Live Blog: Academy Awards 2014

Howdy friends! Welcome to our newly redesigned site! Take a look around, some things have changed, but the content has not! And to prove this, we’ll be live blogging Hollywood’s biggest night starting 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates. As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar, as well as our newly updated Facebook & Tumblr!).

In the meantime, enjoy this video of baby Ben Affleck and (a cummerbund-ed) Matt Damon accepting their first Oscar for Best Screenplay for one of the greatest movies of all time, Good Will Hunting. Look how far they’ve come…

Preshow

M: I just turned E!’s preshow on at 6:30. I’m wondering if I missed any really famous people. I did see either Kristen Chenowith or a very chipper child actress..

Chiwetel Ejiofor looks attractive in a suit; also has an attractive, well-dressed sister (a TV newswoman). Neither of these facts is surprising, but I’m delighted regardless.

Amy Adams apparently dressed “for herself” today, and it worked. Ummm… has anyone ever SEEN Amy Adams and Isla Fisher in the same place? Or Jessica Chastain, for that matter? The internet is all “whatever” about Amy Adams’ dress but I’m pretttty sure Amy Adams is all “whatever” about randos on the internet.

Idina Menzel: form-fitting Vera Wang, serious bling around her neck. A long way from Maureen Johnson performing Over The Moon in a cyber-cafe.

I think black dresses might be the thing tonight, because Olivia Wilde is wearing a gorgeous dark number, and somehow only looks pregnant from the side. Not to be outdone, Olivia Wide’s unborn baby is wearing Olivia Wilde.

LUPITA NYONG’O. Lupita Nyong’o is dressed as a flawlessly beautiful celestial ancient Greek sea-spirit-queen Cinderella. We’ll give more details as they become available, but suffice to say that she looks better than I could even imagine looking.

And although I cannot ever imagine looking like Lupita Nyong’o, I also have a bony chest – it looks like a damn xylophone – and I have SO much love for Lupita for rocking the plunging neckline that everybody tells you you can’t do.

So, the thing with Pharrell is that happiness would be my truth, too, if I were 40 years old but stopped physically aging at 20. He is wearing short-pants, like a small boy from yesteryear who hasn’t graduated to full pants yet. What I’m saying is that Pharrell is clearly  vampire from the past.

Anna Kendrick is wearing black with sheer cut-outs. I’m not explaining that very well. She’s one of the few people who can pull off looking smoldering and adorable at the same time. Smoldorable.

Speaking of smoldering and adorable all at once: June Squibb and Jared Leto. Leto is wearing a white suit and I’m not even mad. I mean I’ll voice my displeasure later, probably, but the man looks good.

I cannot get excited over Jessica Biel. I’m sorry.

Sarah Paulson is wearing Elie Saab – nude, high-necked, long-sleeved, beaded. And her hair is brown now! It looks great on her. She tells Ryan Seacrest that his eyes look super-green, and he says “colored contacts,” and y’all, I don’t think he’s joking.

Between all of these nude-netted dresses (looking at you, Blanchett) and the Winter Olympics, the company that makes that peachy flesh-colored material is having a real banner year.

EW says that Jennifer Lawrence fell again. If Jennifer Lawrence falls, and nobody’s there to report on it, did it even happen?

T: HI I’M SO IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING RIGHT NOW BUT OMG JENNIFER LAWRENCE FALLING ON THE RED CARPET I’M DYING.

M: Is she really clumsy or do they just put her in ill-fitting or bad shoe all the time? FIND A BETTER COBBLER, LAWRENCE!!

T: I mean I think she’s just super clumsy. She seems like the type who would be clumsy. She literally was waving to fans and not looking where she was going and I think she tripped on the girl’s dress in front of her? Like slow-motion whilst laughing and a police officer had to help her up. I cannot with you, Katniss.

M: How long until there’s a gif of this moment? My money’s on it being available before the show starts.

T: You know Tumblr is on that shit right now.

M: How does anyone interview Christopher Walken without screaming “WHAT HAPPENED TO NATALIE WOOD?” is beyond me, but hey, that’s why I make a better lawyer than journalist.

M: I just slid the headband off of my head with dejection and more than a little disgust. Technically it was because my temples were hurting, but really because I shouldn’t even try to wear a headband while Lupita is.

So, I switched to the ABC preshow a while ago because the folks at E! were making like college football coaches after the game, just drawing circles on footage and stuff. And ABC just spent about 5 minutes showing us these college kids who, I guess, won a thing. Novel idea: cut that out, start the show at 8EST, and let the actors finish their darn speeches without practically dragging them offstage by one of those oversized vaudeville canes.

Jamie Foxx and Jamie Foxx’s daughter are making the case for some people just having really, really good genes. As in, I’ll never love anything as the two of them must love genetics.

The good part about watching preshows on both networks is getting to see Jared Leto twice. I find myself less interested in who made his suit and more interested in who makes his deep conditioner.

M: Lupita Nyong’o helped design her dress. Of course. Why do I get the feeling that she’d be that girl in fifth grade who joined the dance class you’d been in since kindergarten, and she’d advance to the level above you within like 2 months. You know, sort of able to do everything without even having to try?

Bill Murray just said that things that make him laugh include David Letterman, ESPN, and his kids. So, evidently Bill Murray has the exact same sense of humor as your uncle who lives in DesMoines and sells a lot of insurance.

Will Smith has an earring now. Or maybe he always did, who knows. As my mom told my brother when he was in third grade and wanted to get one ear pierced, “getting an earring won’t make you cool. It just makes you a person who has an earring.”

T: JLAW TRIPGATE2K14 UPDATE:

M: Sandra Bullock is wearing midnight blue Alexander McQueen and looks gorgeous. See, sometimes the best look isn’t a dress with weird sequins all over it or like … that is also a swan costume, or whatever. Simple dress, simple sideswept curls, absolutely perfect. Nobody named Sandy has ever looked that good. No offense to ladies named Sandy but I think you all know this already.

I just saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt chatting with Gabourey Sidibe. Man,that would be  fun convo. While we’re on the topic of JGL, figure skater Jason Brown looks 100% like an alternate universe version of how Third Rock-era Gordon-Levitt could have grown up.

The Oscars have started!

M: Ellen is here, and she is dressed like a very sparkly version of a tiny Victorian boy. So, another vampire. Honestly, just take the classic Blue Boy painting and put him in black, and you have Ellen’s outfit.

Little Lord Fauntleroy starts with a weather joke, so let’s all grab a Snapple and some Chex mix and settle in for a nice night of Middle America.

Ellen declared Jared Leto “the prettiest,” and she’s right. She also riffs on Jennifer Lawrence falling, and Lawrence exacts the best possible revenge: taking the joke nicely while looking almost disturbingly beautiful.

You know how I was talking about genetics earlier? Exhibit: Lupita Nyong’o’s brother. Lupita Nyongo’s… single brother, perhaps? I’ll research it during one of the commercials.

T: RACISM JOKES. THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING WHEN ELLEN CAN GET AWAY WITH ANY JOKE BECAUSE SHE’S ELLEN.

M: YES. Because when Ellen makes a joke, it’s like your own mom or aunt making a joke. But without the added baggage of 20+ years of history and issues.

T: Is Anne Hathaway trying to get nominated for an Oscar for presenting? Just because this is the first time you’ve been on stage since your disaster with Franco doesn’t mean you have to be all dramatic.

idk wtf this is but okay

M: Yeah, she was really leaning into that one. I swear God if Jared Leto doesn’t win it’ll be the most he’s disappointed me since Jordan Catalano wrote that song Red about a car instead of Angela Chase.

T: Speaking of disasters, I’m crying already.

M: I was going to ask how your eyes were doing. It’s a little dusty in here all of a sudden. ICYMI, Jared Leto thanked his mom and his brother … but, like, beautifully, and then dedicatd his award to the dreamers of the world, before calling attention to the AIDS epidemic. They let him speak until he was done, rather than cutting him off, because even the guy in charge of the music cues probably has a RAGING crush on Jared Leto right now.

Best Supporting Actor:

Barkhad Abdi,  Captain Phillips  

Bradley Cooper,  American Hustle  

Michael Fassbender,  12 Years a Slave  

Jonah Hill,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club  

Molly’s pick: Jared Leto

Traci’s pick: Jared Leto fun fact: he’s the OLDEST person in this category. Because he’s 42 YEARS OLD. I REPEAT: JORDAN CATALANO IS 42 YEARS OLD.

Molly: It quite literally felt like somebody pushed the air out of my chest when I read that. Jordan Catalano can’t be 42. Tino can, I guess.

Winner: Jared Leto

T: I’m gonna say it: I do not get Jim Carrey. I don’t think he’s funny. At all. #Oscars

M: Yeah. Whenever he does one of his bits I’m like “oh, so you’re going to move your face all weird again? That’s it?” And yeah, that was actually it.

T: WERK, KERRY. I just am so in awe of her. Basically get me in a room with like, Kerry, Lupita and Poehler, and I might actually die. My life would end.

T: I think Pharrell’s performance of Happy is the first time a singer has told the Oscars audience to ‘get up outta their seats’. Or Did Three Six Mafia do that when they won their Oscar for IT’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp?

M: You know, you might be right – I had thought they directed the crowd to put their hands in the air, but I believe it WAS ‘get up outta your seat.’

Well, Pharrell, I’m sold. After that, I DO feel like happiness is the truth. To recap: Pharrell wore his patented track jacket and Canadian mountie hat, and danced with our fake BFFs Lupita, Jennifer and Amy, backed up by adorable dancing people.

Naomi Watts is presenting the costume design award, looking a million times more beautiful than whatever bride is wearing the same dress as her this weekend.

Best Costume Design:

American Hustle  

The Grandmaster  

The Great Gatsby  

The Invisible Woman  

12 Years a Slave  

Molly’s pick: American Hustle… or Great Gatsby… what the heck is The Grandmaster???

Traci’s pick: The Great Gatsby, mainly because i loved all the Baz Luhrman-esque visuals in the movie, and because the costume designer is Catherine Martin (Baz’s wife) two-time Oscar winner and all around talented woman.

Winner: The Great Gatsby

M: YAYYY! I thought the winner was more likely to be American Hustle, but I wanted it to be Gatsby. I have a serious thing for 20s fashion. If any of you get a chance and haven’t seen it yet, check out the making of features on the DVD for more info about all that went into the costuming, especially for the party scenes.

Harrison Ford, I’m telling you the same thing I told Will Smith about pierced ears. However, is it just me or does he get more and more attractive with time? I mean, Harrison Ford could be drooling in a wheelchair at age 107 and I’d probably be like yeah… I’d hit it.

T: “Ladies and gentleman of Dolby Theatre, please give a warm welcome to Channing Tatum” why a particular warm welcome to Channing, Oscars announcer?

T: Oh yes, there is already a GIF of Lupita & Meryl dancing with Pharrell.

M: You know how they say you should draw a smiley face on a piece of paper and looking at it makes you smile even if you feel crummy? If not, now you do. Well,that gif really has the same effect.

Best Animated Feature Film

The Croods  

Despicable Me 2  

Ernest & Celestine  

Frozen  

The Wind Rises  

Molly’s pick: Frozen

Traci’s pick: Frozen

Winner: Frozen

T: I’m not lying when I say I have listened to Love is an Open Door & For the First Time in Forever on repeat, in my car at full blast – SINGING at full blast – down Hollywood and Highland where the Oscars are right now. I HAVE NO SHAME. I’M 28 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO SHAME.

M: The Frozen soundtrack was somehow specially formulated to be THE perfect car singing experience. I think someone heard me singing in a parking lot a few days ago. Granted, it wasn’t Frozen, but it WAS Funky Cold Medina, so I am also shameless.

M: I missed the intro for this series of clips and now I’m grasping at what the common theme is. I was going to say movies about changes in America but then Bravehart came up. Is it “making a difference” or something?

T: WAIT GUYS. New OTP: JGL & EMWATS?? Uh if you’re not a ridiculous human being like me, I just said: ‘new favorite couple: Joseph Gordon Levitt and Emma Watson’. (Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks this) I’m gonna go relearn English.

M: Like the cursed eyes of an evil banshee, I feel like when JGL and EmWats are together I cannot look directly at them. To make them even more perfect, Emma speaks so beautifully with her RP accent that it sounds like she’s about to tell me to make a u-turn and take the next exit onto i-90.

T: They just played Good Morning, Baltimore when Zef walked on stage. What, no We’re All in This Together? Or Bet on It? Come onnnn Academy.

