The (Half-Assed) Juice Cleanse Diaries

In my four years living in Los Angeles, this is probably one of the most LA things I’ve done. Because the stereotype is true, a lot of people here are obsessed with being healthy, which means if you go out to a lot of restaurants, you’ll see the words ‘vegetarian’, ‘vegan’, ‘gluten-free’, ‘soy’, ‘probably completely inedible’ etc. One of the most popular trends is the juice cleanse. You’ll hear a lot of people talking about how they’re “juicing” this week, or getting “green drink” from Whole Foods or whatever.

So the reasons I decided to try the juice cleanse is threefold:
1) I was genuinely curious to see what all the fuss was about
2) I thought the idea of cleansing your body of toxins (and maybe losing some weight) seemed like a good pro.
3) I like a good challenge that involves consuming items

For about four consecutive years during my youth, I participated in something called the 30 Hour Famine, which was a fundraising event for children less fortunate in third world countries. Basically you only drink water and juices for 30 hours, while participating in activities and a sleepover with your pals. So I figured if I could get through that (and think it really wasn’t as bad as it sounded), how difficult it be to only drink fruit & vegetable juices for 3 days?

Ok so herein lies the problem: JUICING IS EXPENSIVE. I’m talking the pre-made, ready to drink juices that are made by juice cleanse companies. The company I decided to go with, Suja Juice, was the least expensive of the four or five brands I researched, and each bottle is $8.99. HELLO?! No wonder I usually only see celebrities doing it.

So I decided to cut my cleanse from 3 days to 2. And from 6 juices a day to 2 plus 2 mini juices (so, 4 for you non-math majors).

THIS IS PROBABLY NOT HOW YOU SHOULD DO THIS. I REPEAT DO NOT FOLLOW MY LEAD, I AM NOT A SPOKESPERSON FOR JUICING.

That being said, I survived so everything came out fine, so I mean if you do do what I did, you’ll probs be okay.

Anyways, here are some notes I took during my 2 day juice bender, and maybe it’ll make up your mind on this trend.

Pre-Cleanse

I went to my local Whole Foods to purchase said juice, but turns out they didn’t even have all the available flavors. So I chose the four that sounded the tastiest, and then four called Suja Elements which I believe are supposed to be taken as supplements. Luckily, this woman who worked there saw me purchasing all this juice and gave me a coup for $5 off! Still expensive. but grateful.

The day/night before you’re supposed to alkalize your body for the cleanse, but eating stuff like lettuce and non processed foods. I did not do this. I took this opportunity as a last meal situation and had fish and rice, just like my Filipino ancestors. I also had food I knew I needed to eat because I was doing this cleanse four days before leaving for vacation so I needed to eat things that were perishable. I mean I didn’t need to but I had wasting perfectly good food. I should’ve probably abided by the rules.

Day 1

Photo Oct 21, 9 55 32 AM

1:01pm

First juice of the day, again this is probably not how you should do it, but whatever it’s fine, I drank plenty of water before 1pm.

Juice #1

Fuel: Carrots, Orange, Apple, Pineapple, Lemon and Turmeric
Surprisingly good. Still tastes like carrot, which I think is odd, but the fruits in there make it taste much better.
Here’s a more accurate description: This juice tastes like Jamba Juice smells.

2:30pm

I may or may not have just fell asleep at my desk… that may have to do more with the fact that I’m tired as opposed to the fact I haven’t had solid food… TBD.

3:30pm

You know what helps when you’re doing a half-ass juice cleanse? Water. I love water. Water is my jam. Give me water and I’m a happy gal. Am I delirious?

5:30pm

Juice #2

Suja Elements – Mango Fuego: Apple, mango, banana, baobab, ginger, serrano chili, lime, pink Himalayan salt, camu camu
This is absolutely delicious. Like a liquid mango.

7:14pm

I’m at work trolling on FB and just saw sweet potato tater tots and I think drool actually came out of my mouth. I miss food.

9:04pm

Juice #3

Purify: Carrots, Apple, Celery, Cucumber, Beet and Lemon

 Dinner is served. Ok so this actually taste like I’m drinking vegetables. There’s a reason why I didn’t get the green juice.

10:04pm

I never realized how often people post pictures of food until now. It’s like taunting me. Unavoidable taunting.

10:20pm

Seriously considering eating some lettuce right now. It’s allowed y’all. So is avocado. But by itself. Who eats avocado on its own? Like just straight up avocado without putting it on a chip or toast or something. I need to know how these people do it. Well, they probably don’t eat at all. I decide to not eat at all.

10:30pm

Downloaded Katy Perry’s new album and she has a song called Birthday and talks about cake. She most likely doesn’t mean cake in the literal sense, but still I CAN’T ESCAPE FOOD.

