Things You Can Wear While Dying Alone

If my Facebook feed is to believed, the world is probably about to end by flooding again. After all, what other reason is there for everyone to be paired up two-by-two? Okay, maybe we’re not in the midst of a Noah’s ark scenario, but still – I can’t go a day without seeing somebody’s wedding or engagement. Over 10 of my Facebook friends are expecting babies this summer. What’s a single lady to do?

Well, she’s to look on the bright side! You all may have locked down someone to care for you in your old age, but I have something just as precious – the ability to wear a bunch of really, really unattractive items without getting myself dumped.

Now, you may be reading this and saying “but Molly, my fiancé is my best friend and he loves me exactly how I am! I could dress like a bag lady and he’d still think I was the belle of the ball!” To you folks, I say this: I hope you’re right and that you have a love so beautiful and picturesque that it looks like a film adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. Except with nobody getting a disease or going off to war, I mean. But also, can you PLEASE  just let me have this ONE thing?

Like, I can wear these things:

Frownies:

WTFrownies

Frownies are scraps of paper that you stick onto your face at night. Theoretically, after you tape your face down it can’t move as much, so you should wake up a little less wrinkly and a little more beautiful. This is a good thing to do if you don’t necessarily want to die alone, but aren’t getting any younger and don’t make, you know, Botox money. Let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more beautiful than waking up at 2 in the morning to find myself frantically clawing bits of calcified paper off of my face. If you don’t want to shell out cash for Frownies, you could probably make your own with construction paper, Elmer’s glue, and self-loathing. Frownies are a special privilege for ladies who are dying alone.

Pineapple:

Curly-haired girls, this is the best thing ever and I only learned about it like 3 years ago. You know how you seriously cannot wash your hair every day or it looks like a ball of brillo? But you know how, after you sleep on your hair, it gets all frizzy and the curls all break up? PINEAPPLE, ladies. Just gather all of your hair up onto the tip-top of your head and secure it with a scrunchie. Yes, a mega-high ponytail and yes, a scrunchie. You’ll look like a curly Michelle Tanner. Your curls stay in place, don’t get stretched out like they would with a low ponytail, and you don’t get a ponytail bump like you would with an elastic. It’s a special hairdo that you can only wear if you’re in the middle of dying alone, because it’s kind of embarrassing. Note: when you have adult company, I suggest piling your hair straight above your head on your pillow so that you look like a troll doll, and just hoping that it goes unnoticed. It doesn’t work as well as the pineapple, especially if you move your head around, but it’s better than nothing and you won’t wake up with the dreaded brillo-head.

Sleep Cap:

It’s like a Halloween costume for a “Hot Pilgrim.”

Even more unattractive than the pineapple, I present the sleep cap. It’s a satin bonnet that protects your ‘do, keeps your hair from getting puffy or tangled, and makes you look like a sassy colonial woman. If you are dying alone, you might as well look like a modern-day Felicity Merriman in your sleep. Sleep caps are really for single people because they’re so awkward that, in the course of a relationship, you have to broach the subject of it as delicately as you would confess that you have an STD. “So, I have something to tell you. And I don’t want you to look at me any different, or think of me any different. And if you want to slow things down after I tell you this, I’ll understand. The fact is… I wear a sleep cap.”

“Play Clothes” when you get home from work

Do you remember when you’d get home from elementary school and you’d have to change into your play clothes right away? Maybe that was only those of us who wore uniforms. Anyway, as an adult you can really do the same thing. You can change into your workout clothes, hit the gym, then never change out of them. Or, you can put on sweatpants or pajamas and nobody will judge you. If you’re going to die alone, you might as well do it in comfort.

“Boyfriend” Anything

Ladies, let’s face it. There’s no way in hell anything that is “boyfriend” fit looks like you borrowed it from a gentleman caller.  Literally every pair of pants I own that could fall into the “boyfriend pant” category is actually a regular pair of pants that I bought a size big because I didn’t try them on, or got before accidentally losing 8 pounds or something. Let’s just call these what they really are, “comfortable clothing that I wear when I’m not trying because it’s cool if  I die alone.” I don’t think I’m fooling anyone into thinking I stole my jeans from a 5’2 man with a butt.

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Hilariously Embarrassing (Bad) Celebrity Fan Art

Ah, fan art. The visual representation of when your interest in something goes from like to love. Normal to unhealthy obsession. Talking about it to your friends to talking about it in message boards 24/7.

But hey, I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to share with you the talents that are among us. Those brave enough to share their own celebrity idols immortalized forever into pen and paper. Here are a few ‘quality’ pieces I think should be shared with you all. Even if they do give you nightmares. Apologies.

