ICYMI: Politically (In)Correct

Well it’s certainly been quite the week, y’all. While the SCOTUS finally realized that gay people are people too and their marriages won’t effect theirs one bit, we also had a superwoman of a Senator stand for 11 hours in front of a group of law making white men to uphold her rights and women of Texas’ rights to be in control of their bodies.

And then there’s Paula Deen, who is a stark reminder that not everyone in this country is looking forward and making progress – racism is alive and well. So in light of the Butter Queen’s recent admissions, particularly the fact that she planned a racist wedding, we thought, why not stop there Paula D? Here are some other ideas for racist weddings!

Racist Weddings with Paula Deen

“Red Injun” Wedding

* The walk down the aisle will be re-named the “trail of tears.”

* Everyone gets an “Indian Name!” So fun.

* Plus, if you meet someone really cool at the wedding you will declare them your “spirit animal.”

* First dance? “Colors of the Wind.”

* It is an adults-only reception. All children will be swept away to boarding schools to be re-educated in the ways of the white man.

* All wait staff will be Native American. Guests are encouraged to share stories about how ”my great, great grandmother was 1/8 Cherokee Princess.”

* The dancing portion will be called a pow-wow.

* White hipster guests will be able to take the “authentic” native headdresses off of all of the waiters, so that they can wear them to outdoor music festivals.

*If you have the cash-money for celebrity entertainment: Johnny Depp as Tonto.

* Fry bread. Definitely fry bread. But with little butter pockets in there, becausebutter.

* Waiters will be told that they will be fairly compensated, but will actually be paid in Smallpox Blankets.

* The bride and groom will sign a contract with the wedding facility that stipulates that the party can go until 11pm. Then, when it’s time to leave, they’ll be like “okay, we DISCOVERED this reception hall so we’re just going to keep it.” And the owners will be like “nah, we were already here, I mean we kind of built the whole thing.” And the happy couple will be like “whatever, enjoy all your SMALLPOX.”

Exotic Asian Wedding

* All of the waitresses will be dressed as geishas. They will be small Asian women who are not necessarily of Japanese descent, because do you seriously think that Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests can tell? Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests probably barely know that there are different countries in Asia, they just think it’s an amorphous, spicy landmass called “The Orient.”

* Also all of these waitresses will be referred to as “Oriental.”

* Fortune cookies! Everyone will read theirs out loud then add “in bed” to the end of it. That’s not even racist, it’s just a fun party game.

* Male waiters or cooks will be white men doing racist Asian impressions a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

* Fried rice. Definitely fried rice. Wait. Can you deep-fry rice? Maybe that.

* When it comes time to pay, the hosts will encourage the Asian staff to figure out the tab because “you people are always so good at Math!”

~~~
Who knows, if Martha Stewart can get over her insider trading scandal and prison time, maybe P- Deen can too. Do you guys even remember the hoopla around Brad Paisley and LL Cool J’s Accidental Racist song? Yeah, the heat is off them too. But just in case you forgot…
~~~

Live Blog: First Time Listener of “Accidental Racist”

Earlier this week, I heard that there was a song called Accidental Racist. And that this was a country song. And that there was a rap verse. AND that it was ridiculous. So, like any blogger, I thought “stop right there! I cannot hear any more about this until I’m ready to write about it.”

Here I am, several days later, with the song queued up and my laptop at the ready. I think that, like most kinds of virginity, Accidental Racist virginity is best lost with very little preparation and a live Internet audience.

In case you’re wondering, I totally ACED keyboarding class sophomore year of high school when I had room for an easy elective, so I don’t think I’ll have to pause the song to type very often. Here goes nothin’.

– Aww, come on, the one I was trying to load was removed by user! Probably because the user was ashamed, right? Or I guess copyright law issues.

– This shit isn’t even on Youtube. Everyone’s getting all fired up about something that’s not on Youtube? As far as I’m concerned, if something isn’t on Youtube, it isn’t even real. Okay, found it… in a back alley of the internet, more or less.

– Generic Country intro, wouldn’t be amiss in a Taylor Swift song. I think things will get bad fast.

– Starbucks reference 5 words in. Gotta be a record for a country song. Or like songs, generally.

– NO NO NO. Brad’s singing in a heart-warming tone about how he hopes the Starbucks guy (who is black??) knows that Brad wears “that t-shirt” because he likes Lynard Skynard. I am thinking he means a Confederate Flag t-shirt. Oh, Lordy. I actually did a whole project on displaying the Confederate flag and when/where it is/isn’t okay during law school. Like, doctoral level shit. But outside of the legal sense, I’m going to say that if you’re going to need to sing-apologize for your apparel to the Starbucks guy, maybe don’t wear it. I wish I could go back two years and make that my thesis.

– “I just asked if you wanted whip on your Frappuccino” – the Starbucks guy, probably.