10:45pm

Look on Suja website. Apparently dizziness can occur. You know what else can occur? Irritability. Thank God I don’t have to interact with too many humans today. Tomorrow is a different story.

11:01pm

Juice #4

Berryoxident: Apple, orange, strawberry, banana, raspberry, tart cherry, chia seed, flax seed, baobab, camu camu, acai

Last drink of the day! There’s something called camu camu and baobab in here and I’m hoping an exotic plant doesn’t start growing in my stomach.

On second thought,  I think I might start growing camu camu and baobab in my backyard. Can you grow these things? I don’t even have a backyard. Forget I said all that.

Day 2

Photo Oct 22, 10 39 08 AM
12:00pm

Juice #1

Glow: Apples, Celery, Cucumber, Spinach, Collard leaves, Kale leaves and Mint

Photo Oct 22, 11 53 37 AM

I had time to stop at Whole Foods before work so I decided to go and grab another juice. Except here’s the problem – I FORGOT THIS WHOLE FOODS WAS HUGE AND HAD AHUGE BUFFET SECTION AND SUSHI AND BREAD AND COFFEE AND FOOOOODD. I got the juice and ran out.

The green juice was actually not as bad as I thought, so I suggest folks who are wary of green veggies in liquid form should start with this.

1:40pm

Apparently having gum or a mint is discouraged in this cleanse because it contains ‘chemicals’ so my apologies to anyone who has to smell my kale spinach celery breath rn. Which is no one.

3:30pm

Juice #2

Spark: Lemon, Strawberries, Raspberries, Tart cherries, Honey, Stevia and Cayenne

Okay this is the first one I’ve actually am struggs to get through. There is cayenne pepper in it. CAYENNE PEPPER. That’s the shit used for like lemon cleanse and it has the worst aftertaste. It’s like my throat is on fire. Like little spikes coming in through my esophagus. Drinking it faster doesn’t help either. bahhh.

Also, there’s Stevia in it. Breaking Bad fans: note I didn’t die. Basically I risked my life for this friggin juice cleanse.

4:01pm

You know, I think I’ve finally gotten over that hungry for food aspect. The Suja site says the first day is usually the worst, and I can attest to that. It’s not that I’m hungry, since I’m having a lot of juice (and if I did it the real way, I would have way more juice), it’s that need to like chew. I haven’t even chewed or had solid food in my mouth in over 24 hours. Weird.

5:50pm

Juice #3

Suja Elements – 24 Karat: Carrot, apple, orange, pineapple, peach, banana

Drinking this after that cayenne disaster is like drinking a delish chaser after being forced to take a shot of jack daniels. I cannot express how horrible feeling that cayenne was, guys.

7:30pm

Remember food?

9:35pm

Ah, so here’s the ultimate test: I’m at my friend’s apartment to watch the Halloween episode of Pretty Little Liars and there are so many delicious snacks within mere inches from me. Like homemade chocolate peanut butter bars and chicken tortilla bowl apps and halloween candy and wine and I just sat there watching the PLLs do a horrible crossover with Ravenswood and drink my dinner juice.

Juice #4

Vanilla Cloud: Coconut, honey, Almonds, Cinnamon, Vanilla and Nutmeg

I was looking forward to this one the most, mainly because it was more dessert like than fruit or vegetable, but it was meh. It was more nutty than I thought and I could really taste the almonds. That being said, it was still good, but could be a tad sweeter.

12:35am

I have one juice left and I’m home free!! Please note that I work from 12pm to 8pm, so my sleep schedule is usually a little later than most. I still probs shouldn’t be consuming anything this late, but I figure I should get in the last one while I can.

Suja Elements – Blutrients: Apple, blueberry, blackberry, banana, chia seed, pomegranate, acai, chlorella, baobab, camu camu

Yum yum yum. Ew. What am I even saying anymore. IDK. Basically this was really good, and I’m glad I ended the cleanse with this and not Vanilla Cloud.

Conclusion

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I suppose I felt a little better – clean? – at the end of it, but again, I didn’t really follow all the rules. I would probably do it again, but the real 6 juice cleanse in order, and since I’ve had this experience, I think I could make it 3 days. Should you do this cleanse? I don’t think it’s completely necessary to do any type of cleanse, just eat healthy. But if you’re up for a challenge, try this one out. Like I said, you’re consuming a lot of juice throughout the day, so it’s not that bad. It’s also not as bad as just drinking lemon juice and cayenne pepper all day. But hey, what do I know, I’m the person who half-assed a juice cleanse just to save money.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The (Half-Assed) Juice Cleanse Diaries

  1. Pingback: Saturday Spotlight: On-Topic | cookies + sangria

  2. Pingback: ICYMI: How to NOT Do Cleanses | cookies + sangria

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s