M: Karen O has positively not aged since the 90s. I forgot how much I loved this song in Her. Speaking of Her, it was the most oddly affecting film I’ve seen in a while. When Amy Adams said that line about how we’re only here briefly and so she wants to allow herself joy, I was like that’s it. I’m done.

M: Hey, short films. Come back when you’re regular-sized films. I don’t have time for this.

OH. Never mind. I’m an ass. The documentary about that woman who was the oldest Holocaust survivor and played the piano beautifully just won. I love her so much. She passed away last week and it’s sad she missed this but I’m sure she didn’t care too much about this award anyway.

OK, time to be a little less kind: Whoopi Goldberg what are you wearing? It looks like a white button-up with  black crop-top over it and a Duggar lady skirt.

Ellen just offered to buy pizza for the audience. The only women who raised their hands were pregnant.

In the span of about 5 seconds I saw John Stamos, Whoopi Goldberg and Calista Flockhart. Did we all time travel to 1997?

T: Uh does anyone else feel like the cameras are too close to the presenters? Pretty sure I saw up Bradley Cooper’s nose right now.

M: Oooh. Yes. This guy who just won – I could tell you more about his pores than I think his dermatologist could.

T: Oh goddddd. Darlene Love is singing as part of her speech. Didn’t someone else sing on stage recently?? Apparently Bill Murray loved it and stood up right away. Brad Pitt didn’t really want to stand up but he did against his will.

M: Best version of His Eye Is On The Sparrow? Still Lauryn Hill.

T: ^^ Co-sign.

T: Frank Underwood made an appearance at the Oscars and I legit stood up and clapped for Kevin Spacey. Okay, it’s also because I’ve been sitting down for too long, but I mean, the thought was there.

T: Ugh I still have residual Brad/Jen/Angelina animosity, but that was really cute when he kissed her after they showed her winning the Humanitarian award. I want so much to dislike you.

M: I remember a period in 2006 or so when my sister-in-law had a stack of US Weekly mags, and every single one had a split cover of Angelina and Jen, with one of them looking more or less menacing or unattractive based on what the story was about.

M: Brad Pitt clearly sprang for the BIG bottle of L.A. Looks before tonight’s show. As did most of U2, as it turns out.

M: A PSA to everybody over the age of 45: Just saying the word “selfie” or taking a selfie, isn’t a joke. Try harder. That massive group photo they took of half of Hollywood qualifies as trying hard enough.

T: I cannot. I CANNOT. Meryl just said, “OOOHH I’ve never tweeted before!” Retweeting that shit so much.

T: ALSO NEW NEW OTP: KBELL AND VINCE. Again for regular human beings: New favorite potential romance, Kristen Bell and Michael B. Jordan. Or I mean, Michael B. Jordan with me, really.

M: Unfortunately, Kristen Bell is already attached to Dax Shepard and Michael B. Jordan is already attached to me.

NOTE TO READERS: The above comments were written simultaneously. And while we’re the type of friends who never fight, we may have to come to blows over this one.

T: I’m not afraid to fight you, Dougherty. I am Unagi.

M: I’m fairly certain that if one of us will forfeit Vince and one of us will forfeit Riggins we can solve this amicably.

T: Fair enough. Fun with Friday Night Lights ‘romances that will never happen’

M: Goes without saying we couldn’t get through this without referencing FNL and Full House, so far. There will be more.

ICYMI: Gravity just won every technical type award there is because it’s  movie about outer space.

T: I’m about to vomit I’m so nervous. #COMEONLUPITA Also worth nothing: that’s her brother with her and you should watch her interview with Fallon about how excited he was about her Oscar nom.

M: My heart is all fluttery. And that video was the cutest.

Best Supporting Actress:

Sally Hawkins,  Blue Jasmine  

Jennifer Lawrence,  American Hustle  

Lupita Nyong’o,  12 Years a Slave  

Julia Roberts,  August: Osage County  

June Squibb,  Nebraska

Molly’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (is it even a question?)

Traci’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (I just love her so much, but I also love JLaw so much. However I feel like Lupita’s performance deserves the Oscar – and her speech is for sure going to make me cry.)

Winner: Lupita Nyong’o

M: Lupita will never get to the stage because everyone wants to hug her.

T: I mean Liza went in for a hug. LIZA FRIGGIN MINELLI.

Also, I’m crying. Like I have multiple tissues around my person. I’m just so in awe of her.

M: I always get cold chills when I’m emotional and right now my hands feel like ice. It’s just – obviously that was a perfect performance. But also, we don’t have anyone like her in Hollywood. It’s like she’s an Audrey Hepburn in a world full of Tori Spellings.

T: YES. Best metaphor of the night.

M: OH, thank heavens. The pizza is here. I would 100% be the person to eat 3 slices — and drop 2 of them on my lap. This is why I cant go to nice things.

T: Can Ellen tweet pix of celebs eating said pizza? I refuse to believe Meryl straight up ate that with her white dress. Like I’m hoping she put a napkin bib on.

M: I know, they should have handed out those ponchos you get at Niagara falls. Or those sort of demeaning lobster bibs, at least.

Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe just came out to a orchestral version of Cups. They didn’t get any jokes, but maybe that’s for the best because Awards Show category introductions are not really funny. But  I bet their backstage banter was hilarious.

T: Okay now that Pink is going all Judy on us, I’m thinking Bette Midler is going to do the In Memoriam. Take a shot if she does ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’. Actually swig the whole bottle because you’re gonna need it to get through the song. Although Lady Gaga is there too…Slow acoustic version of Poker Face?

M: My nightmare funeral (like, of myself) would be Wind Beneath My Wings, followed by that stupid song about Eagle’s wings, followed probably by like waking up in my coffin but being unable to move or speak. Mostly the Wind Beneath My Wings part.


^the ONLY acceptable version of Wind Beneath My Wings^

Just so you know, I have no intention of being okay when Shirley Temple comes on the screen.

All right. Pink’s song ended and she never flipped around on circus wires. I feel cheated.

T: Whoa hello fringe on Jennifer Garner.

M: Yeah, I suppose I have to wait until tomorrow for some commentator to tell me whether I like it. She clearly wore that frock in anticipation of Gatsby winning the award.

Gatsby just won for production design. I was really excited for Gatsby but it didn’t get awesome reviews, so I’m glad it won a few Oscars. But as I said on the blog this week,  the production design of Her was awesome, too.

T: Agreed. I really liked the movie. The Great Gatsby was one of my fave required reading books in high school, and I thought Baz did a really good jobwith it.

M: YES. I got really annoyed when people made it sound like if you enjoyed the Luhrmann version of Gasby, it was because you needed the story to be modernized and didn’t understand the book. Ugh whatever. I went on a huge Lost Generation reading binge a while back, and I’m still waiting for the film adaptation of This Side of Paradise.

[#Nerds]

A local commercial just featured a woman karaoke-singing the song Umbrella, but changing it to mozzarella. I hoped it was a parody of a bad local commercial, but it was real. This is my real life now.

T: In Memorium: Wait, so no one’s going to sing during this?

M: This is the score from a movie. I’m pretty sure. But which one? [Update: It was Somewhere In Time, which I love in an unashamed schmaltzy romantic way.] And what’s the point of Bette Midler, now?

[Bette Midler, in all her glory, enters and begins caterwauling that song from Beaches]

T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDDDDDD

M: STOPPPPPPPP.

T: I’M CRYING BECAUSE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT CAME TRUE *insert emoji with laughing/crying smiley face* Also props to Oscars producer for picking a really current song for this.

She just did wing motions. I expect a gif of this too. She’s giving so much drama. The gays are probably going insane rn. SHE IS WAVING GOODBYE. NO. Is anyone inthe audience actually crying? No. Because it felt too forced. Bye, gurl.

lit’rally got this gif from the Logo TV tumblr…

M: I don’t like this. I don’t LIKE it.

Screw this I want a giant screen of Shirley Temple and Bojangle dancing.

Next  year I want the outdated song choice to be “Everybody Hurts.” Just really sock everybody straight in their feelings.

T: Wait… did John Travolta just have a stroke? Did he say ‘EYE-dinah Mah-ZEEL’????

Uh, relatedly, Idina Menzel looks gorge. Maureen cleans up nicely.

Wait but i’m dying because everyone on twitter is writing different spellings of what they think they heard Mr. Scientology say. “Adelle Azeem’ ‘Adele Dazeem’ ‘Adele Dazi’ ‘Adilla Mizzine’ seriously crying laughing.

ALSO DID HE HAVE A STROKE THO? BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT NEWSCASTER WHO EVERYONE MADE FUN OF BECAUSE SHE SAID EVERYTHING WRONG AND IT TURNED OUT SHE ACTUALLY HAD A STROKE (oh she had a complex migraine)

M: Kind of disappointed she didn’t ask us to moo with her.

(Gorgeous, flawless singer, etc).

Adala Damzil? I believe we’re being what Xenu calls “suppressive persons.”

Best Original Score:

The Book Thief  

Gravity  

Her  

Philomena  

Saving Mr. Banks  

Molly’s pick: Her

Traci’s pick: Gravity

Winner: Gravity

Best Original Song:

Alone Yet Not Alone  (from  Alone Yet Not Alone )

Happy  (from  Despicable Me 2 )

Let It Go  (from  Frozen )

The Moon Song  (from  Her )

Ordinary Love  (from  Mandela: Long

Walk to Freedom )

Molly’s Pick: Let It Go

Traci’s Pick: Ordinary Love

Winner: Let It Go

T: Yooooo Robert Lopez just EGOT-ed!!!!! Like a guerrilla EGOT! I love it!

M: I LOVE these two. Wait.. those two have children with each other??

T: Haha yes! I originally thought they were siblings for some reason. Not the case.

M: I think I just assume that no straight man has skin that pretty until I get confirmation to the contrary.

Anyway, they’re cuties and I’m jealous of their kids. My parents’ version of making up songs inspired by me was inserting the name “Molly” in the place of words that rhyme with Molly. Or singing the songs they’d made up for my sister 8 years before because what’s the difference?

M: They couldn’t have done it without Udyll Nassim.

T: Now whenever I hear Penelope Cruz talk, I can’t help but think of Kate McKinnon’s impression of her in that fake Pantene commercial with Sofia Vergara on SNL.

Hey have you guys noticed that no one has been booted off the stage with music yet? I thought for sure they were going to do that with Jared earlier. Good choice, producers.

Best Adapted Screenplay:

Before Midnight  – Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke

Captain Phillips  – Billy Ray

Philomena  – Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope

12 Years a Slave  – John Ridley

The Wolf of Wall Street  – Terence Winter

Molly’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years A Slave

M: Every time Penelope Cruz says “screenplay” it sounds to me like she’ saying “screempling.”

T: Important: John Ridley used to be a writer on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Third Watch and Martin. ALSO he wrote Undercover Brother. Kids, you too can go on to win an Oscar if you have humble beginnings at a beloved 90s sitcom.

M: BEST trivia of the night re: Fresh Prince. That show was really well-written, though. Wonder what the writers of Hangin With Mr. Cooper are up to? Or Step By Step.

Best Original Screenplay:

American Hustle  – Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell

Blue Jasmine  – Woody Allen

Dallas Buyers Club  – Craig Borten &

Melisa Wallack

Her  – Spike Jonze

Nebraska  – Bob Nelson

Molly’s Pick: Her

Traci’s pick: American Hustle

Winner: Her

M: Spike Jonze never looks how I think he looks. (How I think he looks is Spike Lee).

T: Look at Lupita in her ‘Nairobi’ gown with her Oscar sitting on her lap. The best thing I’ve seen all day.

M: I just love her brother. I know we’ve said that but it bears repeating. I’m sort of lukewarm on Angelina Jolie, but it doesn’t get better than Sidney Poitier.

Best Director:

David O. Russell,  American Hustle  

Alfonso Cuaron,  Gravity  

Alexander Payne,  Nebraska  

Steve McQueen,  12 Years a Slave  

Martin Scorsese,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Molly’s Pick: David O. Russell

Traci’s Pick: Alfonso Cuaron

Winner: Alfonso Cuaron

T: Oh bless, Sidney P, but this is the Oscars. We’re already on a time crunch here.

Oh… hi Jonas Cuaron. HOLA SENOR. I could also listen to Alfonso speak all day. Molly can you translate what he said? I got ‘This is for you’ and ‘I love you’

M: Yes! So I understood everything (Look, I majored in Spanish and spent 5 months in Spain, it would be embarrassing if I didn’t) — yet I’ve already forgotten what he said.  That’s how long this show has gone on. I’ll find the video later and translate it for anyone who’s curious.

