Handsome Men In Pastels And Florals: An Appreciation Post

Spring is in the air! Passover and Easter are here, tulips are popping up, days are getting longer, and it’s the perfect time to bust out some pastels or floral prints in your wardrobe. While I like lighter colors and flower patterns myself, there’s nothing better than a man confident and exuberant enough to wear FUN clothes (and while I’d argue that fun clothes shouldn’t require confidence, the Standard Man’s Wardrobe is admittedly pretty staid – and if that’s what you prefer, you do you). With trendsetters looking this fresh and sunny, though, maybe the general populace isn’t far behind!

Tinie Tempeh

This Gucci cotton crepe blazer is screen-printed with a gorgeous chinoiserie pattern, given a bit of edge with the gold chain and bare chest. Is he at a tea party? I love everything about this.

Taking it back to 2014, Tinie Tempah is at it AGAIN in Casely-Hayford, ankle pants and plain white tennis shoes. The man knows he looks good in a floral print.

Let’s be real. I’m presenting these gents in no particular order, but Tinie Tempeh’s at the top of the list because he’s the king of the floral blazer in my book. This Louis Vuitton brocade tux jacket fits like a dream and looks like one too.

Rami Malek

Rami is one of our blog favorites, and part of that’s because he’s such a consistently well-dressed man. It comes as no surprise, then, that he’s one of our repeat floral enthusiasts. This bright blue suit worn for his Time Off shoot makes his eyes stand out even more than they already do.

Listen. There is a middle ground for the man who likes the idea of florals but doesn’t feel comfortable in a brocade or chintz look, and that middle ground is the Hawaiian-style shirt. It’s summery, bright, and fun, but has been part of the menswear establishment for decades. Rami knows. This one’s by Sandro and has a gorgeous sheen in higher-res images.

Then there’s this alternative to the floral blazer or tuxedo jacket: a solid-color suit with a flower-print shirt underneath. And a polka-dotted pocket square for whimsy.

Jared Leto

Jared Leto made waves at the 2015 Oscars in the Givenchy tuxedo that’s somewhere between lavender and periwinkle. He even accessorized: that’s not a boutonniere, it’s a pink floral Fred Leighton brooch.

You know what? The long double-breasted coat feels costume-y to me, and I’m not feeling the slouchy socks, but that’s OKAY. The fact that Jared went for it in this very Lilly Pullitzer color-combo (in Gucci, no less) is great.

A$ap Rocky

One of the most common men’s floral staples the past few years has been the printed bomber jacket. In 2013, A$ap Rocky was years ahead of the fashion curve in this Balenciaga jacket and matching shirt.

Here’s a new one for our list: floral jeans that manage to look beautiful and not at all like my embroidered floral jeans from the Limited Too circa 1999. That’s probably because these are Gucci. And PAINTED. Love love love.

Bruno Mars

No apologies here: I still love Uptown Funk and I think the video was an instant classic, due in large part to the retro throwback looks — especially Bruno’s fantastic pink jacket.

And then there’s Bruno in last year’s Jane The Virgin finale, all flowy and flowery.

Nick Cannon

I’m no Nick Cannon stan, but I’d be remiss to leave off this dapper three-piece that’s like a cartoon version of an Edwardian man on Easter, which to be clear, is a compliment.

Harry Styles

Open strong, close strong: if Tinie Tempeh is a king of floral jackets, Harry is the Emperor Of The Full Floral Suit. Here he is in Gucci, 2015, keeping it December-appropriate in a cheerful red.

This Gucci suit Harry wore to the 2015 AMAs made my jaw drop in a good way. And since I’ve come to expect him to wear prints that are a bit extra, the part that surprised me was that he managed to make a flared leg look current. What can I say, I came of age in the early 2000s.

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It’s like a rockstar Minnie Mouse, which I’m good with and you should be too.

One more before we go: floral Gucci pants. These are Good Pants. And what’s that I see? Niall’s little yellow head, with a floral patch on his elbows? Harry’s enthusiasm for flower prints is downright infectious.

 

One thing I noticed when brainstorming this list was that most well-dressed men either wear florals and pastels regularly, or not at all. With the exception of the stray pink or light blue button-up or t-shirt, which barely counts IMO, it seems like these springy styles just aren’t a part of most mens’ day-to-day fashion lineup. But who knows? Maybe all fashionable gents are just one well-made pastel tuxedo jacket from entering the light side.