– “I’m proud of where I’m from but not proud of what they’ve done.” You know who else feels like that? Most Germans, I bet. You know what they do about it? I don’t know, if memory serves they don’t wear swastika t-shirts then make baristas listen to them sing about it.

– That law school course was actually on the Reconstruction. You know who doesn’t seem to understand Reconstruction? Brad Paisley. But you know who is singing about it anyway? Brad fuckin’ Paisley. It actually had nothing to do with fixing buildings.

– “It ain’t like I can walk a mile in someone else’s skin.” Nine out of ten serial killers would disagree. Also, I liked that speech better when it was coming out of Atticus Finch.

– At this point the barista is probably wondering why Paisley didn’t just order a breve or something so he’d be gone by now.

– THE NICE GUY FROM NCIS IS RAPPING NOW, YOU GUYS.

– LL wants white men to understand what life is like when you’re “living in the hood.” I grew up next to drug dealers in a neighborhood called the “fatal crescent.” He probably pees into a toilet made of pure platinum and filled with Evian. Don’t even try that.

– Fuckin’ CONVERSATE? That’s actually the worst thing I’ve heard thus far. Like when people say “orientate.” Converse. Orient. Shut up.

– If you don’t judge my do-rag I won’t judge the red flag? I’m sorry, when the North invaded the South, were they waving Do Rags above their heads? Did they proudly fly the do rag when they enslaved Southern Whites? If the answer is no then this analogy is pretty poor.

– If you don’t judge my gold chains I’ll forget the iron chains? Ah, yes. Okay. We’ve reached a point where instead of “50 acres and a mule,” everyone’s just decided to settle for the ability to wear gold neckwear? I’m sure former slaves in the Jim Crow south would have found that a totally fair exchange. Surprised Lincoln didn’t write it into the Emancipation Proclamation. Or did he?

– The barista has probably just given up and sent Paisley to the nearest Dunkin by now. Wait. WAIT. Was Cool J supposed to be the barista? Was that him all along? Whoa. Mind games. That’s some Sixth Sense shit right there.

Post-song wrap-up: Okay, the message is fine, almost. Everybody stereotypes everyone else, and it’s not great. Also, none of us were alive 150 years ago, so a white Southern man today didn’t do anything to bring about slavery. Totally true. But the way this song makes it seem like the institutionalized racism that black men face is totally the same as a funny look from your barista when you wear a Skynard t-shirt? No. I get that the Confederate flag is totally different in the South and I just don’t understand it. But still, let me close with my favorite Confederate flag anecdote.

A kid in the suite across from me Sophomore year had a Confederate flag hanging in his window. He was from Virginia or something. Anyway, one day it went missing. He went crazy looking for it. I was talking about it with one of my friends, who led me into her room. The Confederate flag was there, ripped into pieces. “Were you drunk?” I asked. “Yeah,” she answered. “God. I just really hated that fucking flag.”

Saturday Spotlight: Things We Love That You’ll Love Too

There was a lot to be happy about this week, so it’s only fitting that  we filled the blog with things we absolutely love. Read on, maybe you’ll love them too:

Now that your stories are over for the summer, we have THE series for you. It has clones, accents, humor, mystery, and the best damn actress you may not have heard of. May I present:

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Orphan Black

Quick plot summary: A woman named Sarah witnesses another woman, Beth, jump into train tracks to commit suicide. Sarah decides to steal her purse only to find out she looks exactly like Beth. In order to escape her messed up life, Sarah assumes Beth’s identity… except she soon finds out there are other women out there who look just like them. Clones if you will. Needless to say, there’s a sci-fi element to it. For the record, I’m not that into sci-fi shows, I mean I really liked Heroes, but this show is more drama than sci-fi, if that’s any help to you.

You know what else we love? Summer, in general — and summer songs, in particular. Here are the songs that we think will be the soundtrack to Summer 2013, based either on radio airplay or how just general jam-ability. In years hence, they will call this The Summer Of Blurred Lines.

Playlist of the Month: Summer Jams

Well folks, we’re well into the summer season now, and the sun is showing itself a little more often than it was a couple months ago. School’s out (which I’m assuming doesn’t effect most of our readers, but you can still feel the freedom in the air), the dresses and sandals come out from the closet, and eating ice cream and fro-yo everyday is more acceptable than in the winter months. So to celebrate the season, here are our favorite jams for this summer. No ‘Call Me Maybe’, but a few good picks for 2013. Enjoy the entire playlist on Spotify!

Another things that’s really great: people trying really hard at something, and failing. We’ve all done it. But when the failures are publicly-posted celebrity fan art, it’s really something special:

Hilariously Embarrassing (Bad) Celebrity Fan Art

I think this particular fan thought Ross was slowly becoming Marcel the Monkey.

One more thing to love in the midst of a lovely week: dying alone. Hear me out. If you aren’t married, and frankly don’t even want to be, there are some real advantages in a field you can’t overlook — wardrobe!