The One with the badly drawn Friends

Ross Geller, everyone.

I think this particular fan thought Ross was slowly becoming Marcel the Monkey.

Why Rachel’s suddenly really into cellos is beyond me.

Did you miss Joey’s latest stint in The Walking Dead?

Who do you think you are, some kind of superstar?

The artist of this Tom Cruise portrait must have gone to the same art school as the Jesus fresco restoration person.

ummm James Franco?

The Dark Knight also doubles as Greg Brady

how dare you ruin the queen.

This could either be Nicolas Cage or Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, TBH.

Music makes the people come together (yeah)

Speaking of Chad Kroeger…. I’M SORRY

JT has never looked hotter

Marky Mark’s feelin the good vibrations fo sho

No baby, baby, baby. Beiber!

Zayn from One Direction – aka the best looking one in the group. But not in this particular sketch.

Fandomiest of all the Fandoms

Just, why?

The nerdy girl from The Middle falls in love with a really pale vampire

I think this is another Twilight person? Too hard to tell.

Fun Fact: David Tennant had the craziest eyes of all the Dr. Whos

Playlist of the Month: Summer Jams

Well folks, we’re well into the summer season now, and the sun is showing itself a little more often than it was a couple months ago. School’s out (which I’m assuming doesn’t effect most of our readers, but you can still feel the freedom in the air), the dresses and sandals come out from the closet, and eating ice cream and fro-yo everyday is more acceptable than in the winter months.

So to celebrate the season, here are our favorite jams for this summer. No ‘Call Me Maybe’, but a few good picks for 2013.

Enjoy the entire playlist on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks

We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus

I have no shame in saying I love Miley. She doesn’t give a fuck, and that’s why I appreciate her. Do I think the music video for this song is appropriate for her younger fans? Not really. But do I think she did it because she can and she looks good while twerkin’? Yes. It’s her party she can do what she wants.

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft T.I. and Pharrell

This song should come with no explanation. Sex.

Disclosure – Latch

I first heard this song on a recent episode of So You Think You Can Dance, and ever since I found out what the song was, I haven’t stopped listening to it. Like it will end and I will immediately play it again. Plus nothing says summer like SYTYCD.

The Way – Ariana Grande ft. Mac Miller

Don’t know who Ariana Grande is? She’s a Nickelodeon starlet who’s 19, but has a lot of tween fans. Sound familiar? She’s still in her innocent phase, but boy does she have a great range.

Cruise – Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly

Need a song to play while you’re driving through the country? Here’s your jam.

Miss Movin On – Fifth Harmony

I’ve mentioned Fifth Harmony here before, and again, no shame in liking them. They’ve come such a long way since they were thrown together on The X Factor, and this is the perfect first single for the girls to release as a hopeful summer hit (and their acoustic version is balls to the wall amazing). I have big hopes for these gals!

Molly’s picks

Q.U.E.E.N. – Janelle Monae feat. Erykah Badu

As soon as I heard that Janelle Monae and Erykah Badu were collaborating I was like “okay, then, that’s my new favorite song.” Like, before I even heard it, because how could you go wrong? And let me tell you, I was not disappointed. I will say, though, that this one’s a grower. The first time I heard it I was like yeah, it’s pretty good. Then by listen 4 or so I was all, this jam is my JAM.

Get Lucky – Daft Punk feat. Pharrell

First of all, who would have thought this would be the summer of Pharrell’s comeback as a featured artist? Second, I have plenty of fond memories of dancing to One More Time, and there’s always room for more Daft Punk. Third, it’s only the first day of summer, but I can already tell you that no Summer 2013 playlist would be complete without Get Lucky and Blurred Lines.

Gun – Chvrches

Once you get over the thing of like, “wait, I just pronounce it “churches, right?” this is pretty great.

Diane Young – Vampire Weekend

Ezra. EZRA. Nice work. Love the old-school rock vibe they have going on here. I feel like I’m going to get a malt and watch a drag race. My knowledge of the 50s is mostly based on Grease.

Cocoa Butter Kisses – Chance The Rapper

First time I heard Chance the Rapper, I was like what the hell is this Adam Sandler-impression-sounding guy even doing? But I’ve come around, and Acid Rap is def one of THE mixtapes of the summer.

If you want to add a chill jam to the list, I suggest Wakin On A Pretty Day by Kurt Vile. If your summer needs more Kanye, well, primarily I recommend listening to 2005-era Ye because that’s the BEST. But I’m seriously feeling Black Skinhead this summer too.