 

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Things We Need to Revisit From the 2016 Grammy Awards

I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.

Bow Wow Doesn’t Understand Time

As awards shows are wont to do, stars from that network randomly show up to promote their series in a slick way. It’s the reason why NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J has hosted the show 5 times, and why Gary Sinise star of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders presented the Best Country Album with country singer Cam. And it’s why Shad Moss aka Bow Wow (CSI: Cyber) was chosen to co-host the pre-show with actual reporters from Entertainment Tonight. Approximately 2 minutes before the show started, Shad was in the audience giving viewers a preview of who was in the crowd, but at the 1.30 mark, he excitedly yelled, “The Grammys start now!” … except they didn’t. He attempted to do filler then throw away to the top of the show like two more times, looking at his watch WHICH SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TIME? before they cut away to the ET folks who know how time works. It was awkward and I can’t stop laughing at it.

Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood Take Their Time

Apparently their performance was shat on by a lot of haters online, but I wasn’t paying attention – Carrie is one of my favorite singers and Sam is a smokeshow so this pairing was a GD dream. Plus, the sound system was already fucked up (see: Adele).

It’s an Easy Hello for Demi Lovato

Demi was part of an all-star tribute to Lionel Richie, with a medley that included John Legend, Meghan Trainor, Luke Bryan and Tyrese Gibson (?). While John kicked it off with a flawless version of Easy, Demi was a standout in the bunch, mainly because she knocked the socks off of people who have been underestimating her or just don’t know her music. They know her as a former Disney star who went to rehab, and over the past year, Demi’s been out there hustlin’ trying to prove them otherwise. IMO, the new era of her slay-age began with SNL back in October, and with her performance on the Grammys it took her to a whole new level. Demi has never even been to the Grammys before, which was a conscious decision on her part. She didn’t want to go unless she earned it, whether it be being asked to perform or having a nomination (one day), so her debut at the Grammys itself became an epic one with her powerful vocals. And she definitely showed them she was meant to be there.

Stevie Wonder Burns The Audience

After performing an a cappella tribute to late Earth, Wind, & Fire star Maurice White with Pentatonix, Stevie was responsible for reading the winner of Song of the Year. He brought out the envelope, which was a bit of a gag since, hey, Stevie’s blind (tell that to 19-year-old me who legit waved to him at TRL). But then he turned it into somewhat of a PSA.

Kendrick Lights Up

If you were not giving this man a standing ovation at the end of this performance – I don’t care where you were – you need to wake the fuck up.

Adele Still Better Than Your Faves

So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.

Sofia Vergara Did A Thing

Believe it or not, Sofia Vergara helped close out the Grammys. Backstory: Pitbull made a surprise appearance at Sofia’s wedding to Joe Manganiello last year by performing a few songs at their reception. I’m assuming to help pay him back, she agreed to dress up as a Taxi and dance around the stage during his performance. So, that happened.

Taylor’s Got It Made In the Shade

If you’ve been following the Kanye drama over the past week (there’s a lot so it’s fair if you haven’t), you know that he name dropped Taylor in his new song Famous. He says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” Long story short, Kanye isn’t apologizing and Taylor responded for the first time by throwing the most shade to him in her acceptance speech for Album of the Year. Like, if you need to describe to someone what shade is (which I’ve had to do), this speech is the textbook definition of it. PS: Remember the time Taylor thought she won Album of the Year in 2014 because “Red” sounds a lot like “Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk?? STILL FUNNY.

#Gram4Ham

Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA

Everybody Who’s Anybody Is On Sesame Street

I have been waiting YEARS for someone to tell me how to get to Sesame Street. They drop the question in the theme song, but the show debuted 45 years ago today and still nobody has answered it.

When I was 3, one of the kids who hung around Mr. Hooper’s store looked like my neighborhood best friend, and I stewed for days over how she got on the show.

In preschool, Sesame Street led to my first ever wave of nostalgia. On a class field trip, my teacher turned on Sesame Street for us in her conversion van, and I realized that the show was still airing every day without me – when I was stuck playing duck duck goose with a bunch of sticky-handed tots who couldn’t even read yet. Remember, this was 1990, when there were no 24-hour children’s networks or YouTube clips. The only way to get to Sesame Street was to stay home from school.

