19 Kids and Counting | Cookies + Sangria

It’s no secret that we’re a little fascinated by the Duggar family. I hold the same befuddled interest in them that leads people to read ethnographic studies in National Geographic. I may not have seen their TV show for years, but we’ll always have fond memories of creating a slightly sarcastic Duggar Facebook group – only to be inundated with Duggar groupies. I promise, we’re even going to do a C+S Book Club post on the Duggar girls’ book — as soon as we gather the mental fortitude to read it.

Jill’s wedding this past weekend has me thinking about why this family is so fascinating. Sure, part of it is that they have 97 kids and a lifestyle that is completely foreign to me. Part of it is hate-watching for hints of Vision Forum creepiness. But I think a good bit of why this family has such a huge audience is getting to see the variations in how the kids all go through their childhood and teen years. There are so many Duggars that you get to see all of it — the carefree tomboy (Joy-Anna), the girl who’s too cool for her family (Jinger), the gawky teens who manage to become really pretty (Jill and Jana), the golden child who wouldn’t know an awkward phase if it hit her in the face (Jessa). You get to experience all the awkwardness of trying to find your style footing as a teen, without having to be the one to go through it yourself.

When the Duggars first hit the airwaves a decade ago, they looked like something out of Little House On The Prairie. I distinctly remember Jana sewing bonnets for her sisters. They wore matching teddy-bear-print dresses, even the girls who would be in middle school if their mom weren’t teaching them about Noah’s tea parties with the dinosaurs instead. But today, the Duggar ladies look almost stylish! What a journey it’s been.

14 Children And Pregnant Again – 2004 – 2005

Isn’t it weird to look at a family and thing “wow, they ONLY had 14 kids then!” This is when we first met the Duggar girls, and they were …. um… not looking awesome. The year was 2004, which style-wise involved a lot of flared jeans and fake tans, but which wasn’t super Doctor Quinn-y. You’d never know from looking at these kiddos.

Jana – who was in one hell of an awkward phase, so thank heavens my family had a normal number of kids so I didn’t have to be on reality TV – has a collar bigger than a Thanksgiving turkey platter. Jessa has puffed sleeves that would make Anne Shirley blush.

Nope, that’s not a 44-year-old midwestern piano teacher who attends the local Kingdom Hall. That’s Jana, proving that awkward phases can always get awkwarder. Those bangs were not her fault; she was just a kid. Bless.

Here, the Duggar ladies teach us how to “draw attention to our countenance.” The trick is to wear dresses so horribly hideous that nobody will want to look at them. What is Joy-Anna wearing? Is it a Laura Ashley shower curtain? It is, I think.

Raising 16 Children / 16 Children And Moving In / On The Road With 16 Children – 2006

There are more bangs, now. Not just any bangs – bangs curled under with a round brush. A few girls are still sporting jumpers made out of bold patters culled from the discount fabric rack. However, some of them have graduated to button-up tops with t-shirts underneath, lest we be exposed to some errant collarbone. True facts: our high school dress code prohibited us from showing collar bone, which in most human anatomy, is nowhere near your boobs, anyway. We coined the term “collar-bone slut” for those days when you wore your clavicle loud and proud.

Here, the children are forced to dress alike because when you hit the road with 16 kids, it’s really easy to lose one or five of them.

YOU BETTER WERQ.

Take a look at those countenances, kids.

Duggars’ Big Family Album – 2007

There are now 17 children – yes, it took 17 J names to get to Jennifer. You may think there’s still a lot of permed hair and ankle length skirts, and … well, you’re right. But there are some changes afoot. Yes, I would pinpoint 2007 as the year the Duggar ladies dressed a little less like my childhood porcelain doll collection and a little more, in their words “modern modest.” Sure, they still look a little like a kid trying to fashion a pioneer costume out of stuff that’s already in their wardrobe, but look closer. Of the older girls, only Jessa is wearing a jumper, and let’s be real, they probably made her wear jumpers longer because she’s the pretty one. The others look borderline-normal, with modern tops and more casual skirts. Little Joy-Anna is still in a frock with ankle-socks, but she’s also a small child.