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Orphan Black

If you’re a crazypants TV watcher like me, your prime time schedule has been greatly minimized since the season finale bonanza in May. I usually like to take the summer to binge watch series that have been on my ‘To Watch’ list. This year, I had The Wire at the very top of the list… Until I heard about Orphan Black, and I’m so glad I bumped it to the top.

Orphan Black is a series on BBC America that ended its first season run at the beginning of June. Despite the fact it wasn’t the best rated program, it’s been slowing gaining a lot of attenion, and garnering a lot of critical acclaim just in time for Emmy voting season. Not to mention the lead actress, Tatiana Maslany, just won a Critics’ Choice Television award for Best Drama Actress (beating out the likes of Claire Danes & Juliana Margulies)! With all the talk about the show and the fact it’s only 10 episodes, I bumped OB to up to spot number one.

Quick plot summary: A woman named Sarah witnesses another woman, Beth, jump into train tracks to commit suicide. Sarah decides to steal her purse only to find out she looks exactly like Beth. In order to escape her messed up life, Sarah assumes Beth’s identity… except she soon finds out there are other women out there who look just like them. Clones if you will. Needless to say, there’s a sci-fi element to it. For the record, I’m not that into sci-fi shows, I mean I really liked Heroes, but this show is more drama than sci-fi, if that’s any help to you.

Number one reason you need to watch this show:

Tatiana Maslany!

It’s true what all the critics are saying about her. She is amazing. Because this show is about clones, she plays every single one – 9 in all I believe? – flawlessly. So much so that in my head they’re all different actresses. She posted a pic of one clone’s love interest, and I was like ‘how is she even with her, she doesn’t have scenes with that character?’ No, I’m an idiot, she’s really good at her job, and she plays all the clones and acts with all the other actors.

Every character is so fleshed out. From the costumes, to the little personality traits to the accents (oh yeah, she switches between accents too), everything flows so seamlessly. There are multiple scenes throughout the show where she has to play a clone pretending to be another clone. It sounds confusing, but she makes it so believable. On top of that, she’s a really good actress. In the approx 5 minutes Beth is shown before she kills herself, Tatiana shows her entire character in just one look. It’s mesmerizing.

For example:

This is Sarah. Punk-rock chick.

This is Beth. Detective about to commit suicide.

This is Tatiana Maslany playing Sarah pretending to be Beth.

One of the great things I read in an interview with Tatiana is that she has an extensive background in improv, which she uses to solidify each character. Her intuition of the ‘yes, and’ process helps lead the character in the natural direction she would go in. If you’ve ever seen (good) improv-ers, you know that they can make anything into a like 15-30 minutes – or more – sketch (Name a profession and a place! A pimp in Transylvania! So much story to tell already!). With Tatiana, she’s using that same skill and creating an arc for all 9 characters from episode to episode, building on the excellent backstory and script provided for her. Plus her mom is a French/English translator, so she is super good with languages. She learned German before she learned how to speak English! She’s legit perfect for this role. Roles. All the roles.

In fact, to all you Emmy voters out there, please please please give this girl a nomination at least. And then give her an Emmy. I feel so strongly about this I’m inclined to start a grassroots campaign – which I’m sure has already been started by some fangirl in Canada (fun fact: the series was shot and based in Canada. In fact, Tatiana and most of the cast are Canadian! Eh!).

There was a recent article on Buzzfeed in which comedian Patton Oswalt legit explains why she deserves all the awards. I’m not the only one who believes in this girl, y’all!

I would list other reasons why you should watch this show, like I guess the other excellent actors, the outstanding writing, the show’s ability to make you have no idea what’s going to happen next and possibly yell and throw objects at the TV, the hilarious jokes that are thrown in, or the loyal, gay best friend:

or this smokeshow (Paul, Beth’s boyfriend):
.But I’m going to stick with Tatiana Maslany. Only thing that sucks about this show: the fact that it doesn’t come back until 2014. But come on, what else are you going to watch until Breaking Bad comes back??

PS: Orphan Black is currently available On Demand (for Time Warner Cable, at least), but here’s a handy guide to find a provider near you!

Racist Weddings With Paula Deen

So Paula Deen is a racist. She’s that extra-bad kind of racist, too. She’s the kind that thinks because she doesn’t say she hates black people, and doesn’t wish ill on people of color, then she’s not really racist.

Racist Paula Deen planned a Racist Wedding. At Paula Deen’s Racist Wedding, slaves middle-aged black men would serve the guests in order to evoke a time in the South’s past. A time “before, during, or after the Civil War,” according to Paula Deen (isn’t that just ANY TIME?, I wondered). I think she meant the time when slavery was legal, the time during the war to make slavery illegal, and that whole messy Jim Crow/reconstruction business where things were still really bad.