A few years after that, one of my friends was convinced she was going to be on Sesame Street because of a donation her mom made during the annual PBS drive. Nope, that’s not how you get to Sesame Street either!

And now, as a full adult, I’d like to get to Sesame Street more than ever. Sure, part of it is that it represents a time in life when you could watch t.v. in your pajamas during the day. But mostly, these days it’s all about the guest stars. These clips make me feel as mad as I did in 1990, realizing that Sesame Street dares to go on without me every day:

Comedians Are On Sesame Street!

Jon Stewart delivered the fake, fake news.

Amy Poehler exercised (sort of!) with Elmo.

Ricky Gervais says “stumble” so many times it no longer sounds like a word.

And Cedric The Entertainer makes me wonder whether canteens are more relevant to kids’ lives than I realized. I grew up in the era of juice boxes.

Tina Fey is some sort of a book pirate.

What’s more adorable than Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon with Elmo. It’s all a bit much  for me.


Maya Rudolph raps, sings and dances with Elmo. Also I think she has a real future in children’s television, if she wants it.

Conan O’Brien does startlingly good dog impressions.

Even Saturday Night Live itself is on Sesame Street.

Actors Are On Sesame Street!

John Kraskinski talks about the meaning of the word soggy, interacts with a non-Elmo Muppet, and is just generally as cute as a bug’s ear.

And he’s not the only cast member of The Office to make the trip from Scranton to… is it supposed to be New York? Steve Carrell teaches us about the importance of voting and snacks.

Melissa McCarthy learns choreography from a penguin with Elmo and it’s exactly as delightful as it sounds.

Jonah Hill is making sure today’s youth are aware of the inexplicable mustache trend that’s sweeping the nation.

Benedict Cumberbatch is just generally rakishly charming, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Tom Hiddleston. See comments re: Cumberbatch, Benedict.

Kristen Bell instructs us on the word “splatter” but does not instruct us on how she has managed not to age since Veronica Mars.

Our hometown hero, Taye Diggs, makes a three-year-old puppet drive him around.

Musicians Are On Sesame Street!

Remember when you couldn’t get away from Call Me Maybe? Well, it even made it to Sesame Street (no Carly Rae Jepsen, though).

Bruno Mars doesn’t want you to give up if you’re the kind of child who is bad at catching balls.

Usher teaches the alphabet and it’s just really, really good.

Even Queen Bey herself made it to Sesame Street, during her Destiny’s Child days.

You may remember this Katy Perry performance because a bunch of parents got mad that their toddlers, who stopped breastfeeding probably under 2 years ago, were exposed to Perry’s boobs. I really don’t know.

Delightful tap-percussioned group Tilly And The Wall even swung by for kids parents who are a bit more into the indie scene.

Political Figures Are On Sesame Street!

Sandra Sotomayor is hanging out with Abby Cadabby,  melting my cold lawyerly heart, and letting kids know that princess isn’t a job.

Kofi Annan suggests that the muppets resolve their conflict “the United Nations Way”; thereby creating a “choose your own punchline” moment for the grownups watching.

Michelle Obama does a little light gardening.

And lest you think Sesame Street is partisan, Laura Bush reads a book.

Assorted famous people of 1991 are on Sesame Street!

We focused on currently famous folks, but Sesame Street has been hosting celebs since before the age of the remote control. This video features a number of early 90s superstars, but if you search through the Sesame Street archives you can find many more guest stars who were on the show while you were stuck in school, wishing for another field trip so you could hop in a conversion van and get to Sesame Street via the grainy tv set.

 

 

 

Superbowl XLVIII: Best And Worst Dressed

If you’ve ever chosen which team you were rooting for based on who had the better uniforms …. if you take bathroom breaks during the game so that you don’t miss any commercials … if you think that “hut hut hike-er” is a football position, and the only football coach you can name is Eric Taylor … then this post is for you. We present the best and worst dressed of Super Bowl XLVII – Seahawks vs. Broncos.

