Author Archives: Molly

Anne Of Green Gables 2013

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Let’s talk about Canadian television. I lived in a border city for 3 years, and spent some quality time with Canadian TV. It’s mostly made up of American shows, hockey, people talking about hockey, Tim Hortons commercials, snow – just, like, programming about snow, because Canada has so damn much of it, and people who generally look all healthy and financially secure and smug because they all have health care. Every once in a while, you get a Degrassi in there. The piece de resistance of Canadian television is the 1985 CBC adaptation of Anne of Green Gables.

As a dramatic, bookish redheaded child, I was more or less obligated to love Anne of Green Gables. If you loved her, too, you will remember a few things about her. She was an orphan who always had her head in the clouds, she was outspoken but always meant well, and — oh yeah, she lived in the 18-fucking-hundreds or something. So when I heard that Canadian TV was adapting Anne of Green Gables to a modern setting, I was a little confused. None of the plotlines even make sense in 2013. Clearly, a couple tweaks are in order. Frankly, I don’t think Tim Hortons will even sponsor this mess.

Here’s what will happen if Canada brings Anne Shirley to the new millennium:

Matthew and Marilla are the worst people ever

The entire premise of Anne of Green Gables falls apart when you move it to this millennium. In the 1908 novel by Lucy Maud Montgomery, Matthew and Marilla order a boy from the orphanage in order to help Matthew with the farm work. They end up with Anne instead. In 2013, buying children to do manual labor is pretty illegal. An 11-year-old girl going to stay with elderly siblings who live together – because they buy her to do work – wouldn’t test well with today’s audiences. I think the only thing they could do is have Anne come from some sort of foster care situation, which would work with the prejudice ol’ Rachel Lynde has against her. Still, though, the show wouldn’t work if Marilla’s this warm, fuzzy older lady who just wants to help an underprivileged girl succeed. She sort of has to be a brittle church-hag who tried to buy a little boy for chores.

Bath Salts Are The New Raspberry Cordial

Remember when Anne invited Diana over for tea, then accidentally got Diana drunk on raspberry cordial, then they weren’t allowed to be friends for a while? Most parents still wouldn’t like the kid who got their daughter drunk, but I think raspberry cordial has lost some shock value in the intervening hundred years. It even sounds like an old-timey refreshment you’d have at tea-time. Nowadays, to get the same punch Anne would have to come across bath salts, sprinkle it on some food, then be all surprised when Diana goes on a drug-induced face-eating rampage. Or, Diana would have an allergy attack and Anne would mix up Zyrtec with Xanax and get Diana all spacey. You got to admit, for such a smart girl Anne could be a little dense sometimes.

“Carrots” Isn’t Really An Insult Anymore

You’ll remember that Anne and Gilbert’s hate-to-tolerance-to-friendship-to-love trajectory began with Gilbert mockingly referring to Anne as “carrots.” In 2013, any teen girl would be like “that’s all you got, Gil?”. In the modern adaptation, instead of calling Anne carrots, Gilbert’s going to set up a Facebook page called “Anne Shirley is a Fire Crotch,” and it’s going to get 300 likes in the first day. Anne won’t smash a slate over his head, she’ll create an unflattering gif set of Gilbert and post it to her tumblr. Josie Pye likes Gil’s page, obviously, because in 2013 as in 1890, Josie Pye is a freaking bitch.

Prissy Andrews and Mr. Phillips? Hello, Sweeps Month Drama

100 years ago, the weird moon-eyes Prissy used to make over Mr. Phillips was supposed to mean that she was a horrible suck-up who would probably marry him after she graduated at 16 or whatever. In 2013, it still means that Prissy is a horrible suck-up who will probably marry Mr. Phillips when she drops out at 16 or whatever (or 18 – not sure of the law there). However, it also means that Mr. Phillips is a total pedophile, which explains why he was so damn creepy. For a 3-episode arc, Anne of Green Gables will become a legal drama as they sort this whole mess out.

Green Hair Dye: Unlikely

Hardly anyone’s given me shit about having red hair, and the dozen-ish times that it has happened it didn’t bother me. So, I don’t think that a 2013 Anne Shirley would be so distraught over her auburn locks that she’d buy hair dye from a peddler and turn it green. I’m thinking she’d be more likely to lose her hair in a knockoff keratin treatment attempt. If the producers want to have a Very Special Episode, maybe Anne could get hooked on bootleg diet drugs or get a suspicious mole excised because she’d been tanning away her redhead complexion. After 100 years, teen girls are still trying wacky things to look better, but I think that carroty hair would be the least of Anne’s concerns.

Puffed sleeves are SO 1908

Anne waited years to be old enough to wear puffed sleeves. Like many young readers, I wondered what exactly that meant but imagined it to be the most beautiful sleeve configuration possible. Then, I saw the movie, and was horrified by these sleeves that looked like they were stuffed with wadded-up shopping bags and cribbed from a 1980s bridesmaid dress. I don’t know what the modern answer to puffed sleeves would be — something that’s considered too grown-up for a young girl, and which looks absolutely ridiculous. Is it half-shirts, now that those are back?

Anne Shirley is now 45 years old

As far as I’m concerned, Megan Follows is the only Anne Shirley. Since nothing about a modern-day Anne of Green Gables makes sense, I don’t see why we need to be all accurate and have a 13-year-old in the role. Let’s just stick with Follows. There may as well be something good in this whole debacle.

Matthew doesn’t die

If we can move Anne of Green Gables to 2013, we can do anything with the story, right? So, let’s let Matthew live and spare all of the little illiterate kids that psychic trauma. Children who have read the book can just keep that development to themselves.