We all know Cuaron from Y Tu Mama Tambien, but one of my favorites is A Little Princess. I’m not even kidding. That film was gorgeous.

Best Actress:

Amy Adams,  American Hustle  

Cate Blanchett,  Blue Jasmine  

Sandra Bullock,  Gravity  

Judi Dench,  Philomena  

Meryl Streep,  August: Osage County  

Molly’s pick: Cate Blanchett

Traci’s pick: Cate Blanchett

Winner: Cate Blanchett

M: Did you see Blue Jasmine? I didn’t…

T: I saw Blue Jasmine – don’t. Cate Blanchett was lit’rally the best thing about the movie. There was no (good) plot. Also, I was worried for a second that Meryl was going to pull a surprise win. HashtagSuckIt.

M: Well, count me among those who didn’t know I loved Cate Blanchett, only to learn that I love Cate Blanchett. What a gem.

T: Unrelated: You know who’s the real winner of the Oscars? The pizza delivery guy from Big Mama’s and Papa’s Pizzeria who had no idea he was going to be giving pies to Hollywood A-listers tonight.

M: Was he real or an actor? I need to find this out. Update: According to TMZ, he was real, but got stiffed on a tip. Again, that’s from TMZ.

Jennifer Lawrence – first of all, stunning, flawless etc. Second, I think I can see the line of her tanning goggles.

Best Actor:

Christian Bale,  American Hustle  

Bruce Dern,  Nebraska  

Leonardo DiCaprio,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Chiwetel Ejiofor,  12 Years a Slave  

Matthew McConaughey,  Dallas Buyers Club 

Molly’s pick: Matthew McConaughey

Traci’s pick: Ugh. I love you Leo, but Alright Alright Alright it’s McConaughey’s night.

Winner: Matthew McConaughey.

M: Also spending some time at the tanning booth lately: McConaughey.

Did anyone else notice that McConaughey started speaking with a Southern preacher’s cadence when he started talking about God?

T: GUYS – UPDATE: “Adele Dazeem” has its own Twitter account. INTERNET.

M: Awesome, so does Lupita’s headband.

T: Oh we’re back at the Church of McConaughey. He did this at the SAGs too. Did anyone else notice Camila Alves just kissed her mother-in-law’s hand and it was the most precious. I approve of this couple and this family. Another thing of note: JLaw making friends with the girl who accompanies the celebs on stage?

M: I was looking at that girl trying to figure out if I knew who she was!

M: Pastor Matt, my alarm goes off in five and a half hours.

Best Picture:

American Hustle  

Captain Phillips  

Dallas Buyers Club  

Gravity  

Her  

Nebraska  

Philomena  

12 Years a Slave  

The Wolf of Wall Street  

Molly’s Pick: 12 Years A Slave

Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years A Slave

T: There was literally a timpani drum roll before Will said the winner. WAIT JOHN RIDLEY – WILL SMITH – FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR Y’ALL

But really, I’m so happy that 12 Years a Slave won.

M: Me too! Good work, Academy. There were a lot of great nominees this year, but 12 Years A Slave deserved it the most. Also how cute was that cast on stage?

T: Yes! The jumping up and down! They are sooo gonna rage tonight.

M: Cannot wait to see pictures from the parties.

OK, everyone, that’s it! It’s been a great … what is it now? 5 hours? Yeah. Good night, everyone!

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The Worst: Grammys Fashion Through the Years

Awards season continues this Sunday with the 56th annual Grammys, a brief distraction from the weekly January fete of movies and television. Like the grown-up version of the MTV VMAs, the Grammys are where the rules of the red carpet are thrown out the window. It’s a show for rockers, rappers, pop stars and singers who are artists and basically wear whatever the hell they want.

Over the years, there have a been quite a few stunning (I mean that in the way that ‘Oh my GOD I am stunned by the egg contraption Lady Gaga is arriving in’, not ‘Beyonce looks stunning in that gold gown’) outfits on the red carpet, and here are just a few to get you prepared for Sunday.

Annie Lennox (1984)

I’m gonna let you take a second and figure out which one is Annie Lennox. Okay good. Now remember when Lady Gaga became Jo Calderone? Yeah, Annie did it first.

Shirley Manson in Garbage – literally (1999)

There’s no better way to promote your own band than by sticking it to the front of your see through dress.

Jennifer Lopez in Versace (2000)

Ah, the infamous green Versace dress. I think this will go down as one of the most recognizable gowns in all of Grammys history. I remember when this happened and everyone making a reallly big deal out of it. 14 years later, it’s funny because I think people would still make a big deal out of it, despite all the Mileys and Lady Gagas of the world.

Christina Aguilera in Versace (2000)

The only thing that could make this more 2000/millennial is if Xtina was wearing butterfly clips in her hair to match the jeweled butterflies on her dress.

Missy Elliot in Versace (2000)

Supa Dupa Fly – and sharp.

Toni Braxton in Richard Tyler (2001)

Lawddd Toni, I know it’s LA but seriously wouldn’t you be cold in this dress? And by dress I mean piece of fabric cut like one of those paper snowflakes you make in elementary school.

Christina Aguilera in Trish Summerville (2001)

The 90s/00s weren’t the best for fashion and Christina wasn’t exempt from the horrors. I don’t know what to be more offended by – the dress that looks like pink fur or the cornrows.

Lil Kim in Chanel (2002)

Beep beep – who’s got the keys to my Chanel jeep? I think Lil Kim was hanging out with Sisqo a little too much.

Sheryl Crow in Henry Duarte (2002)

Honestly, who knew there was a period in Sheryl Crow’s life when she dressed like this? There is literally nothing she is wearing that is redeeming.

Alicia Keys in Christian Dior (2002)

I mean… it’s a nice… teal color?

Mary J Blige in Gucci (2004)

Mary J – you’re better than this. You’re better than a knock off version of Big Bird.

Imogen Heap in items picked from the earth (2007)

Imogen Heap OF TRASH, more like.

OkGo in tapestries (2007)

Two years after this abomination on the red carpet, OkGo went on to make this Grammy winning and viral video for Here It Goes Again, and that’s how most people were first introduced to them. Good thing their faces were covered at these Grammys because holy hell what in the actual fuck is this shit?

M.I.A. in House of Holland (2009)

*All I wanna do is BANG BANG BANG BANG and KACHINNGG dress you in something more appropriate for a woman who is about to pop out a human baby*

Nicki Minaj in Givenchy (2011)

Look, obviously Nicki Minaj has never been one to blend in with the crowd, but this is taking it too far. Even Elvira was probs like, ‘No, honey. No.’

Katy Perry in Armani Prive (2011)

I want to know what Katy’s (and her stylist’s) thought process was when picking this dress. Like, ‘Oh, I know what would make this BEYOND. ANGEL WINGS. YASS.’

Lady Gaga in Egg (2011)

Ok, we’re bouts to get personal for a second. In 2010 and 2011, I was lucky enough to be in the bleachers at the end of the red carpet at the Grammys. Both times, it was a complete blur, because every single artist that walked the red carpet was mere feet in front of me and I can’t even begin to list everyone I saw. From Beyonce to Rihanna to Miley, it was a veritable who’s who of the music business. In saying that, I was also there for this magic moment when Lady Gaga arrive in an egg.

There were rumblings trickling down the carpet, because obviously if Lady Gaga is coming to an event, you’re wondering what ridiculous getup she’s going to wear. This time around, it wasn’t what she was wearing that was buzzing about but what she was literally in that made people’s heads turn. IRL, it was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, because the egg was actually kind of see through and you could vaguely tell she was in there incubating. Not that weird for Gaga, but weird for everyone else.

That being said, in doing research for this post, I found a picture of me being SUPER excited to be inches away from Gaga because she was waving to us (especially the gay little monster next to me). I am crying laughing at this picture.

Photo Feb 13, 1 50 29 PM

Fergie in Jean Paul Gaultier (2012)

This dress is almostttt there. Almost. Except for the whole see through thing.

Nicki Minaj in Versace (2012)

This guy plays Santa during the holidays at the Glendale Galleria and needed the extra cash to play the pope*.

*Not true. But he’s wondering what he got himself into with this one.

Emmy Awards 2013: Best & Worst Dressed

Well folks, it’s the day after the 65th Annual Emmys (did you check out our live blog?), and if you’re anything like us, you’re still bitter about the (failed) results of your Emmy ballots.

One thing that we can’t lose at are our Best & Worst Dressed list, so here are our picks from last night’s ceremony with TV’s biggest stars.

Molly’s Picks:

Best Dressed

Tina Fey in Narciso Rodriguez

The dress so nice, we’re listing it twice. While we’re trying to keep repeats on our best/ worst dressed lists to a minimum, I’d be a fool not to include this on my best dressed list. Not only is Tina Fey smarter than almost everyone on this red carpet, and funnier than almost everyone on this red carpet, she’s also more stylish and prettier.

Kerry Washington in Marchesa

I had to sleep on this one – and so, apparently, did Kerry Washington, judging by the dress’s kind of rumply texture. I was on the fence about the dress last night, but the more I see it, the more I love it. Would’ve been a great dress to win in. Next year, Gladiators.

Kate Mara in J Mendel

This might show up on a few worst dressed lists, and I think maybe another year it could’ve ended up on mine. I think it’s just the overall styling that’s working for me – the dress with the simple hair and smoky makeup.

Elisabeth Moss in Dolce & Gabbana

I was really feeling these 2 trends that kept appearing: the separate or faux-separate skirt and bodice, and the black and white color blocking. Since Traci already covered my favorite black and white dress (read on to see who!), it only seemed fair to give space to my second-fav.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Monique Lhuillier

Last night, Traci said that this looked like a beautiful disco ball and I said that I wanted to touch JLD’s face because her skin is so pretty. I stand by both of those comments.

Honorable Mention: Claire Danes in Armani Prive

When I was writing my best dressed picks before work, I included this one. Post coffee, I cannot remember why. I’m keeping this on the list for my sleepy-eyed, 6am self who for whatever reason thought this was pretty. That 6am girl is also the person who dressed me today. She didn’t do so great.

Worst Dressed

Lena Dunham in Delia’s Prada

When Lena Dunham tweeted that her dress looked like it was designed by Delia’s earlier this week, I had high hopes for butterfly clips and butterfly print. But the thing that’s really Delia’s-esque about this is that Lena’s eyeshadow is matched to her dress. After 9th grade Lena -or someone around her – should know better.

Mayin Bialik in Oliver Tolentino Couture

Everyone else liked this, and I did until you got to the tinselly belt and cuffs. That made everything look kind of costumey to me, like she’d be playing The Giving Tree in a really nice Montessori school or Blanche Dubois in a less-nice Montessori school.

Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham

Remember in 2002, when girls used to walk around with visible thongs over their low-rise 501s, and you would think “what could be less hot than this?” This dress answers that question with “well, visible granny panties, of course.”

Zosia Mamet in Honor

I like everything about this until the giant faux mustache over her boobs.

Lily Rabe

Annie taught us that you’re never fully dressed without a smile. But you’re also never fully dressed without that other half of your dress. Besides, nobody was smiling last night. That was the most sorrowful, grim Emmy Awards I ever did see and that’s counting the time they postponed it because of 9/11.

Traci’s Picks

Best Dressed

Taylor Schilling in Thakoon

Daaannnnggg Chapman. You clean up well! Taylor was there for nothing but publicity and eye candy, but she sure made her mark on the red carpet. Simple, sexy, elegant – that’s how you do an awards show, folks.

Michelle Dockery in Prada

Lady Mary sure knows how to hit a home run on the red carpet. Or like, whatever the equivalent to a home run is in cricket. She always knows what styles and colors look great on her, and this is no different. Of course I LOVE color blocking, so maybe that’s why I adore her dress so much.

Tina Fey in Narciso Rodriguez

Listen. As much as I love Tina Fey. The first thing you think of her is that she’s funny. Not a fashionista. So while she has made some questionable fashion decisions in the past, she looks absolutely stunning in this bold blue dress. Suck on that, nerds.

Kaley Cuoco in Vera Wang

For me, Kaley Cuoco is usually a hit or miss for me at awards shows. But this Vera Wang dress is to die. It’s the perfect mix of sexy and classy, just like Taylor Schilling’s dress. And while a lot of ladies were going with white and black or pastels, she decided to go the other route with the fantastic burgundy.

Anna Gunn in Ramona Keveza

You know when someone who is nominated/expected to win first appears on the red carpet and they come out wearing a dress and you just KNOW they’re going to win in? Yeah, this is it. Julia Roberts. Jennifer Lawrence. Anna Gunn.

