2017 is over, and not a day too soon. None of these things actually happened in 2017, but we are entirely willing top believe that they could have:
Omarosa signed a book deal to write a tell-all titled, “The Whitest House: An African-American Woman’s Inside Look At The Trump Administration”
Number one search on Google was “Who is Bitcoin?”
ABC announces the reboot of ALF, but this time with ALF’s long-lost son, Stuart.
3 Doors Down named “National Band of the United States” following their performance at the inauguration.
Millie Bobby Brown and Finn Wolfhard reveal they’ve secretly been dating IRL for the past 4 months.
Dennis Rodman is appointed U.S. Ambassador to North Korea.
President chastises Jordan Peele in an angry tweet, declaring Get Out one of the “worst, unpatriotic, unrealistic movies” he’s seen in years.
According to Fox News, 87% of Americans believe 78% of Americans are illegal Americans.
Britney Spears was among the celebrities who spoke in support of the resistance during the Women’s March in Washington D.C.
Apple introduces new iOS feature that uses blood recognition to unlock the phone. Think of it like a diabetes test just to access Venmo.
That little kid who ran into her dad’s interview with the BBC now has her own YouTube channel, specializing in unboxing new toys.
Someone named Diana Prince filed to run for senate in Ohio under the “Wonder Woman” party.
Maxine Waters’ “reclaiming my time” viral video was remixed and that guy now has his own reality show.
A short-lived cabinet member bore a striking resemblance to a mafia cat from the 1980s cartoon Oliver And Company. Memes for days.
After an envelope mix-up at the Independent Spirit Awards, the ceremony devolved into a full Yankee Swap. Moonlight ended up with Best Musical Or Comedy.
A week after the Prince Harry/ Meghan Markle engagement announcement, Hallmark and Lifetime aired hastily-made TV movies about the couple on the same night. The Hallmark one included Meghan’s lifelong obsession with Christmas, and ended as she helped Harry save his family’s small-town gingerbread shop. [It was actually the week’s scheduled Hallmark Hall of Fame production with new names dubbed in.]
Senate voted to approve a bill that would ban any school nurse funding from covering playground accidents; Dalton McMeyers (R-MS) explained that “those kids know what happens when you play.”
A full 2/3 of the people you know announced their pregnancy on either Valentine’s Day or July 4th by posting a picture of adult shoes next to tiny baby shoes. An Aunt in the comments did not understand what was happening.
A 22-year-old YouTube sensation, Huntyr Lee, earned viral fame for his Eclipse FAIL!! video. His retinas are entirely ruined.
In response to credible sexual abuse allegations against antique sitcom stars, Me TV has pulled 60% of its lineup. All that’s left is Honeymooners and spinoffs of All In The Family and I Love Lucy.
The hardest-hitting political journalism came from Disney Adventures and American Girl Magazine.
A 13-year-old girl in India invented a working time machine. A 44-year-old man in the U.S. used it to screw up the space-time continuum and caused… all of this. All of 2017.
The fattest and oldest guy on your favorite NFL, MLB or NBA team scored the game-winning points and it was awesome.
In a year with too much bad news, one of the top internet stars was the “gentle dog guy,” a guy gently reading to elderly dogs at a shelter. He’s like Mister Rogers for worried grownups.
The newest hot neighborhood in Manhattan is UnPaWaFro, which comes from Under-Pavement Water Front. The sewer. It’s the sewer. You can’t afford it.
A hip eatery in Norfolk, VA introduced Unicorn Lasagna: pastel-colored layers of pasta, cheese and meat.