Puberty Education & You (Or: Hey, Where’s That Belt Supposed To Go?)

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Lists by

The past few weeks, a video of an adorable preteen distributing tampons at sleepaway camp has been making the internet rounds. It’s..um… cuter than it sounds. Here:

This got me thinking of the educational materials my generation and before grew up on. Kids these days don’t know how good they have it:

The Pancake Video

This isn’t available online, but it is carved into my brain tissue forevermore. The year was 1996. Alanis Morisette was on the radio, and half of the heads in America were sporting “The Rachel.” It was a simpler time, until… until the permission slip came home informing our parents that the girls would be watching “the video” in school. You know. THAT video.

Unlike the other 9-year-old girls, I didn’t have to go through the embarrassing show of presenting my mom with the permission slip – because my mom was the fourth grade science teacher. Yes, my mom was going to teach all of my friends about “becoming a woman.” More accurately, my mom was going to teach half of my friends about becoming a woman, because the boys got to play outside during all this. I could hear the carefree sounds of childhood out the window as the boys organized a kickball game, and my fourth grade social world crumbled around me. So you see, there’s no way I could forget this freaking video.

The premise is this: a diverse group of tweenage girls is having a campout in someone’s backyard. One of the girls gets her period, because if these videos teach you one thing, it’s that this shit always happens on some kind of a campout. So the girls trudge in, and the helpful Generic 90s Mom decides to teach them about what is happening to this child. Apparently their school didn’t have fine videos like this one, nor did it have That One Girl On The Bus Who Knows All This Stuff.

Anyway, you know what a bunch of pubescent girls need in the morning, as much as anatomical advice? BREAKFAST! Lucky for them – nay, lucky for US – Generic 90s Mom is a multi-tasker. She mixed up some batter, fired up the griddle, and got to work on some falopian tube pancakes. It was like those awesome Mickey pancakes you get at Disney, except actually horrifying and with the syrup probably representing uterine lining. You know at least one of those girls grew up to be one of those wackos who eats her placenta, and this Breakfast From Epcot Hell is why.

When the video ended, my mom fielded questions. Just what every tween wants — her mom talking about her Blue Water Time in front of all of her classmates. Still, at least she didn’t make a menarche-themed breakfast to illustrate the point.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

Either we weren’t paying attention to that video in fourth grade, or we were too busy being traumatized to actually take in any of the information, but in fifth grade this book started making the rounds and it’s like it was totally new information. I blame Judy Blume for my entire generation being like “wait… I thought there was supposed to be some kind of belt?” Either way, I learned more from this book than any of those school vids.

No, Just Kidding, This Is Really Epcot Hell

If you were educated in the old school, maybe you got this instead of the pancake video. For a Disney vid, it really needs more talking animals.

The Most ’50s Thing You’ll Ever See, Ever


This is probably what my mom watched in school, presuming Catholic schools in the 50s didn’t just tell you that it was the devil giving you a papercut or something. Jeez… is THIS why she named me Molly? Of course this bitch is named Molly.

Sample Dialogue: “Peggy, I can’t go swimming, you know I’ve got the curse!”

By the by, these 40s and 50s vids are reallll concerned about you possibly catching a cold, which evidently does something to your uterus. Freezes it?

Here, This Flapper Gets Most Of It Right

Image links to the full brochure.

Image links to the full brochure.

And THIS is what my grandmothers probably got in school, in the pre-video age. The pamphlet suggests leaving this, one of those damn belts, and maybe some money for later therapy on your kid’s pillow when you know she’ll be alone. It’s like the Ding Dong Ditch version of parenting. Drop the sanitary belt and run!

Just Watch The Supercut


Supercuts: not just for disappointing but economical haircuts anymore.

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Call The Midwife

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First things first. The show is called “Call the Midwife,” and the promotional images feature nuns on bicycles. This probably sounds great if you’re into the whole tea-and-twee thing, but I promise there’s a broader appeal to it if that’s not your thing. I’d venture to say if you like Downton Abbey, Grey’s Anatomy, or Orange Is The New Black, you should give Call The Midwife a try.

This show follows Jenny Lee (Jessica Raine – and narrated in the present day by Vanessa Redgrave), a young midwife working in East London in the late 1950s. Jenny lives at a nursing convent, so her colleagues are a mix of old nuns and young nurses. The East End was super-poor at the time, and super-fertile as well, apparently. So, what does this all have to do with Downton, Grey’s, and OITNB?

Downton Abbey

Let’s start with the obvious. These shows are both set in England in the past. The thing is, although the late 50s is usually considered a pretty modern era, the East End was still struggling to recuperate from World War II, and the area had a lot more in common with Downton in the teens and 20s than modern London.

Then, there’s the class thing. Jenny’s from somewhere in the comfortable classes, and she has good intentions to help out in the East End. Like plenty of well-intentioned 22-year-olds before her, though, she can’t help but feel a little judgmental towards some of the less-privileged folks she meets. You can see her journey from sympathy to empathy as the seasons progress. Then there’s Chummy, a nurse from the upper-upper class who seems to only make positive assumptions about everyone she meets. There’s also plenty of screen time given to the patients from the East End, and not all of them are exactly fawning over the upper-class nurses. The nuns, of course, are sort of in a class all to themselves. If you want to see how the upstairs-downstairs thing would play out 40 years down the line – say, when Ethel’s and Mary’s children are adults – you should probably watch this.

Grey’s Anatomy

… or E.R… or Chicago Hope… In many ways, Call The Midwife is a historical medical drama. There’s none of the mystery of House, because – surprise! – all of the patients are pregnant. Nevertheless, Call The Midwife follows a different patient or two each episode. Of course, sometimes a more compelling patient will show up again later on.