Honorable Mention: Kiernan Shipka in Delpozo

Guys, I can’t get over how much older and mature little Sally Draper looks! I’m obsessed with the style direction she’s going in as she enters her teens. She knows exactly what is age appropriate, but also always picks something that will stand out in a crowd of grown-ups. And if you ever watch her in interviews, she is the smartest 13 year old ever. More like 13 going on 30, amirite ladies/Jennifer Garner?

Worst Dressed

Melissa Leo

I just… did she think she was going to either a circus or not be on stage at all? Because she was on stage. And not at a circus.

Paula Abdul

Honestly… just when you thought she couldn’t get any crazier. Just like Melissa Leo, I tried researching the designers for each dress, but to no avail. Maybe they didn’t want the negative publicity.

Heidi Klum in Versace

Um, I’m pretty sure Heidi Klum is being attacked by her own sequined gown. Should someone help her?

Lena Dunham in Prada

Oh Lena. In all honesty, this still isn’t as bad as the poop brown Zac Posen gown she wore at the Golden Globes. But like she/I said in the live blog yesterday, this looks like a dress she would wear to a summer BBQ in 1994, courtesy of the Delia’s catalog – evening gown edition.

Julianne Hough in Jenny Packham

Jules. You’re a gorgeous girl who actually get her style choices right most of the time. Not so much now. When they showed her in the audience when Derek won, you could only see the waist up, and she didn’t look that bad. And then I saw this picture. I know you’re a dancer and all, but no need to bring your leotard to the Emmys. THE EMMYS. This is a black tie event, ma’am. Not the VMAs.

Live Blog: Emmy Awards 2013

Happy Emmys Day!! Thanks for joining us on television’s biggest day of the year. Since we are too cheap to upgrade to the type of server that allows auto-refreshing when it comes to liveblogging, please refresh this page every 5 to 10 minutes for our live updates! Also, feel free to join us on Twitter as we join the convo there too!!

Pre-Show Fun with E!

T: If you caught any of the E! Pre-Show Pre-Show, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and George (Ksomething Greek sounding last name) made up Hashtags for the night. Kelly’s was #ohnoshedidnt & G’s was #NipSlip. So I mean…. probably no Emmy for E! on the red carpet next year… or ever.

M: Zooey Deschanel is dressed like she’s from the future but she usually dresses like she’s from the past and I’m SO CONFUSED right now. She’s like a really pretty Jetson cousin.

M: Zosia Mamet’s dress is sort of tie dye looking and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Outfit Critics didn’t like it. I actually find the fabric pretty but there’s a black bar over her boobs that either looks like a censor bar or a giant fake mustache. But on her boobs.

M: I was going to say I don’t like Heidi Klum’s dress color but then I imagined Heidi Klum turning to the camera, looking straight at me, raising a single eyebrow, and saying “oh really? Well I don’t like your sweatpants.” I got served by imaginary Heidi Klum.

M: So… we’re supposed to say Anna Gunn’s name with an accent? Is that what I just heard? Listen. I’m from the Great Lakes region. You’re lucky that I don’t say it like my voice box is stuffed into my nose. Let’s not get greedy, Ahhna.

T: Speaking of Anna Gunn and Breaking Bad, it is like freaking SOPHIE’S CHOICE tonight – Breaking Bad comes on at 9p, Emmys at 8p. Luckily for me, I can watch one right after the other, but that means avoiding Twitter starting at 6pm EST. #FIRSTWORLDPROBLEMSYALL

M: Is that why I’m manning Twitter tonight? (Traci says ‘Yes. Absolutely. Every man for himself) BTW “manigram” is a really distracting segment name because it sounds exactly like they’re saying mammogram.

M: Tina Fey is wearing something flawless because she’s perfect.

T: Literally my first thought about Tina: *OWOOOOGA* like a cartoon character with eyes bulging out

M: Like Mad Men, Kiernan Shipka has now entered the late 60s (judging by her dress). And her awkward stage. JK. She’ll never have an awkward stage (I’m slowly crawling out of mine as we speak. I’m in my late 20s).

T: Jewel is at the Emmys, everyone. Don’t worry.

M: My standout memory of Jewel is during the Kids Choice Awards when we were still in the proper Kids Choice Awards demo (like 10 maybe?) all the kids were yelling like annoying brats and she made them quiet down before she sang. Like a stern but kind preschool teacher. Hope she does that at some point tonight.

Also – Christina Hendricks is here with 20s hair.

[Deleted block of text where I freaked out about someone’s awful purple dress then realized I was looking at E’s decorations and went to get my glasses]

M: You know what Michael Douglas? You ruined everything when you told us all how you got cancer.

T: Things we just learned from Michael Douglas: Fan of both Ryan Seacrest’s morning radio show as well as Big Bang Theory. Never would’ve guessed either.

M: Speaking of Big Bang Theory, Jim Parsons is here and he always seems like the human version of a cartoon cat to me. Never so much as when he’s wearing a bow tie.

M: Lena Dunham tweeted that her sister said that her dress looked like it came from a Delia’s catalog.

“It’s like the Delia’s catalogue made a red carpet dress!” – my sister giving me the truest compliment when I showed her my Emmy look #joy

— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) September 20, 2013

Also, her hair looks like this one time in college when I went to a cheap place to get my hair cut to shoulder length, and the lady kept taking off hair to get it even, and when I got home it was super short AND the sides were about 3 inches different. I had to go back and get it cut to roughly Dunham’s length. I cried until my friends all told me that they didn’t feel sorry for me.

T: AMY POEHLER JUST SHOWED UP AND LITERALLY SAID OUTLOUD ‘AHHHHHH’

M: Amy declared that she is wearing “a good attitude” which is the exact thing we love about her. BTW I didn’t type the whole time she was up there, I just sat with my chin propped up in my hands like a child staring out the window at Santa.

T: Um Amy just interviewed Carrie Underwood as she came up to Seacrest and said, “And you’re… performing?? ….. What are you doing here?” THIS IS THE BEST PAIRING THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I’D WANT

M: “We’re going to talk about religion… politics… just really get into it.” What if there was a show where it was just Amy Poehler in social situations with very random celebrities? I’d DVR every ep.

T: Lena Dunham is aware she’s not attending a 1997 summer BBQ, right? And like the haircut is reminiscent of the one Allison Pill did on The Newsroom. Also, unlikely friends? Lena and Claire Danes.

M: I’m getting stress flashbacks from her haircut right now. Claire Danes is here with a faux bob that reminds me of a blonde version of the Brown Helmet referenced in Steel Magnolias. Lena Dunham seems like she’d be a great person to be friends with/meet at a party because she’s a really interested and engaged listener.

M: Don’t worry, Connie Britton is here to bring us some high-quality Beautiful Flawless Mermaid hair. Also “my jewelry is worth more than I am.” So, priceless??

M: Will Arnett is here. I can’t see him without shaking my head and thinking  “sir, you’ve made an awful mistake.”

T: What Molly said. I said, “RIP” when Will came on the screen. WHO WOULD EVER DIVORCE AMY I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Aaron Paul is gushing over his wife, who I think is gorge and great, but it’s like, shut up stop being so perfect and in love. #BitterBetty

M: I thought his mom was his wife at first so clearly, everyone in that whole family is just touched with gold.

M: Ryan Seacrest, Shut Up. Julie Bowen, I love you, but also shut up. (ICYMI they’re discussing Bowen starving to fit into her dress, and it’s not even so much that that’s not funny, it’s that they’re not being funny about it. There’s like an unspoken thing that if you’re dealing with offensive material you should at least be actually funny)

T: Also, Julie, you need a stylist. your dress looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting. The only time I’ve ever seen you look good was last year at the Emmys.

M: AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THOSE PAINTINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE, right people who took one semester of art history?

M: January Jones is here and I don’t care WHO says she’s cold and standoffish, I love when she acts like she can’t be bothered by any of this. You do you, Betty.

M: I missed everything Sofia Vergara just said except “Cover Girl,” which was crystal clear as all sponsored messages should be.

Sofia was asked something that makes her un-sexy. She said it’s that she sleeps with socks on. That is such a cop out, like when you’re on a job interview and asked for your biggest weakness and you say something like “I care too much.”

T: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks like a disco ball. A fabulous, hilarious, gorgeous Monqiue Lhuillier-made disco ball.

M: Her skin is so beautiful that I sort of want to touch her face.

THE MAIN EVENT

T: GUYS I’M SO EXCITED IT’S LIKE MY SUPERBOWL.

M: It’s 8:05 and the Emmys are JUST STARTING because boys ruin everything. Thanks, football guys. (I know ladies watch football but I’m giving you all an out. This time).

T: “There are too many shows, there’s no time to finish.” – NPH

“Story of my life.” – Me

M: NPH is wearing a dark burgundy tuxedo jacket, a color that’s been forever ruined for me when I learned it was also called “oxblood.” Course he just referenced American Horror Story: Asylum, so clearly the same things don’t freak he and I out.

T: Jimmy Kimmel running on stage to interrupt NPH reminds me of the awksauce time Aubrey Plaza ran on stage during Will Ferrell’s MTV Movie Awards speech.

M: This whole segment is that exact same level of uncomfy. At least Jimmy Fallon is here, but I say that in the same sense that you’re always happy when one of your friends is at the same bad party as you.

T:  OMG KEVIN SPACEY.  If you haven’t watched House of Cards, this segment doesn’t make sense to you. But it’s so good.

photo 1

“I come to Awards Shows for the twerking” – Tina

MY LOVE FOR THESE TWO KNOWS NO BOUNDS. AMY JUST ROLLED ONTO THE STAGE.

M: Came for the TV accolades, stayed for Amy Poehler’s extended twerking references. And Tina and Amy’s patented Jennifer Lawrence Graceful Falls.

photo 2

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep

Traci’s Pick:  Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock

Since Rural Juror already lost in the Best Song category last week, it’s only fair that the singer herself get the accolade that she’s deserved for the past seven seasons.

Molly’s Pick: Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Always someone from Modern Family. Surprised Lily isn’t winning these things yet. (But I want to see Anna Chlumsky or Jane Krakowski take it home)

WINNER

Meritt Wever, Nurse Jackie

M: Meritt Wever went to the Fame High School. That is officially the only fact I know about her.

She got on stage, said “I gotta go, bye,” and did. I like the cut of your jib, Wever.

T: LL Cool J – photobombing your awards shows since the 1980s

M: LL Cool J always wears the non-tweed version of the hat my dad always wears, so hope you’re into looking like a suburban Irish lawyer!

Writing for a Comedy Series

Jack Burditt & Robert Carlock, 30 Rock

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes

Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

Greg Daniels, The Office

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K. & Pamela Adlon, Louie

I don’t even watch Louie, but I feel like he’s got this one in the bag. My heart lies with The Office, though. Best series finale I’ve ever seen.

Molly’s Pick: Greg Daniels, The Office

Loved the 30 Rock Finale, but splitting the finale will probably split the votes, no?

WINNER

Tina Fey & Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock

T: Fun fact: I had a great run-in with Tracey Wigfield during a Mindy Project WGA event (she writes for them now, slash sorry that was #SoLA). Basically we bonded over our names.

M: Fun fact: I live in Rochester. It’s cold and everything’s closed. Good story Traci!

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Ty Burrell, Modern Family

To me, Ty is the standout male actor on the show, so my vote’s on him. I have a soft spot in my heart for Jesse Tyler Ferguson, though. You know who should really with this? Bill Hader. No more Stefon you guys, NO MORE STEFON 😦

Molly’s Pick: Ed O’Neill, Modern Family

See Supporting Actress Comment, above. See also, Traci’s Stefon comment, above.

WINNER

Tony Hale, Veep

M: Robin Williams is about ¾ of the way through the long journey into turning into Jack Nicholson.

T: Wait… There should’ve been a cross-over 30 Rock/Mad Men ep where Jack Donaghy goes to Don Draper for advertising help

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Traci’s Pick:Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

If you don’t watch Veep, you’re doing it wrong. But I think it’s pretty clear that both of us would rather have Amy Poehler win this one. Always Amy Poehler. Always.

Molly’s Pick: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

The real award goes to Amy Poehler for whatever awesome bit she schedules this year (do you have .gifs of the other years? I don’t but I’ll look) Why yes, they just happen to be on my Tumblr… (T)

WINNER

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Photo Sep 22, 5 38 50 PM

M: Once again, Anna Chlumsky should be taking home an award for Best Supporting Actress In an Awards Show Comedy Bit, for her appearance in “casually glancing up from her cell phone”

T: Guys…. If that bit Julia Louis-Dreyfus just did went over your head, you need to watch Veep. Now. Or, like after the Emmys.