Things You Can Wear While Dying Alone

Frownies: Frownies are scraps of paper that you stick onto your face at night. Theoretically, after you tape your face down it can’t move as much, so you should wake up a little less wrinkly and a little more beautiful. This is a good thing to do if you don’t necessarily want to die alone, but aren’t getting any younger and don’t make, you know, Botox money. Let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more beautiful than waking up at 2 in the morning to find myself frantically clawing bits of calcified paper off of my face. If you don’t want to shell out cash for Frownies, you could probably make your own with construction paper, Elmer’s glue, and self-loathing. Frownies are a special privilege for ladies who are dying alone.

When you have summer jams queued up and a new tv show to binge watch, it’s hard to be anything but happy. I hope you’ve loved this week as much as we have!

Things You Can Wear While Dying Alone

If my Facebook feed is to believed, the world is probably about to end by flooding again. After all, what other reason is there for everyone to be paired up two-by-two? Okay, maybe we’re not in the midst of a Noah’s ark scenario, but still – I can’t go a day without seeing somebody’s wedding or engagement. Over 10 of my Facebook friends are expecting babies this summer. What’s a single lady to do?

Well, she’s to look on the bright side! You all may have locked down someone to care for you in your old age, but I have something just as precious – the ability to wear a bunch of really, really unattractive items without getting myself dumped.

Now, you may be reading this and saying “but Molly, my fiancé is my best friend and he loves me exactly how I am! I could dress like a bag lady and he’d still think I was the belle of the ball!” To you folks, I say this: I hope you’re right and that you have a love so beautiful and picturesque that it looks like a film adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. Except with nobody getting a disease or going off to war, I mean. But also, can you PLEASE  just let me have this ONE thing?

Like, I can wear these things:

Frownies:

WTFrownies

Frownies are scraps of paper that you stick onto your face at night. Theoretically, after you tape your face down it can’t move as much, so you should wake up a little less wrinkly and a little more beautiful. This is a good thing to do if you don’t necessarily want to die alone, but aren’t getting any younger and don’t make, you know, Botox money. Let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more beautiful than waking up at 2 in the morning to find myself frantically clawing bits of calcified paper off of my face. If you don’t want to shell out cash for Frownies, you could probably make your own with construction paper, Elmer’s glue, and self-loathing. Frownies are a special privilege for ladies who are dying alone.

Pineapple:

Curly-haired girls, this is the best thing ever and I only learned about it like 3 years ago. You know how you seriously cannot wash your hair every day or it looks like a ball of brillo? But you know how, after you sleep on your hair, it gets all frizzy and the curls all break up? PINEAPPLE, ladies. Just gather all of your hair up onto the tip-top of your head and secure it with a scrunchie. Yes, a mega-high ponytail and yes, a scrunchie. You’ll look like a curly Michelle Tanner. Your curls stay in place, don’t get stretched out like they would with a low ponytail, and you don’t get a ponytail bump like you would with an elastic. It’s a special hairdo that you can only wear if you’re in the middle of dying alone, because it’s kind of embarrassing. Note: when you have adult company, I suggest piling your hair straight above your head on your pillow so that you look like a troll doll, and just hoping that it goes unnoticed. It doesn’t work as well as the pineapple, especially if you move your head around, but it’s better than nothing and you won’t wake up with the dreaded brillo-head.

Sleep Cap:

It’s like a Halloween costume for a “Hot Pilgrim.”

Even more unattractive than the pineapple, I present the sleep cap. It’s a satin bonnet that protects your ‘do, keeps your hair from getting puffy or tangled, and makes you look like a sassy colonial woman. If you are dying alone, you might as well look like a modern-day Felicity Merriman in your sleep. Sleep caps are really for single people because they’re so awkward that, in the course of a relationship, you have to broach the subject of it as delicately as you would confess that you have an STD. “So, I have something to tell you. And I don’t want you to look at me any different, or think of me any different. And if you want to slow things down after I tell you this, I’ll understand. The fact is… I wear a sleep cap.”

“Play Clothes” when you get home from work

Do you remember when you’d get home from elementary school and you’d have to change into your play clothes right away? Maybe that was only those of us who wore uniforms. Anyway, as an adult you can really do the same thing. You can change into your workout clothes, hit the gym, then never change out of them. Or, you can put on sweatpants or pajamas and nobody will judge you. If you’re going to die alone, you might as well do it in comfort.

“Boyfriend” Anything

Ladies, let’s face it. There’s no way in hell anything that is “boyfriend” fit looks like you borrowed it from a gentleman caller.  Literally every pair of pants I own that could fall into the “boyfriend pant” category is actually a regular pair of pants that I bought a size big because I didn’t try them on, or got before accidentally losing 8 pounds or something. Let’s just call these what they really are, “comfortable clothing that I wear when I’m not trying because it’s cool if  I die alone.” I don’t think I’m fooling anyone into thinking I stole my jeans from a 5’2 man with a butt.