I should mention that childbirth is really not my thing, but you don’t see any of the gory details. If you think medical problems and procedures are interesting, but can’t stomach too much blood and guts, this is a good bet.

Sometimes, Call The Midwife reads as a love letter to the NHS. It kind of feels like that kid in fourth grade who would brag about having an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and you’d be like “you don’t really have to brag about it, I was already jealous of you.” But don’t mind me, I just have a high-deductible plan and am bitter about it.

Orange Is The New Black

I’m sure there’s some sort of analogy there between nuns and prisoners, but that’s not exactly what I mean. I mean, there’s this great, diverse group of characters, and you get to learn about every one. Everyone – nuns, nurses, or  disadvantaged patient – is presented on equal footing. You don’t get the full backstory of every character, but between the writers and the actors, everyone does such a wonderful job of presenting each character as a full, complex person.

If you want to watch Call the Midwife, act fast. Season One is on Netflix, but season 2 is only streaming on PBS through September 3. It watches fast, though, because there are only 15 episodes in all. Both seasons (series, they call them in the UK, because they’re just a bunch of cuties) are available on DVD, so hopefully season 2 will make it to Netflix soon.

World’s Worst Diet Foods (and what they taste like)

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The phrase “diet foods” is really a misnomer, and we all know it. These aren’t foods that you eat while trying to lose weight — at least, not for everybody. Instead, these are lower-calorie approximations of real foods. In college, finding these foods was like a hobby. It was probably the only hobby I’ve had that was even a little useful, actually. Considering a typical college Saturday would find me getting a diner breakfast sandwich at noon, snacking on Goldfish crackers while watching afternoon tv, getting Chinese for dinner, drinking until 2 a.m., then getting pizza and garlic knots — well, a few aspartame-laden cancer puddings probably offset things. Having the rapid-fire metabolism of a 19-year-old didn’t hurt, either.

So, yeah, diet foods are not really foods for being on a “diet.” And — well — they’re not really foods in the traditional sense. They’re factory produced food-equivalents. These are the worst of them:

Shirataki Noodles

One of my friends used to go to this website where they’d give you low-cal approximations of actual foods. Instead of pasta, they recommended these zero-calorie noodles. That’s right, ZERO! You know what else you can eat for zero calories? Air and water, both of which would be better than these. It’s no accident that “shirataki noodles” is a perfect anagram of “akin shit-loosed air” (or “one kilo sad shit-air” if you’re eating a whole lot).

You knew you were in for it when you read the caveat: “these may produce a slight fishy odor.” Know how smell and taste are connected? They tasted like fish noodles, too. If you boiled one of those curly phone cords after soaking it in a bucket of mackerel, it would taste like shirataki noodles.

Better’n Peanut Butter

What could be better than peanut butter?! I don’t know. Probably not this shitty spread that was made of like 50% crushed peanuts and 50% crushed hopes and dreams. Maybe, if I weren’t expecting this to be a little bit like peanut butter, it would have been okay. Maybe if my expectations were more on-point, it wouldn’t have tasted like peanut butter cut with plain gelatin and desperation. Just call this Creamy Self-Loathing Spread instead, and I’d be all over it.

Handi-Snacks Sugar Free Gelatin Dessert

If you have strep throat, and don’t think you deserve real Jell-O, and have a coupon or something, then I guess it’s okay to buy this. Otherwise, skip it. I actually like sugar-free Jell-O, but there’s something about the off-brand that you don’t have to refrigerate that’s just terrifying. The texture is jiggly and gummy all at once. I imagine if you added a Kool-Aid packet to that 90s toy where you could suspend an undersea diorama in a tiny tank, it would taste like this.

Diet Bread

At 45 calories a slice, it’s better not to think about this as bread in a traditional sense. After all, it does taste like reconstituted sawdust. It’s more of a vehicle — a vehicle to make it easier to swallow egg salad, sliced turkey, or your self-esteem.

Wegmans CoCo Lite Pop Cakes

Please don’t take this as me saying anything against Wegmans. I love them so. And, well, it is pretty fun watching these cakes pop out of the machine in the store! I’m sure there’s even a topping that makes these 20-cal disks taste good. I just haven’t found it yet. If you’ve been looking for a frisbee-sized communion wafer, then this is the snack for you! So if you want to pretend that you’re an elf or fairy receiving the Eucharist, you should probably buy these.

Low Fat Cream Cheese

If you like yourself enough to buy bagels, but hate yourself enough to buy low fat cream cheese, I don’t think I can help you. Or, maybe I can. Just go with neufchatel instead! I think it might be lower-cal than regular cream cheese, AND it doesn’t taste like cream cheese made with the way baby formula smells.

Light ‘n Fit Yogurt

This product’s ad slogan is “Eat Light ‘n Fit – Be Light and Fit!”. Sorry, no. Light ‘n Fit is about as likely to make you BE light and fit as it is to make you be yogurt. Just buy the Fage or Siggis. A friend said that yogurt tastes the way bad breath smells, and generally I disagree, but that’s the most apt descriptor of Light ‘n Fit I can think of.

Lest you think I sit around eating chemical-based food equivalents, let me set you straight. All of these purchases were a one-off after I realized how awful they were, and I really do eat a lot of whole grains and fresh veggies and quality vegetarian protein.

But, let’s be honest, I’m also drinking a giant bottle of Crystal Lite as I write this. I’m pretty sure it’s washing my insides in cancer. What can I say, old habits die hard.