By the way, Paula didn’t refer to these waiters as… you know, THAT word, because they were “professional black men.” First of all, since slaves didn’t get paid, weren’t they the opposite of professionals? Second, I don’t know how you become a professional black man. I think I might only know amateur black men.

I was so disappointed by this. I mean, why stop there, Paula? I think she could have a new show or maybe pen a book on the racist wedding theme. Antebellum Slave Wedding? Okay. But you KNOW you have some more racist wedding ideas in that buttery little head of yours, Paula. Here, let me help:

“Red Injun” Wedding

* The walk down the aisle will be re-named the “trail of tears.”

* Everyone gets an “Indian Name!” So fun.

* Plus, if you meet someone really cool at the wedding you will declare them your “spirit animal.”

* First dance? “Colors of the Wind.”

* It is an adults-only reception. All children will be swept away to boarding schools to be re-educated in the ways of the white man.

* All wait staff will be Native American. Guests are encouraged to share stories about how “my great, great grandmother was 1/8 Cherokee Princess.”

* The dancing portion will be called a pow-wow.

* White hipster guests will be able to take the “authentic” native headdresses off of all of the waiters, so that they can wear them to outdoor music festivals.

*If you have the cash-money for celebrity entertainment: Johnny Depp as Tonto.

* Fry bread. Definitely fry bread. But with little butter pockets in there, because butter.

* Waiters will be told that they will be fairly compensated, but will actually be paid in Smallpox Blankets.

* The bride and groom will sign a contract with the wedding facility that stipulates that the party can go until 11pm. Then, when it’s time to leave, they’ll be like “okay, we DISCOVERED this reception hall so we’re just going to keep it.” And the owners will be like “nah, we were already here, I mean we kind of built the whole thing.” And the happy couple will be like “whatever, enjoy all your SMALLPOX.”

Exotic Asian Wedding

* All of the waitresses will be dressed as geishas. They will be small Asian women who are not necessarily of Japanese descent, because do you seriously think that Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests can tell? Paula Deen’s racist wedding guests probably barely know that there are different countries in Asia, they just think it’s an amorphous, spicy landmass called “The Orient.”

* Also all of these waitresses will be referred to as “Oriental.”

* Fortune cookies! Everyone will read theirs out loud then add “in bed” to the end of it. That’s not even racist, it’s just a fun party game.

* Male waiters or cooks will be white men doing racist Asian impressions a la Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

* Fried rice. Definitely fried rice. Wait. Can you deep-fry rice? Maybe that.

* When it comes time to pay, the hosts will encourage the Asian staff to figure out the tab because “you people are always so good at Math!”

Secret Annex Wedding

– Upon entering the reception, some guests will be provided with these really cute identifying patches that they will have to wear at all times (Star of David, purple triangle, what have you).

– Swing music! So ’40s.

– At the beginning of the wedding, all guests will have the same privileges. Restrictions will incrementally be added to the patch-wearing guests. First they will be unable to access the cake table, then they will be barred from dancing on the main dance floor.

– After a point, these guests will be forced to hide in an attic above the reception. They will have to be utterly still and silent “just like in the old days!”.

– Waitresses attending to these guests will be referred to as “Miep Gieses.”

Tenement Wedding

– This wedding package is perfect if you’re the right kind of white person (read: Protestant Anglo-Saxons of means)! As you walk down that aisle and into your new life, you can walk right back into the past – when you could rest assured that you’re the social better of even most other white people.

– The wedding will be “cozy.’ By that I mean each pew will be at double or triple occupancy.

– There will be one small, cramped shared bathroom for all guests.

– The entry to the ceremony will be called “Ellis Island.” And it’s going to be so adorable, oh my goodness. The ushers will inspect you for medical conditions and may arbitrarily send you back, but no big deal, I’m sure you’ll find a way home if that happens! Also if your name is hard to spell or pronounce, that’s silly but we’ll fix it for you.

– The ceremony will take place at a Protestant church, because this is America and we don’t worship the Pope here, thank you.

– All servers and staff will be inspected before they leave to make sure they’re not stealing anything. If there’s a fire, guests will get out just fine because we’ll lock the workers in! Otherwise they’d probably steal stuff.

– No Irish Need Apply.

Modern American Wedding

– Not nostalgic? No problem! Paula Deen will make sure that your fav features of modern America are all reflected in your nuptials

–  We’re going to let Black men go to this one. But if you drive there, you’ll probably get pulled over on the way in. Paula Deen’s just trying to keep all y’all safe!