Best Dressed

Thunder the Horse  in “blonde lady in a cowgirl suit”

Thunder, who is a horse, is wearing Annie Wegener, a blonde human. Annie, in turn, is wearing an orange-and-blue cowgirl outfit. In the background, Number 11 is pretending to be an airplane, like Half Pint during the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie. Thunder is also wearing a studded leather saddle. He opted for a loose, wind-blown ‘do. His shoes are pure metal, and were made by “a farrier.”

Renee Fleming in Vera Wang

Between this outfit and her straight-singing rendition of The National Anthem, Renee Fleming is pure class. [I do admit to a bit of bias because she’s from our hometown.] Fleming wore a form-fitting black Vera Wang gown with a cream-colored wrap, and hit those A5s with ease and – for once – dignity. A mention should also go out to sign language interpreter Amber Zion, whose coat was really cute.

David Beckham in “As Little As Possible”

God bless David Beckham, for making this the Super Bowl where we all win. David Beckham, wearing boxer-briefs from H&M, is really pushing the limits of the FCC’s clothing regulations. Yes, it’s a new day in America, where attractive people of all sexes can wear minimal clothing in order to appeal to the least common denominator of consumer culture. And I love it.

Mary Lou Retton in “An Old Unitard”

I’d have to say my favorite commercial was the Radio Shack one with all the 80s celebs. I like when companies recognize what kind of image they have amongst the consumers and then actually do something about it. It was like people realized they were self-aware this Super Bowl (hint: Sarah MacLachlan and the dog/Audi commercial).

So props to everyone who appeared in this ad, and even more props to Mary Lou who is 46 YEARS OLD AND WEAR A FRIGGIN GYMNASTICS UNITARD.

this is a pic from when she won the gold medal in 1984, not from the Radio Shack commercial in 2014. 30 YEARS AGO.

Although I don’t reallllly think this unitard constitutes May Lou to be among the ‘best dressed’, I just can’t imagine wearing something like this at 46. Or at 28. Or ever.

Bruno Mars and his band in Saint Laurent

I know some people were less-than-enthused about the Bruno Mars halftime show, but the man really brought it. If you’re looking for music that your three-year-old nephew and sixty-something parents will all enjoy, Bruno Mars fit the bill – in style. Mars combines modern pop with 1950s soul influences and Michael Jackson-style showmanship, and his gold blazer with thin lapels, and skinny black tie, was the perfect glitzy take on retro Sam Cooke style. The matching outfits for his combo added to the vintage pop look, and we have to give props to Bruno who, along with Janelle Monae, is doing great things for the pompadour.

The Football Men in Leggings

Well. This ought to put the whole “can you wear leggings as pants” question to bed.

These Bears From The Beats Commercial in Human Clothes

From Ellen Degeneres’s fairly subtle take on Goldilocks (love the cape-coat!) to the creepy looking bears dressed as humans, this commercial was … okay, I suppose.  How much market research was done to determine that the best way to sell headphones is humans dressed as animals dressed as humans? It fell a bit flat, but the multi-layered outfit approach (human! bear! human!) deserved at least a mention.

Worst Dressed

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Some Sort Of Costume

I’m still trying to figure out why it was necessary for him to dress in “character” for this Bud Light commercial. I mean Don Cheadle just showed up with a llama and didn’t have to wear a wig.

Anthony Kiedis in Jeremy Scott meggings

So, here was my the order of my reactions to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Super Bowl fashion:

(1) Did they forget their shirts? Because if I remember anything from the Janet Jackson fiasco of ’04, it’s that if you show nipple at the Super Bowl, children will be traumatized and mothers will be self-righteous. I expect swift and terrible FCC sanctions. I am outraged by this blatant nip slip … I guess?

(2) Wait… are they all wearing cut-off dress pants? It looks like a banker tried to turn his work slacks into shorts. This is not cute.

(3) How didn’t I know that Kiedis had leg-sleeve tattoos?

(4) I don’t think those are tattoos. Are they those fake tattoo sleeves like children sometimes wear?

(5) They are man-leggings.  Meggings. Under cut-off Banana Republic-looking slacks. With a “multiple browser windows open” motif. And still no shirt.

Well, you tried to bring a little dignity to the proceedings, Bruno and Renee. You really, really tried.