Degrassi TNG: Where Are They Now

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Yes, I was too old to watch Degrassi, probably. I really don’t care. First of all, we all know I love age-inappropriate television. Second, Degrassi got away with stuff in a teen series that network TV wasn’t at the time, so it wasn’t entirely awful.

So, yes, I watched it, and now I wonder where the actors are. Not those actors from the later seasons when it got all weird and none of the original crew was there. And NOT the first 80s-90s incarnation of Degrassi. Since I watch stuff for people younger than me, and I was like 5 when that was on, by my calculations that means I was probably watching whatever babies are into. I don’t know. Those fish things that clip onto a crib, or the inside of a uterus, probably.

Anyway. Degrassi. Names link to twitter account, where available. Here we go:

Aubrey Graham – Jimmy

Then.

Now.

It took like a year for me to refer to Aubrey Graham as “Drake” instead of “Wheelchair Jimmy.” It took another two for me to stop telling people that I liked him as far back as when he was “Walking Jimmy.” At that point, I’d realized that probably wasn’t anything to be proud of.

So, where is Jimmy now? Drake. He’s Drake. We all know who Drake is, presumably. Let’s move on.

Cassie Steele – Manny Santos

Then.

Now.

Remember when Manny got all “badass” a few seasons in? She was like 13… in Canada… in the early 2000s… so badass basically meant hoop earrings and Juicy sweatsuits. Remember when Manny got an abortion that one time and The N didn’t air the episode at first? In like 2004? I do. Since Degrassi, Cassie has appeared in My Babysitter’s a Vampire (a TV movie that was a parody of Twilight)  and The L.A. Complex. I never saw that, but wish I had because Jewel Staite was in it. That will be significant to the two of you who remember Space Cases from ‘90s Nickelodeon. Cassie released an e.p. in 2012.

Alex Steele – Angie Jeremiah

Then.

Now.

OK, during season like 22 of Degrassi: TNG, little Angie showed up as an entirely new character. Apparently Degrassi is like the Law & Order of Toronto, that way.

Ryan Cooley – J.T. Yorke

Then. RIP, those stupid button-up shirts with flames on the bottom.

Now.

I just learned that the character of J.T. was stabbed to death at one point since I stopped watching the show. So, R.I.P James Tiberius, I guess. That baby he had during that stupid plotline with Liberty will never know him. Well, not that he would have, anyway.

Ryan has appeared in a few tv series since Degrassi, all probably Canadian.  Per twitter, he has some kind of job where he works in an office. He bills himself as a tech enthusiast, so I’m guessing something with computers or, like, robots. He apparently studied theater in college, and was on a YouTube series last year.

Miriam McDonald – Emma Nelson

Then.

Now.

Miriam has appeared on a few TV series since leaving Degrassi, including Orphan Black, which is one of our favs! Wikipedia calls her an “occasional dancer,” which presumably means something a little more than dancing around her kitchen, and a little less than appearing on the now-defunct SYTYCD: Canada. She put a yoga vid on Twitter lately, if you like yoga, Twitter, or Miriam McDonald.

Jake Epstein – Craig

Then.

Now.

So Craig is like… kiiiiind of a smokeshow now, right? Just getting that out of the way. He was in My Babysitter’s A Vampire with Cassie Steele, as well as Paradise Falls, which you’re more likely to have seen. Jake appeared in the national tour of American Idiot – national meaning United States ( in Canada, touring — like burying the dead and collecting maple syrup — has to occur after things start to thaw, which is why there aren’t so many tours there). Jake has had an active theater career in Ontario, and hit Broadway for the first time last year as an understudy for the title character in Spider-man. In an upcoming Broadway musical, he’ll be playing Carole King’s husband. Like, Carole King as a character, not Carole King as an actress.

Sarah Barrable-Tishaur – Liberty VanZandt

Then.

Now.

Sarah’s linkdin page is crazy. Good crazy. She has done a lot of legit stuff since DeGrassi, don’t get me wrong. She went to Concordia university and did stuff during her college career other than watching a lot of daytime TV, which is already impressive to me. She worked as a media consultant for a school, and as a Senior Graphic Designer at Canadians for Justice and Peace in the Middle East. Right now she’s a freelance Communications Consultant and Media Content Developer. And there, in the middle of all of that good stuff, is “Lead Actor, Liberty Van Zandt at Degrassi: The Next Generation.” Coolest employment history footnote ever. I mean I think my most interesting one is “hostess in a bird costume.”

Don’t even get me started on Liberty’s pregnancy.

Shane Kippel – Spinner Mason

Then.

Now??

Shane was on Degrassi for nine years. Nine. YEARS. So, he hasn’t done too much since then, bcause he’s only been off of the show for like 2 years. Evidently Shane was on Combat Hopsital, and plays drums for a Toronto-based band called Dear Love.

Lauren Collins – Paige Mikalchuk

Then.

Now. Y’all can just scroll up to this picture for the Adamo Ruggiero “now,” too. Sorry, spoiler.

Remember that talent show where Paige rewrote her song at the last minute to be about that time she got date-raped? That was some pretty heavy stuff for a tween series. Good job, Canada. Say what you will about me watching Degrassi when I was already like 17, Paige had a serious character arc. Plus, she was in a Degrassi parody video, so I’ve decided that Lauren is my dream Degrassi bestie. Lauren was in Charlie Bartlett and a Disney Channel Original about Sharpay. She hosts an MTV series called “1 Girl 5 Gays,” which I immediately disapprove of because that title reminds me of “2 Girls 1 Cup” and I’d rather not even know what that means, much less think about it.

Adamo Ruggiero – Marco Del Rossi

Then.

