No Way, Jose! Full House Facts We Missed As Kids

We were little when Full House was on. Like, Michelle Tanner-level little: the show began when we were one year old. That means that some facts about the Tanners slipped by us unquestioned – after all, what do kids know? Nothing. Practically nothing. But after rewatching the series as teens and adults, we picked up on a few factoids that blew our mind.

It’s time to wake up, San Francisco. The Tanner-inos weren’t who you thought:

Danny Tanner Was A Teen Father

Here’s what we saw in the episode The Big Three-O as children: an adult, who seems old, has a birthday and buys a car, because being an old adult is crappy but at least you’re old enough to buy cars.

Here’s what we saw in that episode once we got older: Danny Tanner is turning 30, which is our age. Danny Tanner is the father to a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 1 year old. That means that in all of the earlier episodes of the season, Danny was the 29-year-old father to those kids. And THAT means that Danny was a 19-year-old dad.

This was actually covered in the show. In Season 2’s “Luck Be A Lady,” we learn that Danny and Pam (Dam? Panny?) eloped at a young age. A young Jesse tweaked out and broke Danny’s ribs. Now, we don’t have time for a full rewatch, but Full House wiki says that Danny was twenty at the time. So, I believe we’re looking at a whole OTHER reason Jesse was so mad: his sister’s unwed teen pregnancy.

While Full House didn’t exactly lie about this fact, it doesn’t mesh with the depiction of Danny’s fratty college years. It’s also maddening that Danny could have finished college, landed an anchor job, bought some prime San Fran real estate and fathered three children by age 28 or so. He’s like an Old Economy Steve meme come to life.

Actually, About Danny Affording That House

San Francisco wasn’t quite as unaffordable in the 80s, but it was still pricey. Plus, a spacious, intact Victorian would have been in pretty high demand. This site has some comparables in the neighborhood: in the Full House era, Danny would likely have spent at least $400K. Then we look at TV anchor salaries: the average anchor – not exactly Danny’s job, but close enough – makes $83,000 in the present day. Danny would make more than the average being in a large market and being, for whatever reason, enough of a “draw” to have his own talk show with Aunt Becky. However, this was over 30 years ago. Let’s call it $70,000, which is being generous. Even translating both house and salaries to modern terms: there’s no way he afforded that house. There was no mention of whether Pam worked, as all we know about her is that she liked to smile.

Danny would have bought the home without knowing that other adults were going to be moving in. When you add in another TV host’s salary, an exterminator/ musician/ jingle guy / club owner salary (whatever that is), and Joey’s “comedy” bucks, maybe it’s a bit more doable. Still, Danny would have had to get a mortgage approval on his salary alone.

Morbid thought: there may have been a big settlement after Pam’s untimely death in a drunk driving accident, but we see her bring baby Michelle home to the Tanner’s house so we know they moved in before she died.

Roommates wanted. No childcare experience necessary. Must help raise children.

No shade: of course Danny needed a hand when Pam died. That said, your three girls are growing up without a mom so you get two new male roommates? Specifically your 24-year-old hard-partying (compared to Danny anyway) brother-in-law who doesn’t know how to hold a baby? And also whatever Joey is supposed to be? Basically a fourth child?

It worked out fine because everyone loved each other and didn’t need personal space, but damn. That was a gamble, Dan-o.

It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. As In, There Is Practically A Village’s Population In That House.

Danny. Jesse. Joey. DJ. Stephanie. Michelle. Becky. Nicky. Alex. NOT Vicky, the smartest broad on that show. Nine people. I know families that big (we went to Catholic school after all), but FOUR unrelated adults under one roof?! That is one full-ass house.

Not to mention, Jesse got married, moved his wife into the garret like she’s Sara Crewe and just got demoted to scullery maid, fathered TWO children, and made them live as attic-babies. They could have moved, but Michelle cried and the twinkly music came on so Jesse couldn’t do it. Come on, Jess. What would a Ripper do? I’m not clear on what a Ripper is but: probably not that. Be a Ripper, Jesse.

The Olsens Shared That Part the WHOLE DANG TIME

Just about every show casts twins in baby and toddler roles because they can’t work as many hours, plus if one baby is grumpy or sleepy you can just use the other munchkin. However, most shows recast the role when the kid gets to the talking years. They usually take this opportunity to age the kid by a couple years so they can do more stuff, too: see Growing Pains, Modern Family, and Step by Step. The Olsens were such a runaway success – it was a weird time, I know – that Full House kept them on. After a point it must have been so much more work than just using a single kid, but Michelle had the highest Q-rating on all of television (that’s true) – you don’t mess with that.