M: WILL ARNETT YOU’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

M: The voiceover just said “this is only the second time a woman has won for comedy directing,” but she put so much overemphasis on “a woman” that it sounded like she was saying “this is only the second time a woman has been born with XY chromosomes and also a penis and also was a dude.” Calm down, voiceover lady. It’s fine.

T: Observation: the writers of this year’s Emmys are on point.

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis C.K., Louie
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

Louie is juuuust edgy enough to garner the support of the viewers this year, and even though Alec has already won this category twice before, I think he has a good shot at winning for nostalgia purposes too.

Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

What the shit is Episodes? I don’t feel like I’m very good at TV right now.

WINNER

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

T: I literally ‘UGHHed’ when Jim Parsons won. Sorry guys. Not a Big Bang Theory viewer.

M: I only don’t like it because I don’t think it’s very fun. Parsons is a very cute cartoon cat of a man and I loved Blossom on “Blossom.”

M: I think they’re going to do a tribute here. Let’s go over the ground rules, everyone. No clapping til it’s done. No unwrapping snacks. Try to look serious. Church rules, people. OK, the All In The Family Tribute was one of the most touching ones I’ve seen on an awards show in a good while. Kind of want to watch Jean Stapleton’s funny singing in the All In The Family theme song to rinse the sad out of my mouth.

T: I’ve only seen approx 15 minutes of Behind the Candelabra, but I still can’t believe Good Will Hunting and Gordon Gekko played lovers. Like, gay lovers.

M: Between Will Arnett and Michael Douglas, I haven’t seen this much spray tan since prom week at our high school in 2004 (when we were visiting as part of a little brothers/ little sisters thing, we’re not that old) (we’re so old)

Elton John’s piano piece best get a lot flashier, because it sounds like something I’d have played at my spring recital in 1995 (when I was a fetus I’m not that old)

T: “… I’m just gonna turn this down a little.” -Me, re: Elton John

“I mean you can probably just put it on mute, to be honest. Is there an episode of TV we could watch? – my music lover fan, Suzanne.

M: I’m clawing at my face in secondhand embarrassment like I haven’t done since Joey Potter sang On My Own at the Miss Windjammer Pageant. Go back to Baby Zachary Levon, Elton. He needs you more than us.

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum

I REFUSE to watch American Horror Story. I can barely watch the promos or look at the ads. Have you SEEN the one with the snake in the mouths? Anyways, Jessica Lange will probs win this, although Elisabeth Moss was really good in Top of the Lake. She was honestly the best this about it. Everything else sucked.

Molly’s Pick: Helen Mirren, Phil Spector

This is a list comprised entirely of Actresses Awards Committees Can’t Get Enough Of, so it’s anyone’s game really.

WINNER

Laura Linney, The Big C

M: I checked my work email during Elton John’s song because it was so boring, so then I had to go get some things to stress eat, so if I’m a little fatter tomorrow than today, it’s on you, Liberace.

T: This How I Met Your Mother bit is making me sad that it’s the last season all over again.

M: I know. When long running tv shows end it feels like leaving high school except unlike our high school the tv shows are actually made up of people that I like.

Writing for a Drama Series

George Mastras, Breaking Bad
Thomas Schnauz, Breaking Bad
Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey
David Benioff & D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones
Henry Bromell, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Henry Bromell, Homeland

This particular episode from Henry Bromell, Q&A, was by far the best episode of the season, maybe even the series to date. No brainer.

Molly’s Pick: David Benioff & DB. Weiss, Game Of Thrones

I’m going solely off of which episode made people on Twitter freak out the most. Not sure if People Who Freak Out On Twitter is the same market demo as People Who Are In The Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences.

WINNER
Henry Bromell, Homeland

T: I feel like it’s almost impossible to talk to Connie Britton and not mention Friday Night Lights. Example: this bit.

M: Other example: the reassuring, Principal Taylor-esque shoulder squeeze she just gave the widow of the last category’s winner.

M: If Connie Britton had watched the preshow, she’d know that it’s pronounced Ahhhna Gunn.

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Because if Skyler’s gonna make it out of the ABQ alive, she might as well get an Emmy for it.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Anna Gunn plays someone’s wife on Breaking Bad. He makes drugs. Some people don’t like her but it’s only because they’re sexist (everything I know about Breaking Bad I learned from Tumblr. Starting it soon. Honest.)

WINNER
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

T: GOD BLESS AMERICA SKYLER WINS, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

This show is turning out to be a tearjerker. Not prepared.

M: Getting real emotional. About to go through a lot of snack mix and kale chips. So, screw you, Elton John.

T: I just … love NPH for being virtually the only host who can sing and dance and act flawlessly.

M: I just clasped my hands and raised my shoulders up to my ears like those creepy smitten triplets in Beauty And The Beast when Gaston walked by.

T: Waiit… Castle can sing. Also, I’m freaking out over all the SYTYCD alum dancing right now.

M: So, numbers are up for each of the performers in the last number and lines will be open for an hour after the show.

M: Evidently the teleprompter wasn’t working during Mindy Kaling and Stephen Ammell’s presentation. I sort of just thought that was the level of writing we were supposed to expect for this kind of thing.

Reality-Competition Program

Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
The Amazing Race
The Voice
Top Chef

Traci’s Pick: The Amazing Race

Ugh, even though I think The Amazing Race is a good show, it has won every.single.year since the category was introduced in 2003. Except in 2010 when Top Chef won. In all honesty, So You Think You Can Dance should win, but that’s a completely biased opinion.

Molly’s Pick: The Voice

I’m one of those old-school folks who doesn’t love this category. SYTYCD is the only one I watch on the regs anymore, but I’d be surprised.

WINNER

The Voice

T: EXCUSE ME? THE VOICE?

M: Sometimes Cee Lo has that cat, though. Seems fair.

T: Kerry! I love you so much. And I usually love alllll your fashion choices… but… On second viewing, it’s really not that bad and kind of pretty.

M: Like Connie Britton, I tend to attribute Kerry Washington’s character’s traits to her. Totally fair to assume she’s as smart and driven as Olivia Pope, right?

T: Why is Dihann Carroll so far away from Kerry right now?

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Traci’s Pick: Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

I LOVE YOU AARON PAUL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. But after Mandy’s snub last year, I feel like the Academy will want to make up for its massive mistake in not nominating Inigo Montoya.

Molly’s Pick: Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones

But Maybe Bobby Cannavale as a super-dark horse. Sometimes I think Emmy voters are like that one neighbor you had in 1992 who always wanted to show off that he had HBO. Yes, Academy. We know you have HBO.

WINNER

Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I honestly kept switching my vote from Heisenberg to Nick Brody, but Heisenberg won in the end… just like he will in the series finale????

Molly’s Pick: Damian Lewis, Homeland

Know what? I really don’t know about this one.

WINNER

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

M: Like I said, the Academy members are really proud that they upgraded to the HBO package with their cable service.

T: Jeff Daniels “I didn’t expect this.” Yeah neither did we.

What in the actual fuck is going on? None of these people were expected to win!!!! #SelfishBallotTalk

But really, I like Jeff Daniels and all, but over Mandy Patinkin and Aaron Paul?

M: Don Cheadle is now hosting a mini-segment called “Shit That’s Supposed To Make You Cry That Was On TV One Time In the 60s”

Also supposed to make you cry: Carrie Underwood singing ‘Yesterday.’ So THAT’s what she’s doing here.

M: It’s ok, Jimmy Fallon’s here, we can all stop crying now. Really, that wasn’t cool, Cheadle.

T: Literally started clapping when Jimmy came on the stage. This mic bit is way funnier than it should be.

M: I’m getting nervous about this category. Like, because I care who wins and because I care how they’re going to fill a whole other hour after this.

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Claire Danes, Homeland
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Nashville
Kerry Washington, Scandal

Traci’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

I think my pick is half who ‘will’ win and half who ‘should’ win. Either way, I’m sticking with Kerry in the event this is the one upset of the night and she steals it away from Claire Danes. The whole African-American actress hubbub mixed with the fact that I recently binge-watched Scandal and now am obsessed with it is why I’m choosing Olivia Pope. #GoGladiators

Molly’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

Claire Danes is trying to wrestle back her Ugly Cry Showdown title, but I have to go with Olivia Pope. Love Scandal.

WINNER

Claire Danes, Homeland

M: And, with Claire Danes’ win, she yanks the title of Best Ugly Crier from Anne Hathaway. You had a good run, Annie. Now why don’t you cry about it (you’re really quite good at it).

T: I had so much anxiety during that category and Kerry didn’t even win. Gah. Also Claire Danes WTF is with your hair. Just, no.

M: Anyone else having a tough time dealing with Damian’s face right now?

M: Traci, you don’t watch Game of Thrones, right? I don’t have enough time to get as into it as people on twitter convince me I would be. I also feel like it’s for people who play games with really big multi-sided dice and secret names. *even though I know super normy people who watch it.

T: No, I do not, and will not watch Game of Thrones. I have too many shows. Also, I don’t watch programs with dragons or vampires.

M: Sometimes I think about watching it so I could understand more memes. Everything about me is embarrassing.

T: The group writers intros are always my favoriteand OHMYGOD OPRAH.

M: So, who on Jimmy Kimmel is sleeping with Oprah? (Don’t say Gayle or Stedman, we know neither of those are happening)

T: I mean, if he’s not sleeping with her, they’re at least BFFs (Example A, Example B).

M: Right now the Emmys are reminding me of that one older relative who, every time you see them, has to tell you about another person you know who died.

T: I cannot express how excited I am about this choreography dance number. SYTYCD alum galore! Also, I just really like it when dance is featured on a major show. (If you want to see these amazing choreographers’ nominated routines, watch them here!)

M: When NPH started singing “Luck Be A Lady” I thought “hey, this always reminds me of Mrs Doubtfire!” So, everything nice is wasted on me. Just feed me Taco Bell and give me a stack of Lifetime movies. It’s all I deserve.

M: So I think it’s time for me to watch Boardwalk Empire (ICYMI 1920s people 1920s-danced to a 1920s Get Lucky.)

T: I AM LEGITIMATELY CRYING RIGHT NOW GUYS. IT’S A PROBLEM.

I LOVE ALL THOSE DANCERS AND CHOREOGRAPHERS. AND TRAVIS AND ALLISON – WHO WERE CONTESTANTS IN SEASON TWO OF SYTYCD ARE NOW NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY?! AND THE FACT THAT CHOREOGRAPHY IS EVEN ON THE PRIMETIME SHOW I ACTUALLY CANNOT.

M: I almost cried too, but nothing came out because I used up all my tears during the JFK thing. I’m Irish Catholic.  The JFK funeral is like holding fresh cut onions under my eyes.

Sorry, did Mandy Moore just get introduced as Mandy Jo Moore? Not makin’ it better, Mand’.

Variety Series

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Traci’s Pick: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

It’s hard to pick anything else besides The Daily Show, because much like The Amazing Race, it’s dominated the competition since 2003. If anyone has a chance, it’s his buddy Stephen Colbert. A long shot would be my boy Jimmy Fallon, and I might have to Funkin’ Gonuts myself if he wins.

Molly’s Pick: The Colbert Report

The Colbert Report has been pretty on its game this year, but it would be nice to see Jimmy Fallon win since that show’s been having more fun than I’ve ever really seen a late night show have. However, this isn’t community rec U4-U6 soccer, so I guess you don’t get a trophy for “going out there and having fun.”

WINNER
The Colbert Report

T: *caps lock rant over* In other news, I am doing horribly with my ballot.

M: You could totally change your answers before you post it, but you wouldn’t do it. You’re the kind of person who would leave money at an unattended farm stand. (I’m the kind of person who lives near farm stands. Like I said, everything about me is embarrassing).

M: These spread-out tributes are really killing me. This is why you don’t do funerals in installments. Best to get it all over with at once.

T: Seriously, I’m crying again… Maybe I should seek psychiatric help…

M: Nah you’re good. My mom texted me during this that she was driving my nephew and he kept telling her “you really, really have to tell Aunt Molly that I love her” and I cried for like five minutes. OK, or maybe we’re just both messes.

T: “This just in: no one in America is winning their office Emmy pool.”- NPH Yes.

M: Yeah. I could win at this point just because everyone’s doing so poorly. The winner will probably be someone who doesn’t watch TV and just goes by whatever has the best name (read: my football pool strategy).
Anna Farris is wearing a Sleeping Beauty wig and a very nice yellow dress.

T: This lovely British woman winning for The Hour is just the absolute loveliest. Lovely.