Marco was in a “gay-themed Christmas flick” called – wait for it – Make The Yuletide Gay. And you KNOW the producers went back and forth on that title and something with donning “gay apparel” for weeks. It was NOT gay-themed Christmas porn, which the title made me worry about a little. I guess people liked it, because a sequel is forthcoming.

Stacey Farber – Ellie Nash

Then.

Now.

You remember Elllie because she was badass, albeit in a more goth/alternative way than Manny. In early 2000s Canada, that mostly meant that she dressed like Avril Lavigne. Ellie was troubled, and in the early 2000s the big plotline for troubled youths was cutting (today it’s cyberbullying; in the 90s it was probably eating disorders, in the 80s it was getting offered drugs that looked kind of like candy,  and in the 70s, divorced parents. Nobody had problems before the 70s). After Degrassi, Stacey held a Teen Vogue internship and went to The New School to study creative writing. She appeared on 18 to Life (a CBC series) a few years ago.  In my googling, I found that circa 2008 all these kids on Yahoo answers were asking if Stacey was pregnant. I feel like she was always really tiny thought? But also I stopped watching Degrassi when I went to college in like 2004, so maybe. She DID tweet that article by that woman who doesn’t want her daughter to be nice, but I think I might have tweeted that too. Fun fact: Farber was on the shortlist to play Juno, but that other tiny Canadian actress got it instead.

Daniel Clark – Sean Cameron

Then.

Now.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that most of the Degrassi guys have coalesced into one brown-haired Canadian boy in my memory. Sean was the brown-haired Canadian boy who was the “bad boy,” according to Wikipedia, but wasn’t that Spinner?

It looks like Daniel has taken a break from professional acting since Degrassi. He started a not-for-profit called Brightline Education, which is something about teenagers and the environment. Daniel graduated with honors from NYU, majoring in Political Communications. He is now working for ABC News.

Ephraim Ellis – Rick Murray

Then.

Now.

You know what they say about homicidal teens on television: it’s always the one who seems like they’d probably do that, really. Ephraim has developed a long list of tv credits since Degrassi, notable because it is entirely made up of Canadian series I haven’t heard of before.

Downton Abbey Actors: Unrecognizable in Modern Clothes

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It’s Downton Abbey season again! Well, it is if you’re in the UK, anyway.  All of the pre-Downton chatter has me thinking about the actors in real life. Some of them look the same in modern dress – Lord Grantham and Bates, for instance. When I see some of the other actors on a 21st century red carpet, I think they’re from some show I don’t watch. It’s like taking your great-grandma whom you’ve only seen in old photo albums and dressing her in skinny jeans. Honestly, though, some of them are secretly seriously attractive under that ‘20s garb. To wit:

Laura Carmichael – Edith Crawley

While Mary and Sybil carry the title of “Lady”, Edith’s title is “Poor.” As in, “Poor Edith always gets jilted” or “Poor Edith always tries to marry married men” or “Everyone Poor Edith knows dies tragically.” Yes, her sisters dealt  with worse tragedies than her, but you have to admit that there’s a hangdog, unfortunate vibe surrounding Edith. The “Poor Edith” thing isn’t helped by Downton’s stylists. Compared to Mary and Sybil, Edith is certainly the dowdy sister. That’s all TV magic, though. When Laura Carmichael is out in modern-day clothes, she’s every bit as pretty as her on-screen sibs.

Rob James-Collier – Thomas

What a difference a buzz cut makes. While I do think Thomas isn’t half bad looking, you can’t deny that he’s a total dirtbag. Once Rob James-Collier has the layer of Thomas slime scrubbed off, he looks like such a nice guy.

Sophie McShera – Daisy

She’s playing a scullery maid, so this isn’t necessarily fair. Still, the fact remains that Daisy looks pretty plain on-screen. Casting directors must have seen some rough in the diamond, because is actually super-pretty.

Thomas Howes – William

Proof that everyone looks dopier with slicked-down hair.

Siobhan Finneran – Mrs O’Brien

I KNOW, right? Between the weird sausage curl bangs, Victorian spinster dress, and dour attitude, O’Brien is unappealing to say the least. It’s a huge shock that in 2013, Siobhan Finneran looks like she’d play a pretty teacher or nice young mom.

Dan Stevens – Matthew Crawley

Brown hair? Good. Facial hair? Good. A beard that looks like it’s been blasted with spray snow? Not so good. If Dan Stevens would trim up that frizzy beard and hit it with some Just For Men, I’d call his 21st century self a major upgrade.

Lesley Nicol – Mrs. Patmore

The biggest difference is definitely in the downstairs folk, and you have to admit that this is pretty remarkable.At least at first, Mrs. Patmore is that scary boss everyone’s had at least once.  She isn’t even married, but they call her Mrs. anyway, just to show that she’s wed to the kitchen. She’s kind of grumpy and frumpy, but  I can’t snark on Patmore’s hair because it’s exactly what mine looks like with no product or if I’m late for work. Yep, I’m definite downstairs material. Lesley Nicol in her 21st century gear reminds me that sometimes a little hair straightener goes a long way.

Kidz Bop Lyrics: Fact Or Fiction

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If you’ve been unfortunate enough to listen to Kidz Bop, there are a few things you’ll notice:

  • Not all of the lyric changes are even necessary to make things kid-appropriate
  • If lyrics reference alcohol, drug use, sex, or poor grammar, they will be changed to reference things like having fun with friends, eating food, or school.
  • Like Rated R movies dubbed for the USA network, much of the language makes absolutely no sense once it is cleaned up.
  •  Children in Kidz Bop songs say things that no child has said since the ‘50s. If ever.