What do you bet the Nicky and Alex kids looked at MK&A like “get a grip, we are 5 years younger than you and do TWICE the job.”

Danny’s OCD is Legit

I grew up with a friend whose parents kept their home spotless. It was as if no one ever lived there. I specifically remember them vacuuming every single day. I also saw Danny Tanner cleaning his spacious intact, Victorian house all the time on TV. I didn’t think much of it then, because it seemed normal to me. But despite the fact we can all appreciate our homes being clean and livable, it wasn’t until later that I realized Danny was actually obsessed with cleaning and maybe in a non-healthy way. As a self-proclaimed “neat freak”, Danny was shown constantly tidying up, like the kind of paranoia where he would clean his rubber gloves. Actually, come to think of it, Danny Tanner is the pre-cursor to Monica Geller, who literally vacuumed her own vacuum.

On top of that, he would get insane about his insane cleaning, as witness in S5, E22 – The Trouble with Danny. Spring Cleaning is orgasmic to Danny, and he assigns each member of the house a specific duty. Can you imagine if your parent did this IRL? You would think he/she is cuckoo banana pants. In the ep, Danny overhears the rest of his family bitching about his strict cleaning regimen and decides he needs to let loose more. This could not have gone any worse, since he goes off the deep end and goes off to the mountains on a donkey named Norman. When he comes back to the house, he’s covered in dust and drinking out of the milk carton and hell has frozen over in the Tanner home. Eventually, the gang apologizes and Danny says he’s going to try to find a balance between the two extremes. But does he? Nope. Case in point – OCD.

Joey’s Questionable Comedy Career

As evidenced by the posters of iconic entertainers like the Marx Brothers on Joey’s wall, he is a comedian. He is a fan of comedy. We were reminded of this throughout the series with his constant “jokes”, literally providing comic relief both in the house and for the viewer at home. I don’t remember if I personally ever found his comedy funny, but I do remember the folks in the audience thinking he was hysterical. But now, it just seems like he’s a cartoon of a stand-up comic, who’s overacting just to get a laugh. This is a man whose arsenal of impressions include but Bullwinkle, Pee-Wee Herman, and Popeye, all of which are fine, but more importantly, not funny. Joey is like Bobby Moynihan’s character in Sisters – he fancies himself a hilarious comedian who is a never-ending bit machine, but can barely get a chuckle out of anyone who’s close enough to hear him. It’s not until he accidentally snorts cocaine that he becomes truly funny, so what I’m saying is here, Joey, take up cocaine and as for your comedy – cut it out.

Jesse Katsopolis is the Kirk Gleason of San Francisco

We all know that being a rocker is not a steady job, which is why if you’re not someone like Beyonce or even an American Idol finalist, you need a back-up plan. For Jesse, he always wanted to be a musician. He initially was expected to take on his father’s extermination business, but that got squashed in season one. Then he enters the advertising business with Joey, because being a comedian is also not a super stable job, and they create an agency called JJ Creative Services, which includes making up jingles for ads (it actually kind of makes sense – music + corny comedy = TV ad jingles). They they get into being radio DJs for a show called Rush Hour Renegades, and finally Jesse becomes the owner of The Smash Club, a nightclub that probably the hippest place in town because it’s all ages and bands like Stephanie’s I Saw The Sign group play there all the time. Plus, he’s the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers (who are huge in Japan) .Not to mention he’s got the job of being a father to twins. That’s a lot. You know who else had a lot of jobs throughout the run of a TV series? Kirk from Gilmore Girls. And even weirder – like Jesse Cochran-turned-Katsopolis, Kirk was initially Mick in the first ep he was ever on. Maybe they’re related or BFFs in an alternate universe.

Why Do Grown Ass Men Hate Kimmy

Kimmy’s not the easiest pill to swallow. She makes it easy to make fun of her with her quirky antics and stinky feet. But when you’re a man in your 30s helping to raise three children, and one of those kid’s best friends lives next door and is at your house all the time, maybe don’t make fun of her all the time? Danny, Jesse and Joey are constantly taking swipes at Kimmy as if they’re in elementary school and they’re picking on the nerdy girl in class. Is it for comic relief? Yes. Is it subconsciously the guys accepting Gibbler as one of their own (only you can make fun of your family, etc.)? Maybe. Still not ok.