Hilariously Embarrassing (Bad) Celebrity Fan Art

Ah, fan art. The visual representation of when your interest in something goes from like to love. Normal to unhealthy obsession. Talking about it to your friends to talking about it in message boards 24/7.

But hey, I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to share with you the talents that are among us. Those brave enough to share their own celebrity idols immortalized forever into pen and paper. Here are a few ‘quality’ pieces I think should be shared with you all. Even if they do give you nightmares. Apologies.

The One with the badly drawn Friends

Ross Geller, everyone.

I think this particular fan thought Ross was slowly becoming Marcel the Monkey.

Why Rachel’s suddenly really into cellos is beyond me.

Did you miss Joey’s latest stint in The Walking Dead?

Who do you think you are, some kind of superstar?

The artist of this Tom Cruise portrait must have gone to the same art school as the Jesus fresco restoration person.

ummm James Franco?

The Dark Knight also doubles as Greg Brady

how dare you ruin the queen.

This could either be Nicolas Cage or Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, TBH.

Music makes the people come together (yeah)

Speaking of Chad Kroeger…. I’M SORRY

JT has never looked hotter

Marky Mark’s feelin the good vibrations fo sho

No baby, baby, baby. Beiber!

Zayn from One Direction – aka the best looking one in the group. But not in this particular sketch.

Fandomiest of all the Fandoms

Just, why?

The nerdy girl from The Middle falls in love with a really pale vampire

I think this is another Twilight person? Too hard to tell.

Fun Fact: David Tennant had the craziest eyes of all the Dr. Whos

Playlist of the Month: Summer Jams

Well folks, we’re well into the summer season now, and the sun is showing itself a little more often than it was a couple months ago. School’s out (which I’m assuming doesn’t effect most of our readers, but you can still feel the freedom in the air), the dresses and sandals come out from the closet, and eating ice cream and fro-yo everyday is more acceptable than in the winter months.

So to celebrate the season, here are our favorite jams for this summer. No ‘Call Me Maybe’, but a few good picks for 2013.

Enjoy the entire playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks

We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus

I have no shame in saying I love Miley. She doesn’t give a fuck, and that’s why I appreciate her. Do I think the music video for this song is appropriate for her younger fans? Not really. But do I think she did it because she can and she looks good while twerkin’? Yes. It’s her party she can do what she wants.

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft T.I. and Pharrell

This song should come with no explanation. Sex.

Disclosure – Latch

I first heard this song on a recent episode of So You Think You Can Dance, and ever since I found out what the song was, I haven’t stopped listening to it. Like it will end and I will immediately play it again. Plus nothing says summer like SYTYCD.

The Way – Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller

Don’t know who Ariana Grande is? She’s a Nickelodeon starlet who’s 19, but has a lot of tween fans. Sound familiar? She’s still in her innocent phase, but boy does she have a great range.

Cruise – Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly

Need a song to play while you’re driving through the country? Here’s your jam.

Miss Movin On – Fifth Harmony

I’ve mentioned Fifth Harmony here before, and again, no shame in liking them. They’ve come such a long way since they were thrown together on The X Factor, and this is the perfect first single for the girls to release as a hopeful summer hit (and their acoustic version is balls to the wall amazing). I have big hopes for these gals!

Molly’s picks

Q.U.E.E.N. – Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu

As soon as I heard that Janelle Monae and Erykah Badu were collaborating I was like “okay, then, that’s my new favorite song.” Like, before I even heard it, because how could you go wrong? And let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I will say, though, that this one’s a grower. The first time I heard it I was like yeah, it’s pretty good. Then by listen 4 or so I was all, this jam is my JAM.

Get Lucky – Daft Punk feat. Pharrell

First of all, who would have thought this would be the summer of Pharrell’s comeback as a featured artist? Second, I have plenty of fond memories of dancing to One More Time, and there’s always room for more Daft Punk. Third, it’s only the first day of summer, but I can already tell you that no Summer 2013 playlist would be complete without Get Lucky and Blurred Lines.

Gun – Chvrches

Once you get over the thing of like, “wait, I just pronounce it “churches, right?” this is pretty great.

Diane Young – Vampire Weekend

Ezra. EZRA. Nice work. Love the old-school rock vibe they have going on here. I feel like I’m going to get a malt and watch a drag race. My knowledge of the 50s is mostly based on Grease.

Cocoa Butter Kisses – Chance The Rapper

First time I heard Chance the Rapper, I was like what the hell is this Adam Sandler-impression-sounding guy even doing? But I’ve come around, and Acid Rap is def one of THE mixtapes of the summer.

If you want to add a chill jam to the list, I suggest Wakin On A Pretty Day by Kurt Vile. If your summer needs more Kanye, well, primarily I recommend listening to 2005-era Ye because that’s the BEST. But I’m seriously feeling Black Skinhead this summer too.