Joe Namath in Deceased Puppy Bowl Competitors

It’s cold out there (not really, New Jersey was darn warm yesterday), and Joe Namath needed to be protected from the elements. Those puppies died so that Joe Namath might live. Okay, maybe the coat wasn’t made of late Puppy Bowl-ers, but it sure looked like Namath was wearing a Siberian Husky’s dead body. Apparently it was mink. Raise your hand if you started singing “See My Vest” as soon as you saw him:

The Seattle Seahawks in Hand Muffs

In football, it’s important to keep you hands warm – 2 out of 10 fumbles are caused by that thing where your hands get really clumsy because your fingertips are cold. So, it should have come as no surprise that certain Seahawks kept tucking their hands into snug little handmuffs. It’s sensible, it’s functional … but it’s also a winter accessory you usually only see on small children in fancy coats, or Victorian women ice skating in Central Park.

The Football Men in Burrito Costumes

The players kept donning this coat on the sidelines. I’m sure that it’s warm, but I’m also sure that it looks like an overstuffed foil-wrapped burrito from a Tex-Mex street meat vendor. That, or a hastily insulated attic.

Super Superbowl Halftime Shows

Ah, it’s Super Bowl weekend, y’all. It’s everything this country stands for. Football, piles of money spent on 30 second commercials, spending hours in front of the TV with loved ones yelling at players through a screen, and excessive eating of foods that are bad for you. ‘MERICA.

While we at Cookies + Sangria aren’t the biggest of sports fans (I mean come on, we have liveblogged at least three movie musicals in the past year), what I can say is that the one thing to look forward to is the halftime show.

Back in the 1960s when the Super Bowl was first introduced, the halftime entertainment, like most football games, were by college marching bands (I’m assuming, I’ve only been to one and that was in high school-Friday Night Lights doesn’t count apparently). They slowly introduced popular artists and performers, such as Carol Channing. No, really. Carol Channing.

I’m pretty sure if she showed up today people would throw their nachos at her and immediately leave in drunken stupors.

From the 1980s on, it became more of a who’s who in pop culture, and high profile names like Gloria Estefan, Prince, The Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones took center stage in the stadiums. [Sidenote: Did you guys know the halftime performers don’t get paid for their appearance? All their expenses are paid for but no moolah for actually singing. Not like Beyonce needs the money anyways.]

While we prepare for everyone’s favorite Grenade catcher Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers to perform in the frozen tundra of New Jersey on Sunday, here’s a look back at some of the best, most memorable Super Bowl halftime shows over the years.

Super Bowl XXV

Date: Jan. 27, 1991

Theme: Small World Tribute to 25 Years of the Super Bowl

Performer(s): New Kids on the Block, Disney characters, Warren Moon, 2,000 local children

Well here’s a little known fact that I was unaware of (maybe because I was busy turning five that day), but NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK PERFORMED AT THE SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOW?!?! Brand new information. It obviously makes sense due to the fact they were at their hey day back in 1991. But unfortch that they had to sing that horrible song. Also unfortch: everyone’s outfits. I’m looking at you Donnie Wahlberg. It’s better if you just take the shirt off.

Super Bowl XXVII

Date: Jan. 31, 1993

Location: Rose Bowl (Pasadena, California)

Theme: Heal the World

Performer(s): Michael Jackson

I feel like hiring MJ to perform at the Super Bowl was the ultimate coup. This is when people started paying attention and were like oh, ok. They’re gonna play it like that? I’m watching now. I mean the theatrics of it all. The pyrotechnics. The dancing. The Michael Jackson-ness of it all. He set the bar for high quality halftime shows. Bottom line: be entertained.

Super Bowl XXXV

Date: Jan. 28, 2001

Location: Raymond James Stadium (Tampa, Florida)

Theme: The Kings of Rock and Pop

Performer(s):  Aerosmith, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige, Nelly

As a Backstreet Boys fan, even I will admit this is one of the best halftime shows ever. By 2001, the NFL totally grasped the idea of hiring whoever was the hottest artist in music at the time and having them perform during America’s most watched program on TV. Looking back on it, this performance is the epitome of 2001, like that year was encapsulated in a 10 minute performance. I mean even Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler and Chris Rock made cameos.

