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Pre-Show Fun with E!

T: If you caught any of the E! Pre-Show Pre-Show, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and George (Ksomething Greek sounding last name) made up Hashtags for the night. Kelly’s was #ohnoshedidnt & G’s was #NipSlip. So I mean…. probably no Emmy for E! on the red carpet next year… or ever.

M: Zooey Deschanel is dressed like she’s from the future but she usually dresses like she’s from the past and I’m SO CONFUSED right now. She’s like a really pretty Jetson cousin.

M: Zosia Mamet’s dress is sort of tie dye looking and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Outfit Critics didn’t like it. I actually find the fabric pretty but there’s a black bar over her boobs that either looks like a censor bar or a giant fake mustache. But on her boobs.

M: I was going to say I don’t like Heidi Klum’s dress color but then I imagined Heidi Klum turning to the camera, looking straight at me, raising a single eyebrow, and saying “oh really? Well I don’t like your sweatpants.” I got served by imaginary Heidi Klum.

M: So… we’re supposed to say Anna Gunn’s name with an accent? Is that what I just heard? Listen. I’m from the Great Lakes region. You’re lucky that I don’t say it like my voice box is stuffed into my nose. Let’s not get greedy, Ahhna.

T: Speaking of Anna Gunn and Breaking Bad, it is like freaking SOPHIE’S CHOICE tonight – Breaking Bad comes on at 9p, Emmys at 8p. Luckily for me, I can watch one right after the other, but that means avoiding Twitter starting at 6pm EST. #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMSYALL

M: Is that why I’m manning Twitter tonight? (Traci says ‘Yes. Absolutely. Every man for himself) BTW “manigram” is a really distracting segment name because it sounds exactly like they’re saying mammogram.

M: Tina Fey is wearing something flawless because she’s perfect.

T: Literally my first thought about Tina: *OWOOOOGA* like a cartoon character with eyes bulging out

M: Like Mad Men, Kiernan Shipka has now entered the late 60s (judging by her dress). And her awkward stage. JK. She’ll never have an awkward stage (I’m slowly crawling out of mine as we speak. I’m in my late 20s).

T: Jewel is at the Emmys, everyone. Don’t worry.

M: My standout memory of Jewel is during the Kids Choice Awards when we were still in the proper Kids Choice Awards demo (like 10 maybe?) all the kids were yelling like annoying brats and she made them quiet down before she sang. Like a stern but kind preschool teacher. Hope she does that at some point tonight.

Also – Christina Hendricks is here with 20s hair.

[Deleted block of text where I freaked out about someone’s awful purple dress then realized I was looking at E’s decorations and went to get my glasses]

M: You know what Michael Douglas? You ruined everything when you told us all how you got cancer.

T: Things we just learned from Michael Douglas: Fan of both Ryan Seacrest’s morning radio show as well as Big Bang Theory. Never would’ve guessed either.

M: Speaking of Big Bang Theory, Jim Parsons is here and he always seems like the human version of a cartoon cat to me. Never so much as when he’s wearing a bow tie.

M: Lena Dunham tweeted that her sister said that her dress looked like it came from a Delia’s catalog.

“It’s like the Delia’s catalogue made a red carpet dress!” – my sister giving me the truest compliment when I showed her my Emmy look #joy

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) September 20, 2013

Also, her hair looks like this one time in college when I went to a cheap place to get my hair cut to shoulder length, and the lady kept taking off hair to get it even, and when I got home it was super short AND the sides were about 3 inches different. I had to go back and get it cut to roughly Dunham’s length. I cried until my friends all told me that they didn’t feel sorry for me.

T: AMY POEHLER JUST SHOWED UP AND LITERALLY SAID OUTLOUD ‘AHHHHHH’

M: Amy declared that she is wearing “a good attitude” which is the exact thing we love about her. BTW I didn’t type the whole time she was up there, I just sat with my chin propped up in my hands like a child staring out the window at Santa.