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Orphan Black

If you’re a crazypants TV watcher like me, your prime time schedule has been greatly minimized since the season finale bonanza in May. I usually like to take the summer to binge watch series that have been on my ‘To Watch’ list. This year, I had The Wire at the very top of the list… Until I heard about Orphan Black, and I’m so glad I bumped it to the top.

Orphan Black is a series on BBC America that ended its first season run at the beginning of June. Despite the fact it wasn’t the best rated program, it’s been slowing gaining a lot of attenion, and garnering a lot of critical acclaim just in time for Emmy voting season. Not to mention the lead actress, Tatiana Maslany, just won a Critics’ Choice Television award for Best Drama Actress (beating out the likes of Claire Danes & Juliana Margulies)! With all the talk about the show and the fact it’s only 10 episodes, I bumped OB to up to spot number one.

Quick plot summary: A woman named Sarah witnesses another woman, Beth, jump into train tracks to commit suicide. Sarah decides to steal her purse only to find out she looks exactly like Beth. In order to escape her messed up life, Sarah assumes Beth’s identity… except she soon finds out there are other women out there who look just like them. Clones if you will. Needless to say, there’s a sci-fi element to it. For the record, I’m not that into sci-fi shows, I mean I really liked Heroes, but this show is more drama than sci-fi, if that’s any help to you.

Number one reason you need to watch this show:

Tatiana Maslany!

It’s true what all the critics are saying about her. She is amazing. Because this show is about clones, she plays every single one – 9 in all I believe? – flawlessly. So much so that in my head they’re all different actresses. She posted a pic of one clone’s love interest, and I was like ‘how is she even with her, she doesn’t have scenes with that character?’ No, I’m an idiot, she’s really good at her job, and she plays all the clones and acts with all the other actors.

Every character is so fleshed out. From the costumes, to the little personality traits to the accents (oh yeah, she switches between accents too), everything flows so seamlessly. There are multiple scenes throughout the show where she has to play a clone pretending to be another clone. It sounds confusing, but she makes it so believable. On top of that, she’s a really good actress. In the approx 5 minutes Beth is shown before she kills herself, Tatiana shows her entire character in just one look. It’s mesmerizing.

For example:

This is Sarah. Punk-rock chick.

This is Beth. Detective about to commit suicide.

This is Tatiana Maslany playing Sarah pretending to be Beth.

One of the great things I read in an interview with Tatiana is that she has an extensive background in improv, which she uses to solidify each character. Her intuition of the ‘yes, and’ process helps lead the character in the natural direction she would go in. If you’ve ever seen (good) improv-ers, you know that they can make anything into a like 15-30 minutes – or more – sketch (Name a profession and a place! A pimp in Transylvania! So much story to tell already!). With Tatiana, she’s using that same skill and creating an arc for all 9 characters from episode to episode, building on the excellent backstory and script provided for her. Plus her mom is a French/English translator, so she is super good with languages. She learned German before she learned how to speak English! She’s legit perfect for this role. Roles. All the roles.

In fact, to all you Emmy voters out there, please please please give this girl a nomination at least. And then give her an Emmy. I feel so strongly about this I’m inclined to start a grassroots campaign – which I’m sure has already been started by some fangirl in Canada (fun fact: the series was shot and based in Canada. In fact, Tatiana and most of the cast are Canadian! Eh!).

There was a recent article on Buzzfeed in which comedian Patton Oswalt legit explains why she deserves all the awards. I’m not the only one who believes in this girl, y’all!

I would list other reasons why you should watch this show, like I guess the other excellent actors, the outstanding writing, the show’s ability to make you have no idea what’s going to happen next and possibly yell and throw objects at the TV, the hilarious jokes that are thrown in, or the loyal, gay best friend:

or this smokeshow (Paul, Beth’s boyfriend):
.But I’m going to stick with Tatiana Maslany. Only thing that sucks about this show: the fact that it doesn’t come back until 2014. But come on, what else are you going to watch until Breaking Bad comes back??

PS: Orphan Black is currently available On Demand (for Time Warner Cable, at least), but here’s a handy guide to find a provider near you!

Racist Weddings With Paula Deen

So Paula Deen is a racist. She’s that extra-bad kind of racist, too. She’s the kind that thinks because she doesn’t say she hates black people, and doesn’t wish ill on people of color, then she’s not really racist.

Racist Paula Deen planned a Racist Wedding. At Paula Deen’s Racist Wedding, slaves middle-aged black men would serve the guests in order to evoke a time in the South’s past. A time “before, during, or after the Civil War,” according to Paula Deen (isn’t that just ANY TIME?, I wondered). I think she meant the time when slavery was legal, the time during the war to make slavery illegal, and that whole messy Jim Crow/reconstruction business where things were still really bad.

By the way, Paula didn’t refer to these waiters as… you know, THAT word, because they were “professional black men.” First of all, since slaves didn’t get paid, weren’t they the opposite of professionals? Second, I don’t know how you become a professional black man. I think I might only know amateur black men.