– Dinner will be served buffet-style. However, women’s plates will be 75% the size of men’s. It’s already a racist wedding, we don’t want to get all wacky with equality and stuff. Who knows where that could lead?

– If you fall anywhere on the brown spectrum, color-wise, please carry identification with you as you may have to prove citizenship at any time.

– The guests with the top 1% of the income may occupy 40% of the dance floor. Don’t worry, most of them will be white.

– Macaroni and cheese bar! Yum.

– I can’t believe I even have to tell you this, but a Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is a one man – one woman affair.

– Probably there’ll be muzak during dinner, then soft rock during the dancing portion. You know Delilah, the inoffensive  syndicated host on radio stations that middle-aged ladies sometimes like? She’s the DJ.

– Cute idea: you could have “food deserts” where your less-affluent guests will have to go really, really far to get any of your more fresh and delicious dishes. But right at their tables you could give them some stuff with sodium and preservatives all up in it!

– A Paula Deen Modern American Wedding is not handicap-accessible.

Please note that all of these ideas can be performed as a bar mitzvah instead. However, that probably means that you’re Jewish, and Paula Deen WILL make a joke about that and levy antisemitic slurs at you.

Nancy Jo, This is Alexis Neiers Calling…

If this looks familiar to you, kudos for recognizing one of the greatest moments in pop culture history. Alexis Neiers was one of the stars of Pretty Wild, an E! reality TV series that ran for one season in 2010. After the pilot was filmed in 2009, Alexis was arrested in connection with the “Bling Ring” burglaries in Los Angeles, where a group of troubled teens broke into the homes of celebrities and stole up to $3 million worth of items.

And that, as you may know, has recently been turned into a movie aptly called The Bling Ring, which I actually paid money to see last weekend. To be honest, I only knew the basics of the Bling Ring burglaries, that they snuck into the homes of Paris Hilton, Orlando Bloom, Audrina Patridge, etc. But the movie gave a lot more insight into what these kids did at least based on accounts from a Vanity Fair article and the Pretty Wild show.

In fact, the writer of the Vanity Fair article (and consequent book) is Nancy Jo Sales, the woman Alexis is leaving a message for in the above gif. Titled The Suspects Wore Louboutins, director Sofia Coppola rewrote the article into a screenplay almost verbatim, and let me tell you – it’s scary.

These kids – kids – had no fear. No fear and pure stupidity. The way they broke into the celebs’ houses was by looking online to make sure they were out of town, and then found their addresses online. It really doesn’t take a genius to do that. But these teens broke into the houses, then went back multiple times, stealing more and more every time. Then they would wear the Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Herve Leger, Louboutins out in public, post pix on Facebook, and talk about stealing their stuff to people at parties. I don’t steal, but if I did, I would make damn sure there was absolutely no way it could be traced back to me.

The whole movie was fascinating, letting you into a world where these kids who thought they were indestructible let their obsession with pop culture reach the next level. I mean in the movie (and the article), the ringleader, Rachel Lee (named Rebecca Ahn in the film) is being questioned by the police in jail about breaking into Lindsay Lohan’s house. This was the excerpt from the VF article, which is pretty much exactly how it played out on screen:

“During the warrant service,” says the L.A.P.D. report, “Lee asked several officers if they would release her if she told them where ‘everything is.’”

“Hypothetically,” Lee allegedly said, “let’s say I might know where this property is located and who has it, how could that help me?”

“It is clear that Lee felt that she successfully removed all items of stolen property from the residence,” the report goes on. “However, when Lee saw” that cops had found a coat allegedly belonging to Lindsay Lohan and some topless pictures of Paris Hilton (stolen from Hilton’s unlocked safe) on the premises, “her mood instantly changed from being calm and collected to instantly becoming nearly hysterical, physically ill, and gagging as though she were about to vomit.

“Lee asked Detective [Leanne] Hoffman,” of the L.A.P.D., “if she had spoken to the victims. Hoffman replied that she had spoken to all of the victims. Lee became excited and asked, ‘What did Lindsay say?’”

Meanwhile, Alexis was enjoying her newfound ‘fame’ thanks to her E! reality show with her former Playboy playmate mom, best friend Tess, and her little sister Gabby. Listen guys, the entire series (aka one season) is on Netflix right now, and I highly suggest you watch it. Just for sociology purposes. As evidence by the show, these people actually exist. I mean after watching Pretty Wild, it’s hard to believe Alexis wasn’t arrested for something else sooner.

In fact, Alexis later revealed that she was completely high when she filmed the show, and was even living in a Best Western, panhandling for drugs, and was on a $10,000/week drug habit. HELLO?!  (In case you’re wondering, Alexis is now sober, married to some guy in his 40s, and gave birth to her first child in April. How’s your love life going?)