T: Um Amy just interviewed Carrie Underwood as she came up to Seacrest and said, “And you’re… performing?? ….. What are you doing here?” THIS IS THE BEST PAIRING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WANT

M: “We’re going to talk about religion… politics… just really get into it.” What if there was a show where it was just Amy Poehler in social situations with very random celebrities? I’d DVR every ep.

T: Lena Dunham is aware she’s not attending a 1997 summer BBQ, right? And like the haircut is reminiscent of the one Allison Pill did on The Newsroom. Also, unlikely friends? Lena and Claire Danes.

M: I’m getting stress flashbacks from her haircut right now. Claire Danes is here with a faux bob that reminds me of a blonde version of the Brown Helmet referenced in Steel Magnolias. Lena Dunham seems like she’d be a great person to be friends with/meet at a party because she’s a really interested and engaged listener.

M: Don’t worry, Connie Britton is here to bring us some high-quality Beautiful Flawless Mermaid hair. Also “my jewelry is worth more than I am.” So, priceless??

M: Will Arnett is here. I can’t see him without shaking my head and thinking  “sir, you’ve made an awful mistake.”

T: What Molly said. I said, “RIP” when Will came on the screen. WHO WOULD EVER DIVORCE AMY I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Aaron Paul is gushing over his wife, who I think is gorge and great, but it’s like, shut up stop being so perfect and in love. #BitterBetty

M: I thought his mom was his wife at first so clearly, everyone in that whole family is just touched with gold.

M: Ryan Seacrest, Shut Up. Julie Bowen, I love you, but also shut up. (ICYMI they’re discussing Bowen starving to fit into her dress, and it’s not even so much that that’s not funny, it’s that they’re not being funny about it. There’s like an unspoken thing that if you’re dealing with offensive material you should at least be actually funny)

T: Also, Julie, you need a stylist. your dress looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting. The only time I’ve ever seen you look good was last year at the Emmys.

M: AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THOSE PAINTINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE, right people who took one semester of art history?

M: January Jones is here and I don’t care WHO says she’s cold and standoffish, I love when she acts like she can’t be bothered by any of this. You do you, Betty.

M: I missed everything Sofia Vergara just said except “Cover Girl,” which was crystal clear as all sponsored messages should be.

Sofia was asked something that makes her un-sexy. She said it’s that she sleeps with socks on. That is such a cop out, like when you’re on a job interview and asked for your biggest weakness and you say something like “I care too much.”

T: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like a disco ball. A fabulous, hilarious, gorgeous Monqiue Lhuillier-made disco ball.

M: Her skin is so beautiful that I sort of want to touch her face.

THE MAIN EVENT

T: GUYS I’M SO EXCITED IT’S LIKE MY SUPERBOWL.

M: It’s 8:05 and the Emmys are JUST STARTING because boys ruin everything. Thanks, football guys. (I know ladies watch football but I’m giving you all an out. This time).

T: “There are too many shows, there’s no time to finish.” – NPH

“Story of my life.” – Me

M: NPH is wearing a dark burgundy tuxedo jacket, a color that’s been forever ruined for me when I learned it was also called “oxblood.” Course he just referenced American Horror Story: Asylum, so clearly the same things don’t freak he and I out.

T: Jimmy Kimmel running on stage to interrupt NPH reminds me of the awksauce time Aubrey Plaza ran on stage during Will Ferrell’s MTV Movie Awards speech.

M: This whole segment is that exact same level of uncomfy. At least Jimmy Fallon is here, but I say that in the same sense that you’re always happy when one of your friends is at the same bad party as you.

T:  OMG KEVIN SPACEY.  If you haven’t watched House of Cards, this segment doesn’t make sense to you. But it’s so good.

“I come to Awards Shows for the twerking” – Tina

MY LOVE FOR THESE TWO KNOWS NO BOUNDS. AMY JUST ROLLED ONTO THE STAGE.

M: Came for the TV accolades, stayed for Amy Poehler’s extended twerking references. And Tina and Amy’s patented Jennifer Lawrence Graceful Falls.