M: She’s really, very lovely.

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

See: Lead Actress in a Miniseries… but I mean he was great in Babe.

Molly’s Pick: Scott Bakula, Behind the Candelabra

I suppose.

WINNER
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum

T: Kevin Spacey looked perturbed when he flicked that piece of paper into the lens. He should be used to speaking into cameras.

M: MORE DEAD PEOPLE. Jeeesus. What is this, the Hogwarts Portrait Gallery? No. Because at Hogwarts, people are better behaved than to clap at inappropriate times. Bunch of damn Slytherins here.

So, Behind the Candelabra is like… really happening right now, huh? I just can’t take anything seriously with Candelabra in the title. Also: more music from my 4th grade piano recital.

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias
Imelda Staunton, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum

Sarah Paulson is one of those people for me that I always remember them for that one thing they did that probably no one else does. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. RIP.

Molly’s Pick: Imelda Staunton, The Girl

I typed 3 different actresses before settling on Imelda Staunton. Never realized I cared so much about supporting actresses in miniseries.

WINNER
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals

M: Ellen Burstyn looks very… diaphanous tonight.

T: Ellen Burstyn: Forever the crazy lady in Requiem for a Dream.

M: 10:56 EST. How many awards to go? Put on the hustle, Emmys! You can do it!

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade’s End
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
Toby Jones, The Girl

Traci’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

Michael Douglas playing a gay, rhinestone wearing, piano player who has sex with Matt Damon? Yeah, just give him the Emmy now.

Molly’s Pick: Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

I have nothing to add to Traci’s comment. That’s pretty much it.

WINNER

Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

T: What is Michael Douglas actually saying right now.

M: He’s saying that Matt Damon’s a top, I think. That means what you think it does. Michael Douglas: making my stomach feel not great since he told us all how he got cancer. Also “My wife Catherine?” Didn’t they just get divorced?

T: I think they’re separated? Slash maybe he’s just trying to be nice about their split. What a great guy.

M: You know, I’m just a simple, old-fashioned girl who thinks that once you’ve gotten throat cancer from your spouse’s vag, you’re in it for life. (Sorry) (No I’m not. Michael Douglas should be sorry. AND CZJ I guess. Everyone who made it possible for me to know that fact)

Miniseries or Movie

American Horror Story: Asylum
Behind the Candelabra
Phil Spector
Political Animals
The Bible
Top of the Lake

Traci’s Pick: Behind the Candelabra

Sorry everyone else, this is the year for the gays.

Molly’s Pick: Top Of The Lake

I think other people liked it more than I did.

WINNER

Behind the Candelabra

M: Claire Danes is doing awesome, but I’d just like to take this moment to point out that all of the best actress nominees this year were played by Tatiana Maslany. Amazing how you just forget that it’s the same actress. /#stillbitter

T: Will Ferrell… pretty sure these are his actual kids. Are they getting paid for this or straight up child labor?

M: Oh my God I think you’re right. I thought those Asian kids from the last award show were his real kids. But this is probably more correct.

Comedy Series

The Big Bang Theory
Girls
Louie
Modern Family
30 Rock
Veep

Traci’s Pick: Modern Family

Modern Family 3-peat. 30 Rock should win based on sentimentality alone. Blerg.

Molly’s Pick: Modern Family

I like Modern Family – really, I do. I’d just rather see 30 Rock win.

WINNER

Modern Family

T: “This may have been the saddest Emmys ever, but we could not be happier.” Steve Levitan, Modern Family EP, who has hit the Emmy nail on the head.

M: Yeah. The tone of the Emmys is supposed to be all “TV forever!” but this year it’s like “TV forever! Until you die. Everyone dies. Here’s some people who did this year, for instance. And JFK, which was a while ago,but you know, why not?”

Drama Series

House of Cards
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
Homeland
Mad Men

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Basically, just give Breaking Bad ALL the awards while you can. ALL of them.

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

If not this year, then next. Source: tumblr.

WINNER

Breaking Bad

T: Finally Breaking Bad wins and all is right with the world.

M: Except this Emmy telecast. It just left me feeling kind of “off.” Speaking of which, now you can all go watch Breaking Bad! I don’t have any spoilers I’m just taking it that something crazy happened.

Thanks everyone for reading!! Check back tomorrow for our Best and Worst Dressed Lists!!! Go drown your sorrows in your Emmy ballots now…

Golden Globes 2013 – Best and Worst Dressed

{2/25/13 Note: Hey, did you come here looking for our Oscars 2013 Best and Worst Dressed instead? It’s over here.}

Best Dressed

Molly’s picks:

Sofia Vergara in Michael Cinco

Despite being entirely sequined, this dress is fairly pared-down for Vergara. I especially like the simple hair and fresh makeup. Bonus points for choosing a Filipino designer!

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

This ivory color was gorgeous on her! I liked this more before I realized that the skirt was only opaque to a point, but still, the beading is beautiful and it’s such a good cut. It’s really easy for women as tiny-framed as Washington to disappear in big formal dresses. My only minor qualm, as I said in the live blog, is that I would have pulled her hair away from her face because it’s such a nice face.

Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta

Love the color, love the simple accessories, love the slightly rumply fabric, as a matter of fact. This is such a pretty orangey red and looks great with her skin and hair, though I have watched enough Joan Rivers to know that wearing red on the red carpet is risky because the colors can clash. As per usual, Deschanel is also sporting an insanely adorable themed manicure.

Helen Hunt in Dolce & Gabbana

Hunt and Washington both really worked the ivory/shimmery dresses without looking like brides (cf. Hayden Panettiere). If I were elderly, I would say that she’s a vision, but I’m not, so I’ll just say she looks really pretty.

Michelle Dockery in Alexander Vauthier

I keep waffling on whether or not I love this, but I think I do. The silhouette’s a bit funny around the shoulders, but otherwise perfect. I’d like a better look at her hair and that bracelet, though.

Honorable mentions: Amy Poehler (for managing to make a pant suit look hot. I’ll take this as a Knopian nod to women in government.), Ariel Winter (for looking 15), Olivia Munn (for picking what I think was a great cut/color for her).

Traci’s Picks:

Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney

Obviously my personal idol is on the list. But my love for her aside, she rocked the tuxedo look, and still managing to stay super sexy in the mean time. It made me want to marry her and never divorce her. Classy yet not trashy, that’s our girl Amy.

Naomi Watts in Zac Posen

At first sight this dark burgundy dress may not be much, but when she turns around the backless feature makes it breathtaking. Naomi of course is gorgeous in her own right, but in a sleek, stylish, and sexy dress, she looks out of this world.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

If you’ve seen Kerry traveling the world for the Django Unchained movie premieres, you’ll know that as of late, home girl hasn’t exactly been hitting home runs with hear red carpet fashion. However, I give her props for taking risks, and this gown in no exception.

Michelle Dockery in Alexander Vauthier

Oh lady Mary, you are quite a sight for sore eyes. Cousin Matthew is probably fawning over you right now. As I mentioned in the live blog last night, it’s always weird to see anyone from the show in normal people clothes, none the less in Hollywood style gowns. She looks absolutely stunning in this dress.

Kate Hudson in Aleander McQueen

I’m a sucker for black and gold – and for Alexander McQueen- so it’s hard for me to say no to this dress. It’s a bold statement, much like the rest of his company’s designs and not just any celeb can pull it off. Kate Hudson def did it justice.

Bonus: Ben Affleck for sporting a navy tux – Because he’s a muthafuckin GG winner and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Worst Dressed

Molly’s picks:

Halle Berry in Versace

The fabric on this looks like those screen-printed sarongs that you can buy at the public market. It is also tattered and torn, like when Cinderella’s stepsisters ruin the dress that the mice made for her before the ball. So, in sum, this looks like a downmarket sarong sewn by animated mice that was ripped apart in a fit of anger.

Emily Blunt in Michael Kors

I’m not just saying this because she got to marry John Krasinski. I like the color and I don’t hate the fabric, I just can’t stand the cutouts on the side. It reminds me of the two piece, belly-baring prom dresses that were the thing when I was in high school. If you weren’t 16 in 2003 this dress might not bother you.

Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton

The little black dress with the bow would have been cute at dinner or a cocktail party, but why did she wrap that polka-dotted shower curtain around herself first?

Sienna Miller in Erdem

When she was (evidently) partying with P. Diddy he couldn’t have given her some wardrobe tips? The shape of this is horrible – the top of it is cut like those boxy Christopher and Banks sweaters that moms used to wear a lot. And the pattern reminds me of something I would have thought would look really groovy on a pencil case in 5th grade when I was really into Now and Then.

Julianna Margulies in Emilio Pucci

This is showing up on best dressed lists already, but I don’t care. She reminds me of those teenage girls who are really into long, terrible fantasy book series set in medieval times. Is that a dragon?

Dishonorable mention: Julianne Hough (who invited her and why is she wearing the adult, floor-length version of a Toddlers and Tiaras cupcake dress?).

Traci’s Picks:

Sienna Miller in Erdem

So sienna miller’s gown basically reminds me of the traditional Filipino dresses, commonly used in weddings and formal events.
It’s just too much.

Halle Berry in Versace

File under: When bad gowns happen to Oscar winners. Halle what were you thinking with this? It looks like a monster chewed up the LA Flower Mart with a bedspread from the 1980s then spit it back out in the form of a half-frock. But we know you’ve done much better.

Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein

You’re a gorgeous girl, Jessica. So you don’t need to look frumpy. This seafoam colored dress isn’t doing you any favors, basically because it doesn’t fit we’ll and I was afraid your girls would fall out at any second.

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

Big night for my Girl Lena, however she just can’t get her style quite on point. The dress makes her look much older than she actually is, and the gross color is even worse. Not to mention it looked like she was having a touch time walking in whatever shoe apparatus she was wearing, she may have walked away with 2 GG but she was having a hard time doing it.

Julie Bowen in Halston

Oh Julie. After last years Emmys in an awesome neon green gown, I thought you were on a roll. Please tell me that your kids were the reason why you picked this sack of a dress. Asymmetrical is not a good look for a lot of people, but this especially makes it look like someone bought a Butterick design from Joann’s and some navy fabric for $.75 a yard.

Live Blog: Golden Globes 2013 aka The Day We Died Because of the Fey/Poehler Takeover

Happy Golden Globes day!!! We’ll be liveblogging throughout the show, so make sure you refresh this page to keep up!!!

Bitches getting shit done.

Welcome to the live blog of the Golden Globes 2013!!!

M. Kelly Osbourne. Kelly Osbourne always looks like she’s from the capitol in Panem.

T. BTW, we are watching the E! Red Carpet, mainly because I enjoy Ryan Seacrest, but I also have no interest in seeing Al “I sharted” Roker interview the likes of Daniel Day-Lewis and Hugh Jackman.

M. I’m trying to memorize what Amy Adams is wearing so I don’t get her confused with Jessica Chastain.

T. You know what’s always jarring? Seeing ANY of the Downton Abbey stars in modern day clothes. Lady Mary is on FIRE.

M: SO glad you mentioned Downton so I could go record it. I’m missing that and Girls for the Golden Globes. I mean… nobody really “misses” tv anymore. I’m watching them on the internet later. Clearly.

T: Sidenote: I JUST LOVE AWARDS SHOWS SO MUCH. Especially the Golden Globes. After the Emmys, it’s my favorite, because everyone’s boozed up and the best of TV and Movie people are there!

T: Is anyone doing the Golden Globes drinking game? I’m still at work and forgot to bring alc.

T: OMG FIRST SHOT OF TINA AND AMY AND I LEGIT JUST HAD A TEAR IN MY EYE!!!! HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS

T: THEY’RE BACK!! THEY LOOK SO HOT! LOVING AMY’S LOOK

M: OMG AMYYY Look at you! When I want to look really fantastic, the ideal I keep in mind is “divorced Amy Poehler.”

M: Also Tina Fey has a Kate Middleton-worthy hair cape. And her shoes look hard to walk in.

M: Contemplating the Golden Globes drinking game. I have to wake up at 6:30 to write law books though… (I’m in EST if that makes me seem less pathetic?)

T: Oh lord, I never thought I’d see the day NeNe Leakes would be strutting the Golden Globes red carpet

T: OH YEAH. JOHN KRASINSKI. SMOKE.SHOW.

M:  Aziz Ansari has a  “whattt? that’s racist… don’t say that again” dance move, which he attributes to his “chocolate skin tone.”

M: Little Michael J. Fox exactly looks like a little Michael J. Fox. Well I mean, he is slightly taller.

