Essential Programming At The Ginger Pride Festival

If you’re a redhead – or a ginger, as, in the immortal words of Tim Minchin, only a ginger can call another ginger ginger – somebody has probably already told you about the Ginger Pride Festival. I somehow only got word of it in the past month, and while I will absolutely not be attending, I think I could lend a hand … an ice-cold, pale, freckled hand. I’m not sure what they have planned, but as far as I’m concerned the following features and programming are essential:

Sunscreen Booths

In the same way that Port-a-Potties are included in the price of music festival admissions, sunscreen should be available without extra charge. Booths can offer bottles of sunscreen, or maybe a sunscreen spray-mister. It goes without saying that they will have that unscented, sensitive skin kind that they make for babies with allergies. You know, for those of us whose eyes water and skin burns at adult sunscreen. What can I say, we are not a robust people.

Night Time Pool Party, Volleyball Tournament, and Kickball Competition

Honestly, maybe just skip the outdoor programming altogether during peak Skin Cancer Hours.

“Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like…” Contest

How is it possible for one person to look like Little Orphan Annie, Christina Hendricks and Jessica Chastain? It isn’t. But if you have red hair, people will tell you that you look like every other ginger, famous or not. In this contest, prizes are awarded for both the person who looks the most like the ginger celeb they’re told they resemble, as well as the person who least resembles their would-be doppelgänger.

Is this Conan O’Brien, or me in 1990? WHO COULD EVEN TELL?

The Burning of Carrot Top in Effigy

He has done such damage to our people’s reputation.

Booths From Ginger-Friendly Dentists And Anesthesiologists

It’s weird but it’s true: redheads require higher doses of anesthetics and pain blockers. When I was getting stitches a few years ago, I eventually pretended that I was numb after 5 shots of local anesthetic so they would get on with it. A redhead-sensitive medical professional could make a pretty penny from all these coppers.

By the way, red hair is caused by a mutation on the melanocortin-1 receptor (MC1r), and the anesthesia thing seems to be linked to the same mutation. But I’m sure you were called “mutant” enough as a child that this isn’t a surprise. The bonus is that we have higher pain tolerance in general – I’m the only person I know who described tattoos over bone as “tickle-y.”

Live Maury Povich Taping: Ginger Pride Festival Edition

Another troublesome effect of that wily MC1R mutation: it can crop up out of nowhere. A random ginger kid showing up in a brown or blonde family has caused scores of parents and children to question parentage. But Maury Povich is on the case, telling yellow- and brown- haired dads that they ARE the father, after all.

Ginger Makeup Demonstrations

Redheads are overlooked in the cosmetics industry. I can’t tell you how many times I came home with the lightest concealer or foundation, only to find that it still overpowered my see-through skin. And if you want to cover up freckles, forget it: advice ranges from “embrace them!” (if that’s what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t be Googling it) to “use a foundation in between the color of your freckles and your regular skin” (yes, I’m sure plastering my face in a color between dark brown and paper-white would make everything blend right in). Also, my kingdom for someone who can show me how to wear a strong eye or lip without looking like a clown. With redhead-friendly cosmetic vendors and live makeup tutorials, I think the world – or at least the mirror – could be a prettier place for gingers.

Caveat: darker-skinned, brown-eyed redheads do seem to look more like humans in makeup.

Round Table: Not All In The Family

A group therapy/gripe session for all those ginger couples who have to deal with the constant assumption that they’re siblings.

Fake Redheads And You

Are you flattered by their imitation hair color, or do you feel like they didn’t earn their place on our team? Do you call anyone a ginger if their hair is currently red, or do they have to be born with it? And do you have a superhuman ability to suss out a fake ginger, scoffing at the Normies who always seem shocked that someone with olive skin and brown eyebrows is a dyer? We have a lot to discuss.

Confronting Stereotypes

It’s enough to make you angry – but it probably doesn’t, because we are TOTALLY NOT ALL HOTHEADS, right? Great. This panel will include such stereotype-defiers as a non-Irish redhead, a chill ginger, a lady redhead who isn’t creeped out by guys with a ginger fetish, a tan ginger, and an actual redheaded stepchild (who is beloved and cherished).

Eyebrow Game

In a world where “brow game strong” and “brows on fleek” (…ugh) are plastered across social media, come commiserate with your comrades who have red hair but inexplicably clear eyebrows. And if you try to color them in with auburn pencil, forget it: you just look like a leprechaun. No matter how you play the brow game, redheads lose every time.