Some of the following are real Kidz Bop lyric changes. Others are Cookies and Sangria Originals. Can you tell the difference? Answers are at the bottom of the post.

More Kidz Bop Gold

(1) Bandz a Make Her Dance (Juicy J)

  • Real Lyrics:

Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
All these chicks popping pussy
I’m just popping bands
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
These chicks clappin’
And they ain’t using hands

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All you kids are playing records

I like hearing bands!

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All the kids are clapping

Let’s all clap our hands!

(2) Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)

  • Real Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

Yeah, you, PMS like a bitch I would know

And you over think, Always speak Critically

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know

And you always think, always speak cryptically

(3) The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars)

  • Real lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex

And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’ (Oh my God, this is great!) […]

I’ll just strut in my birthday suit

And let everything hang loose

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, send a really nice text

And she’s gonna write back “you’re so great” ( OMG you’re so great) […]

I’ll just strut with nothing to do

And let everything go through

(4) Bitches Ain’t Shit (Dr Dre Featuring Snoop Dog)

  • Real lyrics:

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks

Lick on these nuts and suck the dick

Get the fuck out after you’re done

And I hop in my ride to make a quick run…

I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright

We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night

Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats

And we was ballin’ on the motherfucking Compton streets

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bringin’ the chips, hohos, and twix

Licked all these nuts, and feelin’ sick

Get the fun dip after you’re done

And I hop on my bike to make a snack run…

I used to know a kid named Eric Wright

We used to run around, eat fudge the whole darn night

Treats that my mother found with the gummy b’s

And we were noshin’ on your mother’s stash of Cadburies

(5) Glad You Came (The Wanted)

  • Real lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another drink

Drink it if you can

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another dance

Dance it if you can

(6) Get Lucky

  • Real lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars

She’s up all night ’til the sun
I’m up all night to get some
She’s up all night for good fun
I’m up all night to get lucky

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are

So let’s raise the bar and look up to the stars

She’s up all night to the sun

I’m  up all night chewing gum

She’s up all night cause it’s fun

I’m  up all night, aren’t I lucky?

Answers: (1) Fiction (2) Fact (3) Fact (4) Fiction (5) Fact (6) Fiction. Thanks for playing!

Guess Who? Character Bios: Beyond Glasses & Facial Hair

Posted in Miscellany by

“Guess Who?” isn’t just for kids. The trick to Adult Guess Who? is in the questions. “Does he have facial hair?” “Does she have brown eyes?” No. That’s kid stuff. Adult Guess Who is all about the character traits: “Does he look like he’d work in I.T.?” “Does she Facebook-stalk her ex kind of a lot?” “Is he really into Jesus, but probably doesn’t feel great about Catholics?” That’s how you play it as an adult.

To help you out, here are my unofficial character bios for our favorite Hasbro characters:

Alex

Occupation: children’s’ basketball league coordinator

Character traits: Considers himself rebellious (for instance, he is growing out a Mohawk that he had cut during his 2-week vacation to a “Sandals” resort).

Fun Fact: Recipient of the first-ever mustache transplant, his facial hair used to be the eyebrows of a 43-year-old single mother.

Alfred

Occupation: “Odd Jobs” (read: sometimes helps his friend cook meth)

Fun Fact: Not allowed to live within 200 yards of an elementary school.

Anita

Occupation: Owns a start-up business putting on “princess parties” for 3-8 year-old girls

Skills: Cheerily diffusing awkward and heated situations; good with glitter and tulle

Character traits: Occasional crippling depression

Fun Fact: Yes, her name is Anita. No, she’s not Hispanic.

Anne

Occupation: Small-law attorney (mostly transactional stuff)

Skills: Can always correctly  “Guess Who” in three or fewer questions.

Character traits: So organized that you kind of hate her.

Fun Fact: Yes, her name is Anne, yes, Anita would be the Spanish diminutive, Yes, Anne IS Hispanic, No, she and Anita don’t think it’s THAT funny.

Bernard

Occupation: Cossack

Skills: Military strategy; driving in snow.

Character traits: Funniest character on the board.

Bill

Occupation: “The Wind” in the corner of an antique map

Character traits: blustery; long-winded.

Fun Fact: Met Anita, Philip, Robert, and Susan at a Rosacea support group. It’s a real problem.

Charles

Occupation: Your Uncle

Skills: Encyclopedic knowledge of whatever your nearest NFL team is

Character traits: None, really.

Fun Fact: If he tries to smile too big, he has to really work to push it past his mustache.

Claire

Occupation: Runs a scrapbooking blog

Skills: Scrapbooking, mostly.

Character traits: Is “scrapbooking” a trait? Then that.

Fun Fact: A real bitch.

Eric

Occupation: Captain of a Revolutionary War reenactment regiment

Skills: Proficient in late-18th century military slang.

Fun Fact: Not a cop.

Frans

Occupation: Former child actor, when he went by “Frankie Jake Bartlett” because Frans Johann Schumacher was reading too “ethnic.”

Skills: Managing his residuals

Character traits: Just really, really charming.

Fun Fact: Best buds with Susan, who sings “Frans a-make her dance!” whenever she sees him. It’s sort of their thing.

George

Occupation: Fun-employed!

Skills: Well, nothing marketable in our post-recession economy, that’s for certain.

Character traits: Downtrodden, with a streak of almost heartbreaking optimism.

Fun Fact: There hasn’t been a “fun” fact about George for the past 22-months, I’m afraid (that’s when the layoff happened).

Herman

Occupation: I don’t know, probably something in finance

Skills: Amateur boxing

Fun Fact: Has broken his nose 3 or 4 times.