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep

Traci’s Pick:  Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock

Since Rural Juror already lost in the Best Song category last week, it’s only fair that the singer herself get the accolade that she’s deserved for the past seven seasons.

Molly’s Pick: Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Always someone from Modern Family. Surprised Lily isn’t winning these things yet. (But I want to see Anna Chlumsky or Jane Krakowski take it home)

WINNER

Meritt Wever, Nurse Jackie

M: Meritt Wever went to the Fame High School. That is officially the only fact I know about her.

She got on stage, said “I gotta go, bye,” and did. I like the cut of your jib, Wever.

T: LL Cool J – photobombing your awards shows since the 1980s

M: LL Cool J always wears the non-tweed version of the hat my dad always wears, so hope you’re into looking like a suburban Irish lawyer!

Writing for a Comedy Series

Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock, 30 Rock

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes

Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

Greg Daniels, The Office

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

I don’t even watch Louie, but I feel like he’s got this one in the bag. My heart lies with The Office, though. Best series finale I’ve ever seen.

Molly’s Pick: Greg Daniels, The Office

Loved the 30 Rock Finale, but splitting the finale will probably split the votes, no?

WINNER

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

T: Fun fact: I had a great run-in with Tracey Wigfield during a Mindy Project WGA event (she writes for them now, slash sorry that was #SoLA). Basically we bonded over our names.

M: Fun fact: I live in Rochester. It’s cold and everything’s closed. Good story Traci!

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Ty Burrell, Modern Family

To me, Ty is the standout male actor on the show, so my vote’s on him. I have a soft spot in my heart for Jesse Tyler Ferguson, though. You know who should really with this? Bill Hader. No more Stefon you guys, NO MORE STEFON 😦

Molly’s Pick: Ed O’Neill, Modern Family

See Supporting Actress Comment, above. See also, Traci’s Stefon comment, above.

WINNER

Tony Hale, Veep

M: Robin Williams is about ¾ of the way through the long journey into turning into Jack Nicholson.

T: Wait… There should’ve been a cross-over 30 Rock/Mad Men ep where Jack Donaghy goes to Don Draper for advertising help

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Traci’s Pick:Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

If you don’t watch Veep, you’re doing it wrong. But I think it’s pretty clear that both of us would rather have Amy Poehler win this one. Always Amy Poehler. Always.

Molly’s Pick: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

The real award goes to Amy Poehler for whatever awesome bit she schedules this year (do you have .gifs of the other years? I don’t but I’ll look) Why yes, they just happen to be on my Tumblr… (T)

WINNER

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

M: Once again, Anna Chlumsky should be taking home an award for Best Supporting Actress In an Awards Show Comedy Bit, for her appearance in “casually glancing up from her cell phone”

T: Guys…. If that bit Julia Louis-Dreyfus just did went over your head, you need to watch Veep. Now. Or, like after the Emmys.

M: WILL ARNETT YOU’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

M: The voiceover just said “this is only the second time a woman has won for comedy directing,” but she put so much overemphasis on “a woman” that it sounded like she was saying “this is only the second time a woman has been born with XY chromosomes and also a penis and also was a dude.” Calm down, voiceover lady. It’s fine.

T: Observation: the writers of this year’s Emmys are on point.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis C.K., Louie
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

Louie is juuuust edgy enough to garner the support of the viewers this year, and even though Alec has already won this category twice before, I think he has a good shot at winning for nostalgia purposes too.

Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

What the shit is Episodes? I don’t feel like I’m very good at TV right now.

WINNER

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

T: I literally ‘UGHHed’ when Jim Parsons won. Sorry guys. Not a Big Bang Theory viewer.

M: I only don’t like it because I don’t think it’s very fun. Parsons is a very cute cartoon cat of a man and I loved Blossom on “Blossom.”

