kim Kardashian and Nicki Minaj have amazing butts!” And to that I say this: I actually don’t know what a good butt is. Okay? It’s a personal blind spot. I have a friend who doesn’t know what it means when you say that food is stale. When everyone started griping about a stale box of crackers, she grabbed a few, trying to discern what we all meant. That’s how I feel about butts. Whenever someone says that a guy has a cute butt, I look it over, trying to figure out why. I ask questions like the youngest child at Butt Seder: “why is this butt different from all other butts?” For Kardashian, I guess it’s that her butt is above-average sized, but that alone doesn’t explain it. After all, didn’t ladies in old sitcoms bring their long-suffering husbands shopping to ask whether their butt looked big in those pants? There must be something else – a je ne sais butt – but that sounds like a lot of hot air (also delivering a lot of hot air: BUTTS. Remind me, again, why they’re appealing?)

Now, I don’t walk the earth ignorant of my own butt. I’ve even joked about printing up business cards reading “It’s an ass, not a conversation piece.” With maybe an asterisk leading to the back of the card: “* Unless I put a coffee table book or some modern art back there.” But it’s hard to get a good concept of your own posterior, and maybe next time I’ll press for details: “What sets my butt apart from the other butts that are also minding their own business at this bus stop?” I doubt I’d get a good answer, though, because anyone who strikes up a convo about a stranger’s butt is probably full of shit (also full of shit: BUTTS).

So here’s my final quibble with Butt Zeitgeist 2K14: butts are funny. They are – if anything – a comedy body part. Weird things and noises come out of them. Children laugh at them. For months, my nephews ran around saying “booty!” solely because it’s a funny word. [When my sister told her 5-year-old to cut it out, he said “what, mom? It’s just like boot.” Kiddo didn’t even know what it meant.] One time, a man hit on my friend by telling her she had a “great pooper.” That is funny. You know why mooning people was a trendy prank in the mid-20th century? Because it’s the world’s easiest sight gag. And the number of memes based on Kim Kardashian’s Paper Magazine cover prove that I’m not the only one who finds butts more hilarious than hot.

As a first grader, I remember mentally cataloging what the funniest body part was every year. In preschool, kids got a kick out of noses, because, you know, blowing your nose was still a triumph and a challenge at that point. In kindergarten, feet took the cake. But as a wise six-year-old, I knew that butts… butts reigned supreme.

And apparently, they still do.

 

Pop Culture Inspo for Yo’ Mo(vember)

We’re more than a week into the month so for you fellas participating in Movember, perhaps you’re at the point where you’re thinking what exactly to do with that cool ‘stache of yours (BTW, if you aren’t familiar with Movember, it’s an annual event in which men grow their mustaches to raise awareness of men’s health issues. It might explain why your weird co-worker is even weirder this month). There are so many directions to go with the newly acquired batch of facial hair that you want to make it perfect for the rest of the month.

And since there have been plenty of iconic mustache designs in television, film, theater, etc. it’s worth looking for some inspiration from some of the manliest of men on stage and screen. While I obviously can’t list all of them here, I have compiled a list of some of my personal faves who rocked the ‘stache loud and proud.

Gordon from Sesame Street

Aw, Gordon and Elmo! He’s first in honor of Sesame Street’s anniversary this week. Also, I have this vision of me meeting Gordon as a tot at some kind of book signing, but I actually think I stole a friend’s childhood memory. If this is your anecdote, reveal yourself. Also I am sorry.

Chandler Bing as Dr. Richard Burke on Friends

It goes without saying that if you do a word association with Tom Selleck, most of the time you’ll think ‘mustache’. I figured that putting him on this list might be a cop out, so here’s the next best thing – Chandler attempting to grow a Richard mustache. Obvs this was pre-Mondler, and Joey and Chan thought Richard was the coolest, hence trying to look and act like him. Not quite the same effect.

 

Ron Burgundy from Anchorman

You stay classy, San Diego/whatever city you live in/Movember dudes everywhere.

Paul Rudd during the Admission press tour

Speaking of Anchorman, Paul Rudd was in the middle of filming the sequel when he has to go off and do press for his movie with Tina Fey, Admission. And of course, Brian Fontana sports a sweet ‘stache in the film, and since hair doesn’t grow into a beautiful handlebar like Rudd’s overnight, he opted to wear it loud and proud. Paul Rudd: American treasure.

Kristen Wiig in the one sketch of The Californians

I’m 90% sure this was from the time Kristen went back to host SNL and she came back from the dead. Or at least in The Californians world. There have been some epic mustaches on SNL, but for some reason this one stuck out to me.

Daniel Day-Lewis in Gangs of New York

I’ve never actually seen Gangs of New York (ugh, I know, I’m a horrible Leo fan), but damn DDL can grow a mustache. In any film that requires some sort of lip blanket, he’s on point. Also, remember Daniel Day-Lewis? It’s like he goes into hibernation every 5 to 7 years and comes back to collect an Oscar.