M: Jessica Chastain is in seafoam, Amy Adams in ballerina pink. Also I don’t know what my problem is because they really don’t look alike.

T: I wonder if it’s every awkward when a celeb’s significant other (who isn’t as famous) is asked to move out of the way in the press line so they can get a solo shot of the star…

T: Whoa Don Draper, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve seen you on the red carpet!

M: Rosario Dawson will always be Mimi to me. I hope she sang “Out Tonight” as she got ready.

T: J-Law! My BFF! Wait her boobs look like they’re protruding out of her body. Really hoping she says something awk sauce. Ok, nothing awkward, except the fact that she has the flu and had to put her hand on Seacrest’s arm as she went down the stairs.

M: Hell YES Jennifer Lawrence is here! Is her hair color different? Her tan line is showing, not that I’m looking at her boobs. Pretty dress though! Love the color.

M: T, Did you know Taylor Swift was nominated or did you purposefully stay away from that info? Her hair may be in a confusing side-chignon thing.

T: I did subconsciously know Swifty was nominated, however I think I forced myself to forget that fact. Although that song was really good in THG. But she still doesn’t belong here. “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE”

M: Amanda Seyfried: “I learned [to pose] from Anne Hathaway, she’s a really good poser.” I’m sorry, DOES ANNE HATHAWAY EXCEL AT EVERYTHING?!

M: Hugh Jackman’s hair looks kind of Ron Swanson-y in the front.

M: Taylor Swift’s dress is kind of the color of chocolate, which reminds me that now is a good time for everyone to go get a snack. Right now, while she’s talking.

M: My nephew Henry, two, just wandered in. I asked what Claire Danes’ dress made him think of. Apparently it evokes Elmo.

T: So like, can I get some of the anti-ageing potion Hamm’s clearly drinking? Because Price Charming looks fioooone.

M: Hamm may be drinking it, but his wife is injecting it. Her cheeks are super tight and shiny. I’m not judging because I almost bought Botox via Groupon last month.

M: Keith Urban. My brother-in-law saw him shooting an album cover when he lived in Nashville and said he was like a really fancy well-groomed cowboy. So many highlights!

T: ADELE!!!! Love it. It’s always great trying to understand what she’s trying to say. Also, should the HFPA (Hollywood Foreign Press Association) just give her the award right now? She’s so great.

M: I can’t deal with Adele not revealing her baby’s name. Her eyelashes are enormous and must make it really hard to blink and see.

M; If you missed it Puffy just half-heartedly congratulated Sienna Miller on her baby. I don’t know what manner of baby she has but I’m assuming s/he’s no Blue Ivy. Wait, maybe he congratulated her on something else. I was too busy paying attention to how weird this situation felt to me.

T: In what world are Sienna Miller and P Diddy friends? I’m confused. She said they’ve been friends for a long time and have nicknames for each other. Heh?

M: I’m so embarrassed that I wrote “Puffy.” I am from 1998.

T: Kristen Bell is the CUTEST preggo!! I can’t say I’m in love with her dress though (PS Shameless Plug:: look out for our Best/Worst Dressed post later!)

M: Marion Cotillard is one of my favorite people to wish I looked like, but I really preferred her shorter, wavier hair. It’s not bad but if I were Marion Cotillard I would want everyone to be looking at my face.

M: Julianna Marguelis. I am misspelling your name but you are wearing this weird sheer thing that’s slowing down my processing.

T: ER REUNION WITH CLOONS AND NURSE HATHAWAY. I AM VERKELMPT. I appreciate a TV good reunion, especially of the candid variety.

M: Clooney and Marguelis just hugged for a million years. I love them so much.

T: BTW, I’m still at work, but obvi got everything done early to liveblog this bitch. But since I’m here, I’m watching the E! Red Carpet at my desk, and turned on the NBC show at my boss’ desk (who is not here). Every few minutes I literally run into the other room to see if anyone I like is being interviewed. I’m insane.

M: There are so many high necklines and so much loose, straight-ish hair tonight. See e.g. Kate Hudson.

M: I always vaguely feel like I’m not supposed to like Sofia Vergara but I LOVE Sofia Vergara.

T: I fucking love Sofia Vergara. I could lit’rally listen to her talk for days.

M: Is Ben Affleck’s facial hair for a role or just for funsies?

M: Got a quick view of Anne Hathaway’s hair and it looks very Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. I hope the internet doesn’t think that’s an insult because it’s not.

T: People in a oneshot: Paul Rudd, Jessica Alba, and Anne Hathaway #OnlyattheGoldenGlobes

M: I wonder if people are going to like Kerry Washington’s dress, but I think it looks fantastic on her. Maybe would have pulled the hair off her face but that’s just because it’s a good face (see, Cotillard).

T: I don’t watch Scandal, so basically anytime I see Kerry Washington, I think, ‘Hey, that’s the girl from Save The Last Dance!!’’

T: LEO!!!!!!!!! I appreciate that he always shows up to the GGs. I really hope Kate shows up so he can thank her in his acceptance speech

T: Apparently, P Diddy and Sienna Miller have been friends for a while, as told by this article from 2007. They partied together. Of course.

M: Kelly Osbourne said that T.Swift would show up sexy and SHE DID. That’s not how I felt but OK, Kel. Not that Swift isn’t pretty but that’s just not how she reads to me ever.

T: A SEX BOMB, KELLY OSBOURNE? NO. TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT A ‘SEX BOMB.

M: How I’ve missed hearing that Tina Fey/ Amy Poehler introduction from the Weekend Update era!

M: Poehler just referred to the “rat-faced people of television”, and I love her.

T: Tina looks like she came straight out of one of her Garnier Fructis commercials.

M: Fey: Gervais isn’t here because he is no longer in showbusiness.

M: Fey just offered to call child services for Dunham. I also feel like Lena Dunham is too young to be doing her show, but that’s only because that means that by your mid-twenties it’s acceptable to have your own tv show. I have my own car and phone and dog! And that’s it.

M: I love when Amy Poehler puts on the mean Boston lady thing.

T: BOSTON REPRESENT!! Poehler is amazing when she brings back her accent!

M: First (Only??)Anne Hathaway/ James Franco Oscars trainwreck reference. Well done, Ms. Fey.

M: Nobody has PLANS to do porn. – Amy Poehler. PREACH. It just happens sometimes.

M: Is Tina Fey’s pronunciation of Les Miserables with a thick French accent going to be a running gag? Hope so!

M: This is like watching a really good, crazy-fancy Weekend Update.

Best Supporting Actor. Our Predictions:

Best Supporting Actor
T: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
M: Leonardo DiCaprio
WINNER: Christoph Waltz!
T: Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard are at the same table as Denzel, and right behind Daniel Day-Lewis. How much are they SHITTING themselves right now??

M: Well, we were both wrong. Christoph Waltz won best supporting actor. In related news, Traci and I have not seen Django Unchained.

T: Leo upset at the top of the show! Wah Wah. If you need any consoling, let a sista know.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Maggie Smith
M:Maggie Smith
Winner: Maggie Smith!

M : Damn, we’re good at this already. Also, who else can’t believe that Hayden Pannetiere was nominated?

T: One of my favorite things about the GGs is the mingling that happens between stars during commercials. Hoping there’s plenty of surprising air kisses made between two unlikely celebs.

M: A Lea Michele hair commercial is on and I think this should be more of a Tina Fey hair commercial night. I just don’t believe her when she says that I’m “totally worth it.” It’s the “totally.” It’s just too much. Like when someone says they’re 200% sure of something, I’m way less confident than when they just leave it at 100%.

T: Hayden Pannetiere (sp?) just tweeted: “There ain’t anything like a Dame. Congratulations Dame Maggie Smith! It was an honor to have my name mentioned in a category with you!” Who wants to bet that she had that tweet ready the day she was nominated??

M: She had a separate draft saved for each other nominee. Smart girl, that Hayden.

Best Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Game Change
M: Game Change
WINNER:Game Change

M: Why aren’t we in the Hollywood Foreigh Press? I am none of those things but Traci is both Hollywood and Press. We’re batting… something. I don’t know how to do sports things, I’m really sorry.

T: Ok, every time I see Danny Strong, I can’t help but think he was Paris Geller’s boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. I mean, he’s making big moves – he’s writing the screenplay for Mockingjay!!!!!

M: The audio cut out for a sec but I think that’s just because someone started swearing REAL bad. Michael J. Fox’s son, maybe? He might be a loose cannon.

M: OH SNAP, the director of Game Change just listed Sarah Palin as one of the great impressions of Sarah Palin. I’m sorry I keep saying 1998ish things like “Puffy” and “Oh Snap.” Here are a few more: Tamagotchi. GigaPet. Ally McBeal’s Dancing Baby.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Jessica Lange
M: Julianne Moore
WINNER: Julianne Moore.

M: Did everyone know that Julianne Moore has a daughter who looks like Lindsay Lohan before everything went so wrong? In case you didn’t, now you do.

T: NO YOU DID NOT JUST START SINGING ‘DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING’ RN. NO YOU DID NOT. SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.

M: Embarrassed for Zeta-Jones. Not as bad as Joey Potter but NOTHING is that bad. It’s like a lullaby from a baby’s fever nightmare, the Holmes On My Own rendition.

T: Does this broad know where she is….Oh the cameras aren’t scanning per her request. What does she do for the HFPA? Also is she wearing a vest made out of faux diamonds? LOLZ INDUSTRY JOKE. No but really, is this person real? I need a gif of Bradley Cooper’s reaction to her “Call Me Maybe” offer right now.

M: Dr. Aida Something-Something told the camera to scan the room and the camera didn’t scan the damn room. Don’t they know who she is? No? Me either.
She’s self-deprecating, though. And hilarious? Old-lady funny? Mildly amusing?

M: Mimi Marquez (Rosario Dawson)  is wearing a peplum outfit thing. Good color on her. Can we all just admit that none of us knew that that was called “peplum” til last year? Pre-2012 I would have described it as “a Judy Jetson thing.”

Best Actor, Drama
T: Damian Lewis
M:John Hamm
WINNER: Damian Lewis

T: Sgt. Brody FTW! If you haven’t watched Homeland yet, get into it. All the cool white people are doing it. (and that JAZZ)

M: So… I should probably watch Homeland, huh? I’m not a “cool white person” but what I lack in cool I make up for in being exceptionally white.

T: Oh Lord Licorice Paul Rudd’s vamping is amazing. Selma Hayek, however, not so much. “Something about best TV”

Best Television Series, Drama
T: Homeland
M: Downton Abbey
WINNER: Homeland

M: Is Claire Danes about to ugly cry? DO IT DANES DO IT. My favorite Danes ugly cry is from her underrated work in Brokedown Palace. It’s like her face crumbles into itself.

T: Re: people mingling during commercial: RDJ kissing the cheek of Mel Gibson. Multiple times.

T: So I’ve been marathoning The West Wing for the past couple of weeks, and John Goodman shows up, and reinforces the fact that I have an unreasonable fear of him. But as he’s standing there next to the awk guy while introducing Argo, he seems ok. I just can’t separate fiction from real life.

M: For some reason I was completely, irrationally mad as a kid when I found out that John Goodman’s daughter is named Molly. I think because I imagined a child, female version of John Goodman, and that is a really unfortunate image to share your name with.

T: Ben Affleck then a shot to Jennifer Lopez. Remember when Bennifer happened?

M: Remember when they got super close to the wedding then called it off? I do, because I think it was supposed to be on my birthday. Now the only thing that happened on my birthday was I was born. I mean, so was Amy Winehouse, and the lady who started Planned Parenthood. But it’s no Bennifer wedding.

Best Original Score:
T: Lincoln
M:Lincoln
WINNER: Life of Pi

M: I didn’t see Life of Pi yet but apparently the score makes ample use of the triangle.

T: “Please welcome international music sensation Shakiki (sp?)” What? I legit thought you said Monkiki (apparently, this is the SNL portion of the liveblog)

Best Original Song
T: Skyfall, Adele
M:Suddenly, Les Miserables
WINNER: Skyfall, Adele

T: GIF OF ADELE HIGH FIVING DANIEL CRAIG, PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. Remember when she won the Grammy for Best New Artist and freaked out over the Jonas Brothers being there?
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is pissed that she couldn’t use her ‘surprised face’ right now.

M: Adele, you are adorable. I hope Swift has some paper out and is taking notes on how to seem graciously surprised at winning. Also Taylor would 100% redeem herself right now if she ran up and grabbed the award. I’d be mad at her but it would make for such a good GIF!
But I am so mad that Adele said “my son” and didn’t name him. Is the name awful? Unpronounceable? Boring? There must be something wrong with that baby’s name.