 

If I learned anything from Pretty Wild/The Bling Ring, it’s that if I even have kids and raise them here in LA, I will make sure they don’t become these teens, who took their fame obsession to an unhealthy place that landed them in jail (Here’s info on the real people if you want to know where they are now). But like history, it’s doomed to repeat itself, so for the sake of my hypothetical future children and yours, see this movie. Or read the article. Either way, educate yourself. It’s a scary world out there y’all.

Bitchy Resting Face & Beyond: Face-Off

Finally, the internet has found a way to address the problem plaguing thousands of American women. It affects your interpersonal relationships. It makes you self-conscious in public. It makes people think you HATE them.

I’m talking about bitchy resting face. But you don’t have to suffer in silence any more. Brave advocates Taylor Orci, Milana Vayntrub, and Emily Towers have brought this issue to the forefront. They also touch on the related male syndrome, Resting Asshole Face.

Of course, this is only part of the problem. There are all kinds of horrible expressions your face can default to. Just ask Jaden Smith, whose face goes from zero to “does someone have some ex-lax?” on  a dime.

Here are a few more. Awkward-faced Americans, we don’t have to be quiet any longer.

 Default smirk

DIY: Twist one side of mouth upwards, look like you’re sitting in silent judgment when that’s actually JUST WHAT YOUR FACE DOES SOMETIMES OKAY.

If people ask you “hey! what’s so funny!” Or “Ugh, what are YOU looking at!”., you might have a default smirk. A corner of your mouth turns up, like you’re pretty sure you’re a little better than everyone and are laughing at them on the inside. You’re not. Your face just does that.

McKayla, the patron saint of unfortunate resting faces, knows.

Quizzically neutral

DIY: Leaving mouth slightly agape, simultaneously rotate jaw, squint, and raise eyebrows. It’s like face gymnastics, and I’m Gabby Douglas. Or McKayla Maroney, because that girl knows how to serve unintentional face.

Whenever I’m walking through a grocery store, an employee will ask me “are you lost?” or “do you need some help finding something?”. This happens when I think I’m striding purposefully toward whatever it is I’m getting. That’s right, my face is quizzically neutral. If you look confused or lost, even though you’re calm, cool, and certain, then your face is quizzically neutral too. You look like a tourist who has a big map open and is standing in a part of New York she never meant to be in.

And it’s okay.

Constant concern

DIY: Think about whatever troubles you the most, then arrange your face accordingly. Then, do this when you’re just watching The Little Couple or making some zucchini bread. People will worry.

In college, I had this conversation with a roommate probably 5 times:

Her: Moll, what’s wrong?

Me: Nothing. I’m just watching tv.

Her: No, it’s okay. You can tell me what’s wrong. Are you okay?

Me, getting edgy: Yes, I’m fine!

Her: You seem kind of upset:

Me: I’m fine! This is just my tv face! But I’m upset now because you keep asking me if I’m okay!

Ladies and gents, there’s nothing that makes you sound less fine than emphatically insisting that you’re fine. But when you have a face of constant concern, it’s a very real problem.

In case your wondering, this roommate is a lovely, smart, fun girl who just happens to be more tuned into people’s faces than I am.

Smell The Fart Acting

To do: Imagine something smells really bad (furrow your brow, curl up your lips). Not for the faint of heart, this is truly the most unattractive default face you can make. Note that I resemble a monster.

I’ll let Joey Tribbiani/ Dr. Drake Ramoray field this one:

But some people do this, and they aren’t acting. I don’t know why but men default to this face most often, especially middle aged ones. Maybe they’re just smelling farts. Walk into any suburban Catholic church (one of the ones where the average age is in the 60s or so), and you’ll see this face — probably accompanied by a moustache.

Always amused face

DIY: Leaving your mouth closed, push your smile into your cheeks. Retain a slightly dead look behind the eyes. Wear this face during bureaucratic nightmares (applying for a passport, eg), to make people wonder what could POSSIBLY be so amusing.

While the default smirk makes you look like you’re judging people in your head, the always amused face has almost the opposite effect. It makes you look sort of empty-headed, like everything you see is a total hoot because you have a slow, simple mind. You don’t, of course. You actually might have always amused face if you’ve got a lot going on between your ears. You get a kick out of whatever you think up inside your head, but everyone else is looking at you like “girl, we’re waiting in line at the DMV, it’s not THAT funny.” If you’re on the lookout for an always amused face, I see it a lot on women in their 50s and up. This makes me hope that maybe when I’m older I’ll have some kind of a rich inner life or something.