Super Bowl XXXVI

Date: Feb. 3, 2002

Location: Louisiana Superdome (New Orleans, Louisiana)

Theme: Tribute to those killed in the September 11 attacks

Performer(s): U2

This was the first Super Bowl after 9/11 and the whole halftime show was dedicated to those who lost their lives in the tragedy. If you’re reading this, you’re old enough to remember that day, how it felt, and the fine line that was walked by everyone in the media to properly pay respects to the victims without being too hokey or ingenuine. U2 did a perfect job at balancing that line, making it a halftime show that we’ll never forget.

Super Bowl XXXVIII

Date: Feb. 1, 2004

Location: Reliant Stadium (Houston, Texas)

Theme: Rock the Vote

Performer(s): Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock, and Justin Timberlake

You didn’t expect a Super Bowl halftime show list without the infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’ did you? We all know what happened, so I don’t need to explain that. You know what I do feel like I need to explain? The fact that this was TEN YEARS AGO. TEN. BYE EVERYONE, BYE.

Bonus: Actual YouTube comment: “4:04 to skip the nonsense”

Super Bowl XLVI

Date: Feb. 5, 2012

Location: Lucas Oil Stadium (Indianapolis, Indiana)

Theme: Polytheism (Greek and Egyptian)

Performer(s): Madonna, LMFAO, Nicki Minaj, M.I.A., Cee Lo Green

Listen, I’m not even a big fan of Madonna. Or Nicki Minaj. or M.I.A. Or basically anyone that was part of this. HOWEVER, I will say that this performance over all was outstanding and exactly what it needed to be: entertaining. Also LOL at the theme of “Polytheism” at the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl XLVII (aka The One With The Blackout)

Date: Feb. 3, 2013

Location: Mercedes-Benz Superdome (New Orleans, Louisiana)

Theme: There was no theme listed, however I’m going to say it was ‘HBIC’

Performer(s): Beyonce, Destiny’s Child

I think this Mr. Carter properly sums up Queen B/DC3’s performance:

Playlist of the Month: Songs from 2013 That Need To Stay In 2013

Towards the end of every year, magazine editors, television producers, bloggers, and miscellaneous people on the internet compile their Best and Worst of Lists. Music lovers tend to release their favorite (and least favorite) songs of the year. And unlike books or movies, songs can carry over into the next year and constantly play on the radio, thus making us want to pull out our hair and also the radios from our cars and throw it out the window if we ever hear that one hit song from last year again. 

In the spirit of hating on tunes, here are some of our picks for songs that should stay in 2013 and never show their face in 2014 – or every year moving forward.

Click here to listen to the entire list on Spotify!

Traci’s Picks:

What Does The Fox Say? – Ylvis

Just like Gangnam Style before it, 2013 needed one of these novelty songs and Norwegian duo Ylvis filled that quota. This song wasn’t even made as a real track – if you don’t know the story, brothers  Vegard and Bård Ylvisåker are hosts of a popular talk show in Norway. They created What Does The Fox Say? as a music video to promote their show, and the video went viral and here we are. But let’s just let the fox and its mysterious sounds in 2013, shall we?

Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell

I feel like we’re probably on the same page as this, so I’m not even going to explain why this is on the list.

Thrift Shop – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

“They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard, I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard.” This song is nominated for not one but TWO Grammys, y’all. GRAMMYS.

Timber – Pitbull ft. Ke$ha

Sometimes songs grow on me. But then other times it’s Ke$ha and I know immediately that I will be utterly annoyed with the song. This song is no different. Unfortunately for us, this was a late entry to 2013 and it’s probably going to stick around until like June. Also, if Ke$ha sings a song with Pitbull in the forest, does it make a horrifying sound?

#thatPOWER – will.i.am ft. Justin Bieber

When Justin Bieber is 50 years old, he’s going to wish he could do 2013 over again. He’s also going to wish he never agreed to do this horrific song with a Black Eyed Pea.

Molly’s Picks

Radioactive – Imagine Dragons

As I’ve said before, Imagine Dragons sounds like the name of a pretend band created by two eight-year-old boys who are really into Lego. Let’s allow this song to fade into 2013 and just imagine the dragons from now on.

[Note: I’m noticing a lot of these songs were released in late 2012, but they all climbed the charts in 2013.]

Can’t Hold Us – Mackelmore

This doesn’t even make sense. The ceiling doesn’t hold you. The floor does.