M: I think they’re going to do a tribute here. Let’s go over the ground rules, everyone. No clapping til it’s done. No unwrapping snacks. Try to look serious. Church rules, people. OK, the All In The Family Tribute was one of the most touching ones I’ve seen on an awards show in a good while. Kind of want to watch Jean Stapleton’s funny singing in the All In The Family theme song to rinse the sad out of my mouth.

T: I’ve only seen approx 15 minutes of Behind the Candelabra, but I still can’t believe Good Will Hunting and Gordon Gekko played lovers. Like, gay lovers.

M: Between Will Arnett and Michael Douglas, I haven’t seen this much spray tan since prom week at our high school in 2004 (when we were visiting as part of a little brothers/ little sisters thing, we’re not that old) (we’re so old)

Elton John’s piano piece best get a lot flashier, because it sounds like something I’d have played at my spring recital in 1995 (when I was a fetus I’m not that old)

T: “… I’m just gonna turn this down a little.” -Me, re: Elton John

“I mean you can probably just put it on mute, to be honest. Is there an episode of TV we could watch? – my music lover fan, Suzanne.

M: I’m clawing at my face in secondhand embarrassment like I haven’t done since Joey Potter sang On My Own at the Miss Windjammer Pageant. Go back to Baby Zachary Levon, Elton. He needs you more than us.

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum

I REFUSE to watch American Horror Story. I can barely watch the promos or look at the ads. Have you SEEN the one with the snake in the mouths? Anyways, Jessica Lange will probs win this, although Elisabeth Moss was really good in Top of the Lake. She was honestly the best this about it. Everything else sucked.

Molly’s Pick: Helen Mirren, Phil Spector

This is a list comprised entirely of Actresses Awards Committees Can’t Get Enough Of, so it’s anyone’s game really.

WINNER

Laura Linney, The Big C

M: I checked my work email during Elton John’s song because it was so boring, so then I had to go get some things to stress eat, so if I’m a little fatter tomorrow than today, it’s on you, Liberace.

T: This How I Met Your Mother bit is making me sad that it’s the last season all over again.

M: I know. When long running tv shows end it feels like leaving high school except unlike our high school the tv shows are actually made up of people that I like.

Writing for a Drama Series

George Mastras, Breaking Bad
Thomas Schnauz, Breaking Bad
Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey
David Benioff & D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones
Henry Bromell, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Henry Bromell, Homeland

This particular episode from Henry Bromell, Q&A, was by far the best episode of the season, maybe even the series to date. No brainer.

Molly’s Pick: David Benioff & DB. Weiss, Game Of Thrones

I’m going solely off of which episode made people on Twitter freak out the most. Not sure if People Who Freak Out On Twitter is the same market demo as People Who Are In The Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences.

WINNER
Henry Bromell, Homeland

T: I feel like it’s almost impossible to talk to Connie Britton and not mention Friday Night Lights. Example: this bit.

M: Other example: the reassuring, Principal Taylor-esque shoulder squeeze she just gave the widow of the last category’s winner.

M: If Connie Britton had watched the preshow, she’d know that it’s pronounced Ahhhna Gunn.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Because if Skyler’s gonna make it out of the ABQ alive, she might as well get an Emmy for it.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Anna Gunn plays someone’s wife on Breaking Bad. He makes drugs. Some people don’t like her but it’s only because they’re sexist (everything I know about Breaking Bad I learned from Tumblr. Starting it soon. Honest.)

WINNER
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

T: GOD BLESS AMERICA SKYLER WINS, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

This show is turning out to be a tearjerker. Not prepared.

M: Getting real emotional. About to go through a lot of snack mix and kale chips. So, screw you, Elton John.

T: I just … love NPH for being virtually the only host who can sing and dance and act flawlessly.

M: I just clasped my hands and raised my shoulders up to my ears like those creepy smitten triplets in Beauty And The Beast when Gaston walked by.

T: Waiit… Castle can sing. Also, I’m freaking out over all the SYTYCD alum dancing right now.

M: So, numbers are up for each of the performers in the last number and lines will be open for an hour after the show.