Joe

Occupation: Software design

Skills: Computer stuff

Character traits: Gentle. I’d say gentle.

Fun Fact: Really hates when people ask “Does he have a butt chin?” or “Does he have Sally Jessie Raphael glasses?”

Maria

Occupation: High school French teacher.

Skills: Verb conjugations.

Character traits: Romantic (has been chasing Philip since 1982)

Fun Fact: Has never been to France.

Max

Occupation: Flag waver at roadside construction sites

Character traits: Very self-conscious (he grew his mustache to draw attention from his truly gigantic mouth, only to find that it came in lopsided)

Fun Fact: envies Charles and Alfred for their full, symmetrical mustaches.

Paul

Occupation: Family therapist

Skills: Reframing Guess Who? questions as “I feel” statements.

Fun Fact: has worn the same pair of glasses since kindergarten

Philip

Occupation: Podiatrist

Skills: Classical pianist

Character traits: More oblivious than seems probable (he likes Maria back, since ’87 or so).

Fun Fact: Prematurely bald. Had beard hair transplanted to his head, resulting in an entirely seamless head hair-facial hair experience

Richard

Occupation: Plays in a children’s folk group with his wife and sister-in-law

Skills: Writing songs about such varied topics as healthy snacks, bath time, and sharing

Character traits: Slyly passive-aggressive, so that you can never quite come up with a concrete reason to dislike him.

Fun Fact: has had a serious falling out with Sharon, Lois, and Bram, who “stole his sound”

Robert

Occupation: Funeral director

Skills: Funeral planning, lifting (subs  in as a pall bearer in a pinch)

Character traits: Empathy

Fun Fact: That’s just his empathy face. He’s actually pretty happy.

Sam

Occupation: Amateur painter, but really living off some savvy real estate investments

Skills: Can really read the market

Character traits: Judicious and detail-oriented

Fun Fact: Made entirely out of circles.

Susan

Occupation: Studio musician

Skills: Anarchy, zines (early member of the Riot Grrrl movement during her college days)

Character traits: Pretty quiet until you get to know her

Fun Fact: There is a fairly heated debate among the other characters (“board members,” they call themselves) as to whether Susan has white or platinum blonde hair.

Tom

Occupation: Sociology professor

Skills: Can calculate any standard deviation in his head in under 2 minutes.

Character traits: Clear and helpful, according to the scale on Rate My Professors (no chili pepper.. yet).

Fun Fact: He and Paul have been together since grad school.

Peter

Occupation: Retired Dentist

Skills: Has taken up balloon animal-making in his retirement (always a hit at family parties!)

Character traits: Pretty genial and even-tempered, on the whole.

Fun Fact: Flips. The fuck. Out. if you call him “Pete”

David

Occupation: Ikea instruction writer

Skills: Not writing clear instructions.

Character traits: Swedish

Fun Fact: Looks exactly the same right-side-up and upside-down.

Are You Ratchet?

Posted in Entertainment by

Sometime in the past year, I realized just how old I am. A term showed up describing a subculture, and I had no clue what it meant. Yes, ratchet. Urban Dictionary has a few definitions, but frankly I’d avoid that unless you’re cool with 13 pages of white boys using the words “slutty” and “ghetto.” Google images helped a little more, but it still didn’t completely clear things up. I believe it was Helen Keller who said that ratchet “cannot be seen or heard, but must be felt with the heart.”

Here’s my take on it: a “ratchet” person is an outspoken and possibly brash young woman who favors ostentatious or eye-catching “urban” fashion and other facets of hip-hop culture. She displays marks of conspicuous consumption, but is associated (correctly or incorrectly) with urban areas of lower socioeconomic status.

However, that definition is kind of boring. In case you’re trying to work through whether you, yourself, are ratchet, please consult this handy guide instead:

(1) Did you learn the definition of ratchet from Urban Dictionary?

The ONLY ratchet definition from Urban Dictionary that was fit to print on our website.

  • You’re probably not ratchet.

(2) Okay, did you learn the definition of ratchet during a conversation about a Miley Cyrus video?

  • You’re probably not ratchet.

(3) In the past year, have you had a conversation about a fact you learned from the John Tesh radio show?

  • You’re probably not ratchet, and may be my mother. Hi, mom.

(4) Did you learn how to twerk by watching a YouTube tutorial?

  • You’re probably not ratchet.
  • Or, you are ratchet, and are just really tenacious about developing your skills, like a ratchet Hermione Granger. I get you.

* In my mind’s eye, Ratchet Hermione Granger has bucktoothed grills and wears a Gryffindor-colored bustier under her dress robes — but also, “ratchet” seems more Slytherin.

(5) Do you care at-freaking-ALL about whether or not I think you’re ratchet?

  • You’re probably not ratchet.

(6) Within recent memory, have you lamented the decline of panty hose in women’s fashions?

  • You’re probably not ratchet.
  • Or, you are ratchet, but have to wear professional attire for work and always feel a little less-than-polished every time you wear a skirt without hose.

(7) Was Sean Combs still going by Puff Daddy the last time you were at the club?

  • You’re probably not ratchet.
  • Or, you are ratchet, but are really more of an introvert, which is fine.

(8) Did you learn the definition of “ratchet” by writing a question in to Yahoo Answers?

  • Trick question. You’re not ratchet, but that’s only because every Yahoo Answers question is written by the same confused but well-intentioned 14-year-old girl who doesn’t quite know how to use Google.

(9) (a) If someone referred to you as “nasty,” would you be offended?

  • You’re not ratchet.