I was so disappointed by this. I mean, why stop there, Paula? I think she could have a new show or maybe pen a book on the racist wedding theme. Antebellum Slave Wedding? Okay. But you KNOW you have some more racist wedding ideas in that buttery little head of yours, Paula. Here, let me help:

“Red Injun” Wedding

* The walk down the aisle will be re-named the “trail of tears.”

* Everyone gets an “Indian Name!” So fun.

* Plus, if you meet someone really cool at the wedding you will declare them your “spirit animal.”

* First dance? “Colors of the Wind.”

* It is an adults-only reception. All children will be swept away to boarding schools to be re-educated in the ways of the white man.

* All wait staff will be Native American. Guests are encouraged to share stories about how “my great, great grandmother was 1/8 Cherokee Princess.”

* The dancing portion will be called a pow-wow.

* White hipster guests will be able to take the “authentic” native headdresses off of all of the waiters, so that they can wear them to outdoor music festivals.

*If you have the cash-money for celebrity entertainment: Johnny Depp as Tonto.

* Fry bread. Definitely fry bread. But with little butter pockets in there, because butter.

* Waiters will be told that they will be fairly compensated, but will actually be paid in Smallpox Blankets.

* The bride and groom will sign a contract with the wedding facility that stipulates that the party can go until 11pm. Then, when it’s time to leave, they’ll be like “okay, we DISCOVERED this reception hall so we’re just going to keep it.” And the owners will be like “nah, we were already here, I mean we kind of built the whole thing.” And the happy couple will be like “whatever, enjoy all your SMALLPOX.”

Exotic Asian Wedding

* All of the waitresses will be dressed as geishas. They will be small Asian women who are not necessarily of Japanese descent, because do you seriously think that Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests can tell? Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests probably barely know that there are different countries in Asia, they just think it’s an amorphous, spicy landmass called “The Orient.”

* Also all of these waitresses will be referred to as “Oriental.”

* Fortune cookies! Everyone will read theirs out loud then add “in bed” to the end of it. That’s not even racist, it’s just a fun party game.

* Male waiters or cooks will be white men doing racist Asian impressions a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

* Fried rice. Definitely fried rice. Wait. Can you deep-fry rice? Maybe that.

* When it comes time to pay, the hosts will encourage the Asian staff to figure out the tab because “you people are always so good at Math!”

Secret Annex Wedding

– Upon entering the reception, some guests will be provided with these really cute identifying patches that they will have to wear at all times (Star of David, purple triangle, what have you).

– Swing music! So ’40s.

– At the beginning of the wedding, all guests will have the same privileges. Restrictions will incrementally be added to the patch-wearing guests. First they will be unable to access the cake table, then they will be barred from dancing on the main dance floor.

– After a point, these guests will be forced to hide in an attic above the reception. They will have to be utterly still and silent “just like in the old days!”.

– Waitresses attending to these guests will be referred to as “Miep Gieses.”

Tenement Wedding

– This wedding package is perfect if you’re the right kind of white person (read: Protestant Anglo-Saxons of means)! As you walk down that aisle and into your new life, you can walk right back into the past – when you could rest assured that you’re the social better of even most other white people.

– The wedding will be “cozy.’ By that I mean each pew will be at double or triple occupancy.

– There will be one small, cramped shared bathroom for all guests.

– The entry to the ceremony will be called “Ellis Island.” And it’s going to be so adorable, oh my goodness. The ushers will inspect you for medical conditions and may arbitrarily send you back, but no big deal, I’m sure you’ll find a way home if that happens! Also if your name is hard to spell or pronounce, that’s silly but we’ll fix it for you.

– The ceremony will take place at a Protestant church, because this is America and we don’t worship the Pope here, thank you.

– All servers and staff will be inspected before they leave to make sure they’re not stealing anything. If there’s a fire, guests will get out just fine because we’ll lock the workers in! Otherwise they’d probably steal stuff.

– No Irish Need Apply.

Modern American Wedding

– Not nostalgic? No problem! Paula Deen will make sure that your fav features of modern America are all reflected in your nuptials

–  We’re going to let Black men go to this one. But if you drive there, you’ll probably get pulled over on the way in. Paula Deen’s just trying to keep all y’all safe!

– Dinner will be served buffet-style. However, women’s plates will be 75% the size of men’s. It’s already a racist wedding, we don’t want to get all wacky with equality and stuff. Who knows where that could lead?

– If you fall anywhere on the brown spectrum, color-wise, please carry identification with you as you may have to prove citizenship at any time.

– The guests with the top 1% of the income may occupy 40% of the dance floor. Don’t worry, most of them will be white.

– Macaroni and cheese bar! Yum.

– I can’t believe I even have to tell you this, but a Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is a one man – one woman affair.

– Probably there’ll be muzak during dinner, then soft rock during the dancing portion. You know Delilah, the inoffensive  syndicated host on radio stations that middle-aged ladies sometimes like? She’s the DJ.