For the most part, bangs have been replaced by crispy perms and these brushed-over quasi-bang sections of hair in the front.

This is just further support for my Jessa-Jumper theory. Note, again, the collarbone-obscuring white tees.

If you’re wondering why I’m not doing a post about the Duggar boys’ fashion, it’s because it seems that the family policy for boy clothes is “Fashion? Yolo! – Wear a Polo!” or possibly “Buttons of four – show it the door! Buttons three – it’s right for me!”

17 Kids And Counting / 18 Kids And Counting / 19 Kids And Counting

So many kids, so much counting. By the time they get an original series, the girls’ style starts getting so much better. Some skirts even almost show knee! The girls go through those style phases that I guess happen even if you don’t go to high school with other kids: sunglasses on the head indoors, flip flops when they should be wearing proper footwear, improperly styled side bangs. Ah, youth.

But really, what an improvement. If you looked closely you’d realize they’re all wearing skirts, but they aren’t calling attention to themselves anymore. Which, when you think about it, is way MORE modest, right?

The Duggar style evolution (oops, that may be a swear word in Duggar parlance) was never more evident than when they visited the Bates family. I think this is the first time we heard the phrase “modern modest,” as one of the girls (Jinger, probably) said “we’re more modern modest, and the Bates are more…” I forget the end of the sentence, but you could easily fill in the word “collared,” “jumper-y” or “be-calicoed.” A few elder Bates girls even had Gibson Girl-worthy pompadours, if the Gibson Girls hadn’t been such hussies. Basically, they looked like the 2004-era Duggars. Amazing what a tv show will do for your fashion consciousness.See? They’re in public in different colored shirts, the girls are accessorizing and wearing skirts of reasonable length, they’ve sprayed on some tan. I know this isn’t about the Duggar boys, but they’re even letting them wear fitted jeans. The times really are a-changin’.

PANTS.

And here we are today. Except for the number of kids, this looks like a normal family. In the final step away from outdated fashion, the girls have loose curls instead of crunchy perms.

But the truest sign that the future is moving in? Look at the flock of little Duggar girls. They’re wearing long tunics over leggings. That’s practically pants. Unlike their big sisters, they’ll never know teen years of teddy-print jumpers, six-inch collars, and hairsprayed bangs.

Praise be.

If you don’t look into the Duggar lifestyle that closely, it seems sort of adorable. Babies everywhere! Sisters sharing a Madeline-style dormitory! Modern modest! Enter the Quiverfull movement. The Duggars – and their whole movement – are like an onion. If you peel back enough layers, you’re going to want to start crying. Hey, it can’t all be calico dresses and alliterative baby names.

Quiverfull is a branch of Evangelical Christianity that advocates having as many children as possible, “Biblical patriarchy,” keeping moms at home, homeschooling, modesty (read: terrible dresses), a husband’s “dominion” over his wife, and long hair for ladies. They think dinosaurs lived with people. They think modern music is unconscionable- even modern Jesus music (I think most modern Jesus music is unconscionable too, but that’s on grounds of taste). They believe in Courtship, not dating. They don’t even call it ‘going a-courtin’,’ which is a real shame.

Quiverfull is in the news this week because prominent Quiver-filler (?), Doug Phillips, had an affair, and now one of the biggest Quiverfull organizations, Vision Forum Ministries, has crumbled as a result.

Fortunately, Vision Forum’s for-profit catalog is still alive and kicking. VF has great merch – and I don’t say that lightly. I grew up Catholic, and not to brag, but we really have the market on religious merch cornered — medals, statues, scapulars, car charms – you want it, we sell it. Vision Forum (RIP) comes in a close second though. You may be grateful that you’re not a Duggar, but look at the accessories you’re missing out on!

Boys

Marshmallow Mini-Bow

I don’t know what this has to do with raising Godly young men, but combining Nerf with The Hunger Games with junk food is genius.

All-American Boy’s Crossbow

The website quite literally suggests shooting squirrels with this, so I guess you could buy this and do that? This bow is good for “target practice” and “developing hand-eye coordination.” Oh, how I love the VF copywriters!

