If my Facebook feed is to believed, the world is probably about to end by flooding again. After all, what other reason is there for everyone to be paired up two-by-two? Okay, maybe we’re not in the midst of a Noah’s ark scenario, but still – I can’t go a day without seeing somebody’s wedding or engagement. Over 10 of my Facebook friends are expecting babies this summer. What’s a single lady to do?
Well, she’s to look on the bright side! You all may have locked down someone to care for you in your old age, but I have something just as precious – the ability to wear a bunch of really, really unattractive items without getting myself dumped.
Now, you may be reading this and saying “but Molly, my fiancé is my best friend and he loves me exactly how I am! I could dress like a bag lady and he’d still think I was the belle of the ball!” To you folks, I say this: I hope you’re right and that you have a love so beautiful and picturesque that it looks like a film adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel. Except with nobody getting a disease or going off to war, I mean. But also, can you PLEASE just let me have this ONE thing?
Like, I can wear these things:
Frownies are scraps of paper that you stick onto your face at night. Theoretically, after you tape your face down it can’t move as much, so you should wake up a little less wrinkly and a little more beautiful. This is a good thing to do if you don’t necessarily want to die alone, but aren’t getting any younger and don’t make, you know, Botox money. Let me tell you, nothing makes me feel more beautiful than waking up at 2 in the morning to find myself frantically clawing bits of calcified paper off of my face. If you don’t want to shell out cash for Frownies, you could probably make your own with construction paper, Elmer’s glue, and self-loathing. Frownies are a special privilege for ladies who are dying alone.
Curly-haired girls, this is the best thing ever and I only learned about it like 3 years ago. You know how you seriously cannot wash your hair every day or it looks like a ball of brillo? But you know how, after you sleep on your hair, it gets all frizzy and the curls all break up? PINEAPPLE, ladies. Just gather all of your hair up onto the tip-top of your head and secure it with a scrunchie. Yes, a mega-high ponytail and yes, a scrunchie. You’ll look like a curly Michelle Tanner. Your curls stay in place, don’t get stretched out like they would with a low ponytail, and you don’t get a ponytail bump like you would with an elastic. It’s a special hairdo that you can only wear if you’re in the middle of dying alone, because it’s kind of embarrassing. Note: when you have adult company, I suggest piling your hair straight above your head on your pillow so that you look like a troll doll, and just hoping that it goes unnoticed. It doesn’t work as well as the pineapple, especially if you move your head around, but it’s better than nothing and you won’t wake up with the dreaded brillo-head.
Even more unattractive than the pineapple, I present the sleep cap. It’s a satin bonnet that protects your ‘do, keeps your hair from getting puffy or tangled, and makes you look like a sassy colonial woman. If you are dying alone, you might as well look like a modern-day Felicity Merriman in your sleep. Sleep caps are really for single people because they’re so awkward that, in the course of a relationship, you have to broach the subject of it as delicately as you would confess that you have an STD. “So, I have something to tell you. And I don’t want you to look at me any different, or think of me any different. And if you want to slow things down after I tell you this, I’ll understand. The fact is… I wear a sleep cap.”
“Play Clothes” when you get home from work
Do you remember when you’d get home from elementary school and you’d have to change into your play clothes right away? Maybe that was only those of us who wore uniforms. Anyway, as an adult you can really do the same thing. You can change into your workout clothes, hit the gym, then never change out of them. Or, you can put on sweatpants or pajamas and nobody will judge you. If you’re going to die alone, you might as well do it in comfort.
Ladies, let’s face it. There’s no way in hell anything that is “boyfriend” fit looks like you borrowed it from a gentleman caller. Literally every pair of pants I own that could fall into the “boyfriend pant” category is actually a regular pair of pants that I bought a size big because I didn’t try them on, or got before accidentally losing 8 pounds or something. Let’s just call these what they really are, “comfortable clothing that I wear when I’m not trying because it’s cool if I die alone.” I don’t think I’m fooling anyone into thinking I stole my jeans from a 5’2 man with a butt.