T: Tina Fey’s Damian Francisco actually looks like it could be an alternate world Johnny Depp. Someone already made up a faux Twitter for Darcy St. Fudge. Waiting for the next one. Well played, internet.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Clive Owen
M:Kevin Costner
WINNER: Kevin Costner

M: I got SO into Hatfields and McCoys. I think I was mostly a Hatfield girl but I do like a good McCoy now and then.

T: I actually … do NOT care, Kevin Costner. For an actor, you have a very monotone voice.

M: NO ACTUALLY NO BILL SLICK WILLY CLINTON!!! I’ve loved him since I had a kind of confusing crush on him when I was like eight (that has lasted til the present day). From the look on her face Lena Dunham feels the same way. I feel bad for the young girls of 2000 – 2008 because they really never had the opportunity to have a conflicting presidential crush. I like to think even the people who like GWBush didn’t LIKE him-like him.

T: EXCUSE ME?! BILLY C?! WHAT THIS IS AMAZING. STANDING O FOR THE GREATEST PRESIDENT IN OUR LIFETIME. Next to Obama.

M: I know you can’t see this in the post, but Traci and I both stopped typing as Clinton was talking because he is a man you respect. And because he’s so dreamy oh my goodness.

T: I mean I actually stood up and started clapping, that’s why I stopped typing.

M: By the way, I was probably too dumb to understand Lincoln but It did make me  wish I had a sidekick who made folksy, apt anecdotes to explain situations like Abe.

T: I CANNOT with Kristen Wyeg and Will FARrell. JK, this is the SNL portion of the show. This is like Garth and Kat times a million. I am actually crying with laughter.

M: If you’re reading this in the future (“the future” being like 1/14 or later) please find a clip of Wiig and Farrell presenting. So so funny.

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical
T: Jennifer Lawrence
M: Judi Dench
WINNER: JENNIFER FREAKIN LAWRENCE

M: I like Jennifer Lawrence winning more than I like being right about who won. She just joked about beating Meryl and I love her. Also she refers to her brothers being “mean to her, yet really supportive and loving,” which is pretty much the story of having older brothers, am I right?

T: Ok and now I’m crying because I’m so happy for her! Just the absolute greatest. No one else can say they beat Meryl and still be lovable about it!

T: JKras and KBell together?! My heart swoons to be between those two.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Miniseries or Motion Picture Made for Television
T: Mandy Patinkin
M: Ed Harris
WINNER: John McCain Ed Harris

M: Megan Fox’s face looks like it’s sculpted out of really fancy candle wax. The good kind, like the stuff they made those wizard candles out of at those mall kiosks in the mid-90s.

Best Supporting Actress:
T: Anne Hathaway
M: Sally Field
WINNER: Anne Hathaway’s ugly crying.

T: ANNE HATHAWAY JUST SAID “BLERG” 30 Rock shoutout!! AND Princess Diaries shoutout!? Ok, Anne Hathaway, you can keep this award.

M: She also just referenced the Princess of Genovia. I love Hathaway.

T: Surprise mingling: Adele and Jennifer Gardner. It’s a small room, so maybe the Afflecks will run into the Lopez-Smart contingent? The night is still young.

M: Maybe they’re talking about their babies and Garner is bragging that hers all have NAMES.

Best Screenplay
T: Silver Linings Playbook
M:Argo
WINNER: Django Unchained

T: Ugh, Quentin Tarantino I wasn’t suspecting you to get this either. So over you. I’ve actually stopped listening.

M: Again, we didn’t see this movie. But from what I hear, ¾ of the screenplay is just the direction [guy shoots other guy].

M: Jeremy Irons is wearing quite the frock-coat.
T: SCAR! Oh sorry, Jeremy Irons.

M: I think it’s about time to bring Tina and Amy back out. Anyone wanna bet what Billy Clinton is doing right now? Greenroom eating some vegan stuff? Mingling with everybody? Stealing my heart?

Best Actor, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Louis C.K.
M: Louis C.K.
WINNER: Don Cheadle.

T: Come awwnn. I’m not doing that well on my ballot anymore… the HFPA always throws a curveball. So weird.

M: Every time I hear “Matt Blank” I think someone is just trying to Ellis Island-ize Matt LeBlanc.

T: Remember when Arnold was the governor of the state I live in? And what happened to Rocky’s neck/lack of neck?

M: Holy crap it’s like his head is held on by his shirt collar.

Best Foreign Language Film
T: Amour
M:Amour
WINNER: Amour

M: We have reached the point in the evening where I look at the categories left and think that the show couldn’t possibly take another hour and a half, let alone run long. And yet…

T: They should have specifically put subtitles up for this category alone.

M: I feel like I SHOULD like Lea Michele but I just don’t. Also she’s so so tan. Her entire body looks like when 12-year-old girls try to wear bronzer and layer it too much.

T: Rachel Berry is pulling her best Angelina Jolie right now. And it’s not working.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Claire Danes
M: Claire Danes
WINNER:Claire Danes

M: In case you didn’t feel inferior to her already, Claire Danes won a Golden Globe at 15. Is she drunk a little?

T: Glenn Close looks like she’s crying for her loss. Also, Claire why do you have raccoon eyes? Maybe that’s why Glenn Close is upset. Stop trying to make jokes Claire. It’s not funny. Remember the Emmys? Your ‘holla’ was not funny then either.

M: Claire Danes is drunk a little.

T: Definitely drunk a little: Sacha Baron Cohen. Calling Russell Crowe out!! Ballsy. We so called this when we liveblogged it.

Best Animated Film
T: Rise of the Guardians
M: Brave
WINNER: Brave

M: I was watching Brave (for the second time…) with my nephews last week and one of them said that I’m like Merida (read: red-haired), but that I “would need to get married.” And I was like what is wrong with you, you missed the ENTIRE point of the movie. Then he suggested that I could marry his dad, except he’s already married. Yeah, kid. Married and also my BROTHER.

T: Ballot regret: Choosing a winner in permanent ink but immediately having qualms over the pick. You can file Brave under Ballot Regret.

M: Which Downton lady is wearing the giant turban? The camera didn’t linger long enough.

T: I totally forgot about Julian Fellowes’s lady friend that wears the turban. ^to answer your question^

M: I was about to ask where they’ve been hiding Fey and Poehler but the next category explains it:

Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical
T: Amy Poehler
M: Amy Poehler
WINNER: Lena Dunham

M: I LOVE love Girls, but I’m not sure about this. She kind of reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld in that she’s the brain behind the series, but I don’t necessarily see her as a great actress.

T: Girls is the best (slash omg it comes back tonight!). Major props to Lena, and I think I’m ok with her winning over Amy and Tina. I usually hate when people bring up speeches, but that was really sweet. In fact, I’m tearing up a little. She plays every role (actress, writer, director, producer) on the show, so well deserved. But can someone in the press room get her new shoes tho?

M: However, Dunham is stealing my heart here with her shaking hands. I think the short hair really works on her, never noticed her eyes before really.

T: I feel like it’s been AGES since Tamy (tina/Amy) have been out on the stage! But so worth the wait though. If that’s Glenn Close wasted, I don’t want to know what she’s like on drugs (or maybe I do).

T: Sidenote, if Tina dances with Glenn at a party tonight, I want to be there. No, but really, how do I get invited to a Golden Globes after party?

M: No pressure but if you crash one we’ll probably get internet famous and if you don’t crash one you’re ruining my life.

T: Is Jodie Foster old enough to get this award? The last three people to win it were Martin Scorsese, Robert DeNiro, and Morgan Freeman. I mean, good company, but … really? Oh she just said she’s 50. Ok. Still not old enough.

M: I hope this doesn’t mean that Jodie Foster is secretly terminally ill. Else she should have 30-50 more years of lifetime. What if she stops achieving after this? (I would)

M: This ENTIRE show was brought to you by SNL (See Foster’s Sally O’Malley impression).

T: I knew it Jodie Foster, you were trying to be funny. But it didn’t work. Oh lesbians.

M: Did EVERYONE start swearing at once? The audio was gone for like 30 seconds.

M: So Jodie Foster’s announcement is that she’s not Honey Boo Boo child? I know, I know. You will NEVER be as majestic as one Alanna Thompson.

T: If this speech is supposed to make me like you more, it’s not working.

M: She’s drunk or she meant for this to happen. I don’t know which one to choose to believe. I presume they can’t cut you off in a lifetime achievement speech. I take this back if she is dying because is that what she was saying – re “never being on any stage again?” And everyone in the audience is weeping and I have NO CLUE what’s going on. And she closed with calling herself lonely. That was so sad and I don’t even know what just happened.

T: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier, but Tumblr came to the rescue in the gif department. Here’s the Adele/Daniel Craig gif I requested earlier!!!

Best Director
T: Ben Affleck
M: Steven Spielberg
WINNER: Ben Affleck

T: SUCK ON THAT, OSCARS. BEN AFFLECK FTW!!! Everyone’s standing because Hollywood loves him. Except maybe J Lo.

T: SHUT UP JAY LENO. YOU’RE THE WORST. I JUST WANT JIMMY.

Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical
T: Girls
M: Girls
WINNER: Girls

M: SO HAPPY!

T: Oh geez they’re making Lena walk again. Just take the shoes off. I do adore the group hug the ‘Girls’ had.

M: Lena Dunham: “Do you guys want to make any sounds?” I love that cast. I also didn’t recognize Allison Williams at first.

T: Where’s Leo? Probs drinking his sorrows away with Kate in a secret bar at the Hilton.

T: One more thing about Girls, I am so pleased that Lena and co. were presented with the award by Jimmy Fallon, who Lena had a crush on throughout her formative years. Watch her fangirl to him when she appeared on his show for the first time. She wrote a play about him!!!

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical
T: Hugh Jackman
M: Bradley Cooper
WINNER: Hugh Jackman

M: I stand by what I said before about Jackman’s Ron Swanson hair. In addition, I think he’s using the same body bronzer as Lea Michele.

T: I secretly hoped it would be B Coop to win this, but Jean Van Jean was just no match. Any other year, I think he would have won this. Also, this means that he probs won’t win the Oscar. Prove me wrong, Academy.

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical
T: Les Miserables
M: Silver Linings Playbook
WINNER: Les Miserables

M: Hathaway CHRIST you can’t just thank people willy-nilly.

T: Fantine is already drunk. WTF just happened to you.

M: You’re right, she’s wasted.

T: I really just want to watch Silver Linings Playbook again. If you haven’t seen it, get on it. Even if you have no idea what it’s about.

M: Agreed, I would absolutely see that again. Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were both just amazing.

Best Actress, Drama
T: Jessica Chastain
M: Jessica Chastain
WINNER: Jessica Chastain

M: If you haven’t seen Zero Dark 30, do. Chastain was incredible.

T: Literally just said “Awwww” outloud to Jessica Chastain’s win. I haven’t even seen Zero Dark Thirty. She just looks like a nice girl

M: She looks like someone I know and I can’t place who. I mean other than Amy Adams. Again, they really don’t look alike but I can only tell the difference when they are side by side. I’m the same way with Coke and Diet Coke.

M: Annnnd there go my first real tears of the night. Still can’t believe Kathryn Bigelow wasn’t nominated for an Oscar.

Best Actor, Drama
T: Daniel Day-Lewis
M: Daniel Day-Lewis
WINNER: Daniel Day-Lewis

M: Traci, I think we’re more right when we agree with each other.

T: ^Fact.
Olympics reference! I had no idea DD-L was a jokster.

M: I can’t un-see Abraham Lincoln in DD-L’s face now. But it’s weird not hearing him in that old-timey Midwestern accent, right?

T: Julia! She totes said “Drama” like Derek from Happy Endings.

Best Motion Picture, Drama
T: Argo
M:Argo
WINNER:Argo

M: I love the people they choose to show after a win is announced. Sean Combs?

T: arGOO! (ugh, sorry). This is a great win. I haven’t seen this movie either, but I enjoy Ben Affleck, so WTG. Also, hey Walter White. Forgot you were in this movie.

M: Poehler: “We’re going home with Jodie Foster!”

T: Me: I wanna go home with Tina and Amy.

M: But not Jodie Foster. She was kind of a downer. Not to mention confusing. I think she’ll be a crying drunk girl later. And I don’t think she even WATCHES Honey Boo Boo.

Traci final score: 15 out of 25

Molly final score: 12 out of 25.

Thanks for reading everyone! We had a blast. Join us next time when we live blog our BFF dance party with Tina, Amy, and Glenn Close.