Climbing Set (Grappling Hook, Claws, and Boot Spikes)

I would have flipped over this when I was … not a boy. Never was a boy. Dammit. My favorite copy-writer says “Best yet, it is rated to over 300 pounds,” so this is also okay for an adult or an enormous child.

Frontier Tomahawk

There are so many tools of war (toy tools of war) in the boys’ section, it’s hard to know what to pick. It’s also hard to know exactly how these are supposed to relate to Jesus’s message of peace and all that, but I’m not a theological scholar. Copy guy (I’m assuming guy because, you know, job) says “Our Frontier Tomahawk can be thrown into a wooden target or used as a camp hatchet. The cutting edge of forged steel is 3″ deep and may require additional sharpening.” The text is followed by a disclaimer that this is not a toy, and then an image of an unsupervised 6-8 year old boy in a coonskin cap about to throw the instrument of death across the prairie.

Girls

American Mothers Doll Dress Set

We grew up on the American Girls Collection, not American Mothers, but Vision Forum is all “cut to the chase, bitches.” Is Abigail Adams big among the fundamentalist homeschooling set? Or like, with children in general maybe? Learn something new every day.

Fidelia Doll

Again, the copy writer really shines here. “Your daughters will spend countless blissful hours of “mommy practice” as they care for their little playmates.When a girl plays with a doll, she is preparing to be a mommy someday.” By that logic, when I was playing with dolls as a child, I was preparing to be the world’s worst hairdresser someday.

Dayspring: Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

This book is written by a 13-year-old, so I won’t go too hard on it. It’s about how fetuses are people too, and if I had read this book as a small child, there is a 100% chance that I would have gotten myself sterilized by now. From the author – describing Dayspring, the title character, an embryo: She talks and eats, she experiences feelings such as disgust, excitement, dizziness, and even smugness. Also, she is already developing her talent of gymnastics.

YIKES, y’all. Babies? I like babies. They’re like adorable, incontinent people. But pregnancy sounds scary enough without thinking that the child that’s leaching your calcium stores also feels smug about it. And a gymnast? The only reason a smug gymnast should be in your abdomen is if you ate McKayla Maroney (which also wouldn’t be okay). Also, where did that fetus get hair ties to do those pigtails? No wonder she’s so smug – she’s Rosemary’s freakin’ Baby.

Family

The Person I Marry

Highlights from the blurb: “Children are constantly thinking about marriage” (for real, I’m in my late 20s and the only time I think about marriage is at weddings); “The Person I Marry is a beautiful picture-book and discussion-starter for children about wisely choosing a spouse someday” (shouldn’t we maybe just stick to useful childhood topics like How Not To Get Kidnapped or Stoves are Hot?).

Christian Controversies – Pilgrims vs. Indians

This CD is subtitled Racial Genocide or Biblical Dominion in Colonial New England? I think I can guess what side this one’s going to come down on. It’s like when a news teaser says “Is this the rainiest September on record? Find out at 11!” And you’re like, damn straight it’s the rainiest September on record, otherwise you wouldn’t be bringing this up. Although, in Vision Forum’s defense, if the Native Americans had had guns this never would have even happened.

I Dig Dinosaurs

I’ll defer to my friend the copy writer again: “In I Dig Dinosaurs you’ll load up onto a single-engine plane with dinosaur researcher and entertainer Buddy Davis and fly to the badlands of Montana. It’s a remote place, where the enormously powerful waters loosed during Noah’s Flood scoured the earth and left behind a tangled mess of fish, dinosaurs, plants, and more.”

Remember the story about Noah? One of the main things about Noah was that he was a human. You heard it here first, guys: people and dinosaurs coexisted, until dinos got wiped out in the flood (along with those poor unicorns).

* Photo credits go to Vision Forum. Despite the fact that Vision Forum Ministries is caput, you can still buy. I’ll admit it – if you are cool with giving money to these folks, some of the wacky violent warmongering boy toys would be sort of fun Christmas gifts.