At least my face wouldn’t look so damn bitchy all the time, that way.

A Stalker’s Guide to Dillon, Texas

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Howdy y’all! I recently went to Austin, Texas for a brief weekend getaway, for a few reasons. One: I always wanted to go to Austin, since I heard it was the most un-Texas Texas city in the state. During my road trip across the country in 2009, Austin was on the list of possible cities to go, but we due to time constraints (and the fact we wanted to not drive across desert for another 10 hours), we opted to skip Austin, and I’ve put the city on the top of my bucket list ever since. Two: I attended the ATX Television Festival, which is a new festival for TV fans and those who want to break into the industry, and it was full of screenings, panels, and reunions from fave shows. You may have heard about the Boy Meets World bonanza, and I also attended the American Dreams and Party of Five reunions, and sat in on Parenthood and Veronica Mars panels! Not to mention Friday Night Lights. Which brings me to reason three: Friday Night Lights. The show was set in the fictional town of Dillion, Texas, but was shot entirely in Austin. Ever since I marathoned (and obsessed over) the series in 2010, I made it my goal to go to Austin and find all the filming locations.

So, if you’re a superfan stalker like me, and find yourself in Austin, here’s a guide to Dillon by way of Austin.

The Taylor House

6805 De Paul Cove, Austin TX 78723

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The house were the greatest TV couple/parents lived. They should make this place a national landmark. PS: The Taylor, Riggins, and Alamo Freeze are all close to each other, so you can do it all in one fell swoop!

The Riggins House

2604 Lehigh Dr. Austin, TX 78723

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No sign of Riggs 😦

Alamo Freeze

5900 Manor Rd. Austin, TX 78723

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Fun fact: the Alamo Freeze is actually a Dairy Queen. So you can reenact Matt’s proposal to Julie and then grab an oreo blizzard.

Saracen House

3009 Kuhlman Ave. Austin, TX 78702

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Grandma Saracen and her tiara not included.

Del Valle Field

2404 Shapard Lane, Del Valle, TX

The FNL fieldhouse is still in tact and on a random street near the Austin airport. The only thing still up and running nearby are a few trailers – like trailer park trailers. But you could clearly see the football field and the stands, which is pretty cool. The area was actually used for two ‘sets’, with the Panthers on the left, and when East Dillion needed a field, they built the Lions homefield on the other side of the Panthers’ bleachers!

Here’s me and my friend Suz hanging with Riggins at the fieldhouse…

riggs and us

PS: I didn’t just come up with these locations, it’s easily found on the internet – including here!!!

And to round out my tour of FNL filming locations, the ATX Festival also had a couple of FNL events, including an outdoor screening of State (Season 1 finale) and a panel with the cast! The screening, which appropriately took place on Friday night, was great because a lot of the cast members were there to meet with fans and introduce the ep. I got to meet most of them, and I still can’t believe it happened!

AND THEN, the next morning was the FNL panel, where we were surprised by a couple guests:

COACH AND MRS. COACH, Y’ALL!!!!!! I think I may have started crying.Who knows. But you can always bet on me crying. I shared the same air as the greatest couple ever.

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Thanks for the great time, Austin/Dillon! See y’all next time!

The Kimye Pregnancy – A Retrospective

Over the past weeks, months, and — has it been years? — we’ve grown accustomed to the Kim Kardashian/ Kanye West pregnancy. It sort of seemed like it would always be here, you know? I mean it seemed like it would never END. But it’s over now, and maybe you’re starting to feel a little lost. Whose pregnancy couture will I judge now? Not Kate Middleton’s, because they’re putting her away until the baby comes. Whose baby names will I bet on? Again, not Kate Middleton’s, because there are like 10 acceptable Royal British Baby Names.

The only thing to do, then, is to look back at the fond memories. Grab a nice cup of tea, queue up some sentimental music (I suggest Bookends by Simon and Garfunkel), and remember the gestation that was.

Early December:

  • Kim Kardashian slams pregnancy rumors as “absolutely not true”.
  • Kim and Kanye are “just friends,” and she’s ostensibly involved with Gabriel Aubry.

Later December:

  • Kim Kardashian confirms pregnancy rumors as “absolutely true.”
  • The internet sees a spike in “I’mma let you finish” jokes — highest since 2009.

Winter-ish:

  • Kim and Kanye start to be sighted in public, looking like a couple who went to prom together because neither of them had dates yet.

Winter of my discontent:

  • Kim starts sporting “maternity fashions.” All of them are actually worse than the shirt my mom wore during all 4 of her pregnancies, a red number that read “I’m Not Fat, I’m Pregnant.” I want one of those, but only to wear when I’m looking a little fat, just to mess with people a bit.