Carl Winslow from Family Matters

Guys. This picture of a faux video game. I cannot.

Borat

**it’s creepy but niiiiiicee*

Captain Kangaroo

*it’s creepy but… nope still creepy. I DON’T REMEMBER CAPTAIN KANGAROO BEING THIS SCARY*

 Gene Shalit from Today

Anyone else a random watcher of the Today show and understand the magic that is Gene Shalit and his magnif bow ties and ‘stache?

Walter White from Breaking Bad

This sweet photo was taken from the actual Save Walter White website (caution, comic sans ahead).

Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

“Leslie, you need to understand that we are headed to the most special place on earth. When I’m done eating a Mulligan’s meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because every now and then a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.”  *Nick Offerman thanks you for your time.

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio turned 40 yesterday – if sources like Entertainment Tonight, Wikipedia, his birth certificate, and Father Time are to be believed. I’m not so sure about that. As we discussed in Things I’m Willing To Believe About Ben Affleck, I have very specific, baseless concepts of what celebrities are like (Affleck, for instance, is a blue-collar Boston mensch). And in my imagination, Leo will always be a mischievous yet sensitive teenager of the 1990s: even if it’s the 2010s, even if he’s 40.

With that in mind, here are some things I’m willing to believe about Leonardo DiCaprio:

  • Whenever he’s not working, Leo reverts to what he calls his “off-duty haircut.” You know the one:

  • You may have noticed that a lot of DiCaprio’s girlfriends are the same type – lean and model-y, with open faces and lank blond hair. This isn’t because he only dates models. It’s because they remind him of the most beautiful woman in the world: his beloved Gran-Gran.

So the man knows what he likes.

 

  • The part of you that was once a Titanic-obsessed 11-year-old probably remembers when Leo was quoted as saying “The human mouth is one of the dirtiest things on this planet. There’s so much bacteria, slime and trapped food–a dog’s mouth is much cleaner.”  But did you know that he only said that because he’s totally the kind of guy who lets strange dogs come up to him and lick his hand? Dogs love him.
  • Speaking of dogs, yes, Leo has one. And yes, it’s a rescue dog, but you know what? Leo knows when to shut up about it.
  • And when I say “rescue dog,” I mean the whole shebang. Like, one of those sad ones with an eye-patch and a wheel. No big deal.
  • During the cast Christmas party on the Titanic set, DiCaprio played Santa. None of the kids knew.
  • And he got them all Nerf Super Soakers. They had water fights every week….
  • And still do:
  • During the filming of Romeo + Juliet, Leo begged Baz Luhrman to change the ending – claiming that it would be “too sad for Claire.”
  • But of course, it was really because he was afraid of keeping it together.
  • And if you think that, to this day, Leo can hear Lovefool without crying, you’re an idiot.
  • When Leo became a teen heartthrob, he vowed to use his powers for good. That’s why he made a pledge to star in the film adaptation of every high school required reading book. He’s already knocked Romeo +Juliet and The Great Gatsby off the list, and is really gunning for a role in an adaptation of I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings or The Catcher In The Rye.
  • Although the internet (and my memories of 1998, to be honest) tell me that Leo’s middle name is Wilhelm, I like to believe that it’s actually something more “all-American boy in the 1980s,”  like Cody or Chad or Shane.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio still uses the word “rad.”
  • Recently, Leo bought a case of “the best toothpaste in the world” off of eBay.

  • Leo has “the boys” over for game night every week. “Game night” means video games – and Leo prefers N64 and Sega to all those modern systems.
  • And though a leading man in his day job, he prefers to play as Luigi and Yoshi. Just that kind of guy.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio’s fridge is always stocked with Sunny D.

    Typical party at Leo’s place.

  • During the first screening of Titanic, Leo turned to James Cameron and whispered “dude. It was NOT COOL to show that dead baby’s head in the wreckage.” Cameron was forced to explain that it was actually a doll:
  • When a special effects team was debating how to age Leonardo to play J. Edgar Hoover, the eerily baby-faced Leo told them: “hold tight, I have a portrait in my attic you could use for reference.”
  •  It was a joke. Leo reads books, remember?
  • In his rumpus room (oh yeah, Leo has a rumpus room), DiCaprio has a dart board with an image of the Oscar statuette at the center.
  • Inspired by an article in Oprah’s O Magazine, Leo recently created a vision board. It’s all just pictures of Oscars, Kate Winslet, and skateboards. Despite his public protestations, DiCaprio still thinks of Winslet as “the one that got away. ” And he just always thought it would be fun to know how to skateboard.
  • It really hurt his feelings when older brothers across the nation began referring to him as “Leonardo DiCrapio in the late 90s.
  • Before DiCaprio goes on Kelly and Michael, his publicist always has to remind him that it is not, in fact, called “The Regis Show.”