(b) Is the reason you’re offended because you’re assuming they mean “nasty” in terms of being unkind, rude, and unpleasant?

  • You’re not ratchet, and seem like an old lady.
(10) (a) Do you own hoop earrings with your name written across the middle?
  • That doesn’t mean you’re ratchet.

(b) Do you own earrings with “Ratchet” written across the middle?

  • Now you’re ratchet. Unless that’s your name.

(10) Last one: are you Miley Cyrus?

  • Oh, honey. You’re not ratchet. Your dad wrote Achy Breaky Heart.
    (note: Noah Cyrus… Maybe)

Life Lessons From ZOOM

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by

I live my adult professional life by the principles of the late-90s reboot of Zoom. Yes, the PBS children’s show. This wasn’t intentional. In fact, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I sat down to write a post about Zoom, at which point I discovered that the show had leached into my subconscious and bled all the way through to my working life. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from higher education and on-the-job experience — but everything I really needed to know, I apparently learned from Zoom.

1) Always cheer for your friends.

Remember how every time they were playing a game, all of the kids would cheer for everyone who was competing? They’d be all “Go Zoe! Go Jared! You can do it, Zoe! You got this, Jared!”. At twelve, I thought that no real kids actually did this — you picked who you wanted to win, and that was that. There was a lot more smack talk in my childhood.

Now that I’ve grown up, I realize that I take a Zoom approach to other people’s success. As long as it’s one of my people getting ahead, I’m happy. That’s not to say I won’t work like crazy so that I’m the one getting the good project, or the promotion, or whatever. But, if a friend or colleague is recognized, that’s almost as good as a victory for myself. You aren’t in competition with your friends or even your co-workers, is I guess what I’m saying. It’s good to be happy for people. ZOOM Games taught me that.

2) The zip code in Allston is 02134.

    True story: I had to mail something to Boston a few months ago, and didn’t have the exact address. I was able to look it up on Google maps because I had an approximate zip code, thanks to that damn theme song that is still in my head after 14 years.

3) Sometimes you just need to learn something by watching people.

I’m talking about ubbi-dubbi. I could lapse into ubbi dubbi this second. But ask me to explain how to do it, and it would be super confusing. However, if you watched a few clips of the Zoom-ers speaking it, you could ubbi-dubbi with the best of them. This definitely happens in the adult world — when long, step-by-step instructions fail you, sometimes the best thing to say is “hey, can I watch you do that once?” and you’ll get it.

4) If someone has an idea, you have to listen to them for instructions. If you’re giving instructions, you have to make people listen to you.

I wish someone had told me that 90% of being an adult with a professional job was just being kind of pushy so that people would do what I need them to do. Since Zoom was a kids-only show, one of the Zoomers would be the one to explain the rules of a game or how to do a craft. Unlike real children, the other Zoom kids listened with rapt attention. I definitely try to do that when someone’s telling me something important. But when you’re the one giving orders, you have to speak loudly and clearly and look the other people straight in the face, just like Keiko and Buzz did – unless you’re working over email, and then you have to do the email equivalent of that.

5) Positivity And Perseverance Will Keep Your Team On Track

While the “being pushy so people do what I need them to do” thing does come up a lot, I much prefer it when people just respond to teamwork. It’s not a cool trait at all, but I’m plucky,  like an adult American Girl doll or a character from a Haley Mills movie. No kidding, one of my higher-ups praised my “can-do attitude” when I took over a book series. Well, you can thank PBS afternoon television for that. Zoomers didn’t give up, even when they were losing or really, really struggling.  And when you’re working with other people – whether a production staff or the other kids on your balloon toss game – your positive attitude translates to everyone else. My work is deadline heavy, and as the editor in charge, I can’t say “this is awful, we’re running so late, and by the way it’s your fault because you forgot to do part of your job.” It works much, much better to let everyone know that we can do this, and that as the one responsible, you’re going to do everything you can to get the job done.

6) Crowd-Source Your Content

PBS knew that adults couldn’t always come up with fun kid activities, so most of the games and recipes were sent in by kids. I can’t prove this, but I feel like it was almost always Stephanie M. from Toledo, Ohio. This is definitely the way to go in most real-life professions, too. I mean the “getting feedback from your target audience” thing, not so much the Stephanie M. thing.

7) Sometimes People Way Older Or Way Younger Than You Have Really Great Ideas

When you’re a kid, the difference between an 8 year old and a 12 year old is HUGE. Zoom spanned a pretty wide age range — you know those kids would not have been hanging out together in real life. Still, everyone learned from each other. If you’re starting out in your career and are way young compared to everyone else (that’s me!), or if you’re working with people half your age, don’t just write off those youths or fogeys. Caroline’s ideas weren’t always bad, you know.

8) Always have a healthy snack after school

Or after work, whatever. Or in the late afternoon, if you keep healthy snacks in your desk drawer. 9 times out of 10, when I hit that mid-afternoon slump, it’s some sort of blood sugar situation and a handful of almonds or an apple perk me right up (sometimes the only answer is caffeine. Zoom didn’t teach me that one. Also you know who couldn’t have nuts? Zoe. She was allergic). Thanks, Cafe ZOOM.

9) It’s OK if you show up in the same outfit as somebody else. Or everybody else.

Whatever, it was a good t-shirt.

10) Learning is cool.

My mom was an elementary school science teacher when I was a kid, so my childhood was all dissecting owl pellets and growing crystals. Although it was no Bill Nye or Beakman’s World, Zoom helped emphasize that learning new things is cool. When you’re working, that means jumping in headfirst to learn about a new task, field, or emerging technology. Props to Zoom Sci for that one.