The Longest Spring Ever:

  • Kim Kardashian keeps being pregnant. Forever. Never NOT pregnant. Also, Keeping Up With The Kardashians begins airing episodes that feature the pregnancy, because if there’s anything worse than going to the doctor, it’s going to the doctor with Kanye West’s fetus and Kim Kardashian.

May:

  • The invite to Kim’s baby shower is leaked (read: is released by Kris Kardashian). It looks like a prop from an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark. When you’re asleep, the tiny Kardashian ballerina escapes, dances into your ear, films your insides, and licenses the footage to E!.
  • Rumor has it that the music box plays “Mama,” a very sweet song by Kanye. Is that really the most apt Kanye tune though? I like picturing Kanye staring into the music box, shell-sh0cked, as it chirps “18 years, 18 years, she got one of your kids, got you for 18 years…”.

June:

  • Kanye West cheating stories begin to surface. Kim laughs them off, but I bet it’s that kind of laughing where you’re also a little sad. And also no sound is coming out. Plus there are tears in your eyes. And your nose starts running.

Crying. She was probably crying.

  • While we’re talking about the Kanye West of it all, Amber Rose is pregnant, too! You may be familiar with Amber Rose from her previous work, standing near Kanye West at industry events and being photographed at basketball games.

    That help? The father is Wiz Khalifa, who I just found out is younger than me. Ugh. Can’t stand people who are younger than me.

FINALLY:

    • The pregnancy comes to a close. Kim has a baby girl. Twitter explodes into a million pieces. They don’t release the name right away because they HATE US and don’t want us to be happy.
    • Despite this being the longest gestation ever, the baby was somehow actually born early, most likely to coincide with the release of Yeezy’s new album. It’s nice to have everything drop the same week, you know?
    • Rumor has it the baby is named Kaidence Donda. I for-real almost called Cadence but spelled weird as the name. Donda, I’ll give you, because that’s Kanye’s late mom’s name. But Kaidence though? I can’t wait to see her compete in Little Miss Southern Arkansas Glitz Supreme in 2017 or so, because that is straight-up Toddlers and Tiaras business. Who knows – Media Takeout is almost always wrong, anyway.

Wait, no. Nope. Just kidding. North West is the name. Suddenly, my parents’ naming philosophy (“let the 8-year-old decide”) isn’t so bad. It’s a better tactic than “things your great-uncle would find funny,” anyway.

Funny. Now the name Kaidence sounds almost classy and beautiful. Well done, Kardashian-Wests. I suppose.

I hope the retrospective hasn’t made you miss the Kardashian pregnancy too much already. Whenever it gets tough, just remember — we haven’t lost a celebrity pregnancy, we’ve gained a celebrity baby.

The NBA’s Fashion MVP

We’re smack dab in the middle of the NBA Finals right now, and I usually don’t care unless the Boston Celtics are a part of it, and I especially don’t care this year because I hate the Miami Heat. But one person I do care about, and you should too if you don’t already, is Craig Sager.

This is Craig Sager. He is a sidelines correspondent for TNT. For the non-sports watchers, he also served as a correspondent during the London Summer Olympics.

You’re thinking to yourself, but Traci, ‘What’s wrong with this guy? He’s totally normal.’ And I say to you, reader, ‘Nay. This photo is actually a rare occurrence that actually blew a lot of people’s minds because this guy never wears normal clothes.

Craig is known for his outlandish suits when he’s on the court interviewing the world’s best basketball players. So much so that multiple people have written articles about him, started blogs dedicated to his outfits, and even my boy, Kevin Garnett has even called him out on it. But the thing is, is that he’s not even annoying about it. He’s like your dad or grandpa that wears the crazy suits for fun and doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks. That’s why he’s the greatest, and probs the reason you should get into watching basketball.

Here are a few examples of the NBA’s most colorful character.

because, christmas

velour is always a nice option

his jacket is so bright it looks like someone adjusted the colors in photoshop

this was the boys’ option for the recital costume i had when i was 8 years old, dancing to a chubby checker song.

even craig is like, ‘why did i use my wife’s grandma’s tapestries from england for this coat?’

craig gettin’ a lil kinky with the ties…

i can’t even…

if you’re wondering why this looks familiar, it’s also the same color/pattern theme for the golden girls’ house in florida

craig goin for a three piece suit

going for an americana/barbershop quartet feel

And last, but certainly not least:

this is made out of turkey feathers. real turkey feathers. for a thanksgiving game.