Don’t You Worry Child – Swedish House Mafia

Apparently my gym is a card-carrying member of the Swedish House Mafia, because this is on every time I go there. [Also, inexplicably, Miss Independent by Ne-Yo.]

Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars

So, I’m of two minds on Bruno Mars. On one hand, I think he’s a talented guy who makes catchy music. On the other, he’s responsible for Just The Way You Are, which is the musical version of a Dove Real Beauty commercial. And readers, you do not want me to get started on Dove commercials.

Wake Me Up by Avicii

I can just hear the concept discussion for this song:

Avicii Guy #1: Let’s start with a kind of 90s, alternative, folksy sound. People LOVED Hootie and the Blowfish and Counting Crows!

Avicii Guy #2: But then, let’s add some beats! Bitches love house music!

AG#1: Wait… what about the music video? Can we have an old west sequence, but also a club scene, but also a model, but also a child? With human branding and ambiguous time travel? And maybe, like, The Dust Bowl? And DIALOGUE? And RALPH LAUREN PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

AG#2: CAN we?!

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Kidz Bop Lyrics: Fact Or Fiction

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to listen to Kidz Bop, there are a few things you’ll notice:

  • Not all of the lyric changes are even necessary to make things kid-appropriate
  • If lyrics reference alcohol, drug use, sex, or poor grammar, they will be changed to reference things like having fun with friends, eating food, or school.
  • Like Rated R movies dubbed for the USA network, much of the language makes absolutely no sense once it is cleaned up.
  •  Children in Kidz Bop songs say things that no child has said since the ‘50s. If ever.

Some of the following are real Kidz Bop lyric changes. Others are Cookies and Sangria Originals. Can you tell the difference? Answers are at the bottom of the post.

More Kidz Bop Gold

(1) Bandz a Make Her Dance (Juicy J)

  • Real Lyrics:

Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
All these chicks popping pussy
I’m just popping bands
Bands a make her dance
Bands a make her dance
These chicks clappin’
And they ain’t using hands

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All you kids are playing records

I like hearing bands!

Bands’ll make me dance

Bands’ll make me dance

All the kids are clapping

Let’s all clap our hands!

(2) Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)

  • Real Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.

Yeah, you, PMS like a bitch I would know

And you over think, Always speak Critically

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

You change your mind like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you change your mind like a girl I would know

And you always think, always speak cryptically

(3) The Lazy Song (Bruno Mars)

  • Real lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex

And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’ (Oh my God, this is great!) […]

I’ll just strut in my birthday suit

And let everything hang loose

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90X

Meet a really nice girl, send a really nice text

And she’s gonna write back “you’re so great” ( OMG you’re so great) […]

I’ll just strut with nothing to do

And let everything go through

(4) Bitches Ain’t Shit (Dr Dre Featuring Snoop Dog)

  • Real lyrics:

Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks

Lick on these nuts and suck the dick

Get the fuck out after you’re done

And I hop in my ride to make a quick run…

I used to know a bitch named Eric Wright

We used to roll around and fuck the hoes at night

Tight than a motherfucker with the gangsta beats

And we was ballin’ on the motherfucking Compton streets

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Bringin’ the chips, hohos, and twix

Licked all these nuts, and feelin’ sick

Get the fun dip after you’re done

And I hop on my bike to make a snack run…

I used to know a kid named Eric Wright

We used to run around, eat fudge the whole darn night

Treats that my mother found with the gummy b’s

And we were noshin’ on your mother’s stash of Cadburies

(5) Glad You Came (The Wanted)

  • Real lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another drink

Drink it if you can

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

Turn the lights out now

Now I’ll take you by the hand

Hand you another dance

Dance it if you can

(6) Get Lucky

  • Real lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars

She’s up all night ’til the sun
I’m up all night to get some
She’s up all night for good fun
I’m up all night to get lucky

  • Kidz Bop Lyrics:

We’ve come too far to give up who we are

So let’s raise the bar and look up to the stars

She’s up all night to the sun

I’m  up all night chewing gum

She’s up all night cause it’s fun

I’m  up all night, aren’t I lucky?

Answers: (1) Fiction (2) Fact (3) Fact (4) Fiction (5) Fact (6) Fiction. Thanks for playing!