Well, this one’s going to get me kicked off the internet: I’ve never seen Doctor Who. That is probably the most incendiary thing I’ll ever write here, at least until I get around to penning I’m Just Not That Into Mr. Darcy, And Other Jane Austen Opinions Nobody Asked For, or Macarons: Not That Delicious. As in What I Think Happens In Game Of Thrones (I Don’t Watch It), I haven’t abstained from this show because I think it’s bad. I haven’t watched it because:
- I’m not sure where to start. One of the things I think I know about Doctor Who is that it’s been on forever and there have been a bunch of different Doctors Who. If I start at the wrong place, am I doomed to hate it?
- A lot of people I know are fans. So if I don’t like it, I will take it to the grave.
- Also, I always feel bad when I don’t like a show, even though I realize that David Tennant and co. won’t be crushed if Molly From The Internet isn’t a fan.
- I reflexively stay away from anything with aliens. I watched a lot of Unsolved Mysteries as a kid and was terrified that I could be scooped up at any moment. [There was an admittedly half-assed abduction attempt around this time, and I just now realized I probably had a misplaced fear of humans scooping me up at any moment? Who knows.]
I’m sure I will watch a few episodes at some point. But before I do, I want to get down what I THINK happens in the show so I can laugh at it later … and you can all laugh at it now.
- If you aren’t from North America, it looks like normal tv from a regular channel. If you are from North America, it looks like cable access or maybe Wishbone episodes from the late 90s.
- Doctor Who is an alien who can look like anything, but who always chooses to look like a British man.
- He has a sidekick, who he calls a “companion” like he’s Aunt March and somebody has to read him the Gospel Of Luke at Plumfield.
- The companion could also technically be anyone, but in practice is always a young, attractive British woman.
- For a while his companion is that one blonde girl who’s like British Tyra Collette.
- He has a mission. Helping people, probably? Sounds fake.
- When Doctors Who quit, they just get a new one and they’re like “no, it’s still the same guy inside, but he’s an alien who turned into a different attractive but not hunky-attractive, wry but not smarmy British man, don’t worry.” And nobody does.
- No. I think blue.. Police booth? I can picture it.
- Like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
- I haven’t been to England for 8 years, but I definitely saw a billion red phone booths and zero police booths, so I’m not sure how incognito that is.
- I think sometimes there’s time travel. Why am I not watching this again?
- The spaceship is called Tardis and no, I have no clue what that means. Tennant And Regular Dudes In Space?
- There’s sometimes a big Christmas episode. But I bet it airs on Boxing Day. I just bet.
- I’m almost positive at some point there are dinosaurs.
- The special effects are reminiscent of Space Cases or Halloweentown.
- It’s not America, so sometimes they let unattractive people be on the show if they’re good at acting.
- It’s not America, so adult characters have parents who are actually 55+.
- I bet at some point they tried to do a social issue tie-in episode and it sucked.
- The series, though generally good, has a few episodes that are just notoriously, horribly bad.
- Is his companion called Poppy one time?
- He’s not a doctor. Not a medical doctor, anyway.
- The companion has to make up a series of increasingly implausible lies so her loved ones don’t find out.
- They don’t fall in love every time.
- But even when they’re not technically “in love” they totally are.
- Wait. Maybe every once in a while the sidekick/companion is a dude, like Robin to his Batman.
- The show has been on FOREVER. Like since the 1960s or ’70s, I think? But it took a break for a while and nobody watches the early years.
- Also, the Doctor was not so attractive until the more recent reboots.
- They must have catch phrases.
- There’s something like a Dilek.
- I know that isn’t the word exactly, but that IS the name of a girl who was friends with one of my college roommates, and it is something like that.
- Anyway. I have no clue what the Dilek is but the phrase my brain keeps going to is “bad guy spaceship.” I don’t think that’s right, though. It might be more like a friendly alien.
- Benedict Cumberbatch is not in Doctor Who. Tom Hiddleston is not in Doctor Who. Eddie Redmayne is not in Doctor Who. However, there’s a near-1:1 ratio of people who like this show and who like those guys. Which is why I always feel like they were in it.
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