M: Evidently the teleprompter wasn’t working during Mindy Kaling and Stephen Ammell’s presentation. I sort of just thought that was the level of writing we were supposed to expect for this kind of thing.

Reality-Competition Program

Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
The Amazing Race
The Voice
Top Chef

Traci’s Pick: The Amazing Race

Ugh, even though I think The Amazing Race is a good show, it has won every.single.year since the category was introduced in 2003. Except in 2010 when Top Chef won. In all honesty, So You Think You Can Dance should win, but that’s a completely biased opinion.

Molly’s Pick: The Voice

I’m one of those old-school folks who doesn’t love this category. SYTYCD is the only one I watch on the regs anymore, but I’d be surprised.

WINNER

The Voice

T: EXCUSE ME? THE VOICE?

M: Sometimes Cee Lo has that cat, though. Seems fair.

T: Kerry! I love you so much. And I usually love alllll your fashion choices… but… On second viewing, it’s really not that bad and kind of pretty.

M: Like Connie Britton, I tend to attribute Kerry Washington’s character’s traits to her. Totally fair to assume she’s as smart and driven as Olivia Pope, right?

T: Why is Dihann Carroll so far away from Kerry right now?

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

I LOVE YOU AARON PAUL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. But after Mandy’s snub last year, I feel like the Academy will want to make up for its massive mistake in not nominating Inigo Montoya.

Molly’s Pick: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

But Maybe Bobby Cannavale as a super-dark horse. Sometimes I think Emmy voters are like that one neighbor you had in 1992 who always wanted to show off that he had HBO. Yes, Academy. We know you have HBO.

WINNER

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I honestly kept switching my vote from Heisenberg to Nick Brody, but Heisenberg won in the end… just like he will in the series finale????

Molly’s Pick: Damian Lewis, Homeland

Know what? I really don’t know about this one.

WINNER

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

M: Like I said, the Academy members are really proud that they upgraded to the HBO package with their cable service.

T: Jeff Daniels “I didn’t expect this.” Yeah neither did we.

What in the actual fuck is going on? None of these people were expected to win!!!! #SelfishBallotTalk

But really, I like Jeff Daniels and all, but over Mandy Patinkin and Aaron Paul?

M: Don Cheadle is now hosting a mini-segment called “Shit That’s Supposed To Make You Cry That Was On TV One Time In the 60s”

Also supposed to make you cry: Carrie Underwood singing ‘Yesterday.’ So THAT’s what she’s doing here.

M: It’s ok, Jimmy Fallon’s here, we can all stop crying now. Really, that wasn’t cool, Cheadle.

T: Literally started clapping when Jimmy came on the stage. This mic bit is way funnier than it should be.

M: I’m getting nervous about this category. Like, because I care who wins and because I care how they’re going to fill a whole other hour after this.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Claire Danes, Homeland
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Nashville
Kerry Washington, Scandal

Traci’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

I think my pick is half who ‘will’ win and half who ‘should’ win. Either way, I’m sticking with Kerry in the event this is the one upset of the night and she steals it away from Claire Danes. The whole African-American actress hubbub mixed with the fact that I recently binge-watched Scandal and now am obsessed with it is why I’m choosing Olivia Pope. #GoGladiators

Molly’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

Claire Danes is trying to wrestle back her Ugly Cry Showdown title, but I have to go with Olivia Pope. Love Scandal.

WINNER

Claire Danes, Homeland

M: And, with Claire Danes’ win, she yanks the title of Best Ugly Crier from Anne Hathaway. You had a good run, Annie. Now why don’t you cry about it (you’re really quite good at it).

T: I had so much anxiety during that category and Kerry didn’t even win. Gah. Also Claire Danes WTF is with your hair. Just, no.

M: Anyone else having a tough time dealing with Damian’s face right now?

M: Traci, you don’t watch Game of Thrones, right? I don’t have enough time to get as into it as people on twitter convince me I would be. I also feel like it’s for people who play games with really big multi-sided dice and secret names. *even though I know super normy people who watch it.