– Cute idea: you could have “food deserts” where your less-affluent guests will have to go really, really far to get any of your more fresh and delicious dishes. But right at their tables you could give them some stuff with sodium and preservatives all up in it!

– A Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is not handicap-accessible.

Please note that all of these ideas can be performed as a bar mitzvah instead. However, that probably means that you’re Jewish, and Paula Deen WILL make a joke about that and levy antisemitic slurs at you.

ICYMI: The Birth of the Kimye Spawn

Well folks, it finally happened. The spawn of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West has finally arrived – and a month early, no less! But lest us forget the 8.5 month journey we went on with the first couple of narcissism. Molly wrote a great wrap up of their pregnancy this week:

The Kimye Pregnancy – A Retrospective

Over the past weeks, months, and — has it been years? — we’ve grown accustomed to the Kim Kardashian/ Kanye West pregnancy. It sort of seemed like it would always be here, you know? I mean it seemed like it would never END. But it’s over now, and maybe you’re starting to feel a little lost. Whose pregnancy couture will I judge now? Not Kate Middleton’s, because they’re putting her away until the baby comes. Whose baby names will I bet on? Again, not Kate Middleton’s, because there are like 10 acceptable Royal British Baby Names.

The only thing to do, then, is to look back at the fond memories. Grab a nice cup of tea, queue up some sentimental music (I suggest Bookends by Simon and Garfunkel), and remember the gestation that was… (click the above link for the entire post!)

And while the new parents have decided to go with the ever so unique and geographically helpful name of ‘North West’, here are some other names that are just ridiculous enough to be real celeb baby names…

Ten Words That Sound Like Celebrity Baby Names 

A universe without absurd celebrity baby names would be like a universe without circus peanuts. Some people adore them, some people abhor them, but the world would be a little less sweet — yet  fully operational — without them.

I have compiled a list of words that sound like celebrity baby names, because that’s just the kind of lady I am. Note that all of these were chosen based on sound and spelling, not meaning.

  • Rayon (Boy. It will go on to widespread use among commoners. After a few years, a celeb will use it on a girl to be “edgy.” The Internet will be divided about that.) [Ed. note: A not-so-secret secret here at C+S is that we write/queue our posts up to a month in advance. A few weeks after I wrote this, this post appeared: a (non-celeb) Rayon already exists in the UK! I don’t want you all to feel scammed, so I’m adding a bonus eleventh name at the end of the list.]
  • Peplum (Girl. The mother is quirky and British or French. They call her Peppy.)
  • Cavalry (Girl. She will be aptly and unfortunately horse-faced.)
  • Madrina (Girl. The mother will explain that she is “named after mygodmother.”)
  • Loafer (Boy. The mom will refer to him as Lo in interviews (in which she never shuts up about him.))
  • Gradient (Boy. It will go on to mass appeal with parents who like Grady but want  ”something more formal.” These are the same people who name their boys Brentson and Troyton but only ever plan to call them Brent and Troy.)
  • Attaché (Girl. An aging rocker’s child with a much younger woman. They will insist on calling her Che, but she will become Attie once she’s old enough to have opinions.)
  • Avarice (Girl. Looks like Ava + Alice + Beatrice, all of which are already “in” these days. I bet someone somewhere has already done this.)
  • Aril (Unisex. Starts as a boy name but becomes a popular misspelling of Ariel. Aril and Lira become a trendy twin name duo.)
  • Carton (Boy. With Carter, Carson, and names ending in -on as popular as they are, I’m surprised and disappointed that nobody has done this yet.)
  • Answer (Unisex. The parents will already have a kid with a word name, like Ever or Story — believe it or not, there are already 2 celebrity babies with each of those names. Names starting with A are popular, and it starts with Ann, which is a name, so I don’t even think this is too off-base. The parents will have some cheesy explanation for the name, like “She is the answer to our prayers!” or “Whenever he is questioning something, he only has to look to himself for the answer.” )

Saturday Spotlight: Those Crazy Kids

Not only is it officially summer,  it’s now officially summer vacation. That is, it’s the time of year when children and teens are roaming the streets at all odd hours. Those of us who are sort of- I guess – technically adults will probably run into the Youth of the Nation a lot more for the next few months. Luckily, we’ve been focusing on youth culture lately. To be quite honest, though, I don’t think we even understood teenagers when we WERE teenagers.

First, read up on the Bling Ring (the movie and the crime ring), Alexis Neiers (spoiled, crazy SoCal kid), and Pretty Wild (the E! series that documented it all):

Nancy Jo, This is Alexis Neiers Callingpw2

pw3

But of course, there are LA teens, and then there are Texas teens. Yep, we’re talking about Friday Night Lights. If you love Riggs, Smash, Julie and Matt, and of course Coach and Mrs. Coach, then you need to see this recap of Traci’s pilgrimage to Dillon (/Austin):

A Stalker’s Guide To Dillon, Texas

The Riggins House

2604 Lehigh Dr. Austin, TX 78723

2013-06-10 14.22.04

No sign of Riggs 😦

Also, teens like basketball, right? They all “want to be like Mike?” No? That was 20 years ago? Well, kids these days probably want to be like Craig Sager. He’s a veritable peacock. Look at all of his natty suit-coats:

The NBA’s fashion MVP

because, Christmas.

If being around all of these “young adults” makes you turn on your bitchy resting face, it’s okay. You’re not alone. And if it makes you turn on other unintentional facial expressions, like a face of constant concern, I get that, too:

Bitchy Resting Face and Beyond: Face-Off

Constant Concern:

DIY: Think about whatever troubles you the most, then arrange your face accordingly. Then, do this when you’re just watching The Little Couple or making some zucchini bread. People will worry.

Nancy Jo, This is Alexis Neiers Calling…

If this looks familiar to you, kudos for recognizing one of the greatest moments in pop culture history. Alexis Neiers was one of the stars of Pretty Wild, an E! reality TV series that ran for one season in 2010. After the pilot was filmed in 2009, Alexis was arrested in connection with the “Bling Ring” burglaries in Los Angeles, where a group of troubled teens broke into the homes of celebrities and stole up to $3 million worth of items.

And that, as you may know, has recently been turned into a movie aptly called The Bling Ring, which I actually paid money to see last weekend. To be honest, I only knew the basics of the Bling Ring burglaries, that they snuck into the homes of Paris Hilton, Orlando Bloom, Audrina Patridge, etc. But the movie gave a lot more insight into what these kids did at least based on accounts from a Vanity Fair article and the Pretty Wild show.

In fact, the writer of the Vanity Fair article (and consequent book) is Nancy Jo Sales, the woman Alexis is leaving a message for in the above gif. Titled The Suspects Wore Louboutins, director Sofia Coppola rewrote the article into a screenplay almost verbatim, and let me tell you – it’s scary.

These kids – kids – had no fear. No fear and pure stupidity. The way they broke into the celebs’ houses was by looking online to make sure they were out of town, and then found their addresses online. It really doesn’t take a genius to do that. But these teens broke into the houses, then went back multiple times, stealing more and more every time. Then they would wear the Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Herve Leger, Louboutins out in public, post pix on Facebook, and talk about stealing their stuff to people at parties. I don’t steal, but if I did, I would make damn sure there was absolutely no way it could be traced back to me.

The whole movie was fascinating, letting you into a world where these kids who thought they were indestructible let their obsession with pop culture reach the next level. I mean in the movie (and the article), the ringleader, Rachel Lee (named Rebecca Ahn in the film) is being questioned by the police in jail about breaking into Lindsay Lohan’s house. This was the excerpt from the VF article, which is pretty much exactly how it played out on screen:

“During the warrant service,” says the L.A.P.D. report, “Lee asked several officers if they would release her if she told them where ‘everything is.’”

“Hypothetically,” Lee allegedly said, “let’s say I might know where this property is located and who has it, how could that help me?”

“It is clear that Lee felt that she successfully removed all items of stolen property from the residence,” the report goes on. “However, when Lee saw” that cops had found a coat allegedly belonging to Lindsay Lohan and some topless pictures of Paris Hilton (stolen from Hilton’s unlocked safe) on the premises, “her mood instantly changed from being calm and collected to instantly becoming nearly hysterical, physically ill, and gagging as though she were about to vomit.

“Lee asked Detective [Leanne] Hoffman,” of the L.A.P.D., “if she had spoken to the victims. Hoffman replied that she had spoken to all of the victims. Lee became excited and asked, ‘What did Lindsay say?’”

Meanwhile, Alexis was enjoying her newfound ‘fame’ thanks to her E! reality show with her former Playboy playmate mom, best friend Tess, and her little sister Gabby. Listen guys, the entire series (aka one season) is on Netflix right now, and I highly suggest you watch it. Just for sociology purposes. As evidence by the show, these people actually exist. I mean after watching Pretty Wild, it’s hard to believe Alexis wasn’t arrested for something else sooner.

In fact, Alexis later revealed that she was completely high when she filmed the show, and was even living in a Best Western, panhandling for drugs, and was on a $10,000/week drug habit. HELLO?!  (In case you’re wondering, Alexis is now sober, married to some guy in his 40s, and gave birth to her first child in April. How’s your love life going?)

 

If I learned anything from Pretty Wild/The Bling Ring, it’s that if I even have kids and raise them here in LA, I will make sure they don’t become these teens, who took their fame obsession to an unhealthy place that landed them in jail (Here’s info on the real people if you want to know where they are now). But like history, it’s doomed to repeat itself, so for the sake of my hypothetical future children and yours, see this movie. Or read the article. Either way, educate yourself. It’s a scary world out there y’all.