T: No, I do not, and will not watch Game of Thrones. I have too many shows. Also, I don’t watch programs with dragons or vampires.

M: Sometimes I think about watching it so I could understand more memes. Everything about me is embarrassing.

T: The group writers intros are always my favoriteand OHMYGOD OPRAH.

M: So, who on Jimmy Kimmel is sleeping with Oprah? (Don’t say Gayle or Stedman, we know neither of those are happening)

T: I mean, if he’s not sleeping with her, they’re at least BFFs (Example A, Example B).

M: Right now the Emmys are reminding me of that one older relative who, every time you see them, has to tell you about another person you know who died.

T: I cannot express how excited I am about this choreography dance number. SYTYCD alum galore! Also, I just really like it when dance is featured on a major show. (If you want to see these amazing choreographers’ nominated routines, watch them here!)

M: When NPH started singing “Luck Be A Lady” I thought “hey, this always reminds me of Mrs Doubtfire!” So, everything nice is wasted on me. Just feed me Taco Bell and give me a stack of Lifetime movies. It’s all I deserve.

M: So I think it’s time for me to watch Boardwalk Empire (ICYMI 1920s people 1920s-danced to a 1920s Get Lucky.)

T: I AM LEGITIMATELY CRYING RIGHT NOW GUYS. IT’S A PROBLEM.

I LOVE ALL THOSE DANCERS AND CHOREOGRAPHERS. AND TRAVIS AND ALLISON – WHO WERE CONTESTANTS IN SEASON TWO OF SYTYCD ARE NOW NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY?! AND THE FACT THAT CHOREOGRAPHY IS EVEN ON THE PRIMETIME SHOW I ACTUALLY CANNOT.

M: I almost cried too, but nothing came out because I used up all my tears during the JFK thing. I’m Irish Catholic.  The JFK funeral is like holding fresh cut onions under my eyes.

Sorry, did Mandy Moore just get introduced as Mandy Jo Moore? Not makin’ it better, Mand’.

Variety Series

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Traci’s Pick: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

It’s hard to pick anything else besides The Daily Show, because much like The Amazing Race, it’s dominated the competition since 2003. If anyone has a chance, it’s his buddy Stephen Colbert. A long shot would be my boy Jimmy Fallon, and I might have to Funkin’ Gonuts myself if he wins.

Molly’s Pick: The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report has been pretty on its game this year, but it would be nice to see Jimmy Fallon win since that show’s been having more fun than I’ve ever really seen a late night show have. However, this isn’t community rec U4-U6 soccer, so I guess you don’t get a trophy for “going out there and having fun.”

WINNER
The Colbert Report

T: *caps lock rant over* In other news, I am doing horribly with my ballot.

M: You could totally change your answers before you post it, but you wouldn’t do it. You’re the kind of person who would leave money at an unattended farm stand. (I’m the kind of person who lives near farm stands. Like I said, everything about me is embarrassing).

M: These spread-out tributes are really killing me. This is why you don’t do funerals in installments. Best to get it all over with at once.

T: Seriously, I’m crying again… Maybe I should seek psychiatric help…

M: Nah you’re good. My mom texted me during this that she was driving my nephew and he kept telling her “you really, really have to tell Aunt Molly that I love her” and I cried for like five minutes. OK, or maybe we’re just both messes.

T: “This just in: no one in America is winning their office Emmy pool.”- NPH Yes.

M: Yeah. I could win at this point just because everyone’s doing so poorly. The winner will probably be someone who doesn’t watch TV and just goes by whatever has the best name (read: my football pool strategy).
Anna Farris is wearing a Sleeping Beauty wig and a very nice yellow dress.

T: This lovely British woman winning for The Hour is just the absolute loveliest. Lovely.

M: She’s really, very lovely.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

See: Lead Actress in a Miniseries… but I mean he was great in Babe.

Molly’s Pick: Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra

I suppose.

WINNER
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

T: Kevin Spacey looked perturbed when he flicked that piece of paper into the lens. He should be used to speaking into cameras.

M: MORE DEAD PEOPLE. Jeeesus. What is this, the Hogwarts Portrait Gallery? No. Because at Hogwarts, people are better behaved than to clap at inappropriate times. Bunch of damn Slytherins here.

So, Behind the Candelabra is like… really happening right now, huh? I just can’t take anything seriously with Candelabra in the title. Also: more music from my 4th grade piano recital.

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias
Imelda Staunton, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum

Sarah Paulson is one of those people for me that I always remember them for that one thing they did that probably no one else does. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. RIP.

Molly’s Pick: Imelda Staunton, The Girl

I typed 3 different actresses before settling on Imelda Staunton. Never realized I cared so much about supporting actresses in miniseries.

WINNER
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals

M: Ellen Burstyn looks very… diaphanous tonight.

T: Ellen Burstyn: Forever the crazy lady in Requiem for a Dream.

M: 10:56 EST. How many awards to go? Put on the hustle, Emmys! You can do it!

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade’s End
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
Toby Jones, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

Michael Douglas playing a gay, rhinestone wearing, piano player who has sex with Matt Damon? Yeah, just give him the Emmy now.

Molly’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

I have nothing to add to Traci’s comment. That’s pretty much it.

WINNER

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

T: What is Michael Douglas actually saying right now.

M: He’s saying that Matt Damon’s a top, I think. That means what you think it does. Michael Douglas: making my stomach feel not great since he told us all how he got cancer. Also “My wife Catherine?” Didn’t they just get divorced?

T: I think they’re separated? Slash maybe he’s just trying to be nice about their split. What a great guy.

M: You know, I’m just a simple, old-fashioned girl who thinks that once you’ve gotten throat cancer from your spouse’s vag, you’re in it for life. (Sorry) (No I’m not. Michael Douglas should be sorry. AND CZJ I guess. Everyone who made it possible for me to know that fact)

Miniseries or Movie

American Horror Story: Asylum
Behind the Candelabra
Phil Spector
Political Animals
The Bible
Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra

Sorry everyone else, this is the year for the gays.

Molly’s Pick: Top Of The Lake

I think other people liked it more than I did.

WINNER

Behind the Candelabra

M: Claire Danes is doing awesome, but I’d just like to take this moment to point out that all of the best actress nominees this year were played by Tatiana Maslany. Amazing how you just forget that it’s the same actress. /#stillbitter

T: Will Ferrell… pretty sure these are his actual kids. Are they getting paid for this or straight up child labor?

M: Oh my God I think you’re right. I thought those Asian kids from the last award show were his real kids. But this is probably more correct.

Comedy Series

The Big Bang Theory
Girls
Louie
Modern Family
30 Rock
Veep

Traci’s Pick: Modern Family

Modern Family 3-peat. 30 Rock should win based on sentimentality alone. Blerg.

Molly’s Pick: Modern Family

I like Modern Family – really, I do. I’d just rather see 30 Rock win.

WINNER

Modern Family

T: “This may have been the saddest Emmys ever, but we could not be happier.” Steve Levitan, Modern Family EP, who has hit the Emmy nail on the head.

M: Yeah. The tone of the Emmys is supposed to be all “TV forever!” but this year it’s like “TV forever! Until you die. Everyone dies. Here’s some people who did this year, for instance. And JFK, which was a while ago,but you know, why not?”

Drama Series

House of Cards
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
Homeland
Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Basically, just give Breaking Bad ALL the awards while you can. ALL of them.

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

If not this year, then next. Source: tumblr.

WINNER

Breaking Bad

T: Finally Breaking Bad wins and all is right with the world.

M: Except this Emmy telecast. It just left me feeling kind of “off.” Speaking of which, now you can all go watch Breaking Bad! I don’t have any spoilers I’m just taking it that something crazy happened.

Thanks everyone for reading!! Check back tomorrow for our Best and Worst Dressed Lists!!! Go drown your sorrows in your Emmy ballots now…